That's Alarming

One of my daughter's friends gone into Hospital tonight with Testicular Cancer - he is 23 years old!  Twenty Three for goodness sake.  At least he has been whipped straight in and they can sort it out for him immediately.  

I remember at her age coming to terms with my friend's death - he just dropped dead whilst playing Squash.  He had a congenital heart defect and that was that.  His wife and two children were left in a mess as he didn't have a Will and so on.  The two girls, now long grown up look just like him and things worked out fine for her too, I still see them all occasionally.  It's a tough one coming to terms with your mortality at such a young age.  Not that he is going to die just that it comes as a shock and this ought to be a big wake up call to them I suppose.

I can't believe the amount of cr@p on TV these days.  I watched a tiny bit of the news and the BBC drives me to distraction with their efforts to, what does Flocky call it? Catastrophizing.  It is just bonkers everything has to be the 'something of the century' 'something gate' and as we are 13 years into it (or 12 if you like) it is shoddy reporting and left wing nonsense.  So I grab the headlines and try and hit the weather forecast and then I trawled through the 100 or so channels and it was full of squawking people talking about something or other and crazy shows about guns, police chases, reality shows and just utter bollocks (sorry but that's what it is).

So the TV went off after 20 minutes and I came back up to my office and got into the zone on the business and I'm cracking on with the logo and also the service offerings which I am quite happy about now.  A few more tweaks and I can then go and write the "copy" for the web site and the catalogue.  

I drifted back into remembering the lovely summer we had as it absolutely freezing here tonight and bitter weather is on the way.  Recalling the warmth, the smells and sounds of the countryside and the peace I was in (and the turmoil at some times).  During all that embargoed time I was struggling to keep it all under my hat and there was more than I dare put into print going on too.  Such was the summer I had but it was just so nice to recollect that warm and peaceful time.  Then there was the turmoil of leading up to wanting the separation, that was just awful and so upsetting for both of us.  Yuk.  

Those warm summer days were marvellous and my whole life was changing it was as if I had gone into a chrysalis state and then burst out of that.  I had been working on it for ages and the it all fell into place and it all made (some kind of) sense.  I can't even begin to tell you what a huge relief it was to get out of my old life.  What it is though isn't one thing it is a series of things that made the difference.  There's my Spiritual Guide who appeared and left, there's the realisation that no matter what I was doing I needed to completely change.  There was the need to stop being me (the planner and schemer) and stop analysing and overanalysing everything.  There was the need to get rid of the past and to stop dreaming about an unachievable future and if all that wasn't enough there was the need to finally tackle the problems in my marriage which had just built up and up over the years and I hadn't tackled them.  These "problems" just built a weight on my body that you can hardly imagine - once I tackled them and to this day I feel light and the burden has gone almost entirely.  

The wreckage is also mostly behind me too.  The "damage" is done if that's the right way to look at this?  I don't see it that way I see it as a re-birth, a new clean piece of paper, a chance to live the last 3rd of my life according to my rules and to enjoy the life that waits in store for me no matter how long that may be.  It is exciting and challenging and is unplanned and unmapped so far.  It may appear selfish to chuck in a marriage of 32 years and go and do what I want to do.  I suppose it could be looked at that way?  I tend to think that 25 years was just about enough and I should have gone then.  So far, no one I've spoken to is the least bit surprised and some wondered why it took this long!  My mother was pretty much open about it and didn't think there was much left and had known it for years.  My friends last night was also a similar story.  They know me - they probably got the message one way or the other through my body language I guess.

Anyhow - time for bed - got a nice day coming up tomorrow - some beers followed by a Chinese meal.  Will be in good company with Flocky Bicep and a couple of others.  Looking forward to getting out and about.  The atmosphere in the house is one of quiet tension.  I still feel sorry for Mrs. F. but she has levelled off in a permanent black gloom - it will be nice to move out and not to have that problem as a constant.  I try my best but of course I'm the happy one.