I've been in a funny place today - I found talking to Mrs. F. deeply moved me this morning - more than I thought perhaps. I don't think it is likely that it will sway my decision - I had too long to decide what to do - years and years of it and so I know I have to do it but it did play on my mind today quite a bit and I'm still feeling a little tearful just writing about it.
Of course I can intellectualise this and work it through and come up with all sorts of reasons but I find that it's how upset she is even after 3 months and that hurts me so much and yet I'm hoping it will be as good for her as it will be for me. If we'd have stayed together I'm not certain what sort of person I'd end up being. I was already in a deep rut and going downwards. I was pretty depressed sometimes and I'd go do stupid things occasionally to let off steam. No, I know this is the right thing and I've seen the other side and where I want to be. I had to laugh when the chap who is doing my graphics said he'd been married and divorced twice and was on his nenth girlfriend :-)
I realise that what I want (is that the right word - probably not). Need is wrong too. How about what I want to give and how I wish to live is so different - diametrically so - to how I live now that I had to do what I did and in some ways I'm heading off to learn about myself a bit more, to get back on my feet and to just go out there and enjoy what life has to offer.
I'm sure that I'll meet someone or perhaps many someones in the future. I doubt anyone will get close to me for a while as I really do need some space and some stability and then I can get to move forward. Mrs. F. was worried about a fuse going in the house or some other such thing and I was trying to say that, these things will happen and you learn to live with them and it's no use me just sitting here waiting for an emergency to arise to prove my worth.
It's a sad time at the moment as I know I'm breaking her heart. She broke mine years ago of course and continued to do so for many years but in a small way - a bit at a time - lots of small things and nothing ever major. I feel desperately sorry for her but not enough that I should try spend my life suffering what happened to me these past years to put it right.
Do I worry about the future? Yes a little bit but not as much as I used to. I know that I can scrape a living and I just want to be happy to do that and be happy with my life, with my friends and in myself. I worry a bit about Mrs. F. but I really do hope that she gets herself together over this coming weekend when she is away on the South Coast and that she realises that if she can change her life and perhaps start to feel good about herself she can move on.
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