What Goes On In Your Head

I sometimes dislike my brain a lot.  A case in point being last night after I'd had a few drinks and a few too many if the truth be told I went online - despite a big not on my computer telling me to go to bed and sent a few messages.  They were pathetic and stupid and I had to apologise this morning for sending them.  They weren't abusive or anything like that at all.  They were heartfelt and I've often written stuff in this blog that are an outpouring.  The voice that rarely gets heard, the inner thoughts the real inner workings of my mind.

I know better than this - I know that these thoughts aren't there to help me at all they are little destructive forces and in this case it looked innocent and stupid but it was actually a subtle way of hurting the other party.  It doesn't read like that at all but it was me imposing my thoughts on someone else and they didn't need to know this and it put them in a situation where they thought they had injured me although I didn't say they had.  Anyway - it is cleared up but how these little demons exist and how destructive they are.  It's so annoying - I think in future I will trun the computer off entirely and just leave a note on it saying turned off for a reason :-)

So I had a very very slow day today - the Sake that Flocky and I had sure laid me out and I got up but decided to go back to bed and lay down for a good few hours :-)  I don't think I can handle the booze these days like I used to.  I even thought that I might start to change my drinking habits in the future if I do stupid things like I did last night.

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts so the saying goes and I think that is pretty much true.  What I said was a bit of a plea from the heart about how I wanted things to turn out and how they didn't and in fact they cannot be anything other than the way they are.  I knew that, I know the score, I know it cannot be and whilst that's sad and upsetting it's the way it is and the way it has been for ages and ages.  You cannot change the way things are it's part of the problem  I've always had with my head and it doesn't work things out properly it imagines that things can be different when they clearly cannot be.  

I am working on stopping all of this nonsense and in many ways I do manage to do that these days as I can identify these thoughts and stop them in their tracks.  I'm about to build a new life and yet these doubts assail me, these past experiences which I wished had turned out better haunt me and I do get rid of them - I can remove these - like I will after I've written this post - it will take me just moments to clear my mind of them and they won't come back for a while.  When they do I will kill them off again as they have no useful part to play in my day to day life.  They are part of the "painbody" part of the Ego and they aren't real thoughts at all.  They dig up the past and they produce an illusion of the future which I know can never be.  

The complexities of what is going on and why it is going on are I think pretty much boiled down in the realisation of what is about to happen in my life.  The change away from living here and the change to my lifestyle and to my personal life and this "living alone" thing is or may be playing on my mind.  I've not even moved out yet and there's the little voice about meeting someone else and all that old guff - it's not relevant it's a fear that should not be there.  That's the problem I find - none of these things should be troubling me.  

This all sounds bad but it is under control because I just dismiss these thoughts. OK I didn't manage to suppress one of them and so wrote a load of old rubbish to a very dear friend and they did, like all good friends do, smile and know that I'm not really like that, that it was the beer/Sake talking and that was that, I'm forgiven but I do feel a stupid old fool about it :-)  I shall just have to control my head a lot more and also not drink Sake in large quantities.