Later on I'm meeting Flocky, my old business partner and another old friend we are going for a few beers and a Chinese meal - it is a nice restaurant frequented by Gary Rhodes so that says something. Looking forward to that and to have a cathartic chat with my friends.
Communication here is difficult to say the least. We do talk just in short sentences. Poor Mrs. F. still looks absolutely distraught and is so upset that sometimes she just can only say a few words and has to go out. Oh dear, how sorry I feel for her. She's still my best friend just that the glue no longer works and for some time we will just have to live like this until she gets over it. At the moment me being in the house cannot be a great thing for her at all.
So far as I can see it no one is taking sides or anything like that - it's not that sort of break up but I can see that it is difficult for Carole's friends to be anything other than supportive and so I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and hope that they will be alright about it when I next see them which won't be until Christmas Eve. In fact I've just wrapped the Secret Santa present for one of them - we each have to buy for one person based on a sort of raffle. At least that is better than in past years when it was beginning to get totally out of hand.
My mind strayed again last night as you may have seen in my previous posts. I was off and away reflecting on the past but after I wrote that I was thinking about the future and of course, I just had to rein myself back from that because I don't want to paint a picture for myself that's impossible to attain. It is difficult not to look forward to what I perceive to be happier times coming down the track and yet you know, I'm happy right now. In fact I'm probably happier than I've been for years and years. I'm fitter, healthier and my mind is in a great place despite what has happened.
A lot of people think I should be in a bad way, stressed out or upset but it takes them aback when they see I'm quite OK about this. They don't "get it" - it's like being released from prison or being given a second chance. Suddenly all the pressure goes off you just like a huge (and I mean huge) weight is lifted off your body and it's like having a clean bit of paper or the slate wiped clean. You can see that you can now go and do what you want, when you want, how you want and so on. In many ways this is a great opportunity to put into practice all you've learnt in your previous 56 years I tell myself. I've hopefully got another 20 to 25 years in me and I've already had two of those sorts of periods so lets see what I can make of the next third of my life. Whatever lies ahead it was better than the life I was leading up until about June this year.
I can understand fully why people would fall apart when leaving their husband or wife but when I listed out why (I didn't really want to tell Mrs. F.) she agreed with it all and knew what I was talking about and that's the problem for her - she can't change - I did all the changing until I was unable to do anymore without injury to my mind and my body. You can't exist in a 'loveless' marriage - I think I'd call it that now. You only need to see what it is like for someone to care a little about you and suddenly you wonder "what on earth has gone on here?" If you read this blog a lot you'll recollect that I spoke often about collateral damage and "the rut you are in" that being the most difficult rut to get out of. Well I'm almost out of that rut and away in the distance there is just open countryside and no ruts and no rails, no roads, no signposts just a rising sun, a blue sky with a few fluffy clouds and a bright future.
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