I knew there would be days like this. Poor Mrs. F. can only talk to me for a few minutes at a time before getting all choked up and me with my stupid thoughts was also very upset. I hate seeing her so desperately upset but today we talked about me moving out, selling the house, stuff I can take with me and Christmas and then there were all these stupid commercials on TV with their happy bloody families all smiling and I just felt worse and worse.
To say it's been a bit of a tearful day is an understatement I really haven't felt this upset for a long time. It's a mixed emotions time for me as suddenly there were regrets for things not done in the past and things I'd done wrong, opportunities not taken a love unfulfilled and many other things all bashing around in my head. I was able to stop them but back they came one after the other and I wasn't truly able to empty my mind of them even though I know these things to be in the past and unalterable.
I can't help thinking about how upset Mrs. F. is - she just sounds so helpless and lost and I feel so bad about that - it's silly really. She still cannot bring herself to the realisation and I understand that. I understand it very well indeed and I recollect myself how awful it felt when I realised the awful truth and how depressed it made me and how I still get that now myself.
To expect to be able to shut out the past or indeed not to speculate about the future is difficult indeed. Yet that's what I've got to do now because I don't want too many more days like today. It really isn't nice. It was necessary to have the discussions and the trouble was - when discussing Christmas Presents and arrangements and the future I was trying to explain that it was going to be particularly tough this year. I don't know if my mum will buy Mrs. F. a present and all that sort of stuff. I'd almost rather forget the whole thing anyway but it is going to be bloody difficult especially as Mrs. F. and most of her family don't know - it's a crazy situation made difficult because it isn't out in the open properly. It means I have to be careful what I say and to whom I say it.
I kind of hope that I have news this week about finding a place to go as I really could do with being out of here and then able to get myself straight. It's a sort of strange place I inhabit at the moment a sort of no-man's land and of course Mrs. F. has the same too. I want her to have some time to settle into being separated and so that we both get used to it and also so that she doesn't make any rash decisions. It's pretty important that we think through stuff like the house and pensions and the girls and so on so that we don't do anything rash or ill advised.
From my point of view I just need to be out of here and go set up and run the business and get on with my life. I don't need the "atmosphere" there is here now, it's even worse than I imagined it would be - it's oppressive and caustic and we just have a struggle talking to each other without getting upset. I suppose it wont last for ever.
Anyway, I knew there would be days like this and I hadn't realised how much it would haul me back to love's lost and that's the thing that hurts like hell. There's that nagging fear that you will never find it again - love, companionship and all that. It sounds silly but I need repair time and to take it easy and not to worry about it. I find the whole thing exciting in the main but on a dreary grey miserable misty day like today it just felt awful.
At least there's some heavy rock music followed by the USA Grand Prix coming up so that will keep me happy for this evening. Tomorrow I can return to my eBaying which appears to have gone quite well so far today - enough to pay for a few beers at least :-) I think I will do a bit of a final push on it this week and then just get rid of the rest of it to the Charity Shop.
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