Normality

What is normality? I'm returning to normality someone told me! Hardly, there is little normal left these days. I think it would be a good exercise to go back and look at a before and after and see what things have changed in the past 26 months or so.

I quite like the fact that a number of people at work know and a number don't know what I have been through and that is interesting just to see their reaction and their way of dealing with it. Normal people are generally far less comfortable than those who have had something seriously wrong with them.

I met someone who was uncomfortable watching the Paralympic Games. I wasn't uncofortable about that at all. I'd suggest to you that every one of those athletes puts me to shame as I just had Bladder Cancer. Whatever they had was far more serious than me and what did they do? They went and achieved great things. I was very moved by it but to say it was uncomfortable? I think normal may indeed be defined like that - I need to think about it more to come up with an answer on it. I wonder if people looked or indeed still look at me as being "disabled" and all the baggage that tends to go along with that? I know I was treated differently in a previous job.

Oh well, the beer draws near and this question can wait a bit longer but one worth starting I think. Are people with Cancer looked on with the same prejudices?

The answer should be there shouldn't be any but if I look deep down inside, I'm sure that there are areas that still need a change in attitude.

What a day

I surprised myself the sheer volume of work I got through and I don't feel tired and - here is the good bit - my Nephew is coming over to take me out for a beer! Excellent, I'll enjoy that.

This happened last week too as I recall, no doubt it will all catch up with me tomorrow or the day afterwards!

I'm getting worried that I am picking up someone else's work at the moment and keep dropping hints to that person that they shouldn't lose "ownership" of their stuff to me but as much as I hint.....

Perhaps a word in the bosses ear?

Anyway, apart from the normal dashing to the toilet every 45 minutes to an hour everything is under control and I am beginning to lift myself slowly out of the rut.

Good to get back to work

It was a bad night's sleep but I was up and this job is so good you want to get up and go, I have to feel really bad not to.

I had loads to do today and so was kept busy but boy am I tired now. It is just gone 9 in the evening and I should have finished off some documents but I am really tired and it is taking me ages to drag myself through it. I think I will leave it - at least tomorrow I stand a good chance of getting it done in half the time.

I crashed out three big pieces of work today and another couple tomorrow will see most of my key time critical stuff done. Perhaps I can get a breather and get on with other things. My course starts in two weeks and I need to get ready for that. The office is coming back into some sense of normality apart from my laser printer is being thrashed to death by "A" as she gets up to speed with her coursework.

Whilst I am feeling tired I am feeling different. Upbeat maybe, certainly I am feeling quietly confident and happy that treatment is behind me. Not a great whooping of joy or anything like that as of yet but certainly a gradual and noticeable lifting of the spirits.

All I need now is to get my head back into its old organised mode and I will be really pleased.

Procrastination

I'm still not getting anywhere with the procrastination going on in the household. We nearly didn't get a holiday at all with all the messing about going on, messing around at University and the fallout since. "A" has now gone to college but lives at home and the upheaval that has brought about are all causing a little less than a settled and calm home life.

Now there is the round of farewell parties going off as all her friends go to University. OK but coming in at midnight when I have to get up at 5:30 is going to cause a wee bit more friction before the week is out.

Anyway, the next bit of fun is that "C" has signed up for an evening course for the next 17 weeks, mid week which also messes up diary dates and commitments. My course starts in October and I have spent today sorting that out and trying to get dates in the diary and planned. My Operation screws up Christmas - or the lead up to Christmas and potentially all the things I should be involved with, I did expect it to be around 16th December but earlier will mess up a lot of things.

I hope that we get some sort of closure on this soon, it is messing up any plans I may make - it is unsettling and it is time to settle down.

Cure or Remission?

The longer you go clear with bladder cancer the more chance you have to say that you are cured. There are a number of ways to work out "your chances" based on data gleaned from previous cases.

The longer you are clear the better - but it can still recur - and so you don't actually get cured you get remission. If there is anything that nags at the back of your mind it is the possibility that you could get this again and go through the treatments and operations for another cycle. I'd not like to have to do that but - frankly - if it happened - I'd just have to.

I read an article that in reality GPs and Consultants really cannot say the "cure" word because of the above.

I don't think it is anything to worry about but you can see why they follow up so often and continue to have a peek inside on a regular basis. Again, you'd have thought (if you weren't a cancer patient) that after you get the final all clear that is it but, in reality, I'll be getting regular check ups to make sure all is OK. They aren't exactly the most pleasant tests (see my post on flexible cystoscopy and you'll see why) but if they detect a possible recurrence then it is well worth it.

Profile now on here

I thought it about time I switched my profile on - here it is on the right.

I had to kill off some of my other blogs as they were not pleasant - mainly in terms of me ranting on and using it as a flame room. I've killed that site off now. It has served its purpose of allowing me to scream at the world rather than to do that here.

You can also see my other blogs which I haven't really concentrated on.

Goodbye

Bleach tablets, latex gloves, anti bacterial scrub, tablets, note pad and pen, stress balls and all the other stuff that got me through the treatments.

The paperwork is in my dedicated drawer of Hospital information - it is a massive file already - a lever arch full! The stress balls have been great as they allow you to take out the tension on those whilst getting instilled with the BCG. It certainly gave me something to do with my hands.

In the time that I have been having these treatments I have almost (not quite) read the three massive volumes of Martin Gilbert's History of the Twentieth Century. I am up to 1994 now but I don't want anymore BCGs to allow me to finish that off. I need to make an effort and finish it soon as my course starts in two weeks time and I will need to concentrate on loads of set books and DVDs etc.

I am feeling quite pleased and a little elated this morning. I had the most amazing dream session last night so many dreams - really weird stuff - as they tend to be - but there was no main theme but it was all high octane stuff, rally cars, fast boats, athletes, skiing - maybe it was all about freedom - who knows?

It feels quite curious to be here and taking the next step towards recovery. Another 12 weeks and an operation for biopsies and then a nail biting wait for results will then take everything close to Christmas and the New Year. It would be nice to think that 2009 could start with good news and a lift some of the clouds of the past 2 1/2 years.

Not often

That I write on the blog on the day of treatment and this late at night. It has been a bit of a stinging affair but not nearly as bad as it normally is. Now that is last week and this which is strange.

I'm going to take myself off to bed now and hope that this stays as mild as it is now. What a bit of luck, I was expecting a final reminder of what it can be like. Mercifully it is just a mild one. Phew!

One Habit I won't be sorry to see go

Is the preparation for today's treatment.

This will start in a minute after writing this blog:

• Tablets to bedside
• Notepad and pen to record events to bedside
• MP3 Player to bedside
• Shower and change into jogging bottoms and casual clothes
• Timer ready
• Bleach tablets and liquid ready
• Latex cleaning gloves ready
• Book in bathroom (you gotta believe it I spend anywhere up to 20 minutes a time sitting around)
• Antiseptic wipes ready
• Bio soap ready
• Auto e-mail responder to on
• Mobile phone set to off
• Phone removed from bedroom
• Gilet nearby in case shivers set in

That is the list I think. It all becomes a routine thing to do and I'll be able to not do any of them after today. Still not sure how I feel about it all at the moment. It will be interesting to see what the reaction is like this week. Last week there was enough to know I'd had it but nowhere near what I was expecting. Fingers crossed for a similar experience this time.

Mixed Feelings

Now that the last treatment is here I am daring to look beyond where I am today and on towards the next stage of my life.

The ups and downs so far though are:

• You change - those around you don't.
• FUD - Fear Uncertainty, Doubt - will it come back, collateral damage (to relationships).
• Physically less active and loss of stamina (probably short term).
• Mentally - stronger in some areas (tolerance to pain/procedures).
• Mentally - weaker in some areas (emotions shot to ribbons especially when sad things are on. Empathise with people more).
• Mentally - Assertiveness - much more judgemental, quick to retort and shoot those down who show little mindedness and selfishness - not always my best side or most likable I have to say.
• I thought I had the best job in the world when I was diagnosed, in fact I have the best job in the world now.
• I've lost a lot of my organisational and well planned skills - I am not the logical, planner and person on top of everything I was 2 years ago. Now it is a little too chaotic for me.
• Only I want to do things I want to do. I am completely out of tune with those around me.
• I am much more "laid back" at work and they say that nothing is ever a problem to me. Well it isn't. "How hard can things really be?" I just remind myself of what I have been through and there isn't much can be worse apart from something more serious of course.
• Writing it down is good for you - even if it isn't always the 100% of what you feel or even if you tone the language back a bit.

So much has changed in 26 months that I can hardly believe it. This blog will be 2 years old soon. Whether there is some greater plan at work, I know not. I do have a nagging worry that this isn't the end of things - I suppose we all do. The risk of recurrence is always there unless you have surgery and there is the bottom line for me when I think about it. It was still caught early enough to treat it, sure I had some surgery but not a removal of the bladder which would have still arrived at the same result. You don't have cancer.

What nags away is that I may be more susceptible to other cancers and yet, I am physically fit (despite the obvious limitations of my treatment and fatigue problems), I am mentally tough, I don't have colds or other problems with my health - this is the first real problem I have had in 30 years.

The last treatment? It sure is and it lessens the possibilities of anything nasty happening with that. It can be pretty deadly if this goes wrong. I will not miss the whole experience - it wasn't high up on the things I want to do before I die list anyway. I will not miss the side effects which, either I am getting used to or they lessen as there isn't anything to react to inside my bladder. Certainly, the first tow lots of treatment I ever had were really doing their thing. These days, rough as it is, there isn't anywhere near the pain, debris and side effects as there used to be. I hope that is the case today but who knows it might sign off with a bang :-)

Strange feelings, I won't miss it but at least the bathroom will stop smelling like a swimming pool on a Monday evening.

Last one

The last treatment? I hope so, I really do. This time tomorrow it will be over and I hope that I'll be able to look forward to brighter and better things.

Life around the house isn't all peace and harmony at the moment and I doubt that my rather uncompromising responses actually help the situation when all said and done.

None of these things are "life threatening" and are just trivial - as you know, I really cannot take trivial stuff and arguing about nothing. Oh well serious things elsewhere. A friend called, he lost his Father earlier this year and his wife had a very serious stroke leaving her seriously disabled although she continues to make great progress. She now has Breast Cancer and he has lost his job. Life can be downright cruel. What more does the family have to suffer?

Puts our little spats into some sort of context.

Making Up Your Mind

How difficult can it be to work out what you are doing in a month's time, let alone today.

I find that there is a general lack of decisiveness generally but at home, sometimes, it can really drive me nuts. I am trying to get a decisions - any decision about a number of events that are coming up. Do you think I can get anyone to say yes or even no? Of course not!

So trying to plan anything is almost impossible and even if it is planned they sometime change their minds. Maybe, just maybe when they all get back today I'll get some sort of answers. It isn't for lack of trying.

On a sad note, I just heard that my friend's youngest brother was found dead in New Zealand from, as yet, unknown causes. He was feeling ill, got out of his camper van and the owner of the site found him collapsed dead sometime later. How awful.

Out soon

Hope I can stay awake. Just had a long snooze in the chair and didn't want to as I missed parts of Qualification for the F1 and MotoGP. Doh!

I'll have to try and ensure that I stay awake this evening.

Psychological Boost

I feel really quite well and apart from a very slight dry throat (it is yet another side effect) I'm really feeling quite upbeat and it has to be a combination of having had such a good reception following my presentation on Thursday and that at that point, possibly more than any other, it laid down who I am and what I can do and set the scene. Finally I fit in at work and they - for the first time - saw me presenting in full flow and emphasising in the right place, inserting the humour and playing the audience. That was good and ego is comfortably been stroked with that. I have that smug smile you wear internally when I think about it.

Then, of course, is Monday. How I really want it to be the very last time I have the BCG instillation and yet when I first started having them and didn't know if they would work I had resigned myself to potentially having a life time of them. Within my grasp now is the very real possibility that this will be the last.

I can't even begin to tell you how good that actually feels. Winning the lottery I suppose, getting a gold medal, maybe? It really is a weight off of me and it does actually feel like that too. I do feel lighter and it is amazing how "light" you feel your body is weighing you down and your arms and torso just feel like they are dragging down your shoulders and your head is down. I have no idea how your body does that but you do really notice it.

I am feeling really upbeat today and just want to get on with things that are lying around in my office here.

At long last I am close enough to the end of the tunnel to be dazzled by the light and make out the walls and details. Better than that, it is near enough to smell the fresh air, see the sunshine beaming in to the portal. Not long now and I can be out there, out of the tunnel, off of the roller coaster and emerge blinking into this new landscape. It will be different from the scenery I saw before I entered but that is no bad thing is it?

I need to cope with a few of the extremes of my changed persona - especially the utter confidence and over talkative bit. I need to work on the accepting that a lot of people are in fact idiots and not get sharp, angry or down right rude to them. I also need to work on this emotion thing. I am still finding that side of things quite difficult to cope with. I have a feeling that I see other people's experiences and sort of tack my experience alongside it. I feel really bad for them but not for myself, sort of surrogate suffering :-) I am sure this will subside over time as, I am certain, will all of the other "side effects" both mental and physical.

It is nice not to have to go back to the despair of a year ago. It is great to be alive and to be able to look forward again. When I consider everything else that has happened and the people I know who haven't made it through the same period it is a bit worrying. Three of us survive, at least 3 died and one who survived now has a recurrence. People get Cancer all the time, perhaps it is me but a LOT of people appear to be getting it, maybe I am just attuned to hearing or filtering out the word Cancer in discussions and in print? They said Chernobyl would take 20 years to get us :-) Crikey I hope it isn't that!

Now to pack away the Cancer baggage and move on to see what will happen in the next chapter at the other end of the tunnel.

Hard Day

Boy we were all tired this morning back at work. It takes it out of you setting up and then taking down a presentation and with attendees close to 25 or so we had a lot of networking to do and plenty of sorting out food, teas and coffees as well as doing our own work.

We then did some entertaining and hence I got home latish but then needed to catch up with stuff here.

Anyway, I took an earlier train home and promptly fell asleep on there until we arrived at the station and have walked home. I'm writing this, doing a couple of e-mails and then I am going to get changed and collapse into my arm chair!

I am actually quite pleased that I made it and haven't really had any fatigue problems. What is also quite gratifying was someone noticing that I have lost a bit of weight. I haven't been seriously dieting I have though been taking things easy and laying off big portions etc.

Buzz

Wow, that went down well - my key note speech. However, with all the clearing away and all that - it is now tomorrow! Kind of :-)

I have to be up in 5 hours...

Will I make it?

Blimey - when the fatigue kicks in

It is going to see me over for days. I cannot believe how much work I got done today. All hell broke loose and I contained it all but ended up missing out on a meeting this evening because I was late. There was no way I was going to make it after I had been told early in the morning that extra work needed to be done.

So, I really blitzed the work out and all is now ready for tomorrow. It isn't over and tomorrow is the big day - a large conference - I have the keynote speech which I am relishing and dreading at the same time. I am also facilitating one of the Syndicate sessions. Additionally, as I know a bit about technology, I am looking after IT during the day too.

It is going to be the biggest challenge I have faced and I am looking forward to it. I know just how much this will take out of me and I have to entertain some into the evening too. That too is OK but after that will come the payback and I have no doubt I will be wiped out for the weekend. It was nice to hear from a friend of a friend this evening that my people are pleased with what I deliver.

Other than that - today was my day, I forgot about most of the the day to day and got on and made my mark today...

Am I ever tired but, I need to be on top of my game tomorrow.

I bet you can't tell it was a bad day today

:-)

About the worst day I have had in terms of head stuff. I'm trying to work out how I am the villain of the piece but then I don't do beat around the bush or gloss over or some other sort of "it didn't really happen" stuff.

You know if you ask me a question you will get the answer you don't want so why ask me. I go back to the curse of the INTJ (Myers Briggs Personality Type). I don't see things other than what they are, I cut through all the bull and get to the point. In my eyes if you ask me whether something is black or white then it will be one of those it wont be anything else - I don't deal in anything other than that.

It annoys the hell out of me when I'm asked something and I spend time analysing and coming back with a reasoned and well thought through argument for it to be ignored. The fun part is that you'll get even more annoyed with me when it gets to the point of "I told you so!"

So - bad day? You bet. I've got a house full of moody women and although I managed to get out for an hour with a friend for a beer and a get it off my chest session when I got back all I got was "you're back early!"

Anyway, back to work tomorrow. Woe betide anyone who wants to give me grief tomorrow. I really have had a belly full of that today.

Dealing With It!

How difficult is it to talk to someone who is dying? How about expressing your feelings to a friend who's loved one is seriously ill. Do you know what to say? Do you feel inadequate and can't put the right words together?

That is how people deal with me when they know what I have or rather had.

Then there is the other side of the coin. Only if you have had something like this can you begin to get near to understand what it does to you mentally and physically. You put up with a hell of a lot of things and your mind has its own battles with itself inside your head and sometimes you just have to let it do that. The fear and the terrible dreams and the (lets not beat about the bush here) the pain of it can best be described as indescribable (I have always wanted to use that phrase and had to work it in somewhere).

The worst bit is acting normally and then getting treated normally because actually, you wouldn't mind a bit of sympathy sometime. But we all know where sympathy is placed in the Dictionary (if you don't it is between Sh1t and Syphilis) - it's an old saying we used to use.

So what am I banging on about? Well I'm getting some of the anger out of my system. You see, it's actually another problem when dealing with it and that is the very real worry that it will come back, that - then - at best you may have to go through all of this again or at worst - well you don't want to thing of that but it could be that would be possible. With BC there are some other avenues for sure, like get it all cut out and use a bag which - if it keeps you alive - is acceptable I think.

No the issue is - am I more susceptible to cancer from now on or have I got past that. I've discussed that your personality doesn't change but your attitude does and your outlook does and those who know you well either get used to it or they don't. I can't say I always like the "new me", it can be quite assertive and also quite dismissive, critical and I don't do messing around or dithering or procrastination. I'm hard on myself because my "performance" has dropped off and my brain isn't as fast as it used to be and physically I'm a mere shadow of my former self but all these things are adding up to do one of two things:

Either you like me like this and get it
You can't understand it and don't like me.

The latter lot need to decide what it is to be and stop pussy footing around and perhaps I need to take the initiative a bit more.

Whatever it is, the depth of all the issues that face anyone in this situation really does lead you to consider your own mortality, then, what you want to do about it. Those who don't "get it" may not understand that as a Cancer Survivor, every day is far more precious than before, things sometime cannot wait as you may not see them done at all. Other people's petty bickering and flirting (by that I mean just not getting on and making a decision) all don't have a place. I see it at work and wonder why the huge fuss over nothing? What earthly good can come of wasting your life in discussions or arguing about what font size to write a document in and so on.

Talk to a group of Cancer sufferers and those who have recovered and their whole outlook on life is different. I connect with these people easily now and immediately you find out that they have or have had Cancer, there is a rapport that comes from knowing this stuff "ain't for sissies" and that they will understand the issues you are having with non sufferers in general. It doesn't make things at all easy as relationships you have had for a long time I have found begin to suffer.

And Another Thing

Only one more left to go. Then in three months an operation (Yuk) but that should give them sufficient data to see whether I have won the lottery or not.

So far it has all been good news. The longer you go without recurrence the better it is. It has been close to 13 months now and by December 17 months clear - well with no cancer there. Same thing.

Could it be that this whole episode can be wrapped up and put in the "experience" cupboard? I do hope so.

The problems now are dealing with it - next post deals with what I mean.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Yep,

Good - Was OK and apart from a little discomfort on instillation all was OK a little bit sore and the usual this morning but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I expected this time.
Bad - "A" spent 4 hours on her first day at Uni and decided she doesn't want to carry on.
Bad - Whilst I am in the worst state of this treatment (about hours 4 to 6 in) they want to talk to me about it. Ugly - how it got when I lost my temper. At about that time, I have aches in my joints, minor cramps in my arms and legs, muscle spasms in my bladder and my middle feels sore, let alone my marriage tackle feels like it has been kicked inside my body. The very last thing I need is some "decision" to make and it isn't my decision anyway, if that is what they want to do, get on with it. Just leave me alone to stew - I feel like sh1te anyway, don't make me feel any worse than that. As you can tell I wasn't happy - not with the news itself, that made me feel sad really but, I'm not the one there and whilst I may ask awkward questions and be less than amused by how quickly defeat was admitted - it isn't exactly rocket science if you don't like the people and you don't like your flat mates etc.

Ugly - No one listens to my advice anyway, they ask a question, don't get the answer they want and go off and do what they planned to do in the first place. To say I needed that sort of conversation as I was doing my wriggling about thing would be an understatement. I can barely combat all the twinges and spasms going on in my body let alone think straight.

So give me a break. I wouldn't go and ask an RTA victim directions, would you?

Forgetful people

No matter how widely I tell people that I cannot take messages or talk to them or do anything when I am having this BCG treatment you still get the idiots who want to call or say didn't you get my e-mail and all that.

Drives you wild. I wonder if some people are just thick or stupid or both. Whatever it is, it is always them that have been put out by my lying in a darkened room. Selfish gits. :-)

It is all downhill after today

Penultimate Treatment. A bit like the Olympic Stars saying - "It hasn't sunk in yet". It hasn't; but I am beginning to think the unthinkable, that perhaps in 2009 it will all be over.

At least I am in a better mood this morning. The crazy bit is that what I probably need to do is to be quite brutal to the people who cannot get organised and let me know on time and if they want to come along on Wednesday and they haven't informed me prior to the deadline that I just say NO. That will teach them! You can lead a Horse to water and all that.....

So, how is today going to be? Well, judging by this morning, I'm the one slightly stressed out and I really shouldn't be as I've done everything I can do and it is out of my hands now. I need to just wind down a few notches as I don't want to be tense when I get the treatment done. You don't want to be wound up or stressed out for that - no way.

I'll fire off some warning e-mails and C is pretty good if anyone phones up - she tells them that I I've had my treatment and I'm lying in a ball upstairs - "Do you really want me to disturb him?" Those that do, soon realise that the very last thing I want to be doing for about 24 hours is talking to anyone, not that I can often with the croaky voice I get with this. Funny side effects it gives you, the worst being the fuzzy brain when you hunt for words - it is really frustrating to find that you stop in mid ......

Sentence :-)

Right, doing the blog isn't going to help me complete my work so I had better get on.

Today

I cant say that this weekend has been high up in my list of happy or enjoyable times. I'm under pressure to get some work done and I am not being helped because I haven't got answers back by today to enable me to do that. Treatment will prevent me actually getting things done in time.

I've had the trauma of A and C getting to University, deciding whether or not to stay at the Flat - gee thanks for that 1 year's rent down the toilet or not? As you know I really don't like indecisive people. Unfortunately the weekend of almost minute by minute U turns drove me nuts and even now I'm sure I haven't heard the last of that. A now has one of her flat mates turn up who she has taken an instant dislike to. Maybe it is just me, I've had to work with plenty of people I don't see eye to eye with but there you go.

Being a planned person it also doesn't help when things get ordered from me last minute and so generally I was pretty unimpressed by this weekend's goings on.

In the meantime, I have been trying to sort myself out and get ready for my Key Note speech on Thursday but again, people are missing the big picture and scratching at some minor detail and totally missing the point there. I need to tell someone tomorrow.

It all actually builds back to the treatment which will take me out for a day and a half. I need that time not because of anything I have failed to do but because everyone else around me has missed their deadlines, cannot make their minds up or are otherwise being priggs and they all want me to sort out their problems. Normally I would do so but I can't and I know that something is going to give later this week, I'm just not sure what. Certainly someone is going to get the sharp edge of my tongue if nothing else.

Getting ready

Yes Monday will be a bit of a landmark day I suppose, it will be my penultimate treatment and in a way I am beginning to get enthusiastic again about what I can do once this is a little further out of the way. The limitation being, I guess, my physical state but despite that, I really am looking forward to not having this treatment as an excuse. I know that the next 6 weeks or so will see a repeat of the side effects but, apart from the operation in December, that could be it for a while.

I'm sort of tired of not doing things and I am looking forward to getting some of my social life back.

The treatment does fuddle your brain though and sticking at things other than work seem to give me difficulty, I cannot really go beyond a couple of hours intensive brain work and less than that if it is physical without needing a break. I did manage to get some stuff done this morning but this afternoon I am struggling.

Time to go and read through my course notes for my Foundation course I think and map down what I'll need to be doing in the next 9 months of study.

Somewhat unexpectedly

C has decided to stay down with A at her flat. Nice to give me 5 minutes notice I always think!

It also proved a little more than difficult to ferry the other child to her appointment this evening given I got 10 minutes notice that it was required and the fact, which after I had explained it, sunk in, that my car wasn't in fact in the driveway as they happened to have used it to move into the flat and if they looked out of their window would have seen my car a good many miles away from where it was needed to undertake the errand they had asked me to.

Noting like a plan and let's face it that was nothing like a plan as they also managed to leave their credit cards and cash here as well so not a lot got done at all.

What hacks me off is that no one even thought that through and then I get it in the neck!

Anyway, it is late and I'd best go to bed I suppose. I can have a real moan tomorrow if one or either of them gets back.

Off to University

A has just left with her Mum. I'm a little bit envious. I doubt she sees it the same way I do. I never got the chance to go to University and so that is why I am envious.

I could have gone, I was good enough to go and do History - I remember it well, it just wasn't what you did and I very much doubt my parents could have paid for the privilege either. Our school really wasn't set up like that. If I had gone where I was meant to go to school then things may have been different. I am of course making up for that now by studying for History now and I start next month myself.

However, the way my office looks at the moment after we have rifled it for stuff to go to University with A I need a weekend to clean it all up to get ready.

It is strange but I'm really pleased for A, I don't feel that she has moved out and that's it or any great upheaval like some parents do and all this outpouring of emotion and tears etc - what is all that about? The last thing we need is for any upset to be happening it is probably stressful enough for this next few weeks - to her it is the unknown and she is the one being brave and getting on with it, the last things she needs is for her supportive parents to be blabbing at her departure.

She has the next 3 (or 4 if Gap year) to have a great time, make friends for life, set up her career and become independent. What an opportunity? Good for her.

What a heavy day yesterday was

Full on day and I managed to get a mass of things done. I'm on a working party for a new campaign. That isn't easy work as it combines 4 disparate organisations and tries to give out a common message about them. Much gnashing of teeth and wailing :-) However, massive progress yesterday. I don't agree with most of the outcome it is shows little ambition but hey ho!

The rest of the day was given over to the forum next week. My speech and presentation is a key one and needs some serious work - I am at home today to do justice to that. I need to produce a book about it as well which is almost finished. Additionally the delegates packs needed thinking through and getting started, I again got that moving. I need to produce about 10 documents by Monday morning but this suits me. A is off to University today and I wanted to be home to make sure that I at least waved her off. I can't go with her as the car is so full of stuff there is only room for two including the driver so C will go with A down to her new flat and work out what is needed as there are bound to be things they need.

Last night I got to the station and they cancelled my train so I went and worked at my club up the road. That was useful as I got a lot more thinking work done. The downside was I did another 3 hours work more than I normally do and so I was absolutely knackered when I got home. I reckon if I hadn't been working from home today that I would have to have gone in late or taken the day off anyway.

Anyway, plenty to do, must dash.

Jazz

How do they know just when to join in and make a great sound? Well I should know a bit about this being a musician - you just feel it and join in and jam along.

It was a lovely evening and I did enjoy myself and that is the point isn't it? Just get over the hump that says "don't" and just get past that and go and do "stuff". It is liberating, I just wished that I let go a bit more really. We "Brits" can be a bit reserved and we don't really let our hair down. Perhaps we should, we are good company and I managed to get at least 10 laughs this evening on the table.

Unfortunately the part of "annoying talking animal is already taken" - don't you just love Shrek and (of course) we get a slightly different version in the UK - we have Jonathan Ross as the Ugly Sister/Barkeep! (Like Jay Leno but without the chin or humour!).

Anyway - so nice to get out and let rip a little - I was in danger of disappearing up my own backside :-)

Blat

Kerpowww, wallopp! Thwack.

Yep - great words - just how I felt today, I had forgotten the hoarse voice and the brain scramble you get with this treatment. Boy did I do some work today. I got a the document finished, a whole load of stuff for the presentation next week done, two letters and another two documents fixed plus a few other things including getting my brochure approved for printing.

I am knackered but I am not resting I am off out tonight to the Jazz Club - great I could do with an evening out.

Ready to go to work

And there are still 10 minutes before I have to leave. Terrible night's sleep I slept fitfully and my legs were playing merry hell with a sort of mild cramping in each - enough to merit attention but not enough to turn into cramp. They still ache this morning.

I feel awake enough - I guess I will get tired quickly once I get to work and actually catch up and then do something.

The crazy, strange and beguiling world of BCG immunotherapy - welcome to my world :-)

The Trouble with Sleeping in

Is that at 11 pm I am wide awake and I need to be up at 5:30 am....

This is the tough bit - I made sure that I got a lot of rest as when I haven't in the past, it has wiped me out. The problem now is that come Thursday I will be utterly knackered and perhaps I'll ask to work at home on Friday - that would help things along nicely as we only do 6 hours on Friday and I could do more here as I wouldn't need to travel.

Right - off to bed and see if I can actually get some sleep?

Treatment 1 of 3

Was - as usual - a little bit sore to start with but once done it was OK. I was in and out in no time which was a relief, nothing quite like waiting for 20 minutes to have a pipe shoved up you :-)

The usual turning, pills and going in and out of the toilet with bio hazard precautions followed.

It sure did sting a couple of times and I've thrown out some large lumps of bladder lining this morning but I feel OK. I feel sore around my middle - not surprisingly and a little befuddled which is pretty normal. I am trying to sort out my office and just don't really feel up to it and I remind myself that I really should be sitting down or having bed rest. I will do that soon I think as it is stupid to come up here and overdo things, I've done that before and it just sets you back.

Other than that - not a lot to report - strange and bizarre dreams no sign of the tormentors anymore thank goodness.

I'm glad I am alright and I am pleased that there are only two more to go - I know that they will be a little worse than this one but it still goes back to no pain, no gain and positive attitude that these things, unpleasant as they are do work and the results have been wonderful so far.

Here we go again

Let it be the last time. There could only be so many Rocky Movies so please let this be the last lot of three BCG treatments that I need.

The traditional ritual or perhaps habit now kicks in. I have had my lunch at 11:30 and my last drink before midday. My treatment is at 2 pm. If I get there a little early perhaps I will get done a little earlier too. I now need to get my drugs together, something to read and perhaps something to listen to. Additionally I will get my notepad to keep a record of things as they happen and my bleach and stuff to go into the toilet.

I've signed off from work with an auto response message and I only now need to concentrate on getting everything in place.

I remember last time it being worse than I remember and strangely the brain has a wonderful way of not remembering that.

This time I have been less "nervous" although I can feel slight apprehension at the moment it isn't anywhere near what it was prior to the first times.

Anyway, I sure hope that this lot does its stuff and that come December we can turn a page, start a new chapter and move on.

I thought about my cousin the other day who is having chemotherapy and remembered what a personal thing it is having treatment. No matter what you say to people you cannot express what it is like. You have to go through it yourself to fully understand it and words are not enough. Many people say that they don't know how I could let people do what they do to me - and I certainly was in that camp myself but when the end justifies the means you can accept just about anything. The call it life because they don't call it practice or rehearsal. Once you get that into your head and that maybe life is a little more interesting than the alternatives the choices are do it and live or don't and die :-)

Profound stuff for a Monday :-) Anyway, here we go and my Open University Foundation Course stuff has just arrived - excellent.

24 Hours

To go to treatment and I'm not thinking too much about it apart from noting it down here. I am wondering whether to work with the very real possibility that these three could be the last and that way I can work my mind into "only three more to go" and so on down to "last one!"

Of course, that isn't to say that this is the lot and I won't need anymore of course. Considering how vigorous this was initially and how they couldn't believe the biopsies and the way they had managed to tackle this, I suppose I ought to be prepared for it to come back? As I said before it can do that but the longer you go without a recurrence, the more likely it is it will have gone altogether. The other good thing is that it is relatively slow growing and can be caught (although I am guessing not in all cases).

Already I am feeling much better about the future and I am beginning to pull out and away from my normal demeanour perhaps back to somewhere and something like I was 5 or more years ago. I strongly believe that I have been "ill" for some time before I actually got ill. On reflection I was getting lethargic and lost interest in lots of things and didn't really want to get involved in anything.

It is a strange thing to say but the changes happening to me at the moment are quite surprising. I know I am getting better. I can feel my attitude and outlook on life and general confidence and self esteem are rising. It is about time - I'm getting slightly less cautious about things concerning my life and my future. There are less reasons not to do something - so less objections to suggested evenings out, going visiting and socials which I have tended to avoid (even if I do enjoy things once I am there).

My only challenge at the moment is to get beyond the fitness, fatigue and exhaustion stage which is probably the most annoying thing as it just happens often without any warning and it can just wipe you out. I think the one thing I do need to do is not take on so much at a time and to pace it properly. Trying to continue on like I used to and doing too much just isn't going to help.

Mountain of stuff to do

I have sat down at my desk and looked at a complete mountain load of things I need to get done. It is a bit daunting when you see quite how much there is but I just need to work my way through it all. That isn't easy when I keep getting trivial interruptions and also that the remainder of the household seem to be using my office a lot today!

I just hope I can get through all of this stuff in the next few days as my desk and my large work table / drawing board are disappearing under all sorts of paper, boxes and CDs, DVDs etc.

It is amazing quite how it gets like this. My desk at work is ordered tidiness but here it looks as if a small bomb has been thrown in to the room.

I'm surprised at how Monday's treatment hasn't been playing on my mind and it was only really in the last few days I began to think about it. Whilst I am not looking forward to this - I can, I think, take the view that these may the last ones of these I have to do. I might well need a yearly flexible cystoscopy but that is probably going to something I can deal with slightly differently to these and I understand that they are done locally too which is a great weight off my mind as having to get to the first Hospital we went to which has very little parking and is a fair drive away, at least this one is so near that I'll be able to get home quickly and suffer in silence rather than squirm inside a car or taxi for 30 or more minutes!

Anyway, three more to go and perhaps this episode can be placed into the experience drawer and life can get back to whatever next it will throw at me.

Weekend, Rest, Treatment

My - hasn't the gap between treatments flown by? It hardly seems 9 weeks ago I finished off the last lot.

I feel tired but happy today - work has been hard and hectic this week but they like the work I do and how much I do. The next few weeks will be trying for us as I try and squeeze 5 days work into effectively 3 and a half days!

Lots of things going on as well that I must turn my attention to. A is off to Uni and her flat becomes available on Monday. She won't move in until later as I will be having my treatment on Monday and there isn't really a great rush for that.

I am trying to see what my schedule is like for the rest of the year and I am trying to sort out days and dates when we are all together. I've probably got to accept that it will not be that often.

On another note - the people I used to work for (oh no I didn't that's right :-) ) have been in touch with the people that I introduced them to (or didn't as they will have me believe) and it looks as if they have been somewhat shafted and are having to do something else which is fantastic and wonderful but they can't say what it is yet :-)

Maybe, just maybe they'll have got the message for it was a year ago now that we all went up to Scotland to get trained after it having been launched in June 2007 and here we are almost in September 2008 and they have - well nothing. Tragic isn't it?

What on earth were they thinking? Oh well, I suppose I ought to thank them for allowing me to break with the old world and join the Third Sector. What a difference.

Baggage Handling

Not at the airport, in and around yourself. What a load of stuff we accumulate and things that we "have" to do and yet, the world would squeeze by without me and things would have gotten done and suddenly all the trappings and possessions seem to be trivial. Some things are nice to have, some things I wonder what on earth I was thinking. Stuff just accumulates and builds up and it is is beginning to get in my way.

Suddenly things are changing again and the course has altered again. Not sure where I'm actually going but there is a change in the wind and that's refreshing in itself. Maybe I am finally coming to terms with the events of the past few years?

I will just have to see where it leads me - it isn't clear but I felt I really turned a corner today.

Fight back

I had a dream last night but this time it was different. For a long while, a familiar face (I have yet to place it) beats me up and I am defenceless to stop him. It is a short and sadistic - no blood - punching and kicking affair and I lie there and take it.

Not in last night's dream. The shock on his face when I laid into him was good to see. It is perhaps a poignant reminder that these past few weeks and months of fatigue and tiredness are transient parts of my recovery and that it isn't going to stop me from recovering or drag me back. I just wont let it and that is final. As you'd expect from me the punishment was short and effective and that was it, no gloating or sucker punching.

This guy's gone the way of the black dog and if he comes back he'll get more of the same. The road is forward from now on and it is time to shake off some of the baggage that has accumulated these past 2 years.

Went OK

I was tired today and it wasn't helped by rescheduling a meeting forward to today. As usual - chaos ensued and I just managed to get things sorted in time.

I felt tired enough to fall asleep in the chair for 20 minutes when I got in though.

I'd be off to bed now but one of the kids has decided to take a late shower which is a lot of use when I am trying to get to bed!

Back to work

I will get back tomorrow and prepare for the next 3 weeks of interrupted service with my treatment. Right in the middle of it we have a major meeting that requires my attention and there are all sorts of pressures to get things done as well.

I suppose I ought to be looking forward to getting back to it tomorrow but in reality it is the effort required to get to and from work that appears to be giving me some of my problems. Perhaps I can work out some arrangement?

Positive Thinking

I've always tried to be positive and yet recently, as I realise that I am coming out of this part of the journey, I find myself - not worrying - that would be too much to say - but at the back of my mind is the concern that there is something else out there which is going to get me because this one didn't.

I know that is a strange thing to say but the nagging feeling is that if you get one cancer, are you likely to get another one - are you "more susceptible" perhaps? No one seems to have answered that and I don't like thinking about it but there it is this little voice in the back of my head saying those sorts of things. It isn't black dog invading my mind and dreams and making me depressed or anything either. Just one of those things that niggles in the background.

I'm still positive and upbeat though and if it wasn't for the fatigue, disturbed sleep patterns and other reminders of how weak I am, I'd be pretty certain that I'm on the right road. I need to remind myself that it has taken 25 months to get this far and that this is a long term thing. It isn't getting over a cold and going back to work exactly the same as you were before it. This totally changes you physically and mentally.

Another missed day

I was wide awake last night and couldn't get to sleep and knew that I'd be in no fit state to go to work so I e-mailed at about 1 in the morning telling them that. It is a real nuisance but part of the territory. I have to admit to myself now that I really cannot expect to be fit and healthy and manage to work as hard as I did yesterday and not suffer the consequences of that afterwards.

I'm OK but I do know that I've overdone it. The trouble is my ability to go out for an evening or even have a few beers is limited and I find myself tired or wide awake or like now, having the hot and cold sweats for no apparent reason.

Frustration at the way this hits me is another thing. It annoys me when I can't go to work but then again, I need to realise that this is all part of the fallout of having cancer. It is a long fight and when you get to the end of the treatment, like now, you let you guard down and forget just how poorly you were and just how much it has taken out of you.

Slowly it dawns on me how tired travelling to London and back every day makes me, let alone the work I do. Treatment starts next week and I know what that will be like for a while. It is a long road back to being fit and healthy again - I have to realise that being free of cancer doesn't mean I am cured, or recovered from all the mental and physical stresses and strains of the fight.

So tired was I that

I didn't actually post my Friday message until just now! I went to bed and slept for the Gold medal :-)

I got up Saturday, took the sample in, repaired this guys PC - gee did it have some viruses on it, went to a 50th party and have been wiped out today.

Anyway - now a little less tired I am retiring to bed.

Tomorrow week the treatment starts and that will bring its own interest - I was talking to some people last night about the "ability" to have the treatment and I really do hope that these three will be the last. It would be nice to set off with a clean sheet in 2009.

Stop messing with the Gravity Switch

I am convinced there is someone playing with the gravity switch. By which I mean this on off of fatigue I keep getting. It is just as if someone turned a switch. I feel absolutely wiped out tonight. I got home, fell asleep n the train and as I got in and sat in my chair.

It is the most amazing feeling as if a weight is pressing down on your whole body. You just don't want to try and get up and move against the force.

It is 9 in the evening and I write this just as I am about to go to bed as I just want to go and sleep.

I've got someone wants me to go and check out his PC or something and I have to get a sample into the Hospital in the morning and I must catch up with a huge backlog of things.

What a good evening out

I didn't really want to go but decided that I should get out as I was being a little bit negative about things.

Good thing to - I thoroughly enjoyed my evening and had a lovely meal, in good company.

What struck me was that one of my oldest friends was wondering whether we had fallen out?? Oh my, what had I done? Well - I just hadn't been in touch and for 6 weeks which is just amazing. Of course I haehaven't fallen out with him. Just time has disappeared and in my current inward looking phase I have just let work and tiredness get in the way of other things which are - frankly - rather important. I must be on the look out for that. I am concentrating so hard on me that I am not taking into account other people. Note to self - sort that out sooner rather than later.

Work is frenetic

Which is good - but wow - do I ever feel tired. There are about 5 main projects all in different stages of readiness and I am juggling to keep all the balls in the air.

That is fine but I also need to make some room for all my work here at home. I've been that knackered that I really haven't achieved much in the way of progress but I intend to this weekend. We have a bank holiday on Monday but that has now been booked with people coming around. So just Saturday and Sunday. I have lots to catch up and do and I've been invited out tomorrow evening. I suppose I ought to go to that.

A isn;t back from a brief holiday with her pals.

Tired

I stopped off to meet some friends at a Pub in London and just stayed for a few. I am so tired now that I am off to bed early again.

I have a full day of it tomorrow and so need to be up early and getting prepared.

I wish I could spend a little more on work here but perhaps this weekend I can set myself up to catch up.

Fatigue coming in again

Hit me over the weekend and again today - luckily not at work but I just fell asleep in front of the TV and so came up here to knock out a blog, catch up with some e-mail backlog. Got a call someone wants me to fix their PC for them. No use telling retired people that I work down the week and as usual, I said I'd help out!

I really cannot keep up these days. Thanks goodness a bank holiday coming up but realised that I am about to go back on treatment Monday week! I'll need to get my sample in this Friday or Saturday then I suppose! They do a cytology test on your urine these days to make sure there are no traces of blood. I believe that they have the ability to actually test for BC as well at the same time too.

So back to being tired and how to combat it. I suppose the only real way to do this is to work on fitness and trying to be clever with time. I have lots to do and yet I really am not managing my time well. Work is something that I concentrate very hard on and that I get in and don't stop until I go home. I do however go home on time every day - but I don't have a break at lunch time and just blitz my way through the day. I am guessing that I ought to start to have a break at lunchtime :-) As I have my University course starting in a month, I will make time every day to do something. I need to sort myself out this weekend to get my course books and set aside my time to myself to get stuck in. I'm pretty excited about the prospect but not about the time I may lose around Christmas with the operation - although perhaps being stuck at home I'll be able to really get stuck in?

I'm going to take myself off to bed and see if I can get a good night's sleep and see if that helps me.

Weekend without a blog?

Well almost - I went out Friday evening and just haven't felt brilliant since. I feel the fatigue coming on and it is as if I am ailing from something but not quite.

I don't seem to be able to sit down and concentrate on doing things that I should do. Mainly such things as getting back up to speed with all my administration work. I'm going to have to sort things out soon as already I can see a back log of work.

I didn't even get around to doing any blogging this weekend. The Olympics kept me amused and it has been two good days but the real reason is that I just don't feel like doing anything at all at the moment. Maybe I will snap out of it later.

I must be getting older

Or perhaps more sensitive to information. Everyone seems to have cancer or know someone who does. It just seems to be one of those things that I'm tuned into I suppose. The trouble is that a lot of the ones I am hearing about are really aggressive and sudden and nearly everyone of them has been terminal of late.

I'm thinking to myself "there but by the grace of G-d go I!!"

I'm actually feeling very well indeed. I could do with losing a few pounds but other than that and the tiredness which isn't as bad but is in the background, I'm OK. Long may it remain that way.

A day for losing my sense of humour and for celebration

A Level results day so A went off and got her results which were better than expected and more than she needs to go to Uni. She is out with her friends enjoying a few drinks to celebrate. Not all did so well and so whilst we are pleased there are some worried faces and clearing but it looks as if they are all sorted with a place.

As for my loss of humour. I bought an online season ticket months ago and use it every day - yesterday it sort of didn't work so I went to change it just like it says I can. Now here is the "BUT". You can't just change it because you bought it on line we need to see the receipt - no matter that the ticket has my ID card and name written all over it!! So I dutifully get that and go in early this morning. They want 15 minutes to sort it out! I need to be put on the system and I would have missed my train and so I go and wait for my train and 15 minutes later when the train is due they cancel it (they wait until the minute it was due to do this). I then go over the platform and get another train which is of course really crowded and get to London where I try again to sort the ticket. Oh no, I can do it but it will take me 15 or 20 minutes and it isn't issued from here you should go to your home station - I explain that I had already done this.

Leaving work early so I can get to the station in time, I am surprised to find my ticket now works quite nicely at both ends. When I get here though - the ticket office is closed!

You couldn't make it up could you. Modern IT has moved us nowhere. 20 years ago you could walk in to the station and they would replace a faded ticket straight away. Now you need 3000 NASA scientists to programme the tea machine! Utter pillocks the lot of them and a load of "jobsworths".

So, rant is over, I am going out to lunch tomorrow and then in the evening we are going out to my friend's 51st party! Cool.

A nice birthday

My Daughter L. We went out - 8 of us and had a lovely meal in a country pub and it didn't cost the earth. Very pleasant and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Note to self - we must do more of that sort of thing it was really enjoyable much like the holiday...

Work was OK but got some bad news as a friend's father has a very nasty cancer indeed and I don't think that anyone has accepted the prognosis. All clutching at remote 2nd opinions and the like at present. From what I have heard and know, it isn't great news.

I'm reminded that my cousin is going through chemo at the moment but doesn't feel up to talking. I'm in two minds whether to write and empathise - I feel a bit of a fraud when it comes to my cancer compared to some of the terrible things other people have to put up with.

Another opportunity to get out on Friday when it is a friend's birthday (who I had the joint party with last year). Tomorrow A gets her A level results. We hope for good things and that she will go on to University. If she does, I think it will be the making of her, she has changed so much this past year. She really is turning out to be joy in both her attitude and her performance. She works really hard and deserves to do well.

Small World

So I met up with a friend who is going off to Florida this Friday. Where are you staying I ask? Blow me if it isn't a few miles from my Aunt and Uncle!

I spoke to the boss yesterday - he asked if I got my tan sitting in the garden or away. Told him I had been to the Azores - guess where he went 2 months ago???

Life is full of little coincidences - Same town/city in Florida - same town/city in the Azores - how bizarre.

Of course I should have been in Chicago this week (lucky it wasn't last week looking at the weather) but that didn't happen! Maybe that was pre planned too? Perhaps that is taking it too far :-)

I wonder sometimes about fate, coincidence and other spooky stuff? I knew I had something wrong with me some time before it happened and I do tend to pick up on tenuous connections before most people. Maybe I am just paranoid :-)

Working from Home

Typical - it has cleared up now - nice a bright although they say worse is on its way. It looks stupid now but I've been working since 6:40 and so will get more done today than I probably would have anyway.

What still at home this morning?

Afraid so - the wisest should be building Arks! I walked no more than 150 yards and was soaked through. Came back, got changed - walked less this time and decided to give it a miss! That's two pairs of trousers, socks and shoes soaked through and a third isn't going to prove to be any better given it is stair rodding it down outside.

I'll e-mail the office and work from home today - it is easy enough to do and I have plenty to get on with. Now to see if the remote working system actually does!

I think 3 or 4 years ago I would have battled on through but I can't be spending hours in wet clothes or getting chills or hypothermia - and believe me - I reckon that was possible this morning.

Oh Dear

A good acquaintance died whilst I was away. Funeral was today and so I missed it. Terrible - they only found out it was cancer 5 weeks ago. Dreadful for his family and a big shock to have such an aggressive form of Cancer.

On the work front - today was great to get back into things - I was tired though. I managed to just about sort out my e-mail although I have a bit more still to do to really catch up.

I've got confirmation of my University Course. I need to plan things out now to cover that. I am giving up some of my more strenuous admin jobs next year thank goodness. In a way I was able to use them to help me through.

August and we have rain and gales! Oh to be back in the Azores :-)

I also now need to lose some weight too and so I am being careful on my diet and I will be ramping back some exercise. Of course, treatment looms in just a few weeks time to halt that but I want to be prepared and fit for December's operation. I'd like to come away from that and recover quicker because I am fit.

Back to Work

Tomorrow - not sure I want to go back though. I fancy a week off doing nothing. We did something every day on the Azores and whilst they aren't large I drove nearly very day somewhere or the other.

The nice thing was that I didn't think too much about anything to do with work, health or anything. It was nice to get away with the family.

The Azores are a great place to go. Get there before anyone else discovers them. they are as I imagine pre tourist Portugal was like, mixed with Madeira and a little bit of Iceland all thrown together.

Well - better get to bed and get ready for an early start tomorrow.

Back to Blighty

Wet and wild and cold :-)

Had a good time and one of the best holidays I have had in years. More later but back nicely tanned, relaxed and not sure that I am ready for work on Monday though.....

Last post for a while

Getting ready to go on holiday. Phew, do I need it. As I finished work yesterday I could feel the reverse thrusters and the brakes come on. Despite saying I have a job without the pressures of a commercial one, I think that you do put in a tremendous amount of effort to establish yourself and to make the right impression.

I was pleased to talk to a few other people down the week in the organization and they were saying what a difference I had made and how the place has a bit of a buzz now. I feel good about the work I've done and I have the guarantee of a job next year after my 1 year contract comes to an end and so I really ought to be more than happy that I have made the right impressions and secured the job.

Rest and relaxation are the next items on the agenda. We fly off this evening and I understand that the Azores are like Madeira but quieter. Well Madeira used to be quiet too - especially if you wandered around the island like we used to by bus and hire car and really get off the beaten track.

It appears that we are way out of the towns but near enough to reach civilisation in about 10 minutes. In one place we are in a house built of Lava rocks! Anyway, we are packed ( a bit of a first is that) and ready to go. We just have to sit around for the rest of the day waiting to go. Also we are trying to eat up all the food in the Fridge. I am quite looking forward to a Ham, Yoghurt, Salad and Fromage Frais sandwich :-)

Anyway, see you all soon, I do hope that I will be more relaxed and laid back on my return and that I can think a little less than I do now about life, the universe and all that!

Dreams and nightmares

I dream in colour and they are very vivid. Last night I had a very frightening dream, so real I could hardly believe it and this morning I was very carefully checking when I went to the toilet.

The dream was that I passed blood again, however that is how real it felt as it actually felt, when I woke up that it had actually happened. I know it can't have and everything is normal. Trapped away in the back of my mind is still the horror of seeing that happen and also, trapped away is the fear of it returning.

Thinking about myself

This holiday will be different from last years. Last year - a celebration that things were going in the right direction - lots of things to do - being organised (if you wanted to be) - excursions etc. This year, quiet, own car, self catering in the middle of nowhere, idyllic scenery and some time to reflect on the past few years, take stock, recharge the batteries, let go of things that need to be lost and grasp new opportunities ahead.

It is time to detox my mind too. So I hope that I'll be able to put much of what has happened behind me and move on after this.

Reflections and almost some tears

I was out with very good friend who had Prostate Cancer a few weeks before I had my diagnosis.

2 years tomorrow since I had the operation and I spent a long time with him reflecting on our journeys.

It is only when we got to the point of agreeing that we spent a lot of time assuring our own families that we were OK that the full impact of our journeys really struck home.

I had a thoughtful and very emotional journey home. I can't really explain what and why that should be. It was a retrospective I guess and a beginning of the realisation that I survived and an acknowledgement of the journey I had taken so far. In a way, I now feel as if I am beginning to fulfil some sort of destiny or get to "peace with myself". I really do have the right job at the right time and many people are now coming over to my way of thinking.

I go on holiday on Saturday - I am really looking forward to that. This time, I will be able to relax a bit more I hope. I need the break more than I probably realise.

How I hate

Commuting and all that goes with it. Really warm day, get to the station to come home - track side fire, signals not working, station heaving and tempers getting frayed.

I did no more than turn on my heels and went and did 2 hours work in the Institute of Directors (yes opposite NZ House) and came home later on an empty train that pulled out on time. They were still running trains all over the show though.

I shudder to think how we expect to be running the Olympic Games in 4 years from now given the state of our transport system. In 1888 it was state of the art and led the world. These day state of the ark may be more appropriate.

Oh and just to make us feel good about using public transport and playing the green ticket, the fares are going to go up double the rate of inflation (AGAIN) this year. Gee thanks. It was also a bit like rubbing salt in the wound that all the top railway men got there 6 figure bonuses yesterday.

You may have noticed that I never really lost this cynical streak..

A Good Day Today

I really motored on with my work today and got a load done. I am of course trying to get everything done before Friday - my last day - and so I have been winding up the workload. I felt a little hot on the train though as the temperatures begin to climb. It should hit 30 on Friday and I intend to be working at home that day.

BA History here I come

I signed off the documents and paid the fee today and so now I am on my way. What a stroke of luck though, one of the first aspects of study is Cezanne and I have the National and the Courtauld Galleries just 5 and 10 minutes away. Hopefully that will get me off to a good start.

I'd been dithering for a few days and wondering whether or not to do it but finally decided that I really need to get some goals lined up to keep me focused and to "do something with my life". Well kind of...

How could I forget?

21st July - the day I was diagnosed 2 years ago. Probably a good thing that I am not remembering anniversary dates! The 25th was the day I had the first operation!

And yet I had a good day

I'm tired - it is the story of my life these days but I enjoyed my day at work and I do work really hard but I love my job - it is so varied and today my double sided 1796 petition was hinged onto the wall and people are really impressed with it.

I managed to build a set of instructions and guidelines - update the web site, change the photographs, get some posters off and a few other things too. I was half asleep on the train on the way home though and I'm off to bed in a minute as I won't last too much longer.

So this feeling? What is it? Well, I am guessing it is just getting ready for the holiday, winding down, working very hard these past three months to "establish" myself at work. Happily, I've done that they have nigh on offered me a permanent role next April. That would be nice.

I hope that this holiday will see me rested and recharged for the next onslaught. Yet, I look back on how I was last holiday and the improvement is massive and so I really shouldn't be quite as critical as I am now.

The thing to bear in mind is that having something seriously wrong with you takes it out of you in more ways than one. When you finish fighting is when you feel fatigued and I don't want to "let my guard down". Things have gone so far in the right direction that I would be pretty upset if there were a set back. But let's face it, I haven't actually "had" cancer since this time last year! Even so, I've been having the treatment and being knocked out in the hospital and all that doesn't help. the treatment bangs you about a bit and as a very good friend tells me your hormone balance is blown all over the place and takes a very long time to settle down.

I'm certain this stuff isn't serious - but your mind likes to tell you that every little thing IS serious :-)

Oh well a good day and I have far more of these than bad ones these days. I just need to ease up, that's all.

Something not quite right

It seems a strange thing to say because, nothing has been quite the same for a couple of years and yet whilst I am complaining that I haven't recovered and that I am not really well, I can definitely say that something isn't right.

I can't tell what it is at the moment. Maybe I really need this holiday and time off? I just don't feel great. I have dragged myself up this morning and I'm just about to go and have a drink and my morning pills prior to going to work.

There is something niggling away that just says - you aren't right. However, blood tests are all OK and in reality I generally feel alright excepting the non stamina bit. I could do with losing a good few pounds which I am tackling now but that isn't it either.

I'll see how I feel once I have been at work today for a while.

Read the Signs

I tend to not be taking notice of what my body tells me. For example on Friday it was the staff summer party. I wasn't particularly thrashing back beers etc which had run out anyway quite soon but we on to a pub and after an hour or so, I managed to fall off my stool. Now luckily it was a small table stool and also that most people could see that I hadn't exactly been drinking but it was a shock that I had lost my balance. In reality, I had been trying to let someone get their bag from under the table and the stool didn't slide but tipped. However, I could do absolutely nothing about it. I decided to go home after that anyway but it struck me that losing my balance like that was how all this began about 2 1/2 years ago now as I fell over in the street. Again, no real boozing involved but just lost my footing. I'm still not reading these obvious signs of tiredness and really need to be taking it far easier. I intend to take things differently on return from holiday.

I was tired when I got home and yesterday. I'm fine today but I do need to be on the watch out for this. I think I am back to normal and actually, I haven't accepted that I am not. In my heart of hearts I know damn well that I am not anywhere near back to normal and yet I outwardly act that way. I tend to throw up a protective barrier around me and act out how I am but in reality it isn't sustainable as I really don't have the energy to pull it off for a week at a time.

Anyway, holiday soon and at least I will get some rest and relaxation. I was speaking to the boss and told him that I thought I had slightly overdone it in the first 3 months of the job. I think perhaps I have.

Fatigue

It appears to be something that I am getting towards the end of the week and it is controllable. I am feeling quite tired now at 10:30 at night and so that will do for today and I will go to bed. I'm not certain about taking some of these co-enzymes and things that have been recommended.

Good news from the Doctors is that blood tests are "satisfactory" which sounds to be Doc speak for OK.

An evening spoilt by

An incontinent fox that had crapped in my drive. Great - just what I needed to step in and bring into the house at this late hour - thanks to all you green anti hunt people in your city dwellings we have rats, foxes and a plague of wood pigeons, magpies and other unsavoury pests to live with.

Dog owners have to pick up the waste their dogs leave but after your legislation, you aren't coming around picking up the mess these vermin make nor tidying up the trash and bins they upset overnight nor the rats and other stuff now left loose to wander around our houses. As we aren't allowed a shotgun or anything else to keep the population down, things are just getting worse and the do gooders are happily tucked up safe in their city and town houses.

I think that is enough of a rant for the moment. It just really annoys me that I have a drive full of Fox shit when, frankly, two or more years ago you hardly saw foxes except in the woods! The country is goin to the foxes - or the dogs!

Insomnia - Again

It does annoy me when I feel tired, go to bed and then cannot sleep. I've been to a meeting this evening that was interesting but not anything to make my mind spin. I suppose with all the things that I am working on at work, that could be it but something somewhere is niggling away in the back of my mind and just not letting me sleep.

Perhaps hearing tonight some very bad news about someone I know, hearing that another friend who is also terminal is facing up to things and out and about and making the most of his last summer. Also another friend has had a recurrence of a Cancer that was not meant to come back. In fact he is one of only a handful that has bucked the trend. So that is three not good news bits in one day.

I met with a person who is 7 years into their BC regime and clear. Cystoscopy (poke and peek) in a few weeks time for him and fingers crossed that will be clear for him. He has been on the harder regime of BCG instillations and is nearing the end of that cycle - the one I thought I would have to have.

Anyway, wandered over to the office to have a moan :-) Sorry to burden you with this. At least I didn't wake you up to tell you that I couldn't sleep!!

Better

Again, a lot better today but working from home and no travelling tends to boost things. I suppose that I haven't actually commuted for close to 10 years. It makes a difference when you don't have to add a couple of hours on to your working day, every day.

I am looking after "A" who has had her Wisdom teeth out - she seems a lot better this morning which is good. Poor girl looks like a Hamster though - her face is swollen - which is no surprise.

It was OK today

Thank goodness - up OK, got to work listening to my Portuguese Linguaphone course! Work was good as I manged to drill the stuff I had missed last week and get that done, got home early so that the boss could pick up the pictures I had framed.

A was in Hospital today, bless her, having her Wisdom teeth out - thankfully just 2 not the 4. Poor girl looked whacked when she got home. Lots of sympathy from me, I see they cannula'd her left hand so I KNOW what that is like - not pleasant at all. She is feeling a little sick - not surprising as she has never had a General before. I am on duty tomorrow to make sure she is OK. At least she has had it done and she can enjoy her holiday soon and then off to Uni (we hope).

I feel fine this evening and I hope that this lasts into the week. I do find it particularly disturbing that I wasn't aware that I'd get the fatigue bit kicking in and I find that disruption of my plans is quite annoying. Anyhow, things are getting better - or at least they appear to be.

Give it another go

I will see how I get on this week. I haven't had the fatigue so much - slight insomnia which wasn't great but I hope that I can get up and get myself going and get to work in the morning.

I feel fine now - but I did this time last week too!

Routines or are they Ruts?

I was considering that things are now in a pattern and I've never liked patterns. It is funny that I now catch the same trains, know the best places to sit, know the quickest and most scenic routes to walk to work and tend to do roughly the same things day in day out. I read the paper and finish and fold it just as the train pulls out, I go to the same shop and buy a croissant in the morning etc.

I'm certain that this routine is in fact turning out to be a rut and something I am programing into myself and so, I think I must start to break that somehow by mixing things up a bit and doing things differently. I'm not sure quite what I will do but I need to think about breaking habits and routines and go off and do different things.

Time to get up off my behind and do something....

Defence Mechanisms and Coming to Terms with the Big C

I still firmly believe that once I had got over the first few months of disbelief, horror, terror, revulsion and upset that I went into a very interesting state. That included understanding all I could about my disease, its treatment, its various outcomes and my chances of getting out of it.

Frankly, my chances were pretty good once I had spent time understanding where it was all going and even if things had gotten worse, there was still a way forward that would have given me 5 or many more years.

The defense mechanism is to be brutally honest about what I had, tell anyone if they asked, tell people how I felt (even if I felt s**t) and to be confident, have a sense of humour about it and to approach it in that way. I've never looked at this seriously until now, afterwards as I have been taking it as it comes knowing I was on the roller coaster and that it would stop when it wanted to rather than when I wanted it to.

The end is in sight, the roller coaster is slowing down. Whether I am dizzy from the ride or from the expectation that it will soon be over I haven't thought yet but it just seems to me now, after having gone through most of the treatments and operations and tests that now I am slowly coming to terms with just how ill I was and just how much this has taken out of me. Clearly I am a lot better than I was a year ago and certainly 2 years ago. In fact I am probably healthier than I have been in 5 years in reality.

However, I look at myself now and I realise how much it has taken out of me these past few years. Putting up a fight and battling mentally and physically I think have really taken it out of me. As you can probably guess, the battle is constant, you don't get a weekend off and you keep your guard up and you work at many levels. Certainly one of the most peculiar things you have to do is to keep the spirits of your own family up and reassure friends and family that you are OK and that you are doing well and that you will improve and so on.

Once you get past all that life changes yet again and this weariness takes over. No doubt, it will pass, as all of these trials and tribulations have done these past few years. If anything, putting up a fight, putting up a defence mechanism are all parts of the beating of this disease. Coming to terms with it - well that is a different thing.

These days, you are more likely to survive Cancer. The advances are phenomenal and these are noticeable even in the past two years with bladder cancer and treatment regimes and also some of the cytology testing. It is becoming more like a serious disease that you can live with. Sure, it "ain't for sissies" thanks to an American cousin for that one :-) but it is treatable, you can continue to work (although I was lucky not to have to do too much travel etc). I actually think that had I been working full time, I may have been able to work my way through this a little better in a way as I would have had a different routine but - that wasn't my choice. I think what I am trying to get at is that is can be lived with these days and is just as treatable as some other serious diseases (heart attacks, liver or kidney problems etc).

So finally, coming to terms with the Big C. I haven't come to terms with it at all yet. It still hasn't really sunk in. Recent events tell me that I know I have had something seriously wrong with me and I know "what" it is. It just hasn't hit me in any strong way what that actually means or quite how I should react to it. I had all the emotional responses right at the beginning - I know that I am completely changed as a person now but the defence mechanism is still working and protecting me from the possibility that I may not have got the favourable diagnosis, operation results, effective treatment and recovery. Maybe because I did get everything favourable - I don't need to look at something that didn't or hasn't happened?

Back to the insomnia

So awake am I at almost 1 in the morning I thought I'd come into the office (at home) and type it up in the blog. This LINK is pretty good at summing up the fatigue problems. Now, I have the insomnia back. I'm now running through my head that I should have gone to work and done certain bits of work last week. I'm on some guilt trip about being ill again.

I'm not too serious about that last statement. I just mean that I am the sort of person who is concerned that I shouldn't be having days off and I don't normally - whatever "normal" may be these days. I remember writing a heart felt apology letter to the company I was working with when I was diagnosed as I hadn't long started with them and didn't want them to think that I joined knowing I had something like this. I'm like that - a strange sense of honour/duty I suppose.

Anyway, the holiday cannot come too soon I think. I need a break and to just give myself a couple of weeks without anything to worry or hinder me. This year, I won't have the same pressures as the past two years. Well in year one I was recovering from the operation and we had no holiday at all. Last year we were on the Cruise but I wasn't anywhere near as well as I am now and I was also under some pressure about reaching my targets. Not that, on reflection, it did any good reaching them anyway :-)

I really don't need this swinging between tiredness and wide wake. I really could do with getting back to normal again. I probably, more likely, need to perhaps now reflect on just how seriously ill I have been and realise that after fighting this for two years, I am bound to be tired or insomniatic sometimes :-)

Was OK I suppose

I had my blood pressure and it wasn't great but it was way down on last year and if you took 10 off it would have been fine which sort of sits with my normal reaction to going into a Doctors surgery. Then went and got my blood done - took 45 minutes waiting but got it done OK, so happy about that.

Got my hair cut - I told the hairdresser that I had been stopped by the health and safety people and my hair was a "trip hazard" She wasn't amused. Anyway - I did that and to celebrate - as I hadn't eaten, I went into the local pub and had a Black and Blue Burger (Burger, Bacon and Stilton cheese). Very nice too.

Back home and reasonably pleased with today. Did some more research on the fatigue problems and understand more about it now. I am hoping to sort something out about that.

Now looking forward to 2 weeks time when we fly off to the Azores for a Holiday - in fact I am almost getting excited about this as I can live out some of my childhood books on these small Islands and imagine Long John Silver and Robinson Crusoe :-) Anyway, at least I'll get a rest.

Tests Day

Blood Pressure followed by Blood itself. I have had to fast for a minimum of 10 hours - not difficult, just do that overnight. I'll be a little hungry by the time I get my test down but at least the queue will have gotten smaller by then, it is normally absolutely crazy first thing. This way I should only have to wait about 30 minutes or so.

These are tests for whether or not my blood pressure and cholesterol tablets are working (not that I needed thee latter - they just give Statins as a precaution these days). You can't tell whether things are better as so much else has gone on. My own blood readings tend to bear out the fact that overall my readings are lower although I'd like to see them lower than they are now they are still acceptable. I need to get back to being a lot fitter than I was though to do that. Spookily I haven't felt this well for years even after these recent fatigue bouts. I have a general feeling of "being better" and getting better as time goes on.

I feel fine this morning - slight fatigue but nowhere near as bad as yesterday's lethargy. I have today and the weekend to get myself back to normal and hopefully, I can get to work on Monday and do a full day without feeling tired.

Another day wiped out

I didn't get home until late on Wednesday evening and so much for cutting out the beer a friend of mine turned up and we had a few beers. However I wasn't really prepared for Thursday morning and in fact for the whole of Thursday as I was totally wiped out again. This fatigue thing is really getting concerning now as it is unlike me. I suppose I ought to be thinking about taking things easier and perhaps, I will just approach things differently after tomorrows tests - well today's actually.

I must have slept for about 15 hours today! I'm wide awake now of course when I should be asleep. i shall try and get back to a level of equilibrium.

I can't really explain quite how these periods of exhaustion are but I just didn't want to, and actually probably couldn't have done anything other than sit. Getting up to get a drink was almost too much. It was the height of laziness almost but every part of my body felt limp and tired and my brain couldn't fix on anything to do.

I hope that this goes away soon though as it is affecting the work I was planning on doing.

On the Wagon

That may be a UK colloqiualism but - it means no more alcohol until after Friday. I have my Blood Pressure and Blood Fasting tests on Friday morning and I'll be making sure I don't do a silly like last time :-)

I still don't fancy having my blood taken but needs must I suppose and I will have to get used to having a couple of these a year. I used to have one a decade before these troubles and even then not an armful! Thanks to Tony Hancock for that one :-)

Had a good evening out with my Nephew and an old school friend. A good evening and now to get ready for work tomorrow and see if I can stay the course this time :-) Poor old fella!

A Royal Day

I couldn't say much but we have been leading up to the Grand Opening today and I got into work in time to see some more of my pictures go up in the Exhibition area. I had been working with a small committee for the day but - of course, you can't say anything and most of the staff only knew yesterday.

It was very nice as HRH Duke of Kent - who is our Grand President came and opened the offices. we thought he would only shake hands with a few people but he shook hands with us all and had a chat to quite a few too. Luckily we managed to get back to work pretty quickly afterwards. A lot of preparation for about a 40 minute visit.

Back on the hot flushes again

I remember these and had the occasional one last week and the week before. Back now and it feels like I am sitting in a sauna.

This getting better malarkey is no joke, you get all the seasons in one day here, hot, cold, awake, sleepy. If I could think of a few more I could get to seven and make them sound like the Seven Dwarfs, but I can feel the headache coming on again together with the flush so I'm not going to bother.

This is just the most bizarre set of sensations. Don't do drugs, have Bladder Cancer! :-)

And then the Truck Reversed over me :-)

I got up at my normal 5:30 this morning and immediately felt that I wasn't right. I was so tired and this from someone who slept a lot on Saturday afternoon and slept in on Sunday and fell asleep a number of times yesterday.

It must be the aftershocks of the treatment and I imagine I had these before but as I wasn't working flat out, travelling everyday and able to work flexible hours, that I didn't notice them.

I feel OK now that I have had a further 5 hours rest but it is very noticeable how my mind and body just shuts down and when the episode is over I am back up and running again. Very strange.

I wouldn't mind but it was going to be a good day today at work and I've missed that. Oh well there is always tomorrow. The important thing is that getting well is more important than missing work for a day and anyway, I'll do some work this afternoon anyway at home as I can. Some people don't have that advantage.

Strange Day

Listless, felt very strange all day long and now I feel a lot better. I have no idea what all that was about at all.

We had an interesting day the British GP was won by Lewis Hamilton which was good, Wimbledon was a thriller and we were trying to sort out our holiday which may finally be settled as long as the Travel Agent answers the questions we have correctly.

Trouble is that two of us like sun and lying around doing nothing, the other two fry in anything much over the mid 20 degrees Centigrade (about 70 F in old money). So the Mediterranean is out and no matter how hard I try getting them over to the US is not an option - I may have tried Canada but not for just two weeks. A real pain as we have to be back for results and youngest doesn't finish school until late and so we have a three week window to fit two weeks holiday in!

So we may well end up in the Azores - I fancied Cape Verde but with only a few weeks notice we cant quote get the package that I wanted.

I have to miss out later this year on going to Spa in Belgium for the Belgian Grand Prix as I wouldn't get back in time to have my 2nd BCG of the last round of treatment. I know where I'd rather have been :-)

Anyway, I'm a lot better and ready to go to work tomorrow which at one time I was contemplating not going in. I'll see how I am in the morning but I should be OK.

Writing this I have just broken out into a sweat again, which happens occasionally after BCG treatments and so perhaps it is ongoing reactions to that.

Getting hit by a truck

Well - I haven't been ill for two years (colds, flu, not even much of a sniffle). Yesterday I got progressively more tired and listless and struggled to stay awake much and kept dropping off in my chair. I didn't eat last night and took myself off to bed.

I think that it is exhaustion - I slept for 12 hours and I still don't feel "right". I couldn't say what it is, just a general malaise.

I am pretty much convinced that it is the increase in my activity and my body not really being fit enough to cope with it. I will have a lazy day today and then see how I get on. I must eat something even though I don't feel like I want to.

Another good site to help us Bladder Cancer Warriors

Try this site which has some great pictures and a lovely "off the wall" sense of humour (or should that be humor) to cheer up and chase away those cancer blues.

http://gotbladdercancer.blogspot.com/

The journey has its ups and downs but you need to see the funny side in it as well and to keep your spirits up.

Someone asked me at work why I was always happy and that they have never seen me moody or upset or angry. The answer is easy - I'm alive! I'm getting better! I didn't think I was going to be here 2 years ago! The answer is that everything has a positive and adding that to the previous three statements makes for being happy and communicating that to everyone you meet.

Having a job that I thoroughly enjoy, people who are a joy to work with, whose idea of a deadline and pressure are far removed from my experience of what those particular words mean also makes it interesting and for me to be happy too.

My Birthday

I was out last night with some friends. Oysters and a nice Lebanese Red Wine to wash them down, a Turkish restaurant and then home. I could have done with out the Turkish Chili sauce.

A nice evening, I'm up early but not sure if I will feel able to continue to work a whole day. I managed that (and a bit more) yesterday. It was a long old day and a committee meeting in the afternoon dragged on far too long.

So after 2 years? I'm alright now and having turned the corner don't think much about BC apart from this blog and some of the times I get tired or have to have some tests, treatments or other stuff done.

I think that setting some targets to achieve has got to be the way forward now as I'd hate to get over this, do nothing and letting my guard down somehow get a recurrence. Moving on is what is needed and I fully intend to do that.

And yet

When I want to get to bed I am wide awake - it is like some crazy reverse jet lag. I know in the morning I will feel rubbish and yet now, when I should be asleep, I am wide awake.

Doh!

Fatigue

I can understand how combat soldiers coming back from battle could sleep for days. I can really feel for anyone who has chronic fatigue syndrome as I am really struggling. I have hours when I work like a demon and the times when I just can't get going. If I have to hit a deadline tat is OK. Immediately afterwards, I am wiped out, half falling asleep.

I get on the train and I am out like a light and at home I can sit in my chair and almost pass out, so sudden is the descent into sleep.

It is quite common in Chemo, Radio and Immunotherapy. I also think that it is the "general relief" after having spent close to 2 years "combating" this, I suppose you let your guard down a bit and take your foot of the gas and then the relief is this utter fatigue.

I spent most of the time, last treatments, at home and so worked around these by getting up late or cat napping or working when it suited me. Having a more 9 to 5 job really knocks it out of me.

2 Years to the day (and almost the hour!)

Since I got the first real and massively visible signs that something was far from right.

I remember thinking to myself that it had to be more than having strained myself or "done myself a mischief!"

I'd arrived at a Hotel after a 4 hour drive and went early as it was the World Cup football and as we were playing I managed to drive on almost empty roads. I had stopped and there hadn't been a problem at the roadside services.

I got into my bedroom and went to the toilet and urinated what can only be called Red Wine. It didn't stop there either and for the rest of the day I carried on and the day after - I decided enough was enough and phoned home and got a Doctor's appointment. In hindsight, walking into town and buying a pack of cigars and smoking wasn't the best idea I have ever had but it calmed things down considerably.

Of course, once I knew what it was and that it was smoking related - you can bet that I haven't touched a cigar since. Although the other day I looked at one in the pub and thought, do you know what? But I know a LOT better than that.

So two years. Amazing - it does and doesn't seem that long. I can calculate that it is though.

Like flicking a switch

I've noticed that I am having some really good days and then some very poor ones in terms of fatigue. Today - I was falling asleep at the desk and came home early. Yesterday, I was going like a train all day long and well in to the evening - a long story but had to hang around waiting to get home...

I feel wiped out today. I shall get to bed early and see what tomorrow brings.