Monday, September 15, 2008

Mixed Feelings

Now that the last treatment is here I am daring to look beyond where I am today and on towards the next stage of my life.

The ups and downs so far though are:

  • You change - those around you don't.
  • FUD - Fear Uncertainty, Doubt - will it come back, collateral damage (to relationships).
  • Physically less active and loss of stamina (probably short term).
  • Mentally - stronger in some areas (tolerance to pain/procedures).
  • Mentally - weaker in some areas (emotions shot to ribbons especially when sad things are on. Empathise with people more).
  • Mentally - Assertiveness - much more judgemental, quick to retort and shoot those down who show little mindedness and selfishness - not always my best side or most likable I have to say.
  • I thought I had the best job in the world when I was diagnosed, in fact I have the best job in the world now.
  • I've lost a lot of my organisational and well planned skills - I am not the logical, planner and person on top of everything I was 2 years ago. Now it is a little too chaotic for me.
  • Only I want to do things I want to do. I am completely out of tune with those around me.
  • I am much more "laid back" at work and they say that nothing is ever a problem to me. Well it isn't. "How hard can things really be?" I just remind myself of what I have been through and there isn't much can be worse apart from something more serious of course.
  • Writing it down is good for you - even if it isn't always the 100% of what you feel or even if you tone the language back a bit.

So much has changed in 26 months that I can hardly believe it. This blog will be 2 years old soon. Whether there is some greater plan at work, I know not. I do have a nagging worry that this isn't the end of things - I suppose we all do. The risk of recurrence is always there unless you have surgery and there is the bottom line for me when I think about it. It was still caught early enough to treat it, sure I had some surgery but not a removal of the bladder which would have still arrived at the same result. You don't have cancer.

What nags away is that I may be more susceptible to other cancers and yet, I am physically fit (despite the obvious limitations of my treatment and fatigue problems), I am mentally tough, I don't have colds or other problems with my health - this is the first real problem I have had in 30 years.

The last treatment? It sure is and it lessens the possibilities of anything nasty happening with that. It can be pretty deadly if this goes wrong. I will not miss the whole experience - it wasn't high up on the things I want to do before I die list anyway. I will not miss the side effects which, either I am getting used to or they lessen as there isn't anything to react to inside my bladder. Certainly, the first tow lots of treatment I ever had were really doing their thing. These days, rough as it is, there isn't anywhere near the pain, debris and side effects as there used to be. I hope that is the case today but who knows it might sign off with a bang :-)

Strange feelings, I won't miss it but at least the bathroom will stop smelling like a swimming pool on a Monday evening.

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