The Stigma Of Divorce

It appears to me that Mrs. F. feels that there is some sort of "Failure" on her part for the predicament that we are in now and that it is somehow shameful or a failure or some other such heinous crime that she can't tell anyone.  Really?  I mean do people still judge it like that.  In these days of living together and children out of wedlock I'd be surprised if anyone looked upon it as anything other than what it is.  It's sad and regrettable but surely, if you can't actually live together then why go on pretending that you can to give the appearance and to pander to some one else's opinion.  In my mind that's just plain wrong and surely we can get away from worrying about what other people feel about it?  

I remember a time where it was all said in hushed tones about someone being divorced and it was almost always associated with infidelity and spoken of accusingly.  In my own lifetime these opinions and ideas have changed completely.  

I've got a feeling that I may not be the best person to discuss it with either because I just see it for what it is and it's time to move on.  I can see I've upset everyone in my family because I've turned their world upside down but I have to measure it against my own sanity and my own life.  There was no way I could have tried any harder to change things nor could I get anyone to change with me either.  That's the tragedy if you like.  The warning signs were there for a long time and I'd tried all sorts of ways to make those changes and do something about it.  I'd even prepared myself to make us work together (job wise) so that we could get closer or have a common interest.

Oh well, it wasn't to be and time to move on and in many ways, moving out of here will settle things down a bit I expect.  I am not sure if the girls will want to see me or not?  That too will be something that I expect will evolve a bit.  It feels like they are on their mum's side and I'm OK with that because frankly, she needs as much support as can be given to her.  I'm not particularly worried about that in the short term, I just hope that somewhere along the line we can meet up for a coffee or lunch or dinner or something when they are over.

A lot will change after a short while I am certain of that.  I can see that the dynamics need to move on.  It's a bit like I was on the phone to my mum and she said where was everyone and I said I didn't actually know, they were out.  Of course, I've hardly ever known where everyone is for years and it started to hit home to me that it has always been like this or has for a good while.  No one talks to me or tells me anything - it all comes as a big surprise to me.  Another reason I did put to Mrs. F. about why I was going, there are more like that.  I don't know why I beat myself up about it really.  

This week should see some positive moves anyway as we get to look seriously at some places and then go back and see if any progress is made on the property that looked like a bomb had hit it.  I hope that they may have done the right level of work on it so that we can say yes and get in ASAP.  The sooner the better in both our cases really.  I'd like to start moving stuff over and get in over the course of a few days and do a number of runs with my stuff to gradually get myself eased in.  As Mrs. F. is out during the day it makes it easier for me to come and go Monday to Friday.  I now need the impetus to get cracking with the business - it is taking longer than I wanted but in reality, I will just be a month or so later than I expected and I have time and inclination to get working and sorting stuff out.  

Declaration of Independence

I wonder if I ought to set out a Declaration of Independence or a Bill of Rights to put me on the right road to my Independence? :-)

We already uphold the 5th Amendment in the house anyway. LOL.

But seriously I was thinking along the lines of making sure I enjoy myself and get out and about.  I was having a series of dreams about actually getting out of the house and "doing something".  It's all too easy to be sat inside and do nothing and it would cost very little to get out and go for a walk around my local area here.  It's one of the best things - I have so many choices of walks and all within a few minutes.  I think I shall try and make sure that I do actually get out and about again like I did in the Summer of 2013.  The fresh air and just getting out of the house being the thing.

It depends on where we eventually end up too I suppose.  If it is the place we are asking them to negotiate for us then I think there should be some footpaths and walks around there too.  It's only 5 minutes from here by car so I can always head back and park up and go for a walk.  It isn't going to be that difficult.

I find myself looking forward to getting out of here and on a miserable day like today to be getting on with something even if it is the household chores.  I don't want to be working all the time, although I will have to put quite a bit of effort in at the beginning to build the business.  

I'm transitioning over the financials to my control - it's having a few interesting moments as I go through and change standing orders and direct debits, credit and debit cards etc.  All good fun.  There'll be loads of silly things I'll need to sort out like licences and vehicle registration, voting forms and so on.  Luckily some of these can be achieved on-line but my driving licence that I have managed to go without changing for 20 or more years now needs to be one of these new fangled EU type credit card ones - nightmare - another money spinner as you have to update it (like your passport) every 10 years and if you don't they fine you.  This country lives on sodding fines - they don't reward you for doing something but they are happy to wield a big stick in the other direction.  Bunch of faceless bureaucrats :-)

So - it's a boring Sunday, quiet at the moment but yet another storm coming in to add to the gales and rain we've had for about a month now I suppose.  I should be getting on with some accounts but my heart really isn't in it and I think it will be much better to target doing that tomorrow.  I know I have the whole day to do it with no one around to distract me.  Not that I get interrupted except by the imposed silences in the house.  :-)

Oh well - another quiet night in

It's like a game of Risk in some ways.  I came down from the office around 5 pm I wanted to watch the Ski Jumping (4 hills) and sat down watched that and a bit of the Luge World Cup, cooked some dinner and obviously I'd claimed the Living Room for I was undisturbed all night.  The place was quiet by 09:30 and the lights were out so just me then!  :-)

It's a funny old place here and the sooner I get out the happier I'll be because this is no life at all at the moment.  I'd like to go do some work on the business but my head isn't clear enough.  I make lots of notes and jot down ideas but only sporadically.  I note that I stay up late as well and it isn't helping.  I'll fall into bed again close to 2 am but I really should have been in bed before midnight.

I see the GP wants me to have a blood test and go see them.  I always used to have my test just before Christmas as it is the only time when you can actually get it done I find.  I shall see what sort it is - if it isn't fasting then I might go and do it but the fasting one is a farce and you can sit there for 2 or 3 hours and not get done.  They also want a review - that's OK but I'm already going there next week so I'll sort that out afterwards. I have 6 to 8 weeks to do that.  Actually it might be better to move it out a bit as I should be far calmer when I go.

I suppose we all have to deal with situations in our own way.  I was chatting to the Estate Agent who asked what the situation was like and she said she could have popped over to the house but I said that my wife was in and it was probably a good idea that I went to see her rather than she come around to my house.  Interesting - she saw the Jag and said "I knew you were rich".  What a funny thing to say!  The only thing I'm rich in and soon will be free to revel in that, is in life and in my friends.  Whilst I'd like the idea of having some more money - the bottom line is that I really want to live in a nice place and be happy.  That would be great.  I have enough money to be happy, I guess I could work on early retirement too if I wanted but still the bottom line is that as long as you are happy and comfortable, have good health and can feed yourself then your going to be OK.  Good old Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs.

The key to this is to work from the bottom upwards.  You need to have the bottom layer in place before you can build on that with the next one and so on.   You can see that in many ways Mrs. F. and I may well have the bottom part of the Pyramid but safety isn't there and neither are the others built on that.  Here lies Mrs. F.'s problem in that all of the top 4 have been ripped away.  For me I realise that I can rebuild this once I've moved our and on from where I am.  I can rebuild the safety side and then start to work on the others.  It's not all as easy as this but you can see how things can feel utterly desperate when at one time you had everything and now you know that all of that has, or will soon be, gone.

Minutiae

We aren't selling this house - not as far as I know and I own half of it :-) but it is funny how I'm being asked about things in the garage - like the Piano - OK it has been lying around for close to 2 years and for a year in the garage.  Also the Easter Egg Hunt stuff.  So I asked if they needed to be moved - I mean why ask as they are stored where they have been for ages and it's just a nonsense until, that is, we come to sell the place when I can then decide what to do.

It's funny this attention to the detail without getting to the bigger picture.  Surely the overall thing needs to be decided yet - I can't believe that here are around 6 months in and half her family still don't know :-) 

We are at least progressing on the house now and have some more to go and see.  A couple have gone already - I guess it is a New Year and lots of stuff kicks off again.  We have three more to view this week and "discussions" are being opened on the other place we saw.  Having done a bit of homework, we've sent the Estate Agent off to sort things out.  Of course it isn't in their interests to get a lesser value but - honestly - the place was a mess.  Just a day or so making it look nice would have been good and would probably have resulted in a deal being struck.

An interesting week coming up - I must sit down and do the accounts and subscriptions for the Lodge and get those sorted out.

The Silence Of The House

It's bizarre how silent this place was this morning.  Mrs. F had got up and gone to work but switched off the lights.  L is away and A was lying in so it was pitch black and so quiet when I woke up this morning.  At least I got up and was breakfasted and ready to meet Flocky for Coffee.  The sun came up brightly and it was a beautiful morning.  Now it is lashing with rain once again.  

The lack of communication may be the way that people are dealing with the situation at the moment.  I try my hardest not to be changed by it all.  It is though a deafening silence and whether it is just ignorance or deafness (I still thinks Mrs. F. has a hearing problem she need to sort out) it is just another barrier and another timely reminder that, if I am honest and level with myself, it always like this.  No one told me what they were doing until the last second.  Everyone wanted something done "NOW" and I'd be the bad guy if I didn't drop whatever I was doing and fulfil said task or deed.  "Don't bother!" would be bandied around if I were just a few milliseconds too late in picking up the gauntlet.  

Any regrets that I have - and I do have some, bound to have, are pushed to the background as I see now that I just lived through this and put up with it and I no longer need to.  I suppose we will eventually get around to talking again.   I can understand the hurt and the angst and sadness but I suppose I'm so used to having to repair and arbitrate big problems when I used to do that sort of thing that as a living.  Not so easy when it is personal I guess.

So there you go - things are still in never never land state at the moment.  I know that it won't be long though and that once out of here I can just cut loose and get things going.  At the moment it's difficult to concentrate on what I need to do, it just feels like there's a oppressive atmosphere, a huge black cloud hovering over the place.  

Shocking Programme on TV Last Night - Diet Yo-Yo

I feel it is truly shocking that there are people out there who fully believe they are eating a "balanced" diet, calorie counting, getting their 5 a day and as a result are getting fatter and fatter and they can't understand why.  This programme showed a number of women who throughout their whole lives had yo-yo'd between weights.  The diets they had been on and he fads and the massive weight losses and regains.

It then went on about the inverted food pyramid we see these days and there are all these people basing their diets on carbs and fruit.  Some were juicing huge quantities of fruit and that nearly finished me off when I went down that route.  Some were exercising but once again it was this myth that by reducing calories you can somehow lose weight when clearly a calorie isn't a calorie (you need to read Protein Power, Gary Taubes, The DIet Doctor or The Insulin Factor).  

It was heart rending to see these women doing crazy things to try and get thin and for some, the mental anguish was palpable.  There's merit in many things but an Occam's Razor approach to the problem would surely provide some sort of clue here.  Before the 1970s, you rarely saw an obese person, I think the rates were 1% or 2%.  Then, to support the Corn Farmers of the US a new dietary pyramid was produced that shows carbohydrates making up the base of the pyramid with protein at the tip.  It all looks rational and sensible as it has been "sold" to us as being good for us.  Since that time, with everyone changing their diet, obesity and diabetes have soared and it's costing us our health and straining our medical system.  It doesn't seem to be straining the drug and food companies.  Just saying :-)

The hidden sugar in drinks which is pretty much artificial and unbelievably high in quantity is also present in many forms in day to day foods.  Watch out for Dextrose, Fructose and Glucose all in the ingredients even of pickles and mustard.  This stuff is addictive and of course leads to most of the diseases and conditions we see rife today.

I like the fact that there were no dieticians, cardiologist, personal fitness trainers and many other new professions back in the day, mainly because they weren't needed.  Rarely did people die from heart disease, rarely did people become fat, not even in old age.  It's all a bit strange that all of a sudden obesity and diabetes, heart disease, dementia and the like are now at 'epidemic' levels (not sure if that is true - the papers say so - and I've no figures to go on).

Is it me or are there vested interests out there that want us to be dependent on the drug and food companies?  It's amazing that breakfast cereal has big green ticks on it saying it's good for your heart?  Really!!!  No I mean really?  It's a box full of carbohydrates FFS and some of the levels of sugar in them are also atrocious especially kids stuff and we are told it is good for us.

Seeing all these sad ladies who just couldn't shake down their weight was tragic and I was constantly shaking my head whilst listening to the same old nonsense pumped out by slimming clubs and organisations - you can't get slim on cakes and chocolate.  You can't get slim on grains and fruit - period - it will never happen.  Most of these end up starving you, you end up losing muscle mass (not fat) and you forever feel hungry.  I've lost 3 1/2 stone - have hardly ever felt hungry and gained muscle but lost fat - go figure.

I wonder whether this will end up like the Tobacco industry with damages being awarded to people because of the addictive ingredients used in processed foods?  Who knows?

Urgh - It's Late AGAIN

Whoops - out tomorrow earlish so need to make sure I get up.  Plenty of weather going on outside with the 4th or 5th Gale of the last few weeks.  People have short memories, I'm certain that the UK was known for being a windy and blustery place - sure I read that in some history book somewhere.

Any how - I missed that I was watching a +1 channel and instead of the film finishing at around 12:30 it finished at 1:30!  I've been sat down working through my finances and sorting out what needs to be done and by when - the logistics of it all are pretty complex as I need certain things in place to set things up but I'm being pressured to go down another route that I'm not entirely happy with.  Plus I've got to start transferring Direct Debits to my new bank account and that's fraught with danger too at the moment - I need to get my credit cards sorted too.  If it's anything like one of the banks I've been dealing with for years who I've found out today are still sending one of the account details to the old Treasurer of 5 or 6 years ago.  I've only written to them 3 times to have it changed and I feel a call coming on but of course, once I move I need all the addresses changed anyway!  

Logistical fun - not.  As I won't have a phone that will work on premium phone numbers it should be a great deal of fun contacting these people.  

Suppose I'd better get to bed - I need some sleep - one of those days tomorrow - early coffee followed by an evening committee meeting - if I can get the cars moved around the drive so I can move my poor old Jag which has sat half on the grass for the past 2 or 3 weeks!

Housing - Fun

It looks as if the place we saw on New Year's Eve may get a quick brush up and tidy down for us to go back and see it especially after it has warmed up and the bathroom and kitchen attended to.  Flocky and I aren't averse to getting stuck in and cleaning the place up a bit but the previous tenants had left the place in a pretty shabby state.  

So we've dropped a note to the Estate Agent and will have to hear back in due course.  It's a great size and a good location but so awfully dirty and cold and damp- let's hope he can get it fixed.  It's in his interest to get it sorted.

Somehow it all seems to be exciting and interesting...

Disturbed Night Sleep

I was up and down every few hours it seemed last night.  I guess it was brain in overdrive again and I recollect waking dreams about odd things like room and office and space (amount of in new house).

I finally must have got off around 4 but had a rude awakening with the phone ringing and Mrs. F. telling me that something was wrong with the car and to let A know who she couldn't get in touch with so I'm up, awake and fed already.  A has had her boyfriend drive her to her lesson so that's good.  The alarm is actually only to do with the ignition key battery!  :-)  But a flat tyre isn't great either - don't people check these things before you need to do something?  Maybe not.

I can only think that Mrs. F has gone to work, if so yippee!  A day at home without having to feel like something someone stepped in :-)  I have a few minor chores to attend to and then perhaps I can get on with some actual work.  It is strange how good I feel knowing that she may not be home for another 10 hours!  

Right - off to work - no need to worry about paths crossing for a while.

UPDATE:  These modern cars - it was warning that the battery in the key fob was running low - NO honestly :-) Clever but alarming too.  Think they've just fixed the tyre too.

Grinning and Bearing It

Soon be over I keep telling myself, it will soon be over and I can get on and mostly importantly move on.  I just don't feel able to do that at the moment.  It's the atmosphere and I find it oppressive because whilst I am quite used to be being ignored - at the moment the old silent treatment is pretty galling and the surprises - say goodbye to L she's back off to Cambridge - 2 or 3 days earlier than I was expecting - Oh OK :-) Bye...

The ins and outs the not knowing who is doing what is just marginalising me and I guess that's to be expected but it isn't particularly nice and neither is it helpful in trying to be just a little bit civilised.  I for my part do not bite at it too much unless I feel like making a bit of a point.  It's mainly that when I ask some question I get an answer that has nothing to do with the question I've asked or is designed to be obfuscating in some way.  Never mind, it will be all over soon and in many ways it can't come too fast.  It will give january some focus and allow me to try and spend my days concentrating on my business and on building it as soon as possible.  In many ways I'm going to be a month or two behind where I thought I'd be but that's the way it is and I can't do anything about that.

For some irrational reason thoughts have turned to being on my own, I say irrational but I did "feel" it last night at the pub and I knew some people but none of the people I know as regulars were there, none of the regular bar staff were on and so it was a little lonelier than I was expecting and it probably got me thinking and the brain giving it large about being on your own and all that.  I should know from 2013 that this isn't actually true and that I don't necessarily need to worry about it.  I suppose it's just one of the sweep of emotions that you are bound to get.

I don't doubt that I've made the right decision though and that's good.  I know that it would be easy to call it all off and say let's start again but that isn't going to happen, for my own sanity it cannot.  

So the beginning of 2014 and it's a thoughtful and yet unproductive start.  I think perhaps it might be worthwhile tomorrow to just start lining up the ducks (so to speak) bringing together the stuff I want to take with me and working out some basic logistics on that.  There are lots of things I could take but if I am going to be moving again in 6 months then perhaps I'd better consider leaving them here - like my Piano and some of my books.  At least it will give me something to focus on for a while.

Slow Start To 2014

With waking up in the middle of the night and then slowly controlling my breathing and then falling back to sleep I didn't get out of my pit until gone 11 this morning and so starts 2014.  It's been an interesting 2013 but 2014 holds some exciting times too I think.  Not least of which will be setting up my business - I am looking forward to that and to re-arranging my life and working out what I want to do.

I actually feel like I'd like to drop all my responsibilities and just do nothing for a while - it's not possible but it would be good.  Wave my magic wand and sort everything out would be good but that won't happen either.  If I could though - it would solve a load of little problems all around :-)

So onward into 2014.  I was surprised that I managed to spend so long in the pub on my own yesterday - I did notice that in doing that I drank quicker!  So I tempered that down - often I sit down in a pub when on my own with a book or notebook, newspaper or something like that.  So one thing that I did notice was that being on your own is a bit difficult - I may have been better off staying inside although I did meet and have a laugh with the local Vicar and her husband and a friend of theirs.  Plus the Landlord runs a printing business that might be useful to add as an extra to mine - he prints T-Shirts and the like from photos.

I should be able to promote my business although I see the Pharmacy is promoting one of the larger Video to DVD processing businesses in the country as an in-house service - they are double the price I can do it for so perhaps not a great worry other than the footfall through the Chemist. I feel that leafleting in this area may be the way to go then :-) 

I think I'll just take a slow day for the rest of it ...

Whoa What Was That All About

Woke up with a massive start at about 3:30.  Almost felt like a panic attack but wasn't.  Felt hot and breathless but soon sorted that.  It's not that I had a lot of beer - I didn't and I ate before and after.  I had to get dressed go and stand outside and felt really tearful and really quite shaky and emotional for a very few moments.  Got a grip, came into my office and feel relatively normal.   

I have no idea what that was about - I'm just composing myself to go back to bed.  I feel quite strange.  It was like there was something that just woke me up and made me wake up like coming out of a bad dream.  Strange indeed.

Maybe it's thinking about my new year?  

Could Not Hold Out To Midnight

Back home - about 11 as I ran out of companions at the pub.  Can understand what loneliness must be like.  Hooked up with a nice group and had a good chat and then they left for another venue and was on my own amongst groups of others in the pub and had one more drink and thought - do you know what?  Just go home and grab a sandwich and end 2013.

There's just over half an hour of the year to go - I know it is just a date but we can pin things to dates, anniversaries, birthdays, death days, holy days and so on.  New Year's Day - well hell why not?

To me it's been an education.  I needed to go and do that, to get out and to feel lonely so that I don't get complacent and so that I understand the ground rules.  This is the first time I have ever been on my own on New Year's Eve - I hated it, really hated it.  Lesson learnt but I knew that before I went.  There was opportunity but it is not in my nature to be proactive in making things happen.  However - I did meet some nice people tonight and that's good.  It did me good to realise that I can socialise and - would you believe it - I met someone who I could partner with as he runs a printing business!  Life has some mysterious twists and turns.

Just awaiting the bombardment of SMS messages in the next half an hour - it will make me feel as if someone it thinking of me - even if they are sending it blind to all their contacts!  :-) 

A Happy 2014 to you all - things can only get better from here on in.....

How Do People Live Like That?

I often wonder how people live the way they do.  We went to see the house we were thinking of renting and the tenants moved out on Saturday and the place was a mess.  The kitchen and bathroom were not good, things were missing or broken, smoke alarm battery low signals going off.  There was a leak in the ceiling - surely not something that has gone unnoticed or untended - or has it?

It was a thoroughly unloved and uncared for house and both Flocky and I were totally underwhelmed.  I remember moving into my first house and it being disgusting needing a scrub from top to bottom just to move in and this place was cold and damp and half finished like some half finished project.  We are reserving judgement on it for sure.

I've written our "opinions" to the Estate Agent and we will see what they think come the New Year.  I've a feeling she wasn't impressed either - there's nothing like a dirty bathroom to put you off or a leaking roof or a greasy kitchen cooker :-) 

It is always nice to catch up with Flocky - he's good fun and we are each off now to sort out our own New Year's Eve arrangements.  I'm half looking forward to going out this evening - I wonder quite what I'll find and quite what I will do for 4 hours or so but I shall go along and I can always come back if I don't like it.  Maybe I'll meet some fun people - I do hope so.  Don't want to  look too much like "Billy No Mates".

I'm not sure what Mrs. F. is doing - I didn't ask her - perhaps I should out of courtesy - it would be too much for us to be together this evening - I'm not sure either of us wants or indeed needs that - I imagine she probably hates my guts at the moment and so it would not be good.

Letting Go Of 2013

Well, here we are, New Year's Eve 2013.  I'm up early as I want to get to the Post Office and sort out money and paying in, eBay posting, then see Flocky for Coffee before we head on up to see the house.

Last night Mrs. F. and I did some transferring of funds between our accounts which means that at least I can pay the deposit on the house and buy some of the equipment for the business.  It felt both sad and strange doing that but it is part of this realisation that things ARE changing and let's hope for the better in 2014.

I had the most strange evening, I was about to settle down in front of the TV but L and her boyfriend were going to watch a Blu-Ray disk and had the TV set up for that so I came upstairs and ended up chatting to a lady I know who is working tonight and we ended up chatting for about 3 or 4 hours by the time we had realised.  We are good buddies and we were just having a bit of fun and a few laughs.  

As I finished that conversation an even more "interesting" one struck up and my (spirit guide) friend came on line.  That was both interesting and a little disturbing as we hadn't actually had a little chat for quite a while and it was pretty much a full on chat like we used to have.  We wished each other well in 2014 and with the promise of a much longer chat and a meet for a coffee that finished.  It's interesting because I'd just resigned myself to not having further chats and not having any further meetings.  One more of those things that happens for a reason or in a plan you don't know about and can never predict.

How strange and wonderful life can be.  I like the phrase "when one door closes, another one opens but sometimes we are staring so wistfully (not sure if that is the right word) at the shut door we do not see the other open one"  how true that too can be.  I pondered whether I'd look back at that on my marriage or indeed on my meeting in the summer.  Luckily I think I have the sort of personality and the sort of mind that allows me, once I've got over the shock, to move on and go forwards.  I certainly no longer look back and punish myself for the past anymore.

My mum says that the last 8 years have been pretty awful starting with me and my cancer and ending with this current state of affairs.  I kind of think that those 8 years could have been played differently and that had I realised that it was multiple things holding me back I would have been able to make changes a lot sooner had I grasped the opportunities earlier but of course I hadn't identified them at that time.

I see some of the things I did as being "cries for help" or distractions to help me cope with things not that I'd decry the work I did for the Charity nor for Doddle, both of which have the highest value in terms of altruism and intellectual effort.  I suppose you shouldn't feel righteous in doing good things but I do.  

2013 certainly was a major year for me in so many ways.  I once again had my mind refocussed on cancer.  It was the first year without my dad around but that was OK, not as bad as I felt it might have been and in fact I see it in different terms anyway now (death that is).  I see things in a completely different way, I no longer want to be "in" the rat race and will be happy from now on to live.  By that I mean I need to do what I can do, as best as I can do it and learn to live within that.  I have given up all the dreams and visions of being rich or wealthy and feel comfortable that what I have is all that I need to live on.  It isn't a rush to the finish post with the most toys.  As I laugh with some of my friends "He who dies with the most toys is, still however, dead!" and that's about it now.

Gone is all the hatred and anger at all those who did me wrong in the past.  Let them live with it.  Gone the worry and concern about getting to the top of the tree, being the best at what I did and playing the infantile games of corporate life.  In many ways too, gone are the ambitions for preferment in Masonry and all of that sort of worrying that goes alongside it.  The petty bigotry and shallow jealousy aren't part of that movement and it stands for far higher things than some people seem to think and aspire to - they've lost the very essence of the fraternity they joined.  

I think it was Dale Carnegie who "stopped worrying and learnt to live" and it's just that, surely?  Get out there, enjoy your life, be good, be peaceful, be nice to others, smile and be happy.  Sure it isn't always possible, sometimes it's going to be painful and life is going to suck but you can get past it and move on with what you've got left.  I'd have to say that this divorce (well separation at the moment) is pretty hard stuff to deal with, it's sad and it brings a level of misery that you can't explain. They say it is as traumatic as moving house - lucky I'm doing both of those things at once then :-)  It's letting go of the hurt, accepting that it has happened but moving on.

I'll leave you with this message from Eckhart Tolle which arrived in my inbox yesterday.  I like the idea of getting a weekly message (you can subscribe on his web site) to just kick you back into line.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”


--- Eckhart Tolle


A Happy New Year to you all.  2014 is going to be a great year for me, I can feel it in my bones.  Whatever comes my way, comes my way and I'll just have to deal with it.  Let's see what that may be.  The main thing is to embrace it and enjoy it.

That's Another Thing That's Must Be Playing On My Mind

That is the fact that this year, for the first time ever, in my whole life, I will not be with family or friends on New Year's Eve.  That was a shock to my system and in some ways it brought me up short.  I recollect when Mrs. F. and I had our first house we always had a New Year's Eve fancy dress party and played cricket on the green opposite our house at just gone midnight.  We had some crazy parties.  Then we gradually stopped and the last party I recollect was a Millenium party with a few friends.  Of course that's 12 or 13 years ago (I cannot remember whether we had it over the real millenium of not now).

So a first for me - one of many first coming up.  I need to go along and have a night out and force myself to go.  I'm good value normally (with people I know) so I should get along.  Who knows who I will meet.

Flocky and I are off to see the house tomorrow - I am looking forward to that and to see if it fits the bill - I am sure it will do that. 

I came across this phrase that I rather liked:

“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.” 

― Rumi

Things Happen For A Reason

Do you believe that?  I didn't think I did until this year and this year has been one of those seminal moments in my life where I knew I had to do something, where I was the happiest and saddest I've ever been in my life and where I finally burst free from all the baggage and cr@p I had accumulated over my life.  Where suddenly life meant more than possessions and where I came into contact with one person who catalysed my life and many others who suddenly made sense.

I like the idea that things happen for a reason, that you meet people when you need to and that a sequence of events seem unconnected and then materialise as important and integrated.

The point would be that being told of the book 'A New Earth' at the moment when I most needed to make some sort of sense out the mess I was in and the turmoil in my head.  It was a year where I saw the other side of my life - I feel a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge being shown Past, Present and Future and having the Epiphany and that magic of realisation what on earth had been missing in my life.  Not just what was missing but finding out why I was so screwed up so often why I'd have massive highs and deep deep lows and why I never seemed to move on.

I'm not going to say it is my marriage or cancer or me because in reality it is a mixture of all three.  Mainly me though, it's all in your head (Mr. Tweedy" for you Chicken Run fans out there).  So much of the "suffering" was self inflicted and mostly negative.  I noticed it in a friend who was down on his luck and just exuded the outward signs of being in a bad place, down on his uppers and not looking on life in the right way.  Same as me, the perennial victim of the piece.  So many negative thoughts, so many burdens taken on board and carried.  I know I still am prone to do this but armed with what I know now it is short lived.

I was feeling particularly sad about the year when I wrote yesterday's blogs.  Reflecting on what "might have been" but, of course, it's history and if it was meant to be it would have happened and that's the end of it.  I suppose you look at models and you hold them up to judge others by and there's me saying I'll never meet anyone like 'X' and that's not the case, it's just the mind playing tricks.  So going back to dealing with it, I went to bed thinking a bit like that and then just went over the facts of the matter and woke up refreshed and with a clear mind - baggage gone.  So I am controlling it but of course occasionally my head gets the better of me.  I'm working on it though.

New Year's Eve is going to be so strange but I think I do need to get myself off to the pub for the night and see what happens.  As a local, I got an invite.  It isn't meant to be too crowded and is meant to be a good laugh - let's hope so - it would be nice to meet a few people and to get used to being on my own (but not on my own).  Staying in with Mrs. F. just isn't an option - it's also a good way to try and say a symbolic goodbye to 2013 and look forward to 2014 and all that is to be. 

Late Yet Again

This will change I'm sure once I get away - I want to get back to eating, sleeping and business hours :-)  I keep out of the way but Mrs. F. did go and see one of her friends tonight which I am pleased about - she needs to go meet people and talk it through.

I ended up finishing off my beer, watching Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and some episodes of Family Guy and that was my lot really.  I've been feeling a little sad but I reckon that is to be expected.  Silly things, seeing the photographs of the children on the wall and seeing stuff around the house that I may not take with me.  I'll see if I can get copies of the photos - as I'm doing that for a living I imagine it should be OK.

I can't say that I'm overly looking forward to New Year's Eve at the moment.  I've been invited to the local pub and whilst I may know some people, I'm no natural conversationalist - well not to start a conversation anyway.  I might be fine once engaged in conversation.  I think I should go anyway to give it a go and see how I get on.  It would beat sitting at home and whilst my youngest has lots of friends around I can at least escape the house.  I don't know if Mrs. F. is going to be here.  It all feels so strange after all of these years not to be with her on New Year's Eve.  Perhaps I should see in the New Year as I mean to go on?

I'm running out of prescription tablets and now realise that I will run out before they get a chance to measure my Blood Pressure in just over a week's time.  I reckon I can do without the drugs for a few days anyway so perhaps leave it until then and get the prescription sorted. What's a few days?

I have loads more eBay items to parcel up and post and that's tomorrow morning's chore I guess. 

It's been a rough old week and only a few more days and that will be about it I think.  I can get on with life a bit and start to prepare myself for a new life, in a new place, with a new view on the world.  

2013 - The Year That It All Changed

I see last year that things weren't good and in fact as I look back on this blog over the last 7 years or so - I can now see that it never really was great.  For many years there had been a gradual erosion of my home life and I couldn't tell you even now why that was.  Let's say that things hadn't been good for 20 years or so but they weren't unbearable or anything it's been a gradual process of wearing me down but I combated it with working abroad and long hours and working away and abroad so that I didn't need to be here.  I made plenty of cash so that meant that the family never did without and I'd invested well when I was younger and that too meant that around the time I became ill we had little if any debt, the house was paid off, we both have pensions and so on.

In truth we can look at Bladder Cancer as the beginning of the change because since that time I've not had the sort of high powered top of the tree management jobs I used to have.  Most of the old me was kicked into touch by being ill.  The brash, go-getter, top of my game person no longer exists in that way.  My stamina and ability to commit to a long term job or indeed to any job, possibly due to knowing that I really, deep down inside, didn't want to.  I recollect writing a lot about collateral damage quite early on in the cycle of treatment I was having.  I knew then, if I reflect on it, that it was only a matter of time until something had to change.

Without going in to all of the details, it's fair to say that things were failing on many fronts, communications being just one of them.  Let's face it, lots of people have rows and disagreements.  We tended not to have those, mainly because I don't particularly enjoy confrontation anymore and also that I am not a pleasant person to argue with anyway as I have a personality INTJ that makes me pretty adroit at it and you have to be on your game to counter me.  I DO listen to you if you are arguing a good case in a good way and I can change my mind too.  However in a situation in the house which is often contrived and illogical it can get very messy.  Again, I look back at the blog and see a number of instances of this emotionally charged half digs that I tend to walk away from rather than see me bite and then proceed to destroy my opponent with words and logic.

On the subject of INTJs I cam across this which I thought was very interesting indeed.  I looked long and hard at this because as you probably know I met someone in the middle of the year who made me completely re-think everything.  More of that in a moment.

At the beginning of the year, I had been trying to work on what I wanted to do and the business that I am now looking at appeared to be the way forward but something was holding me back and it was to do with support and whether or not living here, in the way I was living was the right thing to do.  I was also in the process of going through a series of Psychometric tests and then later some reasoning tests which led nowhere.  To me, if I had have got one of those jobs I could have disappeared back into Corporate land and perhaps lived for a few more years in a work defined way, trying to find work that took me away as often as possible and that was all engrossing and I would have earned enough money to have bought Mrs. F. out of this house if necessary and that was an option as I was looking at the options until I realised that it wasn't just the marriage that was over but it was my old lifestyle too as I could no longer work with the "type of people" I had worked with most of my life (not all of them).  By that I mean the sort of vacuous, wastes of Oxygen who don't add anything to life or society and appear to only be there to stop the rest of us achieving what we were tasked to do.  The ones who are truly incompetent and I am often surprised how well they can breathe with their heads shoved so far up their own arses! 

There were a number of reviews, the last throw of the dice I now realise, looking at other things we could do together.  A B&B, small Hotel, a Tea Room, a Camp Site and Tea Room anything that might involve the two of us.  Mrs. F. was interested until I produced the business plans and ideas and then they too were cast aside and I was left with this vacuum.  I realised that Corporate Life may not be right and the people I spoke too were just see through, clone like tossers and I'd dealt with these sorts of people all my life.  Surely there had to be something else and also why was I thinking like this?  Sometimes I do things intuitively (well I would as an INTJ) and I wonder whether I was giving off an aura of "I don't care" dealing with them - I certainly held no punch back with one of them.  The world's moved on and I don't want to be part of that world.  I was faced with the choice and all I really wanted to do was to try and find something that I would be happy doing and I did a lot of looking around and did some more plans on perhaps doing some part time work and self employed work which, in part, I did actually do at one time.

My health continued to improve apart from, once again, feeling that I had a recurrence and also the suggestion that they had seen a tumour and once again living through the horrors of perhaps having to go through all of that again or perhaps losing my bladder.  So that really challenged me and having to also wait for hours to have the operation - they once again got me in early but didn't operate until the afternoon!  They found nothing - which was a great relief but that's twice now.  Perhaps that brought it all back to me?  I don't know maybe it jogged me into wondering what was I was doing?  Here I was a recovered Cancer patient and it may be back and all the old dreams came back in those 4 weeks.

I had been losing weight and I noticed that the panic attacks and the claustrophobia were subsiding and I feel great these days - it was a case in point with a load of us squeezed into someone's living room a few nights ago and it was hot but I was fine - I didn't need to go gasping for air outside like I used to a few years before. 

In the middle of the year someone I knew and I became very close and what ever you may want to call it, for it wasn't an affair, nor was it a fling but it was a collision of two people for a short while in the most intense and magical way.  For a short time I was immersed in a relationship that could go nowhere but what it did for me was release my mind and allow me to open my eyes, ears and to start to see what life could hold for me.  Suddenly it was a new awakening for me.  Someone who appreciated me for who I was, who loved my music, my art, my books, my films.  Who unlocked all the things that had shut down in me. My writing, my reading, my music everything that I used to be and no longer was.

Then I read Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' and suddenly it all started to make sense to me and I finally realised that for years and years I'd started to shut myself down and become withdrawn.  That I'd appeased others and complied and that I was no longer ME.  The real me is creative, fun, artistic, musical and above all suddenly I was able to gaze around me at the wonder that's around me.  The countryside around here is fantastic and people are great too if you just give them time, if you look with eyes that don't judge and then I realised that I had to do something about it.

There was a sadness knowing that I couldn't go on with either my friendship nor with my marriage and both relationships were terminal and that both had to change if I was to move on.  In August I told Mrs. F. that our marriage was over and in September my spiritual Angel and I moved on.  I can't even begin to tell you how painful it was but for only a short time.  I'm an INTJ, I realise that I have to move on, that whilst it was going to hurt like hell, it wouldn't be like that forever.  Time heals but also the ability to realise that in fact I was - or would soon be - free.  Free to go and build a life that I wanted, that expresses who I am, what makes me tick, how I like to live and it will be whatever it will be.  It will be a bright new world and whether it lasts a month or many years, I plan to enjoy it and to make of it the best I can.  

I could dwell on the past or list my regrets and 'what ifs' but to what end - it's all happened, I can do nothing about them.  To let them rule my present would be counterproductive and achieve nothing except perhaps more misery and sadness and I've had 8 years of sadness and misery if not longer.  In the summer, for a short time, I was alive and felt the sun shine on my body, the air move through the trees and the fields.  I wandered around the countryside here on such a high and smelt every aroma, heard every sound and became alive again.  I was awoken to how my life could be, what it was like to be loved and to love again.  It was like a ray of sunshine from a black stormy cloudy day picking you out for a short while.  I've never felt like that before but it was what I'd been looking for - perhaps for all my life.  My own little Epiphany, my own realisation that it didn't have to be like "this" it could be wonderful, fulfilling, all encompassing, peaceful, fun, loving, musical, artistic and beautiful. If there is one sadness, it is that the person who unlocked this in me may never be part of it.  Maybe that's the way it is.  Some people live to enhance the lives of others and you just glance into them in your life and for a fleeting moment, that sunbeam on a stormy day, they light up your life and then they are gone.

Leaving that as a small disappointment on the year because I have to appreciate that it was a sign not a prophesy, I finally arrive at the end of the year in a bit of a bad place because it is difficult in the house.  I know the girls both feel it as well and Mrs. F. is very very upset still and carries her misery around for all to see.  The pain in this house can be felt everywhere, it's no longer the place it was and it isn't as happy as it once was but I'm not all to blame for that I feel. It takes two people to make things work and up until I got ill I felt that it was alright - not great - but we managed and we fitted around the arrangement.  I did all the right things not necessarily for the right reasons and we got on and the kids did well and there was money for holidays and so on.  After I got ill it all changed but gradually, not overnight.  

2014 beckons me onwards.  It will be a little frightening but an adventure and exciting too.  It's a clean start for me and a new page.  What I do with it is up to me but starting a new business and living a bachelor life should be fun in themselves.  I have no doubt that there will be some surprises along the way - I will just have to deal with them as they come along that's all.  I have no doubt that there will be a bit more pain in the divorce but this is now what I want and it would be nice to live the next phase of my life and try and be as 'alive' as I was in the middle of the year.  Quite how I capture that again I don't know, it burns inside me now so perhaps I'm just waiting for the move to the new place to drop the burden I feel here and finally go live my life the way I want to.

A Happy New Year to you all

Interesting Reading

I went back through my blog just doing some general random reading of posts and I started seeing a trend coming on about how I was being treated in the house by Mrs. F. and in some ways by the girls.  It's surprising to see that I even wrote about them but I see that, at the time, they really p1ssed me off and I see my reaction to them was normally to walk away and not to get involved in it - or to explain something and walk away.

I see a pattern emerging in this and once again I feel OK with my decision.  I do have other documents and notes and a huge mindmap that I used to set down all the problems I was facing and I just need to look at that and also I wrote a note for Mrs. F who wanted to know "why?" and that's pretty explicit and holds no punches back. 

I think I might do a retrospective on 2013 because it has had just about everything in it for me.  It has brought so many things together and it looks like I finally get my life back in 2014.  That's something to be eternally grateful for.  What I really like is that I will be able to get back my art, my music, my writing and my reading again.  These things have been pruned from my life and absent for too many years IMHO.  To be able to live in a house of music again will be great and to just pick up a book and read it will be magical.  I feel like I've been some sort of Hermit these past 8 years or more.  

I'm particularly impressed that I can go back over my writing and my other journals and find instances where the things I cite as reasons for divorce are clearly demonstrated and the results are often documented over the course of a day or more.   It's damn late again so I'm going to head off to bed but I find that this blog and my journals are pretty good at fleshing out what is going on.  I wonder whether I'll keep these blogs going though as this one has gone way beyond what it was for originally.  Maybe I need open up a new one with my new chapter.

Not In The Same Room

Yes it's difficult - Mrs. F. doesn't stay in the same room as me at the moment so it is all a bit of a fun filled circus.  I don't think it is done to make me feel bad - I think she doesn't still accept what is happening to her, her whole world is collapsing around her and the sooner I'm gone the better.

I believe the House that Flocky and I were interested in is being vacated later today which may help us kick start something along.  The atmosphere is choking and as with many things like this the stress appears in ways you don't expect.  Lying in bed and not feeling hungry and I'm in a sort of light depressive state at the moment.  The trouble is that it's not easy to go and do anything although I've invented things that need doing and tomorrow I can see me sitting in my room taking up time doing them and letting Mrs. F have the run of the living room and the TV.

Of course I also feel bad for her too and so that's hurting me although I can do nothing to help her through it, I hate to be the person raining down this situation.  I know, I know that it was me who got the rough end of a lot of it for quite a long time but even so I don't like the idea that what I do hurts people.  But there you go.

So not long to live through this now - about half-way through this holiday period and half way through the agony of the separation.  I can only imagine how upset she is going to be when I go and I think I will feel upset too.  It will give me the freedom to get on a and build my business - something I am severely hampered with at the moment.  I find I can't actually finish off the work on the detail of the business but I do feel that I've done all the work and it just needs me to pull it all together to get things moving.  There are lots of details but they can be overcome and whilst I'd have liked a January start maybe it will be a bit later.  Never mind - in the overall scheme of things - it just isn't important.

What is important is to work on staying calm (as possible) and to try and work through this.  It is without doubt highly stressful and so I work on my breathing and also on my 'meditation' or more like it is inward thinking and reflecting.  I can work on getting myself to good equilibrium but I find that I do need to work at it a little more.  This is things like ignoring the past, not worrying about the future and living in the now and trying to enjoy all parts of it.  I know that I am stressed as my tinnitus is back and has been since Christmas Eve.  When I get an opportunity to concentrate on thinking things through I can bring it under control  I do tend to get it under stress and of course, this being in the same house but no one's really talking to you is part of that burden you carry.  I don't think anyone is doing anything "on purpose" it's just the dealing with it mechanism  they employ.

I watched the animated movie 'Up' earlier - what a lovely movie that is, especially the first 5 or 10 minutes - quite emotional and sad in some ways and then later when the chap opens the album to see that the journey wasn't about travelling at all brought a smile to my face and I liked the fact that the writing stated that the couple's journey had ended but that his should go on and he should find new adventures.  How sweet that was - how poignant in my case too I felt that it was similar in many ways that I've had a journey to get where I am today and everything that has happened contributed to it.  Happy and Sad moments some amazing things have happened and 2014 just means to me that I turn that next page over in my book and the next journey will start.  

I don't think that I've made a mess of my life and I don't look back with too many regrets now.  I suppose I could go and say "what if" but those weren't taken and even if they had of been we can't predict whether they were anything to do with where we have arrived at.  But at least I'm not leaving a mess behind me.  I haven't gone out of my way to be nasty or to anything like it - I just hope for all our sakes that we at least stay in touch and continue to at least be friends although I'm not entirely convinced that is what it will be like for a while.  I have to give Mrs. F lots of time I think.

I've been late every night this week, eaten too much rich food at all sorts of strange hours and had far too much drink  as well.  Clearly New Year's Day cannot come too soon for my body to get back into recovery mode!   

So I was Invited

To be truthful I was being a bit devious by not asking whether there was a party last night or not and I thought I'd play it to the bitter end.  It sort of worked as Mrs. F wandered in saying was I coming?  Coming to what?  I then protested that I didn't think I was invited but apparently I was.  So as it was 10 minutes past when the party started I said I'd get ready and meet her there - I could do with the walk.

I did walk there arriving after her and left after her and walked back.  I think it was gone 2 am when I arrived back but there you go.  I enjoyed it but I was quiet for the first few hours - unusual for me but again - reflective mood I suppose.  It got livelier afterwards so that was OK.

I'm feeling still a little low but not sick or anything more flat I suppose you'd call it, neither happy nor sad - just in between.  I'm sure that will change eventually.

I think I am going to make it a point to drop off the drink in the New Year - at least the beer - in the last 4 weeks since I've been drinking leading up to Christmas I can see the affect on my waistline - it's frightening how quickly I've added a notch the wrong way on my belt.  of course I'm only 3 or 4 pound heavier but it really notices.  So once in the new place I will be on Red Wine only and no beer except for high days and holidays as they say.  Certainly I will not be having them everyday or once a week or more as it has been of late.

I think I will make a conscious effort to draw the line after New Year, get back on diet and go for some more weight loss and see what I can do.  

Progress Sure and Steady

It sounds like I'm down and yet I'm sort of low but it's just the situation here at the moment.  It's difficult to explain it I suppose but when you are in constant contact with someone you've lived with all your life and you are splitting up it's pretty easy to get on each other's nerves - twice today I've had a bite back.  I ask a question and get a sharp sound bite back that is all defensive and aggressive - it doesn't need to be as I calmly remind them (it isn't just Mrs. F) I didn't say why was something done in a certain way I asked where something was.  It's pretty simple stuff but it's like this all the time and it is just constant and wearing.  But then as Flocky and I discussed, it was like that all of our lives.

This slow, chipping away, this forever something wasn't right here or there or why are you doing that.  Today was a case in point.  No sooner had she arrived back with her Sister and her Boyfriend than I had to drop everything I was doing to go replace his car battery.  I don't mind doing these things but a bit of notice would have been nice or even an inkling that I was expected to be doing it.  I did get up and do it but this sort of attitude I've lived with all my life.  

There's a good article here about it - it's absolutely bang on.  Lots and lots of little niggles and digs and eventually it blows up into a big thing.  Things that actually don't need to be said.  They are power plays and again the book 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle looks at this Ego and Pain Body type stuff.  For me it meant years of erosion of my self esteem and my self confidence already laid bare through the cancer and all of that.  This 'misery' and 'pain' heaped onto me. 

I know well enough that it isn't long now until that goes away and I don't need to suffer or feel it anymore.  That will be great for me - a little unnerving to start with I am sure but I am sure I can grow into it and that's what I hope will happen.  I've always been quite OK with my own company and that's not a problem to me.  As long as I can have my music and get on and do my thing.  Make a few bucks here and there and just get on with my new life.  

How disturbing it has been that some people in the room knew our situation and others, Mrs. F's father, sister and brother (and their partners) did not know what was going on.  It was a surreal few days.  No wonder I felt strange.  I suppose it will be a bit difficult to deny anything has happened when I don't live here! :-)   

I just have to get through these days and realise that all these feelings are mixed.  Somewhere it is the feelings of the end of an era and all the good times we had - for we did have good times and then there's the other bit that's the guilt which I pile on myself but when I think about it I did just about everything I possibly could and it didn't change - it got worse.  Things are still bad - in fact no one has actually changed their behaviour that much I feel just as alienated as did last year as I do this.  I know it's the right thing to do - just knew that it was going to be difficult and a little sh1tty.  

Heavy Feeling

Life's sort of heavy at the moment - burdensome and it's that Mrs. F is here all day and so am I and the kids are here too.  Communications are kept to a business level and that's OK I think but it is very curt and matter of fact - at least we are talking :-) 

Not feeling great - haven't eaten at all today and it's gone 1 pm and still don't feel like eating anything at all.  I find that all this rich food doesn't really agree with me - not that I've over indulged on the food.  Now the beer I do seem to have gone through a little more than I thought I would have but that's me "coping" and seemingly the only drinker in the house - I guess it is me that drank all those cans :-)  

Nice to see Flocky for a few coffees this morning too that was good - lightens up my mood and he's in a good place too so  that's great news.  

I can't moan - I see on Facebook another chap who is having a particularly nasty divorce went around to walk the dog and bumped into the new man who had stayed overnight at his old house etc etc etc.  He didn't see the funny side - who would :-(  Poor sod he is the "victim" as such I suppose there's the instigator and the victim in all of these.  Mrs. F. is the victim in our particular case but living in the same house for the moment has been a strain - at least I know it's not long to go now and I can get away and hopefully take a few days to get my head around it and then take a deep breath, gird up my loins and move on.  :-)  

I believe there is a party tonight.  I have no idea if I am invited, no one has told me about it but I am aware it is happening.   Wondering whether to go or not anyway!  

Here comes the bad weather again

Really windy again outside.  Had a funny old day again today - didn't feel great to start with and after a few drinks seemed to come back into kilter again.  I'm pretty certain it is that I know it's my last Christmas here and together with the family.  It was so strange to know that half the room knew and half didn't and funnily I've only let slip one detail about getting a place to start my business so it wasn't too bad!

We've had a small mouse infestation - two of the little blighters met their maker last night and I think I just heard one of the traps go off again a few moments ago.  

Got a note from my friend who didn't call me - apologising about that but it isn't a problem.  Got a note from someone who bid for some stuff on eBay, ignored me every day that I wrote and sent invoices suggesting that her baby had done the bidding :-) Of course that's possible but not on successive days surely?  So it's out of my hands and I suggested they contact eBay with the excuse - it's good but not realistic!

As for me, well I'm OK but a little sad because I know that this year marks the end of this sort of family gathering and whilst I'm separating from my wife I kind of realise that I'm also separating from my kids too - not that I want to but that's what it feels like and I didn't expect that.  I was interested to hear that L may be going on holiday with Mrs. F. this year and that our trip to Las Vegas may not be on as L thinks she will be working.  I kind of think that you should do what pleases you but no one else thought I was right.  Ho Hum.  She's 21 and apparently legally able to drink in the US - of course here it is 18.

Me, well I'm past Christmas and Boxing day and heading off towards New Year's Eve and so far so good.  I kind of feel very strange indeed and I just know that it is because change is coming.  Change I want, change that I know needs to happen but also there has to be a certain amount of trepidation in that too.  There's also the life that I dreamed of but won't be fulfilled.  All my earlier dreams of the summer aren't going to happen and that to me is a huge disappointment but I've learnt to live with that now but it still remains a problem that sort of recurs and whilst I can deal with it, I don't always manage to catch it in time.  Maybe I will have the life I desire but it wont be this year coming.  Perhaps I will find myself able to choose a direction - I don't know.  The main thing is to deal with the present, dismiss the past and not worry about the future.  That seems to me to be goal I can achieve quite easily.

Not Right Though

I'm hoping that it is just the rich food that's making me feel not to well - I'd guess it is also stress and slightly underlying feelings associated with this particular Christmas.  My mate used to swear by Brandy and Port as something to ease things out - it seemed to work yesterday not so much today though.  Been crazy as Sister In Law's boyfriend's car wouldn't start last night so we managed to get it going with jump leads and she has just rung up with him not feeling well - stuck in a layby and so A and Mrs. F. have gone off to rescue them.  

We are expecting more people around today and I do feel slightly shaky - not sure what it is but there you go.  

Oh well - let's hope that they rescue them, I settle down a little and we have another good day given the circumstances.  I know this is only a temporary thing, these feelings and they will soon go away.  

Not Too Bad

Excepting that Mrs. F got me a small present and I didn't get her one.  That's OK though.  It was a much better day than I could have envisaged.  

So far so good.  I am pretty pleased that it has gone so good so far.

Damn It I Feel Sad

I've been kept out of the preparations for most of the day and they've all gone to Church and I've just had a shower and suddenly I've come over all sad and it's bound to be that this is the last Christmas that I'll be in this house, in this situation and that somehow I'd expected things to be a bit different.  I didn't expect to still be here for Christmas I suppose which is a big change.  Additionally I also guess that I had thoughts of sharing it with someone else - but that was just a pipe dream and could never be either.

The combination of being the "bad" guy tonight and being on my own in a house full of people is a bit disturbing.  I'll make the most of it though.  I've not been tempted to have a drink yet - I've eaten a big lunch so as to make sure there is something to settle any booze onto.  I am aware that I need to take it easy too.

I hope it will be a good night tonight I'd hate to think that through my presence it would disturb any harmony there may be there.  I suppose it's up to everyone else - if they don't want to be happy I reckon.  I will go there with the right attitude and just see how it pans out.

I don't expect to be cut too much slack from Mrs. F and the girls although L is always good value so I hope that she helps to make the evening.  Just need to grin and bear it I suppose.

And So It Begins

I was interested to read an article recently in the Daily Mail (OK it raises your blood pressure and isn't really news at all).  I've managed to wean my mum off reading it because it is a stream of bad news and over hyped news threads that are there, after all, to sell newspapers and to play on the pain body of people.  

The article says a fair bit about emasculation and I have to say I related to it because over the years that's how I've felt it has been.  Regular readers will remember where things that need to be done in the house need to be done NOW.  If I don't drop what I'm doing it gets attempted to be done as if I'm at fault.  Today is an interesting point.  I normally do a fair amount of the preparation for Christmas Day on Christmas Eve.  I especially do the Gammon, my speciality.  Not today - that's being done now by Mrs. F and the children.  Preparing the Veg.  No that's also been done. So that's all my usual jobs gone for today.  Heaven alone knows if I will get a look in tomorrow to do the meal itself.  I imagine I will but we will see.  

I'm now keeping out of the way as it is just too difficult and I've been ignored twice already - not sure if she's deaf or just being obtuse.  As I said to Flocky - I've only got to endure this for this year.  I have no idea what I will do next year and does it matter?  Probably not.  It's going to be a rough few days I know but I can ride this out, I've ridden out bad storms before and I know that once this is over, I can be on my way and it's behind me then.

I like the idea of drawing the line (previous posting) and then moving on from there.  I wonder whether I will just spring clean my friends and contacts and start anew?  It is very tempting to just sever all ties with many of them and just forget about them and move on.  It clears away cobwebs and history, it removes temptation and allows me some freedom to move on and upwards.

I find the thing that I will miss the most about not being here in the Village is the opportunity to go for my walks and silly things like heading to the Curry House or the local Pub, the Post Office and those familiar places and faces.  It is the place I've lived longest having lived here twice.  It feels like home in many ways.  I may well be able to move back this way or around here somewhere.  Time will tell.

So - it is interesting that Mrs. F. is keeping herself very busy at the moment - her way of dealing with it and at the same time, I don't think it is deliberate, I'm edged out of all my usual duties.  Just like I was on everything else I used to do.  It's been a gradual erosion of my position since the kids were born I think.  It's been coming for years and years and like most blokes, I do anything to keep the peace and in fact added to the downfall.  I see that I've just been one to go with the flow but that's led me here.  Oh well hindsight is a wonderful thing, it felt at the time I was doing the right thing.

I need to be on my guard today not to hit the booze too - it is very easy when we go to the party to drink especially if I am being ignored or isolated which I have no doubt will happen as Mrs. F. will seek out and be in the kitchen with the other ladies.  Maybe the lads will spend a bit of time with me - not holding my breath though.  

As I said earlier, this time next year this will all be over and I'll be doing something else I guess.  It doesn't matter what that something is as long as I'm happier then than I am now (not difficult).  Looking forward to 2014 and to say goodbye to 2013 a year of so many emotions, contrasts and of such change.  It's had absolutely everything.

Exactly - Now's The Time

Time to draw a line under everything that has gone before and move on with a nice new sheet of paper.  The past is history and doesn't need to come along on the new journey.  Time to leave my regrets and disappointments as I can't do anything about them, they've happened and that's that.

Live for the now.

And So - It Is Time To Accept Your Medicine And To Move On

When I was really ill and I had to have Chemotherapy I realised that I'd have to "accept my medicine" and as hard and as stressful as it was, I would have to go through with it if I were to combat the Cancer and if I was to give myself any chance of being well again.  There's a pay off for the pain you go through and whilst it isn't a measure of efficacy it is a re enforcement of "no pain no gain" sort of psyche.  

The reason that I'm taking all this so well is that it isn't the physical pain nor the mental pain that can get me - I know that.  I try my very hardest not to be affected but I'm not always successful at it.  Waves of self doubt wash over me but I know that my course is true, that my cause is just and that I am doing the right thing.

What I wish for myself right now, is not attainable which is unfortunate.  I will not end up with the person I wanted to end up with, in the circumstances I dreamed of and that met my dreams and overactive imagination.  So disappointment all around in many ways.  My dreams and my ambitions of many years lie ruined at my feet.   Or do they?  I cannot write off my marriage, my children nor my life up until now.  They are what they are.  I'm proud and love my children very much and they've turned out to be very nice human beings :-)  In many ways my wife and I were very happy for many years and built this life and all the material things around us.  

I say it is all in ruins but perhaps that's because at the moment it does look like that.  Beyond the veneer I expect it to be a lot different.  I see my life changing significantly and I do hope that Mrs. F. will grasp the opportunity to move on in her life too.  I so hope so.

An evening with Flocky was good tonight to sort of tune our heads again.  He had last year the Christmas I am about to endure.  My last family one, half the people around Christmas day will know what is going on and half will not.  It is difficult but once this is over - new opportunities arise and new horizons appear.  I feel that it is already taking place and acceptance is near.  It is awkward as we look back to about 24 years or more of family Christmas gatherings.  Presents on Christmas Day and the joy of being a family together.  I feel like the "baddie" in the Pantomime - all the audience hissing and spitting at me :-) Oh well - it wont last long and I can move on.  This time next year will be whatever life has in store for me.

How the New Year calls me on to greater things and how I look forward to being my own person again.  At the moment I am not really getting to grips with the business and other things because I'm still stuck here in the house which has "atmosphere" shall we say.  Roll on 2014 and a new leaf in my life.