My Life = Utter Chaos

My life is in total chaos at the moment.  The good thing is that I've hardly thought about Bladder Cancer at all in the past 6 weeks.  It is amazing I've lost total track of time and it's June already and I ought to have launched the business.  I can't believe that my life has blown me quite so far off course.  I don't actually mind that too much as the distraction has been quite welcome really although totally unexpected.  

I'm surprised how this has happened but then perhaps I shouldn't be.  The "new" me is so much nicer than the old me.  I'm far more emotional than I used to be as I've said many time in this blog. I don't get all het up these days, I get a little angry still with people but can control that - I'm sure a rising testosterone level may also have something to do with that as well - I have to be on guard as I've noticed that as a change in me.  Above all though I'm calm and resigned these days and also keep trying to explain that things that happened in the past remain in the past and have no bearing whatsoever on the present.  The future isn't here yet and you can't live in the future either.  You have to live in the now - what else can you possibly do.

I like being the new me although I can see the old me trying its hardest to reassert itself.  It is one of those things I'm now aware of.  It is very difficult to maintain the new me persona but I know one thing, I feel great and I am so much happier with myself these days.  I no longer hate myself or beat myself up about things.  The past no longer has any bearing on my present like it used to.  My dreaming and planning are now very loose and not specific and therefore not likely to result in the huge disappointments I used to suffer when they never came true or fell short of expectations.

I like utter chaos although I'm not sure I'd like to live like that all the time :-) 

Eastbourne

Not been there for years and years and so when P said let's go (on a Sunday) I was a bit hesitant.  The traffic was heavy but not too bad - and we got to East Dean OK in time for lunch - this is the Tiger's Head pub - I'd been there a number of times before - very nice too.  Then we headed off to the cliffs.

Tigers Head - East Dean

 It was a nice day although I should have worn cotton trousers not black jeans!  We decided to flake out on top of the cliffs and enjoy the views and just watch the world go by.

A Selfie Gone Wrong?  P and I on the cliffs at Eastbourne

 Part of the walk we did is shown below it is a lot steeper than it looks. 

Cliffs at Eastbourne

It's nice to have got out of the flat for a while and to have walked out and enjoyed the weather which had been predicted to be poor but was delightful although a bit humid.  

So glad that I did the walk though and that P and I were able to enjoy each others company.

I'm feeling great at the moment and healthy and about to change my routine.  I hope that I can stick to it and fit everything in.  

Up and Down Day

It was a good day and P met up with us at Shipbourne Farmer's Market.  We bought some nice produce and some cheese and olives and baklava.  So I managed to cook for P and mum and we had a nice meal out at an old favourite pub of mine from the old days.

P and I were OK today and had a lovely time but she has had to go home tonight. I'm dropping my mum off tomorrow so that my daughter L can take her home which is nice of her - my mum has all sorts of traumas about this and L driving in the dark and goodness knows what else!  She's making up disaster after disaster for not going.  For me it can't come soon enough - I love my mum but a week and a day of this has been over and above the call of duty - honestly - I nearly lost the plot twice today - it's the insane advice and how to do things I get all the time.  I become flabbergasted with it as I'm trying to drive "watch out for that lorry!" "What, that huge great big white thing behind me?"  FFS I can see it and I'm not likely to reverse off my drive at high speed into it!  I've actually been distracted a couple of times and ended up missing turns and going back around roundabouts and told her to stop it as I don't need the distraction.

I will at least be able to go to P's place and relax a little tomorrow night and spend the weekend with her - that will be nice.

How Strange

Indeed things are strange - communication being one of the strange things at the moment.  It's been a bit difficult with my mum here that's for sure.  I love her dearly but it's been a week now and it wears a bit thin I'm afraid and I can't always keep myself happy and cheery in the face of a constant bombardment of advice and ideas.  It's OK to keep saying OK and Yes but it wears you out entirely and that's the problem - I kind of live my own life and I don't particularly like the "views" my mother has on things.  We explored a few today like the number of Rats at anyone time near human beings.  There's loads of these stories "ten times more rats than humans!" "You are never more than 4 foot from a rat" were two I pulled out at random from the list of "scare stories" put about by the press.  

There are 60 Million people on our small island and the rats would number 600 million if there were ten rats to every human.  You'd have thought you'd see one or two of the blighters at least eh?  If you aren't more than 4 foot away from one at any one time then come on, you need to be pretty myopic to miss them.  Where's the data, where's this stuff come from.  So many headlines are utter tosh if you begin to scratch the surface of the arguments.  Mum goes off about the number of Peadophiles and Offenders and all that but, in reality, how many are there really?  Is there one on every street corner or is it more like there is one in every town.  I don't know but it can't be as bad as they picture it in the papers - it just doesn't stack up at all.

My mum has advice of every sort and if I took notice of half of it I'd be down several hundred pounds and have a box full of stuff that I'd never use and don't really need or want.  

Added to that Mrs. F. turning up yesterday and it was pretty obvious to P that I wasn't in a great place at all.  We've had a few wobbly days because of it - I hope that passes over pretty soon, we did have a long chat about it earlier.

Getting Around "that" time of year again

Last year I wondered why I was up and down and sad and confused but, of course, there was also the - shall we call it - affair all happening at the same time.  Jeez it all started this time last year and I can't complain really, it changed my life.

Of course the other thing is that it will have been 8 years since symptoms and diagnosis and operation and the beginning of the journey.  Eight years!  

My friend N and I were both operated on around the same time and so we regularly find ourselves in a strange place in late June and early July.  Of course on top of that my father died the day after my mum's and two days before my birthday in early July.

This year is different and also I'm in another strange place with myself and P.  It's been 8 weeks (well tomorrow it will have been) and things are going well and progressing nicely.  I hope that we will be able to get away for a long weekend just to spend some time on each other not on resolving problems which we've done a fair amount of this past 4 weeks.  

I feel better that my mum and Mrs. F. and A all got on well yesterday - I am pleased that Mrs. F. is now talking a lot more and that it was all amicable and that is doubly great.

Wobbly Day

A really wobbly day today - felt quite sick and not at all me.  Realised it was probably because Mrs. F. and A were coming over to take mum out for some tea and cakes.  I decided to go shopping to get out of the way so I hoped that would make me feel a little better.  

It kind of worked I suppose but it was still a funny old day.  I'd had such a fun day with P the day before and suddenly I was all glum and gloomy.  Unlike me but I suppose as Mrs. F. was turning up at the house it made me feel that I really didn't want to see her.  At least it was nice that my mum got to see A and Mrs. F.

I need to sort out my wobbly days - I haven't had one for a while but seem to get the odd wobble and I really don't need it.

Mum's Are Funny Aren't They?

My mum has a bit of advice for every situation, she makes me roll up and yesterday was so funny.  We were talking about candles and I have some in my room - rather nice ones.  "you'll burn the house down!" she said - I told her that they were a romantic addition and they were safe the way I had them set up and that if she'd experienced the house burning down - well she was using them wrong!  That got her into fits of laughter in the shop!  

The carrying a citronella candle around was a classic.  "What? All the time?"  How was I to know that I'd happen to go to a venue out of town on that particular day when I got bitten?  I was actually going to the centre of town.

So I just laugh and go with it these days and make fun of her when the ideas are so bizarre they need batting into touch!

Nice having mum over to see me and looking forward to a day out with the girls and my mum, nice.  S & P I hope will enjoy themselves.

Headaches and Insect Bites

I guess they are related - the cluster of insect bites on my neck are pretty awesome - now a huge lump on my neck!  Mum says I should buy a Citronella Candle but I'm going to look pretty stupid carrying it around on the off chance! 

A bit upset as could have gone with P tonight to a festival but as it happens there just wasn't time and not sure mum would truly have been up for it.  P sounded happy and chilled which is great.  She really needs to get out and enjoy herself.

As for me?  I want to kill something :-) lol - no really - I could go and sort out certain people and shake them until they realise the damage they do to other people!  I shouldn't, but am, getting annoyed with these sad excuses for humans being just downright nasty.  Surely there has to be another way/

It's the Spa Hotel luncheon tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that - taking my mum and S & P along too.  I'll have to remain sober as I'm driving but will have beer back here when I return :-)

Can't believe quite how much I miss P.  How funny :-) 

Some Critter - Bit Me

I hope it got indigestion.  Right at the back of my neck - could even be the cause of the headaches I reckon - really nasty inflamed neck and I've now got some cream on them - they've turned into one large lump on the back of my neck.  Not sure if that caused the headache or P's woes did?

P came over tonight and met my mum.  I can't stop talking about her and missed her a lot yet it's only been two days for goodness sake.  However, we really are close and it's all quite serious.  I'll see what mum makes of it tomorrow morning.  She likes the house and that's great and she gets on fine with my friends as she is quite funny.  Hope she likes P? Strange I need approval.  At last P is able to drive her car and it is nice that she can come on over here in her own transport too.  I'm so looking forward to spending time with her and getting out and doing things.  SO looking forward to getting the nonsense of her situation out of the way and moving on.  She was so much like her old self tonight - I was pleased she got on and made some progress.

Headache from hell

Two days running now a real thumper of a headache.  It's to do with sorting things out with P and her ongoing troubles.  It's draining for both of us and I've now taken her back to her flat.  I dislike leaving her there it is a pokey place and I just had to drop her off and leave her there after a couple of weeks with me.  It's been hectic - a roller coaster ride - but my head is just thumping away trying to get my head around what is going on and trying like mad to be on top of it all and be thinking on my feet all the time.

I'm off very early in the morning to take my daughter to the airport then go on to my mum's stay over there and then bring her back on Friday.  

Hopefully we will have a good weekend and week ahead.  Hopefully P will also be feeling a bit better.

Saturday - A Day Of Rest. Maybe.

P has been with me here for two weeks - it doesn't seem that long.  It's been a very difficult week for both of us.  She is having to deal with some pretty unsavoury stuff in her life and I'm helping but it does mean that days can be fraught and upsetting and for the both of us just starting to get to know each other it's a difficult time indeed.  If we can get through this and I think we broke the back of it over the week, we can get through anything.  

I'm in a really good place at the moment excepting that I've just dropped into my uncomfortable bank balance level where alarm bells are going off.  It isn't as bad as I make out - I still have enough money to live on but I now need to boot the business into life and my target date of 1st June is going to be more like the middle of June.

I've got my mum coming down later in the week and that will be great - she will stay for a week and we have the lunch at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells to look forward to.  Nice.

How fast things turn around and how amazing life can be.......  It's only been 4 weeks and 2 days as I remind her.  How frightening and wonderful all at the same time.

Where did that week go????

It's unbelievable isn't it?  My last blog post was a week ago.  I got my glasses a week ago and I haven't written since.  Astonishing for me to not write anything - I've been low profile here, on Facebook and fallen off the map altogether.  It's been a hell of a ride - a nice one but at some point in time I need to focus on getting my business going :-)  Actually my mum i down next week for a week so I reckon that it will be just after that if I'm honest.

P and I are going through some of her stuff and doing a sort out.  It's been a very hard week for both of us as it's been more business than pleasure.  Hopefully that will change shortly and we can move on and have more pleasure than business.  

Best not say too much at the moment but I am being pleasantly distracted shall we say :-) I haven't even thought about Bladder Cancer at all this past week.

Three Weeks Today

Blimey - just three weeks - it feels longer and so much has happened in such a short space of time.  I like the idea that neither of us were actually looking for too much to happen other than getting to know each other a bit more.  Well we have certainly done that!  I'm now having to work out what will happen in the next few weeks.  

Not Even Three Weeks Yet

It seems to me that I've entered some sort of time warp as it isn't three weeks yet since I picked up P from the Hospital and now we are as they say "an item".  It's all very strange indeed :-) It is all quite a shock as we keep saying to each other "How did we get here?"  It feels a lot longer than 20 days and I have to say that it's neither one thing or the other at the moment it's as if we are in a "no man's land." We are really compatible but my INTJ nature is making me ever so cautious.  P understands (thank goodness).

We are making a lot of progress on her issues and it's a step at a time existence moving a milestone at a time and getting over some pretty sticky situations.  

My main concern is that I am having to dynamically move things around to suit her schedule especially as she isn't allowed to drive for quite a while (another 3 weeks roughly).  So I'm doing a lot of driving and also making sure she is eating properly.  I think that's OK and I feel I've managed to sort most of the basics out especially eating and drinking and medication is being taken etc.

I'm cautiously optimistic that we will become very good friends indeed after all the grief of her operation and personal circumstances are resolved satisfactorily.  

That's Why Life IS Great

Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have known even then what was about to happen.  From absolutely nowhere (even though we slightly knew each other beforehand) two people's life paths touched and for a while have run parallel to each other.  It's all very close and it is all very strange and not at all what I was expecting or quite like it was last year - thank goodness :-) I don't think I'll say much more than last year I could hardly breathe and was wound up like a top.  This time around I think I'm being cautious - I got hurt quite badly and crashed and burnt last year.  I don't intend for that to happen again (although it easily could).

I spoke to P last night and she received my card in the post thanking her for a lovely weekend and I think she really appreciated it and that's exactly what I did it for.  I firmly believe we were destined to meet like this although I'd have preferred it if she hadn't needed eye surgery - poor thing :-(  But things like she's going through the same rubbish I went through and doing that almost on her own are key things.  I can fully empathise with her on the ups and downs of dealing with things that look insurmountable.  

I met lots of people yesterday they were telling me that I looked great and that I was on top form and so I was even though two incidents that actually made me angry - that's so rare!  But one bloke was really rude to me so I gave him two barrels and sent him on his way with a flea in his ear.  The other was just some guy being "Thick" and holding up proceedings - he wasn't best pleased when I gave him the hurry up.  I had to collect things from around 100 people and he was holding proceedings up so he also got a very rough tongue lashing.   Some people really don't get it.

I have NO idea what is going on

It is a funny old thing when you are dancing around and getting to know each other. I'm not heart eruptively entering into this as I "allegedly" did last year.  I am so much more stand offish - perhaps to my detriment.

All I can say is that I'm having a great time at the moment albeit there are some communication issues for us both - we are quite (but not exactly) similar and are both organised and a little headstrong so it is making for interesting dynamics. :-)

Anyway - I'm delighted that P is going to come with me to the church service at Rochester Cathedral on Sunday - it will be so nice to finally get to go to this event without all the whinging and hullabaloo that went before it.

P is off to Hospital in the morning - 2 weeks after her Retina Detachment corrective surgery.   Let's hope for good news.  It marks 14 days since I picked her up at the Hospital and dare I say it this rather extraordinary journey.

Geeeeeez - Karma? Serendipity?

Well hello there.  I've just surfaced after what feels like a month but had probably been less.  P has stayed with me over the weekend and I've just taken her home to her pokey old flat.  We've been getting on fine but are both still shell shocked that we are going out or whatever you may call it.  It's a big surprise to both of us :-)

I'm getting complaints over lacks of blogs and FaceBook activity.  I haven't had time and this week is bad too.  I feel absolutely knackered having driven P around for a couple of weeks, cooked, washed and all sorts of other things for her as her eye (we hope) starts to mend.  It's a tiny bit better but she can't drive for at least another 4 weeks.  She can just begin to see shapes and her fingers in blurred outline held to the sky or a light.

I wonder about these "chance" meetings.  Neither of us would have met unless the string of events that had happened to each of us had happened that way and that her friends were unable to collect her from the Hospital and the subsequent appointment - I can't actually do this Thursday but a friend of hers is.

Let's see how it goes....

Later and Later

Well that was a significantly better day than yesterday and each day is an improvement.  P looked great when I turned up but was slightly back in the doldrums.  However we knuckled down and sorted out her finances or most of them and her friend came around and helped her wash her hair and she was in great spirit.  S is a tiny tornado of a lass and was a great tonic for P.  Once her hair was done it just looked great - I have a thing about long blonde hair and it was so nice to see her happy and almost back to her old self.

I made dinner and seem to be making some great meals with just a load of bits from the fridge.  
It's not been a week since I picked her up from the Hospital and we are "pretty close" I did say to her that I was only meant to pick her up from the Hospital not "pick her up".  

I see in her situation how I was this time last year unable to tackle the day to day things that life was throwing at me and unable to really get a handle on things, tackle tasks and so on.  Here's a thought for you and for me.  Maybe I was destined to meet her and destined to help her through this rough patch in her life?  I have no idea if I am just meant to touch her life or be part of it.  That is part of the journey too.  What is good is that I understand what she is going through and how she is procrastinating at the hard decisions that have to be made.

Some questions for generally throwing out there for discussion:

1. She has lots of friends but none could pick her up that day or stay with her overnight as required
2. The same for the next day and the return to the Hospital (although that was a last minute curve ball)
3. I just happen to have had similar experiences as P and can help her through it
4. We actually get on great with each other

It's all slightly surreal but I like the fact that she sees me at my calm best and also where I don't worry about things anymore.  She couldn't understand how I'd happily walk away from the "money" in my house.  When I told her that I just wanted to be happy and enjoy my life no matter what that may be she started to "get it".

Sheesh - it's 5 days and it feels like 5 weeks.  I am though very mentally drained as it takes a lot of will power, persuasion and so on to keep overcoming objections, helping get past panic attacks and trying to keep the calm middle of the road logic and non emotional attachments to her particular problems.

I don't know where this is going but as long as she comes out of this with a successful operation and her eyes as good as they can be and that she can overcome her problems and her attachment to the past I think I will be very pleased.  

Just Home

Left a much better person when I left than when I arrived.  Lovely lady, beating herself up about some of her past (nothing she could do about it) and the added problem of having to not drive for 6 weeks after her operation is also giving her some issues. 

I've left her with a promise that I can return tomorrow if needed and probably do some shopping but I've virtually lived around there for the past 4 days!   She's not normally like this she told me and many of her friends agree on that too.  It's been a recent trauma that's done this and she's ended up in a tiny flat that really is small and very claustrophobic which also doesn't help her I think.  I've offered for her to come and use the guest room here for a few days, at least I can keep my eye on her, make sure she gets fed and watered properly etc.  She doesn't want to do that - fair enough.

It's been a lovely evening though and I've cooked for her again and given her some good hearty food.  We just sat and watched a bit of TV listened to some great sounds and lightly chatted but mainly I just encouraged her to think of nothing about the past.  Some deep breathing exercises and a lot of concentrating on her.  So it seems we may be there for tonight at least.

There's a load more rubbish to come I can see that and maybe I can help and maybe I can't.  It will be what it will be.   

And Again

I've just received a nice call.  It's interesting - I sent off a phrase I like to use  a lot.  It is by Anais Nin.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I've been trying to help P out of her current predicament, it is so like myself just a year ago.  So I sent this to start her day and she loves it.  So the call?  She'd like me to come over later this afternoon.  That will be nice - I like meeting her, she's funny when she wants to be, I just need to get her being funny again and to stop beating herself up for her past actions - it was circumstance, not bad planning or decisions that put her where she is. 

Bam - Take That - What a difference a week makes

So - I don't know if I should be telling you this... :-)

But I will.  Last weekend I went out with S & P and asked P out for Lunch which went OK after the puncture and stuff!  We met up that night at my place with S & P and spoke about all things and P was having trouble with her eye that turned out to be a tear and a rip on her retina (A detached Retina).  Not good at all.  She went into Hospital on Tuesday and Wednesday she had to rest up and Thursday have the operation.  I was in touch with her but found she didn't have a lift home on the Thursday afternoon.  SO Now pay attention.

I got a call from her saying that she was waiting to go in for the operation but was having tests and it would be great if I could pick her up from the Hospital and she'd call me as she got out of the operation so I could make my way to Maidstone to pick her up.  She then told me that she'd just been informed that someone should have been with her all day and also someone needed to be with her overnight.  I know what you are thinking but stop that for a moment.

So I suggested that I could do that, I was available over the next few days for a friend.  

It's Saturday evening and I've just had the strangest few days!

I was called in the late afternoon to go to collect her and duly went - it was tortuous as it was rush hour but I got some fuel, some flowers, a get well card and our two roses from St. George's Day and an overnight bag.  I duly arrived and found the ward.  She was on her own lying on her side and had to remain like that for 2 hours.  On the way home I asked if she had any food in?  No she hadn't had time to think let alone do so I puled into Sainsburys and got salad, fruit, cream, antipasto and a selection of cheeses.  This worked great as I was able to pull together a nice salad for the two of us.  

I ended up sleeping on the couch - a more uncomfortable thing I couldn't imagine - it was pretty bad.  In the morning the poor girl was visibly upset and just not with it at all and we finally managed to get organised to go back to the Hospital in Maidstone.  I needed to be back in Tonbridge for my Optician's appointment but more than that I had an appointment in Rochester at 5:30.  I got her to her appointment and she really wasn't feeling at all well by this time (not my driving I hasten to add).  The Nurse took note and I left to drive back to where I'd come from.  I arrived with 5 minutes to spare.  

The optician delivered the message I expected - I need glasses for near, intermediate and long vision.  I knew that I needed something.  So I've also got a big bill coming for a second set of glasses.  They also did a hearing test which also came out that I'm pretty bad in my hearing.  I'd better get that sorted out too in the near future.

So After that I called P and she was going for one more test and check.  I came back to the Hospital and parked up and after 5 minutes she emerged, got her next appointment and I took her towards home.  SHe was hungry so we stopped off at a nice pub in the country called The Chaser.  Returning home we realised that time had run away with us and P needed to see her friend and time was short so I drove here to her friends around teh corner from us.  I then drove her back to her home and after making sure she was alright headed home.

I missed my appointment in Rochester altogether but so did half the others due to a major traffic accident.  

This morning I got a text saying all was great, how much she liked the flowers and everything else which was nice.  I then rang her and all hell had broken loose and some appointment she had had been missed and she was quite distraught about it so I grabbed some food and headed over to her.  I've spent a lovely day in the country with her trying to cheer her up and get her out of a little rut she is in.  I managed to cook a BLT for her to start and then a nice steak with a pudding following that.

So what's the score?  I'm not sure - I think it's all very nice at the moment.  She has a number of issues she needs to overcome and we've worked through them a lot in the past few days and she has ups and downs but that's good as before it was all downs.  She really started to come out of her shell later on in the day and after the meal I'd realised I'd done my job and I made sure she was OK and took my leave of her.  

I really like her, she's intelligent and very funny.  It's not going to be obvious where it is all going we are both a little hesitant at the moment I think but what the hell do I know about these things.  I did try and explain the INTJ predicament to her.  She laughed.  She has my Eckhart Tolle book by her bedside, if she had both eyes it might be OK to read it but the operation has slower her down a bit. 

St. George's Day

It was a difficult start to the morning as we arrived at our station to change to trains to find nothing going on, trains delayed etc.  Someone had been hit or taken their life at a station up the way and so we were delayed.  The great British public can be insensitive at these sorts of times one chap complaining about the lack of correlation between what the driver was saying and what was on the notice boards.  Somewhere some family were just finding out that someone was dead.  

So we were a bit late but that didn't stop us enjoying our day out at The George, Southwark and Langan's Brasserie.

We were home by 9 p.m. we are probably getting too old for the 2 a.m. return from these sorts of things.

I spoke to P yesterday to see how she was.  She is in today to have her detached retina fixed so I imagine she won't be allowed to drive or do many other things for a while.  I've offered her my services if she needs them.  I do feel sorry for her, she hardly needs another problem in her life.

As for me - I'm OK, almost there now, almost have the website built too so I'm happy about that.  Hopefully I can set to work in the next few days.

Oh Dear - Poor P!

I'm cr@p at knowing what goes on in male female encounters by that I mean small talk and flirting.  Not that I can't flirt but I can't actually pick up anything aimed at me.  I have no idea what the lady may be saying to me as I can't interpret it.  It is an age old problem which I'm fully aware of which makes it worse (in some ways) and easier in others.  It means I probably don't react properly or remain quite neutral.  There are many explanations about this but read any classical portfolio of an INTJ personality type and they'll back up what I'm saying.  I just don't get girls.

So here is an interesting conundrum for you.  If I've met one girl 5 times in 4 days and another twice in 3 days then does that make any sums add up?  However yesterday it was a beautiful day for a walk but I didn't get a text back from P who I thought would like a long walk (that's what she said on Sunday).  I'm going down near to her house on Friday to get my eyes checked out.  So I kind of hinted we could meet then.  I've just got a text back saying the poor girl (who was having eye difficulties) is in hospital with a suspected detached retina.  Poor thing. 

Hopefully they can fix her up - I don't know much about these things.  I've offered my assistance if needed.  So I saw P twice over the weekend and S turned up again yesterday when my friend was over to see me and the house.  I think he got quite a shock, she is a tour de force is S.  She reminds me of Queenie (Elizabeth I) in Black Adder or perhaps Patsie in Absolutely Fabulous.  She always looks a million dollars - even if she threw a sack on it would look great - she's always absolutely full of beans and energy too.  I really like her she's great company.  So if I've met her that many times over a single bank holiday weekend - what goes on? :-)

I haven't a bloody clue - it's so very funny I think as I just flounder around trying to work out the dynamics.  I imagine that I read too much in to some things and not enough into others - how very strange but at least I know I have that problem. 

A shaky start but then OK after that

Well, it poured with rain and I grabbed my umbrella and headed off to the pub/restaurant and waited.... and waited and eventually wondered what had happened and I didn't have her phone number so was ringing around for it when... I got a call that I missed but eventually we spoke.  Poor P had a puncture on the way to me.  So she was waiting to get that fixed, didn't have my number and so on.... she was mortified but it was just one of those things.  So I by now had three pints and a fourth had not long been ordered when she arrived.

It was lashing down, it was around 2 pm but I had spoken to the waiter and got a very nice romantic spot in the corner near the Wishing Chair. So we both had a wish :-) we had a nice meal and a long chat, at last.  We then had a walk as it cheered up and then came back to the house and met up with S who didn't fancy and evening in the pub...  So we had a long chat, some coffees some Lemon Drizzle Cake (Mmmmmm) and a few drinks.

I lent P my Eckhart Tolle book so she might be able to focus on some issues she was having.  It was like one long therapy session :-) Quite funny really. I think she left around midnight or thereabouts. So there we go.  Let's see what happens from here on in.

Just Ask ...

I'm terribly bad at asking a straightforward question.  Last night, I finally asked P, as she was in the village visiting her friend in the morning, if she would like it if I bought her lunch.  And she said that would be great and so in a few minutes time I'll head off there and meet her.  I wasn't expecting her to be there last night at all but her friend S who I happened to arrange to meet at the Beer Festival texted her and she was nearby and called in.   Hopefully I read THAT right but I'll find out later in less than 25 minutes in fact :-)

It will be the first time I will get to actually talk to P without shouting at her or her shouting at me across band amplified noise.  I need to get my best listening ears on too.  I always seem to be apologising to her for not hearing her.  

Most people who know me would be surprised that I'm actually pretty quiet normally - unless I know you - then you can't shut me up :-) I'm happy to be getting out and meeting someone new even though it's chucking it down with rain today.  I shall though enjoy my walk to the village and I hope a nice lunch with P to find out more about her.    

Thursday - Feels Like Friday

It's one of our Lodge meetings this evening and I'm Treasurer and have prepared my report for that.  All is in order, audited and I realised that I've been doing the job for about 10 years now!  So I'm going to suggest that I get someone to take over from me so I can do something else. I'd like to give up all my Treasurer jobs but I'm not sure that is going to happen any time soon.

My website proof just came through and I'm excited by the front page already.  It sure is nice.  It is simple and easy to understand and it works nicely on tablets and smartphones too.  Excellent, delighted but I knew I would be with J doing the work.

I have my business partner coming over tomorrow and also an ex business partner too for lunch so I am looking forward to that and taking them to the Beer Festival in the village.  I've also had one of those surreal conversations with a friend who's wife wants me to meet some of her friends.  Now interestingly you may recall they started introducing me to people last August or September.  I've met both of the ladies in question and they are very nice - it is amusing to me that they are like this but I know what it is.  She knows I'm very similar to her now husband (No. 2) and she's impressed at how nice we are, our impeccable manners (someone noticed) and she thinks her friends ought to meet me.  I do so with some trepidation :-) 

Other than that, health remains good, blood pressure normal, still alive living on my own, organised and happy.  Yes above all I'm happy and that's really great :-) 

How annoying

Better find it now than later I suppose.  I have been transferring video from DV 8mm tape onto my PC and found a program that does this for me.  It worked fine until I used the Digital Films which are great as they stamp date and time on but they also load up as separate video clips at each cut in the tape.  Again, no problem as it helps to find places for chapters etc.  What it does though is truncates the audio file on the first clip which means the first clip on the film has video only and no sound.  I wouldn't mind but I'm some 20 hours in advance loading films to producing them and to have found out this glitch is a real pain in the arse.

I am now trying to capture directly into the production software to see if this will work.  It means an even more convoluted routine otherwise to capture video and then edit it!  It's a real nuisance as it means I am limited to the way I work to produce DVDs.

I suppose it is lucky that I found it out now. I've just finished sorting out my mum's negatives they came to over 2,500!  

I've been a busy boy today, shopping early, three loads of washing and now re-doing the videos.  

I've ordered plenty of meat from my supplier for next week and will get that and freeze it all ready for summer - I've got a number of half price steaks and loads of cheap chicken breasts, cheaper to buy in bulk of 5kg a time and I have bought 40 steaks of between 6 and 7 oz each, 2.5 kg of bacon etc.  It makes sense to buy in bulk and freeze so I can just pull it out when I need it.

I'm still having the odd wobbly time doing these DVDs because they are of the kids when they were younger and the nostalgia trip they invoke.  Of course most of the videos are going to be of good times, on a canal boat, on a cruise, by the seaside and so on.  I have to say that the sadness really is about how it could possibly have got from those happy days to where it ended up.  

I'm not unhappy at the moment at all, in fact I'm pretty happy but I do miss being in the same house with Mrs. F. and the girls.  Here isn't the same and I'm on my own a fair bit.  So perhaps I miss the company although, I know people locally and I can get out of here whenever I want to, if I want to.  

Mrs. F. wondered what "I" might want to do next and I really hadn't thought that through.  I said I'd think and get back to her after Easter.  It would be about 3 months then and so perhaps we could agree something to move forward?  I hadn't really given it any thought as I'm too busy being single!

New Film Coming Soon about US Obesity

My only reservation about this film is that the Producer is Laurie David who produced An Inconvenient Truth which is utter bollocks and based on fear mongering and no real substantiated science - even though they said it was.   So in some ways I bet this gets the same treatment but let's see.  At least it is saying something that can be clinically and scientifically proven and that an Occam's Razor test would substantiate.  I find the other bullshit that is based on computer projections and cherry picked data to be an offensive PR exercise that has wasted billions and wants to subject us all to go back to the dark ages without actually having any thought through joined up argument.  But then that's me.

Sugar, man made foods that don't exist in nature and processed foods.  I actually had a small chocolate egg the other day as a treat - it near on flipped me out the sheer amount of sugar in it.  As I don't touch the stuff and eat very little carbohydrates the shock that tiny chocolate gave my body is enough to tell me how dangerous this stuff really is.  

Back to the old house

I had to pick up some stuff for the Easter Egg hunt on Saturday and so had to contact Mrs. F. to go around and collect some bits plus my nice patent leather shoes (for my black tie outfit).  We were civilised and spoke business like about things.  She asked me whether I'd made up my mind what I'd decided to do?  I haven't really but said I'd contact her after Easter and perhaps we could chat it over then.

I still feel quite stirred up about meeting her.  It's terrible really we did have some good times but it is such a shame that we are where we are.  It is disappointing really but there isn't much I can do about it .  Whenever I feel bad I just have to cast my mind back and ask myself what it was like the past 10 years or so and then know that I've made the right decision.  Of course there's always a seed of doubt.  I cannot see that changing for a while because deep down inside I'd love for it to all be fixed and back to normal but it isn't going to happen.  I hate the idea that she's hurting as much as I am but I think we are both in the acceptance stage at the moment.  

Anyway - it's certainly shaken my day around a bit. 

Blood Pressure Back Down To Reasonable

So I thought I'd at least check it out after my little walk to the Post Office and I'm rather pleased that it is back to reasonable at 114 over 89 which is pretty good for me.  Last week it was off the scale for a couple of days and it was a bit of a worry but this is more like it.  I really want it to be around 110 over 80 which would be great.  I'm working at it. 

I've lost some weight around my middle despite my trip to the pub on Friday night and Sunday.  But all work and no play makes Jack a very boring chap.  Both my new pair of trousers and now loose on me and my belt - only three weeks old needs another notch in it!  Doh!  :-) 

Anyway that isn't a problem is it?  Another inch off my waist in a couple of weeks.  I actually feel a little lighter.  I just need to keep this going and see if I can lose some more as we head towards summer.  Flocky's just booked himself a holiday and I suppose I ought to try and work out some time off - I need to get up and see my mum at some time to get some paperwork sorted so maybe I can do that and then see what I can do.

The business is now really becoming real and the web site is being built and I'm hanging out for that before I get trading properly.  I think once that is there I actually have something for people to see.  That's my plan anyway. 

A few more shots of the area

This is on the walk to the Post Office and Shops.  What a lovely sight and what lovely smells along the paths and hedgerows.  This looked particularly nice walking down the street.  The houses are lovely too, 1920 and 1930 style.  It's near the station hence the yellow no parking strips but they are only for one hour a day on either side - it's just to stop the commuters parking there.

That WAS fun

S is a very funny lady, very pretty a real head turner and very funny indeed.  She was on good form and cracks jokes and really enjoys herself whooping and yelling at her band :-)  P is a little more reserved but even so the girls enjoy a bit of a party.

It was funny because S was dressed to kill and as we parked up and walked up to the pub to see the band we ran in to a friend of mine.  His expression was absolutely priceless when he saw the two of us.  He knows my situation and then later on I came out of the pub with S & P together and ran into him again.  I expect that the floor of his car has a large dent where his jaw impacted it :-) 

The whole evening was great and I just love the way people were trying to work out how I could possibly be with two lovely ladies for the evening :-) 

On Sunday the sun shone brightly and I took myself down to the village to have a few beers.  the blossom is out, the birds were singing and it was just a lovely day out.  The pub wasn't busy and the beer was very nice.  They are preparing for the Beer Festival over the Easter weekend - Nice :-) 

This is the lane away from the Station towards the Village

 A Look back up the lane from where I'd come - the Blossom has gone over on these bushes

 Heading towards the Cemetery 

  The Cemetery

 The Cemetery

 The Cemetery

 The Pub Fireplace Circa 1560 which puts this around the time of the Tudors - if these walls could talk?

 The Tiny Bar Area - Mind your head "Duck or Grouse!"

Daisy the Pub Dog - A Zen Master - She Owns the Pub - or thinks she does 

Exciting Evening Ahead

Well I hope it is an exciting evening.  I am picking up S from around the corner, she is the lady who manages bands and one of them, that we saw a few weeks ago, is performing at a pub in Sevenoaks (a nearby town).  Also P will be there and I really like them, they are really nice people.  So I suggested that I will drive tonight as S drove last time.

The band were very good and I imagine it will be quite an evening.  I may take my chances and not wear a jacket - I don't like to take a jacket and then leave it on a chair unattended especially the nice suede one my dad bought for me.  I imagine it will also be quite warm in the pub - it's another 16th century pub with beams and low ceilings so could be quite interesting in terms of acoustics etc.

I hope that the girls might also come up with some more activities over the Easter period.  The Beer Festival is on down in the Village and that sounds positively great with some rather nice local fire water type Ciders and Beers available.   

Let's see how it goes.

Website ordered at last and nostalgia

I finally got around to ordering the website and it was funny that a number of people are surprised that I didn't do it myself having built plenty of websites myself.  Well I need the time.  An expert will take two or three weeks to get it to work and so I'd expect to take double that time and I want the thing in and working so that I can really commence business.  At the moment I need to concentrate on the sales and marketing of the business.

I am now doing some of the more difficult things with capturing video, cleaning it up and burning to DVD.  It seems to be working OK as I am capturing video, scanning and burning DVDs simultaneously. It seems to be working OK.  I am also onto the difficult negatives that have been folded up for years and have a nasty bow in them.  It is taking some time to get them processed but I am trying a few different settings to see if I can get them done quicker.

I still find myself choking up a bit looking at the family videos.  I suppose it was way back in happier days when the children were young.  The one on at the moment was where I set up my own business and was able to take the children to Lapland for Christmas - it was truly magical and when I see how they reacted it was great.  Thinking back I remember Mrs. F. wasn't impressed but then again, as I often say, it isn't about you all the time, for me it was about the kids having a magical time.  It's a bit like whatever you think about Disneyland and I am no fan of it, the wonder and excitement seeing it through a child's eyes is magical indeed.

It is amazing to come across photographs (from my parent's collection) that I've never seen before.  Hopefully we will all get some enjoyment out of these once I've finished.  I've actually completed all the ordinary negatives today and I'm now onto the rolls and rolls of film in another bag having to carefully unwrap and cut it to fit into the scanner.

Healthwise - I feel good, I seem to be losing weight gradually, certainly an inch or two off my waist but of course a beer or two soon starts to put it back on again :-) My blood pressure is a little high but at least I know that and can monitor it.  It was fine a few weeks ago and now seems to be above normal.  Other than that all seems to be well still and I'm still happy and enjoying myself and whilst it has taken me a little longer to get into my business than I'd have liked it does at least give me the opportunity to really understand my business and my competition.  

It seems a long and short time we've been in the house.  It's 10 weeks already!  Now that Spring is here and slightly lighter evenings it really is quite a pleasant place to be - I love the village itself and it feels "just right" as Goldilocks would say :-) Finally I'm happy but I wish these sad feelings would move on - it's just the videos of the children when they were younger and seeing how it used to be - happy, with all our friends and family around us.  I don't think that anyone had a bad time - we all look happy and contended.  I think it is a regret in my head that it isn't like that now. 

That Was A Little Unexpected

Or was it?  I am practising capturing videos and have started on the archive which starts in 1990 when daughter A was born.  I hadn't expected to be quite as emotional as I suddenly feel.  I feel quite choked up about it.  We were happy back then and in many ways up to quite recently.  

That's the one thing that I hadn't banked on when transferring the tapes across.  How very strange it is - I guess it is regret and just upset that it isn't like it was then anymore.  Of course you can't turn the clock back and hey, I'd be some sort of magician if I could tell where it all started to go wrong, but I know it was a long time before I was ill that I started to realise it wasn't great.  

There are some great shots of my mum and dad and my brother and his family too.  Yes, we were happy and life was a little simpler then.  I was about to change my job in a year or so and that changed my life in other ways.  

I hate seeing and hearing myself on camera I've decided.... :-) I also hope that I'll get past this strange feeling of sadness - for what I am looking at isn't sad at all, it's happy days.  The mind is a strange thing sometimes.  I realise that all I am looking back on has happened, it's part of my history and it's there to remind me of happier not sadder days.  

The trick is to live in the moment.  You can't regret the past - it has happened and nothing you can do will change it.  The "Now" is the only reality.  Amazing, I've pulled myself out of the sadness where I started writing.  This happens a lot, I just need to work out what my mind is trying to do and then I can tackle it.  

Website Woes

I suppose I ought to consider myself lucky that I have a number of options to choose from and yet, somewhere along the way, it makes things so much harder to decide what to do.  I hate complexity for complexity's sake.  So the Indian solution jangles my nerves a bit but, of course, these days, websites are interactive things and most code has been written and is out there plying its trade day-by-day in the real world.  In fact you can just make it modular and bolt it together and away you go.

The website needs to be simple and convey information quickly to the customer.  I reckon that's the key and also not to make it difficult to buy although I'm not allowing a customer to press the button and buy without my providing them with an estimate before hand.  

Anyway - it is a good problem to have I think as it will force me down a route that I need to follow for a good few years as I don't want to change it for a long time. It will make me decide whether to have a simple straightforward site or to have one that adds complexity for me but simplicity for my customers.

Out tonight with my old school chums - this time I don't have to drive so can have a few beers :-) excellent - looking forward to that.

Why Is Nothing Easy

Back early from my normal Monday night soiree as there just aren't enough people to make it worthwhile and for some weeks now we have just given up and gone home.  It's a damn shame but whereas 30 years ago there were regularly 20 people on a Monday now we are down to 4 or 5 - it is alarming but we know it's been coming down the tracks - we aren't in a great position to do much about it either at the moment.  

The website is proving difficult for me as I was speaking to some developers in India earlier today and then appear to be able to deliver me a full bells and whistles website which I can use to upload customer's photos to.  That's impressive and I have unlimited hosting so it would work very nicely.  They can do quite a bit for me so I am impressed but I know these guys and they can dither and hang around a bit too. 

I'm pulled because I can probably get three times as much web site for half as much money and yet I trust my graphic designer to do a good job too.  

I have another quote coming at some time - I hope tomorrow so I will see what that will bring.  No one said it would be easy I guess.

I am looking forward to getting started but the web site is now the bottleneck to get things moving.  I think though I can at least work on the introductions and I have some more videos to transfer so I will probably get cracking on those whilst I am waiting as well as the thousands of negatives I was scanning last week. 

Wow - Zonking Coffee

A few posts back Steve gave me a recipe for coffee as I was rattling on about blood pressure and coffee.  Here is the recipe.  Well I can't get quite the same but here is my own take on it.  I use a teaspoon of Coconut Oil (brilliant stuff for cooking and all sorts of reasons see here) I then take some butter I'd estimate this as 2 teaspoons full - I just cut off a 5mm slither and throw it in with the coconut oil.  I then use something like a Colombian or Kenyan Voluptuoso stirring all the time to dissolve the butter and coconut oil.  I then top this off with double cream and stir.  It's stunning and completely decadent :-) 

I have no idea whether it is doing me any good at the moment but wow what a nice start to the morning it made - it wasn't at all oily but then I'm using good unsalted butter and pure coconut oil and it just seems to make the whole thing like a really creamy / milky rich coffee - MMmmmm.

I've lost a good inch off my waist if not a bit more in the last week or so which I am dead chuffed about.  I've really gone into the LCHF diet or should I say lifestyle and just concentrated on thumping into plenty of protein and very very few carbohydrates apart from Saturday where I was out but I didn't touch potatoes but did have a few beers - as long as I don't do that everyday I should maintain weight loss.  Of course I don't have any scales so can't tell how I'm doing it will all be guess work! 

Getting Out Of The House

I had not figured on it but this weekend I am on my own again and so it was interesting that last night I decided I'd take myself off to the pub for a beer.  The locals were a bit rowdy so I had a few beers in one and then a beer in another pub before heading off home through the graveyard - torch in hand - spooky :-)  It is the quickest way home and quite a nice walk really.

I sat and watched the Grand Prix qualifying and watched some background stuff before taking myself off home.  I found out what was wrong with my PC - I should have guessed that I'd filled up the storage doing all this work and that was causing it to behave badly.  i've cleared down  a lot of space now and it is a lot better.  More house keeping to do though to make it run better.

I went out today - just went shopping - I seized a break in the rain to go and recycle all our glass and do some shopping.  It was quite busy which surprised me.  But hey ho....  It was nice to get out and do a little shopping for vegetables and eggs which I've done without for most of this week.  It has had the desired effect as I am losing weight and the trousers and belt I bought last week are an inch too big already.  Mind you I just need to watch out for the beer consumption which will throw weight back onto your middle in a blink.

It was nice to get out and I don't get all het up like I used to when waiting to be served or that people in the queue take a long time to pack.  It's all part of the way it is.  I can't change it so I might as well enjoy it and talk to whoever is on the tills.  A couple of nice smiles and pleasantries is all it takes.  Whilst it is a pain to go shopping it needs to be done so I just enjoy it.  It sure is nice to see my fridge full up with vegetables :-) 

I'm happy but do find living here on my own sometimes a bit quiet and a bit lonely but that isn't going to last for long (I hope) and I can entertain myself and do pretty much what I want so it is just a matter of getting used to it, making up the rules as you go along and enjoying it.

The Weekend Arrives

I'm in two minds about weekends - I ought to get out more but somehow I am trying to avoid the gravitation towards the pub.   I feel I've lost 3 or 4 pounds in a week and most of that is by a serious protein fest, no carbs or very few and I can feel that my trousers, snug last Friday are actually loose now.  I will try on my suit tomorrow as we are off to a Masonic meeting and the last time I went about three weeks ago it was "snug" to say the least.  I have a feeling that I've lost enough to make it comfortable. We will see.

I have turned off both work PCs leaving just this one on.  It is playing up as I've added a second screen to it and also Chrome is misbehaving itself again.  Damn technology!

Well I'd better go get to bed and get ready for tomorrow - looking forward to being an honoured guest once more and getting a nice lunch and a beer or three as I've been a reasonably good boy all week.

OUCH - How Much? Good Grief!

My web site is double what I was expecting to pay for it and I can hardly believe the costs but I've been assured that the reason is that I need to make it work across all platforms and tablets and smartphones are prevalent these days.

Sheeesh.  It is a bit more than I bargained for but I suppose I'll have to go with it.  I have a few days to think about it and then I need to bite the bullet and do it.  I have two others quoting but I know the guy who will do my site and he did all my logos etc.  I've known him a long time and trust him so there's a bit of that in my decision process too.

I suppose it just means I need to bring in more customers to cover the costs.  Anyway, the main thing is that it needs to be done and sooner rather than later. So it's a "bite the bullet" situation once again and hopefully that will be the end of the big spend.  I reckon that I should have taken my own advice and doubled my initial estimates for the investment required.

No More Jazz Nights :-(

Pretty sad state of affairs.  I've been going since 1988 to the Jazz Nights on the 1st Wednesday in the month.  That's 26 years.  It just wasn't getting the support anymore and I'm not surprised as there aren't many of the old timers left that used to frequent the place.

All good things come to an end of course and this is just one of those things and it fits in nicely as the person I usually go with doesn't know I've moved or that I've left Mrs. F. and so it is sort of useful.

It was nice to see my daughter A today for lunch it was OK a little uncomfortable but OK.  It must be difficult for her as it is for me getting used to the new order of things but she went with her mum to Lisbon so they appeared to have had a good time.  I am so pleased about that.  I really really want Mrs. F. to be a friend in the future. It's not as if we've rowed or thrown stuff at each other we just drifted apart and I'd hate for her to be sad - there's no reason to wish her ill  at all.

I've just sent off the web site stuff to my designer, hopefully he will come back with a half decent price for getting my web site off the ground.  Almost there - just need to now concentrate on getting some customers.

FInally A Coffee

A late afternoon coffee and it is day three so all is fine but for some reason my blood pressure is way up on last week's normal readings?  Not sure but I'm going to keep my eye on that it shouldn't be that high at all.  If it is stupid for a long time I will have to get myself checked out.  The coffee doesn't appear to have done much difference really, nominal.

I've spent the day sorting the words for my web site and all my service offerings out.  Almost there now I think just a few more tweaks, tidy the documents up and then send out to my man and a few other suppliers.

I hope it won't cost me too much - hopefully as the heavy work is done and I've written all the copy it should be a straightforward case of a design and then to inject the words and photos.  

That's the plan anyway.

My diet is beginning to kick in and I can taste the "Atkin's breath" as I've gone almost fully onto a protein only diet at the moment to kick start the process of losing some more weight. I feel that I've lost a few pounds in the last week as my belt that I bought last Friday isn't holding my trousers up :-) so I've gone from XXL to XL in a few days which is interesting.  Mind you I need to get back to losing weight regularly and as it is coming on to summer I will be able to eat lots more salads too.  

I'm very content with my lot at the moment.  My daughter A is coming over tomorrow so she can see the house and we can then go for a spot of lunch for her birthday.  I need to lose a spot of weight but I have new clothes, new outlook, a new business and I'm really looking forward to getting started now.