Twelve Years Ago Today

Yes, it's been twelve eventful years since that day that I arrived at my Hotel and went to the toilet, only to discover that I was urinating a stream of blood.  The World Cup was on as I recall and I think we were beaten by Portugal.  I spent the next few days in disbelief as I continued to show signs which heaven knows were distressing enough and yet, I didn't feel unwell at that point.

This blog is a testimony to the NHS who sorted me out, the good, bad, ugly and indifferent, the highs and the lows, those who helped and those who shied away, those who came on the journey with me and those who did not.

It's a journey of love, hope and charity.  Amazing lows and extreme highs.  Looking back, I had one hell of a ride and much of it not caused by Cancer directly.  Sure the treatment was a challenge and dealing with mortality and other consequences but I didn't expect my head to have to go through all of that nonsense and of course, there were consequences of my marriage ending (not direct) and the realisation that I had to dig myself out of the "hopeless" space I was in.  I say hopeless but it lies in each of us to be able to get out of that blackest of spaces.  

Today, I'm a little down in the mouth, it's the day after 2nd July that it all kicked off.  It's the 3rd July today and the anniversary of my father's death through Pancreatic Cancer and tomorrow, it's my birthday. 

The overwhelming message is that it is great to be alive, you can cure Bladder Cancer although you do tend to live with the threat a lot more as I get checked every 6 months for recurrence.

If you've just been diagnosed, I hope that you will be encouraged that things get better and the main thing is don't think it is going to get fixed in a day, it takes a while longer than that and you have to bear with it whilst they sort you out.  Get your head into a good space if you can, relax and remember that you can help yourself as much as your team helps you through good diet, precautionary measures and keeping your head in gear too.  

A Qualified All Clear

I have to say that hydrating for a few days beforehand and using arnica seems to work in lessening the after effects of the flexible cystoscopyy.  I also use yoga breathing and just before i have the procedure, 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen which kick in about 10 minutes afterwards.

The procedure took longer and I did sneak a look at the monitor because my consultant saw what she felt was most probably an old biopsy scar. It didn't "look like a tumour" and so we agreed that rather than an operation to investigate, we would reconvene in 3  months to check it out.

I'm ok with that.  It's been almost 12 years since original diagnosis.  I'm still happy to be here and although those these scopes are challenging, they keep a good eye on me.

Creeping Up On You

It does that, every now and then you get a blast of depression, not the huge overwhelming stuff you had years ago but a sort of deep-seated fear in the pit of your stomach.  

Now I'm guessing that a series of events came up together to do this.  I always get a "bit cranky" at this time - my 6 monthly (more like 8 monthly this time) scope is tomorrow at 10 am.  SO I know I'm not looking forward to that in terms of the procedure and also there is always a nagging doubt when you go in case it isn't the news you actually want to hear.  On top of that, last night on BBC1's Panorama was a piece about the late Tessa Jowell who died earlier this year of a Brain Tumour.  She used he position in the House of Lords and as an ex-MP to build awareness for the disease and to champion the benefits of the various trials that were going on so that sufferers had access to them.

It was during that programme where a young chap was talking to his daughter who was upset about his tumour and that it had changed a bit as his left side was now paralysed and it was that part of the programme that did for me really.  I recall my daughters and how brave they were and once having a conversation with them some years later where, bless them, they thought I was going to say that the cancer had come back - I wasn't going to say that at all but you can see what they were thinking...  I'm pretty choked up writing this now because often it is the effect on your family that you also have to deal with.  Obviously, you are dealing with your own problems but having children and loved ones also dealing with it is traumatic too.

It's unlike me to get quite as emotionally strange as I am today because normally I go into myself and become quiet and try and remain peaceful and yet today I do feel quite disturbed.  

I should be happy really that I am being checked and looked after and that I feel as well as I do.  It's funny what the mind will do to itself.  I feel that I will need to go do some yoga breathing and just empty my mind for a while to get me past this.

Infrequent Posts - Just a memory now

Bladder Cancer is just a memory now and I suppose I only think about things two or three times a year - normally around scope check up time (which must be due soon).

I'm just writing because someone I know is under the knife today for Bowel Cancer.  He's lucky in that they've found it, it's operable and they've got him in very quickly which is great news.  He wasn't looking forward to it, who does but at least they will be able to sort him out and he can move on.

I had a chat about the mind stuff and trying not to rush or push things too early on. 

Life goes back to normal - it takes a while, it is all consuming at the beginning and then it all settles down and you get back to normal - whatever normal is :-) 

Goes the day well - another clean bill of health

Well that was good.  A later appointment meant that I dosed myself up with Paracetamol and ibuprofen before heading off to the Hospital and used Arneka last night, this morning and just as I had the flexible cystoscope with another round of painkillers.

A little stinging and that's about all and an all clear again.  11 years or more now.  Delighted with progress and hopefully a boost to all of those who might be starting out on the Bladder Cancer journey that there is life beyond it even though you have to carry on being checked out for the rest of your life.  Very pleased with the result.  Another 6 months until the next one.

Sixty - Not Out

I had a few moments to myself this morning and realised that I'd not put anything on this blog for a while and I hadn't marked my "anniversary" of the 2nd July - when I first had the real presentation of my Bladder Cancer.  That was 11 years ago and I turned 60 on the 4th July.  July is always a bit weird anyway as the 1st in my mother's birthday, the 2nd, the day I knew something bad was happening to me, the 3rd was the day my father died (can that be 5 years ago?) and the 4th is my birthday.

I hardly even thought about it this year and that's the message of this blog post really, after a while other things will occupy your mind and you get back on with life and living.  I'm really quite lucky, I've moved into a lovely house in the country and have fields all around me, sheep grazing in the field at the back.  I've got my health back, I'm happy and whilst I still work, I don't have to knock myself out to do that either. 

We went away for my birthday to somewhere I've always wanted to go.  Here is a picture of the view from the Hotel we stayed at - and no, it's not Photoshopped or doctored in any way. It's in Wales and I could tell you whereabouts but afterwards, I'd have to shoot you :-) 

Clearly a Delay - but still ALL Clear

It's always great to hear your Consultant saying "good, good, that's good... Yes, All clear!"  However the last time I heard that was, surprisingly, in January 2016....  That's the last time when I had to go in for a potential biopsy only to be told that after they'd knocked me out there was nothing there.

It was only a week or so ago that it dawned on me that I hadn't heard from the Hospital and so I rang them yesterday to firstly let them know that I was moving (at long last my partner and I are moving out to a semi rural house).  I then just happened to mention that I'd not heard anything about having a flexible cystoscopy.  They rang back within the hour and offered me an 8:15 a.m. appointment so I was a little shocked at that as believe me we are in chaos packing up the contents of two houses and trying to make them fit into one!

It was all very good, I got there early and parked, had lots of water - perhaps 2 pints by the time I walked in and was seen straight away with an apology for the delay.

My consultant wanted to know if I wanted to transfer away to a nearer hospital but I declined as I know and trust my Consultant.

The main thing is all is clear and I'll be seen again in 6 months.

Hard to Believe - TEN years today

Ten years ago today I presented with the classic symptoms of Bladder Cancer and my life changed forever.

Within weeks I had life saving surgery and within that first year I had been scanned and had a second duplicate operation.  I didn't think that I'd make ten years but hoped for five.  I was concerned that I'd not see my children grow up, Graduate and go on to live their life as adults.  I hadn't really thought then that I'd lose my marriage but it gradually crept up on me and now I'm almost divorced.

However, I'm here, alive, living in a post Cancer world and I'm in pretty good health.  I'd like to be slimmer and fitter than I am at the moment and I'm back on course to lose the weight I've piled on this past two or three years since I left the marital home and setup on my own.

To anyone who is newly diagnosed or perhaps in their first  or second year of treatment - it gets better and the intrusion on your life gets less.  I hardly think about having had Cancer these day unless a song, film or TV Programme remind me. I still have six monthly check ups and as recently as January this year have had to have an operation to investigate a red mark in my bladder - the third such false positive I've had.  Of course, the main thing is that as upsetting as these things are, it is better to have the operation to remove all doubt than to suffer a relapse.  I've forgotten how many operations I've had in ten years - I'm going to estimate it at around 12 or 14.  I've had BCG treatments and think that they are around the 24 to 32 mark.  With the other procedures we are talking a long time attending hospital and waiting around or just lying down recovering.

The fallout from the treatment was probably the worst of it all.  Even today I'm still tired and can drop to sleep in an instant.  There's no doubt that the treatment is exhausting but if you think that they were using the body's own defence mechanisms to fight the cancer it is perhaps understandable.

I finally feel that I'm mentally on the right track too these days.  For the past three years I've been in a much better place.  A lot of that is to do with my attitude to everything and I think after I read Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' it helped me to get rid of the emotional and head baggage I carried around all the time.  I don't have that weight on me anymore.  It takes a little doing but I no longer carry around any of the 'problems' I used to have.  I have a clear head which is great.  There's nothing for my mind to chew over and get wound up about.  I don't worry about the past or the future.  The past is over, the future hasn't happened and the only place to live is here (in the Now).  

I'm grateful to the medical professionals who treated me and to everyone who supported me. I' delighted that the blog might is some small way help.  Here's to the next 10 years and lets hope continued health and well-being.  

Regrets?  Yes well my marriage - my Ex really looked after me and held it all together and all I did was walk out on her but there's more to that than I want to say here.  It's all amicable (as these things can be) and after almost three years things get back to 'normal'  whatever you perceive normal to be.

So ten years on, I'm here where some of my friends and my father are not, in their cases their cancers were aggressive and not operable or treatable.  The advances in treatment though are impressive, let's hope that continues and more people recover or are cured altogether. 

Life after cancer?  You bet, things are great.  I hope within the year to have moved from rented accommodation to owning a place somewhere semi-rural away from all the hustle and bustle where nature is right at your doorstep and I can enjoy the life I've now got back.  What good is it if you survive and don't take full advantage of the life you've been given back?

There's hope, there's light at the end of the tunnel.  You must do your bit too and work with your medical team.  You'll have to sort your own head out - they don't do that.  If anything over the ten years it was the head f*** that I had the problems with.  In the UK there really isn't much to help you (or there wasn't ten years ago).  It's a hell of a roller coaster ride and after ten years it's just about stopped apart from twice a year when I go to get checked out - these "judgement days" (Thanks for naming our flexible cystoscopies that Steve Kelley).  It is the only time that I think about the possibility of recurrence which, given ten years after presenting with cancer is a remote possibility.  The longer you go without a recurrence the better chance you have of full recovery. 

Life's good....

Cancer - Some interesting information

I know that Mercola isn't everyone's "cup of tea" but there are some real nuggets of information that come out and this one about Cancer really struck my eye today.  There is a piece right at the bottom about what sugar does.

It's time we started taking the advice about sugar seriously.  A recent report here in the UK looked at some of the sugar content of over the counter drinks - they were frightening with sometimes up to 20 teaspoons of sugar in a soft drink...

Could it be that carbohydrates really are the bad guys?  

ALL CLEAR - Third False Positive - Blood Pressure Normal - What Can I Say?

Pleased but what a horrible couple of weeks.  My Blood Pressure was truly off the scale even after medication but (not surprisingly) as they tested me post operation was back down to more reasonable and acceptable levels.  The nurses were suitably impressed.  I hope that stays like that so I can show my GP in a weeks time.

The cannula was put in at my wrist which means I can't actually wear my watch at the moment :-) The Day Unit was perhaps the best environment I've been to - you walk to Theatre and I kind of realised that all was OK as I was coming around quite fast.  My Consultant told me that she couldn't see the red patch she had seen at the Flexible Cystoscopy in December.  

That's the good news from all of this - it's still clear, has been clear for years despite now three of these false positives.  Maybe we need to "manage" these better as the cost of an Operation must be more than of a Flexible Cystoscopy and perhaps if they see a red patch again they can follow up in a few weeks. Perhaps I need not empty my bladder so fully - I still believe the scope enters the bladder and hits the bladder wall making these red marks.

I can do without having Operations of course but - at least the outcome is positive.  That's the main thing.

For now I'm continuing the Baking Soda/Bicarbonate of Soda once a day.  I'm keeping away from Carbohydrates and I'm back on my no beer regime :-( well infrequent beer regime.  It's quite interesting drinking water most of the time :-) I've also dropped off nearly all Carbohydrates in my food - the weight is beginning to fall off.  So that's no potatoes, pasta, processed foods, no root vegetables, no cakes, pastries, sweets, beer, biscuits and so on.  I am ashamed to say that in the last 2 years I've put back all of the weight I lost and so I need to start again and this time keep on it for good - my Blood Pressure and overall health are, after all, important to me and just tweaking my lifestyle isn't too much of "an ask".

Anyway, clear, phew, scary as shit to have thought it might have come back again but perhaps the shot across the bows I needed to halt my eating and drinking the wrong stuff?

Ten Minutes to the Off

Ten minutes until we head off to Hospital.  After the pre-assessment pointed out I had high Blood Pressure I had to arrange to get meds to sort that out and got a new Doctor in the process - one I actually like - he is serious and humorous at the same time if that is possible.

Anyway - here we go again - a Rigid Cystoscopy to see what the 'Re Mark' actually is - not long to wait to find out....

Assessment and Operation Days set

OK so I have to go to the Pre-assessment this Thursday at 3.  Of course it is in the Hospital with no real Car Park!  How can they have rebuilt it with less car parking?  The operation is scheduled for the 25th January and a start time of 07:30 and you can bet that I'm going to get this checked this time as the last two times as well as on other occasions I've been there and not had the procedure until the late afternoon all under 'nil by mouth' conditions.  I'm not having that again as it is just stupid to dehydrate someone who actually needs to get passing liquids through them as soon as possible after the procedure!

I'm glad that the Cytology is all clear - that bodes well for the operation and any biopsies they may take.

Mixed Results

Now this has happened before so I'm not overly concerned apart from the whole going back through the procedure all over again.

The mixed results are that the Cytology shows all clear, yet the Cystoscopy shows a small red mark although everywhere else is clear. Upshot is an operation in the New Year for a biopsy to be taken. It has happened twice before when they operated they found nothing there so let's hope that is what they find this time. Still let's be upbeat about this they don't take chances and even though it is uncomfortable it is far better than the alternative.....

Judgement Day

That was nice, got a call to book the appointment although they then changed the date but an early one this time 08:15 and back at the Private Hospital as the equipment isn't working at Beckenham Beacon and so it is Shirley HIlls which means I can get parked and it is nicer so I feel a lot less stress there.  I also know it will be my Consultant who will do the procedure so again, it all means that things will go smoothly.

18th December at 08:15 - here's hoping for a winning streak and another all clear.

Where's all the time gone?

It's been a long time since I wrote here.  All is well, I feel good and I'm getting on with my life.  Today, for the first time in a very long time, I felt all tearful for no reason whatsoever.  It was very strange indeed and whilst I had a reminder about how ill I looked some years back :-) that was a few weeks ago.  I don't think much about my past problems at all these days.  It hasn't gone away, it's just that I don't dwell on it any more.

So I wandered back over to here to report the strange occurrence - which I have to say took me back somewhat as this hasn't happened for a couple of years.  Of course then I realised that I'm away this weekend and it's around 2 years ago that I separated from Mrs. F.  How time flies.  Is it to do with that old life I finally broke away from I wonder?  

I missed that

For the first time in a long time I've realised that I'd forgotten the date that I first showed signs of Bladder Cancer (it was the 2nd July I remember that).  I think that I'm now getting to that tipping point where current things are more important than the past and I am beginning to forget the past and leave it behind me.

I remember every now and then of course I do when I hear someone else talking about their own problems I remember mine for example but it isn't holding me back any longer and neither is it guiding my future like it did.

I suppose I could go and look it up and see what year it was or I could calculate it but frankly - I'm not bothered to do it - it isn't really important.  What IS important is that I am still here, I survived and I am going forwards and I'm still in reasonable health I like to think.

All Clear Once Again - Delighted With Progress

It is amazing to think that It's been almost 9 years since I was diagnosed.  I went back today to that same Hospital (the first time since) and I'm delighted to say that once again my flexible cystoscopy was all clear.  That's just great news and must be 7 years since the last signs (despite the two false positives resulting in operations that found nothing).

So it's all continuing to look good and long may that continue.

Surprised that it's been so long

My word, it's been 3 months since my last posting here.  To say I've been somewhat busy is an understatement but life's changed (again) and I'm fully occupied on a few projects and that's OK.  

Within the next few weeks things should change once again and I can set course on a new direction.  I'm perfectly healthy and feel great but losing a few friends this year has been difficult as it "wakes me up" to realise how lucky I've been myself and that I'm still here.  They were not so lucky, if indeed luck has anything to do with it.....

Is It Really That Long? Anniversary and a Sad Day

It is 1 year and 2 days since I moved out of the old house.  I didn't think I'd be here for a year but here I am and there's little chance of moving on as the house fell through just before Christmas and we have to start all over again.  With my stuff in storage my finances become stretched but there you go.

The business www.unlockmypast.com is now launched and I've been doing real work this week on Cine and VHS conversions plus some photo scanning so that's great.

Yesterday was not so great as a friend lost his battle with Bile Duct Cancer.  Just 48 years old and a lovely, beautiful man he was too.  It's somehow unfair that the "good guys" tend to get ill and die. 

In other news after a 6 year battle in one case and a 5 year battle in another and a 1 year battle - I finally got the bank to change all three accounts (and link them together).  You cannot believe the utter utter nonsense I've gone through with this.  I've one person left 6 years ago and they are still sending stuff to him.  Another one died and "No, I'm sorry I can't get him to sign the mandate to change".  I've been awfully patient as the call centre chap said to me.  Of course, it makes me angry but it's no use getting all upset with these things any more.  All I do now is take a breath and just keep it friendly and level tempered and finally I got the results needed.

My health is good and I would though rather have been looking to move to my own place soon.  Unfortunately that isn't going to happen and renting is expensive so I could do with getting that sorted out.

I hope that I can attract some more business but as usual it is difficult to do sales and operate the equipment at the same time so life is busy for sure.  It's nice to get some work under my belt though and I feel I've really achieved something this week.

I hope my next blog is a little sooner than a month like this one! :-) 

Christmas In A Box

I think I've done my usual this year and got everything delivered to me.  I don't get the "attraction" of pounding around crowded shops to buy your Christmas Gifts when someone has set up a business that allows me to see what I want from the comfort of my own home and allows me to have Christmas come to me, including all the food too.

Today, the food arrives and the last of the presents (I hope).  I am looking forward to symbolically turning the corner and getting aligned for 2015.  I've given over this year and rightly so.  It's time to chill out and relax and then to be ready for 2015 and moving things onwards.  

Of course the 1st January is a day just like any other day but you can use it to make changes I think and from that point of view it will help to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  

I did find last year quite a strain and it was all a bit "put on" as I knew what was happening even if half the people didn't!  New Year was horrible but this year it will be better even though I'm not "in my own home" as this place is a halfway house not a home.  

So here it comes, Christmas in a box and we have a couple of things to do and then we can press on and tackle 2015.  

Still Around

Well - that's over a month without posting here.  I guess there isn't a lot to say as I'm busy launching the business.  Other people are busy having their own fight against Cancer and me?  I'm doing fine, getting on with life and things are happening but altogether slowly at the moment.

The house sale fell through and I ended up with all my stuff in storage and so I'm hemorrhaging cash at the moment until the house gets sold.   I'll have been here a year next month and that doesn't seem quite possible but there you go - a year ago I was hunting for a flat. 

Christmas will be with P and her family which will be nice.  Looking forward to that and New Year we are off to a Hootenanny which once again I'm seriously looking forward to.

Next year is going to be different, I can feel it in my bones.  I just need to get my head around the business and move on - it's not difficult to do that it is however fragmented as the odds and ends that need tidying up get sorted out.  The segways they take you on sometimes hardly seem worth the immense effort expended (yes I'm talking to you HMRC).

And Another

It seems to be a bad year as another friend has Cancer and this time it's Prostate and needs an operation.  I wonder if that's why P was worried about me - I was sitting down and in my own little world and flashing back to everything that happened to me and then trying to imagine what my friends will have to go through.

You so quickly forget what it was like and I think the mind/brain is very good at locking this stuff out but when you go back and dip in you remember the frightening bits, the worry, the discomfort (for they have stuff for pain), the re-living of all those whom you've known have Cancer and the good and bad bits of course.  You can't actually be human if you don't actually know someone who has suffered from, is being treated for or has died of Cancer.

So this week's been very strange for me as I've remembered things (no doubt recorded in the early parts of this blog) that I'd suppressed and hidden.  Having been through (I think) it is 11 or 12 operations with Bladder Cancer and about the same number with my ear problems when I was a kid it I can relate to what is going to happen to my friend and my other friend having Chemo I can understand his dilemma too, I think I had 36 Immunotherapy treatments.  I can't now recall how I felt at the time as my head has destroyed it.  I can read about it but I don't actually relive the experience and that's so strange.

Operations and treatments are intensely personal experiences and you live through them and sometimes they aren't what you were expecting and whilst I was pretty grossed out to have tubes in and out of my body and all sorts of strange things shoved into me it was necessary and my medical team were there to heal me and get rid of the Cancer.  The treatments I recall were in many ways worse than the operation to remove the tumours.  

The operation is over and done with and you wake up with the work done whilst you weren't awake.  Sure you feel groggy as hell and you have sufficient pain killers to make sure you don't feel bad and you can always ask for more etc.  Treatments tend to be done whilst awake and come one after the other meaning just as you recover from one, you feel great for a day before they treat you again and you go back to feeling rough again.  I likened it being kicked in the balls once a week for six weeks. Just as you got over one you went back and started all over again.

Yes it's been a strange week remembering my history of operations and treatments but having said that it was uncomfortable and if you've read some of the earlier stuff you'll know that it's no easy ride and it isn't for wimps.  I was a wimp to start with but I wanted to be cured and I wanted to live.  I was determined to see the treatment through and trusted in my consultant and the team (with a few documented exceptions).  

Overridingly though, I'm still here and it's got to be 8 years and around 6 years clear.  Every minute, hour and day takes me into longer being clear, less likelihood of recurrence and a fitter healthier life.  

I've now a new lady in my life and life is really exciting again.  It's a little rocky as we've both got baggage but who wouldn't have after 50 years on the Earth :-)  I can see a life ahead of me that I wouldn't have had had it not been for the dedication of my health team and the care I was given.

It's a rocky road and your head interferes and messes with your senses and the little voice in your head tries to depress you but don't listen to all that.  Today's techniques and drugs and more of us living through Cancer should be encouragement.

I was re-reading a book the other day and it reminded me that Cancer cannot survive in alkaline and sugar free environments.  I do need to go "eat my own dog food" though as I haven't been adhering to my diet for the past 6 months and I must get back to it. 

Good luck to my friends in their treatment though.  The big lesson from being under the NHS was that it is a wonderful organisation but it moves at its own speed you cannot rush it.  Likewise it takes longer than you think to recover and get "back to normal" so don't try to rush it and don't do what I did by rushing back to exercise and putting myself back weeks.

Then a Friend Gets Cancer

And it all comes flooding back and no matter how hard you try it affects you.  My friend has Bile Duct Cancer and needs chemotherapy before they can do anything.  It's not a great situation especially as they told him he didn't have cancer and then changed their minds....

He's a lot younger than I was when I got Bladder Cancer.  I had a chat with him earlier in the week and he's in good spirits and we chatted generally about treatment, time taken to get things done and his pain management.  I was suggesting that he might like to get some soups and the like in as may not actually feel like eating after treatment.  Let's hope he does OK and everything works out.  As he is young they (the professionals) are throwing the book at him.

It's made me feel quite strange this week.  Bile Duct is quite a rare Cancer and so let's hope that they sort him out.  The worst part is his brother died just a month or two back of a brain tumour.  He had to go tell his dad that he had cancer.  How awful.  

Flexible Cystoscopy - All Clear and No Stinging

I thought I'd write this quickly as for the first time ever, I've not had any stinging or any pain following my flexible Cystoscopy so maybe this may help for anyone in the future going through it.

Firstly, it is most important that you relax when having the procedure.  Today I was with my new friend and partner P who accompanied me (I normally go alone).  SHe is a very calming influence but we talked about yoga breathing and so I did my usual deep breathing exercises breath in, hold for a long slow count of three and slowly exhale.  Whilst I knew I was tense I made a real effort to de-stress as I went into the room.  Relaxing isn't easy I grant you but I'm an old campaigner now and I know what to expect.   

I use stress balls to grip onto but I relaxed my body.  It feels like you want to urinate when they put the scope in and so I just went with that as if I was urinating and just let it go.  Things were fine even my consultant noted how relaxed I was.  The whole procedure was over and done with - it was as usual uncomfortable but not painful.

P told me to use Arnica which is what she used with her eye operations.  I'm a bit of a sceptic but had two lots (2 tabs under tongue) last night, One lot first thing and one just before the procedure (alongside my usual 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen).  I had two more as I was driving home and I have to say it seems to have worked wonders.  I have just been to the toilet and lo and behold no intense stinging at all.  You can feel it is different but no stinging which is amazing as I've never had that before.

So there we go - another 6 months, another all clear and life carries on - which is great.  

Belongings

I popped around to see Mrs. F. who has sold the house and has found a new place, a lot smaller, to live in.  I feel bad about it but there you go, it's progress.  I had to be in attendance to make sure that the Piano was moved out and it has gone to its new home in Sussex.

I then had to go through a lot of my stuff to see what I want to keep and so on.  I've taken photos and so on to allow that to happen.  As Mrs. F. will move to a smaller place there is a lot of furniture that she just wont need - it wont fit and I'm not sure about the total cost of storage for it either.  It's a bit of a catch 22 as I want to keep my books but do I want to store the bookcases.  In a few months the cost of storage will reach the cost of buying new.... So I'm having to do an exercise to rationalise all these thoughts.  I do hope to keep the Victorian Table and Chairs - it seats 14 and is built, as were all things in those days, to last.  

At least things are moving on that front.

Judgement day looms and I hope that it goes well for what else can you do?  I'm not being as rigid with my diet as I should but I'm back to losing weight gradually and sensibly now that P is healthy and has put some weight back on.

I've also been lumbered with a number of little jobs that are stealing my time when I should be launching my business....  The worry is that the money I have left is evaporating a little too fast for my liking but it is controllable - just.  More effort after this week is essential.

Six Days to Judgment Day

Judgement Day (shamelessly stolen from Steve's blog HERE!) is just 6 days away.  I can feel the tension rising.  I know that I've actually not stuck as rigidly to my diet as I should have although I'm now getting back on track.  It's very difficult to be looking after someone and feeding them up and at the same time trying not to feed yourself up.

Both P and I have been in the wars as such and She will be attending Hospital the day before me to see how her Cataract Operation has worked out.  She doesn't think it is anywhere near an improvement which is a worry as after her Detached Retina Op, the Cataract grew rapidly :-(

The next morning it is my turn to get checked out.  I can feel some tension no matter how "well" I feel.  It is interesting though that for the past few weeks I've been having the hot flushes I had when I had treatment - that's weird indeed.

Life is indeed crazy and we were away this week to Cambridge to see L my youngest daughter's Graduation - which was a wonderful affair although she managed to send me to the wrong end of Cambridge altogether so I had to rush to get to the Ceremony in the centre where I hadn't long been before.  It was a day of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as P was then waiting for me in the centre of Cambridge and I was back on the outskirts as the second part of the celebrations were held on Campus.   

It is always nice to be in Cambridge though, I like it but I'm not sure I'd like to live there, it is just so busy with tourists, locals and of course, students.

What On Earth Has Happened To Me

My life is in utter turmoil - lol.  Goodness knows I don't know what day it is, what month it is or anything some days and the emotional roller coaster of being back in a relationship is not doing my INTJ personality any good at all.  

I'm not very good on the emotional (someone else's) point and things are often awkward and difficult as I just don't "get" what the problem is.  It's very difficult when you hear a statement and take it on board rather than emphasising with that person.  I mean, if you have a headache and tell me well that's a fact and that's that.  Apparently not!  I'm meant to do something with that data rather than just noting it.

Maybe I'll get the hang of that later on in the relationship.  It's pretty much up most of the time with the occasional OMG moments....

I'm sure it will be OK in the long run - if I ever work out what the signals actually are :-)

Where is time going to?

Back from France, went up North to my cousin's for his 40th birthday then he came down here. P had her Cataract operation on Tuesday and now I've got my Flexible Cystoscopy on the 24th October at silly O'Clock - well it is 9:15 but it is at the same place I went to last time and so I need to make sure I get there on time.  It is a bit difficult as it is near Croydon which can be a bit busy at rush hour.

The last time I went was earlier this year and I got there nice and early and sat in the car with my music so it wasn't so sad.  This time P says she will come with me - not sure about that as I've been on my own many times before and I'm a bit quiet and grumpy - oh well let's see how that goes.

Head spinning times

Good grief where did that month go?  France for 2 1/2 weeks, a quick turnaround and off to my mum's then on to my cousin's.  What a month.  It doesn't stop there, we are off again to Canterbury for a wedding soon too......

In amongst all of this I'm about to launch www.unlockmypast.com and at the same time P and I are having serious discussions about the road ahead!  It's time for some key decisions about what we want to do, where we want to go and so on.  It's a matter of nailing our colours to the mast and just getting on with it.  From my side I'm beginning to squeak as my money goes out and little comes in although I do have my first 2 paid jobs! At least it is a start and I'm hoping that P & I can get this up and running fast.  We are also looking at the long term and what we want.

Mrs. F. has put the house up for sale and let's hope that it gets some interest.  It would be good if we can get some takers and perhaps I can then start to sort myself out on that front too.

Anyway - it's nice to be busy and it's nice to finally be getting somewhere with the business but the social life is really getting in the way - I just haven't stopped for months - it's great but so time consuming too :-)

Onwards and upwards and let's also hope that my Cystoscope appointment will come through quickly too.  I really want to get that over and done with sooner rather than later.

Try Before You Buy?

I got in BIG trouble for saying that but in some ways I felt that P would be able to see me in a different/new light on holiday and could make her mind up about me.  In some ways I suppose it is a bit of a crude way of saying that it was a bit of an acid test.

Well, we didn't kill each other but neither was it totally plain sailing either, it wasn't likely to be we are quite similar/different (yes I know).  We are very similar in some ways and diametrically different in others.  But having said that, it is never going to be plain and simple - ever.

We had a great holiday in the French Pyrenees with some amazing times and lovely memories especially driving through the Gorges around the studio where we stayed.  We start next week (we have to go to a 40th Birthday this weekend and so are off again!) building the business and I hope a new life.  We are certainly far more comfortable with each other and chilled after the holiday but wished that it could have been a week or perhaps even two longer.

We had a small, intimate Studio apartment, a small plunge pool and were in a very small, off the beaten track French Village of just a few dozen inhabitants and the occasional car would drive by counted on the fingers of one hand in a day.  Just idyllic and just right.

I'm now doing 15 days washing and ironing :-) There's always a down side.

Whilst I was away the Hospital rang with an Appointment for a Flexible Cystoscopy resulting from a cancellation - that was a shame because I would have taken that but now have to wait my turn.  P had her Cataract operation cancelled and moved back a few weeks now too and so we will both be having procedures in around October I guess.

Here are some photos of the Studio.....

So France = Here We Come

At last the eve of going to France - gee, it's been a wobbly old ride for me - I'm used to structure and order and this hasn't been structured and ordered but we are getting there.  To consider that at one time I got two days notice to go a week and a half I suppose has been good even though I've had to expand the time we are away as P doesn't really do early mornings.  Me, I'm used to them and getting up at 4 or earlier are OK.  Tomorrow it's a leisurely start and a slow drive down to Le Shuttle and then down to Chartres.

The next day down to Cahors and the next day into the Pyrenees.  I'm looking forward to some real time with P and for us to start to really get to know each other without some of the pressures we both have.

Mrs. F. has put the house on the market and has spoken to a solicitor and got some advice (it sounds good to me anyway) and hopefully we can get the sale of the house and all that good stuff under way.  That will make a big difference to me as I just frightened the life out of myself looking at my savings.  I've put a lot of my money into the business and into the house here (renting isn't a great idea!).   

The business should be ready to go when we get back and I'm targeting the 1st week in October.  I need to hit the Christmas market for unusual gifts I think and this may just be the right time to do that.  The web site is now visible to the outside world.....  Way Hay!!!

If you want to have a look here it is Unlock My Past - it works with smartphones and tablets (resizing) and I'm hopeful that it will soon start attracting visitors.  I may blog when I'm away, we have WiFi but in reality I hope I don't have time for that.  :-) 

2 days and a welcome break

Off on Thursday to France and taking it easy with a slow drive down there.  Not my preferred method - I like to do one long drive and one short but this way we are going to do a slow drive and take three days there and three days back.  It's a reasonable thing to do.

We, P & I, want to spend some real time together as we tend to be doing or tackling things mainly to do with her situation and a bit of mine and whilst we are together it is quite "business like" I suppose.  There's a number of things that need to be tackled including the business and how much effort needs to go into that.  Where to and how to live and so on.  At the moment we are, to all intents and purposes, living together but in a strange way as I am in a shared house with my friend and it isn't exactly how I want it to work either so perhaps we can work out all these things.  

We are now being addressed as a couple and have invites and the like from a number of people for both of us so it is all a bit strange I have to say :-) 

I'm sweating on some stuff from Amazon that I thought was under my Prime (next day) account but wasn't - I need it for the trip and so I have to make a few contingency plans in case they don't arrive today - they were all dispatched last week so fingers crossed. 

I'm feeling quite well but we've had the most incredible weekend including a trip to London where P had her bag stolen from right under our noses at the RA.  We've been at Local & Live most of the weekend and arriving home at 1 and then 2:30 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday and a late night on Friday, plus P was there (Local & Live) yesterday too.  Today we need to focus on getting the holiday stuff sorted.

I'm looking forward to the break without doubt but with some trepidation as I've had to change some arrangements after I'd made them.  Things are very different and P is nothing at all like Mrs. F. so I'm getting to know some of the idiosyncrasies that I've not had to deal with previously.

Time Warping

Both P and I looked at each other this morning and wondered where July had gone.  Better than that I asked, where has August gone?  It's absolutely crazy that we've been together for 16 weeks or 4 months or whatever and it doesn't feel like that at all.  We finally managed to book a holiday and we are off next week for a couple of weeks to the South of France in a small village and an isolated, private studio apartment overlooked by no one.  Just what we need to spend time with each other.

We strangely are in each others company all day but we have been "working" tackling day-to-day stuff and working through a number of issues which, happily, seem to be coming to an end.  That means when I get back I can concentrate on the business and we can get on with life.  Quite what that means to us we have yet to define.  It's very very very very strange.  Neither of us were looking for anything and yet here we are quite fixed and living together.  That's a worry in some ways as it is so quick and yet it seems all OK and comfortable.

The huge gaps in time are worrying though but I can see where they've actually gone as we've been tackling some pretty messy stuff and some of the decisions have had to take days to work through.

Health wise I'm OK but somewhat concerned at the burn rate of my cash.  However, I need to recommence working on my return from holiday and that's a given.  Let's hope that I can generate sufficient funds?

The next thing I need to do is to lose some of the weight I've put on.  I've been feeding P up as she had lost a lot of weight worrying about things.  Well she's responded quite well to my food.  the trouble is that so have I :-) lol.  So I'm putting myself on a diet and dropping the carbs that I share with her.  Hopefully I will be able to drop a fair amount as long as I don't end up drinking beer in between.

Hot Day

Phew - it's hot in my little office - the fan is working overtime - bless it!

Still no decisions on major things and it is a waiting game - it's annoying for a planner like me.  i like to know what is going on and plan things.  It destabilises me when I don't know - it really is difficult and it's obviously a clash when a planned person meets a "seat of the pants" person.  

P has been away most of today so I've got stuck into some administration work.  I've finished off cleaning up the garden and chopping back invading Ivy and Lobelia.  I've put a few beers in the Fridge - I really shouldn't be drinking but at the moment it keeps me distracted whilst stuff goes on around me.  These things aren't my decision to make, I can advise, I can empathise, strategise and theorise but I can't make the decisions. 

Apart from the destabilising effects I am looking forward to going away with P and just chiling out for a couple of weeks.  We seem to have done nothing but working and haven't spent much time with each other.

I hope that she makes her decisions tomorrow and we just move on with things.  I can then set to and plan the holiday and the travelling etc.  

New Phone, Nearer Some Planning

But not quite there yet.  The car went in for service and at last it was a reasonable amount of money to pay and just a few items needed to sort the car out.  It is now ready for a trip to France, if that is what actually happens.  It's all up in the air at the moment for sure.

Poor P has to have a Cataract removed before they see what progress the eye they operated on has made.  That can happen as soon as this Saturday but she needs to make that decision.  The next available dates would affect any holiday plans for this and next month as we are constrained by other dates.

We were meant to go this Thursday - but I've planned and booked nothing at all.  It's procrastination drawn out to its worst possible definition.  Difficult decisions do need to be made and I can appreciate that having made those decisions exactly 1 year ago today!  for it is a year ago that I told Mrs. F. that things were over.  Ironically I am meeting her at lunchtime today to discuss the house and children, finances and all those sorts of things.

It's been a strange journey and I'm a lucky in some ways to be at the start of a new journey although with the hindsight of a previous one!  

I'm keeping well and enjoying myself - as much as I can.  INTJ types really prefer some decisive actions and certainty which is giving me the problems at them moment.  

Wasp 1 Samsung Galaxy 0

I smashed the glass on my phone on Saturday swatting away a Wasp that had got close.   Normally my good old phone can take a knock but I managed to swat and then launch the phone a good 5 yards!  So I've just bought a Motorola G which is a nice phone and seems to do all I want without the iPhone/Samsung price tag.  So far, so good.  The migration app appears to work nicely, it syncs with Google nice and easily and brought over all my Apps too.  Clever.

Let's hope it lasts 2 1/2 years like my Samsung did.

Feeling OK but frustrated that I've not been able to book a holiday yet.  It's extremely difficult as P needs to sort some things out before I can.  The trouble is the date is heading towards us like a train and 8 days is  hardly long enough for me to organise things.  I know things can't be rushed but I'm a planner and don't like unnecessary stress added to trying to arrange things.

Is It The Weather?

I feel lethargic, unlike me (of late) to feel quite so tired and not up for much :-) 

I hope it is just a today thing as the weather is oppressive and humid as you like.  

Wobbles - even If you prepare yourself

Wobbles and little set backs come and go and July is a bad time for me whether I want it to be or not.

Things like:

2nd July - Bladder Cancer Symptoms present
3rd July - Dad died
4th July - my birthday
7th July - Doctor suggests I have Cancer
21st July - Diagnosed with Bladder Cancer
24th July - Bladder Saving (lifesaving) operation

It's 8 years for Bladder Cancer - I'm still here, I'm healthy, I'm happy and I've a new life awaiting me in the wings.  I have a nice lady friend to spend time with and life has new meaning and new purpose - that's great.

It's taking a long time to sort out P's issues but we are almost there now.  I hope we can get a holiday in and then launch the business as I'm getting itchy feet and really want to launch it and start generating some income.

I find myself in July wobbling about between highs and lows and this July is no different even though I prepared myself for it.

Onwards and Upwards!  :-) 

Kerbam

Ohh it's been a rocky few weeks.  Ups and downs abound.  What are the chances that one of P's friends is married to the brother of an old mate of mine who lived next to my first girlfriend?  I really didn't need my past to come out like that and suddenly everyone was interested and I really wasn't so that didn't go down well.  60 million people in the world and I happen to sit next to someone who knew me from when I was 19 years old!

All is OK now though and things are moving on nicely.  I'm not sure where it is all headed which I suppose is also fun.  For the new me it is fun - the old me would have been horrified about that I'm certain.

I think that P & I need a good holiday as we haven't really been spending  real quality time together - we tend to spend time together working and that's a bit of a shame as we really should be getting to know each other.  We are out on Saturday to a bell ringing day out followed by a BBQ.  Maybe we can get some time together and we need to lay some ghosts out too whilst we are there.  By that I mean there are a few chaps who aren't aware that I am on the scene that need to find out as it could cause embarrassment for them or for P.

I am fit and well apart from my shin which took a serious thump on the outside brick wall.  It has only just started to come under some sort of control as it really ballooned up and I've been putting on two dressings a day to sort it out.  Hopefully it will be OK for the weekend.

Update

Well where did those 12 days go?  I have no idea at all but there you go - it just disappeared and it's like that a lot these days, time just slips away.  I had a good birthday going to the Royal Academy for the Summer Exhibition and then to see Dennis Hopper's photographic exhibition, Fortnum & Mason for Lunch followed by Ronnie Scott's for the evening.  The only bummer being the ridiculously crowded train home - southern railways need to examine how they treat customers it was just ridiculous.  Completely left me messed up with my claustrophobia kicking in big time.  I managed to keep it together but not when I got home.

Anyhow, other than that it was a lovely day.  

I'm feeling good and fit and healthy but could do with a holiday I think - if nothing else to get out of the current list of things that need to be done - get a rest and then launch the business.

I hope to get some more time to start blogging again, the main thing is that health is good, outlook is good and life is fine albeit a little to full on for me at the moment.  

Eight Years Ago

It's the Anniversary of my getting the symptoms of Bladder Cancer.  I recall it well as it was England on playing in the World Cup - that year they probably did slightly better than this :-)

After a 4 1/2 hour drive I checked in to my Hotel, went to the toilet to be greeted by a stream of claret coloured urine.  It didn't stop doing that until the 24th July when I had my operation....  

It still sends a shudder through me thinking about it.  Gee though I get cranky around this time of year.  But in many ways I should celebrate as it was around this time of year last year that it all started to become clear to me what needed to be done and finally I'm out of the rut I was in and I'm in a great place at the moment.  I can see my future (well not really) but I'm positive about my future is probably a better way to say it.  I'm really happy and positive about things.  P and I are getting along wonderfully and that's great - I'm so pleased about that.  I'm not sure quite what to do about introducing her to the girls - it's very difficult I suppose.

I am seeing Mrs. F. tomorrow evening to discuss the way forward.  I'm in no rush to push her into anything - it's not my way and it appears that L now has a local job (that did surprise me - I thought she would have stayed in Cambridge).  That will mean she will stay at the house I guess.  That means that they will need the place for the moment and I suppose I will have to wait a little longer for the settlement to materialise.  I think  I can handle that but of course it is burning a hole in both our monies with me living in rented accommodation.  

SO here I am - 8 years on from the huge trauma of Bladder Cancer.  I'm still here - HURRAH!  I'm healthy - YIPPEE! I'm happy, I'm free, I'm excited, I'm empty of all that angst and baggage, I'm crazy about P, I have a new business to launch and everything is looking good.  

I look back and see how much my life has changed and in a few ways I'm sad about the outcome of my marriage but I knew that was rocky even then.  I can't fault Mrs. F. standing by me though, she was a rock bless her but it's time to move on for me and I really hope that she finds someone for herself that means as much to her as P does to me.

Talking of P that's 12 weeks this Thursday - time has flown and it feels a long and a short time all at once!  I wonder what will happen in 1 or even 8 years from now?  This certainly isn't quite what I felt it would be but there you go - it's just the way it is people come into and out of your life for a reason I guess.

Where did the time go?

Yikes, where has the last few weeks gone?  OK we had the housewarming party, I've been to Northampton and back and suddenly what - it's almost the end of June. 

I can't tell you where time has gone but I'm seriously blown off track at the moment but feel that things are coming back on an even keel at last.  It's one of those amazing times we get in our lives where events take us way off of our "planned" course and your life changes forever.  It was actually a year ago that my life really started to change and it's just bizarre that here I am blinking and wondering what on earth just happened :-)  Crazy!

I need to speak to Mrs. F. soon to see what we can do to move things forward.  The biggest issue I suppose is what to do about the house and stuff.  It's all a little strange as I will have to work out lots of other things - like where to live and so on.  It's just the way my crazy world is these days.

Interesting Times

"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times" was one of our sayings when we were at work.  It holds true today.  Life IS very interesting at the moment, very interesting indeed and I'm having quite a bit of difficulty adapting to it.    Things are very different indeed from any past experiences I have had and so a lot of it is new to me.  I hate being an INTJ sometimes because I just can't stop analysing and also stuff that isn't "Logical" really confuses the hell out of me and of course, there's a lot of that in relationships - stuff that isn't logical that is.  It completely throws me out of equilibrium.  

So I'm having to learn a lot of this stuff as we go on and that is proving interesting but not quite as much fun.  Anyway, it will just have to be what it will be - I'm getting there gradually.

I like the fact that I hardly think about Bladder Cancer anymore or anything else around my health either.  

Interesting times?  You bet!  

It's Serious Then?

Given how I'm feeling at the moment with P away at the Isle of Wight Festival, I've got to say that things are pretty serious!  I wasn't expecting to feel quite like this at all but hey, the new me is saying go with it, run with it and see where it takes you.

I still find it quite hard to believe that it's only 7 weeks and 3 days (roughly).  There's something quite strange and surreal about this past week.  It is very strange indeed.  I feel great and yesterday the number of people who came up to me and said that I was looking great these days was more than a dozen.  It's nice to hear as I looked back at my Passport photo and of course I wasn't well when that was done - about 18 months after diagnosis, I look grey and drawn and with huge circles under my eyes.  What a difference.  I am pretty glad about that.

I saw my friend who had hi Bladder removed yesterday and I hadn't seen him since he had the surgery so it was good to catch up and hear his story.  Apparently it was a missed appointment and they may have been able to sort him out if it hadn't got aggressive and gone into the muscle.  He seems fine about it, has lost some weight (a bonus he says) and he has moved down to the coast which is nice I think.

I've been working on how things progress from here going forward.  I really hadn't planned to be quite so involved as I am.  I thought that we might be friends going to gigs together but we are light years beyond that.  I think it is funny as we keep looking at each other and smiling and wondering "how did we get here?"  It doesn't really matter at all, I'm happy and so is P and that's great.  

The Business Of Getting On With Business

It is a business getting on with business.  I need to launch and yet it's the usual decision - when is the right time as so many things are going on in my life at the moment.  We have the house warming party in a week and I'm out for a few days.  I need to talk to P to make sure she is now independent enough to do without me for a short while.  We have discussed that she might help me drive some business in which would be great.

We are talking about taking a little time off and just going away for a few days and getting to know each other dropping the business and personal problems to one side and just having a break.  I hope we can do that.

At the moment everything is ready to go so I just need to start driving the message home and getting people interested in what I do and then for them to spend some money with me.

I want to start to get into some sort of regular business hours as well as getting some order back into my life :-) Food, exercise and work all need to come together in one homogenous way.   Well that's my plan and as we've seen the last 7 weeks have been absolutely full on what with P and my Mum and now the web site is up and running I'm just waiting to "flip the switch" and that just needs a chat with P and for the two of us to be happy about that.

Getting On With Things

Has it really been 7 weeks today since I met P?  Yes it has it feels like no time and a long time all at once.  That's love for you I guess?

All is wonderful and things are fine.  P has decided to go to the Isle Of Wight Festival after all which is great it is going to be a beautiful weekend and she needs a break and to get away and come back refreshed. I'm a little jealous actually as I'd love to have gone but I have two meetings one tomorrow in London, a Black Tie do and then a Lodge meeting on Saturday.  It will be a shame that P won't be here on the Saturday night but I'll see her soon enough on the Sunday.  It's beginning now to get hard to be apart which brings its own pressures of course.

The main thing is to get some things sorted next week.  We are having a sort of house warming party on the 21st June which will be nice - so many people have asked to see the house.  After that I want to knuckle down and get the business rolling.  It's sat here long enough now.

Living with Depression

Once you've been there you can emphasise with those who are depressed or stuck in a rut.  Part of the rut I had (I know this isn't everyone's experience) was that I knew, knew for years, what I had to do.  I knew the answer to get me out of my malaise.  It was and is now blindingly obvious.  Nevertheless we don't take the Occam's Razor we procrastinate and try and work around what is the obvious (and possibly only) answer.  That's how we dig ourselves into a rut or paint ourselves into a corner. 

I like the phrase that we "stare so hard at the closed door that we miss the open one behind us"  I'm helping a good friend and it's exactly that.  To me it is "obvious" what to do but I'm on the outside looking in and I also know that it isn't my decision, they have to come to the answer on their own, all I can do is provide balanced (if possible) facts to work on.  

I recollect how difficult it was the incredible stress, the chest pains the throat constriction - I could hardly even talk when I finally had to deliver the news.  Within moments, it was over, it was SO painful I can't tell you.  I'd hurt the person I'd lived with for 32 or more years and had known for 40 years.  That was awful BUT - BUT after that I came alive and the pain was gone and the weights that dragged me down were gone, my head emptied and suddenly I was at peace with myself.  It was unfortunate that all my pain then descended onto Mrs. F.  I felt awful for doing that but then again, I could no longer live the way I was living I had all but come to a standstill and couldn't concentrate.  I couldn't go on like that and despite the fact that I had my eyes opened and was by then heavily into A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I'd met someone who changed my outlook on life and suddenly made me aware of myself, the now and what could be.  Even that ending was positive.

So today I can really empathise with the struggle that is going on in my friend's head and despite the fact that I know that once that decision is taken (for I strongly believe that the decision was reached - like me - many years ago) the pain will fall away.  I can see now that it is easy for me to say what to do (like many people told me what to do).  The bottom line is that only the person whom the problem affects has the right to make that decision and take it for themselves, they have, after all, to be happy they did the right thing.

In the interim it is a series of circular discussions, going over the same ground, the same facts, the same consequences and the same potential outcomes but who knows what the future truly holds?  The decision is the the thing that is needed and then executing on that.  I am pleased that rather than getting "involved" that I can just act as a sounding board for them.  

I hope that they come to a decision quickly for their own health and to free them up.

A Year is a LONG Time

I looked back at my blog from a year ago.  It was all in code as I'd met this quite wonderful lady - well I'd actually known her a very long time really and we met up and suddenly everything seemed to click and become clear to me.

I got my self esteem back, I got my self confidence back, I believed I could move on and get out of the rut I was in.  It was an awful place and suddenly there was this lovely lady who changed it all for me.  I suppose it depends on whether you believe in Karma but she arrived in my life at just the right time and soon afterwards disappeared again.  It was a little upsetting of course that it didn't continue but everything happens for a reason.  What I saw was a glimpse of how it could be.  I saw how things were when I was younger and when everything was exciting and how the journey started out, with high expectations and high ideals and then how it foundered along the way and the crash into depression (Ooops I used the "D" word there - sorry) and self doubt, victim mode and lost - well - me really.

Somehow, unless you've been there and bumped along the bottom for a while you probably don't get what a lonely and miserable place it is.  Analysing every little mistake you ever made and trying to comprehend how you got to where you are rather than looking at it to see what you can do from where you are now.  Nothing can be undone, unsaid and you can really only operate in the here and the now.  The future hasn't happened yet.  

I knew that my life would change last June - I had no idea that I'd be separated from my wife, in a house share, and now involved with someone else and just looking forward to a life and some excitement.  By that I mean travelling, getting out and actually doing things.  P is a dynamo for getting out and doing things.  It looks exciting and challenging.  It will be what it will be of course and who knows what I'll be writing about next June?  

I just know that I'm in such a much better place at the moment.  The only thing is that I'm not quite giving it my all - something is nagging me to hold back.  It's the 90% thing again - I did this last June (18th/27th) and I can feel myself doing that again now - is it a commitment problem or something deeper - I'm not certain - I'll see how this pans out.