Been to the GP - Nothing to worry about - well that's OK then.
Got to have a scan thing and then take it from there. I guess when they said blood test and I went sort of white and stammered something like I just had one - they did phone the hospital and get the results.
So 6 weeks delay to the Operation but hold up - it will be Thursday before they can do anything and up to two weeks before getting a monitor thing I will have to wear for 24 hours. Lets see how quickly they can pull this one around. Remember that BP and Kidneys are linked and so what every they do there may have an affect on elsewhere.
Great
SNAFU
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Go On Punk... Make My Day!
Well that didn't go quite as planned at all. BP through the roof, it came down slowly over the time but all that pushing and poking and stuff.
Upshot - 6 weeks delay. Go to GP, go directly to GP, do not pass go, do not collect £200!
Oh sh1t. I was actually swearing a bit more than that when they told me.
I actually cannot do 6 weeks so It would have to be 7 at least. The F word has been uttered all the way home from the Hospital. I was very angry to start with but I suppose if they see any risk they won't operate. The nuisance is I now have to go and get something else done and then go back and repeat this old sh1t again.
I've completely altered schedules so that I could do this and now all those short term plans have turned to pooh as well. Back to the drawing board.
In all the excitement I can't remember if I wrote 5 blogs or 6. Seeing this is the most powerful blog in the whole world and likely to blow your head clean off you have to ask yourself whether you feel lucky?
Well? Do you feel lucky punk?
Nuff said - going to go and get angry at the pub now :-)
Upshot - 6 weeks delay. Go to GP, go directly to GP, do not pass go, do not collect £200!
Oh sh1t. I was actually swearing a bit more than that when they told me.
I actually cannot do 6 weeks so It would have to be 7 at least. The F word has been uttered all the way home from the Hospital. I was very angry to start with but I suppose if they see any risk they won't operate. The nuisance is I now have to go and get something else done and then go back and repeat this old sh1t again.
I've completely altered schedules so that I could do this and now all those short term plans have turned to pooh as well. Back to the drawing board.
In all the excitement I can't remember if I wrote 5 blogs or 6. Seeing this is the most powerful blog in the whole world and likely to blow your head clean off you have to ask yourself whether you feel lucky?
Well? Do you feel lucky punk?
Nuff said - going to go and get angry at the pub now :-)
Not Too Bad
I'm just settling down to a cup of coffee. I've done 20 minutes on the exercise bike, had a shower and just relaxing. I've checked the letter about 5 times already in case mysteriously the date or time have changed - they have not!
I'm a lot calmer than I have been leading up to this. This happens as you get near to the time and there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome so you accept it and get on with it.
Still some nerves but this is only pre-assessment and I can only guess what they are going to do based on what happened last time I went in. Scans, tests, questionnaire (I must remember to tell them about the eczema type stuff both times previous). I just hope they keep to time, that can be the most annoying thing to deal with. Of course Hospitals now make easier for you to increase your stress levels by allowing you to park on an hourly basis (for which you have the privilege of prepay) and then making you wait until just before your time is up. Then what do you do? Go and feed the meter, get a new ticket or go and have your appointment. The little twerp who thought that one up ought to be hung, drawn and quartered!
I'm a lot calmer than I have been leading up to this. This happens as you get near to the time and there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome so you accept it and get on with it.
Still some nerves but this is only pre-assessment and I can only guess what they are going to do based on what happened last time I went in. Scans, tests, questionnaire (I must remember to tell them about the eczema type stuff both times previous). I just hope they keep to time, that can be the most annoying thing to deal with. Of course Hospitals now make easier for you to increase your stress levels by allowing you to park on an hourly basis (for which you have the privilege of prepay) and then making you wait until just before your time is up. Then what do you do? Go and feed the meter, get a new ticket or go and have your appointment. The little twerp who thought that one up ought to be hung, drawn and quartered!
Switch off and survive
Is I think how I get through this stuff.
"It isn't actually happening to me"
I find that I go into these places numb now. I remember the scan being the most horrible thing that happened - only because when it happened and probably the trauma and post operative realisation of what I had as well.
Now, I switch off. You lose your dignity and your personality and you are wheeled in and out on the meat wagon. It's a factory and doesn't fit what I would have thought of as "care". It is a numbers game and you are in and out in double quick time and they push and pull you around and you are just so glad to get home. I feel like I have everything punched out of me after a few hours and I go with the flow and ride the roller coaster until it stops and I feel well enough to get off, I stop feeling sick and can balance again - then I can go home.
The whole thing just appears to be a patients go in one end and patients go out the other sausage factory.
Oh well, I will turn off my brain and body as I get there and turn on my human being features as I leave. At least I have a lunchtime appointment tomorrow that will cheer me up!
"It isn't actually happening to me"
I find that I go into these places numb now. I remember the scan being the most horrible thing that happened - only because when it happened and probably the trauma and post operative realisation of what I had as well.
Now, I switch off. You lose your dignity and your personality and you are wheeled in and out on the meat wagon. It's a factory and doesn't fit what I would have thought of as "care". It is a numbers game and you are in and out in double quick time and they push and pull you around and you are just so glad to get home. I feel like I have everything punched out of me after a few hours and I go with the flow and ride the roller coaster until it stops and I feel well enough to get off, I stop feeling sick and can balance again - then I can go home.
The whole thing just appears to be a patients go in one end and patients go out the other sausage factory.
Oh well, I will turn off my brain and body as I get there and turn on my human being features as I leave. At least I have a lunchtime appointment tomorrow that will cheer me up!
Monday, March 12, 2007
A touch of the dramatics
Out this evening with some good friends and brain kicks into life - saying "this could be the last time you see them". I say nothing to anyone as I deep down inside do not believe that.
I liked a later conversation about how much I loath going in. How tomorrow I am taking myself in on my own as I ought to face it myself. I've always had someone go with me. Tomorrow it will be different. I'll also take myself off on my own for the operation as well. It is something I need to do, in future I could be taking myself in and taking myself out.
Anyway, the interest was that we were talking odds. I reckoned that CIS is one of those things that is difficult to stage - hence they are doing biopsies. It is 80:20 on success of the BCG. Those are pretty good odds considering and given my age and levels of relative fitness, they are odds in my favour. If that fails, they can re-do the treatment and give you 50:50! All in all, if you were given those odds you'd take them and be pleased. So I'm feeling a little better about things but what it did highlight is the fundamental reason I'm so apprehensive. It's the lottery principle. Will I be a winner next Monday? If you had a 4 our of 5 chance would you take it? You see I'm not a gambler and the odds whilst stacked in my favour still mean that 1 in 5 times it would have failed - see my point?
It is the introvert and pessimist in me coming out. Many who know me would be very surprised to find I am quiet and in a room full of strangers more so. I over compensate for this later on. But the whole Cancer thing has been rather humbling. Suddenly I'm no longer in control.
Tomorrow I am going in for the assessment tests and I'll get through that one way or the other. After that I shall be able to work out if I can manage this on my own in the future.
I liked a later conversation about how much I loath going in. How tomorrow I am taking myself in on my own as I ought to face it myself. I've always had someone go with me. Tomorrow it will be different. I'll also take myself off on my own for the operation as well. It is something I need to do, in future I could be taking myself in and taking myself out.
Anyway, the interest was that we were talking odds. I reckoned that CIS is one of those things that is difficult to stage - hence they are doing biopsies. It is 80:20 on success of the BCG. Those are pretty good odds considering and given my age and levels of relative fitness, they are odds in my favour. If that fails, they can re-do the treatment and give you 50:50! All in all, if you were given those odds you'd take them and be pleased. So I'm feeling a little better about things but what it did highlight is the fundamental reason I'm so apprehensive. It's the lottery principle. Will I be a winner next Monday? If you had a 4 our of 5 chance would you take it? You see I'm not a gambler and the odds whilst stacked in my favour still mean that 1 in 5 times it would have failed - see my point?
It is the introvert and pessimist in me coming out. Many who know me would be very surprised to find I am quiet and in a room full of strangers more so. I over compensate for this later on. But the whole Cancer thing has been rather humbling. Suddenly I'm no longer in control.
Tomorrow I am going in for the assessment tests and I'll get through that one way or the other. After that I shall be able to work out if I can manage this on my own in the future.
Could be back at my old company again
It is strange how things move. I just had the conversation and agreed to go and do some of the stuff that I think I am good at :-)
It will allow me to get over this next period of uncertainty and also to be able to work part time which is probably what I need. The work probably wouldn't start until May which fits very nicely if I have to have maintenance - even if things are pretty bad - at least I'll have something to go for.
It just needs careful managing and ensuring that dates are managed between us.
Strange how these sorts of things happen. I'll be replacing two guys who left of their own accord rather than being made redundant. The funniest bit is that I'll probably be installing for the people I used to manage - how funny is that?
It will allow me to get over this next period of uncertainty and also to be able to work part time which is probably what I need. The work probably wouldn't start until May which fits very nicely if I have to have maintenance - even if things are pretty bad - at least I'll have something to go for.
It just needs careful managing and ensuring that dates are managed between us.
Strange how these sorts of things happen. I'll be replacing two guys who left of their own accord rather than being made redundant. The funniest bit is that I'll probably be installing for the people I used to manage - how funny is that?
Time Stealers and Time Wasters
It is one of the problems in management that you find your time eroded. Today, I managed to get on really well whilst I was here on my own. Since that changed progress has been slow and stop start. It drives me nuts under normal circumstances - today I am just getting nowhere fast (or rather this afternoon). The to do list has actually got two tasks longer than it was this morning and whilst I've knocked over some key stuff - more remains.
Yelling at this blog may well take some time away again but it is better than getting angry in the house.
Deep breath, let me see what I can get done in the next few hours as they will all be out again soon.
Yelling at this blog may well take some time away again but it is better than getting angry in the house.
Deep breath, let me see what I can get done in the next few hours as they will all be out again soon.
I know that
Just had the letter shoved under my nose saying when to turn up tomorrow and all the details about what I should and shouldn't do, and I if I feel feint then call.
I know that, I can read! Didn't shout, didn't say much other than I knew that. Now I feel quite queasy about it.
I am managing quite well to distract myself and keep busy but occasionally it comes right back and gets me thinking and feeling bad.
3 times in 8 months - a record even for me to be in Hospital. When I was younger I managed to rack up 12 Operations in 19 years. The last 11 between the ages of 13 and 19. You can perhaps understand why I dislike Hospitals so much. It disrupted my schooling and left me with the sounds and smells of wards imprinted on my brain. At least the wards don't smell of Ether any more. I suppose that is a bonus.
I know that, I can read! Didn't shout, didn't say much other than I knew that. Now I feel quite queasy about it.
I am managing quite well to distract myself and keep busy but occasionally it comes right back and gets me thinking and feeling bad.
3 times in 8 months - a record even for me to be in Hospital. When I was younger I managed to rack up 12 Operations in 19 years. The last 11 between the ages of 13 and 19. You can perhaps understand why I dislike Hospitals so much. It disrupted my schooling and left me with the sounds and smells of wards imprinted on my brain. At least the wards don't smell of Ether any more. I suppose that is a bonus.
1 Week to go
But who is counting? Well me for one. This time next week I'll be in bits, the clock will have slowed to a crawl, I'll be hungry and thirsty as I won't have had anything since 5 in the morning and I'll probably be on this PC playing tetris and solitaire and such things to kill time.
My MP3 player will be ready to go along with a book - I think I'll take Long Way Round by Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman with me, it is an easy read. My case would have been packed since Sunday.
I can walk to the Hospital which will also burn up some time and some mental energy.
No doubt more fears and revelations down the week.
My MP3 player will be ready to go along with a book - I think I'll take Long Way Round by Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman with me, it is an easy read. My case would have been packed since Sunday.
I can walk to the Hospital which will also burn up some time and some mental energy.
No doubt more fears and revelations down the week.
I was expecting a quiet week
It's the early hours of Monday morning and I have just looked at my diary/wall chart and see that I don't have a free day this week at all! Somehow I have managed to be out every day and for someone that doesn't actually have a job, I have stacks of things to do. I'm going to have to prioritise all this in the morning as I just don't know how I am going to fit it all in.
Nice to be busy I suppose?
Nice to be busy I suppose?
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Can you admit that
You are absolutely sh1t scared of what is coming up? I don't think you can really let it all out. There's the bloke bit - you don't show emotion. There's the family bit - you don't show that it could be worse than it is (not sure if this makes any shock situation worse or not?). The other thing is that you put on a "brave face" - it's all very British and "Stiff Upper Lip" etc.
However, I've had three months to stew over this - I should have been in on Monday so a week late sort of adds to the tension but, at the end of this really is that I am sh1t scared this time. I actually think I don't need to be. I know what is going to happen to me. I know the drill, I know how to get out of hospital quicker than the first time and I know my way around but that isn't what is getting to me. It is this:
1st Time - all a rush, emergency surgery - cut the cancer out and evaluate the problem. 2 days after diagnosis - wow what a rush!
2nd Time - in for biopsies (what should happen this time) wake to find heavy surgery and cleaning up previous work, lots of other wok and some retrograde stuff. Hurts like hell, feel like sh1t and really mauled about this time. BUT - halted the problems, reviewed the diagnosis and hey, actually better prognosis than after first go.
3rd time - is that real? Did the treatment work? Is the cancer contained? Oh please that it is (if it isn't - we really don't want to go there). What happens next? Is it serious or is it maintenance?
I feel that it is all going to be good news and I feel well although I can feel my body starting to get ready for the hurt.
If it isn't good news, I'll be devastated of course but I WILL get over it. I just haven't factored that into my life plan at the moment. If it is good news then that is great but it will still impact my life in such a way that I will need to find flexible employment.
Anyway, I think it is totally natural to be so scared and apprehensive. I bet they look at my BP readings on Tuesday and comment about them. I mean - knowing what I've got to go through and expecting me to be calm, rational and reasonable about it just isn't going to happen. You can rationalise a bit but you can't fight your emotions with logic all the time.
However, I've had three months to stew over this - I should have been in on Monday so a week late sort of adds to the tension but, at the end of this really is that I am sh1t scared this time. I actually think I don't need to be. I know what is going to happen to me. I know the drill, I know how to get out of hospital quicker than the first time and I know my way around but that isn't what is getting to me. It is this:
1st Time - all a rush, emergency surgery - cut the cancer out and evaluate the problem. 2 days after diagnosis - wow what a rush!
2nd Time - in for biopsies (what should happen this time) wake to find heavy surgery and cleaning up previous work, lots of other wok and some retrograde stuff. Hurts like hell, feel like sh1t and really mauled about this time. BUT - halted the problems, reviewed the diagnosis and hey, actually better prognosis than after first go.
3rd time - is that real? Did the treatment work? Is the cancer contained? Oh please that it is (if it isn't - we really don't want to go there). What happens next? Is it serious or is it maintenance?
I feel that it is all going to be good news and I feel well although I can feel my body starting to get ready for the hurt.
If it isn't good news, I'll be devastated of course but I WILL get over it. I just haven't factored that into my life plan at the moment. If it is good news then that is great but it will still impact my life in such a way that I will need to find flexible employment.
Anyway, I think it is totally natural to be so scared and apprehensive. I bet they look at my BP readings on Tuesday and comment about them. I mean - knowing what I've got to go through and expecting me to be calm, rational and reasonable about it just isn't going to happen. You can rationalise a bit but you can't fight your emotions with logic all the time.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I draw the line at
Taking bets on the outcome of the tests. Come on guys. that is blacker than my Tee Shirt.
However, if there is still room I'd like £50 on................................
However, if there is still room I'd like £50 on................................
Just Plain Weird
I think that you have to acknowledge that if you know me - you'll have to come to this conclusion sooner rather than later.
My taste in films and music alone floor most. The absurdity of MY humour will get you if the former does not.
Tonight, I was considering the fate of the dinosaurs. Sat there eating their meal at their favourite restaurant (McDinos) and one turns to the others and asks whether they saw "Horizon" last night. "I mean, what are the possibilities of being wiped out by a gigantic asteroids and a caldera?"
If you thought that was funny - welcome to my world.
If you think that I should be locked up then join the others petitioning for that right now.
No I'm not going to tell you where to sign up of course. If I knew I'd sign up myself :-)
My taste in films and music alone floor most. The absurdity of MY humour will get you if the former does not.
Tonight, I was considering the fate of the dinosaurs. Sat there eating their meal at their favourite restaurant (McDinos) and one turns to the others and asks whether they saw "Horizon" last night. "I mean, what are the possibilities of being wiped out by a gigantic asteroids and a caldera?"
If you thought that was funny - welcome to my world.
If you think that I should be locked up then join the others petitioning for that right now.
No I'm not going to tell you where to sign up of course. If I knew I'd sign up myself :-)
Cut Price
My friend's son is working in the urology department at the moment!
Should I take his kind offer and meet him in a lay-by and get the job done real cheap?
It's tempting n'est pas? Drive out for the evening. Park up in some country lane, Headlights flash in synchronisation with theirs. A quick move to park cars next door to each other. A movement of passengers from one car to the other (and equipment). Windows steamed up and suspension creaking.
Just as you are about to get your cheap cystoscopy, a rap on the window from the local constabulary and you end up being warned for indecent exposure - no matter that you were halfway through some complicated medical procedure! Damn....
Wag tells me that they charge for Catheterisation by the inch. For me they'll make an exception and do it by the millimetre. I don't know whether to be insulted or not?
Should I take his kind offer and meet him in a lay-by and get the job done real cheap?
It's tempting n'est pas? Drive out for the evening. Park up in some country lane, Headlights flash in synchronisation with theirs. A quick move to park cars next door to each other. A movement of passengers from one car to the other (and equipment). Windows steamed up and suspension creaking.
Just as you are about to get your cheap cystoscopy, a rap on the window from the local constabulary and you end up being warned for indecent exposure - no matter that you were halfway through some complicated medical procedure! Damn....
Wag tells me that they charge for Catheterisation by the inch. For me they'll make an exception and do it by the millimetre. I don't know whether to be insulted or not?
Interesting e-mail
I got an e-mail or rather a private message which was rather nice - someone I don't know wishing me well. It puts a little smile on your face when you get one of those - RAOK - a Random Act of Kindness. Nice one!
Actually it has quite made my day thinking about it.
Actually it has quite made my day thinking about it.
Selfish Streak
I said it before I think. You can be awfully selfish and awfully grumpy, awkward and downright instransigent. At least I find myself being like that. Not all the time just occasionally and I catch myself being a real pain in the arse sometimes.
Selfishness comes with the territory I feel. The rest is the anger working its way out. Bag man on the doorstep wants to sell me something - this time I didn't even give him the time of day. Told him straight that I knew what he had in the bag and that as far as I was concerned he'd be wasting his time trying to sell me stuff from it. I've seen these guys congregating in the local pub afterwards. Making a living - perhaps but they were banging back the beers at an alarming rate.
The flashes of utter rage and also prolonged anger get channeled elsewhere and confrontation and making your point forcibly are other occasional events. I've always had a bit of a sharp tongue anyway - these days I have to bite it really hard to stop myself launching into stuff and situations that just wind me up. I get far more wound up than I ever used to before. My high level of tolerance, even with people who defy the gene pool has evaporated.
Well you have been warned.
Selfishness comes with the territory I feel. The rest is the anger working its way out. Bag man on the doorstep wants to sell me something - this time I didn't even give him the time of day. Told him straight that I knew what he had in the bag and that as far as I was concerned he'd be wasting his time trying to sell me stuff from it. I've seen these guys congregating in the local pub afterwards. Making a living - perhaps but they were banging back the beers at an alarming rate.
The flashes of utter rage and also prolonged anger get channeled elsewhere and confrontation and making your point forcibly are other occasional events. I've always had a bit of a sharp tongue anyway - these days I have to bite it really hard to stop myself launching into stuff and situations that just wind me up. I get far more wound up than I ever used to before. My high level of tolerance, even with people who defy the gene pool has evaporated.
Well you have been warned.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Someone Said that I was brave and
That they wouldn't know what to do if they had to go through what I am going through.
I don't think it is brave particularly. I think that you have an option to make the best of it, take the pragmatic approach. Attitude and positive thinking (of course you have doubts too) are all things you can lean on to get you through.
You learn to live with things pretty quickly I find. The key thing is to understand what you are being told, accept it (that is a hard thing) and then get on with it.
Each step is a little bit more of the story.
Day one - you have cancer but it isn't known how bad
Day two - we think it is bad
Day three - it isn't as bad as we first feared
Day four - we can do something about this now we have you under control
and so on. That is how it goes and it isn't brave it's just life. And that is the thing to celebrate. Until they threaten that it is going to go away from you - you really don't know how much of the time you have had you've wasted.
I don't think it is brave particularly. I think that you have an option to make the best of it, take the pragmatic approach. Attitude and positive thinking (of course you have doubts too) are all things you can lean on to get you through.
You learn to live with things pretty quickly I find. The key thing is to understand what you are being told, accept it (that is a hard thing) and then get on with it.
Each step is a little bit more of the story.
Day one - you have cancer but it isn't known how bad
Day two - we think it is bad
Day three - it isn't as bad as we first feared
Day four - we can do something about this now we have you under control
and so on. That is how it goes and it isn't brave it's just life. And that is the thing to celebrate. Until they threaten that it is going to go away from you - you really don't know how much of the time you have had you've wasted.
Blimey that was creepy
I just read that last post - creepy lyrics indeed
Anyway, if I wasn't worried enough about going in that time I don't suppose that made things an awful lot better.
I still have so much stuff to get done before I go in and suddenly next week is full up in the diary again.
I have no idea how I am going to get everything done but I suppose it is better that way.
Anyway, if I wasn't worried enough about going in that time I don't suppose that made things an awful lot better.
I still have so much stuff to get done before I go in and suddenly next week is full up in the diary again.
I have no idea how I am going to get everything done but I suppose it is better that way.
Those Lyrics
Yep - I actually quite like this song now - I hardly think I needed to be hearing these words just before being wheeled in. :-)
I don't suppose I'll worry too much about that this time however.
Anyway - here you are for what it is worth
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed If
I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head
So here's hoping
I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
I don't suppose I'll worry too much about that this time however.
Anyway - here you are for what it is worth
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed If
I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head
So here's hoping
I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
Music
I used to take in a number of CDs to Hospital and a book. I've bought myself an MP3 player now.
I find that listening to the music allows me to deal with the stress reasonably well. So what music do I take in?
Ludovico Einaudi
Antony & the Johnsons - I am a bird now
Classical - relaxing classics (Classic FM version)
Yann Tierson - Sound track to Amelie
Michael Nyman - best of
David Gray
Colin Bluntstone
It is all very middle of the road stuff except I suppose Antony & the Johnsons. For those in the know the track I was listening to just before I had the first operation was "Hope there's someone" and if I find the lyrics I'll stick them up here. It was pretty spooky listening to that track and then opening my eyes to see the porters there ready to wheel me down. Of course at that time, everything was a blur and we had no idea if the cancer was localised or not - sh1t scary stuff - believe me. Anyway, I quite like this track now :-)
I find that listening to the music allows me to deal with the stress reasonably well. So what music do I take in?
Ludovico Einaudi
Antony & the Johnsons - I am a bird now
Classical - relaxing classics (Classic FM version)
Yann Tierson - Sound track to Amelie
Michael Nyman - best of
David Gray
Colin Bluntstone
It is all very middle of the road stuff except I suppose Antony & the Johnsons. For those in the know the track I was listening to just before I had the first operation was "Hope there's someone" and if I find the lyrics I'll stick them up here. It was pretty spooky listening to that track and then opening my eyes to see the porters there ready to wheel me down. Of course at that time, everything was a blur and we had no idea if the cancer was localised or not - sh1t scary stuff - believe me. Anyway, I quite like this track now :-)
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