Just about ready

To go off and see the charity guys up in London. I think I won't make a hasty decision - I need to talk it through with the family, not least of which is the obvious part that the money is a lot less than we are used to.

It will at least give them a chance to see me and vice versa and to ask questions and I suppose to give me enough of a flavour of the role and the people.

What probably frightens / worries me more than anything is that it will be a 9 to 5 job and I haven't had one of those in years.

Clear

That is that - all clear and done apart from actually sending it off on Thursday. I can actually get on and do something else now. It feels a little strange sitting here staring at the screen and wondering what to do next but in reality, I have a list of things to do.

I just took myself out for a walk but it is weather for Penguins out there so I just went to the shops and back - that was enough. So, a short break, draw breath and then get on with something meaningful and not designed to waste my time.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day and my chance to see what working at a Charity organisation is all about. I need to convince myself that it is what I want to do and I need to see if they are OK with the fact that I'll be having at least 44 days off in the next 18 months for treatment. Yes - that came as a bit of a shock but if you add it up there are a minimum of 3 operations at 1 week each at least, 12 lots of BCG at 2 days each - 3 assessment days and 3 appointments and the odd day it goes into 3 days not 2 on treatment or 2 days not 1 in for the Operation and you are soon there. When you look at it like that it doesnt look great does it?

If they can bear that then I suppose it wont be so bad. Not sure how I will get on with the day after treatment as only rarely have I travelled any distance then.

Things start to fall in to place

The Witness Statement is complete, the covering letter is complete and needs to be sent off later this week. MY CV is finished and my other details for the job tomorrow are almost done, I sketched it all down yesterday - time to clean it up this morning.

Interestingly, someone spoke to the business - ultimate owner - yesterday who is still wondering how his business and ideas managed to get stolen and robbed away from him. Interestingly enough two of us told him as far back as September what we thought was happening and if he remembers back that far he should click in that I warned him that I was concerned where this had come from.

Oh well, it is all a matter of who you trust ultimately I suppose.

I'm relatively calm about things at the moment. I am pretty certain that whatever happens from now on isn't really going to matter in the overall scheme of things. With hardly any money in the coffers, these guys have been well and truly shafted by their "mates" and as predicted 6 months ago, have lost their ideas and their business.

I can't believe how "ill" it has made me. This victim thing is pretty horrible and yes I am the victim here and I'm the one made to feel guilty. I know that isn't the case but the way these guys fight their corner is pretty rough. I do hope though that they realise that their case now rests on the original grounds for resistance and that they cannot change their story. It will be a wonder to behold I am sure and a worthy work of fiction. Mine? Relies on facts only.

That Charity Job

I got a call today from someone at the Charity and they had spoken to someone who knows me and they are interested in talking to me. I am going to see them on Wednesday morning to have a look around and to see whether we like each other

You know, I really fancy doing that job. It pays peanuts but I think that I should be able to give it so much from my experiences. I can hardly believe that I missed the bit where this guy I knows happens to work there - Doh! If I'd have realised that then I could have spoken to him.

I think that this may just be the thing for me. Something that I'd enjoy, something where I could make a difference and pay a little back and somewhere away from the idiots and ll the stress.

It would mean working up in London a fair amount of the time, but that is OK too. It will be a stone's throw from Covent Garden. It would be brilliant to be doing something like this.

Of course timing is rubbish as always as I have just chosen the new name for the business! Ho hum!

Anyway - I am excited about the possibilities of working for this group - the pay is rubbish but I hope that the rewards will be a happier me.

My mate can really p*ss me off sometimes

You have to be nice to your mates but sometimes you really want to tell them something - like "shut up and go away" or words that have a similar meaning. I'm getting pretty fed up with this guy telling me about my apparent behaviour when it is his behaviour that really needs sorting out.

If you have something to say fair enough but don't say it in front of a bunch of people that I happened to be in conversation with. Naughty and I'm not the sort that would tear straight in but it was a very close run thing. Very close indeed. It isn't the first time either and it is getting a little wearing and again, it isn't really called for. Perhaps I just p*ss people off myself:-)

Sense of Proportion part deux

Starts to come back after a day reviewing and rewriting the Witness Statement and re-reading some of the incredulous stuff that the other side have said I realise I can substantiate every part of my claim.

Then the funniest thing happened, they submitted their bank account details into the mix and blow me they have next to no money in there. I do hope that they try that one on. My experience in these things is that ignorance of the law just drills you a great big hole and down you go. Additionally spinning up a story that can be shot down in the first document presented means that you are always on the back foot.

Off out in a minute as it is a friend and his wife's 50th Birthday and I intend to enjoy the evening very much indeed. They are a lovely couple and she is also a member of the Cancer Warrior class. A wonderful lady and I am so glad to go to her birthday part as she came to mine - as for my mate "Flocky Bicep" I am going to meet him down the pub for a few before we go for the meal! Excellent behaviour.

Still struggling to keep a sense of proportion

I am trying to keep on track - I managed to do nothing today but sort out my tribunal statement. I really want to be doing something else - I am going to try and draw a line under this soon. My friend has invited me out to lunch tomorrow and I am looking forward to that and we have 50th Birthday party this Saturday to go to.

I will try and get my head back on track although I am not so much upset as I was previously. I am just mindful that whatever I do, these people intend to have the last laugh. I try and continue to remind myself that it is their behaviour and not mine that is at fault. Occassionally my mind wins the battle.

You can see how you can get caught up in this spiral and you can see how you struggle to get out of it. I have no doubt I will be free of it soon, it is just taking too long really.

Exercise

Back up to 20 minutes a day as from today and that feels much better in terms of a real workout. It will be a while until I get back to 30 minutes but this time I am determined to take it slowly rather than all at once. You may remember how that all ended in tears last time.

Interestingly enough the document bundle arrived this morning for the Tribunal and yesterday they added in some extra stuff, last minute. I shall have a look through and send them my response later. It will be an interesting few days next week waiting to see what they have put in their witness statements.

Ramping up

The interesting thing about setting up a new business from scratch is that you get to use all the experiences of the last time. Trouble is that you end up slowing yourself down a bit (no real problem if you think about it). It is now getting to the exciting bit and also the scary bit as I suddenly realise just how much I now need to do to get the thing off the ground.

At least I don't have the Chicago workload to slow me down but it is coming up to Easter and I have a pile of private things to get done ASAP. I feel a plan coming on to tackle all of these things.

Well that went away

As quickly as it arrived. At least I won't be needed on that job now as it was already filled last night - which was quick. At least that is one bit off of my list and I can get on with the new business. Talking of which the name is now chosen and the next steps are underway for that. I now need to get the web sites hosted and sorted out.

I am going to have to make a decision to not deflect from what I am going to do and stick to it. It caused quite a wobble I can tell you but I'm still not sure if I were to go back to the sort of work I used to do whether I would be truly happy.

Choices

Oh blimey - what to do for the best? I kind of knew something like this would happen. If I go and do that job it will be one that means I'll have to be away from home a fair bit although the money would be good. I can only imagine what it will mean in terms of the journey and how it will probably run my life for the next 3 to 6 months or however long it will be.

Now that would mean putting on hold the new venture which I was just about to start ramping up and that in turn would mean that I'd probably have to be working on that a little bit at a time in the background but I wouldn't be able to actually trade.

The whole idea was not to go back into the ranks of the high profile businesses again although I do know these guys and they do pay regularly and promptly so that doesn't worry me at all.

I then I suppose have to think about how much time I can realistically give the customer given that I'll have to have a week off for the operation and then shortly after that I'll be back on treatment.

It is a difficult question and I'm hoping to have come to a decision about it sometime today. The money is tempting but I'm not sure Ive got the mental and physical stamina for this given the frailty over the past few weeks, I am coming to realise just how severely I was actually affected by treatment and by work.

I will talk to the family about it as well. At the end of the day, they have just as much right to be part of the decision. I've always tended to work away as part of my work and to be rewarded accordingly. This job would be extremely useful as the money is very good. I don't want to do it if I were to not do a good job or to be found short of the mark. I certainly don't want to do it if it means affecting my health and I also wouldn't want to do it if it were too far to go realistically.

Decisions, decisions.

Believe it

Yes - I choose the new company name, I am about to buy the domain - what is in my inbox now? The job from heaven. Yep - more money in a fortnight than I am owed by the idiots. More money in a year than I could earn in 4 years etc.

Whoever up there writes the scripts can I just say that it isn't a comedy, it isn't funny and it isn't big and it isn't clever!

For the past "x" years I have been waiting for a job that fits my CV and pays decent money and the day I get to set up the new venture along it comes.

How ironic irony can be eh?

No Seriously

I'm now quite deeply in to the business plan for my new venture. There are a few problems to sort out - mainly surrounding the type of business - self employed or a company. I'm beginning to favour self employed as I can always ramp up later if I need to. The rules are slightly different to what I am used to but the overall principles are the same.

I'm beginning to get the enthusiasm together which is what I need to carry this through. It is difficult to explain to you what I mean by that. Perhaps if you look back to how upbeat I was this time last year and again in November you'll understand. When you get fired up and interested in something you can move mountains. Well I haven't been able to move anything recently - so flat have I felt - and when you aren't feeling great, doing anything let alone getting enthusiastic about it, is difficult.

So I need to build on the sparks that are beginning to erupt from the old embers and to get moving on. These past 3 months have been really quite dark from me and whilst I'm not out of the woods with it yet, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

However - I can see no end to these endless metaphors :-)

Next on the list

I'm getting through this backlog that I have built myself - Sooner or later I needed to stop mooching around and get on with things. Now is a good time to start and already I can see things moving on and getting done.

I just now need to break out of the routines I have got into and to set myself new targets and to move on a bit at a time. Too much change in one go can be disruptive and unbalancing. If I have learnt nothing else these past few years it is that these massive swings do not do any good. I am being very careful these days about everything I do mentally and physically - I am still very susceptible to the slightest triggers and I am trying to avoid those but also combat what brings them on. I think your self confidence takes such a huge bashing that you really are hyper sensitive to just about anything that anyone says or does. Things hurt me deeply these days that I never ever worried about and I find myself being very defensive when perhaps I don't need to be.

Oh well, all part of the territory of the Cancer patient I reckon. No one said it would be easy and I can tell you that the road to recovery just continues to stretch out there. Maybe you never truly recover? I'd like to think that in a few years it was just a bad period I can look back on but I'm not sure it will be.

Getting on with it

I started today with good intentions but had a bit of a lie in, after all it was windy and raining. I got up, took my pills had a bit of breakfast, got on the exercise machine, had a shower and all of a sudden it is 10:30!

I have a list of things to achieve this week which will bring down the pile of outstanding items to just a few. It will get more of the desk cleared and also the drawing board and the layout table can be substantially changed in use from storage areas to working areas. There are some tough decisions to be made in terms of throwing things out or archiving but so far, I have been able to throw things out without too much concern.

The next set of decisions are whether to let my professional stuff go, memberships of associations and subscriptions to things that I just don't think I'll need again. It is a case of timing too. Some of these are due now and some a little later in the year. Some were only in place for the time I was working with the last two businesses. Frankly they can go now as I don't use them often enough to warrant paying out for them although the one I worked hard for and got my qualification will be a bit hard to lose. Oh well, things move on.

The sun is out at the moment, the clouds are racing across the sky and so we will probably get the tail a little later. You can tell that we are not used to this sort of thing as the reporter said on the news last night that the worst would come when the eye of the storm struck us? I always thought the eye was the quiet bit in the centre - hence the name. That is the trouble if you leave a reporter doing a live sequence without a properly researched script.

Sunday

A day for relaxation. In fact we cleared out the office and dumped 10 years worth of CD ROMs and Diskettes of software. Loads of magazines and old books and old files. We've archived the company records (you have to keep them for eternity + 10 years) and I can make a start on some more tomorrow.

We are battening down the hatches as we have severe weather warning of gales and rain. So I'll be stuck indoors anyway tomorrow.

Other than that - I have been quite pleased that I have found a whole bunch of documents about employment law when I was reviewing it some 6 or more years ago together with all of my case notes, that will come in most useful in a few weeks time of course.

So a good day - I'm feeling quite as well as I have in a long time. That pleases me.

Onwards and Upwards

"to Infinity & Beyond!" - What a great catch phrase? Good old Buzz Lightyear it is like giving 110%

Goodness me, the difference between me now and last Saturday is incredible. Long may this continue, I feel a lot better - it has taken a week of often quite stern reviews and having to look at the reality of the situation to get me to where I am now. Quite simply I was taking everything as a direct personal attack on me. I've read everything as being directed at me. Having taken out the emotion and applied a bit of logic to things I realise that in reality that isn't the case.

I'm back to concentrating on me now. The rest of the day will be good as I prepare for and go off to my meeting and just enjoy being with a group of like minded friends.

Saturday morning

I just sat down and watched one of my favourite films - Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I remember well going to see it with my mates as part of a double header the other film being Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles - another of my all time favourites.

It is getting the odd escape that is interesting - having a good laugh and realising that life isn't so bad after all. Also heard from a lot of the old partners today and was interested in what they had to say - I certainly don't feel paranoid anymore about that.

Later today it is my Lodge meeting which I am looking forward to enormously. One of my candidates gets initiated and my other candidate takes his next step too. I have 5 guest coming along - almost a record for me I think. It will be a great day out, very enjoyable, lots of drinks and a good evening out with my mates!

I managed to sit down and do a lot of work on the business plan today too which was a real boost to morale.

A move towards a clearer work area

All week I have been throwing out old papers and getting archive boxes filled up with books that I don't plan to be using again. All of my technology books and my PC magazines need to go too. I think that I probably wont renew many of my subscriptions to these, to my many organisations and professional memberships can also be lapse - losing the string of suffixes off the end of my surname.

I also have shelves of software CD-ROMs. It is amazing what software I have picked up over the past 10 or more years. I'm sure that it was a good idea to keep hold of the disks - that is until I see how much space they actually take up. The magazines I regularly cull as they take up too much space within a very short time.

The challenge is whether to throw stuff out or to store it, whether to try and sell it or whether to just dump it. Who knows? Of course, there is so much of it that it takes a while to decide what to do and where to put it. The waste paper man was around this morning and he certainly had a couple of sacks full of shredded paper to deal with.

Gradually

Things are getting a lot better than they were at the beginning of the week, gee was I ever low. I've moved a long way from Monday's dark despair to being relatively upbeat about things.

I also saw a job today that I've asked for more details for. A strange thing but there is a job in a Charity that appealed to me but I need to know a bit more about it to decide whether to send in my CV. It would suit me well as it would use all my IT and management skills to the maximum. The trouble is it isn't particularly well paid and if it were to be full time I wouldn't be able to do it really. I'll see what they come back with as I have asked the questions.

I somehow feel that it would satisfy a desire to put something back and to use my new insight. Let's see what they say.

The other venture is taking shape now and I just need to get it out of my head and off of my scrap books into a proper business plan. It then needs some testing and challenging to see if it really IS the thing I want to do to earn a living.

I spoke to another of the partners today and see that they haven't been contacted since December and don't know what is going on. Divide and rule.