Exercises Restart

I did about 2 1/2 miles this morning (about 20 minutes worth) and thought that it was best to stop there and I can up the rate tomorrow and the time as well. I'm a little surprised that I'm not as out of breath as I thought I'd be nor quite as sweated up. My Blood Pressure and heart rates are normal which is cool.

I had quite a good night's sleep unsurprisingly and I feel a lot better today. I'm going to really concentrate this week on getting my fitness back and on catching up with all the odds and ends I have lying around here.

I never want to feel that bad again

My world came crashing down this afternoon. I am utterly drained at the moment. For one moment it flashed before my eyes that I'd be in and out of hospitals and GP surgeries and clinics and in and out of ambulances for the rest of my life.

I've been right down to the darkest of dark places today and then bounced straight back and can rejoice that it isn't what was feared and now, now that I have thought a bit harder about it, I suppose if it is what it indicates on the tests then it can be handled and managed it needs review and life style changes, such as I've already made, can keep this under control.

I've had enough now I'm going to bed and I am not getting up early in the morning. I will however re-start the exercises tomorrow as I feel that the majority of the bruising is almost out and I feel fit enough to do that now.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

I really, really wanted to get off the Roller Coaster today. I approached the worst moment of the whole 9 months to date earlier on. It wasn't the case that if it had of been diabetes or perhaps even something else it was the fact that I've really gone out there and spent time and effort to change lifestyle, to improve my health. Cancer is one thing, then the blood pressure (which can lead to all sorts of stuff) and of course, my Kidneys have probably take a severe battering of late due to the disease I have and the pushing and pulling about I've had as well as the tablets I'm on.

To have the news that I maybe diabetic took me right over the edge. I actually think now, right now, I'd probably have settled for that as long as I got nothing else - ever again. It is hard enough with the cancer let alone anything else.

2 days shy of my 49th birthday, I'm not yet 50 and my body went into meltdown. It was a wake up call 9 months ago - I certainly don't need to keep adding to the list now or in the future. I've really had enough for a life time and I'm not out of the first phase of either the bladder cancer or the blood pressure problems yet.

There was a Roller Coaster I spoke about which is the treatment and the ups and downs of that and all the emotions that went with it. Today it did a quad flip and a load of loop the loops in the dark and I wasn't prepared for them. For the second time this month I got my life back. The Roller Coaster is running along smoothly. It wasn't the fact of what it was it was that it came totally out of the blue.

Cancel the Blue Plaque

"XXX Lived Here"

So what do 2 + 2 make? Did someone say 4??

Not if you are me - how about 4,000,004

OK - Sort of good news - yes readings are high enough to question whether diabetic. However, we know there are no diabetic symptoms. So far so good? Cannot understand one reading showing dehydration - oops my mistake I didn't drink a lot as I thought I shouldn't.

We are going to repeat the tests at the end of next week and by the end of the week after we will be able to review it all again.

As for me? I think I learnt a bit of a jumping to conclusions lesson. Doc apologised when he realised quite what a horrible afternoon I had been through. I wore the Tee Shirt, we were much relieved. It is now the "Magic Tee Shirt".

Within minutes, I had gone from resigned and slightly distressed to OK about things again. I cannot tell you quite what a relief it is.

I have managed to cancel the blue plaque for the house :-)

All the problems, fears, doubts, and everything else are gone! I must learn to take it easy before I "go into one" Sorry to everyone out there who also got wound up with me today. All's well that ends well.

The family are all home

So I'm back on good form being me. Actually they have cheered me up just seeing them and I'm just going to go and get myself ready and go to see the GP.

We were having a laugh about my pig out breakfast of yesterday - "was it really because they didn't give you an I've been brave sticker dad?" Bless :-)

Right, time to stop mooching about and get myself ready to confront the latest hurdle.

More later, as always!

Feeling sorry for myself

I suppose that is only natural? Boy am I p1ssed off with it at the moment.

I've decided that the "I'm not dead yet" Tee Shirt and I are going down to the GPs. I need to raise my game here. I'm possibly even more upset than when I was diagnosed - I think it is the combination of things and the I'm getting and feeling better at last and this just stopping that feeling in its tracks.

Came over all unnecessary just then

I just had a bloody good cry. That little wave of emotion just came up and grabbed me. I wasn't expecting something like this I have to say. As it wasn't on my plan of how things are going to go that one really caught me full on the chin. High Glucose means one thing in my memory and that is diabetes. I suppose it may be nothing more than a warning signal and needs observation but it has shaken me to the core today.

If I wasn't paranoid that the "man was coming to get me" I might just be now. I have calmed down a bit and I'm going to go and sit quietly and go through some of my calming routines.

I've really had enough of being ill today and I was giving it the "why me?", "I don't deserve this" and all that old stuff.

Those of you who know me - will know this is just a temporary glitch and I'm going to be OK. I am just really feeling it today it's as if the last 10 months just crashed down on me after the phone call from the GP.

Worse things happen at sea of course!

That's nicely wiped out anything else I was planning to do today

Why is it everytime I build myself up and feel good some sod comes and rips it all down again. Damn it all.

That's my afternoon gone to pieces. Bloody hell.

Now What?

Oh sh1t - someting wrong with the blood tests - I need to go in again this afternoon to see the Doc. Repeat the blood tests - oh great!

What the hell else can be wrong?

That's It

My business VPN connection has been severed and I am now officially out of touch with my old company. Yesterday two more senior members resigned and so the after shocks reverberate on.

I have just cleaned off all my old files and shut down the laptop for the last time. A bit sad to see it go back into its case.

Back to Salt

There is a news report on the BBC web site today all about reducing salt and the subsequent reduction in heart disease. CLICK HERE to go to the web site and read the details.

Yesterday I was out in the evening as well as pigging out on a cooked breakfast earlier in the day - on both occasions the salt was left well alone but I did use some pepper. You can get used to it but they initial shock to the system is amazing as none of your food tastes right for perhaps a week or so.

Some people are SO nice

And I mean that without my normal cynical edge. Tonight there were a lot of people delighted about my news and I'm glad that they are glad to hear it. Another friend wasn't there tonight and that was particularly sad news. Seriously bad reactions to the chemotherapy and I'm really sad about that. Now what do I do when I drop a note to him? Tell him that I'm getting better? I don't think so. Not sure what to say as it is really serious and I was trying to work out what I found encouraging or helpful in the dark times myself?

Even I find it difficult to know what to say to someone suffering with a higher graded cancer than my own and there I was moaning about it earlier. I'm guessing I can do the emphatizing bit and I'm guessing that my glimmers of a recovery could be used as grab points.

Again, you feel pretty helpless at times like this.

The Habitual Patient

I couldn't quite get the hang of this but it sounded like someone was in every day to have their blood taken - every day!!! What on earth is that about? And someone was chatting away matter of fact about all the procedures and things that were wrong with her and I was thinking - here am I complaining about having 3 tests in 6 weeks (actually that IS a lot) and of course two last year. I suppose I should think myself lucky that the last time I was tested was 12 years or more and 30 years before that.

I hope that I don't have any other health problems as I don't think I could stand being a habitual patient and moving from GP to Hospital to clinic and being able to reference my days by what place I was going and what procedure I was having.

I need to remember that there are lot of people far worse off than I am.

My Theory - Old People at the Blood Clinic this morning

Perhaps they were my age when they arrived but they could never find a number and have been wandering around the corridors ever since? If I'd have waited any longer I would have been able to pull my bus pass and get a free ride home.

Roll on being Grandpa Simpson.

The Full Monty - in praise of the good old Greasy Spoon Cafe

After having my blood taken I was walking home and there was the local cafe. It's a nice little place, very clean and tidy, nice people and it does a good range of good honest, no frills, no fuss food.

So - hugely disappointed that I hadn't even got an "I've been a brave boy" sticker for my bravery in having my blood test, I thought I'll go and treat myself. Now as a treat, having food may not seem particularly high up on the list. A New Car, a holiday perhaps but food?

Of course. There is nothing like a good full Monty, full blow out English Breakfast is there? They'd just checked my cholesterol and all the other stuff and lets face it, I've been eating like a test pilot for Weight Watchers this past 6 weeks! So I decided that my treat for not only being a brave boy but also to be a little naughty and get those blood sugars and cholesterol back up to where they should be I'd go for the breakfast that working men quake in their boots when they see it. Yes - The Full Monty. I wasn't disappointed either. Two rounds of toast with an ocean of salted butter atop them. Two fried eggs, two rashers of back bacon, two pork sausages, baked beans and - yes - bubble (for the uninitiated - Bubble and Squeak - sort of like a hash brown but with onion and /or leek in it). The oval plate was covered, you couldn't see the porcelain beneath the whole plate and there is something about busting a couple of fried eggs open and letting the yolk mingle with the bean juice that just says - Knoshing Irons to the ready - PIG OUT!!!!

I duly pigged out and of course you have to use your bread or toast to mop up all the juice.

I reckon I have consumed enough salt and sugar to keep me going for a month but hey - it really is only every now and then. It sure made up for the waiting about for the blood test and breaking my fast too.

Long live the Greasy Spoon and the Full Monty say I!

Bugger me what was all that about

Fast overnight and go to the local Hospital to get your blood tested - no problem here is the envelope thingy.

It was like the first day at a clearance sale. I got there bang on time - I had a lovely slow walk along roads that I have never walked down before (I've lived around here most of my life) and it was like the doors swung open and I followed the crowd. Then it said take a number - where are the numbers? On the Table says the old dear next to me so I walked back but they weren't there today - oh no they are in between all of the chairs where people are already having their blood taken. So I got No.26 - Yes that's what I thought. Then there is the warning notice that it is ALWAYS BUSY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING - Oh great!

So I stuck on the music and waited - and waited and - oh you get the picture. About 9:30 I suppose I got called in so I had waited an hour. The chap who did my blood was a nice lad and I was done in a few minutes. I just close my eyes and go into deep breathing and off to my quiet place (we did this in hypnotherapy) I have a nice lake all to myself with mountains and a pine forest and all that, the water laps slowly and rhythmically on the shore.

In the next post I shall share with you my reward :-) Fasting since 8 pm (or earlier in fact) the night before and then going into this chaos was not my idea of an good morning. However it is over now and I shall make sarcastic reference to this when I speak to my GP tomorrow.

Knowing how I am with Hospitals and Doctors I think he may understand why I was less than impressed with the rosy picture painted. I reckon if I had gone back late morning it would have been clearer and they say after 2 pm it is the best time.

It's OK to be scared sh1tless

I was reading in another forum how frightened someone was of having a cystoscopy. I think if you've read my stuff you probably know how downright scary some of this stuff can be and I'm your worst for anything like that. I think that my recent hypnotherapy went a long way to take away some of the worry but I did feel for this particular person.

It is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever had happen to me. The stress leading up to any of the procedures is pressure you can hardly imagine. The nerves and the fright and being scared and not having any sleep or being frightened to go to sleep are all part of the territory of this and I imagine any serious disease.

Because of how they get to see inside your bladder whether male or female and that in some cases they do that whilst you are awake and with a local anaesthetic is again a trauma all of its own.

So I felt so sorry for this person who was about to have this done and who you could read in between the lines was emotionally drained and perhaps even being physically sick.

There's a sort of thing people say to you about you "being brave" and actually, if the truth be known you are quaking and scared to pieces. We each have to find our ways to deal with this and that really is part of every persons own battle with their disease, their staging and their recovery. Some people just get on and let it happen to them, others like me get on with it and use various techniques (including denial I'm sure) to get on with it. Just writing this makes me feel slightly uneasy.

I've gone a long way around saying that it is OK to be scared and to be frightened and it is a natural thing to feel apprehensive about some of these procedures. Sure, there are worse things that can happen to you (someone told me that but I doubt that they'd ever had an IVU) but it is YOU going through these and it is how it affects you that matters.

If there is any consolation, it is that the human body amazes me every time. It is 1 week since my operation and whilst I feel some small discomfort - you'd hardly know. I do of course :-)

Remarkably Calm

Considering I have to go and give blood tomorrow. My blood pressure is slightly higher and yet my pulse rate is down. I'm not allowed to eat until afterwards and only drink water.

I shall see what it is like tomorrow as I am going to go to the other Hospital near me. I didn't fancy returning to the scene of the crime and so the other one is smaller and about the same walking distance so I'll try that.

Whilst I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not dreading the visit. My hypnotherapy man seems to have done a neat trick turning this sort of stuff into positives. Neither am I going to go accompanied, I think I have to learn to do these things on my own.

I don't fancy having to do this regularly though, nor do I really like the idea of being on any kind of drugs at all. Especially as these ones will be for - potentially - the rest of my life unless all the cumulative effects of my life style changes bring everything back to a reasonable level.

I should thank my lucky stars that my blood pressure problems were found as a result of the cancer I suppose - otherwise I could have been in serious trouble with my Blood Pressure being that high.

An Honest Day's Work

What on earth is that? Honest day - sound like an Employer's phrase to me...

I did some work today that I hadn't done for years and it was (sort of) enjoyable in a strange round about way. I don't suppose that digging around PCs and cabling and grubbing around under desks is everyone's cup of tea but I enjoyed it.

The report writing at the end of it is a bit of a blow but you have to do that too. It takes me back a few years I can tell you.

So is everything different this morning?

No of course not, it feels just like any other day. I am going off to work this morning - not exactly paid work but something to get me back into the swing of things. It should be interesting.

The jobs market appears to be quite active and there were a few jobs coming through yesterday. I've tentatively applied for those. Whilst I've still got to work out exactly what I'm going to say to people about the next lot of treatment, at least I can start to work out how to approach that and explain it.

End of Days

Well that is it. I worked for the company I always wanted to and wasn't disappointed except for the end result which was hardly necessary and totally avoidable.

Will I get to work for them again? Does the lure of part time or the lure of what could have been affect my decision? I don't know. Tonight I'm just thankful that I had the time I did there as they were such a fabulous bunch of guys and girls. They deserved so much more than they got.

I'm going to stay in touch and hope that they lever their way out of the problems they are in. I can reflect on my time with them and also my problems which kind of mirror the issues they have had. I'm climbing out of the depressive stage and hoping to make my way on to something new, challenging and achievable. They have to do the same with or without me.

De-Mob happy

I am certainly de-mob happy at the moment. I really didn't want to leave my last job but needs must and all that and that is my lot, I'm finished and history or "toast" as they say.

I really haven't thought through the next steps in any great detail - I'll just let serendipity dictate the next few weeks.

Ring out the old - ring in the new

As if on cue a call at 5:30 with someone looking for a specialist to work in the City starting almost immediately.

Can't be bad, I'd probably been out of work for 30 or 40 seconds by then.

Out to lunch

A nice few beers with a friend of mine and we can go and compare medical notes and have a moan about the NHS.

How do you look at it

Remember Tommy Cooper? A UK based comedian and you could look at it "Like that" or "Like That" and so on.

I'm sounding more upbeat everyday and whilst that may appear to be what you "should do" it isn't always as it depends on what you read into what you are told. Sometimes I look at what I have written and think it very negative or it conveys a negative view and yet it probably isn't my intention to do that.

I think that today I've settled down to the fact that I've come through the really difficult stuff and this is a new phase. I'm not over impressed with having to go for blood tests on Thursday but I'll do that as it takes me along the next step. Being downgraded and going onto a BCG regime would for some seem to be a horrible thing to look forward to. If you consider that the last lot has most probably got rid of the CIS that was there and that the small area that needed work was also probably low grade then it makes sense to use the BCG to obliterate any signs of the cancer that may be left. It is heavy, it is drastic stuff and I can't remember the exact words the GP used but it is like "Wow - that really is heavy stuff to use how did you get on?"

So I'm probably going to get a sledgehammering to start with but isn't that a good thing? I think because it is so violent that not everyone can live with it. Anyway, I think that it may well be worthwhile especially if it stops the cancer coming back.

I hope that I don't put anyone off having BCG - you should read my earlier posts about the experience and the way to manage it. When you've had the treatment and then you get the results you'll find it is worth it and it is immunotherapy not chemotherapy so it only works locally and right where the cancer is.

Last Day Today

An era comes to an end at 5:30 pm when my notice period runs out and I am no longer employed by one of the only companies that I'd ever really wanted to work for. To say that the last 10 months have been challenging would be an understatement. I got the job of my dreams and hadn't been there 5 minutes when the bladder cancer struck. After all the treatment and getting myself built up for some really big challenges, the New Year brought disappointment as projects fell by the wayside and then redundancy.

Tomorrow I can start a new page in my business life. I've so many options and I haven't decided what I really want to do as of the moment. One thing that is important are the results of the operation. They will determine the course of treatment and how long that will last. If BCG then that could be another 6 weeks worth - not nice but it tends to mean two days off for 6 weeks. I might get maintenance which is just the three weeks and again two days off. It is pretty harsh and you can't take it lightly like I have tended to. So realistically I can write off two days a week for 6 weeks which means that I probably wont start a job until mid June at the earliest and I'll be looking to go on Holiday in July!

It seems that I can never get the timing right. I wouldn't want to lumber a new employer with only partial ability to work unless I suppose it was part time. Nothing is ever easy.

OK - Off Betas and now for the next phase

Blood test (Oh how I love those). That will be Thursday morning as I am out tonight and need to fast which would hardly be possible as I am on the razzle. I am off the beta blockers for now. They were used to just assist the anxiety. That done I can come off those and again we can see what the readings show.

I might then be able to have a talk with my GP on Friday and see where we go from here. It looks like increasing the Ace Inhibitors to a specific level and then regular monitoring of my BP etc. That I am doing already and so if I continue that, start to get my fitness back etc., let the new diet and health regime kick back in again after being interrupted by the operation then we can get all this lot under control.

I'm sort of converted about having these tablets now. Having monitored my blood pressure for some time, to see the figures tumble to normal and the lower end of normal is proof that I probably needed to go on them. To then find all my family were on them - well there you go.

Like all these things really, I'm getting to that age where heart and soul really do need looking after. I still don't want to be a professional patient mind you but taking all reasonable advice and leading a healthier lifestyle (hard as that is) should in the end help present problems and I hope avoid others in the future.

Off to the GPs

This will be fun - NOT. I have now been to this GPs surgery loads of times in 9 months. Yet for 18 years I had only been there to register and to have a medical for an insurance policy.

I really don't want to be turning into a full or part time patient. Like the Hospital, whenever I go there. The whole place is full of sick people!

Personal Gain

I've been wrestling with this for a while. suddenly, none of this matters to me anymore. I've been "climbing the greasy pole" for a number of years and some time ago, working for a major corporate, I decided to get out of it and go and run my own business. I no longer needed to play the internal politics nor do anything else just to further my career although I did enjoy it, it held no massive hold over me, I enjoyed and got paid well (or I thought so then) what I was good at and, as I was good at my job, it didn't matter if I was a bit "Maverick" or just a little difficult for the bosses to handle. That was, after all, part of my charm and made me different to my peers. See, even in this there was my climb the pole differentiators.

Since then I have run my own business and have had to impress myself rather than my bosses. Last year I took permanent work and that again meant playing that sort of corporate game but, frankly, there wasn't that much heavy stuff going down so it wasn't necessary. Playing politics in a 128,000 people business as opposed to about 50 people business really wasn't going to be that challenging when the CEO employed you.

Recently in my social life, I've noticed that politics have entered that too and I'm not too happy about it but I do find it almost blindingly obvious who is doing what, who is maneuvering who etc. It may be my take on things but you never shake this sort of stuff off/ In social clubs, people do things (always the same people) and they get bad mouthed by the people who don't do anything and if you do something you are sucking up to the chairman and all of this. Then there are the little squabbles and someone leaves as they've had enough.

I have to say that after my recent experiences, it really doesn't matter a fig about all of this. My Mum still says the words that her mum used to say

"You're a long time dead" and it really is true. Surely you can get on and sort these things out? It took a serious illness for me to see that half the things I wasted my time on before were hardly worth worrying about. If I worried about whether or not I was going to get this or that promotion or what was going to happen to me in ten years time? Well it isn't worth it is it - you could be dead tomorrow and that, is the change I need to start bringing about in myself. As I have said before, the issue then happens to be that if you want those around you to think and act like that too and they don't get it. It isn't life or death to them and they haven't had the benefit of the concentration of mind you have had through your life changing illness. Also this take s you back to the fact that only you have these thoughts and this urge to make the remaining time worthwhile! Gee life can be complicated sometimes :-)

I know just how you are feeling

Sorry NO you do not know just how I am feeling as I think that only I could ever know that. I've not had much of this but I have heard it said and it is used as a part of every day conversation but it isn't right.

What I say and what I feel are two totally different things. What I tell you and what I really feel are also quite different. If I told you that when my friend arrived tonight and that I was just moments from slinging my arms around him and having a bit of a blub - what do you think I was feeling then? Relief? Grateful thanks that he has always been such a support? Relieved I wasn't going to die? You don't know - how could you - even I was a bit taken aback at the emotions I felt. As it happened we just greeted each other quite normally but I was probably far more "extrovert" than I have been for months.

It just made me realise that people can "Imagine how you are feeling" perhaps they can "Understand how you are feeling" but I very much doubt that they "Know how you are feeling" lets face it you would have to have had the same operations, tests and results, be in the same situation family wise, job wise and be similar in every way to me to really understand that.

Pedant? Certainly, I find some phrases used in everyday conversation irritating to say the least. I do try very hard not to use the phrase of the day, typical phrases in dealing with major illness (well I wouldn't would I) and things like "Personally Speaking" or "My own opinion" or that sort of stuff.

Nuff said for tonight I think.

Still a little stinger

Mmmm, this isn't so nice. It is quite uncomfortable going to the toilet at the moment (passing urine). I'm guessing that it is just the bruising coming out and the blood earlier on today probably didn't help matters much either.

I've tried to be a little less active and not to do stupid things like lift heavy weights and all that. Unfortunately, I forget occasionally.

I'm now realising that I am slightly anxious about tomorrows meeting with the GP as my BP is a little higher than I expected it to be. I can't imagine that we are talking massive changes straight away as the outcome of last week's procedure hasn't truly been explained in detail.

I think I will also be making the point about being a professional patient as well.

I need to get out there and recover my life - I've spent 9 months or more fighting and I think I deserve a few days off for good behaviour :-)

Little Stinger

I've spent the afternoon lying down in a darkened room and had a few hours snooze. Seems to have stopped the bleeding now. The trouble as you can imagine is that the bladder is a muscle and so it is possible that this was a scab coming off one of the biopsy points or where they hooked out the suspicious bit.

Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on things and making sure that I don't do anything stupid like lift anything heavy and other such pursuits. It really is so easily done.

Little Stinger? Yes, if you have blood in your urine it gives you just a little sting to let you know. Just like cystitis (if you have ever had that?). It is enough to make you take in a short little breath and sort of half double up but it isn't that bad.

I'm out tonight and then off to the Doctor in the morning - I'm going to find out about this blood pressure thing a bit more then. I've been checking my BP these past 4 days or so with my new machine and it appears to be reasonable levels to me. I suppose it will be whether or not to continue the beta blockers or not.

I've not touched my exercise bike for a week and a bit as I had injured my back and then had the hospital and as you can imagine, exercise may just start off the bleeding again. What I think would have been apparent if I had continued would have been more weight loss (I've only lost kilo) and I think I'd have also continued to improve my BP results too through more cardio exercise.

More on that after we meet tomorrow.

Retired Hurt

I had forgotten just how knackered this recuperation period makes you.

I can only see a whopping great bruise on my right hand (you have to believe it) and that oblong of missing hair on my leg which as the hair is growing back is itching like hell. And of course there is the rather delicate matter of the um well, delicate matter so to speak which is still a little sore to say the least. You don't see anything else that makes you stop and think. There are no scars, stitches, plaster casts, splints (although that would be interesting) and the like to remind you that you've just been sliced about a bit.

I hope that I haven't gone back to the GPs too early by having an appointment in the morning. But my beta blockers run out tomorrow and if I am to stand any chance in the next Olympics - I need to be taking those!

I am feeling quite light headed and a little weak this afternoon and so I will be packing away the office stuff and going and sitting in the front room. I've got some cerebral work to do and I'll do that and relax.

Let this be a lesson to you - or me more likely!

Bugger - bleeding again

Serves me right for trying to run before I can walk again won't it? Just went to the loo and thought - Mmm that looks like blood and it was.

You get a little warning like this occasionally and it just says to you "SLOW DOWN DUMMY!"

So in that case I shall - slow down that is.

If you have this yourself - just remember that when they said rest up for a week or don't drive for a week - they probably meant it. Me? I've driven the car around yesterday (long distance) and today on two or three short runs. Now I am paying for it. Doh!

Previous post looked a bit worse than it was

I was trying, unsuccessfully to say that life goes on and that in the overall scheme of things its a small thing no matter how big it is to me.

Maybe it is only me then

That is elated about the current situation. It was as if everyone else was just floating around me this weekend. I felt that some people were really pleased (as was I) and yet nothing changed. It was as if it had never happened.

It only happened to me of course. Maybe it only ever mattered to me?

I asked my wife whether the children knew. She said - "yes they did". Nothing was said, nothing was different, nothing had changed. Just me - I changed this weekend, I moved on and I now realise that no one else will change with me as no one else has the disease, lives with it, fights it and moves on from it other than me.

Cheshire Cat Job

I have been smiling like a Cheshire Cat for sure all day and it was a fantastic day - i had a great time - I'm never sure if everyone else does though. I managed to drive all the way there which was good and was able to do the raffle and to spend time sorting things out.

Home gone 6:30 so much longer day than we are used to. But again, I'm not sure if everyone else wanted to be home so late.

But do I care?

Lovely Day

I'm not greatly impressed that I'll have to be wearing a suit today though - it is really shorts and tee shirt weather. We are off for a meal in the heart of Kent today.

The roads are bound to be packed as people make their way out for the day. At least it will give the A/C some exercise.

Sinking in

Slowly and surely I am beginning to take in the news and I'm still not sure. I actually feel quite drained this evening. I've spent a few hours just sitting outside in the garden in the dark and thinking things through and sitting quietly.

I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get on with some of the stuff I've been thinking about and some of the plans I've been cooking up whilst I have been undergoing treatment. I'm not certain that everything will come off though.

As I've been away from everyone, I've allowed myself a few tears tonight - not too many - just enough to relieve the system . Tomorrow I have to meet lots of people and I'm not absolutely sure how I am going to handle things. Some know others don't. It is all becoming more powerful emotionally than I thought it would and it is building slowly. I still don't see the leaping down the road Hollywood finale materialising but perhaps a quieter personal and private version -maybe?

Too much thinking going on for a Saturday night - obviously.

[Goodness - for the first time on the whole blog I've spelt "beginning" properly - I don't know what that means but it is a milestone of sorts]

Absolutely Knackered

I decided that I should wash the car as we are going out tomorrow. I'm absolutely knackered and thought at one time I was going to need to sit down for a while.

Many who know me would not be surprised at this shirking of hard work :-) but really, - I can only guess that the anaesthetic is still working its way out of my body as I wouldn't normally be this tired after washing a car. I was thinking of perhaps getting back to my exercises again but I think I might wait a few days.

An appointment has been made with the GP to go and "negotiate" over my blood pressure on Tuesday. Perhaps I'll discuss the whole package with him then.

The fear of becoming/being a professional patient

It sits in the back of my head that I'm concerned about being one of these "Professional Patients" - you know, the ones who have been there and done that got the Tee Shirt, DVD, Book (signed by the author) and can quote medical terminology, drug types, side effects, dosage levels and the latest research at you. They can then tell you in intimate detail the procedures, the cocks ups and the revisits that they have had.

I also don't want to end up down the GPs every few weeks getting checked out and pushed and poked and having "routine" blood tests and all that either. Having managed to avoid the inside of a GPs surgery for all but a very few times in 30 years I don't want to know what pattern the wallpaper is nor to be discussing with fellow patients when they will get around to fixing that piece of peeling paper in the corner.

Reading back on the blog last night (or early this morning) I was more and more concerned that I am spending time being a patient and concentrating on getting well, staying well and understanding it and managing it that life is very one sided. I expect that it probably has to be still for a short while. I've survived the past 9 months or so of this and now I've got to put this to one side and in a way park it and move on. If the dangers are receding then I can perhaps take a backwards step in these next few weeks and review this, park it perhaps, and then move on in a different direction.

A bit of a digression there but that's it really isn't it, time to move on and put this behind me, take a deep breath and move on.

Retrospective

Someone told me the other day that I had had a terrible time of it with horrible things happening to me. I suppose that is true. It is less than ten months since it all started. If you'd have told me a year ago I would have gone through this much I would have doubted your sanity.

Just listing the procedures is enough. The first signs and the weeks of terror at the abnormality and knowing "surely" that it was fatal! That truly awful local anaesthetic scope, the shock of the diagnosis even though I thought it was that all along, the operation and recovery period first time, weak as a kitten, still frightened, and then (Oh my God) that awful IVU X-Ray thingy when I truly wasn't ready for it. The next follow up operation and its unexpected outcome, recovering from that. The relief of the results but the subsequent realisation that whilst it looked better - things were more dangerous. The 6 weeks of Immunotherapy before Christmas. Getting better and fitter and getting ready for a New Year and then to be made redundant. The disappointment of the operation being set back and all the blood pressure problems and then the last operation. Putting it that way - how can I not say that I agree with them.

I ought to add here that on top of this you can add the stress, panic, strain, terror and pain. Then stretching your relationships with family and friends to breaking point, losing your get up and go (mine got up and went) and not really wanting to do anything or commit to anything either.

Let's add to that the problem of finding a new job that is going to be flexible enough to accommodate the next course of treatment. Let's face it, an interview now would mean that I may not really be able to put a full week in for 2 or more months.

I can add to this that there are other pressures that aren't immediately apparent. How about trying to plan a holiday - no one got a real holiday last year. The ability to commit to dates, other than weekends in case treatment clashes or overruns. Whether or not your insurance actually covers and whether the Consultant and GP will get the right forms back. I mean it has only been 6 months they have been trying to sort this out. Who knows whether the damn thing will ever pay out. If things had have been worse then you can imagine that the family wouldn't have got anything which sort of defeats the object of taking it out in the first place.

Loss of concentration, lack of any ability to plan, loss of enthusiasm for anything really, stuff screwing up your thoughts and a brain that just wont do what I tell it too (perhaps my brain has turned female??). Not getting much sleep and processing lots of options and what if scenarios - you know what if this happens, how will I do this, If I cant find a job how long can we last, will I be around for my Kids graduation / weddings and all that sort of guilt stuff. Oh yes and if only I hadn't have done so and so in 1970 something.

I am sure I could add to this list a couple more pages of negatives.

What about the positives?

Better life style than ever
Heightened sense of the ridiculous
The experience (I doubt I am a better person - just changed)
Major changes coming
Fitter

I can't think of many others at the moment. I am amazed at the recuperative powers of the human body. I saw people smashed up worse than I was and they recovered as did I. I really felt beaten up the first two times and either I'm getting used to it or resilient or I'm just plain too stupid to feel knocked out! I am amazed how you can deal with a situation in many different ways and the processes you have to go through to achieve your goals. The demons you have to slay for yourself and the way you do that. I'm more surprised that I have the ability to be patient with people who are utterly stupid or just plain bloody ignorant. Whilst I like to show a hostile and belligerent attitude - I do try and be measured even when people are being downright stupid.

Of course I'd never ever wanted to be in the position, but I am. What can I observe looking back? Not a lot, I did some important things to aid my recovery and stuck to them. I took it upon myself to find out all I could - disturbing as that was. I know what the options are and I have the ability to discuss those with my consultant and her team. I trust my team and I do everything that I can to support what they are doing. I may not like what is happening to me but I will not stand in their way, I may whinge about it but I do get on and have the treatment.

I took it on myself to change the way I lived so that it would support the work that was being done. Being fit enough to be treated and fit enough to recover are MY side of the deal.

Writing it down is beneficial for me and (I am told) for others. Sometimes I don't like reading things that I wrote but I will leave the comments there for people to see.

I am so glad I didn't get anything more serious, more invasive or more deadly.

I still haven't realised how close I came or still could come with this. A few layers of cells - that is all, a few layers of cells.

We won't do was it luck or something else tonight - or as it is in the early hours of the morning. I'm afraid that hasn't stopped happening. I have the worst sleep patterns these days.

A very strange old day

It has been a strange day and I'm going to retire hurt in a moment :-)

So many people are happy for me and I'm sort of quietly happy for myself and my family. We are the only people not shouting about it. Strange isn't it. Almost a surreal experience - I wonder when it can have even been so arse about face?

Why am I not celebrating

I just spoke to my friend who is cancer free and therefore cured. Same with him, no reaction apart from thank goodness, that's good, nice, great etc.

We were working out whether that is because it isn't a binary thing. It doesn't just happen. That the stress and trauma of the past which is all bottled up and generally hidden is suddenly released and that is suppressing your elation.

Perhaps because you are geared up to hear the absolute worst case scenario and then get almost the opposite news - it is just so hard to take it in. Who knows - the shrinks would have a field day and I'm sure I could find my Kubler Ross area - if so then I am probably "testing" at the moment.

It is weird as I am gradually and quite cautiously letting people know and yet although I am happier today than I was yesterday I'm not ecstatic nor am I anywhere like where I thought I'd be.

Have I become over cautious, more pessimistic or perhaps something else has changed in me. I mean after this news I'm meant to pack it all in, buy a yacht and sail around the world or something like that and I don't feel like that either. I suppose we will have to see how it pans out over time. Sorry not to be leaping up and down and whooping and yelling. :-)

My New Toy has arrived

A proper blood pressure monitor with an arm cuff and averaging on it etc. First readings are good and show that my little wrist monitor wasn't as bad as we first thought.

I've now started a chart and will do morning and night as I need to go and see the GP next week for the next steps in getting this sorted. I've a feeling that Tuesday will be a fun day.

Gradually it sinks in

A flurry of phone calls this morning and a very sleepless night. Slowly I am beginning to "get it" - It's not seeing the light at the end of a tunnel I decided. It's changing motorways but not knowing how long you are on this one for as I still don't have a clue where I'm going, my maps aren't drawn yet and my GPS only tells me when I'm almost at the junction what to do next :-)

Note to self - stop talking in metaphors or similes as these are like signposts clouding your blogs?

Glossary / Vocabulary

I don't mean to stuff in buzz words but of course it happens from time to time and reviewing some of my posts there are a few words that need definition

THIS LINK takes you to a list of acronyms used.

Why is Abbreviation such a long word?

It still isn't registering

Come on brain - I sometimes have the brain speed of Homer Simpson. I've just written off to lots of people I know to tell them the news and I am not upbeat about it at all. It is all matter of fact and I'm not leaping around punching the air or any of the other things that I thought I might do.

I've probably spent so much time downplaying my chances so as not to be disappointed that the shock of getting a good end of term report has quite shocked me. No straight "A"s but with a bit more effort on both parts that is achievable.

Perhaps I have now glimpsed the beginning of the end or the light at the end of the tunnel. I've only seen this last 9 months as the worst period of my life and hadn't expected to start to come out of the other side quite so soon or quite so fast. I've hoped and I suppose I've taken some serious knocks along the way - the second operation and losing my job were two further kicks in the teeth I could have done without. But hey, this is good news and yet others are more pleased than I am about it.

It is damn strange me wanting to be free of this and working towards getting well again and then when I get some encouragement I blink hard and find it difficult to believe.

I sound ungrateful but I'm not. I'm certain that these are the tricks an illness like this plays on you. You just don't trust things and you need double assurances. Perhaps grasping for straws too early and being let down means you are just that much more cautious. I'm cautiously optimistic and yet, if all is clear there is light at the end of the tunnel - it is long term and we are probably talking about 10 years of treatments (maintenance) and flexible cystoscopy examinations before getting an all clear and, nasty little thing that BC is, it can come back and you start all over again.

There is no pleasing some people - I think I just turned into "Some People" :-)

Dare I believe the news?

I still can't believe that things may now be OK. I'm still stunned and I can't believe that I heard it properly. I'm hedging my bets and waiting until I hear from my Specialist in a few weeks time, with the evidence with the staging and with the next steps.

I really still don't know whether to scream it out loud or just sit back and wait. I can feel the stupid grin beginning to crack across my face already.

The Yukky Bits

Well there had to be some blood and gore I suppose. Fortunately the bleeding (in urine) only lasted overnight and so that was a relief. I think it was a few days last time and about a week the first time and then I managed to do myself a mischief later. It is always disturbing especially as there are bits in it but, at least this time I knew that it would be so. It doesn't make it any easier because it is such an unnatural experience.

I'm still taking it easy. I caught myself running up the stairs earlier and I really shouldn't do that. It goes back to the "how do you feel" and also that you can't see or feel any surgery (no scars or stitches) you have had so it lulls you into a false sense of security. For the next 5 days or so, everyone else knows best and I SHOULD listen to them. I really do feel fine now apart from the aches and pains around my middle and certain other somewhat swollen areas shall we say :-)

Anyway - yukky bits are over for the moment. It looks as if I have the next round of yukky bits to come if and when they prescribe the next course of BCG which (very much looks like) has worked on the initial areas.

Pulled and pushed and poked about

Judging by the aches and twinges and an oblong of missing hair on my leg (ouch - it looks like a 6x4 elastoplast has been ripped off my leg) - they sure did pull me around.

My stomach, back and legs ache so I guess that is dragging me forwards and backwards on and off the trolley and getting the cystoscope where it needed to go. That's painful just thinking about it :-)

Oh yes, that is painful too - imagine getting kicked there but it taking a few days to get the bruises out. Sorry I can't be more graphic than that but it is uncomfortable rather than painful and there is a fair amount of "holding breath" goes on when going to the toilet. It takes a few days to get back to comfortable and about a week afterwards things should be OK.

Scar Wars IV – A Scrape in Time

Scar Wars IV – A Scrape in Time
(Cue Music)
Episode IV
Our hero, captured by the NHS Guard is held imprisoned at their secret Headquarters cunningly disguised as a Hospital.
Stuffed full of Pills, brain altered through hypnotherapy he tries to escape from the evil clutches of Dr. Catheter and her foul band of followers, Captain Cannula, Sergeant Ivy Drip, Naughty Night Nurse (Yea I wish!) and Volunteer Trolley.
Can our hero escape, are the walls too high, are the steaks too rare, will the car park be empty, does anyone care?

Why am I asking you?

Light Sabres ready?

Underpants over your trousers?

Read on – if you dare…….

It was different this time. It was an early morning start, The Hypno stuff kicked in nicely and anyone who knows what a wimp I really am would be surprised as they only needed one herd of stampeding Elephants to get me in. Well no – I walked in fine and I amazed myself.

The evening before had been interesting as I wasn’t my usual bag of nerves and being hypnotised and also having some drugs to control blood pressure and heart rate were also a godsend as I was so much calmer this time walking in. I had even managed a good 5 ½ hours sleep – unheard of.

All that changed though. They looked at the list and I wasn’t on the morning list. I was on the afternoon list! Heart sinking like a stone we were about to leave but were asked to stay. 3 ½ hours later they allocated me a bed and so I was able to get ready, in some form. The wait had been almost unbearable but I listened to my MP3 player intently and just switched off – in my own little world. A real annoyance is that the have placed a water machine in the admissions lounge. I hadn’t had a drink since the night before and all I could see were people coming in and filling their cups and the water bottle gurgling. Another mind trick devised by the NHS without anyone thinking of the way it pisses off their customers.

There is nothing quite like having nothing more to concentrate on than having your operation. Have people at the NHS never had this experience? If they had they would surely change the system – no one “wants” to be there. So after settling in, getting changed and doing the obligatory measurements (NO not that one) I was fitted with my rather fetching DVT socks, Operating Gown (hello Cheeky) and placed on my pre op bed slider etc. I then had the rest of the time remaining to lay down, listen to music and look out of the window and contemplate the upcoming proceedings.

As is always the case when you are on “Nil by Mouth” the food trolley and drinks trolley come around, some one pokes their head in and then see the card and says “sorry”. The waft of food and clinking of tea cups soon gave way to a quiet period and I was settling back when about 2 pm the Registrar arrived to “consent me”. This is the form that agrees for them to operate, take appropriate action, turn you into an Arsenal supporter, have possession over your immortal soul and many other caveats and small print that you haven’t the time or the inclination to read thoroughly and that provide the team with a get out for everything including nuclear war, earthquake and political upheaval – all the things a standard insurance policy will not give. Acts of God included.

The registrar described the procedure. I have to tell you I questioned just about everything he said. The way he was talking this could be worse than the first or second operations. 2 days catheterization, possible puncture of the bladder wall! Jeeps what were these guys going to do to me – I thought it was a few biopsies – he was talking re re-sectioning and I had that last time. I did mention that and he said it was a "maybe" and a "worst case scenario". I started to prepare myself for a repeat performance of the previous operations. I had a totally different view on what they were going to do but, I had to be ready to wake up in the state I was in last time.

Having signed the form a few minutes later the porters arrived to take me to theatre. I was a bit surprised as I hadn’t seen the anaesthetist and so I grabbed a copy of the notes I made about my meds and took those down to theatre with me.

The banter was interesting the Assistant Anaesthetist was chatting to the porters about their tattoos and wondering whether it hurt. There was a sort of general consensus about whether it did or it didn’t and the upshot was that where the tattoo went over a bony part that it did. That decided - and me looking to find another piece of paint drying - I finally got wheeled in to theatre. We squared away the meds I was on, sorted out which hand to stick the cannula and, as always, I got the blunt one again! This was really the only point at which I felt anxious and I did some deep breathing until they put in some mild pain killers and then that was it. Off to the land of Nod.

I remember coming too and being very pleasantly surprised that I didn’t have a catheter in place. No drips, no water bags – I was even reasonably conscious.

I was wheeled back to the ward where I finally got some water. I had been gone just 1 ½ hours and of that 30 minutes were spent before I got into theatre and I reckon I hadn’t been in for more than 10 or 15 minutes.

I was told that I could go home if I could pee normally and so I started drinking loads of water. Knowing what it was like last time, I decided that the best strategy was to show them a good jug full. WRONG! No they wanted a series of these – If I’d have known that I would have worked on a series of smaller ones. Of course last time I did that they weren’t happy and did bladder scans. We now come back to not being allowed to drink for what must have been close to 18 hours by then. I had no drip to hydrate me and so I was drinking litres of water at a time. The upshot was that it took me hours to produce the required quantity and yet if I had managed to show them a steady series I could have got out earlier. In the urology ward I think things would have been different but there you go. I got out at about 10 p.m.

The Specialist saw me and was very upbeat. A very small area that was suspicious, which was TURBT and taken away for analysis and a series of biopsies on the original and other areas. The view that they had was that apart from the one tiny area everything else looked fine. In a few weeks they might be able to downgrade. I might have to do the BCG again but (hey) that isn’t so bad.

Right now, I am coming to terms with what that means. I think it may be too early to break out the Champagne but perhaps a small celebration might be in order? Hey, why not a big celebration? I think it will take a little time to sink in, part of me is saying it is great news - the best, another part is saying that it is a little disappointed that not all of it was got. Another bit, unheard until writing this says something entirely different - it has to be good news as if they had upgraded rather than downgraded then you would be in trouble. It's like when people win something and they say "it hasn't sunk in yet!" I know exactly what they mean - I don't know whether to laugh or cry, run screaming out into the woods or what. I am very pleased though - relieved and pleased.

News - some good some bad

But - on the whole it is all good news so far.

Bad News:

• They had my appointment wrong I should have been late morning - I could have ate and I could have had some drink (more later on why that was important)
• There was s small area they had to TURBT but it must have been small as I was not catheterised

Good News:

• Apart form a very small area everything else looks good and should be downgraded in a few weeks
• No Catheter - you cannot believe how much better you feel when you haven't had one
• Home in a day
• I was a lot better than I normally am

I am home - I am OK

What a day - what a day..

I'm home, I'm tired, I'm going to bed but I am fine. More later.

Less than an hour to go now

I've had my shower and I am just going through my check list of things. I have to be at the Hospital at 7:45 meaning about 7:15 away from here, getting parked and then walking into to the admissions lounge. I do hope that they are not showing Casualty or ER like they did last time I was there. Either these people have an advanced sense of the ridiculous or they are sadists. I think they had one of those programmes last time live from some hospital and frankly it did nothing for my nerves. I remember turning the damn thing off when someone left the room.

For the first time I'll have already had my assessment and so it will be straight onto the ward without all the medical staff fussing over me.

It seems quite strange me calmly sitting here at the PC when all the other times I have been sat here but playing solitaire or tertis or some such thing with my headphones on and locked away from the world. Today I'm the opposite to that.

Actually Slept

A first - a reasonable and quite creditable 5 hours sleep. I listened to some music and then went to sleep. Had some strange dreams but not too upsetting - all were about different experiences of what today will bring.

Woke a few times but other than that - it hasn't been too bad. I've had my tablets with a tiny amount of water and I'm just going off now to have a shower and start to get myself ready for the rest of today.

I don't feel the normal dread - nor do I feel anything approaching it. A little apprehensive of course - but otherwise OK.

114/79/65 - that will do nicely :-)

Support

Nice to get some phone calls of support this evening and I'm still feeling OK. A little bit "quiet" but OK nonetheless. I thought I was going to go into one of my shells for the evening but that hasn't happened.

Everyone else has gone to bed - I am just watching a film and having a last drink. I can then do the last few minutes of checking I have everything and then be ready for the morning.

I'm just surprised I am still keeping it all together.

Leave it alone

That is it - I shall leave my desk now and wander downstairs and try and find some other distraction for a short while.

I need to do a final pack of stuff to take with me and then I can just have a few things to put in the case tomorrow morning.

7:45 is an early start considering that I am not allowed any drink past 6:30 I need to be up in sufficient time to have my tablets and I cannot eat past midnight. That's what happened in that film Gremlins! I'd better watch out then - I don't want to turn into one of them!

Wish me luck :-)

How low can you go

No not limbo dancing! Doh!..

I thought (as you do) it would be fun to do my BP readings 117 / 75 with a pulse of 65.

Any lower they'd have had to check for breathing signs!

Not bad considering my usual condition this near going in.

Going into my shell now

I can tell - very short answers to questions and not offering more than that at all. I'm nowhere near as bad as I have been but now I'm getting into the introspective part. I do go very quiet and start to switch myself off from now on.

However, I'm not as nervous as I have been at this point in time. I suppose I will have to wait and see how I mange the next 14 hours?

Not Me

Something interesting I was just talking to a friend of mine about. "Not Me" - another strategy to use once you are in Hospital. It can be a way to get through whatever you are having done by imagining it is happening to someone else. It is a strange thing but after a while you tend to look quite distractedly at what is happening to you. What can you do about it after all?

You are on the roller coaster and you just need to shut your eyes and get to the end of it. So just divorcing yourself from the reality of the situation can be another tool. It was like being disconnected from reality and seeing things happen and not worrying that they were happening to you at all.

Anyway, that is another way around some of this stuff. It will be interesting to see what tomorrow might bring. It kicks in once you realise that you are not going anywhere and you just have to roll with it.

Calm Things

I've decided to start listening to some music now and have my MP3 player pumping out some sounds. For the record (no pun intended)

I have:

• Jean Philipe Rameau - Une Symphonie Imaginaire
• Sting - Dream of the Blue Turtles and Brand New Day
• Mike Oldfield - The Complete Mike Oldfield Vols I & II
• Ludovico Einaudi - Le Onde and Una Mattina
• Antony & the Johnsons - I am a Bird Now
• Coldplay - Parachutes
• David Gray - A New Day at Midnight and White Ladder
• Hootie and the Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
• Jean Michelle Jarre - Oxygene, Equinoxe and Rendez-Vouz
• Yann Tiersen - The Amelie Soundtrack
• Jools Holland - Small World - Big Band
• Mel C - Northern Star and Reason
• Mozart - Requiem (yes I wondered about that too)
• Travis - The Invisible Band
• Pink Floyd - The Dark Side of the Moon
• Odds and Ends include Band of Brothers theme, Byrds, Argent and Colin Bluntstone's Old and Wise.

Things that got missed out this time:

• Michael Nyman
• Classic FM - Do Not Disturb Classics
• Crosby Stills Nash and Young
• James Taylor
• Carole King
• Alan Parsons Project and Colin Bluntstone
• Seal
• Bruce Hornsby and the Range
• Ex Cathedra - South American Baroque music
• Karl Jenkins - Requiem and the Armed Man

No Dreams or Nightmares

It is funny that I haven't had the dreams and the nightmares leading up to this admission. I had them some weeks ago. Perhaps the medicine and the hypno have taken away some of that?

I am pleased that I am still OK and not lying down in a darkened room like I normally am. It really is quite strange not to be all wound up and upset. I've been slowly building up to packing my bag and all the odds and ends to take in. I have a list of things here.

Keeping busy is all very well, it is running out of things to do that I'm more worried about.

I'm thinking that by this time tomorrow - I should be out and back on the ward and just relaxing - let's hope so.

MP3 Player - brilliant

Impressive - over 265 songs on my MP3 player - that should be enough for a week let alone a couple of days...

The last time I went in with a CD player, spare batteries and about 16 CDs. This time just a few spare batteries and the player which fits in my pocket - it is amazing.

Positive Thoughts and Suggestions

These are the thoughts that I have to put in to reinforce the hypnotherapy work. Those of us, of a certain age, will snigger a bit at the first and last ones as they were what Frank Spencer used to say in "Some Mothers Do 'Ave Them". However, I'm not going to knock this as it works for me.

There is far more to the session than this of course - these positive suggestions just need to be repeated every now and then. That makes them more powerful each time. Don't forget that these thoughts are already in my subconscious.

• Every day in every way I am getting better and better
• I am in control, I create my own reality
• Negative thoughts have no power over me, I am in control
• I create my own reality through the power of my mind and this is so
• I persistently think and act in the direction of my good and my goal; to be a happy, healthy, relaxed person
• I am love. I am loving, loved and beloved
• I am healed by the Creative Force within me
• My body knows just how to keep me well and I pay close attention to its signals. I obey those signals, I relax, I let go and stay well
• My body systems are co-operating with the surgical procedure, we are all working together to create healing
• My blood pressure is normal and will stay that way
• My lungs breathe easily and effortlessly
• Every day in every way I am getting better and better

This time tomorrow

I'll have been "in" for an hour. I'm a lot better this morning and my back is just lightly twinging.

Today is as much about preparation as about sorting out the odds and ends of bits and pieces that have accumulated on my desk these past few days. So much paperwork and notes and post-its. I'll work my way through these to keep myself busy today.

That is a big part of today's strategy. Keep myself tied up with a list of small things and use up today's hours distracting myself from tomorrow's goings on. There are a number of things to do including packing, setting up my MP3 player, sorting out a book to take in with me and just doing some reinforcing stuff that my hypnotherapist left me.

The rest of the day is going to be spent trying to sort out the non balancing balance sheet :-) some letters and cheques I need to pay in and to catch up with invitations and acceptances and other stuff too.

Coming to terms with the outcome

It hasn't happened yet of course. I'm hoping that things have gone well and that I'll be put on maintenance. Like last time, of course, there is the possibility that they will find something and operate straight away. I won't know until I come around on that one.

The very worst that can happen is things have got seriously worse and that they'll need to do some serious work on me. I would imagine they would have to tell me after they had done biopsies etc.

If the treatment hasn't worked but things haven't got seriously worse then they can do another set of instillations and potentially they can do another batch with some heavier chemical cocktails in them.

I realised only recently that I really hadn't come to terms with either the seriousness of my condition nor indeed quite what it was going to mean to me. I think that I deal with it in a way that it isn't that serious (to me), it is treatable and that it isn't going to get me. I'm not sure of my level of conviction when I say it though. I think I have more doubts now (some brought about by the delay) that I did 3 or 4 months ago. I've been told by a number of professionals that I have had some nasty stuff happen to me and it was no wonder I was stressed out. All in all I have realised - perhaps in the past three or four weeks - just how serious and how nasty bladder cancer is especially in its CIS form.

This new "calmness" has been a relief to me as I feel very much at ease with things and perhaps able to cope with the next steps in treatment. I'm so pleased with the hypnotherapy - I really am finding it difficult to think in any truly dark and negative ways, those thoughts are turned and held at bay.

But there are loose ends in all of this too. It isn't just the treatment, it is things like insurances, job, career, family, friendships. money, lifestyle, overall health and a combination of things that all add to the mix. It isn't just a yes or no after Wednesday as each element (and I'm sure there are more than the few above) are going to interact with the other to dictate the next route to follow.

I need to get away from the guilt of having the luxury to think like this - some folks never get the chance do they?

The work / life / balance thing has never been more apparent to me than at the moment. Clearly I've made some quite important changes to my diet, my lifestyle and my outlook. The next set of decisions - post Wednesday - will probably also change the way I live my life from that point onwards. To date I am holding back and I'm still being very cautious. I wonder if I will throw caution to the wind or take the brakes off a bit, whether I'll look to work back in the fast and furious world or take a back seat. I wonder too if I'll be looking long or short term on such things?

Someone said life begins at 40. I'm 50 later this year - perhaps life truly begins then for me?

Speculation is fine I suppose - I need to wait until Wednesday and then perhaps a few weeks later to really know.

A bit better tonight

I did no exercises this morning and my back has been rather tender all day but now, late at night it appears to be a lot better. I really didn't do much today and so almost complete rest. I'll see what tomorrow brings as I'd have liked to have done some more exercise before going into hospital. I will probably have to stop for a week afterwards remembering what they told me last time I was in.

I'll spend some time getting ready tomorrow and sorting myself out ready for Wednesday. I'm still feeling remarkably calm (for me) and whilst I'm not looking forward to the event, I am not like I usually am and getting more and more stressed out.

I really am quite impressed with both the medication and also the hypnotherapy which seems to have helped quite a bit.

Not a lot better this morning

My back is still giving me twinges to remind me it is there. I can only imagine it was a combination of loading, unloading and dragging the bouncy castle around too :-) Plus being on my feet the rest of the day here probably didn't help.

I hope I've gotten rid of this by tomorrow or Wednesday latest otherwise going into Hospital is going to be added fun.

Talking of which, I still appear to be a lot calmer about that than I have been before and I am not getting that "dread" feeling too. I am really hoping that I can carry this through over the next few days.

I paid for it on Sunday

Bad back - I wonder if that was the Easter Egg Hunt or pulling the BBQ out of the shed or just as I was on my feet for most of the day?

Whatever I have a sore back and whilst I can move about I can only do that slowly.

Long, Long Day

It was a long day today, we started early and went to set up the Easter Egg Hunt and together with some really superb friends we had a wonderful morning and I really hope made some young people's day. I felt really good about our efforts today and I am sure that those who attended enjoyed the entertainment we put on.

Later on we had friends over for a barbecue. That took a bit more organising and work than I had expected. I unleashed my secret weapon recipe. Hot plums on Toasted Hot Cross Buns. You must try this. Slice up some plums (they say grill them). I put them on a searing pan and then cooked them down adding some honey and then after toasting some Hot Cross Buns, empty the plums and honey onto them. Wonderful.

A good day...

Crikey

I do 6.5kMs on my cross trainer or more every day - that is 4 miles roughly. That's not bad at all.

In on a day like today

I remember my Mum saying that to me - it is a wonderful day outside and I am - stuck in here! I think I will try and wrap everything up in the next hour and sit outside.

My BP is even lower and all is ship shape today. I suppose I had better look out for getting a BP reading of 0/0/0 !

Morning Report

Well - I got back up to 30 minutes exercise - a few minutes afterwards my BPM is 90 and I have a BP of 125/75 - stunning.

I still feel really good and not at all worried about going in on Wednesday. The ache at the back of my hand has gone too. I'm not getting any of those jitters and rising stress that I normally get either.

I have the house to myself as the family have gone off to London for the day and I need to concentrate on some accounts that are giving me a headache, some correspondence that I should have looked at a few weeks ago and getting ready for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt at the Old People's Home.

The weather looks set fair for today and tomorrow and so we are going to have some friends over on Saturday afternoon and who knows, I might even wheel out the Barbecue for its first outing of the year.

Quite relaxed about this

I am surprisingly relaxed about things at the moment. The rising panic and stress seem to have gone and I'm going to have to put that down to the tablets and to the hypnotherapy.

I was really sceptical about this before but having had three or four sessions now it really is interesting. The one amazing thing was that you lose your sense of time. I thought I was "under" for about 15 minutes and yet this time I was out for 55 minutes. The experience was totally relaxing and a little psychedelic too.

I'll see how I am tomorrow. Spooky!

Don't try and do double entry bookkeeping

with a fuzzy head. Cor - this is doing my head in and I have a small anomaly in hundreds of entries and blow me - it is taking ages to find it. The good thing with a balance sheet is that when you do find it everything just falls into place. I'm really puzzled on this one, it is such an "obvious" amount.

I keep having to take my blood pressure and pulse - it is SO strange having so low a set of readings. Also my hypnotist has also left me chilled out too (well chilled out but sort of up and lively as well if that is possible?).

It is too early to say whether he has managed to cure me of my fear of Hospitals and all that so watch this space. All the positive messages are great though and its the like many of these things, a positive mental attitude, optimism and taking control yourself (if you can) all seem to help. I'm hopeful that I can now look upon the experience of going into hospital as one of taking the next step to health rather than anything else. Anyway. let's see how we progress with that.

Second Day on the pills

And my Blood Pressure is tumbling. I think 115 over 65 is pretty low and 75 BPM heart rate is pretty low for me.

I suppose I ought to come around to everyone else's way of thinking now then that this probably was a good move.

Just Call Me Mr. Horizontal

No - just do it :-) My BP is the lowest I have ever seen it, my pulse is a trace and I feel brilliant. How much better can today get? If I was any more laid back I'd be horizontal...

Hypnotherapy

I'm no Wacko - strange, peculiar, quirky, off the wall, and other descriptions may well apply but I'd give a Life Coach a good kick in whenever I met one and I don't believe in mumbo Jumbo and "the Law of Attraction" which sort of says that I deserve to have Cancer may, as you may imagine, really upset me!

So - Hypnotherapy - what do you think - strange, weird, all a bit stage show and people barking like dogs etc?

In my limited experience, nothing can be further from the truth. Some time ago I had hypnotherapy to stop my craving on smoking. Nice job - how about this - no side effects, no cold turkey, no screaming at everyone no standard withdrawal symptoms like yelling at everyone, tearing my hair out, over eating etc. So what I hear you ask?

Well - I'm terrified of going into Hospital - it is the most frightening thing for me - I don't know why but it is. You must have guessed that from my previous posts. So I spoke to my friend and he agreed to come around this morning and work his magic on me. My Guardian Angel has something to do with this - I got an e-mail saying do it OR ELSE :-) I need no more prompting than this as I can imagine getting the wrong side of this lady :-) I'd have my arm ripped off and be beaten with the wet end if I didn't. I'd back her in celebrity death match against anyone!!

He used a "wellness" script (some people may recognize that phrase as "snake oil" but in this case it isn't) It was really good. Usually I am in quite a shallow trance (basically because of being sceptical). This time I was in quite deep and it was really quite "Trippy" but based on what was being said. I thought I'd been out for 15 minutes where in fact it had been 55 minutes. I won't really know how this has worked until next week of course but I feel fantastic (You often do coming out of hypnosis) and I can (at the moment) think about next week without getting wound up about it.

I'm not feeling at all anxious, upset or funnily enough that bothered about it and yet I have been for ages. I remember this from the last sessions I had and I have to say that if it worked then and after 20+ years of problems - solved them - then this too is a bit of a success. I certainly feel an awful lot better than I did before.

I will keep you posted - I now feel good about going in next week - how strange.

Amazing

I can see why they ban Beta Blockers in sport. I decided to do just 20 minutes and took things easy. I managed to complete as many kMs as I normally do in a session. I am hardly out of breath and my BP and Heart beat are low even recovery has been quick.

Surreal Thought of the day

So - I'm at a Jazz night and there is a chap who plays the Washboard.

Anyone under the age of 50 may want to be excused at this point. A Washboard is a corrugated piece of metal they used to wash clothes against and scrub them with a brush years ago.

OK - In a Jazz band they washboard is played with metal thimbles - here we go again. Thimbles are things for protecting your fingers when sewing (please don't ask me to explain what sewing is!!!).

So sticking thimbles on your fingers and rubbing those up and down a galvanised and corrugated board makes a rasping sound ideal for Jazz songs. PHEW - so far so good. I wished I'd thought how hard this was going to be before I started writing it :-)

The surreal thought is this. The chap that plays this turns up tonight night with his wife. Go back 50 or 60 years when they are courting and she takes him home to meet her parents. Can you imagine what the conversation would go like?

Father: "So what do you do for a living?"
Player: "I play a Washboard"
Father: (somewhat taken aback but being British) "Will it keep my girl in the style to which she has become accustomed?"
Player: "I don't know, what instrument does she play?"
Father: "So what do you actually do playing a washboard?"
Player: "I put on a bunch of metal thimbles and strap this washboard around my neck and run my fingers up and down it to make a sound."
Father: (Looking curiously at his pipe which has begun to sag out of his mouth and taking a large swig of his Whisky) "And you make money doing this?"
Player: "Well yes, kind of"
Father: "Mother - come out here and listen to this" (Waves Pipe in the air in a beckoning way)
Mother: "Yes Dear?"
Father: "Doris's boyfriend plays HIS washboard and makes money doing so. How come you just wash the clothes and I've so far had no return on investment?"
Mother: "You are such a Banker!"


OK - OK - I have probably just proved why you shouldn't do these Heart control drugs!

Kids - don't do drugs......

:-)

What a difference

In just one day I am amazed that my blood pressure has reduced by so much and my heart rate too. Of course the drugs are doing what they are supposed to do but I've never seen readings like these and even at 11:30 at night my BP is lower than that when I wake up.

I'm beginning to get used to the light headed feelings. I'm sure they will go away once I get acclimatised to the side effects (or perhaps the results).

So I'm going to take myself off to bed - apparently a side effect is a disturbed night's sleep.

Light Headed or what?

Blimey - these meds have really kicked in - talk of felling light headed. I can definitely feel the difference.

I am going out tonight to listen/see a Jazz night. It was great last month - I suppose I had better be a little wary over this new found almost floating sensation.

No - Ridiculous

Yes - absolutely ridiculous

My BP is - well - so low I can hardly believe it and I am concerned that a heart beat getting close to a beat a second can't be that great :-)


We are talking a massive decrease in Blood Pressure - no honest - 116/75 at 65 BPM in the late afternoon that is better than my lowest by a long way - Whoa! At least my nurses will be pleased and...

Guardian Angel :-) .....

If you are reading this - my Hypnotist friend is coming around tomorrow to see if we can combat my phobia about Hospitals, needles and the like.

Now wouldn't that be a leap forward if that could happen? I'd be really pleased if I was able to control all of the fears and worries on that side.

Appears to be doing something

I decided that I ought not to do the exercises this morning and instead had a small breakfast and took the tablets. They did kick in although nowhere near as "punch like" as I was expecting but I do feel a little light headed (not feint headed) and I can tell my heart isn't beating anywhere near as fast is it has been these past few days. Blood pressure is down, not markedly, but down nonetheless and it is in the normal band.

I'm taking things easy this morning and making sure that I am getting up and down slowly and not doing anything stupid just in case.

It is not as marked a transition as I had expected but I do certainly feel something has changed. More as it goes on I have no doubt.

How to tackle tomorrow

I'm not sure how I am going to do this now. Do my exercise routines first and then have the tabs - but that would put those out to way gone 9 perhaps even 10 a.m. Maybe I should not do the exercises tomorrow and just go straight in for these and see how I get on. Perhaps moving exercising to the evening.

I feel that I don't want to break my routines now I have set them up but I cannot see me taking the tablets and then doing exercises as that won't work and lets face it bashing out 30 minutes on a tread mill after sticking a beta blocker in your system to slow your heart down doesn't make any sense either.

Oh well I shall decide in the morning. I did spend plenty of time relaxing yesterday - indeed I had loads of time to myself as everyone was out for the rest of the day.

Taking the rest of the day off

I've had enough today - I've done my business bit, I've been to the bank as well to sort out a problem that just never seems to go away, which is that they cannot get my address right and send my bank statements where they fancy :-) Worried about identity theft? Join my bank and they make it easy!

As it is my daughter's 17th birthday - just had her first driving lesson and frightened the neighbourhood - I think that I should take the remainder of the day off, relax, perhaps have a beer and celebrate. I don't take enough time off to myself or for my family and perhaps I ought to be less than serious for the rest of today. The becoming a drug addict stuff starts tomorrow! :-)

Keep Taking The Tablets

These tablets are minute. You need to employ an optician to see them.

As I am driving a little later today I don't intend to take them until tomorrow morning. I have also been warned to be sitting down to start with as the effect is noticeable quickly.

I have also just ordered a more accurate Blood Pressure Monitor. The Wrist one was not good enough to give the readings the Doc wanted so a new one has been ordered to arrive by next week. I'll be able to put together a weekly review of blood pressure so that we can chart it. As the GP said - it is pretty obvious that you'll get accurate readings at home. He then took my pulse and said "It's a little bit fast - but that is to be expected but the good news is that you must like me so that IS a result!" I like this GP - I really didn't get on with the last one at all - he had the bedside manner of - well Attila the Hun.

I Don't Do Drugs

I DO now!

I'm on beta blockers for a short while to get me through the operation next week and I'm on some very mild BP tablets as I'm prehypertensive - none are going to punch the daylights out of my Kidneys (for obvious reasons).

It is a rich man's game being ill - a two week supply of one and a four week supply of the other £13.70. I feel quite privileged that I have enough money to be ill.

I'm off out to day so I'm not going to tempt fate and have one of these tablets until tomorrow morning, and then I need to be sitting down. I need to curtail my exercising or keep it at a reasonably low level as all these things kick in to slow my heart and to lower my blood pressure.

I expect that this story will run and run.

Jekyll & Hyde

That's me. I'm not actually that bad but I do get pretty much like a cornered animal before having to go to the Hospital or the GPs. Not so much the GPs perhaps although the Doc I am seeing tomorrow is a nice enough chap.

Leading up to today from about mid to late morning there was no laughs no normal mucking about it was all business and "lets get this over with". Now I am almost a different person.

Pyschosematic stuff

How peculiar that the back of my hand is throbbing like it normally does when I have the cannula taken out. I suppose it is one of those things that happens and you start to relive some of the stuff you know is going to happen to you.

I'm reasonably OK with this at the moment. Tomorrow will be an interesting day to see how this is all going to be tackled. I've seen my results tumble but when I get near anything that even looks medical then BP goes skywards.

The crazy bit is how low my BP is in the morning and especially shortly after exercising. No use second guessing what they will do tomorrow as long as there is a road map through this.

The Countdown Begins

So - back on board the Roller Coaster next week and preparations start now for getting myself ready. There is the mundane stuff - "Don't forget your toothbrush" and the slightly more serious (for me) of not forgetting my MP3 player (used to be my CD Walkman) so that I can try and calm down a bit. I also need to pack a book and some glasses so I can read the damn thing. The lights are so severe at the Hospital it is all or nothing.

I'll also need to sort myself out for the sitting around doing very little business straight after - 1 week rest is normal unless they have to do what they did before and I end up 4 weeks of little or nothing.

No doubt there will be more detail soon as I think about it. I'm still slowly calming down after being given the OK. At least my 24 hour monitor didn't show the sorts of readings they were getting. The way she was questioning me I would have expected them to have whipped me straight in.

That was touch and go

My Urology Nurse was there - she knows I am stressy and so we did the BP tests and as expected they were through the roof - not as bad as last time. They came down gradually and I gave my readings from this morning which were pretty good.

It got to the point of almost being refused but they picked up the 24 hour tapes which obviously changed minds a bit and so I have to go and see the GP tomorrow - no doubt for some form of treatment and can therefore carry on with the operation.

The funniest bit was when she said she was going to do the blood test the readings went through the roof again. I often wonder why I am the person least surprise by such things - when they are about to stick a needle in you would you think your blood pressure would fall?

I am in a strange position now as I am looking forward to getting this sorted out and yet I can feel the stress beginning to build again and my the back of my hand has started aching - that is where they put the cannula and I'm sure it throbs every now and then just to remind me.

I have the appointment tomorrow morning and I hope that we can get this particular problem under some sort of control and then get on with sorting the next piece of the puzzle out.

It isn't a quick fix either - I originally thought it was going to be one of those binary things - like it is or it isn't fixed and all that - it would all be over by Christmas (sort of thing) and it isn't going to be over by this Christmas or perhaps by another 5 to 10 Christmases :-( At least this though is a gateway to ongoing maintenance or more radical treatment that is why it is so important.

Checked my BP - strewth it is still high but I am in a better frame of mind myself.

Here we go

Just over an hour before we leave to go the Hospital - I am beginning to feel it already - trying to control things this time with some breathing (not that I don't breathe you understand) and just trying to relax - I might take my music along with me this time again - not sure if that helped or hindered to be honest.

I've tried all the mind tricks "what's the worst thing that can happen?" all that stuff and honestly you can't rationalise with me at times like this.

Today is the day (again)

Assessment two (sounds like an Arnie Film). Judgement Day II - but I doubt it.

I've decided that this morning I will take a few readings myself which are in the high normal range. I do feel apprehensive but I don't think that I will get in to an argument about things this time. I'll see what they decide to do with me, given that it is only three weeks tomorrow that the anniversary of the last assessment. If it is the same person it will be interesting as they were really concerned about my BP.

A couple of hours to go yet.

How much are you getting

At the moment I am guessing that I am providing you with 90 to 95% of what I am going through. I'm not sure if I should give the last 5 to 10% yet.

I tone down the language that I sometimes think in - I'm allowed to swear in my mind I think :-) I try and describe things differently rather than use too much base language for that. The blog is still semi anonymous. I will open it up a bit as things go on.

Like most things you area allowed in, but only so far.

At the moment what does it all mean?

It is difficult to sum up quite what I am thinking at the moment. I want to get the assessment over and done with and I want to get this operation sorted so that I know one way or the other what comes next. It gets one major thing sorted in my life and it should allow some sort of plan to emerge about what to do next. I'm not helping myself and it frustrates and upsets me deeply.

The delays and my own stress levels aren't helping me and I get really stressed out when I should perhaps be relaxing and let this stuff happen. It doesn't help me to help myself which is unusual for me, I do want to help myself to get well again. Mind you, if you are built that way, you are built that way I suppose.

Then there's everything else - like work and the future to review. Just about everything is on ice at the moment. I can't seem to move forward until this is (not resolved - a different word perhaps) understood or comprehended. At that point, what ever the prognosis, I can make a judgement call on what needs to be done short and long term.

Then there are lots of little things that start to mount up and there is a level of stress and commitment required on things that you don't want to do or have to put off and yet I feel bad about doing that. I am putting a lot of things off on the basis that once I know my fate I can decide what to do then. If it keeps going backwards then the list of things to do just keeps getting larger. Of course, perhaps I ought to do them anyway. The uncertainty of what will be found means that I have only planned a few things this year. Normaly my diary would be a lot fuller.

On other levels I am feeling fitter and losing weight, eating properly and taking care of myself better than I ever did and the question is - why the hell didn't I do these things earlier in life - the answer is - of course - I was never ill before now. I also thought I was fit :-)

So at the moment I've got the immediacy of the assessment and the operation and at the same time keeping fit and continuing to improve my health. In the medium term I need to know what the next steps are going to be, a rough idea of how my future is going to shape up and some grown up discussions about what I need to do, what I want to do and what I will do.

The are levels of things that I need to or have to do. Family, House, Education, food, money etc. The basics.

There is on balance with that, what I want to do. I've had the big wake up call, there are things that are in the back of my mind that are saying these are the things you need to do before you die (sort of).

There is the what I will do as there just has to be a trade off between what I have to do and what I want to do.

In a way I am looking forward to being in a position to focus properly on those questions. I've said and hinted before that there will be casualties in the outcome of that. Somewhere along the line perhaps I need to be extremely selfish or perhaps I need to drop some activity or some other action that will arise out of this. I think I have to balance that when I come to it but be realistic now that it may happen that someone, some people or just I gets hurt by the decisions I will have to make.

Turbulent times at the moment, no job, possibly no chance of getting one for a few months until this next lot of stuff settles down, possible other medical problems on the horizon or maybe not, further treatment, realisation of the severity of the situation and actions arising. As a Project Manager I should be "revelling in it" - but dealing with people is not the same as dealing with yourself. I'd tell myself to "pull myself together" but I know that things are neither simple nor are there any easy or indeed right answers at the moment.

The conundrum that is cancer. It works on many levels, getting better or getting things under control is just a start. Trying to get on with the rest of your life is a juggling act that I have yet to master.

Be assured, I will master it, it is just how long I take to do it that cannot be assessed.

Here I go again

Back to the Hospital tomorrow for an assessment. I thought I was doing alright but I'm starting to get slightly wound up about it. I'm hoping for things to be not so bad - I've supposedly lost a fair bit of weight, lowered my blood pressure and calmed down a bit I think.

We will just have to see what tomorrow brings I suppose? They can always call it off again if they want to. Not sure the consultant would be over pleased about it though.

Weigh Hey!

Excellent - another 2 Kgs off this week, down below "obese" category and on the way down which is great news. I'm well pleased with that sort of loss that is close to 2 bags of sugar gone but I was feeling a lot better towards the end of the week (excluding Friday of course).

I can actually feel the loss so I knew before I got on the scales this morning. Now I need to keep up the diet and to keep up the exercises too.

Back in my Office

Pleased to say. The party I believe, given by the slow way everyone is getting up this morning must have been successful. It looked like a bomb had gone off in the dining room and kitchen obviously because young people are so uncoordinated that they cannot keep food on their plates.

I upped the exercises to 40 minutes this morning - also pleased to have recorded the lowest blood pressure reading I've seen as well.

I have the assessment tomorrow and so I am hoping that I can keep relatively calm to keep the BP within the bounds of normality.