Anger, Alcohol and Despair

It is nice to come back from the pub liberated from the constraints of every day etiquette and to vent forth.


Tonight I was ranting about the UK financial markets who have retracted their scrotums as far as their tonsils!  They are unworthy to deserve the prefix of Venture derived from the word Adventure!  They believe themselves to be of a higher social group than us entrepreneurs who have worked for 3 or 4 years solid building a business for some MBA from INSEAD to tell us that it doesn't fit with this or that and that whilst they cannot fund us they would like to understand the ins and outs of our inventions.  Then they get pissed off when we tell them that we would rather hold onto our hard won business IPR than give it away to someone with such a base level of disrespect.


They really think they are some sort of celebrity status these VCs and that is so funny.  They talk down at you as if you don't understand business and yet they were in Diapers / Nappiess when I was actually working my way up the greasy pole.  I love the crap they come out with that a document should be 3 pages (or whatever today's bollocks is) and no more no less, blah de blah de blah......  What the hell do they know, it is what it needs to be to describe the business and I'm pretty depressed that our UK boys are following this "Silicon Valley" model of being "God like" creatures who are never wrong and know how to run a business.  Sure, if it is your own hard earned cash started and finished in your own pocket you've a right to that opinion.  Most have only been given the cheque book and are too timid to actually do a deal that would put their neck and their reputation on the line, they prefer to wait until it is a sure thing and then muscle in and claim the kudos.


So be it.  If that is the way that this market works then we have to bypass these people and go into the lion's den and go and talk to those who will make a difference and who actually live up to the hype that is out there.  We all know that there are very few who meet that mark.  In reality I haven't found one of them - in the hundreds (and close to a thousand) I've reviewed who even crawl anywhere near this benchmark.  The world is full of hot air, failed promises and people who think their best is actually getting out of bed and checking a spreadsheet.  Dare I call them wankers?  Yes I think I probably can.   They look as if they are cutting and bleeding edge but actually they are like lawyers and solicitors at the end of the battle who come onto the field of battle and bayonet the wounded.  They are slime and that degrades one cell creatures!


I like going out for a drink as it frees my writing ability and let's me say what I think!

Well how am I?

I'm sort of OK at the moment and not up or down at the moment.  What I've done is to enter my defensive shell and am preparing for the very worst answers and in that way anything better than that is a result.  I was quite angry with everyone to start off with as I see their attitude as defeatist and in a way they've not gone the extra mile and they've certainly not gone to 100% so as long as I make (and not labour) that point I hope that it will make them consider whether or not we did everything we possibly could.


I'm still of the opinion that there's more noise to make and a greater impact that can be had but at the moment, that is only my opinion.  The team went to meet some people tonight about funding so let's see what they've turned up.  I hope perhaps that they have come back with the data that I've been telling them all along.  They don't need to give up, they need to step up.  I reflect that I have now completed all my tasks except for day-to-day running and I'm looking forward to getting a break in a few weeks time as I need it.  If for not other reason than to clear my head and think through my options.  


I've just dropped a belt size over the weekend so I'm quite pleased with my weight loss and I'm happy now and settled into my juicing routine and also into my small portions and mainly soup and fish diet.  Tomorrow evening is a let off day - I know it is Valentine's Day but I'm going to the pub with some mates.  Mrs. F. and I don't do Valentine's meals, red roses and all that guff and especially not at the exorbitant price hikes they put forward as a premium for these sorts of things, Mother's and Father's days etc.  It's a con and our money is better spent on going on a nice holiday which is where it is going.


So back to my deliberations and what I might like to do?  I have no idea at all.  I fancy something that will pay reasonable money without me having to go into London regularly and that I will enjoy and that gives me flexible time too.  Who knows what I might do - I know one thing and that is that the rat race isn't the place unless it is under my terms.

When does it start to feel good

I saw a programme on TV tonight where the chap was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and inevitably died.  IT was a moving piece of drama and there were a couple of poignant moments in it and of course a couple of times I felt a little sad.  You relate such things directly to your own experiences and of course, with dad not being well and my own brush with cancer it is all very real and very much in my focus.


This weekend I haven't juiced or in fact followed any protocols other than not eating a lot :-)  I'd run out of vegetables (happily I have some now) and I was up late on Saturday and Sunday.  Saturday my mate Flocky Bicep, freshly returned from NZ turned up and we have breakfast at Costa with a pastry thrown in for good measure so I had a treat on Saturday morning and today I had some poached eggs rather than my normal FOCC.  That I can restart tomorrow and my juicing too.  I must then find out where the new batteries are so I can load up my BP monitor with those and to start to take readings of my blood pressure.


Work as previous posts show is a concern but probably not as bad as I thought it would be.  In a way I'm furious at the establishment for not providing opportunities for people to get funding and for the Ostrich style approach to venture that the UK appears to foster.  Those who suggest that they are the risk takers and the builders and disrupters of tomorrow are as adventurous as the high street banks.  It appears to me to be all wind and not much else.


So when does it start to feel good?  When do I start to feel good that 5 years have gone by and that bladder cancer is fading away a bit (of course I have to have a CT Scan and all that good stuff too and regular check ups).  When do I feel good about "my lot".  In reality I should feel good right now.  I don't live in abject poverty, I have a roof over my head and my children are at university.  We have food on the table and two cars on the drive.  We have enough money to live on and those blessings should be treasured.  It is difficult as a westerner to sometimes actually look at these things and realise how well off we actually are.  I spoke to one of my colleagues about someone complaining that they were poor as the definition in this country is not one you would recognise for example in some places in Africa.  What we see as poor is a thousands of times greater than someone there could ever attain.


I feel at the cross roads again, having spent 2 years on this project and 2 years beforehand at the charity a year before that I was involved in another start up that didn't work out and I realise that the last time I did any work that was well paid was when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer in the first place.  Of all the experiences I've had since then, I wonder how much having (or having had) bladder cancer has influenced what I have done and what I may do in the future.  For example, I don't fancy a job back in the cut and thrust of the financial services business as I don't want to deal with the stress that it would inevitably bring with it nor do I envy or want to participate in the lifestyle that I had in those times.  The money was great but the hours and damage to my body are no longer sustainable.  Then there was the charity which I enjoyed but after I had built the frameworks that were necessary the day to day running (business as usual) was too mundane for me, I build things, I don't operate them.


So I am left wondering what I ought to consider doing in the future and in fact I have plenty of time to consider this.  I fancy many things and I had a vision of using my family history skills to build a business based on that, write a few books, do some speaking engagements and so on.  Or I could build an internet business I suppose or do some sort of consultancy work.  Whatever I decide to do, it just needs to be interesting enough to engage me and to pay the bills although I'd like it to pay more so I could boost my pension.  But there again money isn't everything.  I've even thought about just packing up, selling the place and going off somewhere to start again doing something (not sure what) miles away from London and the noise and hassle and yet, would I really leave my friends and would I disadvantage the children's future by doing so?


I don't know when it starts to feel good but I think I am beginning to start the process of becoming comfortable with who I am.  I need to do that first to begin to make progress elsewhere.

It's a funny old world

You often look at what goes on and wonder to yourself about it.  Today A was applying for jobs and she's rather well organised now and sees graduation some months away still but is beginning to apply for jobs now and the process these days is crazy.  Gone are the days of old when a CV would get you in the door.  There's loads of crap to get through, questions meaning the same thing asked in different ways and all sorts of nonsense.  


It takes ages to apply for a job and surely time is best served in the numbers game it used to be.  Of course it is all on-line now - which I suppose has been around for a good 10 or more years but it is just a bizarre way of going about applying for roles that are pretty junior.  


As for me, well I think this week will be seminal for me now.  I've had the weekend to plumb the blackness of my mind and I've sort of come out of that OK.  I'm pretty much hacked off at the way things are going and the course we are taking which is far from satisfactory.  It may be thorough but I leave my colleagues to attend a function tomorrow night and either come down on my side of the argument or have their own side ratified.  Either way I'm going to have my say and then see what they actually want to do about it.  There are other avenues to pursue but I'm going away on holiday in a few weeks time and frankly they can get along without me for that time and when I get back we can see what has happened.  


I've been considering what my options may be and as such have realised that I can't make up my mind about that now or come to a decision about it either.  A lot depends on my state of health and on my state of mind.  I'm angry and calm all at the same time.  I'm angry at a system that throws money at non events and won't invest in things that will make a difference.  I'm calm that if it goes nowhere, then I will have to go and do something else.  In my mind, that will involve some sort of career choice that will see me through to my retirement and I feel I want to turn my back on the rat race I've been in most of my life.  Of course, I'm not absolutely certain that I know what that will be but something flexible and that I want to do.  I've got lots of skills from doing what we've just done and from my past life but whether I want to go back and work in the high pressure environments again is the question I need to ask of myself.


The business isn't over and done by any means, it is just that I've decided to take the mental hit of defeat a little earlier in case it does happen and spread that over a few months rather than to fall at the last point possible and take the drop at that time.  It isn't defeatist and it isn't presuming that will happen but I should be prepared to find that things have failed no matter how well we think we have done.


Quite how things will pan out in the next few weeks or so will determine this and I'm just glad that I will have some time away from it to consider my options.

And up and down and up and

Down - what a roller coaster it is at the moment.  I'm certainly not finding it easy at this stage in the company's life to take the view that we will not get finance.  Especially if you don't actually ask someone and especially if you answer the exam question yourself without having asked the person with the money the question.  


That level of assumption, based on information gleaned from a web site alone hardly seems right given that we have also found that some people don't actually mean what they say and miss out huge bits and that limits are guidelines and finite.  That's the trouble I suppose and I'm getting pretty tired of having my work tossed back into my face and not going out and doing something but this level of defeatism.  Anyway, I'm sure that this will come out later on as I fundamentally disagree with the way that we've capitulated at the first and second hurdles.  Let's hope that the meeting on Monday will solve all of this and that the true nature of the beast is realised.  It's a numbers game but reducing the numbers yourself may not be shrewd.  It's like needing 6 balls to win the lottery and only choosing 4 of them as the other 2 never get pulled?  


So one day it feels good and then next day it feels bad dependent on what bit of news you get and as it is out of my hands a lot of the time, it feels to me that I may as well start to give up now.  I actually thought we would be at this for 6 months or more but it is less than 6 weeks in serious mode and already the white flag is being ready to be run out.


I suppose that I can just make my position clear on it and move on and see where that leaves us or stick to my guns.  In real terms, it leaves us painted into a corner that in reality we shouldn't be in yet.  But that limits the actions we can take and so in that way I think that will bring it to a head quicker and we will see what actions come out of that.  


I can probably start to consider my future beyond this now should we not get anywhere and decide what I'd like to do.  As days go by and we limit ourselves and our potential actions then the opportunity to build the business recedes.  As that happens then the odds get shorter and I need to start to review my options.  It would appear that the business we have that could change millions of lives isn't as important as games that require people to pay real $s for stuff that doesn't exist in real life and call that progress.  Anyway, I digress, it seems such a shame that we may have spent all that time building to this point only to spend a small amount of effort attempting to gain funding.  

Anyway, my mood swings are completely down to that at the moment and of course trying at the same time to resolve my health issues with my BP.  I will get onto that this coming week.   If we aren't doing anything then that means I don't need to do anything either.  I think the rest of the team can take over as I've worked myself to a standstill this week and feel knackered.

Life is up and down at the moment

It's a rocky road at the moment, we are coming across some people who I'm surprised would find it easy to sit the right way up on a toilet.  People have very limited imaginations and try to pigeon hole things they don't understand into things they do.  Invariably they completely miss the whole point of what we are trying to do.  Technical people are the worst as they want to see the solution rather than pull up and away and look at the whole thing.


Oh well, I'm sure this isn't just us who struggle to find people who understand what we have and appreciate why we should bring it to market.  Let's see if the remainder of "smart" people actually go about it trying to work out what it is.


This causes us to question our abilities and whether or not we have done the right thing.  In many ways we beat ourselves up needlessly - in this instance I think we may have provided our audience with too much respect and we may have believed their PR that they are sophisticated and looking for the next big thing.  Most of them can't work out the basic need for the service as they themselves don't see the pain the customer has.  Maybe we need to really break it down into very simple language for them.


Other than that, I'm tired and irritable and not particularly happy just because I'm still concerned that my BP is high - not that I can check that until next week when I get some batteries for my BP Monitor.  

That sort of day

Poor old dad is feeling it these days and a trip to the bathroom takes it out of him and he finds it tiring and his energy levels are all over the place, his diet appears to be an issue as it fluctuates and affects him depending on what it is and it either agrees with him in which case he is fine or disagrees with him and he gets minor set backs.


Cancer is indeed a nasty disease (as I suppose all life threatening and serious illnesses).  By that I mean they rob you of your dignity, your self esteem, your self confidence and you tend to find that you are equally affected by what you think other people think of you and how they treat you.  It affects your relatives and your immediate family.  My mum is obviously affected having to live with her husband of over 50 years disintegrating before her eyes.  I call her everyday to see how dad is but in reality I'm also making sure she is talking to me and getting whatever is on her mind off it.  


We are very much in tune with each other and sometimes we have a long conversation and other times a long one.  It doesn't need to be about anything really does it, just as long as it is someone different to talk to and that's my main purpose in the call.


I'm still feeling a little up and down each day that's just the way it is when after 18 months to 2 years work you don't get any interest in even talking to you.  It makes a big difference if someone just appreciated the effort that had been invested and didn't dismiss it after a few moments reviewing it for key words which is what it feels like.

Melancholy

I have to say that I've been feeling a bit low again, quite sad really and somehow melancholic.  I've had this before and it's a combination of things really.  Raising money for the business is not going well, the UK market is flat and depressed and we are in an equity gap caught between those who can give us a little (which isn't a lot of use) and those whom we don't quite qualify for.  The scale and ambition is also disturbing some and also the difficulty that many people have grasping our concepts because they just don't understand the market we are tackling - so there's a nagging in the back of my mind that we may not make it and doubt is bound to kick in no matter how well we think we have done, how well prepared we are etc.  It doesn't help that someone just gives a cursory glance at your work when you've done 2 years worth and they take 10 minutes and dismiss it.    It show an element of disrespect but of course these people get hundreds of plans every day/week and so you can understand that.


Then there's my apparent backward step in terms of my blood pressure - I'm a little concerned about that as I should be getting to a position where my blood pressure should be much lower and my health much better.  In reality I do feel a lot better and I've lost a fair bit of weight and I'm eating really healthily.  My 15Kg bag of carrots will be no more by tomorrow so it only lasted 9 days!  


Talking with my mum and I spoke to dad briefly on Sunday is also proving a little stressful as he gets weaker and less able to tolerate certain foods.  He's still his normal self, a little more reflective I suppose but still playing to the crowd and the problem is he is getting weaker and weaker, a shower and a shave almost tires him out for the morning.  Life revolves around the TV, eating, drinking, sleeping and fighting the odd bout of pain and just keeping going.  Mum's taking it OK but I have no doubt that it will catch up with her.  My brother is a lot better at the moment as he is taking some hypnotherapy which is helping him to calm down.  He isn't taking it at all well but he is much closer to my parents than I am I suppose.


So a combination of things are making me just feel a little sad in myself, not the "D" word at all, just a little melancholic and a little reflective.  I've thoughts going on about what to do should we not get finance and there are many other avenues open to us.  Our expertise and experience in taking the business this far are of course marketable commodities and yet I'm not absolutely certain that I would welcome going back into the rat race that I came from.  But what could I do in the future?  Well that's an interesting question and I'm wrestling with that now.  My mind is considering options and searching ideas.  I've done my just go to work bit and I hated every minute of it although I enjoyed the Charity, I'm not sure that I could do that every day again especially travelling up to London - perhaps locally.  Then there's the bit about being an employee - so perhaps I'd need to take on a more senior role?  Of course, I still have the genealogy business that I prepared for before taking on the Charity role and I have a lot more connections to explore.  


So my mind is a whir and whilst I haven't given up on things I do need to consider them.  I kind of think that things will very much be what they will be and so in a way I'm not that worried, things will work out and I'm pretty handy being able to do most things and of course, nothing has happened yet.  My brain is just racing away looking at what the possibilities are and also to make sure that I cover off what may happen in the future.  Let's hope that someone actually gets the idea of what we are doing and sticks some investment in so we can move forward.

We've run out of that

Batteries - where have all the batteries gone.  It was a total non event asking oldest daughter!  I just got a blank look off of her.  Somewhere around 50 AA Batteries have gone so I'm guessing the girls have had those away and I'm left with a blood pressure monitor that sounds like it is an asthmatic and then errors its reading!  So much for trying to sort out my Blood Pressure!  Hopefully that can be resolved tomorrow and I can start to monitor my BP.  


I've started to drop off the food intake substantially today and must say that I'm feeling a little empty tonight.  But that will just have to be that.  I'm definitely losing weight and my clothes are certainly beginning to feel loose which is good.  


It is somewhat disheartening to have made all the lifestyle changes and still to find out that I'm not reducing my BP.  Mind you, one good thing is that I'm still clear on the cancer front so perhaps I'd better not be complaining too much eh.

Conflicting Evidence

That's a nuisance - I thought I'd do some searching on High Blood Pressure and juicing and so far I can't find anything that says it does anything but reduce your blood pressure, especially the stuff I'm juicing - Beets, Carrots, Celery, Cucumber and Spinach.  Even so - I'm a bit wary of that now and so I will start measuring my BP tomorrow and try and do it daily to see what is going on.


I'm a bit confused as I don't have any salt, white bread or pasta or rice, I'm almost a vegetarian these days and rarely have meat - perhaps once a week.  I have fish most days for my protein and also eggs.  From tomorrow onwards I will be making sure that I don't have any flour products and the only things I'll have like cereals will be seeds (Pumpkin and Sunflower).  I have dried fruit and nuts with breakfast and then tend to have soups at lunch and dinner time.  


So A bit more searching around in my books, some measurements and then a review.


We've had our first snow of winter - about 6" of the stuff but it isn't powder it's that wet slushy stuff and now it is icing over.  

Through the roof

I've never seen my blood pressure so high as today at the doctors.  I mean very high with a bottom reading way over 120!  The upper near 200.  That's ridiculous and totally unexpected I have to say.  So I need to keep a serious check.  I know that going to the doctors is easily 20 points over on both readings - I just hate the environment and I hate the association I have with the place - every time I've ever been there I've been ill (OK I know) but there you go...


So it fell off and went to about 15 or 20 points off normal but even so it was quite a shock but I also noticed my heart rate was way over 100 too which is pretty swift.  


I'm surprised because I really don't have any of the usual things to give me high blood pressure, in fact, the opposite and last year I was recording below average recordings.  This year, with changing my diet I expected it to be much lower.  I've also felt, rightly or wrongly, that the diet I'm on should reduce my BP.  So - tomorrow is a further review of the diet, exercise and to start checking my blood pressure on a regular basis.


Its a bit annoying I have to say as I was doing so well on my diet and so I think I need to do some drastic action to sort this out.  I think I've got the hang of juicing now and can tolerate some of the stronger concoctions out there.  Additionally, I have the right sort of vegetables and the right sort of quantity to ramp this up.  I was surprised to see that I've done about half my 15Kg bag of carrots in a week!  Mind you, if I can find a local supplier who can do similar prices I will be pleased.  I think that I need to rethink some of the other stuff I am doing and just make a few more alterations to the diet.  


Tomorrow I'll do some more research and checking and then set myself off on a stricter regime and get to tackle some exercise again.  That allied to diet will sort things out.  

The ups and downs of Cancer

Just spoke to my mum and it is time that the Macmillan Nurse was called on to come and have an initial chat.  The trouble is that the time to "accept" what is coming down the line hasn't arrived and whilst I don't think dad is in denial, he certainly doesn't want to reflect on this subject at the moment and I guess we have to respect that.  Sooner or later it will have to be discussed but if he doesn't think that time is now then we can't do a lot about it I guess.


So there's a thing - I just reread the paragraph above and I didn't write death once did I - we are crap at discussing death aren't we :-)  But that too is the point, we aren't very good at dealing with these things and whilst it would be a useful thing for dad it would also be very good for mum too to start to understand and cope with what is coming down the line as she will bear the brunt and day-to-day.


In reality, he will find, like I did, that it needs to be your decision when you come to terms with these things and what to do about them.  I do hope that he will get the nurse in to see him soon for reassurance if nothing else and to set some sort of expectations.  For example, he feels dizzy occasionally and weak and tired and these are worrying but part of the journey and I think that the nurse would be able to just set the scene and if asked they won't have to discuss end of life at the first visit.

So what to do....

We had a conference call tonight and it sounded to me as if my colleagues were almost resigned to the fact that we may not get any finance - which is a bit negative considering we've only been at it for about 6 weeks and that includes the Christmas break....


But there is a point there that the market is a bit flat at the moment and that unless you've just come out of University you can't be taken seriously as an Entrepreneur!  :-)  Of course that may be completely wrong but the money appears to be going into stuff that lots of other people are doing, nothing new or radical and lots of me me projects.


So having said that I was left with an evening of wondering what I might like to do for the rest of my working life!  I've had enough travelling and enough sharp end stuff and yet as someone told me today; the experience that I have and knowledge of start ups ought to be put to good use somewhere - I'm not sure I can bring myself to work hard for anyone other than myself.  


I really hadn't thought about the possibility until now that we may not get finance.  I'm still expecting it to take 6 or more months and hence I've been arguing that it is all a numbers game.  You can't win a raffle without buying some tickets and the more tickets you buy the better chance you have of winning.  To decide not to explore some avenues of finance because you assume that it won't be useful isn't exploring all the options or buying the tickets.  I'd rather explore the avenues and be told no than not to and wonder if.


I suppose that somewhere the line needs to be drawn and we are almost clear on where and what that is now.  We just have to agree it because there comes a time when you hit the law of diminishing returns.  I hope though that we will give the US a go as they have a much better VC scene than we do in the UK and it appears that people there really understand business a little better than the cautious bunch here.


So - what could I possibly do?  I still have the initial set-up for the genealogy business and that wouldn't take too long to set up and get moving.  It may be difficult initially to catch up on the 3 or 4 years changes in the market place but I'm sure that is one possibility.  Alternative ideas will need to be thought about I suppose.  I'm certain that I'll come up with something to do that I will enjoy rather than just work at.  Well I've got time to decide and explore.

Mmmm

Derek Jarman - there's a director to worry the hell out of you.  I remember one film by him.  It was called Blue and I remember watching it, for what it was.  It could be pretentious nonsense I suppose but I related to it and watched it in glorious stereo.  


Here is a link to the information about the film Wiki and IMDB


What I liked were these words:


"In time,
 No one will remember our work
 Our life will pass like the traces of a cloud
 And be scattered like
 Mist that is chased by the
 Rays of the sun
 For our time is the passing of a shadow
 And our lives will run like
 Sparks through the stubble. I place a delphinium, Blue, upon your grave"


Now it's a bit avant garde perhaps and so you stare at a screen that at first view appears to be solid blue for 80 minutes.  The thing is that in isolation and you should just immerse yourself in this film (perhaps understanding the background before you see it) and I felt that the screen was changing but it is the music and dialogue that you should listen to.  


There are many people who believe Jarman was just a pornographer.  And yet War Requiem is another piece of work to see that should leave you with a long remembered experience around the futility of war and there is the wonderful scoring of Benjamin Britten's "War Requiem" and Wilfred Owen's poetry. 


I realise that much of the work I enjoy is not mainstream by any stretch of the imagination and another film that I think everyone should see perhaps just once is The Passion of the Christ directed by Mel Gibson.  I've watched it just once and it had a profound and lasting impact on me. I have bought the DVD and it sits next to my chair waiting for the right moment, when I think I can handle the emotional wrenching, the tearing at my humanity and poking my very belief system.   For what you see is the last hours of Christ's life.  You see the unimaginable torture that his own people put him through.  The passion (and I use the real meaning of that word) is probably the most brutal thing you will ever see in your life.  It is shocking and it feels as if you are part of the mob at one time and part of the crowd, unable to stop this punishment and yet drawn to it through revulsion.  I found it the most upsetting thing I thin I have ever seen in or out of the cinema.  I felt every lash and was left completely and utterly drained after watching it.  that's why it is sitting near to my seat - I'm working up the guts to see it again for if anything would be a glowing advert for Christianity, it would be this film.  I say that from a lapsed Christian point of view.


Having seen the film and its depiction of the passion it should strengthen your belief I think and like many films which attract the loony fringe - they really ought to see how close it is to the original scripture before flying off the handle.  I reckon it;s the best advertising the church could have if only they were to take their heads out of their arses and view it for what it was.  Kudos to Mel Gibson for having the brass balls to go and make this film.  

Discovering Philip Glass

There was a programme on last night and I happened into it.  It was a documentary following Philip Glass and whilst I knew who he was I hadn't really listened to his work (knowingly). Of course that started to change after the documentary that had me captivated by this man whose work is just amazing.  He reminds me of one of my favourite artists Michael Nyman and I've lots of his work and enjoy many of his films scores especially the Piano, the Draughtsman's Contract, The Thief, His Wife, The Cook and Her Lover, ZOO A Zed and Two Noughts and so on.


However, I have just invested in a DVD that was partially shown called intriguingly Powaqqatsi and of course the I found out that some of his music was in a film that I also enjoy, the Truman Show.   


The documentary showed Glass' spiritual side and I was intrigued by his complex music and his relationship with conductor, orchestra and chorus.  It was one of those evenings when suddenly a whole new avenue of music and culture opened up to me.  There was work with world culture musicians including Ravi Shankar.


So I'm looking forward to the film and to surround myself in the music and the cinematography.  I imagine A will like it as she is of an "artistic bent".  I very much doubt that Mrs. F. or L will see it for anything other than a load of noise and a film with no dialogue :-)


I felt quite embarrassed that I had only achieved what I have now where this man was just the most amazing dynamo of a man - sure he has frailties and has suffered some serious knocks but he had just gone out there and "done it".  I feel in some ways that this is the "American Dream" that you can make something of yourself because it is OK to fail in the US.  Here, if you fail you get kicked into the gutter.  If you make it, you still get kicked in the teeth.  We don't understand the "dream" we don't get that working hard gets you there one way or the other.  When people succeed in this country you are just as likely to get attacked by the envious hordes who feel that they somehow should share in success even though they've been no part of the building or achievement of it.  Rather than acknowledge those who have built such enterprises or climbed the  heights and achieved something, they find every reason to tear it down and trash it.  


The quick buck and the destruction of self built people and there on screen was this genius who got ripped to shreds by the critics in his earlier career proving them all wrong.  I'm captivated by his music and am really looking forward to getting the film and sitting alone listening to it!

Hovering between

Good and bad at the moment - having some serious doubts about the way things are going work wise and having to argue a point over and over again when it needs 20 minutes work to sort something out and get it worked out and sorted.  


So on a balance of being up and down which is never good for me, I'm as likely to tell you to sod off as I am to agree with you when I am in this mood - some say that's what makes me pretty much someone you want on your team but many people roundly dislike being told in that sort of fashion what their choices are and in such binary ways.  I get fed up dancing to a political tune and I get even more pissed off when for the sake of being a little bit flexible and going with a touch of intuition this can all be sorted and squared.  I find that it is inconsistency that annoys me and the slight move of emphasis which changes the game although you are being told that nothing has changed and that policy is being evenly and fairly employed.


So - up and down and not the ideal way for me to have to discuss things when subtle rule changes have occurred.

The Late Mr. Fox

As we suspected, Mr. Fox (or Mrs. - I'm not sure) passed away overnight and I called the council this morning, bagged him or her up and it is now awaiting collection from outside the house.   At least I don't have to bury it or take it to the woods for nature to dispose of.   I feel a little sad that the RSPCA didn't want to intervene - they would probably have had to put the poor little creature down but at least it wouldn't have suffered.  I dislike foxes (as one of my earlier blogs states) with avengance but it would have been humane for them to come out - they could easily have netted the poor thing.


Anyway, it's over now and I've got that sorted which will please Mrs. F and A - I always have to clear up anything that is dead including the Hamsters, Birds and whatever else may have come to grief in our garden.  


Oh well, that done, I can get on with the rest of my day.

Poor Mr. Fox

We found a Fox in a pretty poorly state outside the kitchen door.  We rang the RSPCA who told us to approach it with a broom and it sort of half struggled away to half way down the garden before collapsing in a heap its back legs not working too well at all and it did look pretty mangy :-( Apparently they could do nothing to ease the poor creature's pain unless it was still and easy to catch.  Well it only has two legs working as far as I can see and hasn't moved much during the day.  It's bitterly cold tonight and so I'll have to see what it is like in the morning.  If I had (or was allowed) a gun I'd put the thing out of its misery.  It's quite distressing as no one wants to know - and I thought that an association that was against cruelty to animals might be able to assist!


Oh well - I'll see tomorrow what is to be done about it, if the poor creature is still alive that is. 


So - my back - still twinging and giving me jip.  I will have to download that software that makes you take a break every 40 minutes.  I've been stuck here thrashing away at the PC for hours and really should be taking time off and away.


I did manage to get juicing a lot today and found that raw beetroots are pretty potent.  I did two in my first juice - mixed with carrot and a drop of ginger and lemon.  It looked like Dracula ought to drink it :-)  It was actually quite a difficult drink too as the power of the beets is something else so I know that I only need to use one of them - it's a bit like when I used too much ginger to start with last week!  I am now hardly eating anything for lunch and didn't really want much for tea either.  I think that I am training myself to eat smaller portions and I am filling up with juice and water during the day which is working.  I was looking at some photos of myself a month ago and I've lost a fair amount of weight.  Not only around my stomach but around my neck too.  There's more to go of course but it is a pretty good start considering I've probably only been doing this for a few weeks.


I intend to continue this as long as possible so that I can get to a position to restart my exercise and try and get into some sort of routine (something my job never lets me do - I'm working now at gone 11 at night!).


Right I'd better crack on.

A visit to see my Dad

I hate to say it but it wasn't a great success overall in going to see my dad.  By that I mean that there isn't a lot to say at the moment and there isn't anything revealing or earth shattering about his terminal disease and my visit.  Strong words?  Not really, just the fact that apart from dad looking older not much else changes, we do the pleasantries and we pass the time of day but things are mush as they ever were and we chat like families do, see how we are all getting along together and that's about it really.  It's not what I thought it would be - not that I've really thought about what I thought it would be, I just thought it would be different.


I complained about my dad some 18 months ago as he was distracted by the TV during one of my visits and today the TV was on non stop from the moment we arrived until the moment we left.   I'm guessing that 4 of us (not the normal 2) is difficult to deal with but in many ways it was pretty much an unusual situation for the whole of us to be together.  I'm sure that the visit was appreciated and it is maybe just me not feeling great about it.


We've never been a family to do much more that have a chat, we aren't particularly cuddly or kissy - I've noticed that it's something we've never really done.  So it's all a bit stilted and like some Jane Austen novel :-)  No really it is quite an effort, we chit chat and do the formalities but essentially, that's where it stays, we discuss health and so on but invariably its the same old thing and I feel sometimes as if I am "doing my duty" rather than anything else.


In many ways, the problem I suppose is one surrounding how would you meet your end?  I don't see my dad having a bucket list or anything like it, no ambitions, no regrets (I hope he doesn't have any - I hope not - but we wouldn't discuss that anyway).  I think that he will continue to sit and watch TV, potter around the house and stay within the confines of the house and garden until time comes and takes its course.  It isn't my life and it isn't my call.  It is his life and his call and that's the be all and end all of it.  My brother doesn't always get that and he probably never will, his own situation will not allow it.


Somehow, I've got to come to terms with it myself - you see I still feel a bit heartless and a bit uncaring and find that it isn't because I'm like that, it's just that it is the way it has always been.  I've seen my parents more often in the last 6 months than I've seen them in the last 6 years.  I find that I'm building up a bit of guilt, getting arranged to go and see them and then finding that it was a bit of a let down in a way.  I hope they don't feel that but in a way what am I actually achieving?  A bit of moral support for the folks which is fine.  A bit of light relief for my mum, she needs it as he is very demanding (always was but is more so now).  


Then I get home and I feel like sh1t too, there's nothing changing here no revelation no insight-fullness no completion no conclusion, no closure.  That's the absurdity of the situation, I see someone who is heading for the conclusion of their life and that's it really - the outlook was for him to die around about now and yet he is far from that I think, he is doing OK, weak of course but steady at the moment with the palliative operation being successful, the diabetes under control and diet and everything else is now in balance and control.  Freedom from the house has been removed by surrendering the car - and rightly so - there was no way that he could drive it and where would they go in it?  He doesn't want to go anywhere - although we got him to the supermarket and back, that's it.  


I pile the guilt on to myself and yet things are out of my control entirely.  I thought today as we made our way up in the fog and mist towards my parents, a more out of the way place in the middle of nowhere at all you couldn't wish to find - if you were helplessly lost you'd never get as far away as this place.  What on earth made them up sticks and be so far away and in such a miserable place (I suppose us city folk find the remote wilderness they call countryside in the damp, cold and fog could be called miserable!).


If there was an upside to this it was that we went to our favourite farm shop and we stocked a boot full of vegetables for just £13.  I got a 15Kg bag of Carrots which should keep me in juice for a little while plus some raw beets (yes I know to watch out for those...) and loads of other stuff too.  Looking forward to having a juicing fest this week.

Hell of a week

I was in a furious mood on Tuesday, no particular reason as far as I can tell - I would have quite easily ripped your arm off and beat you with the wet end, quite easily in fact :-)  It's been a full on heavy schedule and I've been the bottleneck in the process.  That's been obvious and I have been struggling to keep up.  To be honest there has been a lot of ground to cover and a lot of distractions - well meaning I'm sure - but distractions nonetheless.  


I'm feeling well, I'm beginning to feel slimmer and fitter and a lot better than I have for ages and ages as the diet and the change in the way I consume food kicks in.  Juicing is a bit of an "acquired taste" as sometimes it looks like I'm drinking a pint of mud :-)  Generally it is the greens getting all mixed up with the base juice (I tend to favour carrot) and that's just the colour but it is also a strange taste - we are used to having our vegetables cooked and whole.  When you juice them you separate the juice from the fibre and so you are getting a super hit of nutrients.  You are also getting a massive amount into your body, far more than you would be able to actually eat.  I was looking at the way I get through vegetables these days and it is surprising what juice you can get out of some items but I do tend to work my way through a lot of vegetables every day.


L is home from University and so we have decided to descend on my dad on Sunday and take the girls as we can drop L back at Cambridge on the way home.  That will allow us to spend some time with dad and for the girls to see him as the last time he really wasn't with it and it was just after his operation and he wasn't in great shape.  He is a lot better now so it will be a good time.  Of course, it's one of those things as to whether this will be the last time they see him and so I'm concious of that too.  


It's late - I've been watching a set of DVDs from my childhood - Robinson Crusoe - I haven't seen it since the late 1960s I would guess and it is quite moving in places, beautiful music and for its day a good piece of drama.  It brought back old memories of sitting at home and waiting until the next episode to see what had happened.  Good stuff but once started I couldn't stop watching it hence it is now gone 2 in the morning!  Doh :-)

So it is Diabetes

One of those things I suppose - my dad does have Diabetes and finally they have diagnosed and given him medication for it.  Luckily he doesn't have to inject himself and is controlled by tablet.  This is a move forward and one that I have to say is long overdue.


In a way, the Doctor was faced with asking dad the difficult question "How long have they given you?" which of course is answered with 6 months which is now!  In reality he is a lot better than I thought he would be having seen a number of my friends die of Pancreatic Cancer Dad has remarkably had major surgery too and is still with us - good for him.  My friends died in 2 weeks and 1 month (I think).  It wasn't great.


As for me, well I'm getting on fine at the moment - a bit of a twinging back again - I'm not sure why that should be but there you go hopefully I can get rid of that overnight.  Weight wise well - it is still dropping off me and feels better each day - it is a most unusual sensation but a welcome one in reality.   I can feel my waist just being slimmer and my trousers being less tight and all of this is down to juicing and I haven't started exercising yet.  The great thing is that I'm eating large quantities of vegetables so for example I had some low fat mushroom soup tonight but I added to it, bean sprouts, mushrooms and spinach.  That made a big bowl full but of course there's hardly anything in it - it cheers up my soup and it fills me up too but keeps the calorie intake low.  Juice comprises of a quart of vegetable (mainly) juice a day with about 2 quarts of water.  I have my FOCC in the morning if before 8 am - if I am up later I miss it out and go straight for juice at 10:30.  I have a meal of a cup-a-soup at lunch time with either tinned pilchards, sardines or mackerel or perhaps fish sticks, tuna, egg or low fat pate.  


Onwards and upwards.  

Dad's seems brighter

They suggested that it would take a while to get over his surgery and he is now a lot brighter and getting about a bit more although he needs to find out tomorrow if he is Diabetic which it looks as if he probably is.


Hopefully I'll go up and see him next week to see how he is and to get to see him before we go off to Italy on holiday.  Hope that this time he is feeling a little better and that my car behaves itself.  Last time it cost me a Hotel and a new set of bulbs for the car!  Doh :-)


I'll take up my spare juicer so that mum can have that to use later on should dad need it.  

Weight and Fitness

This is a strange thing, I am losing weight and beginning to feel a lot better in myself.  I'm sure that the clear on Friday was a bigger barrier than I gave it credit for but also this regime of eating mainly vegetables in my diet seems to be paying off in a marked loosening of pressure on my waist which is great.  I've lost the love handle bits on the sides and whilst I still have a "bit of a tummy" it isn't anywhere as bad as it was a month ago when I really noticed it.  I think the juicing and drinking more water are having a good effect as is eating fish and also tending to have vegetable based soups and to bulk it up adding whatever vegetables I can find lying around that I haven't juiced!!!  I can't believe how many vegetables I get through each day but I drink 2 pints of vegetable juice a day now and am beginning to get some tolerance with the green element in the juice mainly through getting the balance right and ensuring I get a good neutral juice in there first.  


I'm pleased but need to ensure that I get some protein in too - hence the fish - I must get some eggs in there too if I can.  The trouble I have is that I will run out of Veg tomorrow morning - perhaps I'll take the opportunity to wander down to the greengrocers and buy some of my own choosing?  I'll see if I have time.

Better Outlook

There's some serious stuff coming along this year.  Dad being uppermost on my mind and I suppose seeing if we are going to get investment in these difficult times is also a problem.  I love the sideways look I get when the penny drops and people realise that I've put in close to 2 years unpaid into the business and of course still had to cover the household bills etc.


That's the eye opener and that's why I get annoyed with the smart arse one liners from people who don't know what it really takes to build a business.  Somehow they don't think it through and realise the sheer volume of work you need to do to not only design the thing but make sure it will be bought (I mean does anyone actually want it).  This time last year I was pulling together the survey we conducted and pulling some 150 questions answered by over 180 people into some sort of logical order.  Then there's modelling the finances, working out the cost of all the services, the marketing, branding etc and suddenly there's 2 years of you life gone :-)


So in a way that will determine what will be or not be this year.  Only a very small number of businesses get funding and so we are being, as we normally are, balanced and steady in our views and expectations. 


However, knowing that these things are coming down the line is one thing and I've other news to share later on in February too which is again good news but it is all hush hush at the moment.


I am really looking forward to going to Italy now - it sounds just brilliant and we will get to see the wonders of three great cities (at least).  It will also give us an idea about travelling by train in Europe which is something we have always fancied doing.  It seems a little more civilised than the high pressure cigar tubes whistling around at 30,000 feet :-)  I have to say that when I last flew internally I couldn't believe the amount of security that was imposed and you needed your passport - for goodness sake.  Plus there was all the hanging around at the airport and waiting to get your baggage, then transferring into the city.  Let's see if this city centre to city centre arrangement is any better?


So I started this with the words "better outlook" and things are better.  I'm actually visibly losing weight on this juicing protocol I am on at the moment.  I haven't quite gone to a full vegetarian diet but I have cut down on most things.  My day looks like this now:


Breakfast:  Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese diluted with a Drinking yoghurt (one of these "healthy" ones) added to a bowl of cut up dates, apricots, walnuts, raisins, figs, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds and possibly, hazel nuts cut up and flax seeds freshly ground.  I'll probably have a coffee and a pint of water.


Midday:  A pint of vegetable juice - generally based on carrot (occasionally a bit of apple), celery, cucumber, spinach, a twist of lemon, perhaps some cabbage, a tiny bit of root ginger, bean sprouts, turnip, asparagus, brussels sprout tops.  Occasionally I'll have melon as the base of the drink.   I will have this with another pint of water as it can be a bit difficult to drink without watering it down a bit.


Lunch:  Tends to be soup, sardines, mackerel or pilchards, or fish sticks, low fat pate, cottage cheese or tuna.  I may have some pickled onions or gherkins if things are a bit bland.  After that I will probably have a low fat fruit yoghurt.


Mid afternoon is a repeat of the juicing regime a mixture of vegetables but trying to keep the green content to about a quarter (no more) as it really is quite strong.


Tea:  Soup with some Ryvita or Rice Cakes, Tuna or fish, low fat cheese, fish sticks etc.


Occasionally I will cook myself some mushrooms and bean sprouts and left over vegetables and add these to my soup to make it a big meal but short on calories.  If I do have anything afterwards it will be an Orange or perhaps as a treat a sorbet from frozen fruit run through the homogeniser feature on my juicer.  


I've cut out bread - although I am a sucker at the weekend for a crusty bread roll.  I may have a little cheese at the weekend and get some Stilton out of the Freezer - just enough for a couple of crackers worth.


Once a week we have a main meal with roast vegetables and potatoes - I have cut out potatoes except of the very occasional baked one with Tuna and Baked Beans or some low fat cheese.  The meat tends to be Chicken, Beef or Gammon.  


So there you go and I reckon I have to have lost 1/2 stone in the week and a half I've been doing this.  The weight has fallen off of my stomach and the good old "love handles" seemed to go within days.  This is great news, now all I need to do is continue to prepare and juice my vegetables the only thing is the vegetable consumption has trebled in the past few weeks!


My experiment to make Sauerkraut ended in failure today.  I think I should have used white cabbage (with more moisture in it) than the Savoy I used.  I went to taste it after 4 days and it tasted just like - well minced raw cabbage.  I will certainly try again and see if I can get it to brew a bit.  the nice thing about the recipe I have is that there is no salt required.


Anyway - my health is good (not yet great) my weight is beginning to change and the health benefits of juicing appear to be kicking in nicely, it will be good to get into shape first and then see about tackling other ailments using targeted juices and diet.

5 Years

I suppose that 5 years is some sort of landmark and it is as if a cork has popped out of the bottle with the way I feel.  By that I mean that I am of a much lighter disposition, I feel so much better, my body feels good and I am beginning to come out of a place I had hardly realised I was in.  I thought I was OK but I'm lifted to another slightly higher level by this news and I am additionally feeling well both physically and mentally.


I know that I am now getting things together a bit better in terms of diet and looking after myself.  I am beginning to believe that I may at last be seeing the back of this nightmare and so that in itself also bolsters my own self esteem and whilst it is too early to say goodbye to cancer, I can at least start to make it a lesser part of my daily life.


If there is anything to gain from this experience it is that you can stand up to cancer and with modern medicine, lifestyle change and a positive attitude you can get to a point where you can get some control back in your life.


I'll see how long it takes me to fall back to being glum - hopefully never!

That's not great

A distant relative's partner died suddenly a few months back - what awful news.  Just as things were getting good, as they were planning to set up home and one day he went out for a bike ride and had a brain haemorrhage and died shortly afterwards.  


It's a reminder that life is like that sometimes.  There's me feeling great and there's someone else who has had a tragedy - it's life of course but should just bring me back to earth a bit.


Life goes on though and planning our trip to Italy is in full swing and Mrs. F. and I are busy looking at maps, guidebooks, train timetables and so on.  We are really looking forward to seeing the great Tourist traps of Italy :-)

Fun starts now

There is something quite invigorating about getting this all clear - suddenly and surprisingly I find myself lifted out of a rut and I'm positive and happy.  Mrs. F. and I are planning our journey across Europe by rail and it is looking quite an adventure with some wonderful things to see along the way.   The journey through the Alps into Italy from Switzerland looks to be beautiful and the opportunity to actually go between one city centre and the other without the need to get to an airport, hang around, do the big security thang and all that is quite compelling.  I fancied trying the Orient Express but it costs as much for a one way ticket each as the whole holiday is costing for 10 days!


Anyway, back to planning and getting excited about it all, amongst other things.

Surprising Reaction

Normally I'm pretty pleased that I get a clear but I also have a low reactor reaction and find the results somewhat of an anti climax.  This time I am really pleased and excited about finding I was clear.  Maybe I'd tuned my mind into it being like last time (what could be worse than finding it had recurred - only to find after being knocked out for the operation there was nothing there - a false positive)?  Maybe it was because it is over 5 years now?  Whatever it is, it is a great feeling, I'm really elated and excited.


That said, I should now turn this to my advantage and make even greater strides to improve my health and get my body protecting itself.  


Here's to a different outlook and a positive look forward this morning - great - I'm in an amazing frame of mind which can only be a good thing, it really does feel this time as if a weight has been lifted.

Clear - Relief

Relieved to be clear - not impressed that Planned Procedures and Surgical Admissions are one and the same now - what a nightmare and packed out.  Didn't wait too long was 15 minutes late and I saw my Consultant - amused the nurses with stress balls - which always makes for an amusing phrase as the cystoscope goes in, wiggle your toes (getting past the Prostate) and breathe properly - I'm a bugger for not breathing properly and of course "squeeze your balls" and that's when the fun starts.


Anyway - clear, clear yay clear - did I say clear?  What a relief.  So pleased and they are going to do a CT Scan - the first one I've ever had to make sure that things are OK elsewhere too.  I've got to have some dye shoved into my veins but hey - sure I can cope with that these days - hated the X-Ray version they gave me, with a vengance but hope this CT scan thing isn't as involved as that.


So that's good - 6 months to next appointment and this makes it clear (even with the blip) for about 4 years I guess.  I did have a very minor recurrence way back during BCG but post BCG have been clear all the way.....  LONG may that continue.


Pretty "made up" at the moment I have to say - it's a great result but this time was a bit more of a sting - don't know why - so spending a little more time in a darkened room relaxing.

30 minutes until I leave for the Hospital

I am just sitting at my desk, playing some quiet classical music before getting ready to wander up to the Hospital and get checked out.  Like all these things it is attitude and almost "habit" now.  I know where I am going, what is needed and as long as they are on time and I'm relaxed then it will be OK no matter what the outcome may be.  


It will be what it will be and I hope that this time, they won't need to get me in for an aborted operation but if that is what is needed (and it was last time) then I suppose I will need to just bear with it and go through with that.


I'm in a neutral place, a little nervous I'll admit but this has to happen and I'll reward myself with the rest of the day off whatever the outcome.

Judgement Day Again

In a little under 8 hours time I'll be having my flexible cystoscopy and we will see what 6 months have done to Mr. Bladder.   I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little tense and a little concerned, a little anxious.  Of course I am but there's a good reason to also look forward to this (he said bravely) and that is, if there is any possibility of a recurrence they will spot it and we can do something about it.  That is the bottom line, generally bladder cancer grows slowly and they can operate or we can redo treatment.


It is far better to know whether it is clear or not and so that really is the benefit of these tests, if it is good or bad news we can resolve it and plan away from there.  I'd hate to be set free and somehow find that I'd got a recurrence and it was too late to do anything about it.


Oh well, here we go, fingers crossed.  Everything is ready, dressing gown, music, water, tablets (paracetamol and ibuprofen) which I have just before the procedure and my stress balls are also to hand, very useful gadgets they are to stop me moving my hands and arms about (not that I think I would).


More tomorrow.

No Sh1t Sherlock

So finally after - what - a month or more - yes dad does have Diabetes.  Well I could have told you that.  Sometimes we get the best and the worst of our National Health Service all in a short space of time.   It's a good thing that we take responsibility for pushing this but really it should be "bleeding obvious" to health professionals and some how there is a huge chasm (black hole more like) between the Hospital and the local GP. 


I guess that they tend to be reactive only in the GPs - yet if you'd have had the letters from the Hospital you'd have picked up the seriousness of his condition surely?


Oh well - at least we now have him under control, diagnosed and now it is just monitoring and controlling things and feeding him properly.  At least my brother, sister-in-law and their kids can assist as both the kids have Diabetes and know the ins and outs of it all.


I ought to balance all this out by saying that in my case the greater part of the treatment, speed and people I've me has been positive with the occasional blip at the local level.  Also the treatment and operation that was provided to my dad has probably meant that he is still with us today.  I doubt he would have been if they hadn't done it.  

Phew Roof Fixed

So that's fixed and a fine job he has done of it too plus all the guttering as well so that's one job out of the way.  Will have to sort out the Insurance over the next few days once I get the Invoice/receipt.  I took photos so they can see the damage.


I had a funny old night last night some amazing dreams - occasionally I get a series of amazing, technicolour dreams.  So last night - fantastic - the trial and beheading of Charles I in the 17th Century.  It was incredible and I was right in the action.  There were some amazing details in it including stuff you couldn't make up when concious.  


But, there was a downside to this dreaming. I'm thinking it was to do with Friday's tests and the fear of it not turning out as clear.  I feel great at the moment, the change of diet is taking effect and I'm already losing weight and feeling great so I do hope that my check up will prove clear.  


I think that since the last inspection and subsequent half operation that wasn't needed the changes I've made to my lifestyle should greatly assist.  Since that time I've been using Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese on a regular basis.  Exercise (albeit a bit problematic with my back problems) and now juicing is also assisting to get nutrients into my system so I'm hoping that all of these things will assist in keeping me clear.


But of course, I'm bound to be a little wary and a little worried about what they'll find but there you go.  

Scope of Hope

Since the last check Cystoscopy which resulted in a visit to Hospital for my 10th or 11th Operation I have changed my lifestyle with some success and some failure but I hope with more of the former rather than any of the latter.  So this Friday sees a six month check up based on them operating on me and finding nothing last year around June.  Having found nothing they moved this check to 6 months and that, my friends. is progress indeed.  Going from 4 month checks to 6 months is a big step in the right direction.


So this Friday is coming into view and I can feel the anticipation of it already but I'm feeling very positive about this.  Since they found the anomaly in April last year I've changed diet and I try and have Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese everyday - in reality I probably manage 5 or 6 days a week at this as occasionally I get up and just don't fancy eating anything at all.  


I look well, I feel well although I could feel better and I'm working on that - I do look so much better that I did even a year ago and as I joked with a friend who finally told me what I actually looked like when I WAS ill.  I was so grey that I looked like I was dead.  I remember it well - and some of the photographs of the time are just like there is a ghost who looks like me where I was.


This scope, this Friday, is a significant milestone to me as it would begin to allow me to start to believe that I am keeping clear and clean of Cancer.  That would be a big help and incentive to continue with the regime I've set myself this year.


My appointment is early and that suits me, I can get in to the Hospital, get seen and then come home and just relax for the rest of the day in my chair watching my DVDs and having a weekend to take it easy.

Interesting article

I must point you to this blog post from Steve Kelley in the US.  If nothing else it ought to challenge your thinking.  I've certainly sat up and taken notice.  I've now got the book (eBook) and started to make a study of it to see what I can learn from it.  It seems to have made a huge difference in Steve's weight but more so his overall well-being. 


One of the strange things is how your whole body is thrown out of kilter through having cancer, whether it is hormonal imbalance or something else it is marked and I'm interested in some of the areas explored especially linked to sleep, something that I struggle with, energy (stamina) and generally losing some weight in a controlled way.  Also it appears to have assisted Steve with posture too - and with my back giving me intermittent problems I wonder if that too might be addressed.


Anyway, whilst it is a long read, it is very interesting and thought provoking especially the way that some areas concerning diet and exercise challenge accepted thinking.  For that reason alone it is worth investigating.

Booked

We are off on holiday/vacation - a little early in the year but that's OK.  Lucerne, Venice, Florence, Rome and Turin.  I'm hoping we may get a chance to do Pisa or Lucca or something like that as we have managed to get a couple of extra days in Venice, Florence and Rome.  We are going to do the whole thing by rail which sounds awful but shouldn't be considering that we can get to Paris so fast from here.  we have upgraded on a couple of the longer journeys to First Class but the trains are so fast these days you hardly have to do that. 


I'm certainly looking forward to this - I've always wanted to go to Florence and Rome and Venice for that matter.  I loved Milan when I was there - and we actually change train there although we only have an hour between trains so we wont see much of the place.  It should be a bit of an adventure and for us, it takes less time to go by train especially to Paris and Brussels than by air. Think of all the hassle having to fly.  When you go by train that last time anyone will ask for a Passport is at our local station when we leave and when we come back.  None of that check in up to 2 hours before you fly, people not knowing what seat they are in standing up for hours queuing to get onto a plane that won't leave without you and generally is boarded by seat numbers!  


There is something quite insane about the way people behave in groups - especially tourists they seem to lose all vestiges of common sense and turn into sheep.  Then you can't move around in the cabin too much and there's all the hassle about food.  On the train there are restaurants, food trolleys etc.  In first class you get a meal and booze too :-)


Even better is that the trains arrive smack in the centre of cities we are visiting with the hotels between 1 and 3 blocks away from the station and the attractions a short distance from there.  I could be converted :-)


I used to enjoy working in Paris and Brussels for that very reason - once I was on board then I was whisked from city centre to city centre with food and drink provided and at either end I wasn't far from home or work.


I suppose the only bit I'm not feeling great about is being away whilst dad is ill but the truth is that it will be what it will be and that's the bottom line.  We need to get away and Mrs. F. could really do with a holiday as she hasn't really had one for all of 18 months and she works too hard - but ignores me when I say that :-(  At least we can have some time off together.  I'm guessing it must have been our Baltic Cruise then that was our last holiday and we enjoyed that - again going from city to city in a ship rather than flying.   There's a pattern emerging here :-)


Anyway - done, booked and that's the end of that.  Now to get the guide books, get cameras ready, waterproof jackets and suitcases sorted!  

Amazing how you can get annoyed with yourself

I find it that way and I get very upset with myself and annoyed especially if I've done all the right things etc but I must also remember that, like it or not, I have a check up this Friday to see how I am.  I forget that I was seriously ill not so long ago and I give myself a hard time for all sorts of reasons and I'm certain that I'm not the greatest person to be around at the moment even if I don't think I'm sending off bad vibes I probably am :-)  I'm also annoyed that I've got to and get a blood check now.  It's a pain to get that done - the hospital has huge queues and I think that I'll just take the flack from the doctor - they also want me to have my BP taken - perhaps I'll go get that done - I'll see if I can arrange that near to the point where they need to re-do my prescription.   In reality I'd like to work on a course of diet and exercise that means I can kick these damn medications into touch altogether - I can't see how shoving chemicals into your body should be able to beat some sort of natural remedy.


My dad needs to have a few more checks later this week as he is marginally diabetic - brought about by his Pancreatic Cancer no doubt.  I'm pleased to say he is still here - given that he was told he had 6 months about 5 months ago.  I've set the scene for my mum and dad that Mrs. F. and I are planning to go on holiday and will book that up in the next day or so.  We haven't been for some time and I think I am displaying signs of needing a break for a while.  I certainly would like to get away for a short while.  


I'm working on how I can now move my diet and ratch it up a notch.  I am drinking a quart of vegetable juice a day and a quart of water now and I am having my FOCC in the morning.  I wonder whether to drop out eating too much at lunch time and in the evening.  I intend to also see if I can get myself out of the routine I am in at the moment and start to get to bed on time and sleep properly.