Good Grief - 5 Stones

My kid brother, admittedly he did get quite large.  He'd been on fangled diets, weight loss pills, stuff like weight watchers.  What happens in all cases is that after you've dieted you go back to eating the stuff you used to eat and voila - bang goes on the weight again.

So I told him about changing his lifestyle (no not your diet - it implies that you can go back).  He's lost 5 stone.  His blood pressure has reduced, his blood work is good but he still needs to improve on that but he has dropped a hell of a lot - much more than I have but I suppose I was a few stone lighter than him well - quite a few stone lighter.  Anyway, he feels good, his health is good and the Doctor is happy with him.  If he keeps to this Low Carbohydrate High Fat diet he should continue to lose weight.  Me?  I'm still 3 1/2 stone lighter but again just hovering around the 15 stone mark - it's big but then I'm close to 6 foot and I'm pretty big anyway - you wouldn't want to run into me... :-)

I reckon I can lose about another 2 stone if not 3 and that should be it but like everything these days - it will happen and it will take time, no need to worry about it, force it or change diet.  That's the thing - stick at it and keep the faith it will happen and the weight loss will start again.  This week I've had two days where I couldn't really avoid carbs but I haven't gained any weight even though I've had some.  I think I've got to the point where the major loss has occurred and I'm happy with the odd carb here and there and I'm not going to live like a Hermit and if I happen to be out and there's a nice bit of cake on offer.... Well, why not.

So great news for my kid brother though and he feels and sounds great and the Doctors are happy so I'm really pleased because he was getting really depressed that he couldn't keep the weight off.  He is neither tired or irritable either because he is feeling full and not getting the carb and sugar problems he used to have.  Always feeling hungry, energy loss and so on.

That's The Cloakroom Finished what's next?

Ouch I do ache a bit - knew I would as having to fit tight fitting pipes together and using plenty of brute force to seat them in a cramped room are bound to put strains on places I didn't even know I had until they ached this morning.

At least that is now done and I'm reasonably happy with the results but how on earth could the plumber have left it in that state in the first place!  Naughty.

So I'm looking at what to do next.  There's bound to be something else on the list - there always is.  I think I will take myself off to see my mum later this week perhaps for the weekend - I have lots of stuff going on but do need to go and see her - whilst we speak frequently I haven't seen her since around April or May when she came down here.

It's funny that today I'm having a slightly off day - nothing major just getting some grief from my head that I really don't need - it's Ego and Pain Body sort of stuff that's just noise and I'm dealing with it.  It's distracting more than anything and I'm having wee flashbacks and prods about stuff that happened years back and of course, this stuff is just that, in the past.  It makes me smile as there's lots of what ifs happening.  What if this had happened or that had occurred and so on.  Well of course they didn't happen and I'm here so what purpose is it even thinking about it other than to depress, upset or confuse me?  

I am certain that there will be days like this and days where the past wants to come in and haunt me.  The trick is, of course, to identify what is going on and then rationalise it and deal with it.  In the not too distant future I'm going to get quite a lot of this - once we are out of embargo - I'm sure.  Whether it will be from people judging me, living up to the consequences of my actions or perhaps facing the future.  In many ways I only have to properly deal with the middle of the three.  It's my actions and the consequences that are my concern but once done - that's it, that decision (or decisions) is now in the past.  If other people want to judge me then that's up to them and the future hasn't happened so no need to worry or concern myself about that.

It still makes me laugh that people worry about me.  I mean what useful purpose is worrying about someone else?  People worry that I'm getting depressed, that I've changed, that I'm not the person they used to know.  I suppose we just have to accept this is the way people are.  

"I'm worried he isn't eating enough" well get a bag of shopping and drop in and see him.  That's practical and shows a different sort of concern surely?  Just worrying isn't going to fix anything and will probably make the worrier ill anyway :-)  Crazy but I used to do it.....

Who else saw that?

Not sure I should have gone to the party this evening but did anyway.   Arriving home late, I stuck on my MP3 player and grabbed a glass of wine and headed into the garden.  The stars were great, still spoilt by London's light pollution but still a wonderful sight to behold.

I saw 5 shooting stars and wondered, who else, this evening witnessed those same shooting stars?  Who else looked up and saw their headlong plunge into Earth's atmosphere?  After Billions of years, travelling across the Universe who else was there to see their change of form from a meteorite into something else?  After all that time who was there to witness the end of their incredible journey and the start of their next one? 

I enjoyed standing there looking at the enormity of it all - the awesomeness of the space and distances involved and every time a meteorite left it's trail of white across the sky I smiled a knowing smile and just acknowledged the journey of a billion years I had just seen.

Early Hours Again

Well I watched Red Cliff which is a very long film and then came up to the office and turned on a David Gray album and did a bit of Facebook and eBay and suddenly it's 1 in the morning :-)

I suppose it doesn't matter what time it is really?  I'm not tired, I've been working on my downstairs cloakroom - I've fitted the floor and need to put down the Vinyl in the morning and then replace the cistern and WC now I've got all the bits I need!

There's never time to do it right first time but there's always plenty of time to go and do it properly a second time.  Can't believe the botch the guy left me with.  Anyway I can get it all back together again pretty quickly - I just had to set my mind to it that's all.

I realise that I should have got an appointment with the Doctor and have just found the letter :-)  Oh well something else to do later this week.  I am trying to fit some time in to see my Mum - maybe Friday and the weekend.  I'm meant to be away on the following Monday but I suppose I could sort that and make it a longer time to go see her.  

Anyway - suppose I'd better head off to the land of nod now - have to get on and do the cloakroom in the morning and who knows it may be useable by the end of the day if I get on with it OK.

Reflections

How many weeks has it been?  I've lost count but it was around mid June as I recall that I sort of decided that enough was enough and that I had to finally snap myself out of it and move on with my life, change as much as I could and take a new path.

So it's about 4 months I suppose and there have been some major things changed in my life, which is great and exactly what I wanted to happen and whilst there's been some fallout there have been major major improvements in me.  Unfortunately, dear reader, it boils down to you at some point in time because it's your body, your mind and your life you are dealing with.  No one can run it for you, live it for you or do much else about your life.  

Today, whilst I'm fixing the plumbing nightmare left for me I decided to walk to the shop and back - it's 25 minutes each way, I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed chatting to the man in the shop, I enjoyed the whole thing.  The work is going to be hard graft but it doesn't need to be finished today, it will take as long as it takes and it will be what it will be.  That's the point these days.  No need to put stress on your self to finish by a certain time, no need to get annoyed or aggressive or upset.  As I said to my Mum earlier when she said she worried about me - I asked her, in all of the years you have worried about me what good has it actually done?  Did it make good things happen? Did it make her feel better? Did it make me or my brother feel better knowing that she was worried about us?  It's obvious what the answer is in each case surely?

That's the thing - why worry - worrying in itself is completely counter productive and accomplishes pain and anxiety manifested by your own body against itself.  That surely just goes to show how utterly pointless it is?

So this is the way I have been looking at things recently.  It's like people pushing their pain onto you or you getting annoyed about the things that they do.  Why bother?  Why make yourself a victim, why not turn it around and do what I do and in some ways see it for what it is, sometimes I amuse myself watching the playlets and scenes from these people.  They don't know that they are doing it, they really don't know that they irritate the hell out of people but it's only because we let them get under our skin that this happens.  I find it quite funny to just smile at them now and let them see me smile at them.  I don't have to say much either.  It's quite effective and not agreeing or responding also works too.  they need something to feed off of so why give it to them?  By agreeing or disagreeing you are flirting with their ego.  At the end of the day - you get landed with the anger and upset and they've not even realised they've done it.  

OK I haven't mastered all of this yet but I am conscious of how I pick up on it and how I deal with it.  Dare I say it, I don't have any worries any more about the future?  I don't because things will happen and I will travel along that road and do what I will and things will happen and it will be OK.  I like the phrase "It will all be OK in the end.  If it's not OK it's not the end" :-) 

I thought I had to rush and get my website started now and then I thought, you know what, it will be ready when it is ready, when I've done the best job I can and that is that.  I don't need it to be rushed I need it to be right and proper and that will be when it will be.  This from a Project Manager who until recently lived on deadlines, milestones, deliverables and so on.  

When you find out a bit more about what's happened to me in the past 4 months you might be surprised at the complete transformation and some of the episodes that have happened - then again you might just think well it could only happen to me! :-) 

I'm in a good place but many people are surprised about that.  I am relaxed and accepting my lot despite somethings happening that could be called stressful, life's good and life's fun.  I enjoy it and it's nice walking today to just smile and say hello to people, it cheers them up that someone is friendly and smiles at them - try it - it seems to work just a smile that's all.

I can't believe it has taken so long to get here but I'm here now.  the past can't hurt me or haunt me anymore.  The future hasn't happened yet.  Concentrate on the now and suddenly life's fun again and you can start to appreciate it and no longer worry or fear it.  That's the plan.

That WAS a Plumber? Really?

"Well there's your problem!" I pronounced as I pulled out the bend inserted into my leaking Salt Glaze Soil Pipe.  The pipe was oversize and not let into the throat of the pipe and so any water or other liquid from the WC and Hand basin hit the sill and where the mortar had not been applied properly, found its way up to the crack and out of the pipe.  

Now why the Plumber decided to put in such a bodge is beyond me as it would have been just as easy to put in a multi quick as do this complete botch up (I daren't call it cowboy as that would be offensive to them).

It's pretty messy but I think I can fix this with a long multi quick and some deft handiwork.  In fact I should be able to do it properly something the last guy obviously saved 10 minutes by bodging it up.  

Let's hope my plumbing supplies shop is open tomorrow so I can get the bits I need.  Crazy!

Friday - Time To Get Off My Arse And So Something

I've been stuck on this computer most of the week - by choice really and I thought to myself - "you've been lolloped in this chair for too long!" and so after I've written this blog I shall take myself off downstairs and go fix this damn cloakroom :-)  I've obviously offended my regular plumber as I told him I found the leak that he couldn't find (although not his fault) he hasn't even bothered to call me back twice :-) 

Bless him, but he does sometimes have that sort of attitude and best let him get on with it if that keeps him happy (well the opposite but he probably thinks he's scored one).  

No time to worry about that or him, just get on and fix the damn thing :-)  

I also spent some time today mapping out my requirements for a company logo and images for my web site - great stuff.

So now to go and sort this stuff out and stop writing about it! 

Exciting Times Ahead (even though I'm meant to stay in the now!)

I had a long chat with my brother who has set up some web sites in the past with shopping trolleys - it was a most useful conversation and sort of backed up what I'd read and thought about doing with my web site.  He has a slightly different business and so has to have a merchant type account and process payments differently but I was interested in what he was doing and how he set his site up.  In many ways, I'd probably go down a path of building my own site rather than having to hire the framework for it but needs must and his huge portfolio of products means he has to have quite a complex site.

I'm getting quite excited about how I can go about running this business - indeed in some ways it is all coming together quite nicely and beginning to feel like it can come off the spreadsheet and word documents and turn into a business.  

Of course - I'm not actually looking at anything other than this being a lifestyle business but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be planning it properly and ensuring that I have all the angles covered.  I am after all methodical and a project and program manager :-)  But what I am pleased about is that my feet are on the ground, that in some ways I'm not too bothered that it may take me longer to get out the door than I wanted - I'd like it done by the end of this month ready for Christmas but that isn't going to happen with everything else going on but I can make a good start and that is the main thing.  I can then do my market testing and I can take it from there.  I don't need the all singing all dancing website at day one - it can come along when needed.  

This is unlike me I know.  However it is refreshing and it means that I can build this without too much stress and just take it easy with small steps at a time.  I'm really excited by the prospect of the business and all the things I can do and there are opportunities coming along all the time which is just great.

We are still under embargo and it may last another few weeks.  The funny thing is that some people think I'm not my normal self and are worried about me :-)  In fact, I know I'm changed but I thought anyone could tell these days that I'm calmer and trying not to be the old me.  Maybe that is it?  I notice myself pulling back or stopping myself and it is a bit spooky for me to be doing that - where normally I'd be in and hold the audience I tend to make a point, have a laugh and then withdraw a bit and then let someone else take it on.  I find it funny and amusing and interesting that I'm like that.  

Anyway - it's good to be excited, it's good to be happy and smiling at people and helping people out.  

Back to diet and those pesky carbohydrates

This is from the Dr. Mercola website and these are the headlines of the bigger story:

" Story at-a-glance:

• Two-thirds of Americans are now overweight, and five percent of American children can now be considered “severely obese,” which puts their health at grave risk
• Carb-rich processed foods are a primary driver of these statistics; while many blame Americans’ overindulgence of processed junk foods on lack of self control, scientists are now starting to reveal the truly addictive nature of such foods
• The obesity rate among Swedish and Japanese women is between five and six percent, compared to almost 40 percent for American women, suggesting there’s something in the American diet that is different from other affluent nations
• At the heart of the problem is the issue of toxic food—foods that are heavily processed and purposely designed for maximum “craveability”
• Nutrition is paramount for health and normal weight; a healthy diet equates to fresh whole, preferably organic foods, and foods that have been minimally processed"

I was watching someone here (UK) making fruit treats for Halloween - and of course fruit is also a cause for concern - in moderation it's fine I guess but the problem still seems to be that everyone is thinking that this obesity epidemic is a "New Disease"" when in fact it is blindingly obvious what it is.  

Have a look (invest an hour) at this video which explains a little more and is from the Diet Doctor Website

The graphs showing the obesity rates in the US in pre 1970s to the current date will shock you.  The main thing about this is it isn't rocket science why we are getting fatter in the West and here I am now 3 1/2 stones lighter, fitter and with most of my clothes too big for me :-)  It's great and of course I don't deny myself the occasional beer or chocolate or bit of fruit but I have got to a nice point now where I'm gradually losing weight still but can have the odd carb every now and then - however, it does require a bit of will power for the first week or so but once you get the hang of a High Fat, Low Carbohydrate lifestyle you really begin to benefit.  First the weight loss is quite remarkable in the beginning and thereafter you just carry on losing weight until (I guess) you get to the weight you "should" be.  I have no target weight now - I had wanted to get down to where I was when I was 19 (11 1/2 Stone) but that's the same loss as I've already had again.  I suppose that's possible but not likely.  

Anyway - invest in the video and then have a read of the Mercola stuff.  Hopefully it should all make sense.

Here We Go

Did the bank ring me?  No they did not so I started filling in the online application form from my own bank as they will give me 18 months free business banking as an existing customer apart from the form didn't work - about 10 times - so I decided to call them and I wasn't angry, flummoxed or anything like it, I just went through the process with this nice young lady and in 20 minutes (not 7 days HSBC) we were there, approved and in a week or so I'll have everything I need to run the business.  Thank goodness for that!

Had my first funny on eBay this time someone bid on their sister's account and so I had to retract their bid for them :-) Better than the guy that asked me whether I'd refunded him but hadn't looked on his statement before asking also the same chap who paid me adding all the delivery costs on when he was going to collect!  You can't make it up.

But here we go, I'm not angered or flustered or anything - that's just what happens so how cool is that?  It's great fun and things are good today and as they are everyday at the moment. It's just a joy to be alive and just enjoying things.  I'm off to the Jazz night tonight and I hope we will have a good evening - as I am not travelling up to my mums tomorrow I can afford to have a few beers and let my hair (what's left of it) down. 

I've been looking at my web site and other things for the business and it isn't problems and worries it's opportunities and interest and optimism - wow what a turn around, it's great to finally just believe in yourself and go and do it.  There's a few obstacles to overcome but, it isn't as if they are insurmountable they just need thought and for me to to work the ideas around. 

I find it exhilarating getting into the planning and the detail of the business and also realising that I should be able to bootstrap this into birth and existence.  I found it funny talking to some people about how I ought to go about building my business - initially I am going to test my services out on a load of mates and acquaintances to make sure it sits right, is doable and so on.  

Hopefully the account will be set up and active next week and I can set off on the next journey.  "To Infinity and BEYOND!!!" :-) thanks Buzz!

Losing the need to achieve anything

I used to beat myself up about all sorts of things and it makes me smile just writing this as I know why I came up with this thought. It was that with the bank now way over their 72 hour return call promise to get back to me might until recently have bugged the hell out of me because I couldn't "get on" until I'd got that milestone nailed and achieved the goal and the task and now, well - it doesn't matter that much at all - after all it is just a day or so and I'm not desperate to start the business until later this month and I'm also filling in the time decluttering the house and finally getting rid of my stuff on eBay.

I've got loads of stuff to just get out of my life and just wonder what on earth was I thinking when I bought it, asked for it and worse than that somethings I have I never used them ever.  How bad is that :-) 

I am working steadily through a list of things I want to get done and it isn't frustrating me any longer that it takes time or that some of it is drudgery - it has to get done and so just do it and do it with a good heart and it gets done and things tick along nicely.  I think you should have a sense of achievement a pride in doing things but missing a deadline or something slipping a day or so is in the longer term not that important (yes I know there are some exceptions).  What I mean is that if I don't quite complete all the things I set out to do it isn't because I am useless or bad at something.  It might be because I took my time or perhaps that I enjoyed doing something that I got involved in it.  There's just no reason anymore to feel bad about it, to gang up on myself and hurt myself for what at the end of the day isn't life threatening or likely to even go noticed in the world other than in myself and in my own head!  

It's been great getting to this point and it gets better every day my attitude is good and my temperament is good and I am good at holding stuff in check but not like I used to.  When I used to get angry I would seethe internally and go off an be quiet (vision of little black cloud following me around over my head).  Now sure I may feel angry but it disappears as I stop myself, see where the anger came from, check it, and it dissolves - it's just a matter of disengaging when you feel it and then to let it dissolve back realising that it wasn't necessary and it surely wouldn't help matters.  I love the control but I also like that fact that there's no longer any brooding about things - once it is gone and dismissed it doesn't come back to nag me later because it is in the past and it is gone :-)

It would have been nice to have had this sort of mental knowledge and control years ago allowing me to have moved on sooner but perhaps I wasn't "ready" for it and maybe I had to get to the brink before finally it all made sense and it also that I was ready to decide never to go back there again once I'd changed myself around.

For someone who wasn't blogging a lot...

I seem to have been going at it a fair bit.  That's probably because there is a lot happening again in my life.  All of it good - well I think that all of it is good not everyone else does unfortunately but there you go, I can't please everyone all the time and today doesn't look to be your day either :-)

I really am in a strange place though but not in my old bad way where I'd be all gripped in angst and pent up and worried and not breathing properly and all that.  It's actually quite funny - well it is to me - that I don't tend to get like that at all these days.  It infuriates the hell out of other people but - well - that's other people right?  

The last two posts talk about someone who helped me "get it" and I owe them a huge favour, without doubt my life turned around and some massive decisions were made and also some crashing realisations were endured - it is no fun when your dreams crash to the ground around you but in the end, they were only dreams after all said and done.  Then there's some of the other realities and things like job, career and what did I really want to do and yet it is pretty obvious that in many ways I knew deep down inside what I had to do but I buried it, gave it no room and it ate away at me like a poison like Gollum and The Ring from Lord of the Rings, these things burned away inside me and halted me being - me.  

What I found was that the guy that used to read books like they were going out of fashion hadn't picked up a book in anger in years apart from research books - all the history books, fiction Science fiction etc were just left on the shelf.  My music - I haven't touched my piano, keyboard, guitars etc for years.  My golf clubs lay decaying in the garage.  My painting equipment sits gathering dust too.  All of the things I used to do and enjoy I stopped doing.  They no longer interested me and one by one the brain turned those avenues of entertainment and escape off for me and over a long time I became very inward looking very introverted and whilst I had small flashes of brilliance  I was dogged with dark and black dreams and nightmares, Depression and a self loathing you can hardly believe.

So I've come out of the other end of that and had help from friends both new and old and here I am, on the edge of a new set of adventures and I'm happy again, enthusiastic and have a can do attitude again.  I don't mind doing things that I'd sneer at in the past.  I find things now that I can take in my stride but only months ago would wind me up terribly and make me angry and then I'd get angry with myself.  Generally I can keep all that in check now.

I'm going to go up and see my mum later this week - that will be a nice break for me - I could do with a short change of scenery to just check things out and it will be nice to get away for a few days before all hell breaks loose when I get back.  Interestingly - the bank still hasn't managed to talk to me and its been over a week now :-)  Am I annoyed?  Nope - actually I find it quite amusing and will have a little gentle leg pulling should they ever get back to me.  

So there we go, I reckon I'll have a lot to say soon.  I've been writing lots of stuff off blog and with so much going on in my life I've been needing to keep separate piles of notes so I can share it.  I've found myself getting stuck into creative writing again and my poetry is coming along nicely (in private) too.  I just need to get my artistic temperament  back and away I'll go.

The Journey Not The Destination

There's one destination for us all of course but I was interested in exploring the way that if you are attentive you will come across situations and people who seem to be there just for you and maybe for them as well - who knows and is it important?  

These people and sometimes these experiences, if realised, come in and out of your life and each are special and each add to your journey or alter its course or somehow enrich you.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to have these people and experiences around us for a while perhaps for a long time.  Sometimes, they are fleeting, intense and then as quickly as they came they go again.  Whether you will experience it again or not isn't in your own control and that's one of the huge lessons I've had to learn.  Me, the Control Freak, the Planner and Organiser suddenly that whole world tumbles down and you (I) realise that I could never plan where my life was going, what its purpose is and all that good stuff.  It's OK to dream I guess but if you did as much of that as I did then you would always be disappointed.  I had so many plans and none of them were clear or achievable.  I keep these in check now.  I'd still love to live by the sea and live in a quaint old village or in the country but it isn't now a plan sitting there forever just out of reach and I'm reminded of Tantalus and everything just being out of reach or not quite achievable.  

You can't control whether people will remain in your life or not and you meet people for the first and only (last) time all the time.  You never meet them again and if you miss the opportunity you miss it, that's all.  It means life just heads off in a different way.  Things change all the time - the only constant is change some say.  You can fight it or you can go with it I suppose or perhaps you can be the catalyst for change.  

As a catalyst for change, I guess that's what happened and this fleeting acquaintance unlocked the nonsense circulating around in my head, burst that like a dam and let it all out to pour away and disappear back into the ether from whence it had emanated.  When I realised that all this nonsense was finally gone and here I was free from this burden (for that's what it was) this hatred of myself then it all became easier and yet there's a huge hole in my current life because with all the 'stuff to worry about' no longer there there's a bit of a hole - it is difficult to describe, maybe an emptiness?  It feels like the inside of my body is empty and not all clogged up and thick with ideas, thoughts, worries and so on.  It's the best I can describe it.

Somethings I realise with a tinge of sadness are only transient and if anything that is hard to deal with at the moment as my catalyst for change came in and out of my life and that was it, that was destiny, karma if you like.  It could be no other way and I couldn't change that even if I wanted to and so there is a certain sadness about that but then that's the journey.  If it was meant to be something else I wouldn't be writing this.  What I am making a mess of saying is that if that meeting had not happened then I'd probably still be sat here at this computer feeling sorry for myself and drowning in  whats and ifs and maybes and feeling down on my luck.  Poisoning myself with my thoughts and inner anger.  So how can I be sad that it happened?  I can't of course.  

Other things aren't so transient and I have the woods and fields around here to walk around and just to get myself out of here, connected with something far bigger and more important than any problems I can manufacture from mid air and put onto myself.

Life's a journey and after a 7 year hiatus, it looks like I can really begin to move on a bit now grateful that someone drifted into my life and kicked down the doors, smashed the windows, let the light and the air in and turned everything upside down.  It was as if a Tornado had ripped through my life and threw away all the trappings of the previous life.  It destroyed and tore down the monuments to the past and the edifices built around myself and I found myself wide awake again, blinking in the sunlight, the clouds partings and with everything destroyed around me, the opportunity to build anew.  

There are few signs left of the Tornado now - perhaps a dust or corn devil out in the field, a whisper of a breeze through the canopy of trees on my walks, the gun-shot like crack of a broken branch underfoot, a leaf falling to the ground, the stillness and smell of the woods and composting leaves.  All I know is that I should be grateful for this and not to dwell on the fact that that force is no longer here with me, without it I would have no chance of moving on and walking out alive from this 7 year hell hole of surviving cancer.

The memories are great but of course the real reward is to love every day from here forward to the best way you can, remain vigilant to the negative thoughts and pain body type thoughts that  tortured me for so long. I was travelling back from Margate with K my long time friend and he played this song - I absolutely adore it - working on so many levels. 

Seven Year Itch

Towards the end of October I will have been writing this blog for 7 years.  That's a long time isn't it?  I've been through an amazing journey and rediscovery of myself and I find myself today in a curious place because I'm at the crossroads of my life in many ways.  I've finally accepted what has gone on before.  I have no idea if I was still in denial or bargaining   Wherever I was and you can be in many places at the same time and you can go back through any of these.  This is the Kubler Ross Model  

Without doubt I've visited everyone of these steps or stages.  I really thought I had accepted it many years ago but I'm not sure if that is actually true.  I certainly was immobilised this year - a sort of Depression state that actually means you cannot do anything at all - you have nothing there.  And now I'm coming out the end of this 7 year journey.  I have learnt so much about myself and those around me, life, the universe and all that stuff.  Importantly I've got to a point where I don't feel as if I'm the victim anymore.  

I met someone recently who brought me a new and valuable perspective on life and treated me differently to the way I have ever been treated before.  They built me up, restored my confidence, questioned my preconceived ideas and the way I felt about myself.  Thank goodness they came along, then thank goodness I got introduced to 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which introduced some new ideas and concepts and once I read about what was going on here it was easy to change things around.

When we get to Post Embargo you will realise where we are in things and how much has changed.  It all sounds very cloak and dagger but it really isn't.  It's funny how people walk into your life and it's Karma sometimes - things happen for a reason and the right person at the right time and someone who finally "Got Me" for what and who I am - no preconceived ideas about what I should or shouldn't be.   This all happened as I was possibly at my lowest ebb in all the years post cancer diagnosis.

Today, I have an attitude to life that has changed completely, entirely and which I try very hard to maintain.  I do get the odd wobble but it's OK I can deal with it.  That's the thing now, I can deal with this, I can control anger and I can stop myself beating myself up about the past and what I could have or should have been, done, etc.  I can just be the best I can be and that's it.  I watched people this weekend and was just there.  I did have fun and a laugh and a joke - it's what I do - I'm a funny guy when I want to be and I can be quiet and attentive.  I can be a ego centred bore too I'm sure.  This weekend I tried to just hold that last character in check, it doesn't always work of course.  

I hope that the coming week will see me move things on with the business venture and also move me closer to dropping the embargo on some of my news.  I had a good weekend away and yet I am glad I am home but want to make things move on a bit now - I have to get myself organised and try and hit the Christmas Market for my web site - if the bank ever gets back to me that is :-)  

I really shouldn't look back on the last 7 years with anything other than to say - "well that happened" because it isn't relevant and doesn't help me move forward (apart from the experience of course).  I was told that I ought to write a book about it.  I feel I've written it already because it must cover everything you'd ever feel and go through?  Who knows, maybe I will write a book at some point in time, who knows what will transpire.

So 7 years on and the angst and the depression and the immobility dropped from my body like stepping out of an old wet overcoat.  I'm enjoying the freedom of being in the now although it doesn't always work you have to work at it a fair bit.  All I do know is that all that worrying and angst were so counterproductive and destructive to allowing me to move forward they held me in a grip of grey depression for all that time.  Now I'm just about to embark on a new journey and that will be fun and fulfilling no matter how I do.  But I'll do OK, I know I will, I'll enjoy doing it, it will be my privilege and pleasure to do the best that I can do and that's the best that anyone can do - do it with the right attitude and not a heavy heart - that's surely the way?   

Weekend

I'm beginning to worry about myself - I managed to trip up three times over the weekend.  Granted two of them were down to dodgy holes in the pavement (Sidewalk) and one was me missing the steps on the way out of the Restaurant.  

The first and where I actually fell over rather than tripped was due to a small piece of metal it looked like, removed when they took away some seaward facing seats and replaced them.   Hitting that at night I managed to trip headlong but managed to save myself partially but jarred my arms and my chest and grazed my collar bone where if struck a glancing blow to the arm of the new chair that had been installed.  Luckily I was with it enough to see what was coming and take avoiding action - it could have been much worse.  The other two were just silly.  Ho hum.

We had a good time but I do notice that I am getting a lot older and not so able to drink to the quantity I used to meaning that we were back in our Hotel rooms around 11 last night.  It had though been a very long day before hand.

I'm taking it easy today the sun is shining but I am going to be very busy this week and so a little rest is a good start.

I'm also going to see if the Bank fancies ringing me - they rung me late on Friday but I didn't answer as I asked them to ring me on Friday morning.  In fact I wonder whether it is worth dealing with them at all - it has been appalling service from the start.  

So The Bank...

Still not rung me - what's that about then - 72 hour response from Monday?  I wonder whether to just dump them and go with another bank - a whole week wasted! WTF....

So - onwards an upwards - I can't worry about that and will just have to sort it out on Monday - I'm just getting ready to go to Margate for the weekend and looking forward to getting away for a short while.  It will be very enjoyable as I'm getting an honour in the Province so I'm happy about that.

I've been thinking a lot about my current situation (that you don't know about yet) and am very comfortable with where I am now.  It has taken all these years to tackle all the things that built up around me (mostly of my own making but not all) and do something about them.  It sounds selfish doesn't it - to be looking after myself?  In fact the only person you can really look after is yourself - you can't live other people's lives for them.  What you perceive as their "lot" is based on your own values and not theirs.  You can't condemn or condone or do anything about it, you might like to think you can do these things but in reality why are you doing them - will it make them feel better or will it make YOU feel better about yourself?

It's all deep stuff isn't it? :-) I like to mess with my head but I no longer beat myself up and I no longer allow myself to fly off and into a rage - I pull myself back, I still get these flashbacks to the past, these dreams of the future but I no longer dwell on them, making them real and I have now learnt to identify what they are and just to stop them interfering with me and my life.  I find myself choking back my Ego too.  I always have an opinion and as an INTJ I know lots of, well let's call it "Stuff" and I have a mind full of knowledge but in the vast majority of cases it is learnt and researched it isn't a barrel load of bollocks.  What I do now is I don't get stuck in and hold court anymore - I actually get more fun in being there and just adding the occasional snippet and watching the people.  I wished I had been a little sharper last weekend as I met this lady with a sharp pain body who needed a couple of soothing words to lose the anger she had.  It was sad that her husband had dumped her for an older woman - but that was 18 months ago and she hadn't come to terms with it.  I had only just been introduced and she volunteered that information without me asking.  Poor girl but there's an upside to that surely by now?  She can't do anything about it and it's in the past, it can't hurt you unless you constantly have it nagging in the back of your mind like she did.  She looked angry and upset when she said it - a pain came across her face and if I had known her better I might have been able to express ways of banishing that memory.

In many ways, all of the past I had that used to hurt me no longer does as I banished back to the black hole it belongs in.  Quite how your own body/mind can do some much damage to yourself is incredible if you think about it?  You have to let that stuff go and get rid of it altogether.  It has no place in your life.

So I'm off to Margate - a weekend where I don't need to look back apart from with fun and nostalgia and where I am just going to have a good time and not feel guilty about that either - in fact I'm never going to feel guilty about enjoying myself ever again.  That bit of my brain too has been switched off.  

Energy

It's good to get some energy again and to start planning and getting stuck into the business of running my business.  Typical the Bank rang as I was at Costa!  Doh!  So hopefully they will ring tomorrow morning.  

Was out with Flocky Bicep for coffee then my friend came over for lunch and so was in a good place, very good indeed.  I'm going to now take a long weekend to enjoy myself and spend time with an old friend and then hopefully to get really cracking on Monday with new vigour.  

I'm feeling very good at the moment and I just hope that it continues.  

Missing my walks

This week I haven't walked a lot at all although I did the best part of 9 miles across the weekend I suppose :-) I actually miss walking in the woods so I think next week I will try and get myself into a routine to go and take some sort of exercise each day - it really does help to get my head into the right place and get some connection with the outside world not just the inside of my house.

I notice that I am taking time to stop for coffee at my local shop - I did today - now here's something - I did go for a walk!  I went to my friend's mum's house and unloaded her lawnmower and assembled it and checked it for her.  The second time I've done that as the last one stopped working!  So I have gone for a walk - ahhh but not in the country :-) 

So - the main thing here is about getting connected and taking time out to just forget everything else around you, spend some time in the quiet of the woods and then realise that, actually, it isn't quiet at all.  This time of year there are falling leaves and berries and nuts, the crack of a piece of wood underfoot going off like a gunshot and echoing around, birds and creatures in the undergrowth and there are lots of mushrooms and fungi too.  It's really quite relaxing and just stopping, on your own either in the path or in the open fields is great, you can slow right down, concentrate on your breathing and just be in the moment.  It is a very strange place to go.  It is also quite refreshing and I have to say I do feel pretty good these days.

I get my moments - dealing with imbeciles at the water company who aren't telling me the truth is one but the anger lasts momentarily now and I stop, breath, let it go and then get on and answer their message with succinct response tinged with a little sarcasm - I'm sure I'm allowed that luxury :-) I shouldn't really but you know they do put themselves up for it and they are wriggling and not being truthful about the situation.  I will play them on the end of my hook for a little longer and then I guess we can help them resolve their problem.

It's a bit like the eBayers I have to deal with who pay me loads of money and then realise they've overpaid and I have to credit them back because they let it go through on their credit card and after signing it all off then realised it was a mistake (I've had two so far this week - then they said they hadn't got the refund and then when I said check (which they hadn't) they found I had credited it straight back) you really can't make this stuff up can you.

So even for those people I am taking a breath stopping and just getting on with it courteously and as best I can.  In the old days I may well have been somewhat more barbed in my response.  I was markedly good at restating the facts back to them about what they had done.  

So a bit of a ramble tonight.  I'm quite excited about the business and really got stuck into the planning part earlier today and I've a number of things to do tomorrow which will keep me busy - then I have my weekend away and then next week we start back doing Lodge of Instruction on Monday nights.  Interesting times... 

New Business - Coming Together Nicely Well....

So Banks right...  Everyone hates them and here I am a new business owner wanting to set up an account and it is Wednesday and I enquired on Monday and they still haven't got back to me?  Is it me?  Do they want a new customer?  It appears to me that they really haven't actually changed (like they say they have) one jot.  

I'd like to get moving as soon as possible - I can now see the business opportunity and can also work out where to get things moving and I can't because I don't have an account to set up the regular payments and all that.  

So there we have it - luckily I have still to complete some of the planning and to get my head around all the services I can provide and also some differentiation against my competitors.  So at least I am getting on with the in depth planning and things like logos, strap lines and so on.

I'm carrying on decluttering the house getting rid of stuff on eBay and the like.  Let's see how that pans out as I have shed loads of stuff I've found that I just want rid of.

Other areas of my life move on nicely and I hope it won't be too long until I can update this blog with the embargoed news as well as launching my business and well just about anything else that might happen.

I noticed today that I am getting quite good at stopping myself getting angry at things or getting to a point where I want to even comment - whether or not I have a view.  It is interesting that I am detaching myself from all this "stuff" or noise going on around me - I find it ridiculous - as indeed it all is - we really need to try and get a check on ourselves, the way we judge, the way we act etc.  I thought it was inwardly amusing to me to hear someone talking about whether other animals or other living things had the neuroses that we do.  Ever heard of an Oak Tree holding a grudge or a neurotic bird?  Interesting stuff it appears to be only humans that have these problems (and apparently dogs and domesticated animals who sort of get it off their human masters).  

I do find it all very interesting being with this inner peace I now have.  It really is quite comforting especially when I do start to worry or concern myself I can switch it off pretty quickly.  I hope it lasts :-) 

Margate - Again

Two years sure comes around fast and this weekend is Margate weekend once again.  I do enjoy going there with an old friend and we have has some funny experiences there.  this is our 3rd time at this particular Hotel and it is pretty quirky half museum half Hotel but it is great fun.  So I reckon we have been doing this for 12 years as I'm sure I missed one.

We head off on Friday and go out Friday night for some beers and a meal.  We have the big meeting on Saturday starting in the early morning and going through to the late afternoon.  We then have a short while to get back to the Hotel, get changed and have some drinks on the Terrace before heading off to Broadstairs to enjoy an evening meal and some more beers :-)

Looking forward to getting away and some R&R I have to say.  It will be nice to get out and about with my mate for a few days if nothing else.

I've finally sorted out my business ideas and had a meeting with my friend who's idea it was.  The trouble is that he cannot actually deliver on the service and neither will he quit and setup the business with me.  So that means I'll have to go and do it by myself.  Not a problem but I now need to invest a fair amount - more than I wanted - but I suppose the rewards are better.  I can then sub contract out work to him as and when needed.  I just need to position this right with him.  It's a risk to me of course but I don't want to upset the guy when it was his idea and it looks as if I am virtually stealing it from him.  Anyway - it just gives me a different investment and risk profile to work on.

Trying to set up a business bank account was fraught - jeez - the web site is confusing - the personnel didn't know what paperwork I'd brought in and I'm waiting for them to phone me back now.  Crazy!

A Long Night

I arrived early having walked 3 miles in around 60 minutes and then we partied hard until around 1:30 when I walked home for another hour or so, slightly faster than the amble home.  It was quite good as I had my MP3 player blasting out tunes and it sobered me up a bit too.  I slept in - I was shattered - I reckon I did a good 3 miles on Friday delivering those directories and a further 6 miles on Saturday but it is all good exercise and I did enjoy myself.

Today, not so much.  I had to give some bad news to the girls and as I was about to tell them the doorbell rang and so I'd only got out that I had some bad news and after 3 or 4 minutes when I'd got back to the subject.  After I'd said what I had to say the youngest burst into tears, not because of what I'd said but she had thought my cancer had come back bless her.  Which started me off!  I hadn't even thought that me getting them together like that would have made one of their minds think like that.  Anyway, she's OK thank goodness - I now know that perhaps they didn't let on much at all when I was ill and perhaps it was all bottled up.  I had never liked the fact that no one seemed that interested I suppose they just got on with their own lives.

I'm still quite choked up just thinking about it, she is such a lovely girl and a little sensitive soul and it took me aback.  

A Day On My Own

It is Open House day and everyone has disappeared off to London for the day to see buildings that are normally not open to the public.  I'm off out myself later in the afternoon as it is my friend's 60th Birthday party.  

As I'm still aching a bit from yesterday's exertions I shall actually make myself walk to my friend's house.  It is about 3 miles so about an hour I guess.  Anyway - it is a nice day and a bit of exercise never hurt anyone :-)

I shall remember to buy some beers on the way for him and a bottle of Champagne as I know he likes that.

I'm feeling fine but a little frustrated that things are still embargoed and that is still likely to be for another 3 weeks at least I think.  It's not of my making but I'm not going to force the issue.

Fit - to drop :-)

Yikes - well I delivered close to 500 Yellow Pages to households in 5 different locations.  I did - I guess - around 5 hours work but lugging around a trolley load of directories is pretty hard work.  I actually quite enjoyed being out in the fresh air and also meeting people and also doing the job well.  It was nice to go into some of the shops and businesses and actually hand them their directories and have pleases and thank yous and pleasantries exchanged.  So that made me feel good.  Not so good is the legs and back feeling like they might seize up but it is all good exercise and got me out of the house.  It also means I can get an idea for how long it takes to deliver things door to door as I'm thinking of using a leaflet campaign to launch my business locally.  It makes sense to be able to have a local business on the one hand supporting my more global business on the other.

I have a feeling that the local business may be better than the other :-)

It was good as well to spend time enjoying the work and getting satisfaction from doing something quite mundane and yet - if you focus on doing the job properly, nicely, with the right attitude then there comes a peacefulness about it.

The Banishing Of Negativity and Depression

Well it is no Silver Bullet and whilst it is early days and it hasn't been plain sailing I can at last begin to understand how to keep these two monsters at bay now.  I can't exactly tell you how I did this but bear with me whilst I recollect the conversation I had with my friend.  I had just speed read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and was also in the process of watching some of the Videos that go with that (Oprah Winfrey - search on Youtube).  That night after we had discussed the problems we had been beset with, I made a conscious effort to see if I could do something about them.

I had already been working on being in the now, in the present and be aware of myself and switching off my mind and thoughts and ego and this nasty little bit of work the pain body.  So I had glimpses of what it could be like to experience a sort of nothingness (bear with me on this).  By that I mean you become aware of yourself and it isn't your brain telling you what you are feeling.  I had gotten to the part where I had identified what was wrong with me and it was a combination of Ego, Pain Body (probably the worst part) and over analysing and just thinking like a computer all the time.  

I lay down in bed, concentrated on my breathing and nothing else.  Whilst I knew that the past couldn't hurt me and the future could not be what I schemed and dreamed and that the pain body was just a manifestation that's only purpose was to drag up the past, I just banished them and must have fallen asleep clear minded.  When I awoke in the morning it just felt so different and has done every morning since then.  In fact all day long, every day is like that now.  I do have to fight these things but they are momentary - I recognise them and just banish them with a few breathing exercises.  These thoughts and ideas aren't real and therefore can't hurt me and are unhelpful - so it's great to dismiss them and get on with my life. 

Leave you with it - it's worth trying but you do need to be in the situation that you are ready to do something about it.  I waited 7 years or more to do this - I'd urge you not to do the same.

There are some side effects that I'll share with you later but they can't be helped - see if you can think what they might be?

I'm Alright Jack

Keep your hands off of my stack (Pink Floyd)....

No but really that's a bit how it is at the moment.  I'm in a good place, I'm happy.  Not everyone gets it at the moment.  The new me leaves people worried and curious and thinking that I'm having some sort of breakdown or something.  It's a little bit funny (Elton John) that anyone should think that because I'm probably the furthest from being broken down I've ever been.

I do have to wonder about the blank paper I present myself with every day but there you go, that's the way it is.  

I almost started to regret that all my future plans are no longer there anymore and that in their place is a sort of hope but on substance at the moment.  Whilst I'm pulling together some business plans and I'm almost there on those, I am not envisaging a huge empire or a business but more so something that I can just get on and do and enjoy.  That's the idea anyway.  It could, of course, fail miserably but then if it does, there'll be something else to do no doubt.

So to come back on to track, what I meant to say was that I am no longer going to be looking after other people and their lives because it isn't my life - it isn't selfish - it just means that they need to do things themselves, take action themselves and to stop being told what to do.

Enjoying the moment

Strange to say it but that's what I'm beginning to do now.  Of course not everything is fantastic and wonderful, how could it be, but to just drink in the moment is good I find and I do enjoy the feeling at the moment of just doing things because they need to be done and just getting on with it.  It is relaxing and rather than just doing such things unconsciously - like going to the Post Office to send off loads of eBay stuff, just look forward to the walk and smiling at people and observe things around you.  I've lived here for 25 years and I notice different things about the road I've walked up and down thousands of times each time I go out.  Try it, actually take in what is around you - you'll be surprised.

Strange Place Indeed

Whatever I did to myself makes me an interesting person to be with.  I was on top form tonight at the pub but I had an audience and I do like to play up to one of those especially a couple of tables of ladies.  I realise that all I had to do was be subtle and let their minds make up the rest of the story.  Bingo - well that was what they were playing and also how quickly they got the insinuations.

A good night out and not quite as we planned but that too was OK.  It's midnight as I type this and that means it took me at least 30 minutes to walk home from the other side of town.  Did well especially as we were trying to get a last drink for the evening.  We failed miserably at that.  We did however look at the scanning business.  I should be able to make a serious go of it as long as I can get some sort of agreement about how we combine our effort and how we all get paid for it.  I'm happy to fund the initial work to kick off and grow the business and they have already invested in the equipment.  A good kick start could really start the business going before Christmas and give me some real purpose in working towards a real achievable goal.

I'm still in a great though quite strange place at the moment.  My clarity of thinking is amazing and my ability to make huge room for the lack of commercial ability of my colleague is also a good thing.  I am happy that I can make this room now for people where before I was dismissive and didn't allow for their own personality and experience to be expressed.

I enjoy being on the periphery of my own existence and look in on myself like this it is SO strange.... :-) 

To Be Happy :-)

As I walked along the road towards Costa coffee shop to meet Flocky Bicep at rush hour and watched the serious faces and the toot of an angry car, or watched someone rushing past their road and having to turn back :-) and as I felt the rising need to say something or think something like "idiot" or "should have gone to Specsavers" I didn't - I stopped myself in mid thought, killed it off and just carried on.  It was just a pleasure to be walking along the road.  It is fun just smiling or acknowledging your fellow walkers and give a smile and you'll often get a smile back for your troubles.

I'm still feeling great and happy, above all I am happy and I can't even begin to tell you what that is like after all this time of carrying a pile of baggage around with me.  It really feels like I've lost about 3 or 4 stone.  I am breathing well, my heart rate is down - I'm guessing but haven't tested it that my blood pressure is way down too.  My real weight is also down and dipped below 15 stone so I'm an even happier bunny..

I feel a bit like some sort of evangelist but I don't want to ram my "enlightenment" down your throat at all.  Because half of the story is missing (and will be for a while I'm afraid) I can only hint at what happened here.  Some of my close friends know so it's not as if I'm not boring the hell out of them :-)  Bless them, they've been great all the way through but more so in the last 15 weeks - yes 15 weeks today!!!!

In 15 weeks I've lived a lifetime of experiences and emotions and finally made the changes I knew I wanted to make.  They didn't come about in the way I had planned at all but the journey was part of the destination (if that isn't a strange thing to say).  I haven't arrived at the destination yet but the journey has had more plot twists than a Christopher Nolan film :-) 

The me of 16 weeks ago is hardly identifiable with the me of today.  Gone are all the anxieties and worries I had then and gone are all the heavy guilt and self flagellation baggage that I carried around with me.  Gone is the guilt trip of living after cancer and the guilt of not dying.  Gone the worries about what people thought about me, gone the "whole world is against me", gone the need to "get even" with my foes.  As my friend often said to me "Let It Go Louie" 

Absolutely - it's all gone.  No need to get all rattled about the past, no need to get worried about the future either.  Once you get that into your head, everything else drops away and so that's why I'm in a good place.  

So happy and being in a happy place?  I find it amazing as I should really be in bits and all upset and miserable with my lot and yet I'm not at all.  Suddenly it all makes sense and from the ashes of my past life and the last 15 weeks journey when I've built huge monuments to life and ripped them down and torn down the dusty veils behind my eyes I've finally arrived here and can start to live again.  The freedom is incredible, the feelings of space and lightness are palpable and the ability to identify my own thoughts and ego and pain body trying to get at me is so acute that I can catch it pretty quickly and deal with it and almost laugh at it and deal with it.  That's the trick to work out the stupidity behind worrying about all these things, taking on board all that worry when it is totally unnecessary to do so. 

There is someway still to travel and who knows what I will find and what I'll experience then.  The main thing is not to worry about it and to just roll with the moment.  

It is difficult to explain further here but someone who means a lot to me who holds a very special place in my affection, my heart and my mind gave me a magical gift all those weeks back when I started this journey.  Whether they knew it or not they gave me back my self esteem and self confidence.  They had been missing for years and just needed awakening.  They spent a lot of time rebuilding me and putting me back together and through patient industry, tenderness and love gave me the strength to go away and tear down the old and come through it to where I am now.  It feels like a Caterpillar to Butterfly transformation and whilst I had to do that myself, the catalyst, the motivation, the person that lit the touch paper was there encouraging and supportive.

You need friends like that too - those who pick you up, dust you down and set you on your way again.  If you were locked in jail they wouldn't bail you out because they'd be sitting next to you saying "Hell what a ride!" :-) 

Strange Feelings - Lightness

It has been most peculiar I have to say - since a few weeks back when I finally realised that I could get rid of all the baggage I used to carry around, that's all the legacy stuff and all the planning and dreaming stuff.  It was an interesting thing because I went to bed and as I lay there I just started to do some breathing exercises - you concentrate on your breathing and the air going in and out and then your chest moving and then try and actually feel your hands and your feet and your body and concentrate on nothing else, no thought at all.  

When I awoke there was nothing there at all.  I have to stop myself many times a day because we are all creatures of habit and things come back but all I need do is stop, breathe a few times and concentrate on that and the thought has nowhere to go and doesn't get my attention.  The same with dreams, I now smile when I get one of these future dreams and snuff it out - it isn't real.  

What I'm left with is a lightness in my chest.  It was always tight with knotted fear or adrenaline or something similar, some sort of dread and now it is fine and I can breathe easier and feel just great.  Maybe I ought to check my blood pressure and get that appointment with the Asthma Nurse now :-)

We are still in embargo - sorry, looks like at least another 3 or 4 weeks - not of my making I'm afraid but there you go.  Once we are out of embargo it will all become a lot clearer - maybe :-)

I'm working on my future and that's interesting indeed.  I need to work out how I can raise some decent money being a researcher but I'm sure if I put my mind to this, anything is possible.  It's nothing that a bit of hard work can't resolve.  It's probably the first time that I've entered something where I know there is a medium risk that this may not work at all but I'm sort of confident that it should provide me with the sort of lifestyle I want.  I can work the hours as required and build the business to suit myself.  Being employed may not provide me with that option.  I know other things I did also provided no return but in many ways, this is MY business and my drive and my enthusiasm and energy.  I can't see why it shouldn't work as long as I commit a lot of time initially to it.  After tomorrow I will have a fair idea of whether things are viable in terms of the initial thrust of the business or not.

The really great thing is though that I'm free of the past at last I can't tell you how liberating that is.  All that guilt and all the nasty voices are no longer there.  I don't have the premonitions and fear I used to have.  My confidence is returned and my outlook is so much better.  From now on what is the worst thing that can happen is a sort of unwritten motto :-)

Business Planning - Decluttering and other stuff

My office looks like a mini Hurricane has passed through it.  Loads more stuff has arrived all requiring being posted on eBay and gotten rid of.  I've finally made a decision that all of my old books and files can just go as all they've been good for is trapping dust.  If they don't go then they are going to Flocky Bicep's incinerator along with a lot of confidential documents.  Stuff I've kept for years just in case can now be dumped and thrown away.  

The Vinyl record collection that a dealer offered me a few hundred pounds for will go onto to eBay too and it can raise its market value on there and be gotten rid of.  Unfortunately much of it will end up where it belongs in landfill or maybe I will see if a Charity Shop wants it.

I've been looking at stuff that I am "attached" to and do you know what?  There isn't very much that I'm attached to at all really.  There's stuff I want to keep - all my books, I love my books but my Vinyl and my CDs well - I don't need them - I have electronic versions after all.  All my reference books from when I was an electrical engineer - are being offered to those whom I know and if they don't want them then they too will go to the incinerator or charity shop too. 

The sheer amount of clutter and stuff stored away surprised me.  All my musical instruments I'll keep though as I really ought to get back and play those - I used to derive pleasure from them but put them away years ago and didn't do anything further.  What a waste.  

Why all this activity?  Well I got fed up with it all and wondered what on earth all the clutter was doing here?  It isn't doing anything and it really could do with being thrown out - if someone else can use it - great - if not dump it.  It serves no purpose.

The trouble with this is, once you've started clearing the place you end up causing a lot more clutter for a short period of time - in my office which is a pain in the arse because whilst doing this I am also trying to start my new business :-)  Oh well bring it on.....

I'm still feeling great about my life and whilst not fully out of the brown smelly stuff, I can say that I am beginning to feel good and to start to let really enjoy this new found freedom.   I've started to really pull the business plans together and start to ramp up my thinking and how I can go about running the business.  It is a life style business centred around genealogy services and also photographic services.  I've thought about this for a number of years and think that it's about time I just went and gave it a go - what's the worst thing that can happen?  The main thing is to actually run it as a business and spend time building it and making it happen.  There are lots of competitors out there but I'm sure I can bring my own style to it.  Let's hope so. 

Watching the detectives

Great track by Elvis Costello of course but also was interesting to be people watching yesterday.  I really enjoyed getting back into the swing of things.  I couldn't help myself in conversation letting the ego get going but once I realised what it was I changed tack and became a really good listener and answered when asked.  

I ended up talking to the girl behind the bar and listening to her woes and travails and just let her get that off her chest.

I had a few beers and travelled home and felt great.  It is strange I have to say.  I feel really quite well and light - sure I've lost weight - but this is a lightness in body because there aren't all those old doubts and worries, no beating myself up about stuff I did in the past and also nothing in the future.  

I have to say that that bit is a little concerning.  It's not that I don't have plans and some concerns about my future, but somehow it isn't significant anymore.  I was worried that I may not be able to afford to go on a nice holiday if I go run this lifestyle business and yet, in reality, does it matter as long as I'm well, warm and comfortable and can feed myself?  Where does happiness lie?

Last week I thought it lay in a different place altogether and was wholly convinced of that only to have the whole lot come crashing down around my ears.  Hence my posts of last week.  I had grand ideas and plans and as usual, I do nothing by halves.  But it was a house of cards and in the end what I perceived as foundations weren't.  I was blinded once again by my mind and my thoughts and I was so glad that I had read A New Earth by then and was able to rationalise what was going on.  In fact, reading it had already prepared me in some way because I'd already got a feeling that all wasn't to be plain sailing.

This week gone has been one of finally getting it all together and whilst there is bound to be residual bits of resistance, I'm overcoming them.  The one about my future is very keenly in my mind because I don't think it is easy to not worry about the future or consider where you'll be.  How will I pay the bills etc and yet, in reality you can't worry about stuff like that - what's the point?  Having worried all my life about stuff like that to then try and not do it is always going to be difficult.  

It's not as if somehow I've forgotten how to run a business or as some of these recruiters would have me believe that I've somehow forgotten how to work abroad or manage people and projects.   So why not go and do what I'd planned to do years ago and just get on with it and see where it takes me and to take the risks and run with them.  What's the worst that can happen?  The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out.... Failure is always an option but it shouldn't stop you taking the chance and living.