A premalignant condition that, if left untreated, may lead to cancer.
The treatment should ensure that there are none of these precancerous cells return and that nothing gets back to where it was before.
It is a strange thing that you can't see anything wrong, you can't even feel anything wrong most of the time and you can't see what progress you've made or how the treatment is going. It makes having bladder cancer a surreal experience. In fact, the only times I feel ill are post operation, the stress before an operation and the BCGs make you feel tired and a bit sore. Other than that, you wouldn't know you've got problems. It was like carrying around an unexploded bomb in your body and not even realizing it. Bizarre.
As today progresses the more I realise that I really have crossed that line between the extremely dangerous and the dangerous but manageable. I still thought that I'd get hit with waves of relief or joy or something and it is not really like that. It is more a satisfied smirk than a fist clenching and pumping YEA! Oh well - you can't have everything.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Well I feel different this morning
It could be wind :-)
No - I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me this morning (it does feel like that too) and I feel well in myself. I've done my exercises and pushed those hard this morning so there is a bit of exercise buzz in there too.
It is nice to have others around you who speak rationally about the news and make me see how good things really are - which is great, so thanks to them all for that.
In business one of the arts is to separate the emotion from the facts and in business, I'm good at that. It is very difficult to do it when it is you and your body going through this.
Positive and upbeat thinking needed today.
No - I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me this morning (it does feel like that too) and I feel well in myself. I've done my exercises and pushed those hard this morning so there is a bit of exercise buzz in there too.
It is nice to have others around you who speak rationally about the news and make me see how good things really are - which is great, so thanks to them all for that.
In business one of the arts is to separate the emotion from the facts and in business, I'm good at that. It is very difficult to do it when it is you and your body going through this.
Positive and upbeat thinking needed today.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Should I be leaping about or just like I am now
I really am quite low key about this. I thought I'd be leaping for joy at the news and I have again surprised myself that I am quite matter of fact about it. I made one of my mates squirm tonight talking about what I was about to have done and - realistically, this time last year I'd have squirmed too!
I'm just nowhere near as upbeat. Perhaps I set sights low so as not to be disappointed. Whatever it is, I'm going to go to bed now and perhaps wake up in the morning feeling great! Who knows.
I'm just nowhere near as upbeat. Perhaps I set sights low so as not to be disappointed. Whatever it is, I'm going to go to bed now and perhaps wake up in the morning feeling great! Who knows.
A Brazilian?
Not quite.
In an earlier blog I mentioned that there was a huge bare patch on my leg like 6 x 4 or perhaps even 6 x 8. So I had to ask what that was for - as you do.
Well it was interesting. They have to cauterise the areas they cut out of your bladder and that is obviously electric. If you ever saw the film clip of the operation they use a loop of wire and as it cuts out the tumour it cauterises behind it.
So - bare leg?? Yes they have to earth your body so that the thing actually works. Being of somewhat hairy disposition, they have to have a good contact and that is why I have a shaved patch on my leg.
The female element of this household were sniggering that Dad had had his legs waxed. Well the best bit about this was it was done under general anaesthetic and I didn't feel a thing! So there!
In an earlier blog I mentioned that there was a huge bare patch on my leg like 6 x 4 or perhaps even 6 x 8. So I had to ask what that was for - as you do.
Well it was interesting. They have to cauterise the areas they cut out of your bladder and that is obviously electric. If you ever saw the film clip of the operation they use a loop of wire and as it cuts out the tumour it cauterises behind it.
So - bare leg?? Yes they have to earth your body so that the thing actually works. Being of somewhat hairy disposition, they have to have a good contact and that is why I have a shaved patch on my leg.
The female element of this household were sniggering that Dad had had his legs waxed. Well the best bit about this was it was done under general anaesthetic and I didn't feel a thing! So there!
Fast and Efficient & OH YES!!
Left at 4:30, appointment bang on the dot at 4:40 home by 4:55.
Deep breath:
Here goes:
Clear - original areas are clear
Small areas - tiny, precancerous - cut out and no longer there
Next Steps:
6 more BCGs starting 4th June finishing 9th July.
3 Months after 9th July - oh dear - operation to biopsy the bladder and see what has happened. Interestingly enough this HAS to be done when you are knocked out.
If that is clear - maintenance - but it has to be clear to do that. Maintenance is 3 BGCs, 6 months, flexible scope, review, another 3 BCGs and so on. You get the 3 BCGs and gradually they build the time between reviews from 6 months outwards.
Conclusion:
I really wasn't expecting to have the biopsy operation. At the back of my mind I thought it might be needed but wasn't sure quite what they do but if they have to take more biopsies then they have to do that under a general - she did say that she could do a local but it wasn't particularly recommended and wouldn't be high on her list (or mine if the truth be known).
So, if you'd have put this on the table and said to me last year that in May 2007 you won't be worried about losing your bladder and using a bag, they've stopped the cancer from invading and this next lot of BCG is only tackling two tiny areas rather than the larger areas from before, I'd have pulled your arm from your socket.
Deep down inside I am really pleased. The BCG did its stuff and the next lot - whilst not pleasant, should see off these little pesky areas. Not sure about yet another operation in 4 and a half months time but perhaps I can live with that now.
Have things changed? Perhaps. I actually need to adjust my thinking and challenge myself a bit as I know this is a great step forward and I know I can live with this. It is whether I can work around it and manage my life with it that are the next big steps. No doubt more as I run through all the options and ideas and feelings that I have now.
Yesterday I thought I had this planned out for all scenarios and I'm not walking around with a big smile or anything at the moment - perhaps that will come later?
I'm out for a few drinks this evening so perhaps I can relax a bit then and temper the relief, excitement, gratefulness and yet slight disappointment and work out what really is important like getting a few beers now my neck and having a good time :-)
Deep breath:
Here goes:
Clear - original areas are clear
Small areas - tiny, precancerous - cut out and no longer there
Next Steps:
6 more BCGs starting 4th June finishing 9th July.
3 Months after 9th July - oh dear - operation to biopsy the bladder and see what has happened. Interestingly enough this HAS to be done when you are knocked out.
If that is clear - maintenance - but it has to be clear to do that. Maintenance is 3 BGCs, 6 months, flexible scope, review, another 3 BCGs and so on. You get the 3 BCGs and gradually they build the time between reviews from 6 months outwards.
Conclusion:
I really wasn't expecting to have the biopsy operation. At the back of my mind I thought it might be needed but wasn't sure quite what they do but if they have to take more biopsies then they have to do that under a general - she did say that she could do a local but it wasn't particularly recommended and wouldn't be high on her list (or mine if the truth be known).
So, if you'd have put this on the table and said to me last year that in May 2007 you won't be worried about losing your bladder and using a bag, they've stopped the cancer from invading and this next lot of BCG is only tackling two tiny areas rather than the larger areas from before, I'd have pulled your arm from your socket.
Deep down inside I am really pleased. The BCG did its stuff and the next lot - whilst not pleasant, should see off these little pesky areas. Not sure about yet another operation in 4 and a half months time but perhaps I can live with that now.
Have things changed? Perhaps. I actually need to adjust my thinking and challenge myself a bit as I know this is a great step forward and I know I can live with this. It is whether I can work around it and manage my life with it that are the next big steps. No doubt more as I run through all the options and ideas and feelings that I have now.
Yesterday I thought I had this planned out for all scenarios and I'm not walking around with a big smile or anything at the moment - perhaps that will come later?
I'm out for a few drinks this evening so perhaps I can relax a bit then and temper the relief, excitement, gratefulness and yet slight disappointment and work out what really is important like getting a few beers now my neck and having a good time :-)
Count down
I'm just getting ready to go to see the consultant. One of the last appointments of the day and so I could end up waiting for ages or be seen in moments - who knows - another outing for the MP3 player (not that my MP3 player is challenged in that way you understand).
I'm ever so slightly on edge even now. I know they aren't going to do anything, just tell me where we are and what is left to do and plan out the follow up treatment. Yet I'm quite nervous about what they will say and how they will say it. Strange - I suppose it is just the uncertainty and realising that I shouldn't second guess what they will do next.
I see this as a moment where I can get a grip on my life again and set off tomorrow with a clear understanding of how I am, what I can and cannot do and what I need to do to keep me well. After that I can get to planning and tackling this backlog of work.
I'm ever so slightly on edge even now. I know they aren't going to do anything, just tell me where we are and what is left to do and plan out the follow up treatment. Yet I'm quite nervous about what they will say and how they will say it. Strange - I suppose it is just the uncertainty and realising that I shouldn't second guess what they will do next.
I see this as a moment where I can get a grip on my life again and set off tomorrow with a clear understanding of how I am, what I can and cannot do and what I need to do to keep me well. After that I can get to planning and tackling this backlog of work.
Improved Chances
The BBC are doing a story today about survival and cancer. In fact it is their theme all this week.
The Web article is HERE
There are no league tables here but you can imagine that developing some cancers are better than getting others. You may think bladder cancer is a bit eye watering with what they have to do to get in and out but, the treatments available are well proven and the prognosis is generally pretty good. Certainly the 5 year figures are good. Of course, the other problems that mess up the figures are when was the cancer diagnosed and at what stage was it.
Anyway, it was an interesting article and bit on the TV today.
The Web article is HERE
There are no league tables here but you can imagine that developing some cancers are better than getting others. You may think bladder cancer is a bit eye watering with what they have to do to get in and out but, the treatments available are well proven and the prognosis is generally pretty good. Certainly the 5 year figures are good. Of course, the other problems that mess up the figures are when was the cancer diagnosed and at what stage was it.
Anyway, it was an interesting article and bit on the TV today.
Had a seriously bad moment back there
You get some bad times and sometimes when you don't expect it.
I was just sitting here thinking and suddenly I had a flash back of the three operations the original procedure under local and the dreaded IVU and got quite upset - I feel quite upset now writing this as well. It was all the grizzly bits and the re-living of the stress going into theatre and so on.
Shudder!
It passed pretty soon but perhaps that was my brain drawing a line under that lot and getting ready to move on - I sure hope I don't have to have any more of those.
Strewth, 3 operations, one local procedure and an IVU X-Ray thingy all in the space of 10 months. Now that I put it like that no wonder I'm feeling a bit emotional.
I was just sitting here thinking and suddenly I had a flash back of the three operations the original procedure under local and the dreaded IVU and got quite upset - I feel quite upset now writing this as well. It was all the grizzly bits and the re-living of the stress going into theatre and so on.
Shudder!
It passed pretty soon but perhaps that was my brain drawing a line under that lot and getting ready to move on - I sure hope I don't have to have any more of those.
Strewth, 3 operations, one local procedure and an IVU X-Ray thingy all in the space of 10 months. Now that I put it like that no wonder I'm feeling a bit emotional.
Like waiting for your exam results
It is quite important isn't it? A friend had to wait an extra week to find out that he didn't have something really nasty - imagine that sort of wait. I remember waiting to be seen the first time and hoping that everything would go away so that I didn't need to be seen.
Those were frightening days - 10 months ago now. Of course then I knew that I was seriously ill, thought that it was something like kidney cancer perhaps bladder cancer and we wished it was something a little less. Waiting 2 weeks to get seen whilst showing major symptoms was pretty bad. Some of the other waiting was as bad as that. The appointment after the first operation was a major worry as we needed to see how invasive the cancer was. It was early invasive and they did the second operation to check that out.
Waiting for those results was more worrying but the meeting wasn't what we thought it would be - things were a lot better and it was CIS. So much better that they had to go and re-check their results! The return meeting was a bit worrying as well as casting doubt on the good results worried us but of course the consultant was doing her job "belt and braces". CIS is pretty dangerous but in my mind not as dangerous as the invasive (I have been known to be wrong)
This time, we know that the outlook is good, I was told that and also that the smallest scrapes was done - if they do anything larger you get catheterised. So I'm going today hoping to get some good news. Something this time that is proactive rather than reactive. All will become clear later today.
Those were frightening days - 10 months ago now. Of course then I knew that I was seriously ill, thought that it was something like kidney cancer perhaps bladder cancer and we wished it was something a little less. Waiting 2 weeks to get seen whilst showing major symptoms was pretty bad. Some of the other waiting was as bad as that. The appointment after the first operation was a major worry as we needed to see how invasive the cancer was. It was early invasive and they did the second operation to check that out.
Waiting for those results was more worrying but the meeting wasn't what we thought it would be - things were a lot better and it was CIS. So much better that they had to go and re-check their results! The return meeting was a bit worrying as well as casting doubt on the good results worried us but of course the consultant was doing her job "belt and braces". CIS is pretty dangerous but in my mind not as dangerous as the invasive (I have been known to be wrong)
This time, we know that the outlook is good, I was told that and also that the smallest scrapes was done - if they do anything larger you get catheterised. So I'm going today hoping to get some good news. Something this time that is proactive rather than reactive. All will become clear later today.
Monday, May 14, 2007
One Year Ago Tomorrow
Was another defining day.
It was the day I went up to London and was interviewed for the job I had last year. How strange are these coincidences or perhaps we just see patterns in such things (or I do - sad old g*t) :-)
Anyway, a whole year ago and I remember being so excited about the possibilities and the challenge of the job. It would be the 23rd of May that I actually started and I remember going up to Yorkshire and spending a week there coming home through the Friday night bank holiday traffic wasn't the greatest of fun but, even so, they were exciting days!
I haven't given it a thought about whether or not things would have turned out different if I hadn't have been ill. I actually think that there may have been some interesting personality clashes at some point in time but hey ho - let it go.
It was the day I went up to London and was interviewed for the job I had last year. How strange are these coincidences or perhaps we just see patterns in such things (or I do - sad old g*t) :-)
Anyway, a whole year ago and I remember being so excited about the possibilities and the challenge of the job. It would be the 23rd of May that I actually started and I remember going up to Yorkshire and spending a week there coming home through the Friday night bank holiday traffic wasn't the greatest of fun but, even so, they were exciting days!
I haven't given it a thought about whether or not things would have turned out different if I hadn't have been ill. I actually think that there may have been some interesting personality clashes at some point in time but hey ho - let it go.
Tomorrow - a Defining Day
In all ways really. The main event will be getting to see the consultant and getting the news about what the next steps are going to be. The next is this job offer (of sorts) on the table. I've got all the paperwork and it all looks too good.
I can only fault a few pieces of what I have received so far. I'm relatively cautious on this sort of thing and so I am giving it a lot of thought. There appears to be a lot of data and details to take in and so far, I'm pretty taken with the ideas and the potential. Can't say more - sorry.
So by this time tomorrow I should have an answer about my future health and well-being. A bit later I imagine I'll be testing the ideas for the job with some colleagues as we are out for the evening.
Perhaps by the end of this week I can have lined myself up with something useful to occupy my time? I'll know when I'm due in and out of hosiptal and I'll have a fair idea how much time I can devote to work and also and almost more importantly I can get some holiday planned.
I can only fault a few pieces of what I have received so far. I'm relatively cautious on this sort of thing and so I am giving it a lot of thought. There appears to be a lot of data and details to take in and so far, I'm pretty taken with the ideas and the potential. Can't say more - sorry.
So by this time tomorrow I should have an answer about my future health and well-being. A bit later I imagine I'll be testing the ideas for the job with some colleagues as we are out for the evening.
Perhaps by the end of this week I can have lined myself up with something useful to occupy my time? I'll know when I'm due in and out of hosiptal and I'll have a fair idea how much time I can devote to work and also and almost more importantly I can get some holiday planned.
Blimey look at the size of that!
Sword that is.....
As promised a week or so ago. That chap in the middle holding the sword is me. This is the inside of Freemasons' Hall in London at our annual meeting. I was desperate to be fit and well to do this. I was meant to do this twice in my year in office but was in Hospital last September and had to miss it but, luckily it meant my deputy was able to fill in for me. We met on the day and he was pleased that he had the opportunity but not happy it was at my expense but, what it meant was that we both got a turn to do this during our year which was fair.
Anyway, a very happy day for me and at one time, one I thought I'd never manage especially when they started moving my March operation back in time!
As promised a week or so ago. That chap in the middle holding the sword is me. This is the inside of Freemasons' Hall in London at our annual meeting. I was desperate to be fit and well to do this. I was meant to do this twice in my year in office but was in Hospital last September and had to miss it but, luckily it meant my deputy was able to fill in for me. We met on the day and he was pleased that he had the opportunity but not happy it was at my expense but, what it meant was that we both got a turn to do this during our year which was fair.
Anyway, a very happy day for me and at one time, one I thought I'd never manage especially when they started moving my March operation back in time!
That's encouraging
I lost another kilo (2.2 Lbs) last week!!! I am pleased as punch about that. I thought I felt a little better and lighter.
The week before it sort of stood still - well the scales were flashing up and down half a kilo so I took the middle and reckoned I'd stayed the same.
Weighing myself this morning I was expecting a similar story or perhaps to have added a bit more but obviously the exercise and remainder of the week's diet has seen me OK. It is amazing considering the two 3/4 course meals I had during the week.
So I have lost so far 9 kilos - that is almost 20 Lbs. The strangest things is that only those people who haven't seen me for 6 or 8 weeks or more would notice! But, anyway, really pleased with that and although it is a bit more than the Doc wants me to lose at least I am not feeling hungry or unwell through doing this.
I do notice the loss on things like fitting into my clothes, exercising - I can really push on with that now and I am on the more advanced programmes and do 30 minutes at a stretch not 3 x 10 minute sessions. I also go further on the machine now - close to 5 miles and burn off more calories of course.
Good - that is the way to start off a week - positive thinking.
The week before it sort of stood still - well the scales were flashing up and down half a kilo so I took the middle and reckoned I'd stayed the same.
Weighing myself this morning I was expecting a similar story or perhaps to have added a bit more but obviously the exercise and remainder of the week's diet has seen me OK. It is amazing considering the two 3/4 course meals I had during the week.
So I have lost so far 9 kilos - that is almost 20 Lbs. The strangest things is that only those people who haven't seen me for 6 or 8 weeks or more would notice! But, anyway, really pleased with that and although it is a bit more than the Doc wants me to lose at least I am not feeling hungry or unwell through doing this.
I do notice the loss on things like fitting into my clothes, exercising - I can really push on with that now and I am on the more advanced programmes and do 30 minutes at a stretch not 3 x 10 minute sessions. I also go further on the machine now - close to 5 miles and burn off more calories of course.
Good - that is the way to start off a week - positive thinking.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Returning to the subject of this blog
I guess that the pressure is off somewhat and that I'm taking a breather from medical problems for a while.
With the issuing of my 50th Birthday invitations this weekend I am looking forward to the birthday I thought that at one time I wouldn't have.
I'm looking forward to seeing the consultant on Tuesday and getting the definitive answer on what will happen next. Whether it is 6 or 3 BCGs and whether it is 3 or 6 months follow up regime.
It is going to be a case of - at least I'll know. Curiously enough that is one of the things that makes things worse - not knowing. If you know you can deal with it. You may not like it, it certainly hasn't been the words you'd want to hear but at least you know and at least you can plan your next moves.
So much hinges on this - like getting that holiday, like a job or getting something approaching a job, knowing when I can realistically start working at that job and stuff like that.
I know I'm doing bits now, have irons in the fire etc but you can tell when you talk to me that there is uncertainty in my voice and I hesitate to commit. My concern would be that I'll let the person down. After Tuesday, I hope to be able to get rid of that problem.
What else? I suppose I then need to get back to working on my fitness and losing weight more effectively. I'll probably lose a bit through the treatment this time. I need to be careful about the timings and any exercises I do. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.
With the issuing of my 50th Birthday invitations this weekend I am looking forward to the birthday I thought that at one time I wouldn't have.
I'm looking forward to seeing the consultant on Tuesday and getting the definitive answer on what will happen next. Whether it is 6 or 3 BCGs and whether it is 3 or 6 months follow up regime.
It is going to be a case of - at least I'll know. Curiously enough that is one of the things that makes things worse - not knowing. If you know you can deal with it. You may not like it, it certainly hasn't been the words you'd want to hear but at least you know and at least you can plan your next moves.
So much hinges on this - like getting that holiday, like a job or getting something approaching a job, knowing when I can realistically start working at that job and stuff like that.
I know I'm doing bits now, have irons in the fire etc but you can tell when you talk to me that there is uncertainty in my voice and I hesitate to commit. My concern would be that I'll let the person down. After Tuesday, I hope to be able to get rid of that problem.
What else? I suppose I then need to get back to working on my fitness and losing weight more effectively. I'll probably lose a bit through the treatment this time. I need to be careful about the timings and any exercises I do. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.
Seems Like Therapy or perhaps hard labour
Doing the envelopes, folding and stapling address books, treasurer's slips, letters etc and making sure the right ones went in the right envelopes.
Anyway - it is mostly complete and the remainder are coming from the printers tomorrow so I will have my hands full with that.
Anyway - it is mostly complete and the remainder are coming from the printers tomorrow so I will have my hands full with that.
Getting going
This morning - I have been printing off hundreds of labels, letters and getting ready to assemble the notices for my Lodge that all need to be posted tomorrow. It is quite a logistical feat as I have to get stuff back from the printers and to make it all come together and all the right slips of paper (all personalised) need to go in the right envelopes.
So it looks like a day full of folding, stapling, checking and envelope stuffing for me. At least the Spanish GP is on later and I can watch that. It has been 4 weeks since the last one and I kind of miss it not being around. Monaco in a few weeks time. I was going to go this year but I need to be around on the Friday evening so it would be a bit difficult. I must try harder for next year.
So it looks like a day full of folding, stapling, checking and envelope stuffing for me. At least the Spanish GP is on later and I can watch that. It has been 4 weeks since the last one and I kind of miss it not being around. Monaco in a few weeks time. I was going to go this year but I need to be around on the Friday evening so it would be a bit difficult. I must try harder for next year.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Much merriment going on in one of the girl's rooms
They are watching the Eurovision song contest - so bad it is good if you follow me.
I really don't have the time or the patience for it these days and once you've seen how it has nothing to do with talent and all about political voting you really can't watch it again - or maybe YOU can?
So, I've actually been working today reading and researching this potential new job. It sounds too good to be true and that is ringing the alarm bells with me. So far I have found nothing untoward and all looks to be OK.
Being a sceptic I do tend to go for the hard facts and not quite but as near possible cast iron assurances.
So far it looks good and the next steps are in place to take it on further. It would mean 3 months working without any salary to start with but after that then things get interesting.
The fly in the ointment is that I really do need a break - a holiday that is and if I were to take this job I wouldn't get one I don't think.
I really don't have the time or the patience for it these days and once you've seen how it has nothing to do with talent and all about political voting you really can't watch it again - or maybe YOU can?
So, I've actually been working today reading and researching this potential new job. It sounds too good to be true and that is ringing the alarm bells with me. So far I have found nothing untoward and all looks to be OK.
Being a sceptic I do tend to go for the hard facts and not quite but as near possible cast iron assurances.
So far it looks good and the next steps are in place to take it on further. It would mean 3 months working without any salary to start with but after that then things get interesting.
The fly in the ointment is that I really do need a break - a holiday that is and if I were to take this job I wouldn't get one I don't think.
Bang
2 am - huge crack of thunder and a cloud burst and that was sleep gone for a good hour or so, the road outside was like a river and the noise of the rain was tremendous. Two of us woke up and the rest of the house slept through it.
It is a beautiful morning out there and I was about to start exercises when my nephew turned up and so I haven't done that this morning so perhaps I will do that this evening as the damn Eurovision Song Contest is on.
With a bit of luck I can get on and get this backlog of small jobs off of my desk today.
Wish me luck as I'll need it
It is a beautiful morning out there and I was about to start exercises when my nephew turned up and so I haven't done that this morning so perhaps I will do that this evening as the damn Eurovision Song Contest is on.
With a bit of luck I can get on and get this backlog of small jobs off of my desk today.
Wish me luck as I'll need it
Friday, May 11, 2007
An Early Night
I haven't had one of those this week so I am just going to take my blood pressure and then turn in - I have a stack of things to do but they can now wait until the morning when I can get some sense and order into my life - I hope.
I am going to wish myself well for that as I doubt that it will actually go to plan :-)
I am going to wish myself well for that as I doubt that it will actually go to plan :-)
The phone hasn't stopped ringing
Well it has or I wouldn't be able to write this. It has been chaos this morning. However, all good chaos if you know what I mean? All positives and some very interesting stuff coming up.
The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.
All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.
Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.
The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.
All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.
Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
A great evening
Again, a fantastic evening. I think that I now really appreciate a good night out whereas perhaps last year it would have been something I just did. Now it is something to savour. Like yesterday, a superb meeting and a lovely meal afterwards. I was a bit disappointed as the letter of invitation promised Orange Mouse and when I got there it was Orange Mousse - I was so so upset :-)
Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.
Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.
OK Today or it seems to be
Thank goodness all appears to be OK today. No blood bits.
I again left off exercising this morning so as not to antagonise things any further.
I hope that the remainder of the day goes as well and I can not have the minor anxiety every time I go to the loo.
I again left off exercising this morning so as not to antagonise things any further.
I hope that the remainder of the day goes as well and I can not have the minor anxiety every time I go to the loo.
Thursday
Well last night was special and I am out again today. It involves a further meal and the requisite amount of alcohol for toasts etc :-)
I had a bit of a shock today as I measured my waist - I normally go by my trouser size but the tape measure must have lied as it was 4" more than my trouser size. I've got a new chart to plot body measurements and weights and it is a more accurate measurement of progress and you can the calculate BMI (Body Mass Index) and also overall fat in the body. I'm not intending to frighten myself stupid but perhaps this will enable me to focus in on key areas to work on.
It is surprising how quickly you can lose weight but to keep it off you must do it gradually. Combining weight loss with exercise and a different lifestyle are also contributing. With the new chart I'll be able to monitor more accurately what I am doing to myself and how effective it has been.
I'm fully expecting that this week will be more or less static and next week I should be able to get back onto gradually losing more weight. Also, I have just eased off with the few little blood clots/scabs appearing and it is better to take things easy than do any damage.
I had a bit of a shock today as I measured my waist - I normally go by my trouser size but the tape measure must have lied as it was 4" more than my trouser size. I've got a new chart to plot body measurements and weights and it is a more accurate measurement of progress and you can the calculate BMI (Body Mass Index) and also overall fat in the body. I'm not intending to frighten myself stupid but perhaps this will enable me to focus in on key areas to work on.
It is surprising how quickly you can lose weight but to keep it off you must do it gradually. Combining weight loss with exercise and a different lifestyle are also contributing. With the new chart I'll be able to monitor more accurately what I am doing to myself and how effective it has been.
I'm fully expecting that this week will be more or less static and next week I should be able to get back onto gradually losing more weight. Also, I have just eased off with the few little blood clots/scabs appearing and it is better to take things easy than do any damage.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Hypnotism - Mumbo Jumbo?
We were discussing earlier on this evening about the "healthy Scepticism" that we had about hypnotherapy.
Now I think that the stage shows have misled people along with the swinging pendulum nonsense as well. It isn't acting like a fool nor is it something where you are in some one's power - in fact you are in control. The participants on the stage shows "want" to be controlled and are eager participants.
I am a BIG sceptic as anyone would tell you and as this blog probably testifies. However, I do now hold with the fact that hypnotherapy has actually been really useful in making me face up to the challenges I have to face and to keep a positive attitude to them.
Quite how this works is difficult to say but I have always been terrified of even going for an appointment let alone being ill and having to have something done to me. So to take me from close to terrified to close to accepting that I have to be seen can only be a good thing. It isn't "all the way" and I doubt you could convince me to walk in and get my arm chopped off or something but, to get me in and relatively calm has got to be a good step.
So it worked for me - a real sceptic and I wouldn't recommend it unless I felt that it would actually give you an opportunity to breathe easily, rest a bit and to accept your lot and move forward.
Now I think that the stage shows have misled people along with the swinging pendulum nonsense as well. It isn't acting like a fool nor is it something where you are in some one's power - in fact you are in control. The participants on the stage shows "want" to be controlled and are eager participants.
I am a BIG sceptic as anyone would tell you and as this blog probably testifies. However, I do now hold with the fact that hypnotherapy has actually been really useful in making me face up to the challenges I have to face and to keep a positive attitude to them.
Quite how this works is difficult to say but I have always been terrified of even going for an appointment let alone being ill and having to have something done to me. So to take me from close to terrified to close to accepting that I have to be seen can only be a good thing. It isn't "all the way" and I doubt you could convince me to walk in and get my arm chopped off or something but, to get me in and relatively calm has got to be a good step.
So it worked for me - a real sceptic and I wouldn't recommend it unless I felt that it would actually give you an opportunity to breathe easily, rest a bit and to accept your lot and move forward.
What A Great Day Out
I have just been treated to the most fabulous afternoon and evening out and I'm still buzzing from the experience.
To go into one of London's Livery Halls is something special on its own. To go into Plaisterers' Hall is something else. It is the most amazing building see www.plaisterershall.com and we dined in the hall with the three large Chandeliers. It was pretty special I have to say and I am so pleased that my friend invited me.
Getting a Taxi in London when it is threatening to spit with rain was another matter but we eventually succeeded and got a cab and then a train home. Luckily my local was open on the way back so I slipped in for a crafty beer on the way home.
So a great day and I'm afraid that the only thing to marr it was that I was again passing a small amount of blood when I got home. OK, it is very small but even so, it sort of worries you even if you do know what it is.
I am still so surprised at how injured I am when I don't really feel it.
Anyway, CD, you know who you are! Thanks for a wonderful day out - I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to be even able to go out like this and thanks for inviting me.
WOW!
To go into one of London's Livery Halls is something special on its own. To go into Plaisterers' Hall is something else. It is the most amazing building see www.plaisterershall.com and we dined in the hall with the three large Chandeliers. It was pretty special I have to say and I am so pleased that my friend invited me.
Getting a Taxi in London when it is threatening to spit with rain was another matter but we eventually succeeded and got a cab and then a train home. Luckily my local was open on the way back so I slipped in for a crafty beer on the way home.
So a great day and I'm afraid that the only thing to marr it was that I was again passing a small amount of blood when I got home. OK, it is very small but even so, it sort of worries you even if you do know what it is.
I am still so surprised at how injured I am when I don't really feel it.
Anyway, CD, you know who you are! Thanks for a wonderful day out - I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to be even able to go out like this and thanks for inviting me.
WOW!
Bank Holiday Phase Shifting
That is the trouble with Bank Holidays. I keep thinking that it is Tuesday when it is in fact Wednesday and my whole week is screwed. I have a huge backlog of little things to do and it just seems to be taking me ages to get through them.
I almost certain that by brain is waiting for the appointment with the Hospital next week and the outcome of that before deciding what to do next. Perhaps it is because I have other things on my mind then that I'm not achieving all I want to do in my day. Things do get done but slowly and it tends to take hours rather than minutes to do them.
Once next week is out of the way I can plan again and I will sort out that holiday too.
I almost certain that by brain is waiting for the appointment with the Hospital next week and the outcome of that before deciding what to do next. Perhaps it is because I have other things on my mind then that I'm not achieving all I want to do in my day. Things do get done but slowly and it tends to take hours rather than minutes to do them.
Once next week is out of the way I can plan again and I will sort out that holiday too.
When now actually means next week
I'd quite forgotten how work is. I am doing some work that should have been delivered on Friday night but wasn't quite ready as there was some data missing.
Yesterday I spoke to everyone about it and it was no worries, not in until the end of the week and it can wait. That threw me a bit as I was fully expecting to have my ear bent that I hadn't delivered it. I'm still waiting for the data of course which I might get on Friday.
The fun of it all. I keep expecting people to work at my speed and throughput and that just doesn't happen.
I'm not sure quite how I am going to return to work as I am sure I am going to get the maintenance treatment and probably another 6 weeks of Immunotherapy treatment. That takes 2/5ths of a working week out for me so I could do with finding a three day a week job for 6 weeks. Perhaps I just ought to set my sights on finding Hen's teeth and rocking horse poo, they'd be an easier ask!
Yesterday I spoke to everyone about it and it was no worries, not in until the end of the week and it can wait. That threw me a bit as I was fully expecting to have my ear bent that I hadn't delivered it. I'm still waiting for the data of course which I might get on Friday.
The fun of it all. I keep expecting people to work at my speed and throughput and that just doesn't happen.
I'm not sure quite how I am going to return to work as I am sure I am going to get the maintenance treatment and probably another 6 weeks of Immunotherapy treatment. That takes 2/5ths of a working week out for me so I could do with finding a three day a week job for 6 weeks. Perhaps I just ought to set my sights on finding Hen's teeth and rocking horse poo, they'd be an easier ask!
All clear
This morning all is OK and back to normal. I decided to skip the exercises and to take it a little easy as I don't want to antagonise the situation.
I am looking forward to going out this afternoon - I have been invited to a Lodge that meets in the City of London and I don't have to do anything except sit back and enjoy myself which is always an easy thing to do of course. I am also going up to London tomorrow but this time it will be the Central/West End.
I don't think that I have been out and about so much for at least a year and so it is a bit of a treat to get out and to enjoy someone else's company.
Even without exercise the blood pressure readings are good again. I suppose there is a bit of a silver lining after all when you see that other problems I didn't know about have come to light and been tackled.
I am looking forward to going out this afternoon - I have been invited to a Lodge that meets in the City of London and I don't have to do anything except sit back and enjoy myself which is always an easy thing to do of course. I am also going up to London tomorrow but this time it will be the Central/West End.
I don't think that I have been out and about so much for at least a year and so it is a bit of a treat to get out and to enjoy someone else's company.
Even without exercise the blood pressure readings are good again. I suppose there is a bit of a silver lining after all when you see that other problems I didn't know about have come to light and been tackled.
On Off On Off
I got the tiny little blood spots every other go tonight. Luckily the last two have been clear. It is a little bit frightening when you see this despite knowing that in no way can it be a tumour and it is more likely just to be the scabs dropping off.
What it does mean though is that I just need to take it easy and not overdo it. I was only saying a day or so ago that I thought I had been pretty good about slowly building back to normal and yet today's little warning obviously says I'm not ready for that so I will drop back to medium exercise again.
One of the problems - and I've said this before - is that you can't see or really feel too much wrong with you and so you can easily overdo it. Your body just revolts against this and you get the little warnings and set backs like this.
What it does mean though is that I just need to take it easy and not overdo it. I was only saying a day or so ago that I thought I had been pretty good about slowly building back to normal and yet today's little warning obviously says I'm not ready for that so I will drop back to medium exercise again.
One of the problems - and I've said this before - is that you can't see or really feel too much wrong with you and so you can easily overdo it. Your body just revolts against this and you get the little warnings and set backs like this.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Forgive the running commentary
About my urination frequency and contents :-)
The last one was totally clear so I am guessing that all that is happening is that the biopsy and the resected area are just releasing their scabs.
Roll on the day when I can just go and have a pee and not worry about it :-) At least the post operative sharp intake of breath just as you are about to pee has gone and things are back to normal now.
The last one was totally clear so I am guessing that all that is happening is that the biopsy and the resected area are just releasing their scabs.
Roll on the day when I can just go and have a pee and not worry about it :-) At least the post operative sharp intake of breath just as you are about to pee has gone and things are back to normal now.
Carbohydrates for dummies
I need that book :-)
I just worked out what I was doing wrong on my diet. I cut out loads of things that really I shouldn't have done. The primary one was, as you probably remember, I cut back heavily on bread and just have a little homemade bread now and then - I am no great lover of rice or pasta and so didn't have those and I had potatoes but I doubt I had them every day so it appears that I inadvertently cut down too much and lowered my carbohydrates too far. hence blood glucose levels were shot to pieces.
It also appears that the way I tend to eat fruit, generally all in one burst in the late afternoon or early evening is also not to be done either! I should be spacing that out.
It appears that in my eagerness to get the salt out of my diet, start to get the weight off and ramp up my exercise regime I managed to screw up my bodies metabolism.
So - as of today, I have changed my diet to make sure that I get carbohydrates three times a day and that I spread out all the healthy things to balance those out across the day too.
No one ever said that lifestyle changes were going to be easy.
I just worked out what I was doing wrong on my diet. I cut out loads of things that really I shouldn't have done. The primary one was, as you probably remember, I cut back heavily on bread and just have a little homemade bread now and then - I am no great lover of rice or pasta and so didn't have those and I had potatoes but I doubt I had them every day so it appears that I inadvertently cut down too much and lowered my carbohydrates too far. hence blood glucose levels were shot to pieces.
It also appears that the way I tend to eat fruit, generally all in one burst in the late afternoon or early evening is also not to be done either! I should be spacing that out.
It appears that in my eagerness to get the salt out of my diet, start to get the weight off and ramp up my exercise regime I managed to screw up my bodies metabolism.
So - as of today, I have changed my diet to make sure that I get carbohydrates three times a day and that I spread out all the healthy things to balance those out across the day too.
No one ever said that lifestyle changes were going to be easy.
Oh dear bit of blood
I thought there was a bit this morning and this afternoon another small bit. It could be the scabs coming off I suppose as it looks like tiny little clots and only one at a time not a lot at a time like I've had before.
Whatever, it is quite alarming to see even these tiny amounts. It takes you right back to those early days. Mind you there is a big difference, I actually have a good idea what is going on now. Then - well - I was just in a state every time I went to the loo.
I might have overdone the exercising now that I am using a more strenuous regime and then again, the wounds do need to come off and the bladder repair itself properly. I can't imagine it is anything other than that as these things don't grow that fast at all.
Worrying just the same and I just need to keep my eye on it.
Whatever, it is quite alarming to see even these tiny amounts. It takes you right back to those early days. Mind you there is a big difference, I actually have a good idea what is going on now. Then - well - I was just in a state every time I went to the loo.
I might have overdone the exercising now that I am using a more strenuous regime and then again, the wounds do need to come off and the bladder repair itself properly. I can't imagine it is anything other than that as these things don't grow that fast at all.
Worrying just the same and I just need to keep my eye on it.
Exercise, Diet and Blood Pressure
I recorded really good blood pressure readings this morning, almost as low as those when I was on beta blockers. It hasn't just dropped to these levels it has been gradually going down over the last three weeks and today I was recording 110 over 70 which is almost the lowest I've ever had. I keep a chart of my BP readings and do morning and evening. It has been quite gratifying to see things dropping down and normalising over time. Mind you it isn't something that is particularly accurate as you can have a high reading one minute and five minutes later it can be normal. You do need to follow a set routine which I now try and do. Rushing to get it done is bound to give you raised readings.
I also had a nice surprise on the scales. I haven't put on weight but neither did I lose any either. However, I was convinced that I should have put weight on given the excesses of last week.
Unfortunately this week I have two more meals to go to and I am certain that these too will put the weight on or keep me where I am.
I also had a nice surprise on the scales. I haven't put on weight but neither did I lose any either. However, I was convinced that I should have put weight on given the excesses of last week.
Unfortunately this week I have two more meals to go to and I am certain that these too will put the weight on or keep me where I am.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Working on a Bank Holiday
I finally got all the important paperwork out of the way about 5 minutes ago.
I now need to tidy up my desk again which looks as if a mischievous Elf has ruffled the papers and put them in to all the wrong piles.
I still didn't manage to get the little bits and pieces done - you know those odd e-mails out to people that aren't really important but never get off your "to-Do" list. I need to make a concerted effort tomorrow to get a little more focused on this.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) my lunchtime appointment has been cancelled tomorrow. I was actually looking forward to getting out for a short while and so I can probably put a lot more effort into tomorrow to get things done.
I now need to tidy up my desk again which looks as if a mischievous Elf has ruffled the papers and put them in to all the wrong piles.
I still didn't manage to get the little bits and pieces done - you know those odd e-mails out to people that aren't really important but never get off your "to-Do" list. I need to make a concerted effort tomorrow to get a little more focused on this.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) my lunchtime appointment has been cancelled tomorrow. I was actually looking forward to getting out for a short while and so I can probably put a lot more effort into tomorrow to get things done.
The trouble with doing too much
I have given up a lot of things, not necessarily through having Bladder Cancer. However, like a lot of things you do, you end up running things because nobody else will or because they do it so badly.
It is difficult to walk away from some of the things that I've been instrumental in building up but I don't want to be seen as interfering and in all reality I would far rather not get involved, leaving things for the new man. Like all clubs I suppose those who actually do things end up doing them.
The trouble with doing too much is that you don't get time to yourself (I am doing admin on a bank holiday) and you don't get much time to yourself. If I had disappeared I wonder what would have happened?
It is difficult to walk away from some of the things that I've been instrumental in building up but I don't want to be seen as interfering and in all reality I would far rather not get involved, leaving things for the new man. Like all clubs I suppose those who actually do things end up doing them.
The trouble with doing too much is that you don't get time to yourself (I am doing admin on a bank holiday) and you don't get much time to yourself. If I had disappeared I wonder what would have happened?
Good News
We made £3500 on Saturday at the old people's home. That will allow us to finance the new garden furniture. They have a lovely garden area where we also hold the Easter Egg Hunt and the existing parasols are beginning to get worn out and we need decent ones as they get so much usage.
I didn't think we could make that sort of money on the day and it is easily the most we have ever made.
To think that this time last year I hadn't even heard of Bladder Cancer!
I didn't think we could make that sort of money on the day and it is easily the most we have ever made.
To think that this time last year I hadn't even heard of Bladder Cancer!
Changed the Exercise back upto the next level
I have been working my way back up to the levels of fitness I was at prior to going into hospital. It may surprise you just how much a short procedure like I had takes out of you.
It has taken me close to 3 weeks to get back to where I was. Today I upped to a 30 minutes straight routine on one of the harder programmes. I normally do 3 lots of 10 minutes on a relatively simple 3 peaks of effort in each 10 minutes. The one I did today takes you gradually upwards 3 times to three plateaus of effort.
There are a few reasons that you cannot do exercises straight away - one is that you have a number of cuts inside your bladder and they are healing, the other is that you are pretty sore from the pulling around and you feel a bit groggy from the anaesthetic. When the use a rigid cystoscope they also stretch you out internally. Your urethra - now ladies, your transit is a bit better than us lads is the way they get in to undertake the procedure. If you imagine the lads urethra goes up then bends down and back up through the prostate and then into the bladder so a sort of "S" shape. Well sticking that pipe in you straightens everything out and believe me, whilst it isn't painful particularly but it is uncomfortable and this also sort of limits your ability to climb Mount Everest or even do a little off road cycling. You can imagine that the bladder being balloon shaped means that the pipe needs to be viewed from some pretty odd angles and be twisted and pulled into place. Thank goodness you are knocked out during this procedure. You certainly don't want to start exercising before a week is up - I think that I waited for a week and a half.
Anyway, so almost three weeks after I started again I am back to where I was and ready to go on a bit further. It is surprising how much it takes out of you. I can see why I was so weak last time I had the more major procedure.
It has taken me close to 3 weeks to get back to where I was. Today I upped to a 30 minutes straight routine on one of the harder programmes. I normally do 3 lots of 10 minutes on a relatively simple 3 peaks of effort in each 10 minutes. The one I did today takes you gradually upwards 3 times to three plateaus of effort.
There are a few reasons that you cannot do exercises straight away - one is that you have a number of cuts inside your bladder and they are healing, the other is that you are pretty sore from the pulling around and you feel a bit groggy from the anaesthetic. When the use a rigid cystoscope they also stretch you out internally. Your urethra - now ladies, your transit is a bit better than us lads is the way they get in to undertake the procedure. If you imagine the lads urethra goes up then bends down and back up through the prostate and then into the bladder so a sort of "S" shape. Well sticking that pipe in you straightens everything out and believe me, whilst it isn't painful particularly but it is uncomfortable and this also sort of limits your ability to climb Mount Everest or even do a little off road cycling. You can imagine that the bladder being balloon shaped means that the pipe needs to be viewed from some pretty odd angles and be twisted and pulled into place. Thank goodness you are knocked out during this procedure. You certainly don't want to start exercising before a week is up - I think that I waited for a week and a half.
Anyway, so almost three weeks after I started again I am back to where I was and ready to go on a bit further. It is surprising how much it takes out of you. I can see why I was so weak last time I had the more major procedure.
It still amazes me that people think I am cured
Casting aside that meat can be cured of course! Yes, it is strange that the downgrade has implications like "So that is it and it is all over?" and I have to politely explain that well, it really is the next part of the journey - I've only just begun if the truth be known.
Interestingly phase 1 is over and miracle of miracles, downgrading means that they got rid of the Carcinoma in Situ in the lining of the bladder and it looks like (I'll know soon) a small tumour that perhaps was seeded last time - who knows. After the next little cycle of treatment I expect to start to get back to "normal" although I very much doubt that anything can be considered normal anymore.
The trouble with bladder cancer is that it comes back and it can come back years afterwards - it is the most costly of diseases because of that. The good news is that you get constantly monitored (it ain't nice but you do get monitored). The other good news is that they can control it and that when you get it in the format I had it in, you can cut it out, treat it and in 80% of the cases you can halt it and regress it (like they have in me).
But you don't actually get cured this soon, nor does it mean that you are at any less risk. 2/3 rds of people get a recurrence. So I also need to temper the excitement and current elation so that should I get it again it will not be a crushing disappointment. As you can imagine, to have to go through the operations again would be pretty soul destroying but if that is what needs to happen then so be it.
So now I am telling people that it isn't cure, it is downgrading, it means ongoing treatment - perhaps for up to 10 years and then, and only then, if I have been clear all that time, they may say that it is cured. Gives you something to mull over with your cornflakes & coffee in the morning that I'll be seeing a lot more of the Hospital in one way or the other, that I'll be continuing the BCG treatment regimen and that they will still be sticking little cameras into me for a good few years yet.
At least my GP doesn't need to see me for a month and by then I hope to have this blood glucose problem fixed. One of the major things I think I did was to come off the carbohydrates so suddenly and so completely. Apparently I ought to just get that balance right which I intend to do. I made the first steps with that today and will be ensuring that I get that right in the coming weeks.
Interestingly phase 1 is over and miracle of miracles, downgrading means that they got rid of the Carcinoma in Situ in the lining of the bladder and it looks like (I'll know soon) a small tumour that perhaps was seeded last time - who knows. After the next little cycle of treatment I expect to start to get back to "normal" although I very much doubt that anything can be considered normal anymore.
The trouble with bladder cancer is that it comes back and it can come back years afterwards - it is the most costly of diseases because of that. The good news is that you get constantly monitored (it ain't nice but you do get monitored). The other good news is that they can control it and that when you get it in the format I had it in, you can cut it out, treat it and in 80% of the cases you can halt it and regress it (like they have in me).
But you don't actually get cured this soon, nor does it mean that you are at any less risk. 2/3 rds of people get a recurrence. So I also need to temper the excitement and current elation so that should I get it again it will not be a crushing disappointment. As you can imagine, to have to go through the operations again would be pretty soul destroying but if that is what needs to happen then so be it.
So now I am telling people that it isn't cure, it is downgrading, it means ongoing treatment - perhaps for up to 10 years and then, and only then, if I have been clear all that time, they may say that it is cured. Gives you something to mull over with your cornflakes & coffee in the morning that I'll be seeing a lot more of the Hospital in one way or the other, that I'll be continuing the BCG treatment regimen and that they will still be sticking little cameras into me for a good few years yet.
At least my GP doesn't need to see me for a month and by then I hope to have this blood glucose problem fixed. One of the major things I think I did was to come off the carbohydrates so suddenly and so completely. Apparently I ought to just get that balance right which I intend to do. I made the first steps with that today and will be ensuring that I get that right in the coming weeks.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
A late Sunday again
Perhaps it is just me getting towards the end of the week but it was again a lie in Sunday today - I was awake but really just didn't feel like facing the world and so just lay there day dreaming. I appear to pay for it later - like now as I am wide awake.
Maybe exercising late on a Saturday night didn't help either.
Maybe exercising late on a Saturday night didn't help either.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
After two nights out this week and today's indiscretion
I should have expected the scales to tell a tale! They did, I've put a kilo on by the looks of things although the scales were hovering around a bit.
I had a four course meals on Tuesday, a three course meal on Wednesday and of course a burger and some sausages today!
As many people have said before it is easier to put weight on than take it off. Mind you I am still heavier than I was this time last year by a good 6 kilo.
I do like my GP's words though - he was saying about not living like a hermit and to vary food and to do things in moderation. I heard someone discussing a lady of 100 who reckoned that she had lived that long through moderation in all things. She had in fact decided to give up smoking when she was 95 :-) Brilliant.
I had a four course meals on Tuesday, a three course meal on Wednesday and of course a burger and some sausages today!
As many people have said before it is easier to put weight on than take it off. Mind you I am still heavier than I was this time last year by a good 6 kilo.
I do like my GP's words though - he was saying about not living like a hermit and to vary food and to do things in moderation. I heard someone discussing a lady of 100 who reckoned that she had lived that long through moderation in all things. She had in fact decided to give up smoking when she was 95 :-) Brilliant.
Saturday Night - Nothing on TV and you did what?
NO - Not what you were thinking! Or at least I don't think it was thinking what you were thinking.
No I decided to get onto the exercise machine and punch out 30 minutes worth of exercise on a slightly higher setting. That will make up for the burger I accidentally ate at the Spring Fair - oh and the Pork and Leek sausage, well when I say sausage I really ought to say sausages. Well they were going to get thrown away otherwise and so I helped out - they were tasty though.
I have part repented by overdoing the fruit this afternoon but then again, I accidentally had two pints of beer on the way home too. As you can imagine, they needed to be forced down me :-)
Who am I kidding :-)
No I decided to get onto the exercise machine and punch out 30 minutes worth of exercise on a slightly higher setting. That will make up for the burger I accidentally ate at the Spring Fair - oh and the Pork and Leek sausage, well when I say sausage I really ought to say sausages. Well they were going to get thrown away otherwise and so I helped out - they were tasty though.
I have part repented by overdoing the fruit this afternoon but then again, I accidentally had two pints of beer on the way home too. As you can imagine, they needed to be forced down me :-)
Who am I kidding :-)
It was a bit cold
I don't think I want to trust the weather man again. Said that the cloud would burn off by 10 and it would be a good day so I turned up in a tee shirt and froze as I was on car park duty! After freezing away all morning - you've guessed it, when I got home the sun came out and it has been lovely this afternoon.
I've escaped upstairs as they are watching Borat and - I'm afraid it really isn't to my taste.
It quite took my mind of everything else today which is great and it is only now that I have even thought about things. Long may that continue to happen.
I've escaped upstairs as they are watching Borat and - I'm afraid it really isn't to my taste.
It quite took my mind of everything else today which is great and it is only now that I have even thought about things. Long may that continue to happen.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Are you really a fraud because you survived?
It is a strange thing. I spoke to someone else who mentioned that he felt that his cancer was fraud as he recovered and is healthy again. I think I felt a bit "strange" about it at first - having cancer - I mean you cannot take that sort of information in easily. The first reaction is normally two sided - one - a relief at least you know what it is or what you guessed it was, you knew you were pretty ill but hadn't grasped it all and of course then you get home and you go through the "I'm going to die" bit. Now frankly that isn't nice. A little later on you begin to get used to the fact that (in my case) you have a pretty good chance of surviving this.
When I speak to most people they say I have been through a hell of a lot and I suppose, looking back at some of the stuff I've written, I probably have but you don't really have a choice in this. well you do I suppose but I chose to have the treatments. So given that the treatment isn't comfortable or by any means over yet, people wonder why I think sometimes that I'm a bit of a fraud.
I think I guessed why that is today. It is because I survived it, because you expect to get cancer and die and in reality that isn't the case (I at least know that now). However, when you see people going through far worse, or getting a terminal prognosis you kind of feel guilty. Yet, knowing people who are getting the all clear and being discharged - I am so happy for them. It is all a bit strange but then that is the disease all over. The common misconception about cancer is that it kills you - if it doesn't you feel there is something wrong with you! How stupid is that :-)
I find the logic of some of the things I think utterly bizarre - cancer makes you far more inward looking and thinking perhaps I think too much and don't let things just happen to me.
So - enough of the deep and meaningful stuff for the moment - a bank holiday weekend beckons. Tomorrow I am off to help the annual Spring Fair - I do the Car Park duty which is OK.
When I speak to most people they say I have been through a hell of a lot and I suppose, looking back at some of the stuff I've written, I probably have but you don't really have a choice in this. well you do I suppose but I chose to have the treatments. So given that the treatment isn't comfortable or by any means over yet, people wonder why I think sometimes that I'm a bit of a fraud.
I think I guessed why that is today. It is because I survived it, because you expect to get cancer and die and in reality that isn't the case (I at least know that now). However, when you see people going through far worse, or getting a terminal prognosis you kind of feel guilty. Yet, knowing people who are getting the all clear and being discharged - I am so happy for them. It is all a bit strange but then that is the disease all over. The common misconception about cancer is that it kills you - if it doesn't you feel there is something wrong with you! How stupid is that :-)
I find the logic of some of the things I think utterly bizarre - cancer makes you far more inward looking and thinking perhaps I think too much and don't let things just happen to me.
So - enough of the deep and meaningful stuff for the moment - a bank holiday weekend beckons. Tomorrow I am off to help the annual Spring Fair - I do the Car Park duty which is OK.
Oh - That's Alright Then
That's good. The Doc called and whilst the readings are high, the trend is only recent and there is no trace of these problems in the past (apparently you can tell based over some months back!). Meaning that I need to go and see him in a month - yea - I bet I'll have to have another blood test :-( however. the kidney function hasn't changed and so I'm back on the Ace Inhibitors.
The concern is still there that there is some glucose intolerance but that is going down and so at least I can be observed. It is possible it is to do with the pulling and poking around at the Hospital and I've no doubt that is so.
I would imagine that my body wonders quite what the hell I've done to it as well, it has had a complete change in diet in the past month and a half - I imagine it is traumatised and shocked! Poor old thing...
The concern is still there that there is some glucose intolerance but that is going down and so at least I can be observed. It is possible it is to do with the pulling and poking around at the Hospital and I've no doubt that is so.
I would imagine that my body wonders quite what the hell I've done to it as well, it has had a complete change in diet in the past month and a half - I imagine it is traumatised and shocked! Poor old thing...
It is all go today
This working for a living is a bit of a drag isn't it?
I suppose someone has to do it and it might as well be me!
Actually it is quietly quite exciting doing this sort of stuff again. Don't tell anyone that I like it though.....
I suppose someone has to do it and it might as well be me!
Actually it is quietly quite exciting doing this sort of stuff again. Don't tell anyone that I like it though.....
A Sad to read note this morning
I follow a fellow sufferer's blog and was extremely sad to read this blog this morning (HERE)
Whilst I am sad about that news I am very thankful that I don't have that decision to make right now. This sort of decision puts everything else in perspective.
I must also get out of the habit of apologising for surviving.
Whilst I am sad about that news I am very thankful that I don't have that decision to make right now. This sort of decision puts everything else in perspective.
I must also get out of the habit of apologising for surviving.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Doc didn't get back to me
I was expecting a phone call to get my blood pressure pills renewed (or not) but nothing so far - I will have to ring tomorrow to see what has happened - I fully expect to get called in again and to have to work on something to do with high blood glucose levels!
Oh well, I'll see what tomorrow brings. Luckily I am working from home tomorrow so can go and get a prescription or go see the doc if needed.
I had a few calls about a contract starting in a week or two and I've sent off my CV for that. My next appointment with the Hospital has been confirmed for the 15th May in the late afternoon. Again, hopefully I will then know what is going to happen there too.
Oh well, I'll see what tomorrow brings. Luckily I am working from home tomorrow so can go and get a prescription or go see the doc if needed.
I had a few calls about a contract starting in a week or two and I've sent off my CV for that. My next appointment with the Hospital has been confirmed for the 15th May in the late afternoon. Again, hopefully I will then know what is going to happen there too.
Work - a four letter word
It was OK this morning I suppose. It took a while to get together what I needed to do the job but there you go! I have all I need and am back at home working out how I am going to do it and in what order.
It is quite nice to be working again but what a horrible location to get to and from - I wouldn't want to do that every day.
It is quite nice to be working again but what a horrible location to get to and from - I wouldn't want to do that every day.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Went Really Well
I did my talk this evening and it went down really well or appeared to. That was a relief as I had to change it a little and so it was the first time that I had delivered it, in its new format.
It appears to have done the trick as there was lots of interest and a commitment to become Patron of the Association from the Lodge which is great. A lot of people also want to become life members of Patrons themselves which again all adds to the efforts.
It appears to have done the trick as there was lots of interest and a commitment to become Patron of the Association from the Lodge which is great. A lot of people also want to become life members of Patrons themselves which again all adds to the efforts.
It was a long day yesterday
I am as tired as you like today and I've got to go out again tonight and give a talk about the work I do at the Old Folk's home. Tomorrow I am actually going to be doing some work - I know it is hard to believe isn't it :-)
Might be a day or perhaps two days work. Not sure if the GP will want to see me on Friday to screw up my second paid day though - I'll find out on his return tomorrow.
Might be a day or perhaps two days work. Not sure if the GP will want to see me on Friday to screw up my second paid day though - I'll find out on his return tomorrow.
Why not leave it until the last minute?
Oh - you did. Stuff that should have been done a few weeks ago has only just arrived with me and it needs to be done? That's right - Now.
What do these people think like? Now it is with me they think that it is off their hands and they can of course blame me for it being late.
One day I think I will actually let them down and then lets see what happens.
What do these people think like? Now it is with me they think that it is off their hands and they can of course blame me for it being late.
One day I think I will actually let them down and then lets see what happens.
Selfish Git
I am a selfish git. I am sorry that this is all about ME. I cannot see anything past me, my family and me.
It isn't meant to be shocking I think it is just the truth that, all of a sudden, you cannot care for anyone else any more. You are for you and yours and that is the lot.
I give all the time, I give to anyone without any thought to race, colour or creed - it was how I was brought up and it is what I believe in.
Now though - I look on some people as bloody spongers - I don't tell them that but I watched a few "performances" today and I don't believe half of it. I'm turning into the sort of person my parents warned me about!
It isn't meant to be shocking I think it is just the truth that, all of a sudden, you cannot care for anyone else any more. You are for you and yours and that is the lot.
I give all the time, I give to anyone without any thought to race, colour or creed - it was how I was brought up and it is what I believe in.
Now though - I look on some people as bloody spongers - I don't tell them that but I watched a few "performances" today and I don't believe half of it. I'm turning into the sort of person my parents warned me about!
I Don't know!
Interesting comment received earlier. I'm in that mid point, that indecisive bit of wherever I am. I feel like Alice - literally not metaphorically - I don't actually know whether to laugh, cry, dissolve, scream or just go and be ME - quiet guy in the corner?
They don't want to see me for another 2 weeks. That screw my plans. Everything now goes back another two weeks.
Point One - They aren't screaming to see me now! Good news - low risk
Point Two - I have to wait two weeks before being told that I need to go onto maintenance which I know (I Think) already.
I'm feeling tearful about that - only that it sets everything back another two weks, I should have really known last week or this week. Now everything is delayed by two weeks and it isn't my fault.
They don't want to see me for another 2 weeks. That screw my plans. Everything now goes back another two weeks.
Point One - They aren't screaming to see me now! Good news - low risk
Point Two - I have to wait two weeks before being told that I need to go onto maintenance which I know (I Think) already.
I'm feeling tearful about that - only that it sets everything back another two weks, I should have really known last week or this week. Now everything is delayed by two weeks and it isn't my fault.
A good day with one exception
I have had a great day. I've met new people and I've carried the heaviest sword you can ever believe!
However - what is annoying to me tonight is about my Cab journey from the station. I asked him to pull over and he swerved the cab all over the place throwing me out of my seat. I wouldn't mind but all he had to do was to stop the cab slowly like all the other cab drivers normally do. No swerves, up the curb, off the curb and back again just as I was taking my seat belt off! BASTARD! Not funny. He and I will meet again one day and the fun will be on my boot.
What an absolute idiot. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Sure - I didn't expect you to drive up the curb and stop quite like that!" - No answer. £5.40 Guv. Great here is £5.50 keep the change!
I wish these arseholes would work out their problems on themselves not on their passengers - we pay their wages after all.
However - what is annoying to me tonight is about my Cab journey from the station. I asked him to pull over and he swerved the cab all over the place throwing me out of my seat. I wouldn't mind but all he had to do was to stop the cab slowly like all the other cab drivers normally do. No swerves, up the curb, off the curb and back again just as I was taking my seat belt off! BASTARD! Not funny. He and I will meet again one day and the fun will be on my boot.
What an absolute idiot. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Sure - I didn't expect you to drive up the curb and stop quite like that!" - No answer. £5.40 Guv. Great here is £5.50 keep the change!
I wish these arseholes would work out their problems on themselves not on their passengers - we pay their wages after all.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
New Day - New Way of Viewing Things
Yes, a new day and one I am out to thoroughly enjoy. The weather is brilliant not a cloud in the sky and I'll be heading off to London in about half an hour to rehearse and then meet some friends for lunch.
Everything happens from 3 pm this afternoon - then we have a few beers followed by a meal and wind our way home.
At least that will take my mind off of things for a while.
Everything happens from 3 pm this afternoon - then we have a few beers followed by a meal and wind our way home.
At least that will take my mind off of things for a while.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Mr. Angry
Yep - Mr. Angry got out and threw his toys out of the pram today - in a nice sort of way. I'm just getting frustrated that I can't get this lot behind me and move on. The trouble still is that I'm not in charge or control and so every time I think I can move forward someone comes along with their size 9s on and kicks me back down again.
I'm not giving up but it is just so annoying and frustrating trying to get out of the place I am in now. It is taking ages to get to somewhere that can be described as even ground so that I can stop, take a breather and then reassess and move on.
Tomorrow is going to be my day and lets see if they can sod that up for me - I wouldn't put it past them to try.
I'm not giving up but it is just so annoying and frustrating trying to get out of the place I am in now. It is taking ages to get to somewhere that can be described as even ground so that I can stop, take a breather and then reassess and move on.
Tomorrow is going to be my day and lets see if they can sod that up for me - I wouldn't put it past them to try.
Today I have mostly been
P1ssed off with being ill.
I know I'm lucky to have got this far in my life (almost 50 - not yet) with only minor stuff but it makes you think.
I mean, I have now been to the GPs surgery more times in the last 9 months than the whole of the previous 20 years put together! I know the place as if it were my front room and I don't want to see it every week - thank you.
I can't complain, I don't have a cancer that (now) is going to take me out before my time. I know it means I've got to be seen x times a year for (possibly) the rest of my life.
I don't want you to be sorry for me or to pour sympathy on me, that isn't what this blog or this particular post are about either.
It's just that a year ago - I was Joe Average, no problems, hadn't seen the GP in years, happily going about my day to day life, no strain on the public purse or the NHS or anything else and suddenly, I can't get well, I can't get a job, every time I get tested something else happens. I'm unemployed and who would employ someone who for the next few months cannot guarantee a solid five days work a week anyway.
It will soon be two years since I last had a holiday - you know a real one - relaxing for a couple of weeks in the sun. I have GOT to put that right as well - will the Physicians and experts leave me alone long enough to do that. Why do they call it practice?
I am having (as you may notice) one of the "Bad Days" you are bound to get. Suddenly you really just say oh hell, I really don't want to be ill, this has gone on far too long and I am SO fed up!
Of course, the logic says - hey - you are going to be downgraded, it isn't anywhere near life threatening anymore, it isn't something nasty or terminal. So you have a blood pressure issue, thousands of people never know and die early or suffer a stroke. Hey, you are pre-diabetic - it doesn't mean anything more than a big warning signal so stop your whinging and get on with it :-) Some people with diabetes never get to know until it is too late, you can do those changes you need to do, they can keep their eye on you and you won't get the side effects of that.
THERE - That told me :-)
You see there are two sides (possibly more) to this. Today is a black day, I really thought I had "done enough" to get myself into the good books and yet obviously not.
then my brain says "Can you really wash away the sins & excesses of your youth with 6 weeks exercise and good living?" Well PUNK, do you feel lucky? :-)
Can you atone for 25 years burning both ends of the candle?
Anyway, I'm sort of beginning to rationalise this out now but I have felt pretty annoyed with "things" in general this afternoon. It is so much more about keeping your head on an even keel really. As I have probably already said somewhere, I just got fed up with being ill today. It was interesting as I was told that, you look fitter than you have for years (which is true), I've lost weight, my face looks thinner, my neck too and of course my waist also tells the tale.
This post is a warts and all one. You probably cannot understand how I'd feel wretched with the good news about the cancer and yet, the whole package, no job, blood pressure, pre-diabetic, cancer, treatment, trying to secure work that will allow you to have this sort of time off, not providing for your family, insurance still not paying out after 7 months etc - you can perhaps see that any one of these can disturb the equilibrium of the day.
Again, I'm OK - I don't need anyone sympathising with me or anything like that. This is the way it is.
I know I'm lucky to have got this far in my life (almost 50 - not yet) with only minor stuff but it makes you think.
I mean, I have now been to the GPs surgery more times in the last 9 months than the whole of the previous 20 years put together! I know the place as if it were my front room and I don't want to see it every week - thank you.
I can't complain, I don't have a cancer that (now) is going to take me out before my time. I know it means I've got to be seen x times a year for (possibly) the rest of my life.
I don't want you to be sorry for me or to pour sympathy on me, that isn't what this blog or this particular post are about either.
It's just that a year ago - I was Joe Average, no problems, hadn't seen the GP in years, happily going about my day to day life, no strain on the public purse or the NHS or anything else and suddenly, I can't get well, I can't get a job, every time I get tested something else happens. I'm unemployed and who would employ someone who for the next few months cannot guarantee a solid five days work a week anyway.
It will soon be two years since I last had a holiday - you know a real one - relaxing for a couple of weeks in the sun. I have GOT to put that right as well - will the Physicians and experts leave me alone long enough to do that. Why do they call it practice?
I am having (as you may notice) one of the "Bad Days" you are bound to get. Suddenly you really just say oh hell, I really don't want to be ill, this has gone on far too long and I am SO fed up!
Of course, the logic says - hey - you are going to be downgraded, it isn't anywhere near life threatening anymore, it isn't something nasty or terminal. So you have a blood pressure issue, thousands of people never know and die early or suffer a stroke. Hey, you are pre-diabetic - it doesn't mean anything more than a big warning signal so stop your whinging and get on with it :-) Some people with diabetes never get to know until it is too late, you can do those changes you need to do, they can keep their eye on you and you won't get the side effects of that.
THERE - That told me :-)
You see there are two sides (possibly more) to this. Today is a black day, I really thought I had "done enough" to get myself into the good books and yet obviously not.
then my brain says "Can you really wash away the sins & excesses of your youth with 6 weeks exercise and good living?" Well PUNK, do you feel lucky? :-)
Can you atone for 25 years burning both ends of the candle?
Anyway, I'm sort of beginning to rationalise this out now but I have felt pretty annoyed with "things" in general this afternoon. It is so much more about keeping your head on an even keel really. As I have probably already said somewhere, I just got fed up with being ill today. It was interesting as I was told that, you look fitter than you have for years (which is true), I've lost weight, my face looks thinner, my neck too and of course my waist also tells the tale.
This post is a warts and all one. You probably cannot understand how I'd feel wretched with the good news about the cancer and yet, the whole package, no job, blood pressure, pre-diabetic, cancer, treatment, trying to secure work that will allow you to have this sort of time off, not providing for your family, insurance still not paying out after 7 months etc - you can perhaps see that any one of these can disturb the equilibrium of the day.
Again, I'm OK - I don't need anyone sympathising with me or anything like that. This is the way it is.
Blood Results
Sh1t. Doesn't look good still. Will have to see what the Doc says later in the week, it is outside of the usual levels for blood glucose tolerance. The limit for my tablets (Creatine) is reached so I guess they will keep on feeding me those.
I'm a bit disappointed with the results - they are nowhere near as bad as before but it looks like something will have to be done I suppose. I hope it isn't all the fruit I've been eating - that will be a turn up for the books.
Well at least I am not as devastated by the news this time. I shall have to call them later in the week to see what they want me to do.
Did I say I was taking charge this week - think again.
I'm a bit disappointed with the results - they are nowhere near as bad as before but it looks like something will have to be done I suppose. I hope it isn't all the fruit I've been eating - that will be a turn up for the books.
Well at least I am not as devastated by the news this time. I shall have to call them later in the week to see what they want me to do.
Did I say I was taking charge this week - think again.
Bye Bye Laptop
Oh well that is the end of it. Bye Bye Laptop, happy days banging on the keys in darkened hotel rooms trying to complete impossible targets and PowerPoint presentations, trying to get wireless connectivity and failing as no one had really subscribed to it.
I'm quite sad now that it is all over but then again, I have a lot to go for if I think about it and perhaps it is for the best to move on and forget about it.
Turns the page - tomorrow is another day - sigh!
I'm quite sad now that it is all over but then again, I have a lot to go for if I think about it and perhaps it is for the best to move on and forget about it.
Turns the page - tomorrow is another day - sigh!
Time Gentlemen Please
In a few moments that will be the last piece of my past employment severed. I'll meet up with my old colleague and he will pick up my Laptop, bag and all the accessories.
And that will be it. If ever I was destined to be in a particular job - it was that one, I'd got years of experience and have been a fan of the software for years. I knew the people, I knew what customers would be looking for and I knew what I could do to make the difference.
As they say, it is no use crying over spilt milk but I really hadn't thought of anywhere else I'd rather have been. Perhaps there will be something coming along there but I cannot hang on for it in reality. I reckon that they will have to move fast or I will go and sort out something else to do.
And that will be it. If ever I was destined to be in a particular job - it was that one, I'd got years of experience and have been a fan of the software for years. I knew the people, I knew what customers would be looking for and I knew what I could do to make the difference.
As they say, it is no use crying over spilt milk but I really hadn't thought of anywhere else I'd rather have been. Perhaps there will be something coming along there but I cannot hang on for it in reality. I reckon that they will have to move fast or I will go and sort out something else to do.
Tomorrow - Big Day for me
Last September I had the huge disappointment of having to go into Hospital and being unable to carry out my duties as a Sword Bearer. Strange eh?
Well, I was made an Active Officer of my Masonic Province last year and I carry the Sword ahead of the Provincial Grand Master on special occasions. Last September was to be my first one and the operation coincided. Tomorrow is the Provincial Grand Lodge meeting at Freemasons Hall in Great Queen Street London and I will be leading the PGM into the huge Grand Temple carrying the sword. It will be a culmination of 24 years of Masonry. You only get to do an active office like this for one year and tomorrow is a big day. Having happened to have carried this particular sword once before it is really heavy and so I'm glad that I have been "working out" these past three months or so! There are normally a thousand or more people there.
So - a big deal for me and one I am really proud about. There have been, in our Lodge three Sword Bearers as far as I know in 73 years so not a bad record. Now I just hope that I don't trip up or anything like that.
Unfortunately you don't get to carry the sword around outside. It would be fun carrying it around London? I could be doing my Highlander impersonations "There can be only one Highlander!" and you wouldn't have any problems at all getting a seat on the Underground on the way home!
I also have to wear a tail coat which is good fun. I will not be wearing that up on the train though either.
Well, I was made an Active Officer of my Masonic Province last year and I carry the Sword ahead of the Provincial Grand Master on special occasions. Last September was to be my first one and the operation coincided. Tomorrow is the Provincial Grand Lodge meeting at Freemasons Hall in Great Queen Street London and I will be leading the PGM into the huge Grand Temple carrying the sword. It will be a culmination of 24 years of Masonry. You only get to do an active office like this for one year and tomorrow is a big day. Having happened to have carried this particular sword once before it is really heavy and so I'm glad that I have been "working out" these past three months or so! There are normally a thousand or more people there.
So - a big deal for me and one I am really proud about. There have been, in our Lodge three Sword Bearers as far as I know in 73 years so not a bad record. Now I just hope that I don't trip up or anything like that.
Unfortunately you don't get to carry the sword around outside. It would be fun carrying it around London? I could be doing my Highlander impersonations "There can be only one Highlander!" and you wouldn't have any problems at all getting a seat on the Underground on the way home!
I also have to wear a tail coat which is good fun. I will not be wearing that up on the train though either.
The start of an interesting week
A lot is due to happen this week. For one, I should hear from the GP today about my Kidney function and whether I stay on these BP tablets. Next I should have an appointment to see the Consultant and find out what lies in store next. After that, I should hear about my potential diabetes or the glucose levels in my blood test. With a bit of luck I have a day or two worth of work to fit in as well and today I lose the last remnant of my previous job.
Tomorrow I am out all day up in London - I'll tell you more about that later and Wednesday evening I am out as well.
In between all of these I have to organise the meal for Wednesday evening and also to work through a pile of things that must be done by Friday and on top of that chase up a load of people who are due to get back to me. The trouble with that is that they think they are the only one who hasn't responded. They don't realise how much hassle they cause me having to ring around after them.
Tomorrow I am out all day up in London - I'll tell you more about that later and Wednesday evening I am out as well.
In between all of these I have to organise the meal for Wednesday evening and also to work through a pile of things that must be done by Friday and on top of that chase up a load of people who are due to get back to me. The trouble with that is that they think they are the only one who hasn't responded. They don't realise how much hassle they cause me having to ring around after them.
Slowly dawned on me today
That I need to wrestle away the hold that bladder cancer has had on me for the past 9 months. I think it is getting to the point where, given the right sort of news from the Consultant, I can start to take back my life and to start being in charge of my disease rather than it being in charge of me.
I've had to do everything I have been asked to, when I was asked to and it has run my life for me these past 9 months. Everything I have done has been to someone else's calling and timing and now, I feel, it is coming to the next stage. It doesn't mean I've got to be any less respectful of the disease but what I DO need to do is to get my life back and to get on and do things not using the excuse (that probably isn't the right word) that I need to take it easy, I am recovering, I don't know if I will be seen that day and so on. There comes a point in time when you just cannot continue thinking or acting like that.
That time is rapidly approaching I think. The GP I hope will have come to a decision about me, my tablets, my possible diabetic readings and the Hospital will pronounce their findings and my next batch of treatments. That I hope will be this week. I will then have a very good idea about the upcoming treatments and I can then go and plan accordingly. I hope/expect 6 BCGs again but they'll tell me about that and then I really hope that I get 6 months rest rather than 3 months before they need to do a peek and poke - if they do then I hope it is a flexible rather than a rigid cystoscopy (local rather than general anaesthetic).
There are lots of other things that need to be picked up and done and I haven't done them and that is also catching up on me too.
I've had to do everything I have been asked to, when I was asked to and it has run my life for me these past 9 months. Everything I have done has been to someone else's calling and timing and now, I feel, it is coming to the next stage. It doesn't mean I've got to be any less respectful of the disease but what I DO need to do is to get my life back and to get on and do things not using the excuse (that probably isn't the right word) that I need to take it easy, I am recovering, I don't know if I will be seen that day and so on. There comes a point in time when you just cannot continue thinking or acting like that.
That time is rapidly approaching I think. The GP I hope will have come to a decision about me, my tablets, my possible diabetic readings and the Hospital will pronounce their findings and my next batch of treatments. That I hope will be this week. I will then have a very good idea about the upcoming treatments and I can then go and plan accordingly. I hope/expect 6 BCGs again but they'll tell me about that and then I really hope that I get 6 months rest rather than 3 months before they need to do a peek and poke - if they do then I hope it is a flexible rather than a rigid cystoscopy (local rather than general anaesthetic).
There are lots of other things that need to be picked up and done and I haven't done them and that is also catching up on me too.
Paying for it now though
It is just gone midnight and I'm wide awake and there is probably something going on. I don't feel unwell or anything in fact I feel fine. I can't quite get the shift in time zone I appear to have gone through :-) Perhaps a space portal? Probably not!
It is strange - wide awake at this time of night, happy to sleep late, catching up or just something unexplained.
Later today (as it now is) my old work colleague is coming around to see me and we will have a beer and a chat and then he will take away my laptop and all the bits that came with it. It will be sad to see it go but perhaps another thing I can draw a line under and move on?
It is strange - wide awake at this time of night, happy to sleep late, catching up or just something unexplained.
Later today (as it now is) my old work colleague is coming around to see me and we will have a beer and a chat and then he will take away my laptop and all the bits that came with it. It will be sad to see it go but perhaps another thing I can draw a line under and move on?
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sleeping
Which I can presently do for England - either it is something to do with the healing process or I'm just a lazy so and so.
It is 11:30 and I got an early night and so a good 11/12 hours sleep plus a bit of lying in time. It is strange that I could do that sort of thing occasionally but now I could happily do it every day.
It is strange I have to say, I'd prefer to be up and doing something.
It is 11:30 and I got an early night and so a good 11/12 hours sleep plus a bit of lying in time. It is strange that I could do that sort of thing occasionally but now I could happily do it every day.
It is strange I have to say, I'd prefer to be up and doing something.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Time for a barbecue
At least it gets everyone together these days. Daughter 2 seems to spend a lot of time contemplating the inside of her room these days. Daughter 1 has grown out of that. In fact she went out driving with her mum today. You don't want to know how much the insurance costs for a learner driver these days.
We have made a deal that I don't get involved in this sort of driving experience thing. I'd be screaming "Watch out for that car", "Careful of that pedestrian" and my daughter would probably be saying "We haven't actually got off the drive yet Dad!"
So we have insured the little car. Mine stays where it is and is driven by me!
We have made a deal that I don't get involved in this sort of driving experience thing. I'd be screaming "Watch out for that car", "Careful of that pedestrian" and my daughter would probably be saying "We haven't actually got off the drive yet Dad!"
So we have insured the little car. Mine stays where it is and is driven by me!
Did the Earth move for you?
It did for us apparently this morning. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6602677.stm
Mind you we are a fair few miles away from the epicentre and at that time in the morning it could easily have been passed off as wind :-)
Mind you we are a fair few miles away from the epicentre and at that time in the morning it could easily have been passed off as wind :-)
Friday, April 27, 2007
Despatched in Mentions
Well kind of.
Young Suze had her procedure this week. She is a brave lass as this blog will testify http://cancercomicstrip.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-wont-hurt-honest-arrggghh.html I have to say that I am not particularly able to take an epidural for this sort of procedure being a little sensitive.
Suze has linked to one of the funnier moments of one of my visits here http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html
Have a read of more of Suze's anecdotes - there can be a funnier side - it just take you a few weeks after the events to realise it sometimes!
Young Suze had her procedure this week. She is a brave lass as this blog will testify http://cancercomicstrip.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-wont-hurt-honest-arrggghh.html I have to say that I am not particularly able to take an epidural for this sort of procedure being a little sensitive.
Suze has linked to one of the funnier moments of one of my visits here http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html
Have a read of more of Suze's anecdotes - there can be a funnier side - it just take you a few weeks after the events to realise it sometimes!
A Few Pints Later
And I am feeling back to my old self again. The Sun has come out and it is quite warm - time to go and sit in the garden and chill out for the rest of the day.
Blood Taking by Professionals
It must be me but these guys are great at the Hospital. I hardly had a bruise last time and this time I hardly felt anything at all. I suppose that if you do this for a living (a strange job if you think about what you would be doing every day) then you'd be good at it.
I've had some good and bad experiences with this in the past and yet so far, both times have been good. I have to say I don't fancy making a habit of this though.
I've had some good and bad experiences with this in the past and yet so far, both times have been good. I have to say I don't fancy making a habit of this though.
The BEST Bacon Sandwich - EVER
MMmm!
Well that worked I got seen inside 25 minutes, nice lad and was surprised I'd starved as long as I had but I did say to him about the wait last time and the fear of getting trampled to death by the geriatric sprint to the seats. He told me that they actually start picking numbers up at 7:30! I got there at about 10:45 and was seen by 11:10 - I think I was actually walking out at that time.
I went past the Cafe but it was packed there was only a seat outside on the pavement which I didn't really fancy. So I then walked past the pub - I know - good temptation control for me and then got home.
I have just had a double bacon sandwich with white bread and HP Sauce. I realised that I haven't had a Bacon Sandwich for more than a year!! It was absolutely brilliant - ahhhhhhhh.
Also today my Bladder Cancer Awareness wrist bands arrived from the USA. you can get them at www.bcan.org or I have a small supply if you want one. They are a rather fetching dayglo orange colour.
Well that worked I got seen inside 25 minutes, nice lad and was surprised I'd starved as long as I had but I did say to him about the wait last time and the fear of getting trampled to death by the geriatric sprint to the seats. He told me that they actually start picking numbers up at 7:30! I got there at about 10:45 and was seen by 11:10 - I think I was actually walking out at that time.
I went past the Cafe but it was packed there was only a seat outside on the pavement which I didn't really fancy. So I then walked past the pub - I know - good temptation control for me and then got home.
I have just had a double bacon sandwich with white bread and HP Sauce. I realised that I haven't had a Bacon Sandwich for more than a year!! It was absolutely brilliant - ahhhhhhhh.
Also today my Bladder Cancer Awareness wrist bands arrived from the USA. you can get them at www.bcan.org or I have a small supply if you want one. They are a rather fetching dayglo orange colour.
So far so good
I'm just getting ready to go to the Hospital and just doing some final messing about and then I'll go and see if my cunning plan has worked. I'm not hopeful but you never know.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Here we go again then! This time drink something dummy!
I have made sure that my liquid intake today has been up as the results showed I was dehydrated. I hadn't quite got it right and thought I was allowed sips of water not to drink as I wanted to. I suppose I am so used to the procedures where with BCG you don't drink for 2 or 4 hours before (I forget which now) and of course on the operations - whilst you can have sips of water I tend not to.
This time I will get that right. I've eaten well today and ensured that I have had plenty of variety, I've not touched alcohol since Tuesday and so I am hoping that my results actually show some blood in my alcohol stream this time.
All this blood letting - if he mentions leeches next week I'm running for the hills :-)
And so to bed!
This time I will get that right. I've eaten well today and ensured that I have had plenty of variety, I've not touched alcohol since Tuesday and so I am hoping that my results actually show some blood in my alcohol stream this time.
All this blood letting - if he mentions leeches next week I'm running for the hills :-)
And so to bed!
Time is almost up
I have to go on to the fasting regime in less than an hour. I shall mark that with a drink of some sort (not alcoholic unfortuantely). Then it will be water only until 11 or so tomorrow. As I will have to walk back past the cafe and the pub I could be tempted to eat, drink and be merry on the way home!
Next Blood Test
I look forward to these as some people look forward to having a limb amputated without anaesthetic.
Tomorrow I intend to get up a little later, do my exercises and then to have a slow wander up to the Hospital to get there about 11 or just after. I am hoping that the crush of people having their fasting blood test (which this one is) will have died down and that I can get my test done a little quicker than last time. We live in hope.
As I haven't been eating sugar sandwiches (all the rage when I was a kid) and I haven't been drinking alcohol or anything else silly, I hope that the results will be back in the normal level and I can move on from this. I certainly do not want to be doing this every week.
I go back to one of my earlier posts about whether or not people realise that with all this time off and testing and prodding and poking that somewhere in the time left I need to find a job and to actually do some work. I have some work next week but I have a feeling that it is going to get disrupted through appointments and the like.
Tomorrow I intend to get up a little later, do my exercises and then to have a slow wander up to the Hospital to get there about 11 or just after. I am hoping that the crush of people having their fasting blood test (which this one is) will have died down and that I can get my test done a little quicker than last time. We live in hope.
As I haven't been eating sugar sandwiches (all the rage when I was a kid) and I haven't been drinking alcohol or anything else silly, I hope that the results will be back in the normal level and I can move on from this. I certainly do not want to be doing this every week.
I go back to one of my earlier posts about whether or not people realise that with all this time off and testing and prodding and poking that somewhere in the time left I need to find a job and to actually do some work. I have some work next week but I have a feeling that it is going to get disrupted through appointments and the like.
All OK this morning
Apart from the Internet being down - I can get to this site but I cannot get to most of my main web sites and I have no e-mail either.
I will have to wait for it to come back I suppose. Certainly I've not had the lightheadedness of yesterday. That was peculiar but I'm sure it is just settling into these tablets and also other factors like when I take them, whether I have eaten or not before and so on.
I will have to wait for it to come back I suppose. Certainly I've not had the lightheadedness of yesterday. That was peculiar but I'm sure it is just settling into these tablets and also other factors like when I take them, whether I have eaten or not before and so on.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Suddenly this lot popped out
I was doodling around and started to jot this lot down. I hope that it makes sense.
My Bladder Cancer Journey
My Bladder Cancer Journey
Has only just begun
Yet like a West End blockbuster
It’s set to run and run.
My Symptoms, like many others
Start disturbingly, passing blood
In between the waves of panic
The stress hit me like a flood.
My GP reviewed the evidence
My guess is that he knew
An urgent request to refer me
Gave an appointment and review.
A Local procedure frightened me
A device that checks you bladder
Inserted where you can’t believe
Diagnosed cancer that made me sadder.
I think I knew that all along
The Consultant then told me so
You have a bladder tumour
It must be operated, removed and go.
What do I tell my children?
What do I tell my wife?
I have a dangerous illness
It may well cost me my life.
Within days I was in Hospital
So scared and so afraid
The worst was almost over
My family and friends all prayed.
How poorly I felt and helpless too
I lay wounded, wasted, tired, upset
As the scars healed within me
I researched and searched the Net.
The day came when half healed
After starving and laxatives left me weak
An IVU X-Ray procedure
Made me stressed and made me weep.
I’d never felt so wretched
So unloved, alone and bled
I’d have taken up any offer
I knew I didn’t want to end up dead.
Results of biopsies and X-rays
Consultations and knowledge provided
Another operation required
To check out what they'd decided.
Waking from this operation number 2
Something wasn’t right I knew
Spasms and pain racked my body
To keep my senses was all I could do.
Results this time were much better
Reviewed and checked and defined
BCG Treatment directly instilled
It sure played a lot on my mind.
Six instillation, rough times heading
It was meant to be so, of course
Renewing the bladder’s lining
Then limiting the cancer at its source.
The waiting is so stressful
Has the treatment worked or perhaps not?
These delays they are upsetting
A letter arrives and your stomach contracts in a knot.
In quiet moments I cried
Too proud to let you see
The trauma and the pain
That racked my mind and my body
My bladder cancer journey
Has only just begun
Now I’m past the first few stages
I'm sure I can overcome.
This poem, the first of many
I hope will put into rhyme
That hope it springs eternal
It happens all the time.
Calling on unforeseen depths
Your body can depend
A positive mental attitude
Will help you in the end.
Keep faith and love and rely upon
The help you get from others
If you are in a similar state
We all are sisters and brothers.
Your consultant and your nurses
Are there to set you right
And once that you recover
You sleep well again at night.
Somewhere, someone else is suffering
And I’d like to let you know
Yes – It’s personal and it's frightening
But you’ve got to reap what you sow.
My poems almost ended
I hope that you’ll discover
Cancer is mainly treatable
And chances are that you’ll recover.
Keep your spirits high
As high as you possibly can do
Lean on family and friends
And see the whole thing through.
I wish you well
I hope that you will find that it is so
That on your own journey
Your travels will help you grow.
My Bladder Cancer Journey
My Bladder Cancer Journey
Has only just begun
Yet like a West End blockbuster
It’s set to run and run.
My Symptoms, like many others
Start disturbingly, passing blood
In between the waves of panic
The stress hit me like a flood.
My GP reviewed the evidence
My guess is that he knew
An urgent request to refer me
Gave an appointment and review.
A Local procedure frightened me
A device that checks you bladder
Inserted where you can’t believe
Diagnosed cancer that made me sadder.
I think I knew that all along
The Consultant then told me so
You have a bladder tumour
It must be operated, removed and go.
What do I tell my children?
What do I tell my wife?
I have a dangerous illness
It may well cost me my life.
Within days I was in Hospital
So scared and so afraid
The worst was almost over
My family and friends all prayed.
How poorly I felt and helpless too
I lay wounded, wasted, tired, upset
As the scars healed within me
I researched and searched the Net.
The day came when half healed
After starving and laxatives left me weak
An IVU X-Ray procedure
Made me stressed and made me weep.
I’d never felt so wretched
So unloved, alone and bled
I’d have taken up any offer
I knew I didn’t want to end up dead.
Results of biopsies and X-rays
Consultations and knowledge provided
Another operation required
To check out what they'd decided.
Waking from this operation number 2
Something wasn’t right I knew
Spasms and pain racked my body
To keep my senses was all I could do.
Results this time were much better
Reviewed and checked and defined
BCG Treatment directly instilled
It sure played a lot on my mind.
Six instillation, rough times heading
It was meant to be so, of course
Renewing the bladder’s lining
Then limiting the cancer at its source.
The waiting is so stressful
Has the treatment worked or perhaps not?
These delays they are upsetting
A letter arrives and your stomach contracts in a knot.
In quiet moments I cried
Too proud to let you see
The trauma and the pain
That racked my mind and my body
My bladder cancer journey
Has only just begun
Now I’m past the first few stages
I'm sure I can overcome.
This poem, the first of many
I hope will put into rhyme
That hope it springs eternal
It happens all the time.
Calling on unforeseen depths
Your body can depend
A positive mental attitude
Will help you in the end.
Keep faith and love and rely upon
The help you get from others
If you are in a similar state
We all are sisters and brothers.
Your consultant and your nurses
Are there to set you right
And once that you recover
You sleep well again at night.
Somewhere, someone else is suffering
And I’d like to let you know
Yes – It’s personal and it's frightening
But you’ve got to reap what you sow.
My poems almost ended
I hope that you’ll discover
Cancer is mainly treatable
And chances are that you’ll recover.
Keep your spirits high
As high as you possibly can do
Lean on family and friends
And see the whole thing through.
I wish you well
I hope that you will find that it is so
That on your own journey
Your travels will help you grow.
That was a bit strange
I'm still feeling light headed I checked my BP and it is normal and not particularly low. I'll have to have a chat with the Doc when I see him next week. Anyway, I had an hour lying down and I'm certainly feeling a bit better.
Light Headed
I think that the tablets and exercise and the drop in my blood pressure is making me light headed. I've noticed it today quite a lot. I'm just being sensible and taking it easy - suddenly getting up from a chair and so on are to be discouraged.
Now it could be a much simpler reason than this - I had my hair cut yesterday so perhaps it is that? :-)
Now it could be a much simpler reason than this - I had my hair cut yesterday so perhaps it is that? :-)
Back to previous levels
On my exercise regime I am now back to 4 1/2 miles a day and that seems to be just about right. You should be slightly out of breath and sweating moderately. I've never fancied being one of those people that looks like they are about to expire after having been exercising.
I worked at a place once where there was a lunchtime running club and everyone looked absolutely knackered by the time they came back. It can't be good for you :-)
I also realise that I am doing this exercise in the morning and that is OK but at some point in time I may need to think about switching when I can do this so that I can fit some work into my exercise schedule!
I worked at a place once where there was a lunchtime running club and everyone looked absolutely knackered by the time they came back. It can't be good for you :-)
I also realise that I am doing this exercise in the morning and that is OK but at some point in time I may need to think about switching when I can do this so that I can fit some work into my exercise schedule!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A great evening and now it is time
To go on the wagon (lay off alcohol). If the posts get intelligent, meaningful and useful you will obviously realise that the removal of alcohol has in fact worked.
On Friday I expect them to be able to find some blood in my alcohol stream!
Wish me luck :-)
On Friday I expect them to be able to find some blood in my alcohol stream!
Wish me luck :-)
Where is my appointment
It has been two weeks tomorrow since I had the cysto and I've not had the letter to come back and have my out patients appointment.
I'm not too worried about that as up to a point they did say what they had seen and what they expected to happen. If I haven't got anything by tomorrow I'll drop them a line. As I'm looking at notable dates this time last week my contract ended and this time next week I will be up in London to undertake a task I never thought I'd make. Now that will be a massive milestone in my recovery as it will mean a lot to achieve something I've always wanted to do. Nine months ago I wasn't certain that I would be around and if I was I'd be in any shape for it either and so to me it is one of those things I'd put in my head as achievements and goals or milestones. Once that is out of the way, a crucial and new era awaits.
I think I had better go set some more goals and milestones - these will be things that I really ought to do now that I am on the mend. I also realise that I haven't listed those down perhaps now is the time to do that?
I'm not too worried about that as up to a point they did say what they had seen and what they expected to happen. If I haven't got anything by tomorrow I'll drop them a line. As I'm looking at notable dates this time last week my contract ended and this time next week I will be up in London to undertake a task I never thought I'd make. Now that will be a massive milestone in my recovery as it will mean a lot to achieve something I've always wanted to do. Nine months ago I wasn't certain that I would be around and if I was I'd be in any shape for it either and so to me it is one of those things I'd put in my head as achievements and goals or milestones. Once that is out of the way, a crucial and new era awaits.
I think I had better go set some more goals and milestones - these will be things that I really ought to do now that I am on the mend. I also realise that I haven't listed those down perhaps now is the time to do that?
Do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?
No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
I just had this vision of that laser cutting towards James Bond and thought that the parallels to having a flexible cystoscopy are too close to call. I mean you know which bit is going to get zapped first right? James Bond is tied to the table, you are not, he still has his trousers on - and you - oh well - that is too much detail for this paragraph!
I wonder if I should say that to my Urologist as they approach with all the equipment. Do you expect me to talk???
No, we expect you to lie perfectly still and take it like a man :-)
I was wondering whether to question the nurses about why they would possibly want to do this job? What motivates them exactly? Could it be revenge :-) If I can think that clearly next time I have one I might ask it but frankly, I'd be in no positions whatsoever to defend myself.
I just had this vision of that laser cutting towards James Bond and thought that the parallels to having a flexible cystoscopy are too close to call. I mean you know which bit is going to get zapped first right? James Bond is tied to the table, you are not, he still has his trousers on - and you - oh well - that is too much detail for this paragraph!
I wonder if I should say that to my Urologist as they approach with all the equipment. Do you expect me to talk???
No, we expect you to lie perfectly still and take it like a man :-)
I was wondering whether to question the nurses about why they would possibly want to do this job? What motivates them exactly? Could it be revenge :-) If I can think that clearly next time I have one I might ask it but frankly, I'd be in no positions whatsoever to defend myself.
Night Out
Lad's night out tonight - the old school friends and we each have to bring 3 jokes along - we ran out of them last time :-)
I have written mine down plus a few extras! After tonight I am on the wagon, especially following the blood test results last week and the wobble that gave me. I will also be on best behaviour and make sure I complete all my exercises and eat properly too.
So, tonight should be fun, organising our 50th birthday party (2 of us are joining together for that) and reminiscing about how it was in the old days! I think it is brilliant that we have known each other for 40 years. Two of them have grown up together so almost 50 years for them.
The recent travails have made these friends very precious (Oops I sound like Gollum there for a moment). Perhaps very special to me or is that just as bad? All those years of growing up, getting married, having kids, holidays together and all sorts of scrapes and incidents along the way. Perhaps even better is that we have remained in contact with more friends from school and so there are probably 15 or 20 that we could still get in touch with.
I have written mine down plus a few extras! After tonight I am on the wagon, especially following the blood test results last week and the wobble that gave me. I will also be on best behaviour and make sure I complete all my exercises and eat properly too.
So, tonight should be fun, organising our 50th birthday party (2 of us are joining together for that) and reminiscing about how it was in the old days! I think it is brilliant that we have known each other for 40 years. Two of them have grown up together so almost 50 years for them.
The recent travails have made these friends very precious (Oops I sound like Gollum there for a moment). Perhaps very special to me or is that just as bad? All those years of growing up, getting married, having kids, holidays together and all sorts of scrapes and incidents along the way. Perhaps even better is that we have remained in contact with more friends from school and so there are probably 15 or 20 that we could still get in touch with.
That's Interesting
Someone wants me to interview for a job based here in the South of England - that will be good.
I'm just ploughing through the details now and it is an interesting proposition. That's cheered me up a bit. Not sure of the full picture and timescales yet but if the first stuff I have read is anything to go by - it could be an interesting ride.
I'm just ploughing through the details now and it is an interesting proposition. That's cheered me up a bit. Not sure of the full picture and timescales yet but if the first stuff I have read is anything to go by - it could be an interesting ride.
Acting as if you are ill
I find it difficult to act normally anymore. There is always something I need to have done to allow me to plan out something or decide where to go.
Trying to commit to things is difficult and I do end up not doing things just in case something happens. I suppose I don't like to let people down and so not committing means that I don't have to last minute someone. I don't like having that done to me.
There is the other thing too, at the moment I don't like the idea of missing or rearranging any appointments to suit myself. If my consultant wants to see me next Wednesday then I'll be there. I haven't missed an appointment yet and I suppose if it clashed with something I could call and rearrange it. Things now aren't so serious (well they are but are not time critical). Again, I know that I'm due 3 or 6 BCGs whatever happens. One way or the other that is two days a week out for 3 or 6 weeks and when will they start and finish. Later this week, another blood test, results next week, a phone call and perhaps (almost certainly) a visit to pick up a new prescription and so on.
If I write off the next two months I should then be clear for 6 months and have no reason to worry about any of these things, any disruption to work (when I find some) and any possibility of getting caught out and having to spend stacks of time off work.
Of course in 2 months time it will be holiday season - I can't win :-)
Trying to commit to things is difficult and I do end up not doing things just in case something happens. I suppose I don't like to let people down and so not committing means that I don't have to last minute someone. I don't like having that done to me.
There is the other thing too, at the moment I don't like the idea of missing or rearranging any appointments to suit myself. If my consultant wants to see me next Wednesday then I'll be there. I haven't missed an appointment yet and I suppose if it clashed with something I could call and rearrange it. Things now aren't so serious (well they are but are not time critical). Again, I know that I'm due 3 or 6 BCGs whatever happens. One way or the other that is two days a week out for 3 or 6 weeks and when will they start and finish. Later this week, another blood test, results next week, a phone call and perhaps (almost certainly) a visit to pick up a new prescription and so on.
If I write off the next two months I should then be clear for 6 months and have no reason to worry about any of these things, any disruption to work (when I find some) and any possibility of getting caught out and having to spend stacks of time off work.
Of course in 2 months time it will be holiday season - I can't win :-)
Comments opened up
I hadn't realised that I had suppressed some comments by using Google account holders only so - sorry!
You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.
Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.
Cheers!
You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.
Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.
Cheers!
Settled back down thank goodness
How peculiar that was yesterday - I was almost hyperactive last night. Today I am going to just take things easy and at a slow pace. I have loads of things to do and loose ends to tie up, I need to get some serious reorganisation done as the old company laptop has left a space on my desk that is getting filled up with bits of paperwork.
I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Gone into manic mode tonight
I don't know why or what triggered this but I have gone into absolute overdrive and it is now almost 1 in the morning and I haven't been able to stop or slow down on anything. I reckon I could run for about 48 hours non stop I am that lively - even now. This happens occasionally but normally I am working on some project or other - today this kicked in and I could easily run for hours, spend 24 hours at the PC (if I had something to actually do) or some other similar activity.
I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.
I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.
Monday, April 23, 2007
I am stunned
By my blood pressure readings tonight. I've come off the beta blockers and I'm just on the ace inhibitors (although we are checking those out with the next set of blood tests).
My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.
No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.
My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.
No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.
Can Cancer be Funny?
It is a taboo and you don't hear too many jokes about it. Sometimes, you need to have a laugh though and this blog (link below) intends to provide some lighter moments. Patient, carers and family and friends all need to ease the tension and humour is one of the best ways.
Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.
Click HERE
Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.
Click HERE
Now that is pleasing
I managed to knock another 1/2 kilo off my weight last week despite that breakfast and a bit of a booze session on the Tuesday and Thursday.
This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.
This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.
Exercising picks up
I didn't do any yesterday but went back to it this morning. I did 4 miles and burnt about 150Cals so happy with that. Not quite up to my full speed and distances yet but I have to be pleased that I got to 30 minutes again so quickly. I feel quite fit despite having been pulled about and I think waiting a little while longer than I wanted at least didn't give me a chance to hurt myself.
Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)
Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)
Hardly
Up with the Lark - not, after a late night I'm up and ready to face this week. What will that hold? Who knows? I have some stuff that I must get on with and yet I just cannot seem to get the enthusiasm for doing them. Perhaps they might distract me enough this week if I just get on and do them?
My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.
My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.
Relief
It is 1:45 am and my daughter has just got back from her first London concert. Mum has just picked her up from the station.
Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.
And so - to bed.
Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.
And so - to bed.
I'm still somewhat concerned about the results though
I mean a high blood glucose level can I suppose be a one off? Considering I had been out on the booze on the Tuesday before the tests I Suppose that is a possibility. However, That was probably me clutching at straws and not looking the reality of this in the face.
The real issue is that I don't have any of the other symptoms and I'm already on a pretty healthy diet (apart from the odd occasional breakfast of course). Am I glad I didn't accept the St. George's Day bash tomorrow. That can get truly out of hand on the food and booze side.
I am concerned though as to what they will find. I also hope to hear when my Out Patent's appointment is for the results of my operation. I bet it will be on the only day I have anything planned in the next few weeks.
Last year I missed a very special day when I went in for operation No.2 I do not intend to miss a very special day this year as it would be for me a once in a life time opportunity. For that, I can miss a day or two if it comes to it.
It is surprising that all these things are as a result of being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I'm guessing that I'd not have done anything about my blood pressure until perhaps that was too late and if I am pre-diabetic or perhaps am diabetic that would probably have shown itself with the symptoms when they got difficult to control. I also wonder, if it is diabetes, it could be like a friend of mine who had a heart attack and then they also found he was a Type 1 diabetic. I think that came about as a result of, not a precursor to his attack!
The real issue is that I don't have any of the other symptoms and I'm already on a pretty healthy diet (apart from the odd occasional breakfast of course). Am I glad I didn't accept the St. George's Day bash tomorrow. That can get truly out of hand on the food and booze side.
I am concerned though as to what they will find. I also hope to hear when my Out Patent's appointment is for the results of my operation. I bet it will be on the only day I have anything planned in the next few weeks.
Last year I missed a very special day when I went in for operation No.2 I do not intend to miss a very special day this year as it would be for me a once in a life time opportunity. For that, I can miss a day or two if it comes to it.
It is surprising that all these things are as a result of being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I'm guessing that I'd not have done anything about my blood pressure until perhaps that was too late and if I am pre-diabetic or perhaps am diabetic that would probably have shown itself with the symptoms when they got difficult to control. I also wonder, if it is diabetes, it could be like a friend of mine who had a heart attack and then they also found he was a Type 1 diabetic. I think that came about as a result of, not a precursor to his attack!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Men are more likely to get Bladder Cancer - Why Explained
HERE
It appears that "A molecular receptor or protein that is much more active in men than women plays a role in the development of the disease".
The one less thing there is to worry about being a woman though is you ought to thank God that you don't have a Prostate - I suppose we blokes ought to thank God for that too really :-)
Having things continually driven past it is something that I wouldn't miss.
It appears that "A molecular receptor or protein that is much more active in men than women plays a role in the development of the disease".
The one less thing there is to worry about being a woman though is you ought to thank God that you don't have a Prostate - I suppose we blokes ought to thank God for that too really :-)
Having things continually driven past it is something that I wouldn't miss.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Mind You What else is wrong and do you really want to know
I think I'd rather not know and then again? It is difficult isn't it. Would you rather know you had something nasty or rather you didn't know so you could go happily on, not knowing?
Having Cancer is bad enough and high blood pressure was OK once I'd got over the denial bit. Being diabetic would really p1ss me off - no really it would. I've made massive changes to my life style (perhaps - and we can argue this out later - a bit too late in life to make a difference) but even so, I am so much fitter than a year ago although I'm probably 20Kg more than I was then - I am no where as near as fit as when I was 20 but then I was really at my peak and had an active job - but my goodness when I look back at the life style of the 70s. We smoked and drank and hardly slept and I worked long hours on site ate huge grease out breakfasts regularly at work. Crikey :-) So I should be surprised I even made it this far knowing what we know now.
SO if they found some more stuff in these tests would I really want to know? I'm going to say yes but I am also going to say that I would need to be told face to face as just getting that sort of half data over the phone did not do me any good at all.
If it was diabetes and it was pre-diabetes then it is clear that if I know about it - I can manage it properly and ensure that I do all the right things for that. Another side of me says that, I feel well now and I'm happy doing what I do, living the life I live and that if I didn't know, what would be the worst thing that could happen. Then I realise that it could be blindness, loss of limbs and think that I'll go back to that I want to know.
Last year I was a firm believer in "let it happen" now I'm not so sure that really is the right way to do it.
Having Cancer is bad enough and high blood pressure was OK once I'd got over the denial bit. Being diabetic would really p1ss me off - no really it would. I've made massive changes to my life style (perhaps - and we can argue this out later - a bit too late in life to make a difference) but even so, I am so much fitter than a year ago although I'm probably 20Kg more than I was then - I am no where as near as fit as when I was 20 but then I was really at my peak and had an active job - but my goodness when I look back at the life style of the 70s. We smoked and drank and hardly slept and I worked long hours on site ate huge grease out breakfasts regularly at work. Crikey :-) So I should be surprised I even made it this far knowing what we know now.
SO if they found some more stuff in these tests would I really want to know? I'm going to say yes but I am also going to say that I would need to be told face to face as just getting that sort of half data over the phone did not do me any good at all.
If it was diabetes and it was pre-diabetes then it is clear that if I know about it - I can manage it properly and ensure that I do all the right things for that. Another side of me says that, I feel well now and I'm happy doing what I do, living the life I live and that if I didn't know, what would be the worst thing that could happen. Then I realise that it could be blindness, loss of limbs and think that I'll go back to that I want to know.
Last year I was a firm believer in "let it happen" now I'm not so sure that really is the right way to do it.
SLAP - back to where you were
Was how it felt yesterday. Just like someone had walked up and without any warning hit me right across the face, a real stinging one too.
The strangest thing of all is that I knew I was ill with the bladder cancer and I'd got a feeling that I wasn't right and that over the years I had been struggling against an invisible force (which could be how quickly my daughters can reach the monthly credit limit on my Visa card!). But, I digress.
I knew that my blood pressure was pre-hypertensive and that I had White Coat Syndrome. I know I have a fear of needles of all sorts and I particularly dislike blood tests although the last few have been tolerable and bearable for me - just.
So what am I rattling on about now. Well, some of these things they can find wrong with you - well you just wouldn't know until the full symptoms came about. Like diabetes, I don't have any of the common symptoms and yet they can tell that there is something not quite right and can do something about it (or rather I can). I often wonder if we had set out many years ago to make the NHS a preventative service rather than a reactive service, quite how many diseases could have been halted and how many major procedures could have been saved and how little time you would need to be in care if you'd have "changed the oil" 100,000 miles ago or whatever?
Prevention is better than cure so they say. Perhaps in the future, they will be able to do that. I suppose if they'd cured us all before we would have had anything you'd never know how to treat things, do the surgery or realise what the early stages were either. Perhaps another of those Catch 22 moments.
The strangest thing of all is that I knew I was ill with the bladder cancer and I'd got a feeling that I wasn't right and that over the years I had been struggling against an invisible force (which could be how quickly my daughters can reach the monthly credit limit on my Visa card!). But, I digress.
I knew that my blood pressure was pre-hypertensive and that I had White Coat Syndrome. I know I have a fear of needles of all sorts and I particularly dislike blood tests although the last few have been tolerable and bearable for me - just.
So what am I rattling on about now. Well, some of these things they can find wrong with you - well you just wouldn't know until the full symptoms came about. Like diabetes, I don't have any of the common symptoms and yet they can tell that there is something not quite right and can do something about it (or rather I can). I often wonder if we had set out many years ago to make the NHS a preventative service rather than a reactive service, quite how many diseases could have been halted and how many major procedures could have been saved and how little time you would need to be in care if you'd have "changed the oil" 100,000 miles ago or whatever?
Prevention is better than cure so they say. Perhaps in the future, they will be able to do that. I suppose if they'd cured us all before we would have had anything you'd never know how to treat things, do the surgery or realise what the early stages were either. Perhaps another of those Catch 22 moments.
I feel a lot better today
It wasn't to difficult to do that of course after the events of Friday 20th. I've spent this morning running up some soups to freeze for next week. I make a pretty handy Watercress and Spinach soup and I tried a Mushroom one this morning too which has gone down well with the troops.
They are all batched up ready to go. Soup makes you feel full up and slowly releases - making your own means that there is no salt in it and you know all the ingredients are fresh too.
I now need to sort something out to occupy me this afternoon. It is a lovely day, perhaps something in the garden.
They are all batched up ready to go. Soup makes you feel full up and slowly releases - making your own means that there is no salt in it and you know all the ingredients are fresh too.
I now need to sort something out to occupy me this afternoon. It is a lovely day, perhaps something in the garden.
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