CT Scan

"Hello, I've been told to call you to book a CT scan."  "Ermm, do you have a form?"  "Why yes I do." "Well, we are meant to have the form" "I see"


So I have decided that the very best thing I can do is actually go to the Radiology department tomorrow and take my diary and book this up.  I can also chat to someone (and maybe see the Scanner). "They" (whoever they may be) say that if you are claustrophobic that it can be difficult, well maybe they'll let me have a peek and see it - I'm sure it should be OK, I've been inside a large X-Ray thing before so perhaps it is like that?  Anyhow, at least they sounded OK about me turning up to make the appointment and also that I'm over 42 (I think) which means that I'm OK to have the scan without some sort of assessment being made.


Maybe whilst I am out I can pop into the shops and get some food for my diet.  I'm being a bit demanding on what I'm able to eat so I can perhaps do a bit of shopping myself and so make the main shop a bit less arduous.  The Supermarket is right next door to the Hospital so it shouldn't be a problem and a bit of exercise will go down well after breakfast.

Very Quick

Traumatic but very quickly my friend died and it was a sad evening.  I feel sorry for my friend who I go to the Jazz night with as this is both of his friends in a very short space of time :-(  Parkinson's and now this Pancreatic and complications (Gall and Liver problems).  It has been pretty quick I guess 2 weeks start to finish and I only saw him myself about 6 or 8 weeks ago I suppose.  I only meet him 8 or 10 times a year but have done that regularly over 10 or more years I suppose.  


So a sad day really but here's something interesting at the same time another friend of mine was posting that he had a 220 mile round trip to come to Bromley tonight.  As things happened one of the Brethren stopped breathing and this chap stepped in and got his heart beating again sufficiently to get help there and that's just amazing so now he knows why he made the round trip - he did that to save a life.  Fantastic job.

Dad

Well dad is stable I guess you'd call it.  He surprises me my being still very cheerful although he has his days - don't we all.  He is still hanging on in there but quite weak and needs to take his time and get his breath and that's the thing - his mind isn't going but his body is and he knows it.  I just heard that a friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer whilst I was away he is in hospital and not so good.  In and out of conciousness and not likely to last too long.  It is a shame as he and I were only talking about Dad in January (or was it February) and he was complaining about a few minor ailments and bang, that's arrived and within weeks he is seriously ill.


In some ways I'm surprised my dad has made it this far, he wasn't expected to at all although his prognosis of 6 months to 4 years gives plenty of room for the health specialists.  I'm planning to go up soon to see the folks, I ring everyday really just to make sure mum has somewhere to off load what she is going through.  My brother isn't "good" at that sort of listening regime.  I'm a lot better at hearing the words that he doesn't want to hear.  I think that there's a lot to be said for looking after the carer a little more, they have to be there all the time and live with the consequences.  


Anyway, he's as well as can be and still doing well despite what is actually happening to him.

New Week New Outlook

I've been in a funny old place since being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer way way back in July 2006.  It really has completely thrown my life into a different place and all that period up until diagnosis of sacrifice at the altar of capitalism changed in a very swift way.  The funniest thing was that I thought, back then, I had direction something that I'm not absolutely certain I had then or have now.  Since diagnosis I've been struggling coming to terms with what it all means, how I've been affected, what I want to do and so on.  It's a long old "mid life crisis" and for much of that time I've been trying to weigh it all up.  I'm not saying that I've succeeded or that I'm anywhere nearer answering the questions I'm posing myself but that I'm now in a comfortable place with myself.


This morning, for once in a long time, I've sat down at my PC without the anxious drive to do something and by that I mean that I generally sit here and feel guilty if I'm not doing something constructive and yet, today, there is nothing to do - all my actions are done, my work here is finished and I'm waiting for someone to get back to me, a call to arrive and nothing else.  The day is my own until something else happens.  Close to 2 years work is now over and things will be what they will be, there is a plan and things will happen today and down the week but there is nothing I can physically do to make it happen it is out of my control.  


What to do with the time now available?  Well some tidying up and getting my desk cleaned up.  Throw away all the old rubbish and recycle all the paper around here :-) I've some things to do in terms of sorting out accounts and also I have to update my diary with all my commitments in it.  Arrange to go see my folks and generally start to consider what to do next in terms of a job, career or vocation.  


Of course, that could be considered defeatist and I suppose in a way if you look at it without my knowledge of the situation it could be.  In fact it is proper risk management in action as I can see the possibility of a train wreck in the distance and I'm mitigating it.  It would be amusing to get to the end of the journey and find that we can proceed no further and not have a Plan B :-)


It is a beautiful sunny spring day outside and I'm feeling good and positive, I'm losing weight, I feel well and the holiday was the right thing to do to get my head back in the right place and to calm me down and level off the anxiety I was beginning to feel. 


I have to also get in touch with my GP and get my BP reading done - maybe next week will be good for that with this amount of weight lost and also the pressures gone.  Also need to call to arrange my CT Scan.  Anyway, things have slowed right down now and hopefully that will allow me the time to reflect and consider my situation fully.  I certainly hope so.

Back on the diet

I'm almost relieved to be back on the diet - I was quite uncomfortable last night with all the eating stuff you like and high carb content etc., but it needs to happen once a week and no doubt I will get my balance of being decadent once a week as time moves on.  


I dug out my old egg steamer (poacher) from the back of one of the kitchen cupboards and used that this morning it works well.  I'm using up the some of my pre-prepared frozen legumes.  Chick Peas this morning and not too many of them as it says they should be used in moderation and so I will make sure I have a good few days gap in between using them again.  I have some Avocados that must also be used in moderation, perhaps for lunch?  Anyway, I can definitely feel the weight loss and more interestingly things like bending over to tie a shoe or pick something up are now much easier so I'm pleased about that.  


I'm once again keeping away from TV and Radio and Internet news so as not to find out the F1 result - the replay show is on at 2pm.  It is a bit of a nuisance that F1 has come off terrestrial TV and is now a "paid for" Satellite experience.  I'm not sure that for the 40 hours of actual racing I want to pay out £360+ a year.  In fact 10 of the races will be on terrestrial so it definitely doesn't make economic sense that would be around £30 a race :-)  I think they have the highlights of every race plus the 10 live ones so I'll see how it can be scheduled.  


I should have sat down and done some accounts this weekend and actually, frankly, I can't be arsed to do it :-)  I know that sounds bad but occasionally you just need to have some "me" time.  I'm beginning to consider my future options especially as we haven't had even a nibble from the investment community.  People outside of that community cannot understand how our idea cannot be given some level of investment.  


We are aware (and always were) that this was a possible outcome and have planned for it.  The next step will be to approach Corporate companies who have money available and will venture with us.  That changes the game a bit for us.  In fact it changes it a lot but if that doesn't happen and we cannot Joint Venture either then we are sort of clutching at straws and will need to take a deep breath and close the business down.  It will be a shame of course but that's what happens and great ideas and clever innovation do not always get recognised and realised.  We would have done what we needed to bring the idea to life and have it investor ready.  We might be able to "sell" the work we have done and the company name etc., to recover some costs but that's not immediately likely.


So I'm doing some thinking about what I'd like to do next if things don't work out the way I would like them to.  There's plenty of things and opportunities out there and I could probably pursue a dream or perhaps change career or do something completely "out there" :-)  I just need a lazy Sunday like today to do that....

OK Enough Already

Managed to get into the swing on cheat day (or should that be reward day).  Finally got stuck into and had some bread and some crumptes, cheese especially my Stilton and some cheese biscuits before heading off to town to have an Italian meal - some Seafood Ravioli and Tiramisu (sp) and a few Peroni beers so hopefully I've done what is needed I certainly fell full up and slightly uncomfortable.  Hopefully this has spiked my carbs and will help next weeks low carbs do their job.  


So off to bed now and back to the diet tomorrow - glad to see that a large bag of Spinach has turned up in the fridge - I love the stuff and it goes well with all meals.

Cheat Day has arrived

I feel like a bit of a Devil and want to go all out to cheat and have things I normally wouldn't anyway but the tale of the scale is holding me back a little.  How about it looks as if I've lost between 6 and 8 pounds!  In one week.  It is one of those uncertainty things as I forgot when I weighed myself and whether it was before or after food.  At the moment I'm loaded with a high protein breakfast and a quart of water so I'm bound to be a little heavier on the scales but they were hovering close to 16 and a half Stones!  Which is pretty good.  Mrs. F. commented this morning that I was visibly slimmer and she could see that most of my balcony of a stomach has melted away.  I'm very pleased as the diet isn't as "bad" as I thought it might be and by that I mean bland and boring.  I've managed to pull meals together and just use my imagination - sometimes they combine well and other times it's just like eating a mess of stuff :-)


So the quandary has arrived, I can go and cheat and eat what I like and all I have ready is some Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese which I can make up with some dried fruits that I like and some yoghurt and I have a nice slice of Stilton sitting in the Fridge with my name on it.  Other than that, I'm struggling to find what else to cheat with but tonight I can have what I like as we are out for a meal so perhaps that will make me feel less guilty about "undoing" the work - in real terms, as far as I can see, I'm not actually undoing the work I've done but it feels like it.


Now I've got to keep clear of the radio and TV and the Internet so that I can watch the highlights of F1 qualifying on the TV later.


So - great results on the weight loss front and long may that continue, I imagine, like many other diets, the first week's losses are quite large and things will settle down over the weeks ahead.   Anyway, other things I've noticed - which may sound strange - are that I can get my clothes on better and that may seem strange to say but I was struggling to do that and was feeling "fat" hence going on the diet made a lot of sense as does the other health benefits of getting back to a normal weight, eating healthily and so on.


Right - off now to wreak mayhem on the household's food supplies - watch out fattening, sugary foods "Here's Johnny!!!" :-)

A little red wine in celebration

I thought I'd open up a bottle of wine I won a few years ago in 2010 to celebrate Steve's all clear today.  Unfortunately it tasted absolutely awful and I had to pour it away it will probably do a nice job of cleaning out the drain.  I hope Mrs. F. doesn't think I've necked the whole bottle.  Instead I've pulled out an Italian Veneto and that is rather nice, so now I can properly raise my glass to Steve's continued well being and that means he can take the whole summer off until September when he has another scope followed by 3 BCGs. 


I must ring up and arrange my CT Scan and I need to get to see my GP to get my Blood Pressure taken again as it was up at stratospheric levels last time I was there.  I might just delay that a little while whilst I bring my body under control with this diet and the exercises I'm gradually bringing in. I've been pretty good and only done short 5 and 10 minute bursts.  Just a few minutes on the vibration plate to do some squats and bends and then some wall pushes and also I do some 45% push ups using the bed rail to push against.


So far, so good.  I had a cheeky look at the scales earlier and I'm a good 3 or 4 pounds lighter than I was on Sunday so that's not bad but I'll probably properly check tomorrow sometime.   I'm now set fair with plenty of legumes and Mrs. F. also bought me some Fish and Red Kidney Beans for tomorrow so I'm happy about that.  I've been unable to touch my soups because they contain things like rice or milk products and all sorts of things I'm not allowed.  I can only have them on Saturday, my cheat day.  I've lined up some nice Stilton Cheese for Saturday and I need to top up on my Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese mixture too as I've missed that.  I generally had that every day but will now limit myself to just twice a week meaning I've got a smaller amount of Cottage Cheese than the big tub I normally get through.  Mind you, that's OK as is Flax Seed Oil, it is just the dried fruit and other stuff I used to have in it, including my Pro-biotic yoghurt that have had to be dropped.  It's all for a good cause and I'm hoping that I can get into real shape over the next month or two especially as I can build my exercises and the nights get lighter and perhaps I can get out of the house a bit more.


We are getting into the "end game" with the business and are now pursuing different funding avenues, it is where we thought we would end up and so we've spent a couple of hours on conference calls tonight to set strategy going forward.  I'm seriously reviewing what alternatives I may have should we fail as it is an ideal time to start thinking seriously about that.  It makes no sense for one day to find that the dream is ended and I've no Plans B, C & D to fall back on.


I've started by setting down my requirements for the future and looking at things differently.  I can now that health is a lot better and I can consider other options that may be more active and more assertive than the work at the Charity I did.  I'm not saying that the work wasn't active and assertive but it fitted my illness at the time and work and illness worked around each other quite well.  I think that travelling up to London and back each day would require a substantial incentive for me as would getting involved in anything as serious as I used to do unless I'm doing it for myself of course.  I still have the family history business in stasis I suppose and the Program Management business is also still active so either of those are possibilities.  


The holiday put me in a calm and peaceful place.  I wasn't there before I went, I was quite annoyed that no one got what we are doing, that the EU investment market is dead, that no matter what people might say about encouraging entrepreneurs, it is just lip service and most of the stuff that is spouted by politicians and industry heads is a pack of lies.  That's the disappointment with the whole thing.  In the US it is very different but what we are doing is very European to start with - how could it be anything other than that?  The US guys have plenty of people beating a path to their door so they don't need to come over here and see us and they don't tend to invest in services businesses.


So that was the annoyance and now I've gone past that because, it will be what it will be.  We will have worked it out of our system and whilst it will be a huge shame and disappointment, it won't be the only radical idea that never made it, there must be thousands of broken dreams crushed every week through the same reasons.  It isn't that they don't have merit or that they don't work it is just that their time isn't now and may never be.  That's just the way the cookie crumbles I'm afraid.  There's no need to get angry although perhaps you should and there's not a lot you can do about it so like the US Cops you just have to say "Nothing to see here, move along, get behind the line" :-)


Anyway, I haven't drunk my wine which I will do now, thinking of Steve and his great news and remembering that we are both clear, have both had some pretty traumatic times, some good and bad experiences and have worked our way from those very scary days away and up and beyond, taken control of our health and taken responsibility for recovering and maintaining our bodies as best we can.  


Cheers!  

Almost done

Blimey a marathon effort soaking, washing, boiling, simmering, rinsing, cooling and packaging my legumes :-)  It has taken the best part of the day doing it - not standing over them but timings and cooling down, packaging and freezing etc.  Almost done now and some left out for my meal tonight.


Just juiced up some carrots with some brussel sprout top - uggghhhh I'd forgotten how awful it tastes.  As luck would have it I have some Limes and Lemons so a hit of lemon seems to have dampened it down and on my 6th pint of cold water too.  I'm having coffee around about lunch time, normally an Americano but today did some filter so I could have a couple of cups.  I've cut out sweeteners altogether and milk and all dairy so quite a change for me but not unpleasant and I've been able to cook up some interesting meals and using various herbs and combinations it hasn't been too bad.  It's only Thursday and I have another day to go before going off and trying some other stuff.  So far, so good, I've not weighed myself but I actually feel better and I actually feel thinner certainly my trousers are coming undone because they are too large and my belt size has gone in a notch although I attribute much of that to the holiday and all the exercise I got walking around Venice. Florence and Rome.


We are going out on Saturday night the girls are taking Mrs. F. out for Mothers Day which is on Sunday.  They cleverly have vouchers for the evening and I suggested that I'll foot the bar bill as I may have a few extra beers and will certainly have a blow out meal!

Kitchen Prep

The kitchen looks like one in a Restaurant as I prepare Lentils, Split Peas, Black Eyed Beans and Chick Peas.  I'm doing them in a batch so that I can freeze them and that will allow me to ensure I have enough for the next week or so.  More supplies are arriving tonight I hope in the form of Red Kidney Beans which do make economical sense to buy in tins.  Will have to keep my eye out for others that are available.


For some reason Chick Peas are only to be used in moderation so I'll just limit those - it is the same as Avocado which I also like shouldn't be a daily thing - perhaps every couple of days or so.


Thought for Steve Kelley who is being checked later today with a flexible cystoscope.  Fingers crossed, prayers sent for a clear verdict on his Judgement Day. 

Short on carbs

Could tell that today I was short on the carbs as I felt hungry and you really shouldn't feel like that.  So have set out to sort out my Black Eye Beans, Lentils and Split Peas and I have some Chick Peas that Mrs. F. bought but they must be had in moderation only so I'll prepare them but use sparingly.  I can then freeze all of these and use them as I have this week for three meals a day - I need to somehow work out how I can make it 4 meals a day.  


I have managed pretty well and apart from the red wine slip up, everything else seems to be working out OK.  I feel quite cold which is unusual, I probably need to wear something a bit warmer but I'm drinking ice cold water and lots of it during the day.


Another 2 days to go until the cheat day which I have planned for one of my big no nos normally and that is Stilton Cheese.  I froze quite a bit that I got for Christmas and so I can get that out of the freezer on Friday night and have that on Saturday.


The Formula 1 season starts on Saturday with the Australian Grand Prix.  It is no longer free to view and so I'll have to make do with the highlights.  I don't see that paying over £300 a year is quite right just to watch a couple of races (and that is all).  I suppose we are lucky to get highlights.    I imagine that this will start to erode the sport in this country as it did when they took over boxing.  


On a brighter note, I've ordered my new mobile phone and package and hope that it will be a good step forward.  I've got a slightly different package of time and data which I hope will actually mean me using it properly.  I've had to seriously curtail using the one I have now as I ran up a £12 bill just for downloading a few emails.  Hopefully that will now go away.  Looking forward to getting a larger phone as well as the small screen on mine makes it difficult to read sometimes.

Almost passed the test

But just a couple of glasses of red wine too many in my calculations.  Oh well - these things are sent to try us - if it had been beer would it have been worse?  Difficult to say I suppose.


So I'm sat here and should now call it a night and go to bed.  A few months ago I'd be up until 1 or 2 am but will call it a day soon and head on up to get a good nights rest.


I've managed to keep on diet except those two extra glasses of wine!  Let's see what I can do to keep to plan until Saturday when I can cheat myself stupid.


I have to say that I managed to keep pretty much to plan until a friend turned up late and kept me at the pub until closing time - I was expecting to get home a few hours before this...


Have until Saturday with no other engagements to resolve this I suppose!

So far so good

Trying to work out if I'm this cold because of the diet :-)  I am absolutely frozen so much so that I put the central heating on early this afternoon.  Mind you I have been drinking ice cold water and a good few pints of that too.  Had my high protein breakfast and lunch both with beans for carbs.  Had one cup of coffee today so far but feel the need for a cup of soup in a minute just to warm up!  


Will have chicken tonight with some beans and vegetables.  Off out to the pub so I will contain myself with Red Wine rather than Beer so as to keep on plan.  Saturday is my day off and so I will enjoy a bit of a cheat then.  I like the idea of having stuff that you wouldn't normally have anyway like chocolate and doughnuts etc.  Not sure I'll go absolutely wild but I may cut loose with some pastries :-)


So far then so good, getting used to it and not feeling hungry at the moment but feeling cold and not surprised drinking this chilled water all day.  Did also do a carrot juice this morning but added a touch too much Lime which made it a bit difficult to drink :-)  I will keep juicing just to ensure that I get my concentrated fix of vegetables into my system.  I won't be doing too much in the way of getting off plan though as I just need this to keep me topped up with the good stuff.


I have to say that I'm feeling good and got a good night's sleep and was up and about early too.  It feels like a long day because of that and also getting breakfast eaten within the hour of waking means that I get going much quicker.  I will go and give myself a short work out after writing this - no more than 5 or 10 minutes just to start to get into the habit.


I think after the holiday I am in a much better place mentally especially as I think that I've started to think the unthinkable that we may not get funded with our project.  That was always a possibility and so I can calmly look forward to see what may come afterwards and take my time to do that.  We aren't near the last throw of the dice but we have completed a number of phases and are getting past half way without much take up.  From the meeting we had yesterday, it appears that our experience isn't un-typical in today's climate.  We do however have a few trump cards left to play and that will be the test a little later.


Well that's about it at the moment, I feel slimmer from the holiday and fitting into my suit trousers was a bonus yesterday, I just hope that I can keep this momentum up and start to get back into my old clothes and fit more comfortably into my present ones!

First Day

Well that wasn't too bad apart from we had a meeting in London and needed to grab food up there.  As luck would have it there was a chicken salad with lashings of Spinach to be had and no heavy dressing so I was pleased with getting that and also managed to drink my Ice Cold water - around 5 pints so far today.  Was a little concerned that I hadn't taken on enough carbs but made up for that with 2/3 of a tin of Berlotti Beans :-)


Found a number of bags of frozen beans in the Freezer so using them first.  The next test comes tomorrow as it is lads night out.  As luck would have it my friend is the only one turning up, he has to go early and so I will be able to have some red wine (allowed) and not have any beer (shame but I am going to stick to this diet).  I did some basic exercises today on my Vibration Plate machine and got some stretches and squats done too.  I need to up these but I've learnt from the past not to overdo these things especially on the vibration exercises which give you a real workout quicker than you think they do.


So - the first day has gone OK and I'm hoping that I'll be ready for another crack at this in the morning bashing in huge protein hit to start with, drinking a litre of very cold water and this time I will be able to get some beans (legumes) in with my breakfast.


I was most surprised that my starting weight is 17 stone - OK that may seem large to you but for me I only look fat with a bit of a beer belly with this.  I'm down from 18 stone and I think I may have been higher than that.  In the past two weeks, before this diet, I've lost around 1 stone, an inch off my neck and perhaps an inch or two of my waist (I could actually get into my suit trousers without discomfort today).  My watch strap too has shrunk by a notch and my clothes do feel looser on me.  A good run at this diet will, I hope, allow me to lose another stone or more and start to get myself back to a decent weight allowing me to also get my BP down at the same time.

New Regime

I was pretty impressed that on returning from holiday that I have managed to drop a belt size and even my watch needed to go in a notch.  That's what a lot of walking can do for you and also eating sensibly.


Talking of eating sensibly, I am today starting the diet that fellow blogger Steve Kelley has had such success with.  See here for Steve's experiences.  Some time ago Steve and I tried a cross Atlantic weight loss "competition" and whilst we both lost a bit we had to work really hard at it and like may other diets I managed to put back everything I lost and more :-( 


Steve has had impressive results so far and as far as I can see the whole thing is sustainable and  makes a lot of sense.  I'd suggest you don't do this if you are actually being treated or have cancer at the moment or to at least seek medical advice.


So I've prepared for this by getting rid of anything likely to deter me from the path of eating just a few things regularly for 6 days a week and then having a 7th cheat day.  In essence I started this yesterday and stepped off this morning with a protein rich breakfast and some ice cold water to get things moving :-)  Unfortunately I'm out to lunch today (typical) but I know what I can ask for or look for in terms of food and so will make sure that I do that.  


The biggest problem with this diet is where to get your carbs from and so Legumes are the way to go on this.  I've loaded the house up with Lentils and Black Eyed Beans etc.  Now I need to prepare them and get them ready for using as it is these that need to be used to provide the carb part of the diet.  If you don't get them you run a real risk of running out of energy, feeling hungry etc.  


Rather than rattle through what Steve has eloquently described again here all I'll say is that I am looking forward to the change and trying this out and giving it a good go, it appears to be good in terms of results and in terms of allowing me to add in exercise without having to do 45 minutes a day which I was easily doing when I was dieting last year.  It is strange that I am getting back into clothes that were too small 4 or 5 months ago and so there is further incentive for me to continue to bring my weight down.  


Here goes - let's see what happens.

Alcohol Added Rant

It's nice once in a while, when having drunk a few beers, to attack one's blog with some sort of "under the influence" awakening.


Of course, it isn't the same as a "trip" and so can't mean anything either.


I realised tonight that I didn't spend the time I should doing the right thing for my family.  As I spoke to friends who now have young families I waxed lyrical about spending time with them.  I didn't but then, at this present time, the girls have a house that is paid for, the ability to fall back on money that we have put aside for them or that they have, to keep them at Uni, looking for a job, a flat etc.  My "guilt" is that I maybe should have spent time with them then rather than them having the opportunity now.  In other words, if I was having the opportunity to build the family foundations at the time they were born was it time well spent or not?


I don't know really?  At this present time, no one needs to find finance, it is sitting in the bank(s) ready to be used.  If I hadn't worked all over Europe for all those hours and grabbing those bonuses then perhaps I'd have seen the kids more when they were younger and yet if I hadn't have done that I'd have been out of a job there would have been no money and so on - we can go on that loop forever.


I don't know the answer but would you have sacrificed the now for the future or sacrificed the future for the now?   There is no easy answer to that - I just need to focus on the now - I actually think I missed out huge tracks of my daughter's lives through working really hard when they were young.  I think that just as you hit your peak in terms of career and climbing the greasy pole that everything arrives all at once.  There's a trade off that you make and mine was to secure my family's future and yet I think now that I'd have rather secured the opportunity to watch them grow up a bit more.  My children mean so much to me and now I regret that I secured their now rather than their then.

Back to Reality

Well here I am again and feeling a bit trimmer which is good and just about to get back onto my diet and back to exercise routine.  After a week and a half of walking quite long distances I'm feeling a lot better.  My back was twinging and all over the place on the first few days in Venice but after a few days of working on it and also realising that I was carrying my back pack on one shoulder, I moved away from that and so far have managed to get better each day.  The distances we walked must be in the 5 to 10 miles a day region I think and up and down steps and hills, over hard surfaces etc.  All of the cities are best seen by foot in reality.


We were extremely lucky with the weather - on two days it was dodgy - one day in Florence was misty and damp but we changed schedule, went indoors and when we came out went on a long walk out of the city up into the hills and were rewarded with the sun coming out and burning off the mists and a wonderful series of views of the city.  A long walk though but worth it.  When we went to the Vatican it started drizzling (it had rained the night before and we had got in just before the heavens opened) and as we got inside from the obligatory queuing the heavens once again opened up.  So all in all we got away with great weather.  Some of the train journeys were amazing - Lucerne to Milan and Turin to Paris being the stand out ones.  We would have liked to have seen a bit more of Basel to Lucerne but the light failed but of what we could see, this would have been spectacular too.


Nothing quite prepares you for Venice, Florence or Rome really.  They are each different in character and each was enjoyable in its own right.  We fitted as much in as we could in each of the cities and did most of the "tourist" stuff however, the best bits were getting out early, getting past the queues and finding those little hidden gems that only the intrepid explorer can hope to see.  In Venice we stayed about as far from the tourist area as it is possible to stay.  The upside was a few quiet canals and local life, hidden squares and churches.  The downside?  Few restaurants and few evening activities unless going back into the city.  We felt sorry for the day tourists on the Cruise liners - quite how they could do Venice in a day was beyond us - we did 2 and a half days - we could have done a bit more on departure day but didn't!  


The train journeys were good in general, the people were not so.  First class travel made things a bit better but I do find aircraft and train travel to be a bit of a strain especially when the web site booking systems stick all the passengers together in one carriage of the train leaving the carriages either side virtually empty (late booking may help here).  No sooner had one person struggled off with their case than someone else struggled on with theirs and tried to put an oversized suitcase into an undersized luggage rack, then try and back it out to the main luggage racks where the doors are.  If they had been booked either side there would have been easier access and egress.  Anyway, there's me being a pragmatist.  We often let them all scramble on and off the trains and get on when all is settled - that was we can find seats, locate space etc.


I'm sure I could write a travel book based on the experiences of the journey.  Would I travel by train again?  Pretty sure I would but I'd probably go first class all the way despite the issue I had with the idiots on the Turin to Paris train, I know how to avoid that in future.

Italy - WOW

Back from a hectic week and a half in Italy.  Had a wonderful time, mostly good weather and of course the culture and the food stick in the mind.  Even lost a bit of weight and a belt size but that was through the massive amount of walking we did over the days.  Today has been stunning making our way back from Torino to home.  We went from sunlight to snow in the Alps and back to rain, grey and then blue skies all in one day.  


Generally a good time but occasionally I find that people are just downright disgraceful and ignorant and rude but then that's the Italians and French for you.  Removing our luggage from the racks, placing theirs in it and throwing our cases (and others) in a pile in the train corridor was just one of the tricks these monkeys got up to - and that on a first class compartment.  Wish I'd seen them do it, there'd have been someone with bruised testicles as a starter...


Apart from that, the way that these guys allow their dogs to shit unabated even around ancient world heritage monuments and their apparent lack of oral or other bodily hygiene the places themselves made up for it.  Proof in both Italy and France that many many many many years ago there was an advanced, artistic and altogether more elegant time than those who inherited it deserve. 

Nice

Well that was nice - I was voted in "with acclaim" and in all my years I've never seen that at a meeting so that was very special indeed.  A little embarrassing too as despite the way I portray myself I don't like to be too much in the limelight that way.

Anyway, off to bed now and off to Italy in the early morning - I will blog when I get back unless I can get to a PC before.

One Down

One to go.  Today's Lodge meeting will be interesting as they will elect me as the Worshipful Master for the next year.  I get installed in June and have one year at the helm.  There are only a couple of duties to be done before the summer break but from September onwards it will be full on with various meetings etc.


I don't have to do much today other than look surprised and say thank you :-)  The real work will come in June no doubt and when I get back from holiday writing to the various people that will make up my team for the next year.  


Not too much drinking today as I need to get home and finish packing!  

Damn and blast

The chap I need to speak to is in a meeting and so I've left a message for him to call back - I bet he is bound to when I'm in the shower or when I'm wandering over to get to my meeting this afternoon.  It is such a nice afternoon that I'm going to walk it.  The sun is out, it isn't too warm though but that's OK.  A nice 40 to 45 minute walk will be useful and get me ready for the next week and a half of almost non stop walking we are going on.  


A cheeky glance at the weather shows that it is warming up a bit in Italy and at least we wont have to worry about the ice and snow they had there just a few weeks ago that actually froze some of the canals.  If it does get a little colder we have fleece  liners for our coats.  I think we will be able to walk around in our coats without the liners in Florence by the looks of it as it suggests 17 degrees.


Dad seems to have had a better couple of days which I'm glad about.  I will keep in touch with my parents and my brother somehow - I'm hoping free WiFi will provide some sort of connection for email and I can use my phone abroad (I hope).  Fingers crossed that all goes well whilst we are away.  

TGIF

Only one thing left to do today and that is to call up someone who we need to meet on my return from Italy.


I have to pick up L from the station as she is with us for the weekend.  She has to get her eyes examined tomorrow and then will drop us off on Sunday - poor girl she actually wanted a bit of a relaxing time but won't get one!


I have a meeting tonight and one tomorrow to attend.  Tomorrow should confirm that I will be elected as Master of the Lodge which is a huge deal, especially as it is a Stewards' Lodge and so I am looking forward to that of course.  It means that in June I will become the Master of the Lodge and will be "on the circuit" again visiting lots of other Lodges around the country as an honoured guest.  There are three meetings, June, October and February and that will be just enough to do the job for a year and then be amazed at how fast it went.  I have to say that for most of the time I was secretary of the Lodge I was having treatment for Bladder Cancer.  I'm just amazed at how I managed to continue an involved job like that and undergo treatment.  


I remember thinking at the time how everyone made a big deal of it and I didn't.  Of course, it was a serious thing but either I chose to ignore it or just worked my way through it.  Whatever it is, I was so pleased to even be considered for being Master and as someone said to me, there really was no one else even being considered and in less than a minute it was decided.  It needs to be ratified on Saturday of course.  Hence we waited until after then to go away.


I have some other minor things to attend to today - like packing and also I need to do some checking of my accounts prior to going to the meeting this afternoon.  


The only trouble with Lodge meetings?  There's a meal tonight and one tomorrow to tackle.  Interestingly I only tend to eat one big meal a week and I have eaten very little this week so I should be able to manage these.  As usual, these meals are much of a muchness and whilst they are good quality they aren't really what you would consider restaurant fare, the trouble I have is that they are often quite stodgy but I've trained myself now to just go for the Veg and then miss out potatoes or just have one.  


Listening to Massive Attack as I write this - I had forgotten how huge that Blue Lines album was back in 1991.  How time flies :-)  This is another one of those things as people do give me a sidewise glance when I say I like a band Like Massive Attack and that I'd also like a band like Camel - I just like any sort of music really as long as it is well put together.

Time for some ME time

It's about time that I made some "Me" time and that starts in a few moments after I've written my intent in this blog.  It is time for packing and reading up the research I have done and to start to wind down from being stuck on the PC all day every day.   I've culled my Twitter account and got rid of all the cr@p that's I've endured there for months and we are almost at the end of the first phase of fund raising which is proving to be a bit of a blank.


All emails are being diverted to my colleagues and that will allow them to carry on in my absence and I have two meetings one tomorrow and one on Saturday to attend to and that's it, away we go and let the adventure begin.  I am looking forward to it now and just need to remember what language I am speaking in what country :-)  I'll need to speak French, German and Italian over the course of 10 days or so.  I haven't spoken German for 14 years I think.  French was a few years ago and Italian was also 14 years ago.  That should be fun - I wonder if I can remember much of it?  I always thought though that the funniest thing I heard was in Milan "No Problemo" - it was around the time of the Terminator films and I remember just looking at my colleague and bursting out laughing.  It was also here that I thought we were in the middle of an Earthquake as the building started to shake and vibrate I asked whether we should get under the table - I got some strange looks and asked whether we were in an earthquake.  Apparently not - the Metro was being tunnelled out below the building/street and that what was making the vibrations.  Doh! :-)


So happy days and I do hope that we get to see Venice, Florence and Rome on decent days as well as Lucerne and Turin too.  We go via Paris, Basel and Milan - I doubt we will have that much time to see much other than the station though and the Metro in Paris.

Never a good time is it?

It is never a "good time" to go away, on a holiday or away on business.  By that I mean that if something might happen to my dad whilst I'm away, it will happen and it matters not if I am in Italy, home, there or somewhere else?   You can't be where you want or need to be all the time and whilst I feel it may be a bit selfish to take a holiday at this point in time, if I delay it, my wife wont get a break and in my opinion she needs it more than I do and of course, neither will I. 


I mention this as dad's not had a great night and isn't good today but this could be the same at any time really and it has now been 6 months since they gave him 6 months to live and so I guess, there are currently signs that things are beginning to catch up with him.  We will see what today brings, it is the complete weakness he feels and inability to move around the house that has got him today.  He is getting weaker and wakes feeling cold and I can only imagine that this is how things progress.  


But I need to get away for my own sanity and I need Mrs. F. to also get away for hers, she works very hard and I do keep trying to get her to slow down a bit, it isn't as if we need the money although I feel that she thinks it is.  At least we will get some talk time in the next couple of weeks although I thought that when we went to the Baltic coming up for two years ago. 


Things will be what they will be in the meantime and I can do nothing to stop the course of nature or to be in a position to do anything much other than keeping in daily contact and hoping that dad isn't suffering too much and that mum is managing to keep going.  It's a hard time for everyone.

Disturbed Night's Sleep

It was a good meeting last night and as often happens when my mind gets going and the possibilities start flowing my sleep gets disturbed by lots of dreams and things going on both rationale and bizarre.  Dreams were about business and relationships and moved rapidly between the believable and  things that are best left unsaid in case they cart me off to the mad house :-)


What it has done is provided some clarity to my thinking and allowed me to move on past a couple of things I was grasping onto but in reality should have pragmatically dismissed a week or so ago.  That's helped me greatly and so my belief is back once again.  It just proves that we have done our homework and we do know what we are doing and there was a lot of good vibes coming from the meeting.

It Isn't Me

Well that was a good meeting with a guy who is a Merchant Banker and who moves in circles and places way above ours.  Came over to us and sat down and got what we are doing, saw what we had done, how we had done that and what it means, where we had been and what difficulties we were up to and, thank goodness, agreed that our perception of the market matched what it is really like.


We often don't give ourselves enough credit for knowing our game, for being well prepared and for being able to analyse what we see.  For my part I may get angry and annoyed about the way the UK is so short termism but tonight we found someone who maybe and just maybe might be able to take us to some real money.  So a curry and a few beers later I am much happier and more comfortable that the situation we find ourselves in is indeed where we should be, we haven't missed anything or any tricks and we are where we are because that is where we should be.  


Hard to come to terms with the fact that the place where you expected the dynamic young bucks of the investment industry to be are in fact not living up to their hype.  More senior and mature pastures appear to await.

Strange Sunday

It is strange indeed to actually sit down in the same room as Mrs. F. for more than a few minutes.  She was out most on Saturday and is always on the go doing something but I finally got her to sit down and do a little planning for the holiday coming up.  It took a while with constant interruptions by both daughters.  They too needed something from their mum.


Eventually we got things sorted but I did manage to book travel tickets in Venice on the wrong day but hey, at least it was while we are there!  So we just need to switch our plans.  I was trying not to be too proscriptive and hence we ended up looking at the things we would like to see and just looking to cover those and hit whatever else comes our way serendipitously which is, after all, the best way to go about it.  Having seen how wonderful Florence looks, we may not now go to Pisa and Lucca as I originally fancied doing unless somehow miraculously we do Florence in a day!  Unlikely I think.  It looks amazing.  


I am looking forward to this trip more and more and I hope that we will be able to get some serious tourist activities in.  It reminds me of our Baltics trip and I hope that it is as active as that - we will this time have more that just a day to see the areas though and with the preparation we did today I hope there is enough planning done so that we can enjoy the experience.

Next Week

This time next week I'll be on my way to Paris and almost there in fact, then across the city to Gare de Lyon and then down to Basel and on to Lucerne.  I am looking at the trip today and doing the tourist planning bit - what we are going to see and when - only roughly of course as serendipity is a big part of the trip too.


I am told our trip into and out of Switzerland should be wonderful with all the lakes and mountains and passes we will be going through.  It will be interesting to compare the difference between air and train although, having spent a lot of time working in Paris and Brussels I should state that I much prefer the train for these journeys as I can be in the centre of Paris in less than 3 hours from my house and in Brussels in around 2 and a bit.  Some aircraft expect you to book in 2 hours in advance and then there's all the scanners and shoes off and belts off and all that nonsense to go through too, queuing to get your passport looked at, waiting for your baggage and then getting from the airport into the city and your hotel!  I think the furthest we are from a Hotel and the station is in Turin and here!


So that's what I'm up to and I'm hoping that Mrs. F. might join me for a short while to check out what we are doing and where we are going etc.


I'm also looking forward to getting out and about in the open air and to do some serious walking and exercise.  I feel I've been stuck indoors for months now either self inflicted or it is just the way that things have panned out.  This will at least get me away from the business for a while.  That was beginning to engulf me recently.

Coping with the ups and downs

It is difficult to understand why I would be suffering from this month/week's highs and lows.  It's really because there is an undercurrent in the UK recently that we say one thing and are in fact doing something totally different.  We are "open for business" when in fact this means that we are not at all, we are so risk averse that we aren't going to do anything that even slightly contains the word risk.


Additionally there are other outward appearances that when you look deeper are wholly wrong too, it is SO disappointing that what we are being told and what the situation actually turns out to be is like this.  Now, I've lived long enough to know that this is pretty common but it is the bare faced front of the politicians and the "industry leaders" that is the point.  How on earth they can say that they are promoting business and yet aren't is beyond me - the banks are falling short of their lending targets and the investment industry seems to be more self-centred and star struck almost appearing as if they are in X-Factor or some such thing.  I've un-subscribed from their Twitter accounts because it is the worst sort of Narcissism imaginable, they really are up themselves.  Better than that, they take on the persona of the SIlicon Valley entrepreneurs who, like them or loathe them, do know something about risk and reward.


Anyway, having removed myself from their self preening, self congratulatory,  Daily Mail style self promotion and general distastefulness, I find myself somehow cleansed and liberated from this peculiar world these people inhabit.  Let's hope that the people that we are now going to talk to are a little more pleasant?


So having removed myself from that avenue of discomfort and having rationalised things a bit I find myself looking at various avenues to explore to make exceptions to include certain other UK organisations.  That is my next step along with testing some ideas with known sources.  After that, I think that there is a short break in proceedings and I can go on my break to Italy and try and free my mind up and take stock of where I am.


Things aren't bleak on the business front by any means but it just means that we have to go about it in a different way.  What the UK lacks perhaps Europe will not and if Europe is similarly afflicted then the US is also open to us.  Of course that could be quite an eye opener and not just for us :-)


So - I'm back on an even keel now after having some major angry moments and also being massively disappointed with the "Type" of people we met and dealt with, arrogant, up themselves and dismissive of the effort and achievement we have already demonstrated to get this far.  It was disappointing to note how intellectually lazy these people actually are too - you need to spoon feed them in words of one syllable to get them to understand it.  Anyway enough venting and ranting for one post.  I feel that I have enough information here to write a book about it - maybe I will just to warn anyone who approaches these guys just how bad the vast majority of them actually are.

Nothing like a good rant

So we are about to move on now and after having had my rant yesterday and mentally cleared my head I find that today was an easier day and I have managed to move things on to a point now where I am happy with what we are doing going forward which I really wasn't until today.  


Things aren't going the way we thought they might but we had envisaged something like this earlier last year.  It depends on how we tackle this now and that is now set and to my satisfaction because I was concerned that we would miss some steps in our process but that isn't the case.

Anger, Alcohol and Despair

It is nice to come back from the pub liberated from the constraints of every day etiquette and to vent forth.


Tonight I was ranting about the UK financial markets who have retracted their scrotums as far as their tonsils!  They are unworthy to deserve the prefix of Venture derived from the word Adventure!  They believe themselves to be of a higher social group than us entrepreneurs who have worked for 3 or 4 years solid building a business for some MBA from INSEAD to tell us that it doesn't fit with this or that and that whilst they cannot fund us they would like to understand the ins and outs of our inventions.  Then they get pissed off when we tell them that we would rather hold onto our hard won business IPR than give it away to someone with such a base level of disrespect.


They really think they are some sort of celebrity status these VCs and that is so funny.  They talk down at you as if you don't understand business and yet they were in Diapers / Nappiess when I was actually working my way up the greasy pole.  I love the crap they come out with that a document should be 3 pages (or whatever today's bollocks is) and no more no less, blah de blah de blah......  What the hell do they know, it is what it needs to be to describe the business and I'm pretty depressed that our UK boys are following this "Silicon Valley" model of being "God like" creatures who are never wrong and know how to run a business.  Sure, if it is your own hard earned cash started and finished in your own pocket you've a right to that opinion.  Most have only been given the cheque book and are too timid to actually do a deal that would put their neck and their reputation on the line, they prefer to wait until it is a sure thing and then muscle in and claim the kudos.


So be it.  If that is the way that this market works then we have to bypass these people and go into the lion's den and go and talk to those who will make a difference and who actually live up to the hype that is out there.  We all know that there are very few who meet that mark.  In reality I haven't found one of them - in the hundreds (and close to a thousand) I've reviewed who even crawl anywhere near this benchmark.  The world is full of hot air, failed promises and people who think their best is actually getting out of bed and checking a spreadsheet.  Dare I call them wankers?  Yes I think I probably can.   They look as if they are cutting and bleeding edge but actually they are like lawyers and solicitors at the end of the battle who come onto the field of battle and bayonet the wounded.  They are slime and that degrades one cell creatures!


I like going out for a drink as it frees my writing ability and let's me say what I think!

Well how am I?

I'm sort of OK at the moment and not up or down at the moment.  What I've done is to enter my defensive shell and am preparing for the very worst answers and in that way anything better than that is a result.  I was quite angry with everyone to start off with as I see their attitude as defeatist and in a way they've not gone the extra mile and they've certainly not gone to 100% so as long as I make (and not labour) that point I hope that it will make them consider whether or not we did everything we possibly could.


I'm still of the opinion that there's more noise to make and a greater impact that can be had but at the moment, that is only my opinion.  The team went to meet some people tonight about funding so let's see what they've turned up.  I hope perhaps that they have come back with the data that I've been telling them all along.  They don't need to give up, they need to step up.  I reflect that I have now completed all my tasks except for day-to-day running and I'm looking forward to getting a break in a few weeks time as I need it.  If for not other reason than to clear my head and think through my options.  


I've just dropped a belt size over the weekend so I'm quite pleased with my weight loss and I'm happy now and settled into my juicing routine and also into my small portions and mainly soup and fish diet.  Tomorrow evening is a let off day - I know it is Valentine's Day but I'm going to the pub with some mates.  Mrs. F. and I don't do Valentine's meals, red roses and all that guff and especially not at the exorbitant price hikes they put forward as a premium for these sorts of things, Mother's and Father's days etc.  It's a con and our money is better spent on going on a nice holiday which is where it is going.


So back to my deliberations and what I might like to do?  I have no idea at all.  I fancy something that will pay reasonable money without me having to go into London regularly and that I will enjoy and that gives me flexible time too.  Who knows what I might do - I know one thing and that is that the rat race isn't the place unless it is under my terms.

When does it start to feel good

I saw a programme on TV tonight where the chap was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and inevitably died.  IT was a moving piece of drama and there were a couple of poignant moments in it and of course a couple of times I felt a little sad.  You relate such things directly to your own experiences and of course, with dad not being well and my own brush with cancer it is all very real and very much in my focus.


This weekend I haven't juiced or in fact followed any protocols other than not eating a lot :-)  I'd run out of vegetables (happily I have some now) and I was up late on Saturday and Sunday.  Saturday my mate Flocky Bicep, freshly returned from NZ turned up and we have breakfast at Costa with a pastry thrown in for good measure so I had a treat on Saturday morning and today I had some poached eggs rather than my normal FOCC.  That I can restart tomorrow and my juicing too.  I must then find out where the new batteries are so I can load up my BP monitor with those and to start to take readings of my blood pressure.


Work as previous posts show is a concern but probably not as bad as I thought it would be.  In a way I'm furious at the establishment for not providing opportunities for people to get funding and for the Ostrich style approach to venture that the UK appears to foster.  Those who suggest that they are the risk takers and the builders and disrupters of tomorrow are as adventurous as the high street banks.  It appears to me to be all wind and not much else.


So when does it start to feel good?  When do I start to feel good that 5 years have gone by and that bladder cancer is fading away a bit (of course I have to have a CT Scan and all that good stuff too and regular check ups).  When do I feel good about "my lot".  In reality I should feel good right now.  I don't live in abject poverty, I have a roof over my head and my children are at university.  We have food on the table and two cars on the drive.  We have enough money to live on and those blessings should be treasured.  It is difficult as a westerner to sometimes actually look at these things and realise how well off we actually are.  I spoke to one of my colleagues about someone complaining that they were poor as the definition in this country is not one you would recognise for example in some places in Africa.  What we see as poor is a thousands of times greater than someone there could ever attain.


I feel at the cross roads again, having spent 2 years on this project and 2 years beforehand at the charity a year before that I was involved in another start up that didn't work out and I realise that the last time I did any work that was well paid was when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer in the first place.  Of all the experiences I've had since then, I wonder how much having (or having had) bladder cancer has influenced what I have done and what I may do in the future.  For example, I don't fancy a job back in the cut and thrust of the financial services business as I don't want to deal with the stress that it would inevitably bring with it nor do I envy or want to participate in the lifestyle that I had in those times.  The money was great but the hours and damage to my body are no longer sustainable.  Then there was the charity which I enjoyed but after I had built the frameworks that were necessary the day to day running (business as usual) was too mundane for me, I build things, I don't operate them.


So I am left wondering what I ought to consider doing in the future and in fact I have plenty of time to consider this.  I fancy many things and I had a vision of using my family history skills to build a business based on that, write a few books, do some speaking engagements and so on.  Or I could build an internet business I suppose or do some sort of consultancy work.  Whatever I decide to do, it just needs to be interesting enough to engage me and to pay the bills although I'd like it to pay more so I could boost my pension.  But there again money isn't everything.  I've even thought about just packing up, selling the place and going off somewhere to start again doing something (not sure what) miles away from London and the noise and hassle and yet, would I really leave my friends and would I disadvantage the children's future by doing so?


I don't know when it starts to feel good but I think I am beginning to start the process of becoming comfortable with who I am.  I need to do that first to begin to make progress elsewhere.

It's a funny old world

You often look at what goes on and wonder to yourself about it.  Today A was applying for jobs and she's rather well organised now and sees graduation some months away still but is beginning to apply for jobs now and the process these days is crazy.  Gone are the days of old when a CV would get you in the door.  There's loads of crap to get through, questions meaning the same thing asked in different ways and all sorts of nonsense.  


It takes ages to apply for a job and surely time is best served in the numbers game it used to be.  Of course it is all on-line now - which I suppose has been around for a good 10 or more years but it is just a bizarre way of going about applying for roles that are pretty junior.  


As for me, well I think this week will be seminal for me now.  I've had the weekend to plumb the blackness of my mind and I've sort of come out of that OK.  I'm pretty much hacked off at the way things are going and the course we are taking which is far from satisfactory.  It may be thorough but I leave my colleagues to attend a function tomorrow night and either come down on my side of the argument or have their own side ratified.  Either way I'm going to have my say and then see what they actually want to do about it.  There are other avenues to pursue but I'm going away on holiday in a few weeks time and frankly they can get along without me for that time and when I get back we can see what has happened.  


I've been considering what my options may be and as such have realised that I can't make up my mind about that now or come to a decision about it either.  A lot depends on my state of health and on my state of mind.  I'm angry and calm all at the same time.  I'm angry at a system that throws money at non events and won't invest in things that will make a difference.  I'm calm that if it goes nowhere, then I will have to go and do something else.  In my mind, that will involve some sort of career choice that will see me through to my retirement and I feel I want to turn my back on the rat race I've been in most of my life.  Of course, I'm not absolutely certain that I know what that will be but something flexible and that I want to do.  I've got lots of skills from doing what we've just done and from my past life but whether I want to go back and work in the high pressure environments again is the question I need to ask of myself.


The business isn't over and done by any means, it is just that I've decided to take the mental hit of defeat a little earlier in case it does happen and spread that over a few months rather than to fall at the last point possible and take the drop at that time.  It isn't defeatist and it isn't presuming that will happen but I should be prepared to find that things have failed no matter how well we think we have done.


Quite how things will pan out in the next few weeks or so will determine this and I'm just glad that I will have some time away from it to consider my options.

And up and down and up and

Down - what a roller coaster it is at the moment.  I'm certainly not finding it easy at this stage in the company's life to take the view that we will not get finance.  Especially if you don't actually ask someone and especially if you answer the exam question yourself without having asked the person with the money the question.  


That level of assumption, based on information gleaned from a web site alone hardly seems right given that we have also found that some people don't actually mean what they say and miss out huge bits and that limits are guidelines and finite.  That's the trouble I suppose and I'm getting pretty tired of having my work tossed back into my face and not going out and doing something but this level of defeatism.  Anyway, I'm sure that this will come out later on as I fundamentally disagree with the way that we've capitulated at the first and second hurdles.  Let's hope that the meeting on Monday will solve all of this and that the true nature of the beast is realised.  It's a numbers game but reducing the numbers yourself may not be shrewd.  It's like needing 6 balls to win the lottery and only choosing 4 of them as the other 2 never get pulled?  


So one day it feels good and then next day it feels bad dependent on what bit of news you get and as it is out of my hands a lot of the time, it feels to me that I may as well start to give up now.  I actually thought we would be at this for 6 months or more but it is less than 6 weeks in serious mode and already the white flag is being ready to be run out.


I suppose that I can just make my position clear on it and move on and see where that leaves us or stick to my guns.  In real terms, it leaves us painted into a corner that in reality we shouldn't be in yet.  But that limits the actions we can take and so in that way I think that will bring it to a head quicker and we will see what actions come out of that.  


I can probably start to consider my future beyond this now should we not get anywhere and decide what I'd like to do.  As days go by and we limit ourselves and our potential actions then the opportunity to build the business recedes.  As that happens then the odds get shorter and I need to start to review my options.  It would appear that the business we have that could change millions of lives isn't as important as games that require people to pay real $s for stuff that doesn't exist in real life and call that progress.  Anyway, I digress, it seems such a shame that we may have spent all that time building to this point only to spend a small amount of effort attempting to gain funding.  

Anyway, my mood swings are completely down to that at the moment and of course trying at the same time to resolve my health issues with my BP.  I will get onto that this coming week.   If we aren't doing anything then that means I don't need to do anything either.  I think the rest of the team can take over as I've worked myself to a standstill this week and feel knackered.

Life is up and down at the moment

It's a rocky road at the moment, we are coming across some people who I'm surprised would find it easy to sit the right way up on a toilet.  People have very limited imaginations and try to pigeon hole things they don't understand into things they do.  Invariably they completely miss the whole point of what we are trying to do.  Technical people are the worst as they want to see the solution rather than pull up and away and look at the whole thing.


Oh well, I'm sure this isn't just us who struggle to find people who understand what we have and appreciate why we should bring it to market.  Let's see if the remainder of "smart" people actually go about it trying to work out what it is.


This causes us to question our abilities and whether or not we have done the right thing.  In many ways we beat ourselves up needlessly - in this instance I think we may have provided our audience with too much respect and we may have believed their PR that they are sophisticated and looking for the next big thing.  Most of them can't work out the basic need for the service as they themselves don't see the pain the customer has.  Maybe we need to really break it down into very simple language for them.


Other than that, I'm tired and irritable and not particularly happy just because I'm still concerned that my BP is high - not that I can check that until next week when I get some batteries for my BP Monitor.  

That sort of day

Poor old dad is feeling it these days and a trip to the bathroom takes it out of him and he finds it tiring and his energy levels are all over the place, his diet appears to be an issue as it fluctuates and affects him depending on what it is and it either agrees with him in which case he is fine or disagrees with him and he gets minor set backs.


Cancer is indeed a nasty disease (as I suppose all life threatening and serious illnesses).  By that I mean they rob you of your dignity, your self esteem, your self confidence and you tend to find that you are equally affected by what you think other people think of you and how they treat you.  It affects your relatives and your immediate family.  My mum is obviously affected having to live with her husband of over 50 years disintegrating before her eyes.  I call her everyday to see how dad is but in reality I'm also making sure she is talking to me and getting whatever is on her mind off it.  


We are very much in tune with each other and sometimes we have a long conversation and other times a long one.  It doesn't need to be about anything really does it, just as long as it is someone different to talk to and that's my main purpose in the call.


I'm still feeling a little up and down each day that's just the way it is when after 18 months to 2 years work you don't get any interest in even talking to you.  It makes a big difference if someone just appreciated the effort that had been invested and didn't dismiss it after a few moments reviewing it for key words which is what it feels like.

Melancholy

I have to say that I've been feeling a bit low again, quite sad really and somehow melancholic.  I've had this before and it's a combination of things really.  Raising money for the business is not going well, the UK market is flat and depressed and we are in an equity gap caught between those who can give us a little (which isn't a lot of use) and those whom we don't quite qualify for.  The scale and ambition is also disturbing some and also the difficulty that many people have grasping our concepts because they just don't understand the market we are tackling - so there's a nagging in the back of my mind that we may not make it and doubt is bound to kick in no matter how well we think we have done, how well prepared we are etc.  It doesn't help that someone just gives a cursory glance at your work when you've done 2 years worth and they take 10 minutes and dismiss it.    It show an element of disrespect but of course these people get hundreds of plans every day/week and so you can understand that.


Then there's my apparent backward step in terms of my blood pressure - I'm a little concerned about that as I should be getting to a position where my blood pressure should be much lower and my health much better.  In reality I do feel a lot better and I've lost a fair bit of weight and I'm eating really healthily.  My 15Kg bag of carrots will be no more by tomorrow so it only lasted 9 days!  


Talking with my mum and I spoke to dad briefly on Sunday is also proving a little stressful as he gets weaker and less able to tolerate certain foods.  He's still his normal self, a little more reflective I suppose but still playing to the crowd and the problem is he is getting weaker and weaker, a shower and a shave almost tires him out for the morning.  Life revolves around the TV, eating, drinking, sleeping and fighting the odd bout of pain and just keeping going.  Mum's taking it OK but I have no doubt that it will catch up with her.  My brother is a lot better at the moment as he is taking some hypnotherapy which is helping him to calm down.  He isn't taking it at all well but he is much closer to my parents than I am I suppose.


So a combination of things are making me just feel a little sad in myself, not the "D" word at all, just a little melancholic and a little reflective.  I've thoughts going on about what to do should we not get finance and there are many other avenues open to us.  Our expertise and experience in taking the business this far are of course marketable commodities and yet I'm not absolutely certain that I would welcome going back into the rat race that I came from.  But what could I do in the future?  Well that's an interesting question and I'm wrestling with that now.  My mind is considering options and searching ideas.  I've done my just go to work bit and I hated every minute of it although I enjoyed the Charity, I'm not sure that I could do that every day again especially travelling up to London - perhaps locally.  Then there's the bit about being an employee - so perhaps I'd need to take on a more senior role?  Of course, I still have the genealogy business that I prepared for before taking on the Charity role and I have a lot more connections to explore.  


So my mind is a whir and whilst I haven't given up on things I do need to consider them.  I kind of think that things will very much be what they will be and so in a way I'm not that worried, things will work out and I'm pretty handy being able to do most things and of course, nothing has happened yet.  My brain is just racing away looking at what the possibilities are and also to make sure that I cover off what may happen in the future.  Let's hope that someone actually gets the idea of what we are doing and sticks some investment in so we can move forward.