Was quite good. It was Easter Egg Hunt day and I had a proper breakfast and then we had the hunt which was good and it didn't rain thank goodness. It was cold but we had around 50 kids there today which is up on previous years. I had one small egg there and when I got home got stuck into cheese and crumpets and hot cross buns and had my Easter Egg a day early so I could gorge on that. I feel wiped out after ll of that I have to say and a few beers have made it quite a binge. This time next week we are at a wedding so I expect a similar outcome!
My computer remains looking terminal. It is in intensive care and the diagnostics are still running a couple of days after I started them. It doesn't look good. I suppose I ought to bite the bullet and get an new hard drive and re-build the machine. What a bloody nuisance.
So, off to bed now - my 16th Easter Egg hunt over and done and time to relax, watch the Masters and enjoy the weekend.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Friday, April 06, 2012
Conflicting Reports
Running more diagnostic software it appears that there are indeed a lot of problems with the PC. At worst it is a hard drive fatal error. Running some special software that may repair it but I doubt it.
Have spoken to Mrs. F. about the very real possibility of shutting down the business now and having to decide what I'd like to do next. There's no rush at the moment but I'm just feeling the "loss" I guess. So I'm not in a good place but neither am I morose or downhearted. It's like losing a friend if you know what I mean? I'm just a little sad and wondering what best to do to fill the gap that's left. In fact it's almost like losing your first girlfriend :-) Being dumped I suppose. There's some soul searching going on but it certainly isn't a case of being wrong or right. We specifically had a process to deal with this and having followed that through we are 99% sure that the result couldn't be any different. The 1% we will tackle but that's a case of covering the ground and making sure that it we didn't miss a trick.
So no PC is driving me mad and also with me not too sure what I'm doing means that I'm wandering around without purpose. Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 16th year I've done that. Goodness knows where the time has gone. Looking forward to doing that but I can't help but believe someone younger might want to take it on.
Have spoken to Mrs. F. about the very real possibility of shutting down the business now and having to decide what I'd like to do next. There's no rush at the moment but I'm just feeling the "loss" I guess. So I'm not in a good place but neither am I morose or downhearted. It's like losing a friend if you know what I mean? I'm just a little sad and wondering what best to do to fill the gap that's left. In fact it's almost like losing your first girlfriend :-) Being dumped I suppose. There's some soul searching going on but it certainly isn't a case of being wrong or right. We specifically had a process to deal with this and having followed that through we are 99% sure that the result couldn't be any different. The 1% we will tackle but that's a case of covering the ground and making sure that it we didn't miss a trick.
So no PC is driving me mad and also with me not too sure what I'm doing means that I'm wandering around without purpose. Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 16th year I've done that. Goodness knows where the time has gone. Looking forward to doing that but I can't help but believe someone younger might want to take it on.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
The Cure for the PC - NOT!
Well I found a way of repairing my PC, I ran overnight tests and that did indeed last 10 hours or more - all clear, I then followed some new instructions to remove the problems and it seemed to work but then threw up another more serious error. The last thing you wan to see an imminent hard drive failure. Now call me old fashioned but a newish PC that's just passed a Hard Drive test (that was running all night) really shouldn't happen when it is a software issue!
But that i what it is showing and so I am re-running the tests again. Talk about depressing. Whilst all of my work is backed up off line, it will now probably take me a few days to repair this PC or a few days to set up a new one (and the cost). I'm pretty pissed off as I am meant to be sorting out the accounts today and over the weekend. That looks a far off possibility now though.
My business partner has been here today and we have been talking through shutting the business down. It's sad and all that but if no one will support it then it's no use blindly going on. we know that but needed to settle the requirements for those actions and what we would do in terms of the IP and all the other good stuff we have produced. It is difficult because of the merit of the idea but detaching all emotional attachments and allowing us to move on are the next important steps and that means getting closure on this in some way.
But that i what it is showing and so I am re-running the tests again. Talk about depressing. Whilst all of my work is backed up off line, it will now probably take me a few days to repair this PC or a few days to set up a new one (and the cost). I'm pretty pissed off as I am meant to be sorting out the accounts today and over the weekend. That looks a far off possibility now though.
My business partner has been here today and we have been talking through shutting the business down. It's sad and all that but if no one will support it then it's no use blindly going on. we know that but needed to settle the requirements for those actions and what we would do in terms of the IP and all the other good stuff we have produced. It is difficult because of the merit of the idea but detaching all emotional attachments and allowing us to move on are the next important steps and that means getting closure on this in some way.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Oh Dear PC Woes
I cannot believe that a company would send out an update that just froze my PC. An auto update has fist of all frozen my PC and wont let it start properly (or restart). Just another frustration with modern technology being too clever by half. It is a known issue has been happening on and off for years by the looks of the fora on this.
I can completely rebuild the system or fiddle around with the registry settings and hope that I can make it work again. I've a scan going at the moment to make sure it isn't anything more serious which promises to be complete in 834 minutes! So I'm on the main PC in the house, the server I guess you'd call it. thank goodness that I had already printed out my speeches for tonight or I'd have been in a little bit of do do. Actually I could have gotten around it as these are at least backed up and I could access them from another PC.
It is SO annoying that something that is meant to protect my PC has actually completely knackered it. Remember that I know what I'm doing with PCs and even this has got me scratching my head. The PC wont recover either by itself or with me intervening which is unusual. It doesn't look to be a virus or a trojan it does look to be a crap piece of code that needs to be sorted out. Of course, how a mere mortal is meant to do this is beyond me.
Had a good evening delivering a certificate and a talk about the charities and got £50 donation for charity and a free meal and wine to boot. Also nice to bring back a raffle prize of chocolates for Mrs. F! :-)
I can completely rebuild the system or fiddle around with the registry settings and hope that I can make it work again. I've a scan going at the moment to make sure it isn't anything more serious which promises to be complete in 834 minutes! So I'm on the main PC in the house, the server I guess you'd call it. thank goodness that I had already printed out my speeches for tonight or I'd have been in a little bit of do do. Actually I could have gotten around it as these are at least backed up and I could access them from another PC.
It is SO annoying that something that is meant to protect my PC has actually completely knackered it. Remember that I know what I'm doing with PCs and even this has got me scratching my head. The PC wont recover either by itself or with me intervening which is unusual. It doesn't look to be a virus or a trojan it does look to be a crap piece of code that needs to be sorted out. Of course, how a mere mortal is meant to do this is beyond me.
Had a good evening delivering a certificate and a talk about the charities and got £50 donation for charity and a free meal and wine to boot. Also nice to bring back a raffle prize of chocolates for Mrs. F! :-)
Monday, April 02, 2012
Monday Night
Not much better than earlier on really. Just had the most stupid response back from someone I've ever seen. Flabbergasted hardly covers the complete ineptitude of this person who having got the initial request totally wrong (having being delegated the task by the person I want to talk to) has now got it even more wrong on the second pass, in fact rather than setting up an appointment with the person who has all the answers they have passed me outside of their organisation to a competitor to speak to them. The competitor neither has the ability or the power to speak on their behalf. We are in the land of the surreal here - what were they thinking?
Without actually cutting loose on this imbecile, which is being unkind to imbeciles, I actually need to talk to these people to plan my next move. They've handed my competitors our idea on a plate! I feel that there will be some sort of pain to be felt. I'm not certain if my sarcastic and caustic sense of irony will go down too well so we are just holding back for a short while, draw breath and then "have words".
So that didn't end my day well at all. Additionally I'm feeling hungry but think that is to do with getting up late and not eating straight away. I will get back to routine tomorrow. I also hope to stop the procrastination and get on with these accounts I meant to do.
Without actually cutting loose on this imbecile, which is being unkind to imbeciles, I actually need to talk to these people to plan my next move. They've handed my competitors our idea on a plate! I feel that there will be some sort of pain to be felt. I'm not certain if my sarcastic and caustic sense of irony will go down too well so we are just holding back for a short while, draw breath and then "have words".
So that didn't end my day well at all. Additionally I'm feeling hungry but think that is to do with getting up late and not eating straight away. I will get back to routine tomorrow. I also hope to stop the procrastination and get on with these accounts I meant to do.
Monday - let down
I tend to find getting back to work on a Monday an enjoyable thing I can concentrate on things I want to get done and plan out my week. Not this morning though. I didn't want to get out of bed and just lay there for an hour or so and finally got up and got going but it was just one of those days. I haven't actually done much either. I've made three or four phone calls and that is just about it.
I have a lovely yellow and purple bruise on my arm to remind me of Friday and I'm over a pretty rough Sunday. It's all very quiet at the moment. There's a few things going on out in the ether but for now, no one has come back to us. It is a shame really but that is the way it is. The intensity of working towards this point is diametrically different to what is happening now.
I decided to do my accounts and yet I just cannot be arsed to do them. This is typical I find with me, I know I have to do them and I'm just ramping up the pressure to make sure I do do them and I know that missing today will be OK.
The next problem is sorting out all my paperwork which I think I will tackle this afternoon and get rid of all the accumulation of detritus on my table. Then I can get onto the accounts with a clear desk/table to layout the accounts on.
On Wednesday we will hold a meeting about where we go from here in terms of the business. I am already working on what I want to do. Even though there are some options out there, I need to plan for afterwards as I cannot continue to hold onto something that isn't going to go anywhere at the moment.
So things are low but things that are good include my Blood Pressure - that is pretty regular now in the 130 over 85 range which is much better than I expected. Time to call the Doctors and go get my BP measured I feel. The diet seems to be working well and I'm around 16 stone at the moment. That's varying and will do after Saturday's excesses :-) Back on the diet yesterday and for the rest of this week should, I hope, drop me below 16 stone and towards where I was 5 or 6 years ago. I have a meeting tomorrow to go to and I am delivering a talk on the 4 Masonic Charities in the England and Wales, that I should know a bit about as I used to work in there. They have also asked me to present one of the members of this Lodge with his certificate, a very rare honour indeed for someone not in the Lodge to do this. I hope I do well with that, I've developed a particular way of doing this that many people say they like so tomorrow I'll get to do my party piece to a new audience. It will be a bit one sided I'll be providing most of the entertainment! I think I may end up having to break the diet a bit - but will try not to if possible.
I have a lovely yellow and purple bruise on my arm to remind me of Friday and I'm over a pretty rough Sunday. It's all very quiet at the moment. There's a few things going on out in the ether but for now, no one has come back to us. It is a shame really but that is the way it is. The intensity of working towards this point is diametrically different to what is happening now.
I decided to do my accounts and yet I just cannot be arsed to do them. This is typical I find with me, I know I have to do them and I'm just ramping up the pressure to make sure I do do them and I know that missing today will be OK.
The next problem is sorting out all my paperwork which I think I will tackle this afternoon and get rid of all the accumulation of detritus on my table. Then I can get onto the accounts with a clear desk/table to layout the accounts on.
On Wednesday we will hold a meeting about where we go from here in terms of the business. I am already working on what I want to do. Even though there are some options out there, I need to plan for afterwards as I cannot continue to hold onto something that isn't going to go anywhere at the moment.
So things are low but things that are good include my Blood Pressure - that is pretty regular now in the 130 over 85 range which is much better than I expected. Time to call the Doctors and go get my BP measured I feel. The diet seems to be working well and I'm around 16 stone at the moment. That's varying and will do after Saturday's excesses :-) Back on the diet yesterday and for the rest of this week should, I hope, drop me below 16 stone and towards where I was 5 or 6 years ago. I have a meeting tomorrow to go to and I am delivering a talk on the 4 Masonic Charities in the England and Wales, that I should know a bit about as I used to work in there. They have also asked me to present one of the members of this Lodge with his certificate, a very rare honour indeed for someone not in the Lodge to do this. I hope I do well with that, I've developed a particular way of doing this that many people say they like so tomorrow I'll get to do my party piece to a new audience. It will be a bit one sided I'll be providing most of the entertainment! I think I may end up having to break the diet a bit - but will try not to if possible.
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Not a great start to Sunday
I was in a furious mood - apoplectic almost. Nothing to do with BC or anything like that (or I don't think so), no, just the normal thing of being treated like I'm invisible. So I stomped off for a 3 mile walk around the woods and fields here - very nice, early morning, birds chirping, sun highlighting dappled areas in the woods and so on - all very nice but I missed breakfast and when I got in I thought to have my pills and stuff, didn't eat until lunchtime and have been a bit bear with sore headish all morning.
I'm pretty p1ssed off with this behaviour and went to cool off as it does annoy me occasionally, this is the usual stuff like no one talks to you or they go out and don't tell you and many other such things.
I really didn't feel like eating and I don't really even now - I forced some lunch down but I reckon I probably could have lasted until this evening as yesterday's cheat day loaded me up with lots of forbidden foods and I feel full up with them. It was OK yesterday apart from no beers. I did fancy a beer in the garden but there you go. Had plenty of cheese, bread, pasta and the like to munch on during the day.
I'm spending time weighing up my options and trying to think what I'd like to do. It's a difficult thing really as I also have an option to go back to doing what I used to do and making some serious bucks doing it or to get out of that altogether and just live a simpler and (hopefully) more rewarding life. That also added to my anger this morning as I would question whether what I end up doing is compatible with what everyone else wants. In a way, I've spent a lot of my life doing stuff and building my life using the money that I've produced and now, I'm not sure that is what I really want to continue to do. I'm writing down pipe dreams if for no other reason than to get them out of my head. Then there are those that are possible but affect how near I am to hospital review and that sort of thing - do I have access to the services of a Hospital as good as the one locally to me? All of this is also having an affect on my thinking and my demeanour and some of it is also bound to question how people (family more especially) relate to these.
If they fail to fit in on a day-to-day basis now, what chance to go and do something else? Perhaps the road ahead is a single lane carriageway - just one person wide? That's also part of the thinking, it has to be if I'm to explore all possible things that I want to do.
I'm pretty p1ssed off with this behaviour and went to cool off as it does annoy me occasionally, this is the usual stuff like no one talks to you or they go out and don't tell you and many other such things.
I really didn't feel like eating and I don't really even now - I forced some lunch down but I reckon I probably could have lasted until this evening as yesterday's cheat day loaded me up with lots of forbidden foods and I feel full up with them. It was OK yesterday apart from no beers. I did fancy a beer in the garden but there you go. Had plenty of cheese, bread, pasta and the like to munch on during the day.
I'm spending time weighing up my options and trying to think what I'd like to do. It's a difficult thing really as I also have an option to go back to doing what I used to do and making some serious bucks doing it or to get out of that altogether and just live a simpler and (hopefully) more rewarding life. That also added to my anger this morning as I would question whether what I end up doing is compatible with what everyone else wants. In a way, I've spent a lot of my life doing stuff and building my life using the money that I've produced and now, I'm not sure that is what I really want to continue to do. I'm writing down pipe dreams if for no other reason than to get them out of my head. Then there are those that are possible but affect how near I am to hospital review and that sort of thing - do I have access to the services of a Hospital as good as the one locally to me? All of this is also having an affect on my thinking and my demeanour and some of it is also bound to question how people (family more especially) relate to these.
If they fail to fit in on a day-to-day basis now, what chance to go and do something else? Perhaps the road ahead is a single lane carriageway - just one person wide? That's also part of the thinking, it has to be if I'm to explore all possible things that I want to do.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Cheat Day is here
After protein rich breakfast I've tucked into a cup cake that A made for me - I could feel the hit of the sugar immediately, now having a coffee with a sweetener and milk. I normally only have black unsweetened these days. I'm ready to commence eating forbidden stuff so here I go.....
Friday, March 30, 2012
CT Scan - That went OK
30 minutes wait - then they hadn't gotten me to have a pint of water - which I then had. Get changed into a gown and insert cannula into my arm - not my favourite thing of course. Into the scanner - easy as you like - hold your arms above your head through the scanner, connect you to the dye that they use to "light you up like a Christmas Tree!" apparently but then there was a slight problem.
Did the first set of scans which show up things like Kidney Stones and stuff but they had to give me ml of contrast first and make me wait 10 minutes for it to get through kidneys and into bladder. Having done that I had to roll about 3 or 4 times - yes full 360 degrees whilst on the flat bed! This is to coat the bladder. Then another set of scans. Then there was another set of scans after they'd put some more contrast in. On this occasion I got the side effects - hot flush around the body, metallic taste in mouth and the uncanny feeling that you'd wet yourself. I have a feeling that this lot of contrast dye was no where near what I had before for the Pyleogram which I was x-rayed for about 20 or 30 minutes overall to show the progress of the dye through my Kidneys and tubes etc.
Anyway - all was over and done with quite quickly - I felt fine so walked to the Cafe and had 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, Mushrooms and Tomatoes washed down with a large black coffee. Went via the sweet shop and got myself a 100g bag of Wine Gums for cheat day tomorrow. I see I have cakes and things lined up in the fridge (Yay!)
I needn't have been that worried about it I suppose. It wasn't that bad but I think the experiences I had with the contrast before were when I was quite ill and so made all the worse. I suppose at that time I wasn't even sure if they'd caught the cancer early enough and whether I was going to live or die so I doubt I was in a very good place in my head.
Did the first set of scans which show up things like Kidney Stones and stuff but they had to give me ml of contrast first and make me wait 10 minutes for it to get through kidneys and into bladder. Having done that I had to roll about 3 or 4 times - yes full 360 degrees whilst on the flat bed! This is to coat the bladder. Then another set of scans. Then there was another set of scans after they'd put some more contrast in. On this occasion I got the side effects - hot flush around the body, metallic taste in mouth and the uncanny feeling that you'd wet yourself. I have a feeling that this lot of contrast dye was no where near what I had before for the Pyleogram which I was x-rayed for about 20 or 30 minutes overall to show the progress of the dye through my Kidneys and tubes etc.
Anyway - all was over and done with quite quickly - I felt fine so walked to the Cafe and had 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, Mushrooms and Tomatoes washed down with a large black coffee. Went via the sweet shop and got myself a 100g bag of Wine Gums for cheat day tomorrow. I see I have cakes and things lined up in the fridge (Yay!)
I needn't have been that worried about it I suppose. It wasn't that bad but I think the experiences I had with the contrast before were when I was quite ill and so made all the worse. I suppose at that time I wasn't even sure if they'd caught the cancer early enough and whether I was going to live or die so I doubt I was in a very good place in my head.
Well here goes nothing
Listening to one of my favourite bands from YEARS back. Boston - the sound track to a couple of those great summers you look back on when everything was great, had the car, the girlfriend (whoops not current Mrs. F.) and just were young and crazy. My car was a great, a few years old, automatic and went like something thrown off a stick. We went all over the place, we were always out, the sun always shined (well I think it did!). Great memories taking my mind off the scan.....
The sun is shining out here and I'm pretty much OK with things. A little nervous, not quite as bad as going for an operation but just a little - of course, not having eaten for 4 hours can make your stomach feel like that anyway :-) So - let's go off into the void and see what this experience is like. I've just got to get there and do what they tell me and (of course) it will be what it will be and will take the time it takes. I'm hoping to be able to get to my cafe on the way back and have some good protein but doubt that I'll get the legumes - will have to fill up on those back here.
Ciao
The sun is shining out here and I'm pretty much OK with things. A little nervous, not quite as bad as going for an operation but just a little - of course, not having eaten for 4 hours can make your stomach feel like that anyway :-) So - let's go off into the void and see what this experience is like. I've just got to get there and do what they tell me and (of course) it will be what it will be and will take the time it takes. I'm hoping to be able to get to my cafe on the way back and have some good protein but doubt that I'll get the legumes - will have to fill up on those back here.
Ciao
4 Hours to appointment
No more eating from now on but can drink normally. Will head off for a shower and leave the house at 12, I can easily get there by 12:30 when the appointment is. I have my music with me and my Kindle reader so if I get bored I can read at least. It is a lovely day, nice and sunny so I hope to just have a pleasant stroll there.
I dislike Hospitals at the best of times but I'll get along and go for this - it is going to be a check up mainly and so as long as they don't find anything then I probably wont need another one. I've given myself a reward and that is to come home via the cafe and have a meal on the way home - I will be pretty hungry by then. If I don't feel like that then A can come and pick me up and drive me home. We will see.
I dislike Hospitals at the best of times but I'll get along and go for this - it is going to be a check up mainly and so as long as they don't find anything then I probably wont need another one. I've given myself a reward and that is to come home via the cafe and have a meal on the way home - I will be pretty hungry by then. If I don't feel like that then A can come and pick me up and drive me home. We will see.
Well here we go
CT Scan a little later today so getting ready for that. A had her interview - I do hope that she did OK and of course getting the interview means that you are half way there. I've arranged for the Piano to be delivered and my old piano will now go to a new home too. I hope that they will be able to spend a bit more time on it and bring it up to speed.
I'm in a neutral place at the moment with the scan - it will be what it will be and hopefully I can get that over and done with and then get home and get some food as I'll be starving by then! I need to spend the weekend catching up on accounts as they must be done soon. I suddenly realised that I had started but not completed them.
More in the morning no doubt as I prepare to go off to Hospital.
I'm in a neutral place at the moment with the scan - it will be what it will be and hopefully I can get that over and done with and then get home and get some food as I'll be starving by then! I need to spend the weekend catching up on accounts as they must be done soon. I suddenly realised that I had started but not completed them.
More in the morning no doubt as I prepare to go off to Hospital.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Interview
Well A is of up to London for her interview and good luck to her. Me I'm checking out my MP3 player for tomorrow. I need to look up the details for the CT Scan and I would have thought by this time tomorrow things will be almost complete. I certainly hope so.
I've chatted to my business partner today and we will be discussing where we are going with the business next week. That will be good as I can have the Easter break to sort things out and chat through the options.
I've chatted to my business partner today and we will be discussing where we are going with the business next week. That will be good as I can have the Easter break to sort things out and chat through the options.
A bit happier this morning
I think I managed to get stuff off my chest last night and published two blog posts which were a little too honest and a little too intimate and so I pulled those this morning. What it did was it freed up what was on my mind and that certainly seems to have emptied my head of the rubbish that was there.
I am impressed with this diet. I was worried that things were slowing a bit but today pulling on my trousers and putting my shirt on was encouraging as my trousers are very loose and my shirt just hangs on me (and not my stomach which is no longer protruding out). That's a big improvement but I still need to loose some more. I did a Blood Pressure check and I'm back down to normal as well so that too is encouraging.
Not much is happening but I am dropping A off to the station later as she goes for her interview up in London. I'm probably more on edge than she is.
I am impressed with this diet. I was worried that things were slowing a bit but today pulling on my trousers and putting my shirt on was encouraging as my trousers are very loose and my shirt just hangs on me (and not my stomach which is no longer protruding out). That's a big improvement but I still need to loose some more. I did a Blood Pressure check and I'm back down to normal as well so that too is encouraging.
Not much is happening but I am dropping A off to the station later as she goes for her interview up in London. I'm probably more on edge than she is.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The "D" Word
I don't suppose that anything could have been like it was those almost 6 years ago when I learnt I had cancer and just had no idea what to expect. The ups and downs of that time were pretty horrible and black and terrifying and so what I'm going through today ought to be small beer to that. I've had one of my "emotional" days today. It sounds pretty silly and in a way it is but in other ways you have to understand that this is where a lot of people start off from, something silly, something small, something that to you or I may be inconsequential and yet in so many ways it isn't minor at all.
Today is a series of things really. My dad isn't getting any better - well you wouldn't expect him to but he's getting weaker and frailer by the day and we all know where it is heading and perhaps it is finally sinking in for me? Then there's the work situation which is depressing of course as it appears no one these days has any vision and no one wants to invest and yet they are all "mouthing off" about innovation, next thing, multi million pound businesses etc and yet they don't really mean it. Then there's the "what am I going to do next" scenarios and then it begins to start gnawing away at me. "What if!" 0 that should be banned from the language :-) You can't do anything about history - it's in the past and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and yet I beat myself up over my past but that's happened - logically I know this, it isn't important and yet there it goes and it is upsetting. Then there's the bit about what do I want to do and once again that's in the future and hasn't happened yet and I know that too. Sure I can make plans and think about it but to what effect.
So I find myself in this sort of trough of depression and yet I know that I shouldn't even be there. It's lovely here, the sun is out, it is beautifully warm, I'm going off to meet lots of friends and have a good evening and yet somehow my brain won't let me enjoy it. It will be forgotten tonight but I think I might need to tip Mrs. F. off that I'm not in a good place at the moment just in case she hasn't worked that out for herself. It could of course all be down to Friday's CT Scan but I doubt it.
Anyway - I recognise these things and just work on a way to get through them and that tends to work itself out in the end.
Today is a series of things really. My dad isn't getting any better - well you wouldn't expect him to but he's getting weaker and frailer by the day and we all know where it is heading and perhaps it is finally sinking in for me? Then there's the work situation which is depressing of course as it appears no one these days has any vision and no one wants to invest and yet they are all "mouthing off" about innovation, next thing, multi million pound businesses etc and yet they don't really mean it. Then there's the "what am I going to do next" scenarios and then it begins to start gnawing away at me. "What if!" 0 that should be banned from the language :-) You can't do anything about history - it's in the past and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and yet I beat myself up over my past but that's happened - logically I know this, it isn't important and yet there it goes and it is upsetting. Then there's the bit about what do I want to do and once again that's in the future and hasn't happened yet and I know that too. Sure I can make plans and think about it but to what effect.
So I find myself in this sort of trough of depression and yet I know that I shouldn't even be there. It's lovely here, the sun is out, it is beautifully warm, I'm going off to meet lots of friends and have a good evening and yet somehow my brain won't let me enjoy it. It will be forgotten tonight but I think I might need to tip Mrs. F. off that I'm not in a good place at the moment just in case she hasn't worked that out for herself. It could of course all be down to Friday's CT Scan but I doubt it.
Anyway - I recognise these things and just work on a way to get through them and that tends to work itself out in the end.
It can't be that difficult
I'm sure that I'll be quite upbeat about this after Friday and say how easy it all was and how I worried about nothing :-) And that's the thing really, I mean how bad can this be for someone who's had a catheter shoved up you know where without anaesthetic :-) That's the thing, I've had far worse things than lying in a big moving X-Ray machine. I'm probably more worried about the dye than anything as I didn't particularly react well to that last time but as I keep reminding myself I'd just had major surgery no more than a week or two before and I was still very weak and although I hate to admit it, I was pretty poorly too.
So I am not so anxious today - I have no idea if it was this or speaking to my mum - as dad's not particularly great at the moment. He's still doing well but getting weaker and it is all just hard work for him to get up and around. His mind of course is as sharp as ever and so he knows what is going on. Perhaps it was that? I'm going up to see him in a couple of weeks.
Added to that is the knowledge that we are also getting towards the end game for the business too. No matter how good an idea it is, how well thought through and documented, if no one will invest then it will be consigned to the pile like many others before and no doubt afterwards. It was always an option and we have planned for it but the disappointment and inability for people to get away from traditional ideas is frightening. People are also not great listeners or readers which is shocking considering that their job is to think laterally, think differently, read and absorb information quickly etc. In fact, it shows how conditioned people must become if they can't grasp some simple truths and realise there is another way to tackle these. Ho hum...
So whilst that looks to be coming up on the horizon, we have been seeking funding for 6 months and our cut-off is at the end of April. We initially envisaged a one year time frame but that was before just the two of us were left as half the team bailed out. So two years effort, a significant investment of our time and perhaps little to show for it, other than the idea and the name :-) Oh well, it had to be done to confirm the idea and to see if it would see the light of day. Without doubt that is playing away at the back of my mind a bit. Anyway - let's see what the latest contacts will be able to do for us.
So I am not so anxious today - I have no idea if it was this or speaking to my mum - as dad's not particularly great at the moment. He's still doing well but getting weaker and it is all just hard work for him to get up and around. His mind of course is as sharp as ever and so he knows what is going on. Perhaps it was that? I'm going up to see him in a couple of weeks.
Added to that is the knowledge that we are also getting towards the end game for the business too. No matter how good an idea it is, how well thought through and documented, if no one will invest then it will be consigned to the pile like many others before and no doubt afterwards. It was always an option and we have planned for it but the disappointment and inability for people to get away from traditional ideas is frightening. People are also not great listeners or readers which is shocking considering that their job is to think laterally, think differently, read and absorb information quickly etc. In fact, it shows how conditioned people must become if they can't grasp some simple truths and realise there is another way to tackle these. Ho hum...
So whilst that looks to be coming up on the horizon, we have been seeking funding for 6 months and our cut-off is at the end of April. We initially envisaged a one year time frame but that was before just the two of us were left as half the team bailed out. So two years effort, a significant investment of our time and perhaps little to show for it, other than the idea and the name :-) Oh well, it had to be done to confirm the idea and to see if it would see the light of day. Without doubt that is playing away at the back of my mind a bit. Anyway - let's see what the latest contacts will be able to do for us.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Trepidation
I was going to say it was unlike me but in fact it is exactly like me to be a little concerned over Friday's CT Scan. I suppose I'm only a little concerned because of the previous experience. I've decided that I'll sort myself out on Thursday with some music and bits so that I can chill on the way there and I'll take my Kindle to read too.
I'm somewhat surprised about the costs I'm receiving to move the Piano but then again, things have gone up a bit since the last time I did it. Indeed it looks to be about double but then I think I've had this Piano for about 10 years now so that could be about right :-) It is a fair distance to move it.
I'm going to turn in to bed early again tonight as I really need some sleep and to just chill out. For some reason I'm a little on edge tonight and I can't for the life of me work out why that should be.
I'm somewhat surprised about the costs I'm receiving to move the Piano but then again, things have gone up a bit since the last time I did it. Indeed it looks to be about double but then I think I've had this Piano for about 10 years now so that could be about right :-) It is a fair distance to move it.
I'm going to turn in to bed early again tonight as I really need some sleep and to just chill out. For some reason I'm a little on edge tonight and I can't for the life of me work out why that should be.
Butter Beans and Exciting News
I soaked the Butter Beans overnight and cooked those up this morning - all now put away in the Freezer ready for my meals. Not sure if I'll do the Haricots tomorrow or later on in the week. Have been having some twitchy moments about having the scan on Friday but not enough to get too worried about it. It can't be anywhere near as bad as the IVU thing I had which truly was the lowest moment of my diagnosis but, to be fair, I wasn't very well when I had it done and so that had a lot to do with it.
So exciting news. What could be so exciting? Well, you may recall I used to have two pianos but had to give one up as Mrs. F. didn't want two in the house - I can't blame her really. I kept the family heirloom, a piano Made by my Great Great Uncle's company it therefore has A Ferdinando on the key board cover and inside on the frame. However, this is no musical instrument and was in a bad state when I got it. We have done our best but it will never truly function as a musical instrument and would never have made concert pitch ever.
This next bit is sad and exciting. My 2nd cousins who are descended from Great Great Uncle Arthur were the first to show me a Ferdinando piano, one passed down through the family and it is in great condition and still playable. The sad news is that their mother recently died and the house has to be cleared and none of the boys has room for it. I've spoken to Mrs. F. and as long as I swap it for the piano I have now, we can bring it here and continue to look after it as a lasting heirloom of the family. So it is sad that it is no longer going to stay in their family but I'm excited to be the custodian of it for a little while. I can write up that Piano's history and ensure that its providence is documented and it can hopefully continue on as a piece of history, a nice piece of furniture and as an instrument as this one actually plays.....
So, I am excited about this as it allows me to have a fully functioning Ferdinando piano in the house and use the other one as spares or to pass on to someone else in the family. I will be able to look after this one on behalf of the family and for future generations.
So exciting news. What could be so exciting? Well, you may recall I used to have two pianos but had to give one up as Mrs. F. didn't want two in the house - I can't blame her really. I kept the family heirloom, a piano Made by my Great Great Uncle's company it therefore has A Ferdinando on the key board cover and inside on the frame. However, this is no musical instrument and was in a bad state when I got it. We have done our best but it will never truly function as a musical instrument and would never have made concert pitch ever.
This next bit is sad and exciting. My 2nd cousins who are descended from Great Great Uncle Arthur were the first to show me a Ferdinando piano, one passed down through the family and it is in great condition and still playable. The sad news is that their mother recently died and the house has to be cleared and none of the boys has room for it. I've spoken to Mrs. F. and as long as I swap it for the piano I have now, we can bring it here and continue to look after it as a lasting heirloom of the family. So it is sad that it is no longer going to stay in their family but I'm excited to be the custodian of it for a little while. I can write up that Piano's history and ensure that its providence is documented and it can hopefully continue on as a piece of history, a nice piece of furniture and as an instrument as this one actually plays.....
Monday, March 26, 2012
Overdone food
Oh dear - I completely over cooked the Turkey and A's was like crispy bacon :-( Ooopsss. Oh well, there you go - I've been told NOT to grill it next time. I should have done it in the oven in some foil....
That's the trouble. I'm cooking for 3 of us and I'm having something different to them - doing it myself I'm fine but having to cook other stuff at the same time is a nightmare. Normally I'm OK doing this but I wasn't prepared and my mate was delayed getting here.
I managed to stuff down plenty of beans with my meal so am back on the straight and narrow now. Have put some butter beans in soak for tomorrow so I'll prepare those and freeze them.
That's the trouble. I'm cooking for 3 of us and I'm having something different to them - doing it myself I'm fine but having to cook other stuff at the same time is a nightmare. Normally I'm OK doing this but I wasn't prepared and my mate was delayed getting here.
I managed to stuff down plenty of beans with my meal so am back on the straight and narrow now. Have put some butter beans in soak for tomorrow so I'll prepare those and freeze them.
And Another Thing
Which I just realised was that I forgot to add some legumes to my lunch which is a minor disaster now - half way through the afternoon... I feel slightly hungry now and I don't normally and it was one of those "moment" that you get when you try and work out quite what you've done wrong and then I saw the container with the black eye beans and realised! Doh... Oh well I will have to have them all at tea time. I am cooking a rather nice looking bit of Turkey which will go down well and just need to make sure I get that all prepared as I'm cooking for three tonight and of course, my meal is subtly different to theirs.
I'm sitting here reviewing what I want to do should we be unable to raise funds for our venture. It's looking more and more likely that that will happen and so I'm working on a mind map of my options, my dreams, my needs and so on. It has been interesting so far because there are some interesting things coming out of it including the wish not to want to commute - believe me commuting in and out of London each day really is the pits and I'm blowed if I'm going to do that without a significantly good excuse. Also interesting that I'm not particularly bothered about going back into any of the high powered jobs I used to hold. There's a reluctance to get back into the high stress lifestyle I used to have. Interesting exercise developing the ideas, reviewing the dream things (or are they) and reviewing the options. It is nice to look at living and working on a Canal Boat or things that I could do associated with that - except that the nearest canals are the other side of London to here or indeed further afield. Interesting life but not certain that it will be as idyllic as it looks or is made out to be.
Like many things in life, the stuff that looks to be fun and rewarding probably aren't :-) It is good though to go through this process and list all these things out and start to get some ideas formulated I find.
I'm sitting here reviewing what I want to do should we be unable to raise funds for our venture. It's looking more and more likely that that will happen and so I'm working on a mind map of my options, my dreams, my needs and so on. It has been interesting so far because there are some interesting things coming out of it including the wish not to want to commute - believe me commuting in and out of London each day really is the pits and I'm blowed if I'm going to do that without a significantly good excuse. Also interesting that I'm not particularly bothered about going back into any of the high powered jobs I used to hold. There's a reluctance to get back into the high stress lifestyle I used to have. Interesting exercise developing the ideas, reviewing the dream things (or are they) and reviewing the options. It is nice to look at living and working on a Canal Boat or things that I could do associated with that - except that the nearest canals are the other side of London to here or indeed further afield. Interesting life but not certain that it will be as idyllic as it looks or is made out to be.
Like many things in life, the stuff that looks to be fun and rewarding probably aren't :-) It is good though to go through this process and list all these things out and start to get some ideas formulated I find.
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