Two Weeks In - Can You See the Real Me?

MInd out a bit of "adult" language in the clip!!! Then this clip came to mind.

After two weeks I can relate to this album so much and finally I'm getting my head around things.  It's hellishly complicated and what in my life hasn't been eh?  It wouldn't be me without convoluted issues and twists and turns going on.  I feel as if I've finally "seen the light" and not so much in a religious way although I'm certain that there is some underlying connection so let me expand.

Two weeks ago today I set off on a voyage of change and discovery.  All my life I've been a cold calculating machine of a guy.  I doubt that I was ever spontaneous or just did things for the craic as they say.  Sure I had a lot of fun but in reality I was the one keeping an eye on the rest and with few exceptions I'd dump them and go home rather than lose control of myself say for example we were out drinking.  I'd be the one scanning for any signs of trouble and keeping everyone safe and out of harms way. I'd do all the planning and organising because that's what I excel at (see what I did there stuck in the spreadsheet program!)

For years and years I've done the same thing and I can't help it, it's in my DNA, it's who I am.  My Psychometric Profile is that of an INTJ. Here is what an INTJ is like from this site.  

The INTJ personality type is one of the rarest and most interesting types – comprising only about 2% of the U.S. population (INTJ females are especially rare – just 0.8%), INTJs are often seen as highly intelligent and perplexingly mysterious.  INTJ personalities radiate self-confidence, relying on their huge archive of knowledge spanning many different topics and areas. INTJs usually begin to develop that knowledge in early childhood (the “bookworm” nickname is quite common among INTJs) and keep on doing that later on in life.

When someone with the INTJ personality has mastered their chosen area of knowledge (INTJs can find their strengths in several fields), they can quickly and honestly say whether they know the answer to a specific question. INTJs know what they know and more importantly – they are confident in that knowledge. Unsurprisingly, this personality type can be labelled as the most independent of all types. INTJs are very decisive, original and insightful – these traits push other people to accept the INTJ’s ideas simply because of that sheer willpower and self-confidence. However, INTJ personalities do not seek nor enjoy the spotlight and may often decide to keep their opinions to themselves if the topic of discussion does not interest them that much.

INTJ personalities are perfectionists and they enjoy improving ideas and systems they come in contact with. As INTJs are naturally curious, this tends to happen quite frequently. However, they always try to remain in the rational territory no matter how attractive the end goal is – every idea that is generated by the INTJ’s mind or reaches it from the outside needs to pass the cold-blooded filter called “Is this going to work?”. This is the INTJ’s coping mechanism and they are notorious for applying it all the time, questioning everything and everyone.

INTJ personalities also have an unusual combination of both decisiveness and vivid imagination. What this means in practice is that they can both design a brilliant plan and execute it. Imagine a giant chessboard where the pieces are constantly moving, trying out new tactics, always directed by an unseen hand – this is what the INTJ’s imagination is like. An INTJ would assess all possible situations, calculate strategic and tactical moves, and more often than not develop a contingency plan or two as well. If someone with the INTJ personality type starts working with a new system, they will regard the task as a moral obligation, merging their perfectionism and drive into one formidable force. Anyone who does not have enough talent or simply does not see the point, including the higher ranks of management, will immediately and likely permanently lose their respect.

INTJ personalities also often shoulder the burden of making important decisions without consulting their peers. They are natural leaders and excellent strategists, but willingly give way to others vying for a leadership position, usually people with Extroverted personalities (E personality type). However, such action can be deceptive and maybe even calculated. An INTJ will retreat into the shadows, maintaining their grip on the most important decisions – but as soon as the leader fails and there is a need to take the steering wheel, the INTJ will not hesitate to act, maybe even while staying in the background. The INTJ personality is the ultimate “Man behind the curtain”.

INTJs dislike rules and artificial limitations – everything should be questionable and open to re-evaluation. They may be idealists (impossible is nothing) and cynics (everybody lies) at the same time. Whatever the circumstances, you can always rely on the INTJ to “fill in” the gaps in the idea – they are most likely to come up with an unorthodox solution.

Generally speaking, INTJs usually prefer to work in the area they know very well. Their typical career is related to science or engineering, but they can be found anywhere where there is a need of intelligence, restless mind and insight (law, investigations, some academic fields). INTJ personalities rarely seek managerial positions – if they do, this is probably because they need more power and freedom of action, not because they enjoy managing people.

Every personality type has many weak spots and INTJs are not an exception. There is one area where their brilliant mind often becomes completely useless and may even hinder their efforts – INTJs find it very difficult to handle romantic relationships, especially in their earliest stages. People with this personality type are more than capable of loving and taking care of the people close to them, but they are likely to be completely clueless when it comes to attracting a partner.


The main reason behind this is that INTJ personalities are both private and incredibly rational – they find it very difficult to understand the complex social rituals that are considered part of the dating game, especially in Western societies. Things like flirting or small talk are unnatural to them; furthermore, INTJs (especially females) tend to see typical attraction tactics (such as feigning disinterest) as incredibly stupid and irrational. Ironically, INTJs are most likely to attract a partner when they stop looking for them – this is when their self-confidence starts shining again. There are few things that are more attractive than the unrelenting self-confidence that INTJs are known for.

If I were to write what I'm like I'd probably write that.  I find the last two paragraphs particularly interesting as I don't get any of that at all :-)  It at once tells you all that is right and all that is wrong with me.  I live in a world where my brain is in overdrive all the time and it never stops whirring and thinking and coming up with ideas, trying to sort out where I am, what I'm doing here and thousands of other computations.  I have great friends - they know this I think - I get "taken out" of this land on occasion and try and let my hair (what's left of it) down.  

What changed was that I found that I didn't want to live like this anymore.  I wanted a different life, to try and be the opposite of what I am, to act spontaneously without thinking too hard about it.  To do things without analysing why I was doing them.  A simple walk in the park is not a simple walk in the park for me.  I am reminded of the film a Beautiful Mind although I could only wish to have a mind like the one portrayed in the film.  

Here is the possibly the extreme of my particular problem and if you've seen the film you will recognise the torment that can be my head sometimes.   I think about everything and I research and strategize - I don't always get it right and I alter and adapt I understand my subject - even if it is new to me I will become a subject matter expert quickly and I will use that knowledge and build businesses or help someone that is my great gift and a gift I now recognise it is for it serves me particularly well and generally only lets me down occasionally but it doesn't let me live life, get on with life, enjoy life for life's sake, wonder at the glories of the world without wanting to capture and dissect the butterfly to see how it manages to fly.

Since bladder cancer came and woke me up to the fact that I was mortal - for I had not strategized on that much - I had no real idea of the outside world in terms of beauty and wonderment.  Niagara Falls when I visited it was a stream of huge numbers and statistics not a wonder of the natural world.  My eyes experienced things in a different way and I so much wanted to just experience these things for what they are wonders of creation and our world.  There's so much cynicism and anger in this world and yet beauty is all around us and I saw it as a science project not an experience to be savoured for the emotional reactions it made in your body - you see I almost started talking about the chemical balances and what happens in your body when you smell or sense or see something.  

So - hope you are with me so far?  I looked back at my blog and the "troubles" I've encountered and I've encountered more than I thought these past 7 years and it is 7 years today that it all started.  Through early guilt and trauma, dealing with staring at death, dealing with treatment and the shock and awe that regime meted out on me.  The post traumatic type stress and the utter fatigues afterwards and my aimless wandering in the employment vacuum.  Just some of the stuff I've endured and some I am sure is self inflicted some goes with the territory and I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy.  It is a devious pernicious disease that eats you up mentally and physically.

So I wanted a change and someone came along who spoke to me of a different world and a different life, different value systems and above all the simple things in life, those simple pleasures we all take for granted UNLESS you happen to be like me that is.  It sounded wonderful and I determined that is what I must do.  I must forget logic and plans, risks and issues, contingency plans, safety nets needed to go, it needed to be a concerted effort and a leap of faith to get myself out of where I was and get on the route to somewhere better.

It has been the most difficult transition of my life it's really hard work to keep to it.  I feel like I'm Mr. Spock being asked to play a parlour game.  There's no Logic to it and that's the thing isn't it, to throw all that stuff away and stop pulling the wings off flies and seeing everything like a scientist does.  

I had the most awful day I can remember for such a long time yesterday and finally dawned on me that today 7 years ago my life really did change in a big way.  I lost my dream job and I lost a huge chunk of my life really.  I lost my self confidence, my self belief, my ego, my self esteem.  I lost my dignity - you can't believe what lying down on a bed without your trousers and pants in and having instruments shoved up your Penis can do to you?  Maybe you can - must be more than 40 times I've had that done to me maybe more.  There's no dignity in cancer or its treatment, there's mental torture and there's pain, there's hope as well but mainly in just gets a big bat and beats you around the body and smacks your brain into porridge.  

So there I was wallowing  in my own head for all this time and now I've been shown a way out and this hand is extended towards me to pull me out of this pit of self made inward looking almost narcissistic behaviour.  It looks good and this hand of friendship is given without precondition.  Come and savour a new life, one without inward reflection, without all the analysis and theorising, come out into the sun and blink at its magnificence, come and meet new friends, enjoy their company (and they yours), walk upright into this brave new world. 

Then the most difficult thing for a scientist to encompass surely is love. For surely there has to be love and it has to be unconditional and it has to be true.  I struggle with this of course because it's all chemical signals and stuff but that's the point.  Instead of it being a load of chemicals and pheromones and stuff I need to rethink my ideas and let go and let everything in that I've batted away for so long.  I am trying to get to a state of mind where I will be able to be at peace with myself, to actually like myself (I hate myself at the moment) to build my self esteem, self confidence and self belief back up and to love myself for what I am not hate myself for what I am not.  Once I get that into my head I can perhaps open up to enjoy my life again and perhaps find a life and find love to go with it.

Here's hoping that I don't screw this up and can keep to the plan - arggggh there is no plan remember! :-) Oh yes it has to be fun and it has to be joyful as well .  Not much to ask!

In Blog Overdrive Today

What a day today has been since the moment I woke until now around about 10 pm my whole head has been in turmoil and in the most awful place.  It hasn't all been black and despairing like it was years ago but it shook me completely and it took me quite by surprise catching me fully off my guard.

It didn't start like that at all it started with a vivid waking dream that truly upset me and then it morphed into the blog posts you see below here.  I feel I've fought off the Devil and his hordes today.  I'm exhausted and found myself to be far more fragile than I thought I was.  I thought I'd toughened up a bit in the past 6 months.  I'm certainly physically fitter, another belt notch today and stomach is beginning to go flat - yay hay!  But for sure, my head isn't strong and then of course it became blindingly obvious what it was.  Was glad I kept writing and eventually found out what was bugging me.  I'm in for a full slap from my mate Flocky Bicep for over analysing but hey, I'll take what's coming, this is just a blip in the process but an annual one that I must get ready for next year - I never ever want to feel like I did earlier today it was awful.  

In many ways, you do live this stuff out yourself too - not too many people to help you.  I have a couple of friends who will help and one who had the same experiences as me at the same time so we really do "get it" and bless him he was also not in a great place today.  So July is my bogey month - just have to deal with that as time goes by.  Tomorrow I am being taken out a few days early for my birthday which is on the 4th - my father died last year on the 3rd so I had a strange birthday last year.

Had a very good friend text me this evening and that suddenly turned me around and I feel so much better and whilst I'm emotionally drained I feel that it is over now and the blog posts helped purge the soul and I can calm down now and just get over it.  

In effect there are some very poignant bits of those posts which I will leave as they are because they came straight out of my head as I was typing.  It shows that you may have to deal with some strange things going on in your head long after you feel you were cured.

I hope I have a good night's sleep tonight I don't need any horrific dreams or sad ones either for that matter.  

What a wobbly day

Phew what a bloody roller coaster ride today has been.  Could it be that simple that it is just that July holds bad memories for me and it's at the back of my mind?  Maybe it could indeed be that.  My friend who also had cancer at the same time as me tells me that he too isn't in a good place at the moment.  We both recall the warm weather and the operations we had.  We were lucky that we had each other to talk to during the recovery periods and we spent ages meeting up and having lunch and comparing notes.

I still feel I've never really let it all out after that.  I've never actually grieved for myself if that is at all possible or meaningful?  Maybe it's all locked up and needs purging at some point in time.  I've never really had a massive celebration either - remember saying how much I appreciated actually making 50 years old at my party as I didn't think I'd see past it at my 49th :-)

Would be nice to draw a line in the ground now and step over it and everything nasty in the past was erased and I could go and get on with my new life.  Would like to be that brave to throw off the old and just get on with the new. Brave new world often felt that it would come down to something like that and in many ways it may just clear down the past.

It would be nice if you could do what you do with a computer and clean out the cache - scrub out the 6/7 years and move on, nothing to see here, move along now come on.  

It's As If You Don't Want Me To Succeed

There's something not quite right about the way that my mind screws with me.  It's as if all the negative thoughts and negative vibes are stored away and neatly filed ready to undermine me at any time, in any situation and just hover like the sword of Damocles ready to strike.

For reasons that aren't apparently obvious to you the reader because I choose not to tell you I need to be at the top of my game now, I have been given something wonderful that has the potential to change my life from now on, to give me the direction that has been lacking (why did you survive etc) there's a bright future, I can see it, I can almost touch it it's just there just slightly out of reach of my fingertips.  It's like one of those movies where you are dangling from a precipice with thousands of feet to drop to your death.  Above you is your salvation hand reaching out but we don't know in the film plot whether or not they will offer their hand and we don't know whether, if offered, the hand will be taken by the person hanging on for dear life.

So there we are it's all being played out, there's survival, redemption, a happy ending waiting in the hand dangling down towards me, the sun is out behind that person I can't see their expression yet but I know I want to be rescued and go up there away from this danger.  Hanging on there I'm full of adrenalin and fear.  Just as I'm about to reach up and grab the hand suddenly I feel a huge weight on my legs pulling down on me threatening to drag me back down into the dark abyss.  I look down and it's all my demons unlocked from my head clawing at my legs pulling me down into their world.  

I'm in a middle ground here, I'm strong enough to hold on and stop being pulled down but controlling them stops me from reaching up to the hand that is there.  My mind plays tricks on me to the extreme, if I reach up will the hand be pulled away.  I trust the owner of this hand, they wouldn't do that.  But the demons taunt me and suggest and whisper and play to my innermost fears.  Does the hand exist at all they say, is it strong enough? Do you really know they will pull you in? In my heart or hearts it says reach up grab that hand for all you are worth.  Once you've grabbed it never let it go.

I can't hang on for ever I realise and I need to make a decision. The fear is that I don't make the decision at all or that I reach out and I miss that hand entirely. Sometimes it's not easy being me at all.  At the moment I can taste it - let's call it freedom shall we - breaking the bonds that hold me down, being free, cutting loose.  The demons are the manifestation of the extremes of the risks and the stuff I need to leave behind.  My head is a train wreck all twisted metal and dismembered parts.  

I think I can blame Bladder Cancer squarely for this and also the trauma of the treatment too.  I often said that the NHS (God bless them) treat the symptoms of the cancer and they do that well but it's just like anything else, a broken leg maybe, reset it, plaster it, few drugs, let nature take her course, off with the plaster, take it easy, good as new.  And so it is with many things I guess but cancer, that's different and they don't treat your mind.

Someone once asked me whether I thought I would die and I remember saying that yes I did - it was truly a moment of massive introverted thinking.  The dawning of what it may mean to leave everyone behind was a salutary lesson to me.  I've always looked at it that we all die but suddenly I didn't want to go then.  I think I remember wanting to see my kids graduate, perhaps get married or settle down and look after themselves was the main thing because 7 years ago tomorrow would be when I got ill.

NOW THERE YOU GO.... What do you reckon just happened there then????  7 years since I got ill - it must be plugged into my brain mustn't it.

1st July - my Mum's Birthday
2nd July - I get Cancer
3rd July - my Dad dies
4th July - my birthday

Oh FFS - could this be what it was all about all along?   Knew being able to blog today would be useful - bloody hell was it on the back of my mind all along?  Can't be it isn't the 2nd July yet.

Usefulness of Blogging

On days like these it is invaluable to me to just unload onto the blog.   I don't remember ever being a complicated person or indeed a particularly deep thinker, worrier or much else before I had cancer.  I would never have run a daily journal let alone a blog. 

Blogs are cathartic because you can do a number of things with them - I imagine you could hone your writing and storytelling skills, you can use it for fiction or fact or a line somewhere in between.

You can tell the truth, half truth or lie.  You can run a journal of random thoughts a bit like this one or be more focussed on a subject.  

To me the usefulness of blogging is actually like today.  I need to go talk to someone or write it down to analyse it if you will.  I actually know that I'm meant to be following a path of not analysing stuff but somehow today was like going back 3 or 4 years to days of the Black Dog to days of real anguish and pain and suffering and well I shouldn't be feeling this right now I shouldn't be digging up the old stuff.  I thought I'd got away from all of that and I thought I was stronger than all that.  

Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I decided to change my life for ever to get rid of all the shackles that had bound me mind and body.  It is never going to happen overnight and without resistance to change - we are humans and we actually don't embrace change as well as we like to think we do.  In many ways there's a feeling especially for someone with my particularly "tight" ordered mind that you are launching yourself off an abyss, that is why it is so hard for me to do it.  The unknown doesn't sit comfortably with me, I want to know, be in control all the time and to be prepared to give up the things that make me, me is a huge ask.  But that's what I did for better or worse and so far it has been a struggle, it hasn't been plain sailing but then again, some of the rewards so far have more than made up for it.

Today is a flashback day, my body and my mind are fighting it out and my mind has resorted to dirty tactics.  Fighting dirty is I suppose one way and maybe if that's the last resort then maybe I'm on the way to winning but it is the depravity of my mind's comments the vicious way it accuses me and the torment going on in my head I don't like.  How can your own mind wish such wanton destruction on itself?   Don't get this wrong it isn't anywhere near suicidal thoughts or that sort of thing far from it.  This is a constant series of bullying snipes at my self belief and self esteem system.  It's as if you are being bullied all the time but it's in your head.

Stuff like, and yet it appears trivial, you failed at being a father, or you haven't had a job for a while because you aren't any good, you shouldn't have survived cancer, you are a failure and so many other things like this but some too distressing to put to paper.  Being told you aren't good enough for someone or anything to do with some sort of rejection are the worst I find.  These things aren't even remotely true and don't stand up to scrutiny - that's the thing they aren't even rational thoughts.  What they are, are a constant stream of negative energy eating away at me and my self confidence (what little of that I have) and its just intent on pulling me down - it doesn't want me to be happy, it nit picks on any slight doubt I have and goes for it.

So I have a doubt about something let's say, I was worried about something I'd said to someone and wasn't sure if they'd heard that right.  It would worry me a little but now what is happening is it gets blown out of all proportion by my head and suddenly its a full blown crises and I start to doubt myself.  I know what this is, I have to deal with it and now because whilst I've always had this constant "head battle" since I got cancer I don't need this right now, I need something different I need the real me to be talking inside my head not the demons.

I've never needed the real me to be there for me more than now, to guide and help me, to finally make me believe in myself and to "be me" to help me to form the right sentences that mean what they say and that aren't trite.  To look into people's eyes when I speak to them, to stop looking at the floor or elsewhere, to be self confident, to show the real me, to be the real me.  Now more than ever when I've picked myself up from all the cr@p that's come my way, where I've got something to strive for, to live for, to aspire to, now, when I need the backbone and the courage to get rid of my inhibitions and shyness, my lack of self confidence and low self esteem just when I get some way towards that - the bloody demons come and threaten to take it all away.  It's not fair and I feel it eat at my chest and my head like some poison not wanting me to move on and not wanting me to be free.

This is a pretty upsetting blog for me as it made me realise that despite all the good stuff going on in my life right now there is still so much inner turmoil to get rid of.  I can actually feel the stress as I am catching my breath a fair bit and feeling a little sick.  I don't think that this is like it was 6 years ago at all, it is just a lot of self doubt and not knowing how to handle situations using my heart and not my brain. 

It was never going to be easy to travel down a road that I am unfamiliar with - whilst all this is happening to me, I don't intend to turn away from it, good will win and I will conquer this - it's just and if I might address my inner mind here "I DON'T FFFFING WELL NEED THIS RIGHT NOW SO P!SS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!"  there, that's better.  

I need a hug :-) 

Sleepless in somewhere that isn't Seattle

Sometimes I don't get stuff.  If things aren't crystal clear and I know exactly what is being said I get very confused.  I can't compute phrases that disguise perhaps another meaning.  Of course I can get day to day wordplay but this is different.  This is where things are said in code, things are said that may perhaps be the opposite of what they mean.  

Few words were said yesterday and I just didn't understand them.  Tried to get my head around them but suddenly it was as if I'd never learnt English at school because I ran out of words to say to respond.  I felt like I was in a room of strangers and unable to attract any attention or have anything to say or to start a conversation with.  I don't think I've ever felt so utterly alone before - this was just for a few minutes it was absolutely terrifying to me and completely shook me to the core.  I've never ever been in such a strange place/world before.

In many ways I don't understand the meaning behind the words but what I took them to mean was to perhaps jump to conclusions  perhaps reach into my mind and pick up on all those pieces of ammunition I beat myself up with.  For suddenly I was using my own self doubt and anti self confidence bullets to beat myself up mentally and that was it.  It was like being assaulted by your own thoughts and beaten into a corner with all those doubts and stinging criticisms about yourself only your own mind can conjure up.  They didn't stop although I managed to stave off some of the attack, they kicked ten bells of sh1t out of me whilst I slept and when I woke this morning I felt I'd done a full ten rounds.

I actually woke feeling relatively OK considering I should be in the darkest depths after that onslaught.  I do feel weak and a little emotional this morning but that's just because of how hurtful my brain was to me last night.

I can't perhaps tell you how upsetting it is to have this as during the dark days of Bladder Cancer, during those treatments and the traumatic stress that they induced, these "voices" were always clawing at my self confidence and ripping away at your mind.  Dark days indeed, Imagine your own mind saying to you "you're gonna die", "you're a wimp after you've had your treatment".  It's SO upsetting to have your head do this to you but that's Depression folks, it does that to you, it finds the smallest little chink in your armour and sticks a lever in there and prises that open then finds another and so on.  This silent battle goes on all the time you are suffering.  

Eventually you get over it (or I did I'm sure some poor people battle this every day) and you park this stuff at the back of your mind.  Yesterday, it got released (I thought perhaps I'd killed it off) and unleashed itself on me overnight in a torrent of abuse and misinformation and lies and deceit aimed only at making me miserable.  I'm not going to fall into its clutches, it's all gone and is banished back to where it came from but it has left me really drained this morning and quite emotional.  Unleashing the demons I can do without how dare they do this to me?  I get a way out presented to me and there's light at the end of this particularly dark tunnel I've travelled along and my own mind wants me not to go there.

I suppose it was churlish of me to expect this next phase of my journey to go easy.  Perhaps I'm not destined to have joy and happiness dropped into my lap, maybe I have to work now even harder to achieve it?  I won't let these doubts that are assailing me and these awful questions written by Hades himself come and get me the reward is far greater and failure cannot be an option, I didn't live so that I could not be a better person and reach for greater things in life.  That path lies before me, I hadn't realised it would be strewn with mines and bombs not from my enemies but from my own mind.  

I know out there lies real happiness and contentment (I must get to a point where I am going to be happy with myself), wonderment, enjoyment and love, above all there must be love because that would bring the whole journey together.  

So I'll leave you and me with this rather lovely number by Camel - it's the overall sentiment and not the lyrics that I like and the beautiful melody.  When I used to sit and listen to music a lot I'd invariably put this on as the last track.  

   

Decrypting Messages

My head doesn't work very well cryptically at all and so if I get an obtuse phrase used or one that doesn't compute in my brain it normally throws me a real curve ball.

I've had a number of these that either I'm just sensitive about or that don't appear to say what they are asking.  Having the devil's own job trying to work out what to do with them.

Keeping The Faith

It is difficult to follow a direction that is counter intuitive to the way you have lived your life until now - some 55 years worth of control and thought and steady as you go.  It is difficult to keep to the path so actually you ironically end up thinking more because you are struggling and battling against being all sensible and logical and have to stop and think to make yourself stay on the chosen path.

Damn its difficult for me but I'm getting there.  There's other complications as undoubtedly those around wonder what is going on too.  Got some curious looks from Mrs. F. this morning - I was up early had breakfast and was enjoying a coffee in the sun by 8 am.  I just get up now when my alarm goes, I don't feel tired at all - I put that down to my diet and neither do I get as fatigued as I used to.  Hell I even look and feel slim even though I think I'd still like to drop as much again over the next year and get myself back to a fighting weight.  Having moved on a bit from the Tim Ferriss 4HB diet I'm now following the Low Carb, High Fat diet shown HERE.  I am however still not touching milk or yoghurt or anything like that but Cottage Cheese I have occasionally   I am having ordinary cheese more often now and have slowed down on the legumes side for calorific carb load.  My Blood Glucose readings are in the high 4 to low 5 range now which is good and I intend to see if I can get them to the high 3 low 4 range over the next 6 to 8 weeks.

My blood pressure isn't too bad but fluctuates a fair bit.  I've stressed myself out like crazy these past few weeks and that can't have helped.  The good news today is in fact they have dipped to the 120 over 80 area that I'm targeting which is great - the diet should bring the Blood Pressure down a bit further and who knows eventually bring it to some sort of nice low level.  

It is a difficult day in other ways today, I would have liked to have been elsewhere but that can't be fixed, helped or even be possible and so I'm stuck at home.  Mind you the British GP is on, it IS cheat day (something I've kept from the Tim Ferriss 4HB diet) and so that's a small relief I suppose. 

I love the picture they use for the diet too:

It kind of says it all really :-)  Man should be much taller and slimmer than he is now according to the research and I have to say - whilst I love my beer (and once a week is a my treat) I really don't want to get as big as I was last year.  It was actually quite bad on my health now I look back, panic attacks and claustrophobia, totally unfit, sweating and out of breath everywhere.  Hope I never go back there again.  But at least I know what to eat to keep me in shape and now I've got to the point where I'm losing the odd pound here and there it means that I can just continue until I hit my ideal weight - the one nature intended for me to have.   

The Titanic Battle of Matter Over Mind

It went something along the lines of "I don't mind and you don't matter" as I recall but the essence is that I've been trying to rid myself of many years worth of introverted thinking, negative thinking perhaps and doing everything in a way that smacks of running a business when I'm actually running my life.

On the basis of you will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take I've finally jumped headlong into the abyss and gone with my feelings, let my heart (if you can call a muscle a decision making bodily organ) guide my actions and here I am.  I'm OK and whilst I have sort of made this transition it isn't at all easy for me.  But I've got to let this run its course and lets see where we go from here.

If I can ever get my brain to just take a back seat for a while I'll know whether or not I'm going to succeed.  

Anger At The New Dawn

Here we are, the morning after and the dawn in my life and this day contains mixed messages.  The sun hasn't burnt its way through the clouds this morning and I guess you can say the same for me.  The body IS willing but the Mind is strong and doesn't want to concede power.   It's a fight between good and evil or maybe between heart and mind or sense and nonsense - I don't know which it is I just wish it would stop it and let me be.

It's not schizophrenia but it is a constant battle of wills.  To go against my normal calculating, theorising, practical, science driven type mind and just to cut loose is what I'm after.  Abandon may be too descriptive a word for it but you can get the idea, it's about being cast adrift and having no control over where you drift to or what your future will be.  My mind is hanging on and being sensible and after all these years it's a battle to stop it being like that.

You see, whilst it is great to have that sort of ability in a business situation someone who can instantly see all the benefits, risks, issues, contingencies and outcomes within seconds of seeing a proposal it is pants at anything where it requires you not to think at all.  Not to evaluate and assess, factor in various risk criteria and strategies.  No it shouldn't be like that at all.  I'm thinking the only real times I get like that are when i've had a lot to drink when the alcohol beats my common sense hands down.  Maybe that's an answer but I wouldn't like to wander around live half cut all the time.  Alcohol is great once in awhile but every day?  See what just happened there?    Now analysing a flippant statement about alcohol - is there no hope for me? :-)

I did take a big step away yesterday but not half as much as I should have.  So annoyed with myself and knew I was bloody well doing it too.  Probably a good idea to blow my brains out with a straw next time :-)  

Oh yes - and what am I doing writing this if not bloody well analysing it.  Strewth - I  lose patience with me sometimes.  Doh!

Well That Was Harder Work

Dammit, dammit, dammit, did I let go?  Almost, bloody well almost.  Habit of a lifetime difficult to break I suppose.  Kicking myself for only letting part of me go not all of me!  A bit annoyed that after all the work I'd done, all the preparation and I fell at the last bloody hurdle.  It wasn't all a disaster by any means, it moved things on for me but how annoyed am I that I knew what I was doing and didn't just didn't let go that last 10% - trying too hard perhaps?  

The upside is that the 90% was great and I'm feeling much better about the situation than I was. Stuff changing and I perhaps wanted too much too soon - after all I've got more than 40 perhaps 50 years of the old me to change.  It's Elephant eating - how do you eat an Elephant?  A bit at a time that's how.  I tried to eat the sodding zoo!  You can't break the habits of a lifetime and I tried and screwed that up.  Just need to approach it a bit better next time whenever that comes along.

Actually though feeling very good on the 90% and will just have to sort myself out for the 10%.  

But the questions as to whether I'm happy or not?  Yes I am, things moved on a great deal today and somehow the shift in emphasis has happened which is great but I probably do need Flocky to slap me around the face because whilst I didn't analyse things, I just couldn't let my emotions take over entirely - so I need that slap to get me out of the old me and into the new me :-)  

Has this changed my life forever?   Undoubtedly yes - I've just got to work really hard now to keep on making progress.  

Sick to the pit of my stomach

Hell what is wrong with me?  I couldn't eat breakfast at all, went off for a coffee, felt great this morning and now feel well a bit sick if truth be known.  It's nerves, excitement, trepidation and all things rolled into one :-)  

Not long to go now until I throw myself off the edge (metaphorically !!) it's like taking the first step in business - you have just got to step off the curb and hope there's road underneath when your foot falls.  My inner self is fighting and the battle the result of which rests on a hair's breath one way or the other.  Captain Sensible is battling Lord Flashheart for supremacy well probably not quite as "in your face" as him :-)  Just the schizophrenia of being me fighting it all out and head and heart fighting a duel to see who will come out on top.  I already know the answer but my head doesn't like it :-)

It's as easy as this, just get your arse in gear, get out into the world, shrug off the insular, geeky, bookworm, studious, philosopher me and let (what's left of) your hair down, lose control, do something totally irrational and don't worry about it, go outside your comfort zone and revel in it. It's not like having a few too many drinks although that may help I guess.  It's about the other you, the one you've always thought about and secretly thought you could be, it's believing in yourself, trusting your instincts, going wild, going crazy, celebrating life, not worrying about what other people think about you, perhaps not worrying about other people's feelings and pleasing yourself.

I've earnt that surely I've taken such body blows and mental blows in the past 6 or 7 years that at last, I really deserve to go out there and be me, who I want to be, what I want to do?  I must do this today and if it works out then I've got direction, purpose and something to look forward to in my life and what's left of it.  What's the purpose of getting through all that cr@p and not enjoying yourself, being one with yourself and moving forward?  Too long I've sat here theorising and planning and scheming and avoiding the decisions, hard as they maybe.  Today's the day to man up, get a grip and move forward.  Here's to me overcoming all the demons inside me wanting me to return to the pit of self pity, introvert over analysis, wrestling with the rights and wrongs of life, the universe, social injustice and all that when frankly it can all go to hell in a hand cart, it's not my problem, it's not why I survived, it's not where my future lies.  

No those demons can disappear back where they belong, their tiny sharp claws can take no further purchase on me.  I won't let them hold me back any longer, I've had enough of this half life this dark land where cancer plunged me.  I have a chance to rise above all of that now and whether or not I succeed it won't be for the want of trying.  

I still feel sick and very nervous, it's like stage fright I used to get before gigs.  A certain amount of stress is good of course as it heightens your senses and gets your system ready for flight or fight mode - the side effect of queasiness, pumping heart, raised blood pressure and all that combined make me more determined than ever to go on.  

As my old mate Buzz Lightyear is inclined to say at times like this "To Infinity and beyond!"  Bless you Buzz, infinity and beyond here I come - just watch out life I've got years and years and years of catching up to do :-)

Coffee And A Slap Around The Face

Well a good morning, wandered over to see Flocky Bicep for coffee.  Bless him, he's really great to chat to and brings me down to earth and cheers me up, not that I needed cheering up this morning.  Am top of the world at the moment but we were chatting about me finally letting go of my over analytical style and so he has promised me that if he finds me analyzing what's going on in my life he is going to slap me about :-)

It wouldn't be the first time he's given me a slap.  Funniest moment ever in a pub in London and Flocky and I met up.  There was a chap a table away from us eating.  Unbeknown to Flocky I knew this chap so I slid over and took a chip off his plate.  Flocky was horrified and gave me a big slap right across the face saying something along the lines of "How dare you steal that man's chip!"

Loved it when I said "Can I introduce you to Tony C, I work with him" :-)  It reminds me of the slap that Captain Jack Sparrow gets in Pirates of the Caribbean, "I didn't deserve that" and on the second "I deserved that one though" :-)

Here's hoping my day gets progressively better.   

Friday On My Mind

Will be a funny old day and so have drafted in good old Flocky Bicep to stick copious quantities of coffee down my neck to start the day off.  Then I'll do some local shopping and then gird my loins and sort myself out ready to go out.  It will be a long day but I have a number of chores for morning and early afternoon that will hopefully keep my mind focussed.  

Have to say I'm terribly nervous, a little scared, somewhat excited and as ready as I'll ever be.  I don't think I'll need luck but I will need to let myself just relax and go a little.  

The Tipping Point

The Tipping Point is a book by Malcolm Gladwell and it came to mind this evening - it isn't quite the same as in the context of the book but it sort of wraps up what I'm feeling about life, the universe and all that good stuff at the moment.  

The TIpping point we were looking at is that when a product goes viral and once people are aware of it everyone appears to know how to use it and bang off you go.  I guess smart phones could be thought of that way.  Few have them to start with then people hear about them, then they get affordable and suddenly millions are sold daily.

My Tipping Point is actually going to be an emotional one.  Tomorrow, Friday 28th June 2013 marks a very important day in my life.  Equally as important as two weeks ago today and the 18th June - so now I'm talking in riddles to you but it will all become clear later on as things move on in my life.  Tomorrow I will change the way I think about my life forever.  It marks a day where things will suddenly change beyond all recognition for me.  I've planned my day out, I've braced myself and I will attempt to forget my usual logical, methodical, analytical self and just go with my heart and my emotions, not for a long time but long enough.  I will act with my heart and not me brain, I will step so far outside of my comfort zone that I will be a bit of a wreck but that's the thing.  If I don't try, if I don't actually go for it, then I can remain as I am now and I really don't like that thought at all.

I've actually gone nowhere in the 5 years or so that I've been clear of Cancer.  Perhaps I should say that I've gone somewhere and that's round in circles.  Nothing has changed apart from I got better.  Nobody else has changed and even if I wanted to, they aren't going to change just because of me.

So I've got to step out now and please myself, need to take myself out of the comfort of my current life and see what it could be like on the other side.  I BET it is scary, I bet it is also exciting and I bet that it will provide me with the necessary information to tip towards it and a new life or back to the comfort of my present existence.

Yes I'm still being enigmatic, it doesn't make sense to me at the moment and I can only tell you how I feel about things and that I'm doing something about it.  The fear of not doing it is the same as the fear of being trapped in the same existence I am in at the moment.  I have no doubt that I can hole up here, in my safe house and family and hunker down or I can get out there and see what the hell life is about and go join that.

Once You've Decided - Then What Do You Do?

I've got a pretty much formed outline of a plan in my head, it needs a few days work and then some solid thinking about and if I'm still happy, I'll turn it into reality.  

The problem with finally getting to a point of revelation is that you blink and think and somehow don't quite believe where and how you've arrived where you are today.  Suddenly you are at an important crossroads in your life.  It must have been about a year ago I said goodbye to my dad for the last time he waved gently at me as I left and I pretty much knew that would be the last time I would see him.  Next week is the first anniversary of his death and I've convinced my mum not to go to the Crematorium as it won't serve any function and he wouldn't ever have wanted that.  Time to move on we're all heading towards that end.  Somehow in the rush between birth and our inevitable destiny we lose sight that this is no rehearsal that life is short and it appears to me that it lacks a number of things that modern life takes or robs from us.  Perhaps I should have learnt something about his death by now?  I know that my mum and dad were until that point inseparable and great friends and listening to my mum now I can see how deep that love went.

Despite having recovered from cancer and got my life back I've been far from "happy" these past 5 or 6 years.  Something has been lacking something torn from my very soul, life is but a dim pilot light smouldering somewhere in my body waiting to be relit.  To kindle that small spark is my plan, to reignite myself and to start to live again.  

I love the scene in Adamms Family Values at the Children's Summer Camp (we don't have those in the UK because we don't get summers I guess!).  It goes something along these lines:

Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!

Wednesday: All your life.

Love it - love Wednesday Addams great deadpan delivery.  But I realised I was the bloody victim and all my life!  Then I realised that I can do something about it and perhaps now is the time to actually get off my arse - off my uppers - step up and man up and sort this out.  Too long I've tried to get by, make small changes, try and accommodate behaviour (mine and others) and yet none of these things had done anything but short respite almost fad like.  I've been addressing the symptoms and not addressing the cause, the real root cause of my problems lie not where I thought they might do.  It's a fundamentally basic thing and it all boils down to whether I'm happy in myself or not?  At the moment I am both unhappy and happy at the same time.  Difficult to explain that let's try:

I'm unhappy because I must fundamentally change my life and in doing so I must leave huge bits of it behind "Move on nothing to see here".  No one likes change, me more than many it's not in my nature but I have to lose my "old life" it is, after all history in some part and habit in the rest, I live the way I do because I always have.  

I'm happy because I can see and partly feel the new me, the new direction if you will.  So it's all there, it's all obvious, it's all available, it all makes sense.

The hesitation is and always will be the collateral damage you do to others.  Imagine if you will you have a choice, the one I'd take would be the one that has minimal effect on all those around me, not to damage them, not to upset and yet would they for one moment think like that first?  "think that's air you're breathing Neo?" asks Morpheus in the Matrix.  I find myself wondering if I take the action and everyone is unhappy for a short time is that better than me being miserable for the rest of my life?  It's my question to answer of course and my judgement call.

I just know that I've got to go upset lots of people who are close to me who, until the point I make my choice will not have realised their own feelings in the matter.  Some will feel betrayed and some just downright angry but it's not their life I'm making decisions about here it's mine.  

It sounds like the Matrix as I've already "made my choice".  I haven't implemented it yet but I pretty much know what I'm going to do but not how I'm going to do it. I feel that I'll probably be jumping out of the fat and into the fire but that's the choice.  

Angry Today - It Didn't Stop At The Previous Post

I was in a bad mood today and also sort of got hung up - I let my guard down and went back to my old self again - not a good place to be and then I had a chat with a colleague and we had both come to the same conclusion about a business proposition that had been put to us.  How do I say this nicely?  It was utter crap and ill conceived and thought through.  It was interesting to see that both of us "didn't get" the value proposition, there was no market research, no compelling events in fact bugger all - a technical term for a pile of stinking manure frankly.

Moving on I am also involved in another venture for some European Cousins, similar problem, no business plan, no marketing plan no appraisal of the market no competitive analysis - I could go on but they have the square root of sweet fanny adams and they had the bloody temerity to get back to me and say that they weren't going to provide finance to launch it in the UK.  I turned the airways blue I think f**ing amateurs probably passed my lips. Why do all the "modern entrepreneurs" think their product is so wonderful if they wont actually back it nor do they do any basic homework but want someone like me to build the business with nothing for them so that they can make a fortune?  Yea, I got off the bloody banana boat sunshine.  They have gone away with a massive bollocking and been asked to think again.

So after all of that which tested by normal calm self to its limits I realised that this was actually much more the real me - just tell them as I see it - I can't be arsed to spend any more of my time on it.

Of course this all threw "the new me" into a tailspin but I did read some interesting words about liking  or loving yourself.  I found that one of my problems is that I really don't like myself very much and this article was interesting to me especially the bit about trying to change your perception of yourself.  For what it is worth I think it is a good investment of 5 minutes to read it and then just to think about what it says, I guess it must link in to EFT as it is on a Tapping site.  

Outside of being angry today I am trying to get some balance back but know I'm going to have to talk to these clowns again tomorrow - they'll never understand business as long as they've got a hole in their bottom!  DO hope I calm down a bit though don't need anymore stress at the moment, it's hard enough coping with the new me as it is :-)

Stuff Gets Me Angry

Stuff like yesterdays sensational headlines about food and diet and then reading the balanced diet crap we've been given for ages whilst our children freely ingest stuff that will affect their health long terms in the belief that it is good for them.  We've plenty of everything in the West, any foods you want, anytime you want just pop round to the 24 hour supermarket, free parking, and they'll sell you two for one on anything.

That's not the only thing either.  Reporting on TV is pants - factual programs sell ideas and models not facts and observations.  There was a great idea of a Programme on a day or so ago all about the sun and its various cycles and blow me they still managed to stick man made global warming into the sodding programme.  There's this huge enormous gravity contained atomic explosion going off firing heat out way and that's got little to do with it?  At least they got the facts right about the cycles and the minimums.  They also alluded to some of the longer sun cycles and what's frightening is that things are awful quiet out there.  All of this consensus and modelled science make me fume.  That's not how I was taught science at all.  It's all about hypotheses and then blowing holes in it.  These days scientists stick to their guns, call each other names and not one of them seems to appreciate that if the observed data doesn't match the bloody hypotheses it is wrong, get over it and come up with the next iteration and go blow that out of the water, you know, science FFS.

I'm angry with myself, angry for having wasted my time and fannied around for years and years and not really grasped the nettle and sorted things out.  I'm angry at the sheer procrastination and not doing anything.  Of course it is easier to let things be, maintain the status quo and pretend nothing is happening.  It won't be the first time I've been wrong but damn it all, I need to sort myself out.  Consequences though, bloody consequences, hurting other people, pissing off and angering people, just as I get angry, I have to inflict pain and angst on people who I love and know.  It stays my hand every time I think to strike and be decisive.  I can't win the battles in my head easily :-)  Damn, going to get Harry Potter's Wand and with a wave all of it goes away, up comes the clean sheet and knowing what I know, all my years of experience, I just start again and move on.  Not going to happen is it?  

I'm almost furious writing this blog post because I could have done something years ago but didn't, I could have manned up, made some very difficult decisions and be out of this place I am in now.  Sure the Bladder Cancer kicked almost all my self belief and esteem out and I've had to rebuild but even so - I should have seen all this coming down the line at me.  I disregarded and ignored it and now, in my face, larger than life, blacker than thunder and threatening to overwhelm me is the prospect of what do I want to do with my life?  Where do I want to go and all the questions that go with it.  Given it so much thought over the years but just didn't do anything about it and I'm sat here not knowing exactly what I am going to do with myself.

I'm not alone though, I have friends who I know will help me through this one as they have helped me through previous crises.   

Obesity is a disease in the US. Should it be?

Obesity is a disease in the US. Should it be?

This was today's health headline in the BBC News and it should be shocking everyone because it doesn't need to be this way.  Here is a link to a web site and there are 5 videos on here that I'd recommend to everyone.  The first one explains a lot about why obesity exists and how it came about.  The graphs of obesity should make everyone sit up and think - smell the coffee or whatever simile you need.

Link to DIETDOCTOR. Now there are lots of websites and lots of positions on this matter and I've gone and done my homework and read my books, hell I'm even pulling my own blood out and testing it and I hate having needles shoved in me.  But here's the thing, if the world has got obese and diabetes has increased and heart disease and goodness knows what else and that's only really happened in the last half century then is it a disease or is it something that's to do with our food?  What's the likelihood that you can catch this?  What do you think the likelihood of changing your eating habits and finding that you can lose weight might be?

This is a definite Occam's Razor thing surely?  SOme chap in the 1970s tells us what the healthy diet it, we all follow this advice and blow me down if obesity rates shoot up and diabetes takes over.  We are all terrified of fat and protein and yet this is probably the best stuff for us because that's how we evolved.  Eating stuff that's promoted by big food corporations?  I wonder whose interests they serve.  It's a bit like the Tobacco inquiries and them telling us it wasn't addictive.  Here's another thing, if you got obesity levels down and diabetes became less and less prevalent do you think the drugs industry might find it a hard pill to swallow (or not)???  

Ever met a guy from the drugs industry?  Do you think they actually want to "Cure" people or are they there to manage the symptoms? Think about it?

Before you accuse me of being the greatest conspiracy theorist you ever met just ask yourself about the evidence.  You'll not find it easily accessible and everything you think you know has been told to you through your own Government's nutritional advice.  Somewhere along the line the message is that artificial carbohydrates (sugars) are good for you and they form the bottom of our food chain - the foundation of our Western Diet is now carbohydrates and sugars.  Highly addictive, non natural things that we make.  Add to that the Fructose and how that screws with your body and it's no wonder to me that all these problems exist.

However a great job has been done by Government, Health professionals and the like.  When I talk to many people about food they are convinced that eating fat for example will make you fat. They think that eating bread, rice, pasta, potatoes and the like is part of a balanced diet.  There's no such thing as a balanced diet its all made up by the authorities.  Do you think our ancestors were running around hunting and gathering and coming up with stuff like "No, we need to let that Mammoth get away, we've already had sufficient fat and protein this week" we are evolved to eat as and when we found it or gathered ot or killed it.  Do you think ancient man had Florida Oranges all year around? Of course not.  

Man has been farming for around 10,000 years.  He's been in existence for around 2,500,000 years at least.  I make that for 0.4% of his existence he's lived on carbs as well as meats.  However I doubt he ever had this all year round and it was nowhere near as processed as it is today.  Fruit was available in season as were seeds and berries.  Towards the end of the year this stuff would appear and man would have as much as possible.  Guess what happened?  With winter approaching and the body unable to eat all this stuff it stored it.  How does the body store excess fuel?  As fat and Insulin is the key component here it knows it can't use it all but the body may need it and so sticks it, in the form of fat for future use.

Insulin recognises carbohydrates and acts to move them into storage.  Your insulin levels go up and then you want more carbs because they are addictive it's a horrible cycle but you can break it.  Moving away from carbohydrates is difficult but I've done it and now I'm over 3 stone lighter and feel great for it.  I've slightly plateaued but that was because I wasn't eating enough fat and a little too much protein - it looks as if this is working now and with a little exercise I'm actually getting some shape to my body again and my muscles around my stomach area are beginning to feel tight and overall I feel tip top.

I really want to be in a position to challenge my doctors in say 6 to 9 months I'd like to be off statins and all the other tablets for high blood pressure.  Generally my BP readings are coming down but have recently gone back up - I've just found out why - but not prepared to state at this particular time - but now I know what has done that I can manage the results accordingly.

Personality Typing

I've always enjoyed using the Myers Briggs type personality profiler and being an INTJ it interests me very much.  I realise that that is the sort of person I really am.  Just read these series of descriptions and you should be able to pick me out no problems at all:

INTJ 1
INTJ 2
INTJ 3

I find the second and third ones fascinating as I relate to almost everything that is written.  My behaviour finding out what is wrong with me, experimenting, checking , fixing and discarding or using.  Everything is adapting and I've been a little lax this past week at doing my blood, urine and blood pressure.  I've done them intermittently and not as a series so the data is going to be a bit shoddy.  I can see that I pick things up run with them and if they work, great if not they cast aside!

Relationships stuff is generally spot on I think and how the children were raised is pretty much spot on, they are self sufficient and smart - great.  What is frightening is that I can see myself in every sentence.  The assertive behaviour the always being right, the analytical stuff and to my great worry the relationship stuff which it appears to say I'm pants at.  Well, that is pretty much true as well, it can't be easy to live with someone like me who is (or thinks he is) always right.  

I like the bit that I know what I know and also know what I don't know.  Lots of people are surprised when I say that I don't know anything about a subject they may be seeking my views on.  Part of my charm is that - I just say that I haven't any idea at all as I haven't read or studied it.  Stuff I do know about I tend to be knowledgeable because I've spent time studying and researching.  I draw my conclusions and then move on.

I've been trying though to change my behaviour this past week.  It's only been a week as well since 18th June 2013.  I have to force myself to get past the typical INTJ stances and the crap way I handle people so that's what I'm doing - so far it is working but I see myself slip into INTJ mode quite often too.