Large Glowing Orb In The Sky...

After a long time where the rain has pounded us and flooded great swathes of the country we had a sunny day with blue skies and I determined to take myself out as I know I'm going to be in most of this week awaiting orders to be delivered.

It was lovely, really pleasant I have to say and the pictures feature below.  I really like it around here, the people are nice and the whole place appeals to me.  It feels "right".  My mum, bless her, sent me a moving in present, which I will use for my bed and sheets and stuff.  I kind of liked the way she said that she was so glad that I was so positive and forward looking.  I think perhaps there isn't any other way to be really.  I manage quite well on my own although I do like company.  Today I was mainly on my own and spent some time walking the local area, across the railway tracks and over to the shops then via Otford Palace and to the village itself and had a few drinks.  Came back here and fell asleep :-)  I may actually take myself off early tonight as I have been going to bed late and getting up early all week.  

My office is slightly cluttered and I still need to do some organising to make all the new equipment fit.

It is a combination of having so much stuff but no shelf space available.  I will make sure that I organise it properly in the future.  I haven't sorted out a routine yet of course until the equipment arrives and I can then give it my full attention.

At least today I was able to buy some stamps and some envelopes so I'm partially able to do any admin that can't be done online now.

 This is Otford Palace

 The View back towards the shops

 A Closer View of Otford Palace

 One of the old houses on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Lovely house on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Saint Bartholomew's Church

 The Woodman in the background and a Georgian Style house to the Right

 The view towards the Crown overlooking the Duck Pond Rounadabout

 And a slightly different view

 Inside the Crown PH  with the Old Fireplace

  The Duck Pond from the Pharmacy on the Roundabout 

My reward for enjoying my walk..... 

Saturday Night In

I think that was good to have an evening in on my own.  I watched the film Avatar - it's quite good on my PC surround sound.  Had a glass or two of red wine - also quite nice.  Breaking in my new walking trainer shoe things and thinking about work.

I think if it is nice tomorrow I ought to go for a walk around the place and see what's around the local area.  There wont be any deliveries to cope with so perhaps a walk to the local shops and I can wander over to the village as well and grab a beer or something and then wander back here.  Hopefully the weather is meant to be much nicer tomorrow.

Could do with getting out of the place I have to be around to have deliveries next week.  The week after too as I have some of the more expensive equipment arriving and I need to be in for that. So I could be "trapped" in the house for a while.  Flocky has to move quite a bit more in next week as well so it's all go.

Positivity

It's nice when you speak to people or perhaps it's just text and they say how positive I am and what a good outlook I've got and suddenly I'm just free of all the cr@p that I had to deal with before.  It is amazing how you live with it for a long time and you aren't really certain if your instincts which were telling me that it was all over (for many many years I have to say) were actually right.  I imagine I was in denial and I needed to work it out as I wasn't sure what it was.  

The depression and the not wanting to do anything or get up in the morning are gone.  I get up fresh every morning and wonder what will I do today.  Build the business is indeed one of the things but it's no longer needs to be done NOW! Arggh :-) that beating myself up about the delay that something took or having to wait until next week for something is all ebbing away.  I may now think like that but I can now recognise it and just stop, think how silly it is and move on.

Things will get done and that's the way it is.  I will set my business up but it doesn't matter if it is tomorrow or next month.  There is no longer a need to worry about it.  It will happen in it's own sweet time.  I thought it was funny that someone was worried that I hadn't got a lady friend in tow.  When I said it had only been 2 1/2 weeks since I moved out they were surprised.  Again, it's my tone, my outlook and goodness do I really need a relationship now?  Jeez I'm just getting used to being free again :-) It would be nice to have someone to meet but I'm not absolutely certain about that.  Anyway I have plenty of friends and I've been out and about with them a number of times already.  No I'm fine excepting the little pangs I get occasionally.

I'm not sure if it is right that I actually feel pangs for Mrs. F.  I imagine her being quite upset still about things.  Bless her.  I haven't seen her since the day I moved out.  Probably not a bad thing... It is funny though that I suddenly feel like that but as I've said I hate that I've hurt her.  I know, I know she's hurt me too but.... :-)

So it is Saturday and I've spent a little too long on this damn laptop as it is :-) Time to go do something....

Valentine's Day & How To Empty My Bank Account Fast

My first Valentine's for about 40 years with no cards, no special meals etc.  It's one of those little body blows where all the perfect people are loved up and us single people are made to feel losers :-)   i don't suppose that's a fair depiction but there you go.

So I started my investment programme today and I'm close to £2,000 lighter today and £3,000 this week - I've had to purchased a bed and all the stuff with that, towels, airer, vacuum cleaner and so on and so forth.  Today it was the first part of my investment in equipment and that is close to £2,000 and doesn't stop there - there's another £1,500 on top of that but hopefully that should be about it until I need to pay for the web site.  Luckily I have this money put by but it makes a huge dent in my day to day capital.  

Of course, you cannot make an Omelette without breaking eggs and that's the point here.  Without the investment I have nothing to practice on and nothing to sell.  It will be quite interesting I imagine to try and piece all the equipment together - I don't have as much room as I felt I did - I have enough but really could do with a bit more :-) The perennial problem but I will just have to make do with this for the next 6 or 8 months or however long it will be that I am here.

I've purchased my new phone system that can go with me anywhere.  I have free calls - well so called free but of course you pay for them :-) Unlimited calls is probably the right terminology.  Ideal though in business.  The main investment today was the photograph scanner which had gone down in price so that was good.  All in all though it was an expensive day but my bed is on its way as is my mattress and I hope to be able to have a decent large bed in the next week or so.  I also reckon to have my wedge shaped pillows - I've always wanted these to prop me in bed and stop me rolling onto my back.  Let's see what happens :-) I am hoping that in two weeks I will have a room and my clothes sorted out, my office sorted with all its new equipment and be ready to start to build the business.

I feel strange today, this day of celebration of love (or the greeting card, florist and chocolate industry).  I'm a cynic - shouldn't you be doing this for all 365 days a year?  I feel you should.  But hey Mr. Hindsight is a great thing.

My lovely lady was impressed with my poetry for her so I'm pleased about that.  She really is someone special but unfortunately not for me it seems.  Got to move on from that.  As for all the other "interests" in my life, if I weren't such an INTJ I might know what was going on with them too.  But I have no idea what is going on at all.... :-)   I'm such a klutz when it comes to all this fannying around.  To understand this you need to read this and this.  

It is a shame because from what I've been told, I'm really interesting to be with and very unusual.  I'm not a typical bloke who likes soccer goes out to the pub and expects my dinner on the table when I get back and all that sort of stuff.  Probably because I hated the way my life dissolved into the monotony that I've now escaped from I never want to go back there.  I don't want to dictate what goes on but in the past 2 1/2 weeks I've really had quite a bit of fun and been my own boss and I am beginning to slowly enjoy this new life.  It will be cool next week as we may almost begin to get straight but it doesn't actually matter if we don't.  We have our bedrooms clean and tidy although mine will look better next week, a room to sit down and relax in.  I have the office to retreat to.  I have my music.   There are boxes all over the place that clutter but you know what - it doesn't matter one jot.... :-)  

I often get these twinges of regret or longing and yet I think that it doesn't matter - I'm just 2 1/2 weeks into this journey of being a single guy.  It's all new and wonderful, slightly frightening and yet challenging and exciting.  Looking forward to it.

Enjoying Things At Last

Yes, it is amazing how getting away from the house has crystallized in my mind what I probably knew all along.  Hindsight is an exacting science as they say.  I love having my music on a little louder than I would ever have it on at the old house.  I find myself halting actions and then realising that I can just please myself and do what I want, when I want, at the speed that suits me.  All that rushing about has gone and I've consciously not followed any of my old habits.  Eating at certain times being one of them.  Watching TV with my lunch being another.  Most of my timings were to keep me out of the way of Mrs. F. and the kids too in some instances.

I'm happy to take a little time and a little care over trivial things and find enjoyment in simply washing up or vacuuming - it sounds stupid but if you aim to do the best you possibly can do at the task you are achieving it can work wonders.

My purchases have started to arrive - so I now have lovely Egyptian Cotton sheets and some nice soft towels and a shower / bath mat thingy to step onto.  Luxury....

It's great living here, I really am enjoying it more than I thought I would which is also great and the freedom and the relief of pressure is amazing.  I feel so much better and so much happier.  

Stupid O'Clock Once Again - But It's Different

This isn't a case of not wanting to go to bed but more a case of being so full of action that I'm still wide awake at 00:30 and could be going strong for a few hours but I think I will try and slow down and go to bed shortly.  I feel many things are coming along in the next few days not least the beginning of my new bedroom - a bed (sensible for the use of) and Mattress even more sensible, wedge pillows and covers and sheets, towels, airing/drier thingy.  I've got the list of all the stuff I need for the business and just shocked myself with the cost of that :-)  But I knew I'd have to invest that sort of money.

I feel I've been hemorrhaging cash this past two weeks - it feels longer already - gosh just two weeks..... I'm amazed.  So much has happened but of course we have all sorts of bills to commence with and it is surprising what you don't have to hand.  I will halve one lot of money in my account in the next two weeks!  Shocking as I had quite a bit in there to start but a months rent and 6 weeks rent in advance as a Deposit also take a thump out of your balance.

I have other money in other place it just means I have to play an cunning hand to move funds around when I can trying to avoid losing any interest that I may be entitled to :-)

Today has been so busy on so many fronts.  It's really beginning to ramp up and now I need to get a grip of my planning and so be able to get the right things in the right order.  I can't do the web site unless I have contact details and phones and emails and the like.  It's just one of those crazy things.  I don't actually need the phone and email right now so I am going to try and run that to the line.  I also need to invest in the equipment (the majority of the investment it has to be said).  I then need to practice using it - again it isn't a problem because I need to "learn my trade"

The thing will be getting enough business and maintaining the business pipeline and the actual doing of the work.  I keep forgetting that I'm my own boss and so it doesn't matter about time (in a way).  It will be what it will be.

I'm in such a different place in my head now.  I'm so charged about what is going on.  I had such a great time last night with my mates, I laughed so hard it hurt which is super and I hadn't had anything to drink as I was driving.  It didn't matter - I put beer in the Fridge here so that when I came home I could have a beer and just "reward" myself for not drinking earlier.  I was worse sober than I would be with a few drinks in me.  Great - fantastic, how free I feel and how slowly I'm getting used to the feeling of freedom and also practising the living each day as it comes and to allow myself the luxury of enjoying people and places for what they are.  

Miss The Old Place?

I thought I'd miss the old house and yet I don't at all.  I love this new house although it is very modern inside and traditional Mock Tudor outside it is warm, spacious and Flocky and I are pretty much OCD when it comes to keeping the place clean and tidy.  Having said that there are - as is to be expected when you move in piecemeal - boxes around all over the place.  As we put things away and find nooks, niches and crannies for the stuff the packaging will reduce. 

It looks like a home now and I really fancy getting out and about locally.  At the moment though I have deliveries coming and so that may prove difficult for a while.  There's a beautiful Village Centre to explore and it has a really fancy roundabout with a Duck Pond on it.  I love it.  No street lights and so the stars are out and shining brightly - I have brought my Telescope so I can get a good look at the Moon and Planets.

My office is a little "compact" but it will do for now to allow me to set up and run the business.  After that, I will just have to find a place that will be as good - perhaps with a proper office or large spare room.  But hey - I haven't got settled in here yet :-)

So much to do but no pressures to get things done.  It really feels as if yet another weight has come off my shoulders and here I am exploring my new freedoms.  It is very strange as I ask myself the question "Can I do this or that?......" and the answer is that I can do what I want (within the limits of propriety).  Want to eat later or earlier?  Get up early or late? All of these things are a little bit strange as I only have to please myself.  The consideration is my house mate though but the house is so big that in some ways that doesn't come into the equation. 

I don't miss the other place at all and I didn't think that would be the case but I imagine it didn't feel like a home for the last 6 months and possibly for much much longer than that and so it doesn't hold the "affection" it perhaps should.

So no regrets and very few doubts at the moment which is good I think.  There's a new found excitement every day that I'm free to do what I want.  There's a tiny bit of trepidation when I see how my savings are taking a thumping but you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs as they say.

Onwards and upwards.... :-) 

TakeTwo

So far so good.  Today I ordered my double bed and had to check that I was actually being sensible - I was - got a nice storage bed but really liked the totally impractical Italian Designer bed.  So today I spent a lot of money as I need the whole thing and got some wedge pillows which I've alway wanted as they are great if you sit up in bed and also should help me to lie on my side.  The mattress is the more expensive item but I think it will be brilliant and will really do the job as I sleep on a firm bed - even the little put you up is great and fabulously firm.  

My office is getting there - it needs another spree of cleaning and reorganising and I can then really get into doing business.  That is a key thing for me - I now need to spend a business day in the office working the hours and doing the work.  Of course we still have the distraction of daily moving items, building furniture and so on.  But I am now of a mind that things will get done in their own sweet time and not before.  I've really mellowed down and whilst occasionally I get a pang of "oh no I should have done this" actually it doesn't matter a jot.  If it doesn't get done today it will get done tomorrow - I have to build a business and that needs good solid foundations and rushing will not actually get the job done.

I'm off out tonight with the lads and the great thing about that is?  I'm driving so will not be drinking until I get back here where I have a few beers in the fridge.  The great thing is I don't need to "hit the drink" and wait at the pub for hours and hours until I go back home after everyone is asleep.  This is my house now and I can come and go as I please and I can pretty much do what I want too.  I no longer have the pain of living in a hostile environment.  I can't even tell you what it is like but it feels like it should have felt when I realised I no longer had cancer.  

Well - Hello There...

Almost two weeks and finally we got the Internet.  It's been a difficult time without it but not impossible.  I quite like the idea of being a bachelor again and enjoy the challenge and the freedom.  

I had a shaky "what have I done?" moment on the first day as I spent the evening alone and yet - a cracked open a few beers and decided that no - this was what I wanted and that where was the pressure and the stress now?  Well it just isn't there anymore.  No "atmosphere" in the house.  No doom laden myths to sort out just the freedom to do what I need to do, when I need to do it and no pressure either way - how brilliant is that?  Liberating and fantastic.  I've used my car more in the past few weeks than possibly in the past 6 months.  I haven't contracted any nasty diseases and have managed to wash my own clothes and iron them.  I really do feel that I'm going to be alright and at last I can see a way forward.

I only get minor angst and worry which is all about meeting people but I need not worry about that, it isn't an issue and things will be fine I know they will.  It's good that I can tackle these small worries.  I'm also working out how I go about building the business and from now on I can move that forward.  With the connection of the Internet I am able to start looking for equipment and to start to purchase things I don't have (a bed and all the bits for it).  I got myself a temporary wardrobe which is OK but I've still got to sort things out.

I love the house we are in, the views over the countryside if it would ever stop raining.  Believe me I could hardly believe it - the rain was stair rodding down and a bus pulled out which was going to Noah's Ark.  What a strange sign but apparently there is a small village around here called that.  I've lived around the area for a long time and never really noticed it.  

Anyway - normal service to be resumed soon. I am feeling very well and apart from aching like hell after moving stuff in for a couple of days and humping things up and down the stairs, it's liberating being here.  I have to realise that I can pretty much do as I want.  OK I need to do certain things but I can please myself where and what those will be.

I'm going to like it around here.

Last Post For A While I Imagine

So here we are it is almost the 28th January 2014.  It is a day like no other I've experienced before.  Sure I've moved house and had a flat which was great and not at all like today.  I was excited when I got my first place and when we (the future Mrs. F. as she was then and I) it was emotional and exciting and it was the beginning of a wonderful journey.   We had a lovely house, lots of space and a garden full of fruit and vegetables it was great as we needed to be a little self sufficient to make ends meet.

We had nothing (very little) we bought cheap second hand stuff (we still have some of it) and we built a house and a life together.  We moved here to our present house in 1988 and we worked hard and we made this a lovely house to live in and to bring up children because that's why we moved here.  I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't want for that not to have happened.  

With regret I wished that we hadn't started drifting apart all those years ago.  With hindsight maybe I could have done something about it but I was in my 30s I was building my career, I was climbing the greasy pole and doing the right things.  I changed industry and whilst that was a risk I built us a financial pile and no one wanted for anything apart from love.  For that was what suffered.  Our children have not wanted for much - sure I wasn't rich in terms of money but if it was uniforms, trips, music lessons etc they were provided so I don't feel that I didn't provide for the family in that way but perhaps, given where I am today, I may have left part of the overall equation out.  :-) But hindsight is an exacting science as we all know.

So there we are my life up to now interrupted by cancer and torn apart because no one knew how to deal with me?  I recollect that not only did I have to convince myself but I also had to convince others.  The strategy was not to mention it and that works but it ignores the very heart of what was going on with me.  

But I digress for where I am now is where I am.  It's time to make that split from this house and to start off as an independent person once again.  It's time to make that break and to see what life is going to throw at me.  It's time to explore and to make new friends and to seek out new civilisations to boldly go where.... Oh you get the picture :-)

This is turning a new leaf, taking the high ground, doing something new and being able to finally make that break and to take stock and to see where we are.  I sincerely hope that Mrs. F also gets to see it like that.  I also hope she realises that I'm depleting our savings at double the rate as I live away from this house :-)

I felt absolutely horrible during the day and it was nice to talk to Flocky earlier.  We have both been through a lot these past years and finally both of us are doing something about it and moving on.  Where I know that today I've been very sad about it and I have no doubt that won't change tomorrow - at least I'll be out of the way and able to affect my own future far better than I can today.

It may be a while until I post again and I hope that when I get out of the other side it will be for the better.  I certainly hope so.

Feel absolutely awful today

Damn it, I feel awful today - cannot believe how sh1t I feel but there you go.  Trying to do the logistics of moving but heart isn't in it inasmuch as they've thrown so much cr@p in my office I can hardly move :-) Crazy but there you go!  

Feel sick to my stomach but I know I have to do this :-) Have to - it will be OK once this is over this should be the easy bit as we had the hard bit last August.  Coming to terms with all of this is what I need to do.

Time to seize the day :-) Back online when we get back online :-)

This Time Next Week

I'll be elsewhere - hopefully exploring the surroundings and out of this mad house.  It feels like (but I know it isn't ) that everyone is on my case this weekend.  My office is full of cr@p and odd cardboard boxes etc.  I can hardly move.  I've come downstairs but A and her friends are next door making a noise so went my office where Mrs. F and L are now clearing the boxes out.  No peace at all!  Nightmare so I've come downstairs with my laptop and switched on the TV and will just hide here for the afternoon - or try to and distract myself.

Write my blog, go and moan to my journal and get ready for tomorrow as I am going to pack then when nobody is around and today feels bad.  I can also bring stuff downstairs ready to go on Tuesday.  I can disconnect the main computers and stuff too.  

I have to say that I do feel pretty low and a little sick in my stomach today again.  I'm sure I will feel similar tomorrow and Tuesday as well.  At least tomorrow I will be busy all day.  On Tuesday I foresee that I will be excited and sad at the same time.  I hope that I will find it an enjoyable time and that challenges are there but to be enjoyed.  I'm bound to have forgotten something or need something but there's Sainsburys up the road and it's not as if it will be life threatening.

I can only hope that once I've moved and got over the trauma of that - things will steadily get better.  Hope so.  

Sometimes I Think Maybe I Shouldn't Have But Karma Rescues Me

It is pretty strange that I should have bumped into so many people yesterday and then I think well maybe not, that's the way of it and things happen for a reason.  We may not always know what that reason is or what or why it happens and we may still miss the opportunity, whatever that may be.

It's strange me meeting that young lady, listening to her getting her home then seeing her last weekend and then her contacting me - as apparently I'm a 'very nice' man.  So we will see where that goes.

Today I've felt particularly bad - I suppose as you pack up your stuff you do get to feel a little down and "have I done the right thing?" and then you find out that your office has been completely flooded with boxes and packing stuff that I can't actually move anything or put anything anywhere!  It's a fire hazard if anything :-)  I couldn't even get out of the door at one point such was the packaging materials from the loft.

It's as if to make sure I get on my way but I'm not sure they are actually getting it at the moment - I'm certainly not taking half the house with me - what's the point?  I'll only have to move it again in a few months time and then most probably have to move it again when this place is sold and I buy somewhere with my part of the proceeds.  I suppose it is making it slightly easier for me to leave when behaviour is still pretty much as binary (all or nothing) as it ever used to be here.

So back to my karma.  As I was feeling rubbish and feeling bad about leaving, the behaviour here just reinforced my reasons to go.  I mustn't loose track of the reasons that I'm leaving.  They aren't trivial and they go quite deep too and it's only I think that I am now at this point at the 11th hour that it makes me feel strange. 

Come Tuesday I will be able to move into the house and hopefully start to build a new life from there.  Let's hope so.  

So Off We Jolly Well Go

Yesterday was a crazy as it can be almost farcical.  We paid our deposit and first months rental and then met up for a coffee.  I had news of a local chap that a number of us knew up at the pub and decided to take a copy of the letter up to the pub for the locals. 

I wasn't expecting to see my old next door neighbour there.  But we had a couple of drinks and just as I was about to go and old dear friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and years appeared in the pub.  He comes to the Woodman a lot he told me - I've never seen him there but he knew the landlord and all my lot!  Amazing.

So I ended up drinking with him for the remainder of the afternoon and then in to the evening and then my old next door neighbour who had fallen out with his wife (long story) needed a place to stay so came home here and we put him up for the night!

The terms and conditions have come through so I am trawling through those today and we sign on Tuesday and move in on the same day.  

My old next door neighbour has gone this morning and Mrs. F. is on a course.  I am feeling particularly low and a little bit down even a tiny bit dewy eyed because this is my last weekend at the house.  It's suddenly hit home that is where I am at!

Not to worry though.  I have a day or so now to sort myself out and to work out what and what not to take with me.  I don't need much to start with but a bed a chair and a few basics will do nicely.

It's all a big adventure, it's a new start but also it's a good feeling to finally be at this point.  I have no doubt that Mrs. F. and I will feel very differently about things in the next few days.

I'm certainly going to be feeling very up and down - I know it.

Frightened - Moi?

Been a very strange surreal day on so many fronts.  Where do I start?

1. Flocky and I are now able to proceed with renting the house - YAY
2. Wobbly sensations as my life is about to change
3. Relationships I thought were dead have come back to life
4. Oh bugger! Another relationship has arisen to complicate 3 above :-)
5. Friend came and took me out for a beer - which was SO welcome

Geez, what a day so many things happening - if you put it in a film no one would believe you.

The house can now go ahead and I do feel more wobbly about it than I thought I would.  I spoke to Mrs. F. and we were being really matter of fact when both of us were obviously brazening it out and we were both close to tears by the end of the conversation.  Thank goodness my mate came and out of the blue took me for some beers.  Was a good thing I have to say.

Some dead relationships have sparked back again in the last few days.  By which I mean that things that I thought were no longer around and I had dismissed have resurfaced to confuse me - because I don't always understand these things.  To add to those woes, I'm now in "close contact" with the lady that I assisted a week or so back.  We plan to meet up and get to know each other better.  I'm cr@p at all this - I thought I'd just been a gentleman and done the right thing.  I guess us old fashioned chaps have some sort of appeal after all?

Life is getting a little scary.  Things are coming home to roost and suddenly my life has changed beyond all recognition.  What is going to happen?  I don't know but I just have to take each and every blessing as it arises.  

Down To Business

It's been a hectic afternoon as I prepared and sent off my details so that I can be credit checked so we can go take on the rental of the house.  It is funny because I do have enough money to live there for quite some time but of course they need to know.  

Of course, it wasn't going to be that easy as the large amount of money I had in there had in fact been transferred around about lunchtime so I had to do an accompanying letter to explain the switch in funds but of course, it all makes sense and in many ways - it was good as I was able to show distributed funds and I'd already taken the precaution of taking a few snapshots of my account in the days leading up to today.

I've read the terms and conditions - they seem fair and reasonable and apparently we need to get over to the Agent and sign those off at some time and take some ID in as well.

Well, I must say that I had a strange start and felt a bit excited and sad all at the same time.  I knew that would happen and I still feel the same in many ways.  I spoke to Mrs. F. and told her that things would be moving fast from now on.  I think this will enable us to quickly sort stuff out and I also hope once I'm out of her way she will be able to think it through and we wont keep bumping into each other and having awkward moments.

I need to sort out basic for all sorts of things now - it's crazy but things like towels and the like - have we got enough if not I'll buy myself some for the interim. That expense is one I hadn't really counted on - things like vacuum cleaner, bed, quilt, sheets, pillows and so will soon deplete my savings but I know not to panic - just get things sorted and then work away from there.  It isn't Rocket Science....

Have been feeling great so far this year.  I feel fit and healthy and above all I feel ready to go take this new life, new chapter, new page on full bore.  It's really exciting and it's really going to make me think and work out my life.  I'm looking forward to it and it's more in excitement than fear.  I like that I can probably just cut loose and do my own thing.  I can at last get down to running the business and also organising my office and myself the way I want to.

I Knew I'd Feel Like This

It is very strange indeed as I feel quite breathless this morning.  It's just a phase and it's to do with the unknown the excitement and the trepidation of it all, the enormity of what I'm about to do.  There's the slightest panic about getting things sorted out and making it all happen but I need to realise it won't happen overnight it's going to take some time to occur and I'll no doubt have some frustrations waiting for it all to happen.

The sooner we get started the sooner it can all fit into place.  In some ways I'm feeling anxious about things - like the business but the reality is it will take time.  It's taken 3 months longer to get to where I am now, I shouldn't be surprised really.  But there you go it does get to you, it's bound to.  There's a lot of hidden stress to deal with.  I can feel it.  You think about trivial things too which again aren't going to matter in the long run.

There's a big shop not far from the house and there's food and everything else you need to live so I'm not going to starve :-) If I'm missing anything I can just go and buy it! :-) 

I can also live out of boxes for a while too.  Not sure if I can live without the internet for too long but again, not an insurmountable problem as I can come back to the house here everyday and pick stuff up, use the internet and transact any online stuff and go back afterwards.  It is simple enough.

I'm looking forward to it and at the same time, I'm a little anxious too.  How will it work out?  Of course the bottom line is that it will be what it will be - there can be no reward in worrying about it, it hasn't happened yet.  I need to heed my own advice and just work in the moment.  The past is gone, the future hasn't happened you can only do anything about the present moment.

It's really an adventure but of course there's this cutting off my own past - not that it hasn't happened but that it's a sort of baggage that I don't need to carry with me.  Cutting away that baggage is very difficult to do.  You're not cutting away all that has happened you just aren't bearing it as some form of Cross.  

Anyway it all feels pretty strange at the moment and I'm going to take the opportunity to write on the the blank page I'll have after next week.

The Brink Of Moving Out

It's here - the offer on the house has been accepted and now, subject to terms and conditions and references, we are likely to have a place to move into this time next week.  It's nice and is the one the Flocky and I really liked in the first place.  Warm, comfortable and just cosy.  A proper Goldilocks place.

There's so much to do and I'm in a bit of shock about that but - perhaps it is better to have it thump in like a Tsunami.  I spoke to my friends tonight - they are all massively supportive of course and in a month I'll probably be living nearer them than here.  It feels very very strange indeed.

I find the whole thing somewhat surreal I have to say.  It is just bizarre how it has all worked out but in my mind, I've done all the right things and now is the time to go test the water and see how Mrs. F. and I feel after 3 months or so.  It will be interesting indeed to see what her reaction will be especially as I will be burning so much of our capital for my flat and to set up the business.  Of course, I hope that I'll have a good return on the business over time but not 6 months :-)

I am excited and slightly concerned of course.  One thing that will happen is that I will be free of the incumbrences here and can go and live my life without the restraints (real or imagined) I've had here.  The main thing is to get the Internet installed in the house so I can start to operate the business :-)  The rest of it can follow :-)  

Interesting times ahead - very very mixed emotions at the moment.   

Heart Surgeon's Blog

I found THIS very interesting:

"Heart surgeon declares on what really causes heart illness"

When I set out on my dice with Bladder Cancer I had an inkling that food and modern lifestyle was at the root of my problems that along with being an ex-smoker too of course.  The problem is that you still see dietary advice that is way past its sell by date being promoted.  The food industry will tell you that carbohydrates are good for you after all they make up the base of the pyramid of foods that are "good" for us.  But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth as this article sets out.  

I think this article just adds a little bit more to the argument that somewhere along the line we've been fed a load of old tosh about what is and isn't good for us.  I've been lucky in some ways as when I followed the advice and started loading myself with lots of fruit and vegetables it almost gave me diabetes and as luck would have it I was turned from the abyss by my doctor.  It certainly made me go and do some more research.  I'm a little overweight at the moment - Christmas and seemingly a lot of beers have not made losing weight easy but then again I wasn't actually looking to lose weight over this period.  I've started losing it again now and once I've gotten past today I will be back off the booze for a while :-)

I have to say that I'm not sure that fruit is as good as this chap says - modern fruit is so bred to be high in Fructose and this would spike an insulin response.  I think small berries and the like in small quantities are OK but whilst I love fruit, I've cut it out of my diet altogether now - such a shame but then again I feel great these days.  Just a by the by -   I haven't had a cold since February last year when I started on the regime....  In fact I don't think I've had a cold for a couple of years now.  That's not evidence of course just something that I've noticed of late. 

It's interesting that a recent advert on TV is advocating that grains are good for your heart?  100% natural fibre blah blah blah.  We are being told this and it's all supported by "science".  Terrifying - truly it is knowing what we know about carbohydrates - it is outrageous that the can blatantly just state that.    

I'm certainly back on track with my food regime and the excesses of Christmas are behind me.  I'm eating my usual eggs, bacon, mushrooms, livers, mince and basic vegetables, fish etc.  Plenty of butter and cheese too.  My kid brother is doing well - he's now lost around 7 stone since August and another friend of mine has lost 3 kilos in 2 weeks so he's delighted although he could do a little better and he knows it but at least he has the incentive to see it falling off him.

After Many False Starts - Here We Go

Flocky's exchange of contract has happened at last - poor fella it has been dragging on for months!  The first house we were interested in only want a 1 year contract and so we can't do that.  The second one, the one that really is nice inside we have put forward an offer on as it almost ticks all of the boxes.  It certainly is a spectacular interior. It's a lovely road - Mrs. F. and I looked there when we bought the current place.

Yesterday felt like a bit of a wake for me as I visited the two pubs in the village and had a little too much to drink if I'm honest.  But there was an Elvis impersonator on at the pub which was fun and then I wandered back to the Woodman and had another beer before wandering home.  I went straight to bed - I've learnt not to touch this PC after a few beers.  I feel OK this morning but I really shouldn't!  It was funny as I again bumped into the girl I'd helped get home on Tuesday night.  We just acknowledged our presence as she was with a group of locals at the bar.  Seeing her there triggered that eureka moment - of course I'd met her before - I thought I had.  She is often sat at the bar on the corner.  

I thought to myself that this would likely be the last time that I'd be drinking in the village at my local and in many ways it was a sad but also a poignant day.   I'd realised that it is getting nearer and I'm really hoping that we can agree either this place or the place which is local and get it underway as soon as possible.  In that way, I can get out of here and start to move things forward in my own life.

The eBay nonsense has been sorted out and the buyer got a full refund - I'm surprised but eBay must have some sort of policy that looks to close silly little cases like this and I haven't been penalised so I guess that's fine.  My monies have been released in my account - so that's OK too.

I won't be doing any eBaying for a long time I think.  I have a business to build.  I am SO looking forward to getting that to happen.  It will be a great distraction for me to just spend time doing that.  I actually did some work on that yesterday - trying to get my head around pricing and discounting - it is particularly difficult to work out how to do this so I was working on a model to see if I can get it straight in my head.  Again, it will be so much easier doing that somewhere with little or no distractions.