Appears to be getting better

I think that I may be getting better. Today started a bit roughly but now all seems to be back under some sort of control.

My legs are still sore and at least it doesn't feel like I want to keep having to run to the toilet and piss blunt razor blades each time.

I really could have done without that but I must continually remind myself that I'm not 100% yet it takes time and there's me thinking I can climb Mount Everest.

I hope that it is back to normal tomorrow and more so Saturday as I have to sit in a room for about 2 hours and don't need to be getting up in the midst of a few hundred people needing to dash off!

Not at work again today

I'm not there - a late decision last night was that I'd just give things a rest - I'm not quite right and the frequency of visits to the toilet are right up - sometimes as mush as every 20 minutes. In fact, thinking about it I've been having difficulty since getting back to work last week and the train journeys and also getting to work have been close run affairs. Perhaps it is a UTI - Urinary Tract Infection.

I'm going to take thing easy today and just take notes and if not better then I'll get over to see the Doc tomorrow and get something for it. It is always a possibility that you'll get UTI - it warns you that it is one of the side effects, along with cramps I now see re-reading further past the normal ones....

You think you are over this when of course you aren't really! I need to repeat the mantra "Take it easy" or "Slowly, Slowly"

Still hurting

I am on different statins - could that be what did for my cramps in the early hours. I'll take them again tonight but this is the 3rd one of this new batch I have had. Mind you that wouldn't account for last Thursday nights although that was milder.

Gee - I hope I don't get that lot again, it would be too much to handle. I really haven't felt pain like that before.

My right leg is still hurting and throbbing slightly so I hope that it is OK overnight and I can get to work tomorrow.

Get Out More

Tiredness does stop me getting out and about as often as I'd like but I feel that I need to get out a bit more than I do now. The problem is that I don't actually talk to many people during the day at all - although I interact at work it is business speak. At home I hardly actually have any conversation more than a few sentences long with anyone.

When I do get out I tend to gabble a lot as suddenly I have a release. This blog is great as it gets a lot of the stuff in my head, out of my head. The problem is there is so much stuck in there clogging my brain up that once the flood gates are opened I need to get it out. Poor sods who do take me out end up giving me a damn good listening to!

I hope that I'll be able to dump all this emotional baggage and random thoughts so that I can get on with my University Course in a weeks time.

Sooner than I thought

I got double cramp again last night, apart from the agony that these attacks inflict - I can hardly stand properly or walk this morning such is the bruising effect on my calf muscles - there is the suddenness of these. Unlike the fatigue (although occasionally that can just turn up) there is no notice at all - I just woke up in time to realise what was happening and I can't even begin to tell you what agony it is, I very rarely yell out in pain but this always make me scream out, there is very little else you can do. How I don't want to have these when I get older, the convulsions alone and trying to get to stretch the leg and rub the muscles to relieve the knotted bit is so difficult. No - not nice and it still hurts now.

Getting to work is almost impossible as I can hardly put any weight on my legs.

Whilst I am used to getting this occasionally it is again, I'm certain, one of the side effects from the treatment. I recall someone having this. I was also having minor bladder spasms yesterday too which was very disconcerting and meant I was in and out of the toilet a lot yesterday and travelling home was painful as I was waiting for the train to get to my station so I could dash off to the toilet. Every bump and sway of the train just added to my discomfort.

In fact, it has only been a week since the treatment so I should be expecting that. You do tend to forget very quickly about such things and tend to forget that the side effects don't last a day. Interestingly the treatment is actually at its most effective next March! How Bizarre is that?

Payback

I reckon that by the end of the week I will be completely knackered - so much is happening this week. I have been out two nights so far and have had two full on hectic days at work too. I am working from home on Friday for the morning then have to go and help set up Provincial Grand Lodge ready for Saturday when that takes place.

I am going to bed in a few moments as I can feel the tiredness coming on. I need to have a further blitz on my work as I need to start preparing for my Foundation Course next week.

I have no idea how I am going to fit this all in!

Going to be wiped out come Sunday

I have the week from hell. I am out most days and most nights, I have to arrange a big meeting on Friday for Saturday - at that meeting I get to work like crazy and then get promoted and then have a meal and then work like crazy and come home. I think that collapse into bed and not get up until Sunday afternoon is a very real possibility...

Out with Rotary tonight

Yes - I got invited out and have to leave in about 10 minutes but there is beer and food there which is interesting! I used to be in Rotaract in my younger days.

I am going as a guest and it will be interesting to see if I know anyone there - it is just up at my local.

The next lot of wide awake or fast asleep

Kicking in. It must have something to do with the treatment - it is 1 in the morning for goodness sake - it feels like I am jet lagged - I could happily go off to work right now but in an hour I'll be so fast asleep that a small explosion wont wake me.

I may curse these side effects but I suppose I ought not to really.

Interesting note I came across was that the Treatment I have just had really builds and is at its most effective in 6 months time. I would imagine that I could repel a Flu bug from 100 yards just by looking at it. At least the husky throat has gone away a bit now and the flu symptoms are long gone. Aches in the legs, tiredness and wanting to go to the toilet more often are still here.

The Office

Not the Ricky Gervais one, my one. Back in here today trying to finally get my head around this and get things sorted.

It needs a concerted effort though and I am going to have to be ruthless with some of this older stuff I have. Do I need it anymore? Will I ever go back to being an Engineer or Project Manager in the IT world? Probably not, best to just throw it out and get rid of it on eBay or local Charity Shop. It is all just clutter now and can be removed.

It still irks me though that I just take so long to do things these days. It is mid Sunday morning and I just haven't got half of what I planned to do completed.

Retrospective

I was going back over some old posts and remember that this was a song I heard just as I was about to go to Theatre. Yes I thought that too.....

A Day in the Office

On a Saturday and keeping the hell out of the way from all the nonsense downstairs. Remainder of kids are off to University today so there is one grumpy soul downstairs, the other one has a cold and I have no idea what is wrong with the other one.

I have plenty to do so I am locked up here getting on with things I should have done weeks ago and never got around to.

I've also realised that I have a number of vacation days available just to me that no one else has so I have to try and work out what to do with those. I was hoping to take some time off at half term but the school wont allow extra days and C has to work term time and A doesn't get half term off at all. It appears she isn't even going to be around at Christmas now - she will be abroad somewhere. L has just a few days off but is actually studying.

I keep telling myself it isn't everyone being awkward (why is that such a difficult word to spell) or bloody minded but it just seems to be that everyone is doing something and that we may as well just go and please each other and go away or take time off individually. I'm almost getting paranoid about it as bugger all has worked out for months and any plans I have are scuppered by things everyone else does and then they say "Didn't I tell you?" Well obviously not.

So the sanctuary that is my office - mind you they have managed to screw that up as my power supply for one of my PCs has gone missing because someone has borrowed theirs? My printer is getting worn out by A doing her coursework and apart from that the Ryder Cup isn't on proper TV this time so if I fancy watching that I need to shell out a small fortune to watch it. I'm blowed if I am doing that.

So all in all, I have had a miserable day up here, my PC went wrong as well requiring me to divert time to fix that and I'm still only just gradually managing to get through my work. It is like pulling teeth getting this done.

Penny Drops - it is all about me

Could it be that this blog is just one big ego trip?

I need to go away and think about that. I hate it when my brain does that to me :-)

Where are all the survivors

Why don't you hear about them?

Steve Kelley makes a good point in this blog I touch on it here and throughout this blog the one thing that Steve has highlighted and that I support is there just isn't enough out there that explains what it is all about and what it is like to have BC. Maybe that book in me ought to become reality - probably next year when there is more news?

I became aware recently that a number of quite inspirational blogs were inspirational as the author was rapidly approaching the end of their lives and had insights into somewhere I don't want to go for a long time.

When I look at the number of people who took the journey with me and were diagnosed around about the same time as me, there are only 2 who are cured, me in almost remission and another who has a recurrence that medically shouldn't happen! All the rest are dead. Gulp! I'm not counting the ones that have been diagnosed recently. there are 3 others and 1 who is terminal. However, hundreds of other people I know are fine.

A lot of Cancers are treatable, a lot of cancers are still in the realms of if you are diagnosed you will need a small miracle to walk away although I do know Lung Cancer survivors but some of these are pretty nasty things and there isn't much you can do.

Where are all the survivors? What are their stories? Is it just like getting Flu and after a while you get over it and that is it? Is it that, dying and suffering a lot are better press? It is difficult to know. I wonder if there is still a stigma attached to being diagnosed with Cancer. I feel it from people when I tell them and many don't know how to talk to you. They are lucid and interesting conversationalist until you mention the big C and then they get tongue tied and awkward.

Don't get me wrong, I'd find it difficult to strike up a conversation with someone who is dying of something, I mean what do you ask them? I'm British so - of course - I can discuss the weather :-) but for all sensible people out in the world - what are you going to say? How long have you got? What does it feel like? Aren't you going to miss your wife and kids? It is difficult n'est pas? So perhaps when people talk to me - "You look great", "How are you feeling?", "You haven't lost your hair?" , "never heard of it!". It isn't that they are being insensitive it is that it isn't within their experience, the only thing they know is that people generally die from cancer. They treat you warily.

The trouble is that people do survive, those who do survive don't tend to be telling everyone, apparently my Grandparents both had two lots of Cancer each and survived. It got my Grandfather eventually but my Uncle told me that - my parents never did, although I do remember vaguely being told something. There isn't a lot out there about surviving, they say it is on the increase and occasionally you get a story - Kylie Minogue, Ewan McGregor, Patrick Swazy etc. What I am talking about though are the massive amount of people who actually survive. Prostate cancer for example is something, if known about you can die with and not from! Bladder Cancer, as long as it isn't invasive you have a good chance of surviving it. You can walk away from many of these and yet for some reason, as Steve rightly says, you cannot find those stories out there and those are the ones you need.

Survival figures are OK but they are just statistics. I am going to generalise here and repeat something I said a long time ago. The places on the Internet where you find the most information and stories about BC are in fact the places you go when you need to tell your story and get an audience. There was nothing uplifting there apart from people's humanity to their fellow sufferers - there was pain and tears and death and disfigurement and it was all in all a depressing (there - I've said it) experience. I wanted to be uplifted, get some hope and try and work out which way was up and help myself to grasp onto something that no one seemed to be able to help me with. What was going to happen? how am I going to feel? What is it like? That is what I needed not "my treatment has gone wrong", "It didn't work for me", "I've got 3 months left to live" and so on.

I now realise that there are other reasons that you don't see such stuff. It isn't good copy and once you are on the road to recovery you don't need the therapy of writing it down anymore. I see it as my own way of getting the baggage that this cruel little disease causes amongst my family and friends and of course what it does to me off of my chest but at the same time to capture it, it sometimes is trivial ramblings, other times it is what actually happens, no reason to imagine that it doesn't hurt, that it isn't degrading to have things shoved up your privates, no reason to believe that some days it is as boring as life can be and that other days you are glad you are alive - just like normal really.

Maybe then that is it. Do many people just treat Cancer as part of anything else that happens to them and treat it as normal, get on with their lives, don't think too deeply about it, don't feel the need to write about it, research it or do anything else?

It appears that I have asked more questions than provided answers on the subject. I really ought to stop writing this and go and do some work.

The title sounds like an Airplane crash - "Where are all the survivors", they have to be out there somewhere, there just aren't many using the Internet - perhaps you are denied broadband access if you get the Big C??

Have a good weekend.

From one of the clubs I belong to

This arrived with a note of hope. See next blog for the downside.

Communications Breakdown

A really good track by Led Zep of course but more like the train wreck that is going on around me here.

It is getting to be a strange world of dancing around each other at the moment. I walk into a room, they walk out, they walk in and I walk out. There is no temper or animosity here just the need to get some space and not to fire the snipes in which aren't particularly helpful.

I can't say things are going great and I'm not sure how the weekend will be as "A"s boyfriend is off to University this weekend as are many of her friends. Everything is just a little on edge at the moment and frankly I have no idea how it is going to pan out by the time everyone has stopped dancing around their own particular issues perhaps I will get some indication of what the hell is going on.

I have a massive week coming up and need to be getting on with loads of paperwork, clearing my office and organising people for a major meeting next week. These are things that have just piled up and now are urgent when they didn't need to be and could have been tackled earlier. Oh well, I know what I am doing this weekend. Loads of work and keeping my head down and probably staying in my office the whole time.

It isn't over until the Fat Lady sings

No idea where that comes from but it sounded a fun title:

I was asked a number of questions over the past 2 years or so. Here are a few:

Q: Did you think you were going to die?
A: Yes for about 2 or 3 weeks until I went and found the answers to most of the questions that needed answering.

Q: How can you let people stick things up your (Penis/Prick/Todger)?
A: It is a bit like this - what happens if I don't let them? You die!! Simple choice really

Q: Why are you so happy all the time?
A: Because life is too short to be unhappy. Because I am probably cured. Because what is there to be unhappy about - I'm alive. Any variants on the same are acceptable.

Q: How can Cancer be funny?
A: You have to have it to see the funny side. I'm not being disrespectful you do have to laugh at the things that happen. if you didn't you'd cry. I still remember with eye watering clarity kicking my urine collection bag across the ward and then realising it was attached by a pipe to my catheter which was in turn inserted in me. Now it wasn't that funny then but it is now.

Q: Do you think you will die of Bladder Cancer?
A: No I will die when my heart stops working! Actually I don't think it will be BC, maybe another type or some sort of heart problem (although I am on preventative drugs for that). Natural causes like getting old would be preferable.

Q: Aren't you annoyed that you no longer work in the IT world?
A: Don't forget I worked in IT in the Finance world - look what is happening now. Glad I realised that it was a shallow and non honorable towards the end and got out. I sometimes miss the wage packets and all that but I don't think I'll miss the two faced nature of the business these days.

Q: Working for the Third Sector has to be tiresome?
A: No, far from it, it is actually (but don't tell anyone) the best job in the world. Where else do you get to pull kids out of poverty and make sure that they aren't singled out as different. Giving Kids the opportunity to an education is the best work in the world - no it really is. Imagine using all my years of experience to make sure others get a good start in life. The best thing I ever did. I didn't plan it that way either!

Q: Why go for a Degree?
A: Why not. I never got the opportunity when I was young. I've had the goal of getting better. That is almost achieved now - I need another goal to be as stretching as getting better. How about going for a BA (Hons) Degree?

Q: Why do you keep banging on about collateral damage?
A: There is no doubt that I have made new friends through being ill but also, old friends haven't been able to cope with me being ill through whatever reason. Some have drifted away and may drift back. Prejudice is inherent with Cancer (not sure why) and people who haven't got cancer deal with it in different ways. You mustn't forget that people of my age rarely saw anyone survive cancer, or if they did, it came back and got them later. Of course things have improved but your subconscious carries these prejudices around. Back to the point of you'll lose and you'll gain some friends and you'll also not realise but you change yourself and so people wont recognise you for who you used to be and you may lose them through that.

So now think how those who have to live with you all the time react to you changing, you being ill, I'm sure they may have thought I'd die too. What does it do to them and maybe you come out changed and they don't. This is where the collateral damage concerns arise. You can try and minimise it but just think of the strain that it puts the family under. At the time, the last thing I'd be considering is what is my illness doing to them - I am fully concentrated on fighting my own little battles.

Cancer is a physical disease with the capacity to really screw around with your brain :-)

I know I SHOULD be at work

But I was tired and not with it at all this morning. Not the beer, only had a couple, more the brain going into overdrive on a task I now "own" that needs to be sorted pretty quickly.

I have so many silly little things that need to get done that I had the whole lot going around my head overnight and now I am drained thinking about them all.

At least I have a clear way of addressing these and a day at home will straighten many of them out.

Normality

What is normality? I'm returning to normality someone told me! Hardly, there is little normal left these days. I think it would be a good exercise to go back and look at a before and after and see what things have changed in the past 26 months or so.

I quite like the fact that a number of people at work know and a number don't know what I have been through and that is interesting just to see their reaction and their way of dealing with it. Normal people are generally far less comfortable than those who have had something seriously wrong with them.

I met someone who was uncomfortable watching the Paralympic Games. I wasn't uncofortable about that at all. I'd suggest to you that every one of those athletes puts me to shame as I just had Bladder Cancer. Whatever they had was far more serious than me and what did they do? They went and achieved great things. I was very moved by it but to say it was uncomfortable? I think normal may indeed be defined like that - I need to think about it more to come up with an answer on it. I wonder if people looked or indeed still look at me as being "disabled" and all the baggage that tends to go along with that? I know I was treated differently in a previous job.

Oh well, the beer draws near and this question can wait a bit longer but one worth starting I think. Are people with Cancer looked on with the same prejudices?

The answer should be there shouldn't be any but if I look deep down inside, I'm sure that there are areas that still need a change in attitude.

What a day

I surprised myself the sheer volume of work I got through and I don't feel tired and - here is the good bit - my Nephew is coming over to take me out for a beer! Excellent, I'll enjoy that.

This happened last week too as I recall, no doubt it will all catch up with me tomorrow or the day afterwards!

I'm getting worried that I am picking up someone else's work at the moment and keep dropping hints to that person that they shouldn't lose "ownership" of their stuff to me but as much as I hint.....

Perhaps a word in the bosses ear?

Anyway, apart from the normal dashing to the toilet every 45 minutes to an hour everything is under control and I am beginning to lift myself slowly out of the rut.

Good to get back to work

It was a bad night's sleep but I was up and this job is so good you want to get up and go, I have to feel really bad not to.

I had loads to do today and so was kept busy but boy am I tired now. It is just gone 9 in the evening and I should have finished off some documents but I am really tired and it is taking me ages to drag myself through it. I think I will leave it - at least tomorrow I stand a good chance of getting it done in half the time.

I crashed out three big pieces of work today and another couple tomorrow will see most of my key time critical stuff done. Perhaps I can get a breather and get on with other things. My course starts in two weeks and I need to get ready for that. The office is coming back into some sense of normality apart from my laser printer is being thrashed to death by "A" as she gets up to speed with her coursework.

Whilst I am feeling tired I am feeling different. Upbeat maybe, certainly I am feeling quietly confident and happy that treatment is behind me. Not a great whooping of joy or anything like that as of yet but certainly a gradual and noticeable lifting of the spirits.

All I need now is to get my head back into its old organised mode and I will be really pleased.

Procrastination

I'm still not getting anywhere with the procrastination going on in the household. We nearly didn't get a holiday at all with all the messing about going on, messing around at University and the fallout since. "A" has now gone to college but lives at home and the upheaval that has brought about are all causing a little less than a settled and calm home life.

Now there is the round of farewell parties going off as all her friends go to University. OK but coming in at midnight when I have to get up at 5:30 is going to cause a wee bit more friction before the week is out.

Anyway, the next bit of fun is that "C" has signed up for an evening course for the next 17 weeks, mid week which also messes up diary dates and commitments. My course starts in October and I have spent today sorting that out and trying to get dates in the diary and planned. My Operation screws up Christmas - or the lead up to Christmas and potentially all the things I should be involved with, I did expect it to be around 16th December but earlier will mess up a lot of things.

I hope that we get some sort of closure on this soon, it is messing up any plans I may make - it is unsettling and it is time to settle down.

Cure or Remission?

The longer you go clear with bladder cancer the more chance you have to say that you are cured. There are a number of ways to work out "your chances" based on data gleaned from previous cases.

The longer you are clear the better - but it can still recur - and so you don't actually get cured you get remission. If there is anything that nags at the back of your mind it is the possibility that you could get this again and go through the treatments and operations for another cycle. I'd not like to have to do that but - frankly - if it happened - I'd just have to.

I read an article that in reality GPs and Consultants really cannot say the "cure" word because of the above.

I don't think it is anything to worry about but you can see why they follow up so often and continue to have a peek inside on a regular basis. Again, you'd have thought (if you weren't a cancer patient) that after you get the final all clear that is it but, in reality, I'll be getting regular check ups to make sure all is OK. They aren't exactly the most pleasant tests (see my post on flexible cystoscopy and you'll see why) but if they detect a possible recurrence then it is well worth it.

Profile now on here

I thought it about time I switched my profile on - here it is on the right.

I had to kill off some of my other blogs as they were not pleasant - mainly in terms of me ranting on and using it as a flame room. I've killed that site off now. It has served its purpose of allowing me to scream at the world rather than to do that here.

You can also see my other blogs which I haven't really concentrated on.

Goodbye

Bleach tablets, latex gloves, anti bacterial scrub, tablets, note pad and pen, stress balls and all the other stuff that got me through the treatments.

The paperwork is in my dedicated drawer of Hospital information - it is a massive file already - a lever arch full! The stress balls have been great as they allow you to take out the tension on those whilst getting instilled with the BCG. It certainly gave me something to do with my hands.

In the time that I have been having these treatments I have almost (not quite) read the three massive volumes of Martin Gilbert's History of the Twentieth Century. I am up to 1994 now but I don't want anymore BCGs to allow me to finish that off. I need to make an effort and finish it soon as my course starts in two weeks time and I will need to concentrate on loads of set books and DVDs etc.

I am feeling quite pleased and a little elated this morning. I had the most amazing dream session last night so many dreams - really weird stuff - as they tend to be - but there was no main theme but it was all high octane stuff, rally cars, fast boats, athletes, skiing - maybe it was all about freedom - who knows?

It feels quite curious to be here and taking the next step towards recovery. Another 12 weeks and an operation for biopsies and then a nail biting wait for results will then take everything close to Christmas and the New Year. It would be nice to think that 2009 could start with good news and a lift some of the clouds of the past 2 1/2 years.

Not often

That I write on the blog on the day of treatment and this late at night. It has been a bit of a stinging affair but not nearly as bad as it normally is. Now that is last week and this which is strange.

I'm going to take myself off to bed now and hope that this stays as mild as it is now. What a bit of luck, I was expecting a final reminder of what it can be like. Mercifully it is just a mild one. Phew!

One Habit I won't be sorry to see go

Is the preparation for today's treatment.

This will start in a minute after writing this blog:

• Tablets to bedside
• Notepad and pen to record events to bedside
• MP3 Player to bedside
• Shower and change into jogging bottoms and casual clothes
• Timer ready
• Bleach tablets and liquid ready
• Latex cleaning gloves ready
• Book in bathroom (you gotta believe it I spend anywhere up to 20 minutes a time sitting around)
• Antiseptic wipes ready
• Bio soap ready
• Auto e-mail responder to on
• Mobile phone set to off
• Phone removed from bedroom
• Gilet nearby in case shivers set in

That is the list I think. It all becomes a routine thing to do and I'll be able to not do any of them after today. Still not sure how I feel about it all at the moment. It will be interesting to see what the reaction is like this week. Last week there was enough to know I'd had it but nowhere near what I was expecting. Fingers crossed for a similar experience this time.

Mixed Feelings

Now that the last treatment is here I am daring to look beyond where I am today and on towards the next stage of my life.

The ups and downs so far though are:

• You change - those around you don't.
• FUD - Fear Uncertainty, Doubt - will it come back, collateral damage (to relationships).
• Physically less active and loss of stamina (probably short term).
• Mentally - stronger in some areas (tolerance to pain/procedures).
• Mentally - weaker in some areas (emotions shot to ribbons especially when sad things are on. Empathise with people more).
• Mentally - Assertiveness - much more judgemental, quick to retort and shoot those down who show little mindedness and selfishness - not always my best side or most likable I have to say.
• I thought I had the best job in the world when I was diagnosed, in fact I have the best job in the world now.
• I've lost a lot of my organisational and well planned skills - I am not the logical, planner and person on top of everything I was 2 years ago. Now it is a little too chaotic for me.
• Only I want to do things I want to do. I am completely out of tune with those around me.
• I am much more "laid back" at work and they say that nothing is ever a problem to me. Well it isn't. "How hard can things really be?" I just remind myself of what I have been through and there isn't much can be worse apart from something more serious of course.
• Writing it down is good for you - even if it isn't always the 100% of what you feel or even if you tone the language back a bit.

So much has changed in 26 months that I can hardly believe it. This blog will be 2 years old soon. Whether there is some greater plan at work, I know not. I do have a nagging worry that this isn't the end of things - I suppose we all do. The risk of recurrence is always there unless you have surgery and there is the bottom line for me when I think about it. It was still caught early enough to treat it, sure I had some surgery but not a removal of the bladder which would have still arrived at the same result. You don't have cancer.

What nags away is that I may be more susceptible to other cancers and yet, I am physically fit (despite the obvious limitations of my treatment and fatigue problems), I am mentally tough, I don't have colds or other problems with my health - this is the first real problem I have had in 30 years.

The last treatment? It sure is and it lessens the possibilities of anything nasty happening with that. It can be pretty deadly if this goes wrong. I will not miss the whole experience - it wasn't high up on the things I want to do before I die list anyway. I will not miss the side effects which, either I am getting used to or they lessen as there isn't anything to react to inside my bladder. Certainly, the first tow lots of treatment I ever had were really doing their thing. These days, rough as it is, there isn't anywhere near the pain, debris and side effects as there used to be. I hope that is the case today but who knows it might sign off with a bang :-)

Strange feelings, I won't miss it but at least the bathroom will stop smelling like a swimming pool on a Monday evening.

Last one

The last treatment? I hope so, I really do. This time tomorrow it will be over and I hope that I'll be able to look forward to brighter and better things.

Life around the house isn't all peace and harmony at the moment and I doubt that my rather uncompromising responses actually help the situation when all said and done.

None of these things are "life threatening" and are just trivial - as you know, I really cannot take trivial stuff and arguing about nothing. Oh well serious things elsewhere. A friend called, he lost his Father earlier this year and his wife had a very serious stroke leaving her seriously disabled although she continues to make great progress. She now has Breast Cancer and he has lost his job. Life can be downright cruel. What more does the family have to suffer?

Puts our little spats into some sort of context.

Making Up Your Mind

How difficult can it be to work out what you are doing in a month's time, let alone today.

I find that there is a general lack of decisiveness generally but at home, sometimes, it can really drive me nuts. I am trying to get a decisions - any decision about a number of events that are coming up. Do you think I can get anyone to say yes or even no? Of course not!

So trying to plan anything is almost impossible and even if it is planned they sometime change their minds. Maybe, just maybe when they all get back today I'll get some sort of answers. It isn't for lack of trying.

On a sad note, I just heard that my friend's youngest brother was found dead in New Zealand from, as yet, unknown causes. He was feeling ill, got out of his camper van and the owner of the site found him collapsed dead sometime later. How awful.

Out soon

Hope I can stay awake. Just had a long snooze in the chair and didn't want to as I missed parts of Qualification for the F1 and MotoGP. Doh!

I'll have to try and ensure that I stay awake this evening.

Psychological Boost

I feel really quite well and apart from a very slight dry throat (it is yet another side effect) I'm really feeling quite upbeat and it has to be a combination of having had such a good reception following my presentation on Thursday and that at that point, possibly more than any other, it laid down who I am and what I can do and set the scene. Finally I fit in at work and they - for the first time - saw me presenting in full flow and emphasising in the right place, inserting the humour and playing the audience. That was good and ego is comfortably been stroked with that. I have that smug smile you wear internally when I think about it.

Then, of course, is Monday. How I really want it to be the very last time I have the BCG instillation and yet when I first started having them and didn't know if they would work I had resigned myself to potentially having a life time of them. Within my grasp now is the very real possibility that this will be the last.

I can't even begin to tell you how good that actually feels. Winning the lottery I suppose, getting a gold medal, maybe? It really is a weight off of me and it does actually feel like that too. I do feel lighter and it is amazing how "light" you feel your body is weighing you down and your arms and torso just feel like they are dragging down your shoulders and your head is down. I have no idea how your body does that but you do really notice it.

I am feeling really upbeat today and just want to get on with things that are lying around in my office here.

At long last I am close enough to the end of the tunnel to be dazzled by the light and make out the walls and details. Better than that, it is near enough to smell the fresh air, see the sunshine beaming in to the portal. Not long now and I can be out there, out of the tunnel, off of the roller coaster and emerge blinking into this new landscape. It will be different from the scenery I saw before I entered but that is no bad thing is it?

I need to cope with a few of the extremes of my changed persona - especially the utter confidence and over talkative bit. I need to work on the accepting that a lot of people are in fact idiots and not get sharp, angry or down right rude to them. I also need to work on this emotion thing. I am still finding that side of things quite difficult to cope with. I have a feeling that I see other people's experiences and sort of tack my experience alongside it. I feel really bad for them but not for myself, sort of surrogate suffering :-) I am sure this will subside over time as, I am certain, will all of the other "side effects" both mental and physical.

It is nice not to have to go back to the despair of a year ago. It is great to be alive and to be able to look forward again. When I consider everything else that has happened and the people I know who haven't made it through the same period it is a bit worrying. Three of us survive, at least 3 died and one who survived now has a recurrence. People get Cancer all the time, perhaps it is me but a LOT of people appear to be getting it, maybe I am just attuned to hearing or filtering out the word Cancer in discussions and in print? They said Chernobyl would take 20 years to get us :-) Crikey I hope it isn't that!

Now to pack away the Cancer baggage and move on to see what will happen in the next chapter at the other end of the tunnel.

Hard Day

Boy we were all tired this morning back at work. It takes it out of you setting up and then taking down a presentation and with attendees close to 25 or so we had a lot of networking to do and plenty of sorting out food, teas and coffees as well as doing our own work.

We then did some entertaining and hence I got home latish but then needed to catch up with stuff here.

Anyway, I took an earlier train home and promptly fell asleep on there until we arrived at the station and have walked home. I'm writing this, doing a couple of e-mails and then I am going to get changed and collapse into my arm chair!

I am actually quite pleased that I made it and haven't really had any fatigue problems. What is also quite gratifying was someone noticing that I have lost a bit of weight. I haven't been seriously dieting I have though been taking things easy and laying off big portions etc.

Buzz

Wow, that went down well - my key note speech. However, with all the clearing away and all that - it is now tomorrow! Kind of :-)

I have to be up in 5 hours...

Will I make it?

Blimey - when the fatigue kicks in

It is going to see me over for days. I cannot believe how much work I got done today. All hell broke loose and I contained it all but ended up missing out on a meeting this evening because I was late. There was no way I was going to make it after I had been told early in the morning that extra work needed to be done.

So, I really blitzed the work out and all is now ready for tomorrow. It isn't over and tomorrow is the big day - a large conference - I have the keynote speech which I am relishing and dreading at the same time. I am also facilitating one of the Syndicate sessions. Additionally, as I know a bit about technology, I am looking after IT during the day too.

It is going to be the biggest challenge I have faced and I am looking forward to it. I know just how much this will take out of me and I have to entertain some into the evening too. That too is OK but after that will come the payback and I have no doubt I will be wiped out for the weekend. It was nice to hear from a friend of a friend this evening that my people are pleased with what I deliver.

Other than that - today was my day, I forgot about most of the the day to day and got on and made my mark today...

Am I ever tired but, I need to be on top of my game tomorrow.

I bet you can't tell it was a bad day today

:-)

About the worst day I have had in terms of head stuff. I'm trying to work out how I am the villain of the piece but then I don't do beat around the bush or gloss over or some other sort of "it didn't really happen" stuff.

You know if you ask me a question you will get the answer you don't want so why ask me. I go back to the curse of the INTJ (Myers Briggs Personality Type). I don't see things other than what they are, I cut through all the bull and get to the point. In my eyes if you ask me whether something is black or white then it will be one of those it wont be anything else - I don't deal in anything other than that.

It annoys the hell out of me when I'm asked something and I spend time analysing and coming back with a reasoned and well thought through argument for it to be ignored. The fun part is that you'll get even more annoyed with me when it gets to the point of "I told you so!"

So - bad day? You bet. I've got a house full of moody women and although I managed to get out for an hour with a friend for a beer and a get it off my chest session when I got back all I got was "you're back early!"

Anyway, back to work tomorrow. Woe betide anyone who wants to give me grief tomorrow. I really have had a belly full of that today.

Dealing With It!

How difficult is it to talk to someone who is dying? How about expressing your feelings to a friend who's loved one is seriously ill. Do you know what to say? Do you feel inadequate and can't put the right words together?

That is how people deal with me when they know what I have or rather had.

Then there is the other side of the coin. Only if you have had something like this can you begin to get near to understand what it does to you mentally and physically. You put up with a hell of a lot of things and your mind has its own battles with itself inside your head and sometimes you just have to let it do that. The fear and the terrible dreams and the (lets not beat about the bush here) the pain of it can best be described as indescribable (I have always wanted to use that phrase and had to work it in somewhere).

The worst bit is acting normally and then getting treated normally because actually, you wouldn't mind a bit of sympathy sometime. But we all know where sympathy is placed in the Dictionary (if you don't it is between Sh1t and Syphilis) - it's an old saying we used to use.

So what am I banging on about? Well I'm getting some of the anger out of my system. You see, it's actually another problem when dealing with it and that is the very real worry that it will come back, that - then - at best you may have to go through all of this again or at worst - well you don't want to thing of that but it could be that would be possible. With BC there are some other avenues for sure, like get it all cut out and use a bag which - if it keeps you alive - is acceptable I think.

No the issue is - am I more susceptible to cancer from now on or have I got past that. I've discussed that your personality doesn't change but your attitude does and your outlook does and those who know you well either get used to it or they don't. I can't say I always like the "new me", it can be quite assertive and also quite dismissive, critical and I don't do messing around or dithering or procrastination. I'm hard on myself because my "performance" has dropped off and my brain isn't as fast as it used to be and physically I'm a mere shadow of my former self but all these things are adding up to do one of two things:

Either you like me like this and get it
You can't understand it and don't like me.

The latter lot need to decide what it is to be and stop pussy footing around and perhaps I need to take the initiative a bit more.

Whatever it is, the depth of all the issues that face anyone in this situation really does lead you to consider your own mortality, then, what you want to do about it. Those who don't "get it" may not understand that as a Cancer Survivor, every day is far more precious than before, things sometime cannot wait as you may not see them done at all. Other people's petty bickering and flirting (by that I mean just not getting on and making a decision) all don't have a place. I see it at work and wonder why the huge fuss over nothing? What earthly good can come of wasting your life in discussions or arguing about what font size to write a document in and so on.

Talk to a group of Cancer sufferers and those who have recovered and their whole outlook on life is different. I connect with these people easily now and immediately you find out that they have or have had Cancer, there is a rapport that comes from knowing this stuff "ain't for sissies" and that they will understand the issues you are having with non sufferers in general. It doesn't make things at all easy as relationships you have had for a long time I have found begin to suffer.

And Another Thing

Only one more left to go. Then in three months an operation (Yuk) but that should give them sufficient data to see whether I have won the lottery or not.

So far it has all been good news. The longer you go without recurrence the better it is. It has been close to 13 months now and by December 17 months clear - well with no cancer there. Same thing.

Could it be that this whole episode can be wrapped up and put in the "experience" cupboard? I do hope so.

The problems now are dealing with it - next post deals with what I mean.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Yep,

Good - Was OK and apart from a little discomfort on instillation all was OK a little bit sore and the usual this morning but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I expected this time.
Bad - "A" spent 4 hours on her first day at Uni and decided she doesn't want to carry on.
Bad - Whilst I am in the worst state of this treatment (about hours 4 to 6 in) they want to talk to me about it. Ugly - how it got when I lost my temper. At about that time, I have aches in my joints, minor cramps in my arms and legs, muscle spasms in my bladder and my middle feels sore, let alone my marriage tackle feels like it has been kicked inside my body. The very last thing I need is some "decision" to make and it isn't my decision anyway, if that is what they want to do, get on with it. Just leave me alone to stew - I feel like sh1te anyway, don't make me feel any worse than that. As you can tell I wasn't happy - not with the news itself, that made me feel sad really but, I'm not the one there and whilst I may ask awkward questions and be less than amused by how quickly defeat was admitted - it isn't exactly rocket science if you don't like the people and you don't like your flat mates etc.

Ugly - No one listens to my advice anyway, they ask a question, don't get the answer they want and go off and do what they planned to do in the first place. To say I needed that sort of conversation as I was doing my wriggling about thing would be an understatement. I can barely combat all the twinges and spasms going on in my body let alone think straight.

So give me a break. I wouldn't go and ask an RTA victim directions, would you?

Forgetful people

No matter how widely I tell people that I cannot take messages or talk to them or do anything when I am having this BCG treatment you still get the idiots who want to call or say didn't you get my e-mail and all that.

Drives you wild. I wonder if some people are just thick or stupid or both. Whatever it is, it is always them that have been put out by my lying in a darkened room. Selfish gits. :-)

It is all downhill after today

Penultimate Treatment. A bit like the Olympic Stars saying - "It hasn't sunk in yet". It hasn't; but I am beginning to think the unthinkable, that perhaps in 2009 it will all be over.

At least I am in a better mood this morning. The crazy bit is that what I probably need to do is to be quite brutal to the people who cannot get organised and let me know on time and if they want to come along on Wednesday and they haven't informed me prior to the deadline that I just say NO. That will teach them! You can lead a Horse to water and all that.....

So, how is today going to be? Well, judging by this morning, I'm the one slightly stressed out and I really shouldn't be as I've done everything I can do and it is out of my hands now. I need to just wind down a few notches as I don't want to be tense when I get the treatment done. You don't want to be wound up or stressed out for that - no way.

I'll fire off some warning e-mails and C is pretty good if anyone phones up - she tells them that I I've had my treatment and I'm lying in a ball upstairs - "Do you really want me to disturb him?" Those that do, soon realise that the very last thing I want to be doing for about 24 hours is talking to anyone, not that I can often with the croaky voice I get with this. Funny side effects it gives you, the worst being the fuzzy brain when you hunt for words - it is really frustrating to find that you stop in mid ......

Sentence :-)

Right, doing the blog isn't going to help me complete my work so I had better get on.

Today

I cant say that this weekend has been high up in my list of happy or enjoyable times. I'm under pressure to get some work done and I am not being helped because I haven't got answers back by today to enable me to do that. Treatment will prevent me actually getting things done in time.

I've had the trauma of A and C getting to University, deciding whether or not to stay at the Flat - gee thanks for that 1 year's rent down the toilet or not? As you know I really don't like indecisive people. Unfortunately the weekend of almost minute by minute U turns drove me nuts and even now I'm sure I haven't heard the last of that. A now has one of her flat mates turn up who she has taken an instant dislike to. Maybe it is just me, I've had to work with plenty of people I don't see eye to eye with but there you go.

Being a planned person it also doesn't help when things get ordered from me last minute and so generally I was pretty unimpressed by this weekend's goings on.

In the meantime, I have been trying to sort myself out and get ready for my Key Note speech on Thursday but again, people are missing the big picture and scratching at some minor detail and totally missing the point there. I need to tell someone tomorrow.

It all actually builds back to the treatment which will take me out for a day and a half. I need that time not because of anything I have failed to do but because everyone else around me has missed their deadlines, cannot make their minds up or are otherwise being priggs and they all want me to sort out their problems. Normally I would do so but I can't and I know that something is going to give later this week, I'm just not sure what. Certainly someone is going to get the sharp edge of my tongue if nothing else.

Getting ready

Yes Monday will be a bit of a landmark day I suppose, it will be my penultimate treatment and in a way I am beginning to get enthusiastic again about what I can do once this is a little further out of the way. The limitation being, I guess, my physical state but despite that, I really am looking forward to not having this treatment as an excuse. I know that the next 6 weeks or so will see a repeat of the side effects but, apart from the operation in December, that could be it for a while.

I'm sort of tired of not doing things and I am looking forward to getting some of my social life back.

The treatment does fuddle your brain though and sticking at things other than work seem to give me difficulty, I cannot really go beyond a couple of hours intensive brain work and less than that if it is physical without needing a break. I did manage to get some stuff done this morning but this afternoon I am struggling.

Time to go and read through my course notes for my Foundation course I think and map down what I'll need to be doing in the next 9 months of study.

Somewhat unexpectedly

C has decided to stay down with A at her flat. Nice to give me 5 minutes notice I always think!

It also proved a little more than difficult to ferry the other child to her appointment this evening given I got 10 minutes notice that it was required and the fact, which after I had explained it, sunk in, that my car wasn't in fact in the driveway as they happened to have used it to move into the flat and if they looked out of their window would have seen my car a good many miles away from where it was needed to undertake the errand they had asked me to.

Noting like a plan and let's face it that was nothing like a plan as they also managed to leave their credit cards and cash here as well so not a lot got done at all.

What hacks me off is that no one even thought that through and then I get it in the neck!

Anyway, it is late and I'd best go to bed I suppose. I can have a real moan tomorrow if one or either of them gets back.

Off to University

A has just left with her Mum. I'm a little bit envious. I doubt she sees it the same way I do. I never got the chance to go to University and so that is why I am envious.

I could have gone, I was good enough to go and do History - I remember it well, it just wasn't what you did and I very much doubt my parents could have paid for the privilege either. Our school really wasn't set up like that. If I had gone where I was meant to go to school then things may have been different. I am of course making up for that now by studying for History now and I start next month myself.

However, the way my office looks at the moment after we have rifled it for stuff to go to University with A I need a weekend to clean it all up to get ready.

It is strange but I'm really pleased for A, I don't feel that she has moved out and that's it or any great upheaval like some parents do and all this outpouring of emotion and tears etc - what is all that about? The last thing we need is for any upset to be happening it is probably stressful enough for this next few weeks - to her it is the unknown and she is the one being brave and getting on with it, the last things she needs is for her supportive parents to be blabbing at her departure.

She has the next 3 (or 4 if Gap year) to have a great time, make friends for life, set up her career and become independent. What an opportunity? Good for her.

What a heavy day yesterday was

Full on day and I managed to get a mass of things done. I'm on a working party for a new campaign. That isn't easy work as it combines 4 disparate organisations and tries to give out a common message about them. Much gnashing of teeth and wailing :-) However, massive progress yesterday. I don't agree with most of the outcome it is shows little ambition but hey ho!

The rest of the day was given over to the forum next week. My speech and presentation is a key one and needs some serious work - I am at home today to do justice to that. I need to produce a book about it as well which is almost finished. Additionally the delegates packs needed thinking through and getting started, I again got that moving. I need to produce about 10 documents by Monday morning but this suits me. A is off to University today and I wanted to be home to make sure that I at least waved her off. I can't go with her as the car is so full of stuff there is only room for two including the driver so C will go with A down to her new flat and work out what is needed as there are bound to be things they need.

Last night I got to the station and they cancelled my train so I went and worked at my club up the road. That was useful as I got a lot more thinking work done. The downside was I did another 3 hours work more than I normally do and so I was absolutely knackered when I got home. I reckon if I hadn't been working from home today that I would have to have gone in late or taken the day off anyway.

Anyway, plenty to do, must dash.

Jazz

How do they know just when to join in and make a great sound? Well I should know a bit about this being a musician - you just feel it and join in and jam along.

It was a lovely evening and I did enjoy myself and that is the point isn't it? Just get over the hump that says "don't" and just get past that and go and do "stuff". It is liberating, I just wished that I let go a bit more really. We "Brits" can be a bit reserved and we don't really let our hair down. Perhaps we should, we are good company and I managed to get at least 10 laughs this evening on the table.

Unfortunately the part of "annoying talking animal is already taken" - don't you just love Shrek and (of course) we get a slightly different version in the UK - we have Jonathan Ross as the Ugly Sister/Barkeep! (Like Jay Leno but without the chin or humour!).

Anyway - so nice to get out and let rip a little - I was in danger of disappearing up my own backside :-)

Blat

Kerpowww, wallopp! Thwack.

Yep - great words - just how I felt today, I had forgotten the hoarse voice and the brain scramble you get with this treatment. Boy did I do some work today. I got a the document finished, a whole load of stuff for the presentation next week done, two letters and another two documents fixed plus a few other things including getting my brochure approved for printing.

I am knackered but I am not resting I am off out tonight to the Jazz Club - great I could do with an evening out.

Ready to go to work

And there are still 10 minutes before I have to leave. Terrible night's sleep I slept fitfully and my legs were playing merry hell with a sort of mild cramping in each - enough to merit attention but not enough to turn into cramp. They still ache this morning.

I feel awake enough - I guess I will get tired quickly once I get to work and actually catch up and then do something.

The crazy, strange and beguiling world of BCG immunotherapy - welcome to my world :-)

The Trouble with Sleeping in

Is that at 11 pm I am wide awake and I need to be up at 5:30 am....

This is the tough bit - I made sure that I got a lot of rest as when I haven't in the past, it has wiped me out. The problem now is that come Thursday I will be utterly knackered and perhaps I'll ask to work at home on Friday - that would help things along nicely as we only do 6 hours on Friday and I could do more here as I wouldn't need to travel.

Right - off to bed and see if I can actually get some sleep?

Treatment 1 of 3

Was - as usual - a little bit sore to start with but once done it was OK. I was in and out in no time which was a relief, nothing quite like waiting for 20 minutes to have a pipe shoved up you :-)

The usual turning, pills and going in and out of the toilet with bio hazard precautions followed.

It sure did sting a couple of times and I've thrown out some large lumps of bladder lining this morning but I feel OK. I feel sore around my middle - not surprisingly and a little befuddled which is pretty normal. I am trying to sort out my office and just don't really feel up to it and I remind myself that I really should be sitting down or having bed rest. I will do that soon I think as it is stupid to come up here and overdo things, I've done that before and it just sets you back.

Other than that - not a lot to report - strange and bizarre dreams no sign of the tormentors anymore thank goodness.

I'm glad I am alright and I am pleased that there are only two more to go - I know that they will be a little worse than this one but it still goes back to no pain, no gain and positive attitude that these things, unpleasant as they are do work and the results have been wonderful so far.

Here we go again

Let it be the last time. There could only be so many Rocky Movies so please let this be the last lot of three BCG treatments that I need.

The traditional ritual or perhaps habit now kicks in. I have had my lunch at 11:30 and my last drink before midday. My treatment is at 2 pm. If I get there a little early perhaps I will get done a little earlier too. I now need to get my drugs together, something to read and perhaps something to listen to. Additionally I will get my notepad to keep a record of things as they happen and my bleach and stuff to go into the toilet.

I've signed off from work with an auto response message and I only now need to concentrate on getting everything in place.

I remember last time it being worse than I remember and strangely the brain has a wonderful way of not remembering that.

This time I have been less "nervous" although I can feel slight apprehension at the moment it isn't anywhere near what it was prior to the first times.

Anyway, I sure hope that this lot does its stuff and that come December we can turn a page, start a new chapter and move on.

I thought about my cousin the other day who is having chemotherapy and remembered what a personal thing it is having treatment. No matter what you say to people you cannot express what it is like. You have to go through it yourself to fully understand it and words are not enough. Many people say that they don't know how I could let people do what they do to me - and I certainly was in that camp myself but when the end justifies the means you can accept just about anything. The call it life because they don't call it practice or rehearsal. Once you get that into your head and that maybe life is a little more interesting than the alternatives the choices are do it and live or don't and die :-)

Profound stuff for a Monday :-) Anyway, here we go and my Open University Foundation Course stuff has just arrived - excellent.

24 Hours

To go to treatment and I'm not thinking too much about it apart from noting it down here. I am wondering whether to work with the very real possibility that these three could be the last and that way I can work my mind into "only three more to go" and so on down to "last one!"

Of course, that isn't to say that this is the lot and I won't need anymore of course. Considering how vigorous this was initially and how they couldn't believe the biopsies and the way they had managed to tackle this, I suppose I ought to be prepared for it to come back? As I said before it can do that but the longer you go without a recurrence, the more likely it is it will have gone altogether. The other good thing is that it is relatively slow growing and can be caught (although I am guessing not in all cases).

Already I am feeling much better about the future and I am beginning to pull out and away from my normal demeanour perhaps back to somewhere and something like I was 5 or more years ago. I strongly believe that I have been "ill" for some time before I actually got ill. On reflection I was getting lethargic and lost interest in lots of things and didn't really want to get involved in anything.

It is a strange thing to say but the changes happening to me at the moment are quite surprising. I know I am getting better. I can feel my attitude and outlook on life and general confidence and self esteem are rising. It is about time - I'm getting slightly less cautious about things concerning my life and my future. There are less reasons not to do something - so less objections to suggested evenings out, going visiting and socials which I have tended to avoid (even if I do enjoy things once I am there).

My only challenge at the moment is to get beyond the fitness, fatigue and exhaustion stage which is probably the most annoying thing as it just happens often without any warning and it can just wipe you out. I think the one thing I do need to do is not take on so much at a time and to pace it properly. Trying to continue on like I used to and doing too much just isn't going to help.

Mountain of stuff to do

I have sat down at my desk and looked at a complete mountain load of things I need to get done. It is a bit daunting when you see quite how much there is but I just need to work my way through it all. That isn't easy when I keep getting trivial interruptions and also that the remainder of the household seem to be using my office a lot today!

I just hope I can get through all of this stuff in the next few days as my desk and my large work table / drawing board are disappearing under all sorts of paper, boxes and CDs, DVDs etc.

It is amazing quite how it gets like this. My desk at work is ordered tidiness but here it looks as if a small bomb has been thrown in to the room.

I'm surprised at how Monday's treatment hasn't been playing on my mind and it was only really in the last few days I began to think about it. Whilst I am not looking forward to this - I can, I think, take the view that these may the last ones of these I have to do. I might well need a yearly flexible cystoscopy but that is probably going to something I can deal with slightly differently to these and I understand that they are done locally too which is a great weight off my mind as having to get to the first Hospital we went to which has very little parking and is a fair drive away, at least this one is so near that I'll be able to get home quickly and suffer in silence rather than squirm inside a car or taxi for 30 or more minutes!

Anyway, three more to go and perhaps this episode can be placed into the experience drawer and life can get back to whatever next it will throw at me.

Weekend, Rest, Treatment

My - hasn't the gap between treatments flown by? It hardly seems 9 weeks ago I finished off the last lot.

I feel tired but happy today - work has been hard and hectic this week but they like the work I do and how much I do. The next few weeks will be trying for us as I try and squeeze 5 days work into effectively 3 and a half days!

Lots of things going on as well that I must turn my attention to. A is off to Uni and her flat becomes available on Monday. She won't move in until later as I will be having my treatment on Monday and there isn't really a great rush for that.

I am trying to see what my schedule is like for the rest of the year and I am trying to sort out days and dates when we are all together. I've probably got to accept that it will not be that often.

On another note - the people I used to work for (oh no I didn't that's right :-) ) have been in touch with the people that I introduced them to (or didn't as they will have me believe) and it looks as if they have been somewhat shafted and are having to do something else which is fantastic and wonderful but they can't say what it is yet :-)

Maybe, just maybe they'll have got the message for it was a year ago now that we all went up to Scotland to get trained after it having been launched in June 2007 and here we are almost in September 2008 and they have - well nothing. Tragic isn't it?

What on earth were they thinking? Oh well, I suppose I ought to thank them for allowing me to break with the old world and join the Third Sector. What a difference.

Baggage Handling

Not at the airport, in and around yourself. What a load of stuff we accumulate and things that we "have" to do and yet, the world would squeeze by without me and things would have gotten done and suddenly all the trappings and possessions seem to be trivial. Some things are nice to have, some things I wonder what on earth I was thinking. Stuff just accumulates and builds up and it is is beginning to get in my way.

Suddenly things are changing again and the course has altered again. Not sure where I'm actually going but there is a change in the wind and that's refreshing in itself. Maybe I am finally coming to terms with the events of the past few years?

I will just have to see where it leads me - it isn't clear but I felt I really turned a corner today.

Fight back

I had a dream last night but this time it was different. For a long while, a familiar face (I have yet to place it) beats me up and I am defenceless to stop him. It is a short and sadistic - no blood - punching and kicking affair and I lie there and take it.

Not in last night's dream. The shock on his face when I laid into him was good to see. It is perhaps a poignant reminder that these past few weeks and months of fatigue and tiredness are transient parts of my recovery and that it isn't going to stop me from recovering or drag me back. I just wont let it and that is final. As you'd expect from me the punishment was short and effective and that was it, no gloating or sucker punching.

This guy's gone the way of the black dog and if he comes back he'll get more of the same. The road is forward from now on and it is time to shake off some of the baggage that has accumulated these past 2 years.

Went OK

I was tired today and it wasn't helped by rescheduling a meeting forward to today. As usual - chaos ensued and I just managed to get things sorted in time.

I felt tired enough to fall asleep in the chair for 20 minutes when I got in though.

I'd be off to bed now but one of the kids has decided to take a late shower which is a lot of use when I am trying to get to bed!

Back to work

I will get back tomorrow and prepare for the next 3 weeks of interrupted service with my treatment. Right in the middle of it we have a major meeting that requires my attention and there are all sorts of pressures to get things done as well.

I suppose I ought to be looking forward to getting back to it tomorrow but in reality it is the effort required to get to and from work that appears to be giving me some of my problems. Perhaps I can work out some arrangement?

Positive Thinking

I've always tried to be positive and yet recently, as I realise that I am coming out of this part of the journey, I find myself - not worrying - that would be too much to say - but at the back of my mind is the concern that there is something else out there which is going to get me because this one didn't.

I know that is a strange thing to say but the nagging feeling is that if you get one cancer, are you likely to get another one - are you "more susceptible" perhaps? No one seems to have answered that and I don't like thinking about it but there it is this little voice in the back of my head saying those sorts of things. It isn't black dog invading my mind and dreams and making me depressed or anything either. Just one of those things that niggles in the background.

I'm still positive and upbeat though and if it wasn't for the fatigue, disturbed sleep patterns and other reminders of how weak I am, I'd be pretty certain that I'm on the right road. I need to remind myself that it has taken 25 months to get this far and that this is a long term thing. It isn't getting over a cold and going back to work exactly the same as you were before it. This totally changes you physically and mentally.

Another missed day

I was wide awake last night and couldn't get to sleep and knew that I'd be in no fit state to go to work so I e-mailed at about 1 in the morning telling them that. It is a real nuisance but part of the territory. I have to admit to myself now that I really cannot expect to be fit and healthy and manage to work as hard as I did yesterday and not suffer the consequences of that afterwards.

I'm OK but I do know that I've overdone it. The trouble is my ability to go out for an evening or even have a few beers is limited and I find myself tired or wide awake or like now, having the hot and cold sweats for no apparent reason.

Frustration at the way this hits me is another thing. It annoys me when I can't go to work but then again, I need to realise that this is all part of the fallout of having cancer. It is a long fight and when you get to the end of the treatment, like now, you let you guard down and forget just how poorly you were and just how much it has taken out of you.

Slowly it dawns on me how tired travelling to London and back every day makes me, let alone the work I do. Treatment starts next week and I know what that will be like for a while. It is a long road back to being fit and healthy again - I have to realise that being free of cancer doesn't mean I am cured, or recovered from all the mental and physical stresses and strains of the fight.

So tired was I that

I didn't actually post my Friday message until just now! I went to bed and slept for the Gold medal :-)

I got up Saturday, took the sample in, repaired this guys PC - gee did it have some viruses on it, went to a 50th party and have been wiped out today.

Anyway - now a little less tired I am retiring to bed.

Tomorrow week the treatment starts and that will bring its own interest - I was talking to some people last night about the "ability" to have the treatment and I really do hope that these three will be the last. It would be nice to set off with a clean sheet in 2009.

Stop messing with the Gravity Switch

I am convinced there is someone playing with the gravity switch. By which I mean this on off of fatigue I keep getting. It is just as if someone turned a switch. I feel absolutely wiped out tonight. I got home, fell asleep n the train and as I got in and sat in my chair.

It is the most amazing feeling as if a weight is pressing down on your whole body. You just don't want to try and get up and move against the force.

It is 9 in the evening and I write this just as I am about to go to bed as I just want to go and sleep.

I've got someone wants me to go and check out his PC or something and I have to get a sample into the Hospital in the morning and I must catch up with a huge backlog of things.

What a good evening out

I didn't really want to go but decided that I should get out as I was being a little bit negative about things.

Good thing to - I thoroughly enjoyed my evening and had a lovely meal, in good company.

What struck me was that one of my oldest friends was wondering whether we had fallen out?? Oh my, what had I done? Well - I just hadn't been in touch and for 6 weeks which is just amazing. Of course I haehaven't fallen out with him. Just time has disappeared and in my current inward looking phase I have just let work and tiredness get in the way of other things which are - frankly - rather important. I must be on the look out for that. I am concentrating so hard on me that I am not taking into account other people. Note to self - sort that out sooner rather than later.

Work is frenetic

Which is good - but wow - do I ever feel tired. There are about 5 main projects all in different stages of readiness and I am juggling to keep all the balls in the air.

That is fine but I also need to make some room for all my work here at home. I've been that knackered that I really haven't achieved much in the way of progress but I intend to this weekend. We have a bank holiday on Monday but that has now been booked with people coming around. So just Saturday and Sunday. I have lots to catch up and do and I've been invited out tomorrow evening. I suppose I ought to go to that.

A isn;t back from a brief holiday with her pals.

Tired

I stopped off to meet some friends at a Pub in London and just stayed for a few. I am so tired now that I am off to bed early again.

I have a full day of it tomorrow and so need to be up early and getting prepared.

I wish I could spend a little more on work here but perhaps this weekend I can set myself up to catch up.

Fatigue coming in again

Hit me over the weekend and again today - luckily not at work but I just fell asleep in front of the TV and so came up here to knock out a blog, catch up with some e-mail backlog. Got a call someone wants me to fix their PC for them. No use telling retired people that I work down the week and as usual, I said I'd help out!

I really cannot keep up these days. Thanks goodness a bank holiday coming up but realised that I am about to go back on treatment Monday week! I'll need to get my sample in this Friday or Saturday then I suppose! They do a cytology test on your urine these days to make sure there are no traces of blood. I believe that they have the ability to actually test for BC as well at the same time too.

So back to being tired and how to combat it. I suppose the only real way to do this is to work on fitness and trying to be clever with time. I have lots to do and yet I really am not managing my time well. Work is something that I concentrate very hard on and that I get in and don't stop until I go home. I do however go home on time every day - but I don't have a break at lunch time and just blitz my way through the day. I am guessing that I ought to start to have a break at lunchtime :-) As I have my University course starting in a month, I will make time every day to do something. I need to sort myself out this weekend to get my course books and set aside my time to myself to get stuck in. I'm pretty excited about the prospect but not about the time I may lose around Christmas with the operation - although perhaps being stuck at home I'll be able to really get stuck in?

I'm going to take myself off to bed and see if I can get a good night's sleep and see if that helps me.

Weekend without a blog?

Well almost - I went out Friday evening and just haven't felt brilliant since. I feel the fatigue coming on and it is as if I am ailing from something but not quite.

I don't seem to be able to sit down and concentrate on doing things that I should do. Mainly such things as getting back up to speed with all my administration work. I'm going to have to sort things out soon as already I can see a back log of work.

I didn't even get around to doing any blogging this weekend. The Olympics kept me amused and it has been two good days but the real reason is that I just don't feel like doing anything at all at the moment. Maybe I will snap out of it later.

I must be getting older

Or perhaps more sensitive to information. Everyone seems to have cancer or know someone who does. It just seems to be one of those things that I'm tuned into I suppose. The trouble is that a lot of the ones I am hearing about are really aggressive and sudden and nearly everyone of them has been terminal of late.

I'm thinking to myself "there but by the grace of G-d go I!!"

I'm actually feeling very well indeed. I could do with losing a few pounds but other than that and the tiredness which isn't as bad but is in the background, I'm OK. Long may it remain that way.

A day for losing my sense of humour and for celebration

A Level results day so A went off and got her results which were better than expected and more than she needs to go to Uni. She is out with her friends enjoying a few drinks to celebrate. Not all did so well and so whilst we are pleased there are some worried faces and clearing but it looks as if they are all sorted with a place.

As for my loss of humour. I bought an online season ticket months ago and use it every day - yesterday it sort of didn't work so I went to change it just like it says I can. Now here is the "BUT". You can't just change it because you bought it on line we need to see the receipt - no matter that the ticket has my ID card and name written all over it!! So I dutifully get that and go in early this morning. They want 15 minutes to sort it out! I need to be put on the system and I would have missed my train and so I go and wait for my train and 15 minutes later when the train is due they cancel it (they wait until the minute it was due to do this). I then go over the platform and get another train which is of course really crowded and get to London where I try again to sort the ticket. Oh no, I can do it but it will take me 15 or 20 minutes and it isn't issued from here you should go to your home station - I explain that I had already done this.

Leaving work early so I can get to the station in time, I am surprised to find my ticket now works quite nicely at both ends. When I get here though - the ticket office is closed!

You couldn't make it up could you. Modern IT has moved us nowhere. 20 years ago you could walk in to the station and they would replace a faded ticket straight away. Now you need 3000 NASA scientists to programme the tea machine! Utter pillocks the lot of them and a load of "jobsworths".

So, rant is over, I am going out to lunch tomorrow and then in the evening we are going out to my friend's 51st party! Cool.

A nice birthday

My Daughter L. We went out - 8 of us and had a lovely meal in a country pub and it didn't cost the earth. Very pleasant and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Note to self - we must do more of that sort of thing it was really enjoyable much like the holiday...

Work was OK but got some bad news as a friend's father has a very nasty cancer indeed and I don't think that anyone has accepted the prognosis. All clutching at remote 2nd opinions and the like at present. From what I have heard and know, it isn't great news.

I'm reminded that my cousin is going through chemo at the moment but doesn't feel up to talking. I'm in two minds whether to write and empathise - I feel a bit of a fraud when it comes to my cancer compared to some of the terrible things other people have to put up with.

Another opportunity to get out on Friday when it is a friend's birthday (who I had the joint party with last year). Tomorrow A gets her A level results. We hope for good things and that she will go on to University. If she does, I think it will be the making of her, she has changed so much this past year. She really is turning out to be joy in both her attitude and her performance. She works really hard and deserves to do well.

Small World

So I met up with a friend who is going off to Florida this Friday. Where are you staying I ask? Blow me if it isn't a few miles from my Aunt and Uncle!

I spoke to the boss yesterday - he asked if I got my tan sitting in the garden or away. Told him I had been to the Azores - guess where he went 2 months ago???

Life is full of little coincidences - Same town/city in Florida - same town/city in the Azores - how bizarre.

Of course I should have been in Chicago this week (lucky it wasn't last week looking at the weather) but that didn't happen! Maybe that was pre planned too? Perhaps that is taking it too far :-)

I wonder sometimes about fate, coincidence and other spooky stuff? I knew I had something wrong with me some time before it happened and I do tend to pick up on tenuous connections before most people. Maybe I am just paranoid :-)

Working from Home

Typical - it has cleared up now - nice a bright although they say worse is on its way. It looks stupid now but I've been working since 6:40 and so will get more done today than I probably would have anyway.

What still at home this morning?

Afraid so - the wisest should be building Arks! I walked no more than 150 yards and was soaked through. Came back, got changed - walked less this time and decided to give it a miss! That's two pairs of trousers, socks and shoes soaked through and a third isn't going to prove to be any better given it is stair rodding it down outside.

I'll e-mail the office and work from home today - it is easy enough to do and I have plenty to get on with. Now to see if the remote working system actually does!

I think 3 or 4 years ago I would have battled on through but I can't be spending hours in wet clothes or getting chills or hypothermia - and believe me - I reckon that was possible this morning.

Oh Dear

A good acquaintance died whilst I was away. Funeral was today and so I missed it. Terrible - they only found out it was cancer 5 weeks ago. Dreadful for his family and a big shock to have such an aggressive form of Cancer.

On the work front - today was great to get back into things - I was tired though. I managed to just about sort out my e-mail although I have a bit more still to do to really catch up.

I've got confirmation of my University Course. I need to plan things out now to cover that. I am giving up some of my more strenuous admin jobs next year thank goodness. In a way I was able to use them to help me through.

August and we have rain and gales! Oh to be back in the Azores :-)

I also now need to lose some weight too and so I am being careful on my diet and I will be ramping back some exercise. Of course, treatment looms in just a few weeks time to halt that but I want to be prepared and fit for December's operation. I'd like to come away from that and recover quicker because I am fit.

Back to Work

Tomorrow - not sure I want to go back though. I fancy a week off doing nothing. We did something every day on the Azores and whilst they aren't large I drove nearly very day somewhere or the other.

The nice thing was that I didn't think too much about anything to do with work, health or anything. It was nice to get away with the family.

The Azores are a great place to go. Get there before anyone else discovers them. they are as I imagine pre tourist Portugal was like, mixed with Madeira and a little bit of Iceland all thrown together.

Well - better get to bed and get ready for an early start tomorrow.

Back to Blighty

Wet and wild and cold :-)

Had a good time and one of the best holidays I have had in years. More later but back nicely tanned, relaxed and not sure that I am ready for work on Monday though.....

Last post for a while

Getting ready to go on holiday. Phew, do I need it. As I finished work yesterday I could feel the reverse thrusters and the brakes come on. Despite saying I have a job without the pressures of a commercial one, I think that you do put in a tremendous amount of effort to establish yourself and to make the right impression.

I was pleased to talk to a few other people down the week in the organization and they were saying what a difference I had made and how the place has a bit of a buzz now. I feel good about the work I've done and I have the guarantee of a job next year after my 1 year contract comes to an end and so I really ought to be more than happy that I have made the right impressions and secured the job.

Rest and relaxation are the next items on the agenda. We fly off this evening and I understand that the Azores are like Madeira but quieter. Well Madeira used to be quiet too - especially if you wandered around the island like we used to by bus and hire car and really get off the beaten track.

It appears that we are way out of the towns but near enough to reach civilisation in about 10 minutes. In one place we are in a house built of Lava rocks! Anyway, we are packed ( a bit of a first is that) and ready to go. We just have to sit around for the rest of the day waiting to go. Also we are trying to eat up all the food in the Fridge. I am quite looking forward to a Ham, Yoghurt, Salad and Fromage Frais sandwich :-)

Anyway, see you all soon, I do hope that I will be more relaxed and laid back on my return and that I can think a little less than I do now about life, the universe and all that!

Dreams and nightmares

I dream in colour and they are very vivid. Last night I had a very frightening dream, so real I could hardly believe it and this morning I was very carefully checking when I went to the toilet.

The dream was that I passed blood again, however that is how real it felt as it actually felt, when I woke up that it had actually happened. I know it can't have and everything is normal. Trapped away in the back of my mind is still the horror of seeing that happen and also, trapped away is the fear of it returning.

Thinking about myself

This holiday will be different from last years. Last year - a celebration that things were going in the right direction - lots of things to do - being organised (if you wanted to be) - excursions etc. This year, quiet, own car, self catering in the middle of nowhere, idyllic scenery and some time to reflect on the past few years, take stock, recharge the batteries, let go of things that need to be lost and grasp new opportunities ahead.

It is time to detox my mind too. So I hope that I'll be able to put much of what has happened behind me and move on after this.

Reflections and almost some tears

I was out with very good friend who had Prostate Cancer a few weeks before I had my diagnosis.

2 years tomorrow since I had the operation and I spent a long time with him reflecting on our journeys.

It is only when we got to the point of agreeing that we spent a lot of time assuring our own families that we were OK that the full impact of our journeys really struck home.

I had a thoughtful and very emotional journey home. I can't really explain what and why that should be. It was a retrospective I guess and a beginning of the realisation that I survived and an acknowledgement of the journey I had taken so far. In a way, I now feel as if I am beginning to fulfil some sort of destiny or get to "peace with myself". I really do have the right job at the right time and many people are now coming over to my way of thinking.

I go on holiday on Saturday - I am really looking forward to that. This time, I will be able to relax a bit more I hope. I need the break more than I probably realise.

How I hate

Commuting and all that goes with it. Really warm day, get to the station to come home - track side fire, signals not working, station heaving and tempers getting frayed.

I did no more than turn on my heels and went and did 2 hours work in the Institute of Directors (yes opposite NZ House) and came home later on an empty train that pulled out on time. They were still running trains all over the show though.

I shudder to think how we expect to be running the Olympic Games in 4 years from now given the state of our transport system. In 1888 it was state of the art and led the world. These day state of the ark may be more appropriate.

Oh and just to make us feel good about using public transport and playing the green ticket, the fares are going to go up double the rate of inflation (AGAIN) this year. Gee thanks. It was also a bit like rubbing salt in the wound that all the top railway men got there 6 figure bonuses yesterday.

You may have noticed that I never really lost this cynical streak..

A Good Day Today

I really motored on with my work today and got a load done. I am of course trying to get everything done before Friday - my last day - and so I have been winding up the workload. I felt a little hot on the train though as the temperatures begin to climb. It should hit 30 on Friday and I intend to be working at home that day.

BA History here I come

I signed off the documents and paid the fee today and so now I am on my way. What a stroke of luck though, one of the first aspects of study is Cezanne and I have the National and the Courtauld Galleries just 5 and 10 minutes away. Hopefully that will get me off to a good start.

I'd been dithering for a few days and wondering whether or not to do it but finally decided that I really need to get some goals lined up to keep me focused and to "do something with my life". Well kind of...

How could I forget?

21st July - the day I was diagnosed 2 years ago. Probably a good thing that I am not remembering anniversary dates! The 25th was the day I had the first operation!

And yet I had a good day

I'm tired - it is the story of my life these days but I enjoyed my day at work and I do work really hard but I love my job - it is so varied and today my double sided 1796 petition was hinged onto the wall and people are really impressed with it.

I managed to build a set of instructions and guidelines - update the web site, change the photographs, get some posters off and a few other things too. I was half asleep on the train on the way home though and I'm off to bed in a minute as I won't last too much longer.

So this feeling? What is it? Well, I am guessing it is just getting ready for the holiday, winding down, working very hard these past three months to "establish" myself at work. Happily, I've done that they have nigh on offered me a permanent role next April. That would be nice.

I hope that this holiday will see me rested and recharged for the next onslaught. Yet, I look back on how I was last holiday and the improvement is massive and so I really shouldn't be quite as critical as I am now.

The thing to bear in mind is that having something seriously wrong with you takes it out of you in more ways than one. When you finish fighting is when you feel fatigued and I don't want to "let my guard down". Things have gone so far in the right direction that I would be pretty upset if there were a set back. But let's face it, I haven't actually "had" cancer since this time last year! Even so, I've been having the treatment and being knocked out in the hospital and all that doesn't help. the treatment bangs you about a bit and as a very good friend tells me your hormone balance is blown all over the place and takes a very long time to settle down.

I'm certain this stuff isn't serious - but your mind likes to tell you that every little thing IS serious :-)

Oh well a good day and I have far more of these than bad ones these days. I just need to ease up, that's all.

Something not quite right

It seems a strange thing to say because, nothing has been quite the same for a couple of years and yet whilst I am complaining that I haven't recovered and that I am not really well, I can definitely say that something isn't right.

I can't tell what it is at the moment. Maybe I really need this holiday and time off? I just don't feel great. I have dragged myself up this morning and I'm just about to go and have a drink and my morning pills prior to going to work.

There is something niggling away that just says - you aren't right. However, blood tests are all OK and in reality I generally feel alright excepting the non stamina bit. I could do with losing a good few pounds which I am tackling now but that isn't it either.

I'll see how I feel once I have been at work today for a while.

Read the Signs

I tend to not be taking notice of what my body tells me. For example on Friday it was the staff summer party. I wasn't particularly thrashing back beers etc which had run out anyway quite soon but we on to a pub and after an hour or so, I managed to fall off my stool. Now luckily it was a small table stool and also that most people could see that I hadn't exactly been drinking but it was a shock that I had lost my balance. In reality, I had been trying to let someone get their bag from under the table and the stool didn't slide but tipped. However, I could do absolutely nothing about it. I decided to go home after that anyway but it struck me that losing my balance like that was how all this began about 2 1/2 years ago now as I fell over in the street. Again, no real boozing involved but just lost my footing. I'm still not reading these obvious signs of tiredness and really need to be taking it far easier. I intend to take things differently on return from holiday.

I was tired when I got home and yesterday. I'm fine today but I do need to be on the watch out for this. I think I am back to normal and actually, I haven't accepted that I am not. In my heart of hearts I know damn well that I am not anywhere near back to normal and yet I outwardly act that way. I tend to throw up a protective barrier around me and act out how I am but in reality it isn't sustainable as I really don't have the energy to pull it off for a week at a time.

Anyway, holiday soon and at least I will get some rest and relaxation. I was speaking to the boss and told him that I thought I had slightly overdone it in the first 3 months of the job. I think perhaps I have.

Fatigue

It appears to be something that I am getting towards the end of the week and it is controllable. I am feeling quite tired now at 10:30 at night and so that will do for today and I will go to bed. I'm not certain about taking some of these co-enzymes and things that have been recommended.

Good news from the Doctors is that blood tests are "satisfactory" which sounds to be Doc speak for OK.

An evening spoilt by

An incontinent fox that had crapped in my drive. Great - just what I needed to step in and bring into the house at this late hour - thanks to all you green anti hunt people in your city dwellings we have rats, foxes and a plague of wood pigeons, magpies and other unsavoury pests to live with.

Dog owners have to pick up the waste their dogs leave but after your legislation, you aren't coming around picking up the mess these vermin make nor tidying up the trash and bins they upset overnight nor the rats and other stuff now left loose to wander around our houses. As we aren't allowed a shotgun or anything else to keep the population down, things are just getting worse and the do gooders are happily tucked up safe in their city and town houses.

I think that is enough of a rant for the moment. It just really annoys me that I have a drive full of Fox shit when, frankly, two or more years ago you hardly saw foxes except in the woods! The country is goin to the foxes - or the dogs!