What A Ride

I can honestly say that since June of this year it's been one hell of a ride.  I wonder whether you believe in Karma and that things happen for a reason?  One of my earlier posts I said that I gained a new friend and that they had shown me something about myself that I hadn't realised or known about or perhaps that I had forgotten about.  It was like the visitation of an Angel or something like that.  Appearing at the right time, making me question everything and then leaving me to work out the answer for myself in many ways.  Suddenly it all became clear and it was like the click of a light switch.  One moment it was life as normal and then it was the realisation that this was no life at all.  It offered me nothing and no future.

I pretty much knew that I had to do something and that I needed finally to stop the procrastination and to get on with my life and to get out of the rut I was in.  Good old Flocky Bicep was there for coffee and advice and off I went to start a journey that ended shortly after that in early August.  By the end of June I was in a different place altogether.  In that meeting in June I had walked in my local woods and fields and there had a vision of myself hanging from a tree and it shook me up.  I looked at the trees from the field and saw my lifeless body there in this waking dream and I began to really think about that picture.  It wasn't the first time I'd thought like that or the first time that I'd seen myself in some awful situation.  Of course, having known a few suicides in my time it wasn't serious it was a metaphor for my situation.

It signalled the end of the current life I had and the realisation that I wasn't the person I'd become.  I wasn't the person who's misery was actually caused as much by myself as by my situation and the downbeat life and existence I had fallen into.  I think deep down in my heart I knew it to be so, I tried to change it and it was easy to "let it be" but in early July I had the worst depression I can ever remember and around the 1st to 4th July it was very bad indeed.  My mum's birthday is 1st July, my anniversary of finding the symptoms of my Cancer was the 2nd July.  My dad died on the 3rd July and it is my birthday on the 4th July.  I remember being in a very bad place but I think it was a combination of many factors not least of which was that I had a couple of long meetings with my "Angel" and the walls came tumbling down.  

About this time I was reading Eckhart Tolle's book 'A New Earth' and suddenly the whole thing came together.  I knew in June what I had to do but it took me all of July to convince myself what I had to do and how I had to go about it.  It isn't easy asking yourself questions about Divorce.  I mean it's obvious but here are some:

1. You'll probably have to live in a smaller house in a different neighbourhood
2. Can you live on your own and look after yourself
3. You will have to split your pension and savings
4. Do you say 'We' or 'I' when talking about yourself

And so on.  These are all things that are material - I love this house it is great and I love living in the village but I think I'd be happy elsewhere.  I fancy living by the coast but let's see what happens?  My home life has, I admit, not been great for years and years.  I didn't really realise this as it gradually eroded over the years.  I have my own social life, Mrs. F. no longer has one and it takes a lot of convincing to get her to go to things.  This is accompanied by lots of negativity too and it was this that was gnawing away all the time.  It was, as my mother puts it, a Bachelor and Spinster living together both doing totally separate things.

I am glad we had children and they are great.  I'm glad that they don't appear to hate me and seem to be OK with what is going on.  I was going to leave when they were little but that didn't seem right to me and now they are in their 20s well they can handle this sort of thing and perhaps it can be a little alarm bell for them too.  

The agonies I went through to finally say to Mrs. F that it was over were pretty awful even though I was trying to work through the book and everything else.  Of course it wasn't finished there either.  Leading up to saying the words that I wanted out, Mrs. F. was extremely worried about me and thought I was going in to a serious meltdown.  I did go very quiet and withdrawn as it is easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  But she mentioned to me on a few occasions was it her and did I want her to leave?  So eventually she forced me to tell her what was wrong so I told her and it was a massive shock to her, absolute bombshell.  

Have to say I felt like sh1t telling her, still do as she is still hurt and shocked and upset and there's nothing I can do about it.  What is clear to me is that the misery I am getting at the moment isn't a hell of a lot worse than I've had before it just happens to be all the time.  I hadn't realised that until so many people, once I told them about the separation, told me that they'd "never felt welcome" and similar comments.  I know that and often I've made excuses but now it really is blindingly obvious.  It's not as if I haven't tried to sort this out in the past either and I see now those attempts were worthy and sensible but utterly futile.  I hope that when I get out of the way she sorts herself out and just cheers herself up.  Flocky came to my help once again and where I was saying how bad I felt about what I'd done he reminded me that I had been the one who had had this misery every day for 10 to 15 years and that the only difference now was that Mrs. F. now had all of it and that the "pressure" was now off me.  So it was.

I feel no pressure or upset anymore.  I feel a little bit bad for Mrs. F. of course I do but I feel free and I feel excited and I also have lost a lot of the angst and bitterness I felt towards myself.  I'm going to be moving out and building my business and be meeting with my friends more often and living a life that I owe to myself.  Sure I'm going to be poorer in terms of money but I'm going to be richer in terms of my friends and my future wellbeing.  I'm no longer the victim in the play of life.

My guardian Angel and I are still in touch which is great and I'm convinced this was no chance meeting and no chance conversations and explorations of who I was and what I am and all that good stuff.  I've suddenly got my interests back, I read and listen to music, I write (I have 5 or 6 private blogs), suddenly I've got my interest back in nature and getting out and walking out in the woods and fields again.  I've even written some poetry and started some serious creative writing.  I've explored spiritualism and got myself comfortable with myself again and I'm now confident that I am liked, that people will be interested in me and that I'm not some sort of freak or failure.

It seems a long time to be in embargo too but lots happened and much of it was that Mrs. F. didn't really accept the situation.  No one believes that this all happened at the beginning of August and it's now mid October.  My mum wonders how I've kept so cheerful.  Well I know this sounds bad but that's because I AM happy and I am pleased to be getting out of this marriage it was, after all, one of the things that was keeping me down and stopping me from being me.  I found it touching that when I told the girls they were more upset in case the cancer had returned than that I was leaving their mother..  Mrs. F thought the reaction might be quite different.  In many ways intuitively I thought that they'd know things weren't right.  They certainly must have guessed for after I had told Mrs. F. it was over suddenly I became free.  I started fixing all the things in the house.  I started to be me again and the veil dropped away and I was useful again, doing household chores and just getting on with stuff that had rotted on the bottom of my todo list as I just couldn't be arsed to do them!

I just want to get out now and go and be on my own or rather be away from Mrs. F. for a while.  At the moment the house is like an ice factory and we hardly speak to each other and circulate around in orbit neither of us staying in the same room together.  In fact she doesn't always answer me and just disappears off for the odd hour every now and then.   In fact it's just like things used to be but just a little more frosty :-)  It isn't nice living here at the moment but as soon as I get the opportunity then I'm outta here and whilst I know it will be strange and it will be hard for a while I have plenty of things to do and I can keep occupied and busy and that will make the break acceptable and bearable.  I need the time to take stock, adjust and move on.  I also want to build my business and just let that slowly evolve and I hope that it will see me through until retirement.

So what a ride indeed.  Lot's of people are worried that I may be stressed or upset and the opposite is the case.  I'm relieved, I'm happy and I feel great.  I haven't felt so well for years, my anxiety levels are way down, my depression is a thing of the past.  I don't have any axes to grind or debts to repay to enemies, I don't have all the elaborate plans anymore I have the day, the now to live and I intend to go and do that.  I have turned my back on being dragged down and to be affected anymore and a new life awaits.  As for companionship well that may or may not come, I have my friends and they will take me or leave me as I am and accept or reject the new me.  I'll have plenty of time to meet a new circle of friends too and to renew acquaintances old and new.  I have to make sure that nothing affects this mood and I think I am suitably experienced to realise that from now on.   More later

Deep deep breath and..... begin

I was trying to work out why I was so down and so miserable and it took me a while to discover what it was.  I met someone this year who turned my life around and came into and out of my life in a very short space of time but became the catalyst to finally add up all the numbers, stop denying the blindingly obvious and make me sort my life out and to finally ditch the past, stop worrying about the future and start living in the now, the present and not to yearn for the past or reach for things that were never likely let alone achievable.  

Suddenly I realised that what in my life was "normal" was in fact downright sad and I could hardly believe I'd let this happen to me.  All the things that I put down to me being depressed and paranoid about, all the stuff where I beat myself up and got downers on myself weren't to do just with me at all.  For years I'd lived in a house where everything was a put down, where any suggestion I made was subtly ignored, where there had been little love and where gradually the relationship went downhill.  It's pretty subtle and no doubt I'll write about it some more.  It was only after getting hold of the book a New Earth and realising that I was feeling pain and misery not because it was mine but because it was being meted out to me. 

After 32 years marriage and 40 years or more that I've known Mrs. F. I am leaving her and we are separating.  She doesn't want a divorce straight away and this gives us some breathing space to get some time and thought behind this decision.

It's the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do and it's been a long time until she was prepared to acknowledge it but now I've been up and told my mum and brother I'm happy to let this out now.   I'm happy, feel free and finally I've worked out why on earth I was so depressed and so miserable and it was without doubt that I was being dragged down knowing that I should have done something about this years (and I do mean years ago - like 15 or more).  I was in a position to leave 8 years ago but then got Cancer and everything changed once again and with that came hope that we would be able to rebuild and move on.

Now it all makes sense and having discussed it at length it is blindingly obvious to me what all these schemes were about.  They were attempts to make something of a hopeless situation.  Denial is one of those traits that blinds us to the "bleeding obvious" sometimes and I tried many ways to get the two of us to do things together, the B&B, the Tearooms, a business we could both share in and none of these were acceptable.  We have lived as two separate people in the house for about 18 years I reckon.  In all that time I've been working and getting the money to raise the kids and Mrs. F. has raised them - no problems with that but without going into too much detail - although if you've read this blog a lot you might notice - that there is very little support or joint stuff going on.  It's all about me.  In fact my life has been all about me because Mrs. F hasn't wanted it shared and it is not her fault but the way she lives turns out to just make my life a misery.  

So many people have said that Mrs. F. is pretty unwelcoming and not very friendly and I've noticed that recently in fact it was that which made me think about it all.  You see, when I'd come in she wouldn't acknowledge me, my friends weren't made welcome - she'd try but I've often felt it and apologised to my friends for her attitude or rolled my eyes.  It has come as "no surprise" to many of them.  She just doesn't want to do anything that I want / like to do and so anything I suggested wasn't done.  There's only so many times you can be rejected and whilst we have had this out a number of times and things change a little they soon revert back.  We are at the point now where no one comes around anymore as she can't cope or doesn't like it.  We don't get invited out (well I do).  

Anyway - I could go on for ever about all the reasons but the critical thing for me is that my girls still seem to be OK with me and whilst Mrs. F. is even more miserable than she normally is - me having made her so asking for a divorce, I feel free, alive, excited and like a huge weight has gone.  But I've got rid of my past, got rid of the worry, the concern about the future, worries about my health and it's like being a new me.  

I feel very sorry for Mrs. F. of course I do, I've spent most of my adult life with her but at the end of the day, whilst we've never argued or been at each other's throats or anything like that we have grown so far apart and I now feel sorry that she is so utterly miserable but of course she no longer has me there to dump all that misery on.  I feel I may buy her a copy of a New Earth for Christmas so she too might be able to sort herself out!  It certainly worked for me.

More (much more) later.  

Lifting The Embargo

The time rapidly approaches when I can lift the embargo and get to review what on earth has happened since June of this year.  It's been a journey I can tell you that and it hasn't finished yet indeed it may only just be starting.

I need to make some calls and do some emails and then the embargo can be lifted and I can get on with writing without beating around the bush.

I've been up to my mums for 5 days and seen my brother and his family too and that's part of the process I need to have gone through.  As usual I have come back weighed down with stuff from my mum!  My brother has lost loads of weight and his clothes are hanging off him almost.  He's lost 5 stone!  However, he now weighs 18 Stone so that gives you an idea of how he ballooned up.  He was about 18 or 19 stone last time I saw him and he just piled the weight on and got very depressed about it so I introduced him to the Low Carbohydrate, High Fat regimen and he's now 5 Stone lighter, happier, fitter, blood work is good and his blood pressure has dropped.  He is continuing on his journey and losing weight and continuing to do so.  His Doctor wants him at 11 and a half stone.  That was my "fighting" weight when I was 19 years old.  I'd be happy to get myself a further 3 stone lighter and be around 12 stone.  I think it is doable by this time next year as long as I continue to follow my LCHF lifestyle.

I was explaining to my mum the Eckhart Tolle stuff and she gets it.  It was funny but we both have similar attitudes to things like death and the past and indeed the future.  Of course, mine are more recent in terms of finally getting around to fixing my head back onto my shoulders but it was interesting to have a long time talking about the embargoed stuff, my dad who died last year was subject to some nostalgia and reminiscing but no sadness or upset as we both have the attitude that we had a great time when he was with us and remember him with great affection but we aren't all cut up and upset that he is no longer with us.  When your time is up, your time is up and that's it.  Being sad or unhappy about that doesn't do anything at all apart from make you miserable and he'd have hated that.  He didn't want monuments and certainly didn't want anyone visiting his grave or where his ashes were - he wasn't that sort of man.

So we had lots of fun looking back and discussing how things are.  The future is an interesting place but no longer holds any fears for me now.  Where before it was all planned out and mapped in my head now I have a general sense of direction and it will be what it will be and that's that.  It's so refreshing not to have the baggage of that anymore.  My new business is taking shape in my head and on documents.  I feel great and ready to leap into action but still need a few things in place.  I was adamant I wanted the business to be ready before Christmas this year to pick up some seasonal work and actually I'm now happy to get going in the New Year when I am ready and when things are properly in place to progress.  I don't need to rush I need to do this properly.

I'm glad I went to see my mum though - it should have been weeks ago but she got a nasty cold.  She's an interesting lady and whilst I disagree with her politics and some of her views on life we do agree on many things and that was good.  I really needed her views and her insight and in many ways her support.  Despite the fact I'm as old as I am I needed to go and talk to her about the major changes that have happened to me since mid June of this year.  I can't say it was easy actually getting to the heart of the matter and explaining what on earth had been going on but once I did all was OK and I've come back with my head in the right place and a renewed confidence and outlook which was just what I wanted.

Once embargo is over I guess it will all become clear.  I hope that it will be a little later today when I lift the lid on it all. 

A Long Day Out

It was a long day I left the house at 11:15 a.m and arrived back around midnight after a quite interesting day travelling to Bournemouth and seeing my old boss giving a talk to a Lodge.  I used to write some of these and also used to deliver some of them myself and so it took me back to heady days when I first started at the Charity and whilst I enjoyed it, I did find that I only enjoyed that side of it, being the "centre of attention" and selling the charity.

It was good today and nice to be driven there and back again.  Well I had to get up to London to start but that was OK.

I often wonder about getting back into the swing of things with the Trust - I'd love to be a Council member/trustee but maybe in a year or two?  I'd certainly find it worthwhile and it may help them drive into the 21st century.

But the main thing was I had a great time and I just enjoyed it, didn't get sucked into some of the conversations but fired a few starter questions off and just enjoyed the banter.  

Off to see my mother tomorrow so the blog will be neglected for a few days and I hope that when I return I can drop the embargo and let you know what the hell is happening here :-) 

Why Oh Why

The Public - they really are amazing aren't they - I've got a guy who's written War & Peace about how much I should charge him for Postage and Packing.  Frankly it is borderline as I did a deal for someone that ended costing me money and so I'm erring on the part of caution - as you do but this guys calculated out all the weights and charges.  So I shall let him sweat and luckily I am going to the Post Office in the morning so will check it out as I have another exactly the same parcel going as his.  I am away for a week so he'll get the I have to get back to  you next week so sorry but on company business called away the last minute and then I can perhaps try the one I tried before asking for their packaging instructions so I can get that right for them.  I'll do it all nicely of course but it does annoy the hell out of me that they were quite willing to buy these with the terms and conditions I dropped a fair bit off of the postage and they only want to pay the postage and not the labour, time and costs of the packaging and going up to the Post Office etc.

But I'm calm about it I will just take my time to sort it out and give him the one week delay in the morning and see where we go from there.

So, other than that - I'm getting ready to go out tomorrow up to London, then I am going to Bournemouth and getting a lift back home then on Tuesday I am going to my mother's and will probably come home on Saturday.  I hope to get some sort of work done on my computer during that time but only to conduct the endless arguing about 50p postage and packing with bargain hunters no doubt.

I am going to carry on decluttering but have to say I do find this trivial stuff annoying but then again, it can be quite fun reading the number of people who just cough up money without thinking or those that must have spent an hour trying to save a few pounds.  Had one guy tell me that I over packaged something once :-) Would have been different if it arrived broken I asked.  Never heard from him again.  Where do all these stupid people come from.

I'm Sure They Do It Just To Test Me Out

So had a conversation with a punter who wants all his lots for me to combine postage so I tell him to disregard what eBay say and let me know once he has won everything and request the price of postage from me.  So he pays the lot in one hit and then has the temerity to say that it is a bit expensive!

Well hold on, didn't you enter you credit card details into the system and then confirm payment?  
The second one of these I've had - I mean how am I supposed to second guess that if the guy pays me without asking me to the total that I'm wrong :-)  Oh well I will actually use a simple ploy and respond to his earlier email of a few days ago asking him whether he really wanted to send each item on its own or as we discussed he'd like me to send the stuff and then credit him.  But am I angry and yelling and annoyed?  Well no I'm not which is great.  3 or 4 months ago I'd have been seething about the stupidity and be spitting feathers and today, right here and now, what's the point?  It means that I'll have to go out of my way to correct it but I have a plan that will mean I can charge exactly what it will cost this way and then none of us is out of pocket.

Ho Hum :-)

Things stay much as they are with my news - I can only tell you part of it and I'd really like to say a lot more than that.  My life's really changed in the last 4 months and I'm pretty amazed at what's gone on.  Every now and then, like today, I get a tiny bit reflective and a little bit down on myself but realise that it's bound to happen and I can then make adjustments and do something about it.  At least now I have the toolkit to do something about it.  Before I could have gone off into a sulk or depression, anger or sadness and these days I just capture any reaction and turn it around.  

The future is going to be different without doubt and it is going to be fun too I'm sure.  After all why do anything that isn't fun?    

Away Next Week

I'm going to Bournemouth on Monday and then on Tuesday I am going to see my Mum which will be nice.  I'll probably spend the week there and might dig into the weekend too.  It all depends on how much stuff goes on eBay as I suddenly realised that people actually move a little slower than I'm used to so they may pay whilst I am away so I've written a holding email for them so that I can ensure that they know I will get onto posting their stuff when I return.

I see I have some from Russia and one from Australia - cool.  Let's hope they get their act together - I have a few more lots finishing tonight so I'm hoping that I can start to sort those out for Monday morning otherwise it is going to have to wait or be best endeavours  maybe Mrs. F. can do something with it?  Will have to see.

It is always going to be a problem I guess and I imagine people go away and leave stuff.  Oh well, it will be what it will be....

I'm hoping that embargo will be lifted within two weeks, gosh I hope so, it is quite restrictive having to dance around my situation :-)  

I suppose once that's sorted I can explain a bit more about what is going on and why June was a significant milestone in my life.  It isn't holding back the business or anything else at the moment and so it isn't important inasmuch as stuff is still happening and life goes on as normal.

I could do with a bit of a short break anyway - not to get my head into order, it's fine, not to destress, I don't feel stressed or anything these days.  I have to say that's a great thing - no stress, no anxiety, no claustrophobia last night either and no looking back, beating myself up about stuff, no silly impossible dreams and schemes that can never be achieved and just enjoying doing things.  Like all this packaging records - it is mundane work but you can actually put in a little effort and have some music on and just get on and do it.  Do it with a good heart or not at all as the old phrase goes and exactly so.  It needs to get done, moaning about it or doing it in bad grace just makes it unpleasant.  Doing it and gaining enjoyment from that is fine I actually do enjoy it, wandering up to the Post Office and sending them off and then enjoying a coffee at the cafe, keep it simple, keep it enjoyable.  Smile and say hello to people, cheer them up and just enjoy the moment.

I know I shouldn't gloat ...... But :-)

You may recall that a dealer came and looked at my record collection of around 1000 LPs, 10 and 7" disks.  Around 200 are pretty rare, collectors or of interest to collectors and the 800 are landfill or can fit into someone's basket somewhere I guess. 

I was offered a measly £220 which I thought was a bit low and I went back to point out some of the collection that they had overlooked including 2 White Labels some bootleg stuff and a number of picture disks.  They still weren't interested so I've decided to sell them myself.  The first 10 sold cleared the £220 mark, I'm now over double that and still have  only sold around 30 albums and singles at best.  Theres at least 140 more to go....  

Now the new me shouldn't gloat or have a big ego about it but I'd just like to blow a huge raspberry to the dealer and smile anyway even though I know I shouldn't :-)

pbbbt

 Which is how I believe it is written :-) 

Well it made me feel better anyway and I have less clutter and lots of people now have stuff they can enjoy.  Cool

Mesothelioma Cancer - Awareness

I've been contacted by Emmy and she would like help in spreading word about Mesothelioma Cancer.  Please read the note below and please share.  Thank you.  

"Hi David, thanks for getting back to me! I work as the Community Outreach Director for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Mesothelioma Awareness Day just passed and our campaign was a huge success! I am contacting bloggers like you in the cancer community to ask for help in continuing to spread awareness. Fortunately, because mesothelioma is a completely preventable cancer (caused only by asbestos exposure), knowing more about the disease and it's risk factors truly does make a difference. 

I've attached the mesothelioma facts sheet that I used for the campaign this year. I would love it if you'd be willing to share it on your blog for your community. With your support in raising more awareness, hopefully one day we can get asbestos banned once and for all."

Bank Account Opened - At Last

Finally I have the bank account open and can start to use it.  It feels like months since I tried to get it open :-)  I will at least be able to start trading soon and set up some other elements of my business.  

For reasons that will become clear later it isn't all nice a straightforward as it may seem but nothing is insurmountable.  As I was saying some days ago, things will be what they will be and will take as long as they take and that's the way of it.  I can't be doing with getting all het up from worrying about this or that was a day or a week late as I'd rather just plod on and things will happen but possibly not in the way I was thinking and I'm OK with that.  It isn't as if I need to start the business today or next week for that matter.

The freedom that comes from getting all those false milestones and dates out of my head is great.  I am though looking forward to getting started and shaking down the business.  I will just grow into the business rather than go for a big bang approach - I want to test it out and see that all the processes work and that I can achieve the right level of income and lifestyle from it.

In many ways I can see that I could get too much work so I am going to have to build slowly and carefully, the feedback I have had so far is that the work could come in in large quantities and that would give me some initial problems but again - that's not such a bad thing as long as I can cope with it.

I won't be starting the business for at least a month as there is still work to be done and lots of other stuff to be sorted out in between too.  In the interim eBay is going bonkers for all these Vinyl records I have.  I thought the dealer was "insulting my intelligence" when he offered me just £220 for the whole lot and I have about 1000 LPs and Singles.  I know at least 200 of these are collectors items but the rest are landfill.  Some of the records are going for over £20 and some over £40 - I only need to sell about 10 to hit the dealer's offer....  Enough said :-)

Decluttering is also quite liberating as this stuff has just been cluttering up my cupboards for years!  Crazy but one man's rubbish is another's treasure I suppose.  

Living In The Now - It's Quite Difficult

I found myself daydreaming this morning.  I was laying in bed and just dreaming away about all sorts of things that are totally impossible - I suppose dreams and fantasies are OK as long as you recognise them for what they are.  

It was a very pleasant set of dreams and ideas but they can never  happen and are unlikely to.  I realised that I had to wake myself up and stop myself doing this because no matter what you might think there are expectations set and these dreams are almost like real to me and that was always my problem in the past.  I can in no way achieve these things even if I really went for them and dedicated myself to trying to achieve them it would never be quite the same it certainly wouldn't happen in the same way or mean the same thing so best to put them to one side and choose not to take any more notice of them :-)

Having then got rid of thinking about the future I found myself drifting back to wanting to feel bad about something that happened to me years ago!  Again, the past is the past, it's happened and it can't be undone so another thought series was brought to a close.  So I can stop myself doing this stuff and then try and work in the now and for most of the day it was OK although I did meet a fair share of idiots on eBay today but suffered them - although one did get a one word response back :-)

The other trick to keep you in the now is to enjoy whatever you are doing.  Sounds pretty difficult I agree but actually I realised that I had to unload the dishwasher before lunch and that was OK I just thought to do it now, it will get done, there's no rush, you aren't missing anything by doing this chore and got on and did it.  It was pretty simple really and it's like many of these things these days, it will get done and it doesn't need to be rushed - what are you rushing it for other than to get onto the next thing you need to rush to do.  It's all very strange and also quite relaxing and liberating too.  I know I have lots of things to do but do you know what?  They will get done and things that need to happen will happen and it's no use worrying about them.  There's a list a mile long but it isn't going to get done any quicker with me worrying about it.  

The freedom it gives is marked and someone last night - who hadn't seen me for a while - just noticed that I was quite different - apparently I was also very amusing - probably because I'd had a beer and been cooped up for a while and was letting my hair down! Actually yesterday of course I just went out and enjoyed myself and made myself helpful and useful and delivered the talk and I just, once again, enjoyed walking there, meeting people, doing my talk, collecting the money (I'm the Treasurer) and just being part of the proceedings.  That's what it is good about being in the now - you can enjoy it for what it is and you become more alert to the things around you too.  Yes - it's very good but does take some time to get right and to maintain although I guess it gets easier as time goes on.

Went OK But....

When I joined some of the older members were my age or had even retired and where pretty sprightly and now, bless them, like my Father-In-Law feeling and looking their age.  My Father-In-Law called off and felt all of his 92 years and a bit more he said.  Another friend of mine said that he only goes out once a week now as he gets tired out, he's 84.  Another wasn't there, he's 94 and not well in Hospital with Pneumonia.  Another chap, not that old in his 70s I guess is beginning to get a sort of Dementia and is getting forgetful - I had to help him get his Regalia on.  And yet another 3 are walking wounded with leg and hip problems.

My co administrator in the Lodge was admitted to Hospital - he's had 3 lots of Chemo for Upper Tract Cancer and had a setback with a minor collapse sending him to Hospital mind you he can't be much older than me.  

It was a roll call for Emergency Ward 10 rather than a meeting but those who were there made the most of it and those who weren't there we all remembered but it dawned on me that it doesn't need much to decimate our little group and that hey, if I'm spared then in 30 years time (which is how long I've been a Freemason) I could too be having some of these ailments and be struggling to get about.  Mind you I didn't see anyone complaining and they also made the effort to get along which is good.

I know we all get old but it was certainly a sobering reminder.  I do hope I keep as well as I am at the moment - I don't have much in the way to complain about - I'm pretty fit although could be fitter I guess.  

The talk went down well so I was pleased with that and I had a nice walk there and back arriving home before midnight and it was such a pleasant night that I grabbed a glass of Red Wine and sat in the garden looking up at the stars for a short while before retiring. 

Looking Forward To This Evening

I am going to a Masonic meeting and I am giving a talk.  I was looking for something interesting to give a talk about and there was a web site where some kind soul had put up a series of talks all of differing length and subjects.  The one that took my eye is The Statue Of Liberty and Freemasonry.  The statue was the idea of French Freemasons who raised the money and their own members actually built it.  It's a good story and I'm looking forward to doing the talk tonight.

I will have to walk there and get a bus back or walk back - it's not a problem it isn't that far at all because L has left her car on the driveway blocking mine in :-)  Oh well - not a problem and I can enjoy a drink which will be good.  I also like walking there & back it gives me exercise and I can listen to my sounds and it gives me thinking time too.

I was going to book an appointment to see my Doctor but I still have some bruising on my chest from a week or so back and if they want to redo my spirometry test I imagine that won't help my cause :-)  It can wait until I get back home at the end of next week.

I'm still really quite calm and quite laid back about things.  It's great, life's good, life's not quite exciting but you know, give it time.  I was trying to think how to describe myself these days and in many ways I'm still the old me and in some ways that's good.  I carry around so much less baggage these days though - I actually feel lighter and I feel, strange as it may sound, hollow inside.  My body doesn't feel weighed down with all the nonsense I had and I've noticed that my breath is very different - it is shallower and not so rasping it isn't stress breathing it is relaxed and measured.  

I know I'm not fully in control of everything but I am able to notice when things are happening and then actually do something about them - stop myself getting angry - although the odd outburst is inevitable - I can stop it quickly and understand what it is and change it.  I can stop bad thoughts, I can stop thoughts from the past and also stop the impossible future planning dreams.  It's all good.

Will see a friend this afternoon who's had 3 lots of Chemo and Upper Tract Cancer - not sure what his prognosis is after his meeting with his Consultant last week but he is coming to the meeting which is good.    

Good Grief - 5 Stones

My kid brother, admittedly he did get quite large.  He'd been on fangled diets, weight loss pills, stuff like weight watchers.  What happens in all cases is that after you've dieted you go back to eating the stuff you used to eat and voila - bang goes on the weight again.

So I told him about changing his lifestyle (no not your diet - it implies that you can go back).  He's lost 5 stone.  His blood pressure has reduced, his blood work is good but he still needs to improve on that but he has dropped a hell of a lot - much more than I have but I suppose I was a few stone lighter than him well - quite a few stone lighter.  Anyway, he feels good, his health is good and the Doctor is happy with him.  If he keeps to this Low Carbohydrate High Fat diet he should continue to lose weight.  Me?  I'm still 3 1/2 stone lighter but again just hovering around the 15 stone mark - it's big but then I'm close to 6 foot and I'm pretty big anyway - you wouldn't want to run into me... :-)

I reckon I can lose about another 2 stone if not 3 and that should be it but like everything these days - it will happen and it will take time, no need to worry about it, force it or change diet.  That's the thing - stick at it and keep the faith it will happen and the weight loss will start again.  This week I've had two days where I couldn't really avoid carbs but I haven't gained any weight even though I've had some.  I think I've got to the point where the major loss has occurred and I'm happy with the odd carb here and there and I'm not going to live like a Hermit and if I happen to be out and there's a nice bit of cake on offer.... Well, why not.

So great news for my kid brother though and he feels and sounds great and the Doctors are happy so I'm really pleased because he was getting really depressed that he couldn't keep the weight off.  He is neither tired or irritable either because he is feeling full and not getting the carb and sugar problems he used to have.  Always feeling hungry, energy loss and so on.

That's The Cloakroom Finished what's next?

Ouch I do ache a bit - knew I would as having to fit tight fitting pipes together and using plenty of brute force to seat them in a cramped room are bound to put strains on places I didn't even know I had until they ached this morning.

At least that is now done and I'm reasonably happy with the results but how on earth could the plumber have left it in that state in the first place!  Naughty.

So I'm looking at what to do next.  There's bound to be something else on the list - there always is.  I think I will take myself off to see my mum later this week perhaps for the weekend - I have lots of stuff going on but do need to go and see her - whilst we speak frequently I haven't seen her since around April or May when she came down here.

It's funny that today I'm having a slightly off day - nothing major just getting some grief from my head that I really don't need - it's Ego and Pain Body sort of stuff that's just noise and I'm dealing with it.  It's distracting more than anything and I'm having wee flashbacks and prods about stuff that happened years back and of course, this stuff is just that, in the past.  It makes me smile as there's lots of what ifs happening.  What if this had happened or that had occurred and so on.  Well of course they didn't happen and I'm here so what purpose is it even thinking about it other than to depress, upset or confuse me?  

I am certain that there will be days like this and days where the past wants to come in and haunt me.  The trick is, of course, to identify what is going on and then rationalise it and deal with it.  In the not too distant future I'm going to get quite a lot of this - once we are out of embargo - I'm sure.  Whether it will be from people judging me, living up to the consequences of my actions or perhaps facing the future.  In many ways I only have to properly deal with the middle of the three.  It's my actions and the consequences that are my concern but once done - that's it, that decision (or decisions) is now in the past.  If other people want to judge me then that's up to them and the future hasn't happened so no need to worry or concern myself about that.

It still makes me laugh that people worry about me.  I mean what useful purpose is worrying about someone else?  People worry that I'm getting depressed, that I've changed, that I'm not the person they used to know.  I suppose we just have to accept this is the way people are.  

"I'm worried he isn't eating enough" well get a bag of shopping and drop in and see him.  That's practical and shows a different sort of concern surely?  Just worrying isn't going to fix anything and will probably make the worrier ill anyway :-)  Crazy but I used to do it.....

Who else saw that?

Not sure I should have gone to the party this evening but did anyway.   Arriving home late, I stuck on my MP3 player and grabbed a glass of wine and headed into the garden.  The stars were great, still spoilt by London's light pollution but still a wonderful sight to behold.

I saw 5 shooting stars and wondered, who else, this evening witnessed those same shooting stars?  Who else looked up and saw their headlong plunge into Earth's atmosphere?  After Billions of years, travelling across the Universe who else was there to see their change of form from a meteorite into something else?  After all that time who was there to witness the end of their incredible journey and the start of their next one? 

I enjoyed standing there looking at the enormity of it all - the awesomeness of the space and distances involved and every time a meteorite left it's trail of white across the sky I smiled a knowing smile and just acknowledged the journey of a billion years I had just seen.

Early Hours Again

Well I watched Red Cliff which is a very long film and then came up to the office and turned on a David Gray album and did a bit of Facebook and eBay and suddenly it's 1 in the morning :-)

I suppose it doesn't matter what time it is really?  I'm not tired, I've been working on my downstairs cloakroom - I've fitted the floor and need to put down the Vinyl in the morning and then replace the cistern and WC now I've got all the bits I need!

There's never time to do it right first time but there's always plenty of time to go and do it properly a second time.  Can't believe the botch the guy left me with.  Anyway I can get it all back together again pretty quickly - I just had to set my mind to it that's all.

I realise that I should have got an appointment with the Doctor and have just found the letter :-)  Oh well something else to do later this week.  I am trying to fit some time in to see my Mum - maybe Friday and the weekend.  I'm meant to be away on the following Monday but I suppose I could sort that and make it a longer time to go see her.  

Anyway - suppose I'd better head off to the land of nod now - have to get on and do the cloakroom in the morning and who knows it may be useable by the end of the day if I get on with it OK.

Reflections

How many weeks has it been?  I've lost count but it was around mid June as I recall that I sort of decided that enough was enough and that I had to finally snap myself out of it and move on with my life, change as much as I could and take a new path.

So it's about 4 months I suppose and there have been some major things changed in my life, which is great and exactly what I wanted to happen and whilst there's been some fallout there have been major major improvements in me.  Unfortunately, dear reader, it boils down to you at some point in time because it's your body, your mind and your life you are dealing with.  No one can run it for you, live it for you or do much else about your life.  

Today, whilst I'm fixing the plumbing nightmare left for me I decided to walk to the shop and back - it's 25 minutes each way, I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed chatting to the man in the shop, I enjoyed the whole thing.  The work is going to be hard graft but it doesn't need to be finished today, it will take as long as it takes and it will be what it will be.  That's the point these days.  No need to put stress on your self to finish by a certain time, no need to get annoyed or aggressive or upset.  As I said to my Mum earlier when she said she worried about me - I asked her, in all of the years you have worried about me what good has it actually done?  Did it make good things happen? Did it make her feel better? Did it make me or my brother feel better knowing that she was worried about us?  It's obvious what the answer is in each case surely?

That's the thing - why worry - worrying in itself is completely counter productive and accomplishes pain and anxiety manifested by your own body against itself.  That surely just goes to show how utterly pointless it is?

So this is the way I have been looking at things recently.  It's like people pushing their pain onto you or you getting annoyed about the things that they do.  Why bother?  Why make yourself a victim, why not turn it around and do what I do and in some ways see it for what it is, sometimes I amuse myself watching the playlets and scenes from these people.  They don't know that they are doing it, they really don't know that they irritate the hell out of people but it's only because we let them get under our skin that this happens.  I find it quite funny to just smile at them now and let them see me smile at them.  I don't have to say much either.  It's quite effective and not agreeing or responding also works too.  they need something to feed off of so why give it to them?  By agreeing or disagreeing you are flirting with their ego.  At the end of the day - you get landed with the anger and upset and they've not even realised they've done it.  

OK I haven't mastered all of this yet but I am conscious of how I pick up on it and how I deal with it.  Dare I say it, I don't have any worries any more about the future?  I don't because things will happen and I will travel along that road and do what I will and things will happen and it will be OK.  I like the phrase "It will all be OK in the end.  If it's not OK it's not the end" :-) 

I thought I had to rush and get my website started now and then I thought, you know what, it will be ready when it is ready, when I've done the best job I can and that is that.  I don't need it to be rushed I need it to be right and proper and that will be when it will be.  This from a Project Manager who until recently lived on deadlines, milestones, deliverables and so on.  

When you find out a bit more about what's happened to me in the past 4 months you might be surprised at the complete transformation and some of the episodes that have happened - then again you might just think well it could only happen to me! :-) 

I'm in a good place but many people are surprised about that.  I am relaxed and accepting my lot despite somethings happening that could be called stressful, life's good and life's fun.  I enjoy it and it's nice walking today to just smile and say hello to people, it cheers them up that someone is friendly and smiles at them - try it - it seems to work just a smile that's all.

I can't believe it has taken so long to get here but I'm here now.  the past can't hurt me or haunt me anymore.  The future hasn't happened yet.  Concentrate on the now and suddenly life's fun again and you can start to appreciate it and no longer worry or fear it.  That's the plan.

That WAS a Plumber? Really?

"Well there's your problem!" I pronounced as I pulled out the bend inserted into my leaking Salt Glaze Soil Pipe.  The pipe was oversize and not let into the throat of the pipe and so any water or other liquid from the WC and Hand basin hit the sill and where the mortar had not been applied properly, found its way up to the crack and out of the pipe.  

Now why the Plumber decided to put in such a bodge is beyond me as it would have been just as easy to put in a multi quick as do this complete botch up (I daren't call it cowboy as that would be offensive to them).

It's pretty messy but I think I can fix this with a long multi quick and some deft handiwork.  In fact I should be able to do it properly something the last guy obviously saved 10 minutes by bodging it up.  

Let's hope my plumbing supplies shop is open tomorrow so I can get the bits I need.  Crazy!

Friday - Time To Get Off My Arse And So Something

I've been stuck on this computer most of the week - by choice really and I thought to myself - "you've been lolloped in this chair for too long!" and so after I've written this blog I shall take myself off downstairs and go fix this damn cloakroom :-)  I've obviously offended my regular plumber as I told him I found the leak that he couldn't find (although not his fault) he hasn't even bothered to call me back twice :-) 

Bless him, but he does sometimes have that sort of attitude and best let him get on with it if that keeps him happy (well the opposite but he probably thinks he's scored one).  

No time to worry about that or him, just get on and fix the damn thing :-)  

I also spent some time today mapping out my requirements for a company logo and images for my web site - great stuff.

So now to go and sort this stuff out and stop writing about it! 

Exciting Times Ahead (even though I'm meant to stay in the now!)

I had a long chat with my brother who has set up some web sites in the past with shopping trolleys - it was a most useful conversation and sort of backed up what I'd read and thought about doing with my web site.  He has a slightly different business and so has to have a merchant type account and process payments differently but I was interested in what he was doing and how he set his site up.  In many ways, I'd probably go down a path of building my own site rather than having to hire the framework for it but needs must and his huge portfolio of products means he has to have quite a complex site.

I'm getting quite excited about how I can go about running this business - indeed in some ways it is all coming together quite nicely and beginning to feel like it can come off the spreadsheet and word documents and turn into a business.  

Of course - I'm not actually looking at anything other than this being a lifestyle business but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be planning it properly and ensuring that I have all the angles covered.  I am after all methodical and a project and program manager :-)  But what I am pleased about is that my feet are on the ground, that in some ways I'm not too bothered that it may take me longer to get out the door than I wanted - I'd like it done by the end of this month ready for Christmas but that isn't going to happen with everything else going on but I can make a good start and that is the main thing.  I can then do my market testing and I can take it from there.  I don't need the all singing all dancing website at day one - it can come along when needed.  

This is unlike me I know.  However it is refreshing and it means that I can build this without too much stress and just take it easy with small steps at a time.  I'm really excited by the prospect of the business and all the things I can do and there are opportunities coming along all the time which is just great.

We are still under embargo and it may last another few weeks.  The funny thing is that some people think I'm not my normal self and are worried about me :-)  In fact, I know I'm changed but I thought anyone could tell these days that I'm calmer and trying not to be the old me.  Maybe that is it?  I notice myself pulling back or stopping myself and it is a bit spooky for me to be doing that - where normally I'd be in and hold the audience I tend to make a point, have a laugh and then withdraw a bit and then let someone else take it on.  I find it funny and amusing and interesting that I'm like that.  

Anyway - it's good to be excited, it's good to be happy and smiling at people and helping people out.  

Back to diet and those pesky carbohydrates

This is from the Dr. Mercola website and these are the headlines of the bigger story:

" Story at-a-glance:

• Two-thirds of Americans are now overweight, and five percent of American children can now be considered “severely obese,” which puts their health at grave risk
• Carb-rich processed foods are a primary driver of these statistics; while many blame Americans’ overindulgence of processed junk foods on lack of self control, scientists are now starting to reveal the truly addictive nature of such foods
• The obesity rate among Swedish and Japanese women is between five and six percent, compared to almost 40 percent for American women, suggesting there’s something in the American diet that is different from other affluent nations
• At the heart of the problem is the issue of toxic food—foods that are heavily processed and purposely designed for maximum “craveability”
• Nutrition is paramount for health and normal weight; a healthy diet equates to fresh whole, preferably organic foods, and foods that have been minimally processed"

I was watching someone here (UK) making fruit treats for Halloween - and of course fruit is also a cause for concern - in moderation it's fine I guess but the problem still seems to be that everyone is thinking that this obesity epidemic is a "New Disease"" when in fact it is blindingly obvious what it is.  

Have a look (invest an hour) at this video which explains a little more and is from the Diet Doctor Website

The graphs showing the obesity rates in the US in pre 1970s to the current date will shock you.  The main thing about this is it isn't rocket science why we are getting fatter in the West and here I am now 3 1/2 stones lighter, fitter and with most of my clothes too big for me :-)  It's great and of course I don't deny myself the occasional beer or chocolate or bit of fruit but I have got to a nice point now where I'm gradually losing weight still but can have the odd carb every now and then - however, it does require a bit of will power for the first week or so but once you get the hang of a High Fat, Low Carbohydrate lifestyle you really begin to benefit.  First the weight loss is quite remarkable in the beginning and thereafter you just carry on losing weight until (I guess) you get to the weight you "should" be.  I have no target weight now - I had wanted to get down to where I was when I was 19 (11 1/2 Stone) but that's the same loss as I've already had again.  I suppose that's possible but not likely.  

Anyway - invest in the video and then have a read of the Mercola stuff.  Hopefully it should all make sense.

Here We Go

Did the bank ring me?  No they did not so I started filling in the online application form from my own bank as they will give me 18 months free business banking as an existing customer apart from the form didn't work - about 10 times - so I decided to call them and I wasn't angry, flummoxed or anything like it, I just went through the process with this nice young lady and in 20 minutes (not 7 days HSBC) we were there, approved and in a week or so I'll have everything I need to run the business.  Thank goodness for that!

Had my first funny on eBay this time someone bid on their sister's account and so I had to retract their bid for them :-) Better than the guy that asked me whether I'd refunded him but hadn't looked on his statement before asking also the same chap who paid me adding all the delivery costs on when he was going to collect!  You can't make it up.

But here we go, I'm not angered or flustered or anything - that's just what happens so how cool is that?  It's great fun and things are good today and as they are everyday at the moment. It's just a joy to be alive and just enjoying things.  I'm off to the Jazz night tonight and I hope we will have a good evening - as I am not travelling up to my mums tomorrow I can afford to have a few beers and let my hair (what's left of it) down. 

I've been looking at my web site and other things for the business and it isn't problems and worries it's opportunities and interest and optimism - wow what a turn around, it's great to finally just believe in yourself and go and do it.  There's a few obstacles to overcome but, it isn't as if they are insurmountable they just need thought and for me to to work the ideas around. 

I find it exhilarating getting into the planning and the detail of the business and also realising that I should be able to bootstrap this into birth and existence.  I found it funny talking to some people about how I ought to go about building my business - initially I am going to test my services out on a load of mates and acquaintances to make sure it sits right, is doable and so on.  

Hopefully the account will be set up and active next week and I can set off on the next journey.  "To Infinity and BEYOND!!!" :-) thanks Buzz!

Losing the need to achieve anything

I used to beat myself up about all sorts of things and it makes me smile just writing this as I know why I came up with this thought. It was that with the bank now way over their 72 hour return call promise to get back to me might until recently have bugged the hell out of me because I couldn't "get on" until I'd got that milestone nailed and achieved the goal and the task and now, well - it doesn't matter that much at all - after all it is just a day or so and I'm not desperate to start the business until later this month and I'm also filling in the time decluttering the house and finally getting rid of my stuff on eBay.

I've got loads of stuff to just get out of my life and just wonder what on earth was I thinking when I bought it, asked for it and worse than that somethings I have I never used them ever.  How bad is that :-) 

I am working steadily through a list of things I want to get done and it isn't frustrating me any longer that it takes time or that some of it is drudgery - it has to get done and so just do it and do it with a good heart and it gets done and things tick along nicely.  I think you should have a sense of achievement a pride in doing things but missing a deadline or something slipping a day or so is in the longer term not that important (yes I know there are some exceptions).  What I mean is that if I don't quite complete all the things I set out to do it isn't because I am useless or bad at something.  It might be because I took my time or perhaps that I enjoyed doing something that I got involved in it.  There's just no reason anymore to feel bad about it, to gang up on myself and hurt myself for what at the end of the day isn't life threatening or likely to even go noticed in the world other than in myself and in my own head!  

It's been great getting to this point and it gets better every day my attitude is good and my temperament is good and I am good at holding stuff in check but not like I used to.  When I used to get angry I would seethe internally and go off an be quiet (vision of little black cloud following me around over my head).  Now sure I may feel angry but it disappears as I stop myself, see where the anger came from, check it, and it dissolves - it's just a matter of disengaging when you feel it and then to let it dissolve back realising that it wasn't necessary and it surely wouldn't help matters.  I love the control but I also like that fact that there's no longer any brooding about things - once it is gone and dismissed it doesn't come back to nag me later because it is in the past and it is gone :-)

It would have been nice to have had this sort of mental knowledge and control years ago allowing me to have moved on sooner but perhaps I wasn't "ready" for it and maybe I had to get to the brink before finally it all made sense and it also that I was ready to decide never to go back there again once I'd changed myself around.

For someone who wasn't blogging a lot...

I seem to have been going at it a fair bit.  That's probably because there is a lot happening again in my life.  All of it good - well I think that all of it is good not everyone else does unfortunately but there you go, I can't please everyone all the time and today doesn't look to be your day either :-)

I really am in a strange place though but not in my old bad way where I'd be all gripped in angst and pent up and worried and not breathing properly and all that.  It's actually quite funny - well it is to me - that I don't tend to get like that at all these days.  It infuriates the hell out of other people but - well - that's other people right?  

The last two posts talk about someone who helped me "get it" and I owe them a huge favour, without doubt my life turned around and some massive decisions were made and also some crashing realisations were endured - it is no fun when your dreams crash to the ground around you but in the end, they were only dreams after all said and done.  Then there's some of the other realities and things like job, career and what did I really want to do and yet it is pretty obvious that in many ways I knew deep down inside what I had to do but I buried it, gave it no room and it ate away at me like a poison like Gollum and The Ring from Lord of the Rings, these things burned away inside me and halted me being - me.  

What I found was that the guy that used to read books like they were going out of fashion hadn't picked up a book in anger in years apart from research books - all the history books, fiction Science fiction etc were just left on the shelf.  My music - I haven't touched my piano, keyboard, guitars etc for years.  My golf clubs lay decaying in the garage.  My painting equipment sits gathering dust too.  All of the things I used to do and enjoy I stopped doing.  They no longer interested me and one by one the brain turned those avenues of entertainment and escape off for me and over a long time I became very inward looking very introverted and whilst I had small flashes of brilliance  I was dogged with dark and black dreams and nightmares, Depression and a self loathing you can hardly believe.

So I've come out of the other end of that and had help from friends both new and old and here I am, on the edge of a new set of adventures and I'm happy again, enthusiastic and have a can do attitude again.  I don't mind doing things that I'd sneer at in the past.  I find things now that I can take in my stride but only months ago would wind me up terribly and make me angry and then I'd get angry with myself.  Generally I can keep all that in check now.

I'm going to go up and see my mum later this week - that will be a nice break for me - I could do with a short change of scenery to just check things out and it will be nice to get away for a few days before all hell breaks loose when I get back.  Interestingly - the bank still hasn't managed to talk to me and its been over a week now :-)  Am I annoyed?  Nope - actually I find it quite amusing and will have a little gentle leg pulling should they ever get back to me.  

So there we go, I reckon I'll have a lot to say soon.  I've been writing lots of stuff off blog and with so much going on in my life I've been needing to keep separate piles of notes so I can share it.  I've found myself getting stuck into creative writing again and my poetry is coming along nicely (in private) too.  I just need to get my artistic temperament  back and away I'll go.

The Journey Not The Destination

There's one destination for us all of course but I was interested in exploring the way that if you are attentive you will come across situations and people who seem to be there just for you and maybe for them as well - who knows and is it important?  

These people and sometimes these experiences, if realised, come in and out of your life and each are special and each add to your journey or alter its course or somehow enrich you.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to have these people and experiences around us for a while perhaps for a long time.  Sometimes, they are fleeting, intense and then as quickly as they came they go again.  Whether you will experience it again or not isn't in your own control and that's one of the huge lessons I've had to learn.  Me, the Control Freak, the Planner and Organiser suddenly that whole world tumbles down and you (I) realise that I could never plan where my life was going, what its purpose is and all that good stuff.  It's OK to dream I guess but if you did as much of that as I did then you would always be disappointed.  I had so many plans and none of them were clear or achievable.  I keep these in check now.  I'd still love to live by the sea and live in a quaint old village or in the country but it isn't now a plan sitting there forever just out of reach and I'm reminded of Tantalus and everything just being out of reach or not quite achievable.  

You can't control whether people will remain in your life or not and you meet people for the first and only (last) time all the time.  You never meet them again and if you miss the opportunity you miss it, that's all.  It means life just heads off in a different way.  Things change all the time - the only constant is change some say.  You can fight it or you can go with it I suppose or perhaps you can be the catalyst for change.  

As a catalyst for change, I guess that's what happened and this fleeting acquaintance unlocked the nonsense circulating around in my head, burst that like a dam and let it all out to pour away and disappear back into the ether from whence it had emanated.  When I realised that all this nonsense was finally gone and here I was free from this burden (for that's what it was) this hatred of myself then it all became easier and yet there's a huge hole in my current life because with all the 'stuff to worry about' no longer there there's a bit of a hole - it is difficult to describe, maybe an emptiness?  It feels like the inside of my body is empty and not all clogged up and thick with ideas, thoughts, worries and so on.  It's the best I can describe it.

Somethings I realise with a tinge of sadness are only transient and if anything that is hard to deal with at the moment as my catalyst for change came in and out of my life and that was it, that was destiny, karma if you like.  It could be no other way and I couldn't change that even if I wanted to and so there is a certain sadness about that but then that's the journey.  If it was meant to be something else I wouldn't be writing this.  What I am making a mess of saying is that if that meeting had not happened then I'd probably still be sat here at this computer feeling sorry for myself and drowning in  whats and ifs and maybes and feeling down on my luck.  Poisoning myself with my thoughts and inner anger.  So how can I be sad that it happened?  I can't of course.  

Other things aren't so transient and I have the woods and fields around here to walk around and just to get myself out of here, connected with something far bigger and more important than any problems I can manufacture from mid air and put onto myself.

Life's a journey and after a 7 year hiatus, it looks like I can really begin to move on a bit now grateful that someone drifted into my life and kicked down the doors, smashed the windows, let the light and the air in and turned everything upside down.  It was as if a Tornado had ripped through my life and threw away all the trappings of the previous life.  It destroyed and tore down the monuments to the past and the edifices built around myself and I found myself wide awake again, blinking in the sunlight, the clouds partings and with everything destroyed around me, the opportunity to build anew.  

There are few signs left of the Tornado now - perhaps a dust or corn devil out in the field, a whisper of a breeze through the canopy of trees on my walks, the gun-shot like crack of a broken branch underfoot, a leaf falling to the ground, the stillness and smell of the woods and composting leaves.  All I know is that I should be grateful for this and not to dwell on the fact that that force is no longer here with me, without it I would have no chance of moving on and walking out alive from this 7 year hell hole of surviving cancer.

The memories are great but of course the real reward is to love every day from here forward to the best way you can, remain vigilant to the negative thoughts and pain body type thoughts that  tortured me for so long. I was travelling back from Margate with K my long time friend and he played this song - I absolutely adore it - working on so many levels. 

Seven Year Itch

Towards the end of October I will have been writing this blog for 7 years.  That's a long time isn't it?  I've been through an amazing journey and rediscovery of myself and I find myself today in a curious place because I'm at the crossroads of my life in many ways.  I've finally accepted what has gone on before.  I have no idea if I was still in denial or bargaining   Wherever I was and you can be in many places at the same time and you can go back through any of these.  This is the Kubler Ross Model  

Without doubt I've visited everyone of these steps or stages.  I really thought I had accepted it many years ago but I'm not sure if that is actually true.  I certainly was immobilised this year - a sort of Depression state that actually means you cannot do anything at all - you have nothing there.  And now I'm coming out the end of this 7 year journey.  I have learnt so much about myself and those around me, life, the universe and all that stuff.  Importantly I've got to a point where I don't feel as if I'm the victim anymore.  

I met someone recently who brought me a new and valuable perspective on life and treated me differently to the way I have ever been treated before.  They built me up, restored my confidence, questioned my preconceived ideas and the way I felt about myself.  Thank goodness they came along, then thank goodness I got introduced to 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which introduced some new ideas and concepts and once I read about what was going on here it was easy to change things around.

When we get to Post Embargo you will realise where we are in things and how much has changed.  It all sounds very cloak and dagger but it really isn't.  It's funny how people walk into your life and it's Karma sometimes - things happen for a reason and the right person at the right time and someone who finally "Got Me" for what and who I am - no preconceived ideas about what I should or shouldn't be.   This all happened as I was possibly at my lowest ebb in all the years post cancer diagnosis.

Today, I have an attitude to life that has changed completely, entirely and which I try very hard to maintain.  I do get the odd wobble but it's OK I can deal with it.  That's the thing now, I can deal with this, I can control anger and I can stop myself beating myself up about the past and what I could have or should have been, done, etc.  I can just be the best I can be and that's it.  I watched people this weekend and was just there.  I did have fun and a laugh and a joke - it's what I do - I'm a funny guy when I want to be and I can be quiet and attentive.  I can be a ego centred bore too I'm sure.  This weekend I tried to just hold that last character in check, it doesn't always work of course.  

I hope that the coming week will see me move things on with the business venture and also move me closer to dropping the embargo on some of my news.  I had a good weekend away and yet I am glad I am home but want to make things move on a bit now - I have to get myself organised and try and hit the Christmas Market for my web site - if the bank ever gets back to me that is :-)  

I really shouldn't look back on the last 7 years with anything other than to say - "well that happened" because it isn't relevant and doesn't help me move forward (apart from the experience of course).  I was told that I ought to write a book about it.  I feel I've written it already because it must cover everything you'd ever feel and go through?  Who knows, maybe I will write a book at some point in time, who knows what will transpire.

So 7 years on and the angst and the depression and the immobility dropped from my body like stepping out of an old wet overcoat.  I'm enjoying the freedom of being in the now although it doesn't always work you have to work at it a fair bit.  All I do know is that all that worrying and angst were so counterproductive and destructive to allowing me to move forward they held me in a grip of grey depression for all that time.  Now I'm just about to embark on a new journey and that will be fun and fulfilling no matter how I do.  But I'll do OK, I know I will, I'll enjoy doing it, it will be my privilege and pleasure to do the best that I can do and that's the best that anyone can do - do it with the right attitude and not a heavy heart - that's surely the way?   

Weekend

I'm beginning to worry about myself - I managed to trip up three times over the weekend.  Granted two of them were down to dodgy holes in the pavement (Sidewalk) and one was me missing the steps on the way out of the Restaurant.  

The first and where I actually fell over rather than tripped was due to a small piece of metal it looked like, removed when they took away some seaward facing seats and replaced them.   Hitting that at night I managed to trip headlong but managed to save myself partially but jarred my arms and my chest and grazed my collar bone where if struck a glancing blow to the arm of the new chair that had been installed.  Luckily I was with it enough to see what was coming and take avoiding action - it could have been much worse.  The other two were just silly.  Ho hum.

We had a good time but I do notice that I am getting a lot older and not so able to drink to the quantity I used to meaning that we were back in our Hotel rooms around 11 last night.  It had though been a very long day before hand.

I'm taking it easy today the sun is shining but I am going to be very busy this week and so a little rest is a good start.

I'm also going to see if the Bank fancies ringing me - they rung me late on Friday but I didn't answer as I asked them to ring me on Friday morning.  In fact I wonder whether it is worth dealing with them at all - it has been appalling service from the start.  

So The Bank...

Still not rung me - what's that about then - 72 hour response from Monday?  I wonder whether to just dump them and go with another bank - a whole week wasted! WTF....

So - onwards an upwards - I can't worry about that and will just have to sort it out on Monday - I'm just getting ready to go to Margate for the weekend and looking forward to getting away for a short while.  It will be very enjoyable as I'm getting an honour in the Province so I'm happy about that.

I've been thinking a lot about my current situation (that you don't know about yet) and am very comfortable with where I am now.  It has taken all these years to tackle all the things that built up around me (mostly of my own making but not all) and do something about them.  It sounds selfish doesn't it - to be looking after myself?  In fact the only person you can really look after is yourself - you can't live other people's lives for them.  What you perceive as their "lot" is based on your own values and not theirs.  You can't condemn or condone or do anything about it, you might like to think you can do these things but in reality why are you doing them - will it make them feel better or will it make YOU feel better about yourself?

It's all deep stuff isn't it? :-) I like to mess with my head but I no longer beat myself up and I no longer allow myself to fly off and into a rage - I pull myself back, I still get these flashbacks to the past, these dreams of the future but I no longer dwell on them, making them real and I have now learnt to identify what they are and just to stop them interfering with me and my life.  I find myself choking back my Ego too.  I always have an opinion and as an INTJ I know lots of, well let's call it "Stuff" and I have a mind full of knowledge but in the vast majority of cases it is learnt and researched it isn't a barrel load of bollocks.  What I do now is I don't get stuck in and hold court anymore - I actually get more fun in being there and just adding the occasional snippet and watching the people.  I wished I had been a little sharper last weekend as I met this lady with a sharp pain body who needed a couple of soothing words to lose the anger she had.  It was sad that her husband had dumped her for an older woman - but that was 18 months ago and she hadn't come to terms with it.  I had only just been introduced and she volunteered that information without me asking.  Poor girl but there's an upside to that surely by now?  She can't do anything about it and it's in the past, it can't hurt you unless you constantly have it nagging in the back of your mind like she did.  She looked angry and upset when she said it - a pain came across her face and if I had known her better I might have been able to express ways of banishing that memory.

In many ways, all of the past I had that used to hurt me no longer does as I banished back to the black hole it belongs in.  Quite how your own body/mind can do some much damage to yourself is incredible if you think about it?  You have to let that stuff go and get rid of it altogether.  It has no place in your life.

So I'm off to Margate - a weekend where I don't need to look back apart from with fun and nostalgia and where I am just going to have a good time and not feel guilty about that either - in fact I'm never going to feel guilty about enjoying myself ever again.  That bit of my brain too has been switched off.  

Energy

It's good to get some energy again and to start planning and getting stuck into the business of running my business.  Typical the Bank rang as I was at Costa!  Doh!  So hopefully they will ring tomorrow morning.  

Was out with Flocky Bicep for coffee then my friend came over for lunch and so was in a good place, very good indeed.  I'm going to now take a long weekend to enjoy myself and spend time with an old friend and then hopefully to get really cracking on Monday with new vigour.  

I'm feeling very good at the moment and I just hope that it continues.