Not Always Easy To Move On

We are creatures of habit and don't like change and yet change happens all the time but as it is gradual we don't tend to notice it.  When it comes to a major change, like leaving your wife and moving out it tends to be a bit of a daunting task and certainly if you just sit back and think about it, it is.  Of course, I'm trying not to think too much about it as it certainly is challenging and it is a bit daunting and yet it is also exciting and for me is as much about turning the page over and getting used to living on my own and also beginning to live what I feel is the last third of my life.

I like Flocky's explanation of the 3 ages of man - 28 years growing up 28 years with the wife and kids and then another 28 years (hopefully).  A three phase approach.  I hope that I might get those 28 years.  25 will be good I reckon.

I wondered if I'd regret the first 56 and actually I don't really nor do I regret the fact that I waited until now to break up and move out albeit there were some compelling reasons that I could have but I didn't take them and just moved on. The thing is that even if I did regret them, it's over and past and there's nothing I can do.  As my friend used to remind me "You will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take".  

I had a long chat with a friend of mine who was concerned about my health and what my current situation might be doing to me.  Was he ever surprised when I explained how clear my thinking was these days and how it was like a burden lifted and how I was now finally free of the depression and upset that was a constant to my life.  You can't continue to live like that no matter how much I liked to try and convince myself that I was doing the right thing hanging on in there, it really wasn't the right thing at all.  So my friend's concern was soon replaced as I explained the changes that I was going through.

It is not to say there is some guilt arising from my actions as I've said Mrs. F. looks so sad and red eyed and I can't do anything to help that.  The girls seem to be OK about things and pretty cool as I thought they would be. I can't imagine that anyone other than Mrs. F. thought that our existence was anything like a real marriage it was always two people revolving around each other.  

 I am hoping that things happen before Christmas and that I can move out and take stock, rebuild and then move on.  It's not that I am feeling stressed it is that I genuinely want or feel that I need the space and the freedom to turn that new leaf over and start from a fresh page and use my time to build my business and to start again.  

I reckon that there will be a little but not much collateral damage but it's like having Cancer, you lose some friends and you gain some, this time though I know not to take it personally if these people cannot deal with me or don't want to.  That's their problem not mine and I am unlikely to make it my problem.  I have no idea if anyone believes I have "done the wrong thing" or "done the dirty" on Mrs. F.  I suppose I'll have to be ready for that.  I feel I've done everything possible but I know that some people still feel it is "failure" and too easy to walk away from marriage and yet I've been trying to repair it for 15 years - you can only try for so long and go so far.

I can see that I will probably be a bit sad for a while just because it IS the end of this particular journey and the good times were very good indeed.  The bad times weren't really bad or awful - they weren't good and it is not as if we argued all the time, threw stuff at each other or were ever violent.   One wish I do have is that Mrs. F. comes to terms with it and doesn't ponder over the permutations of the past and moves on and can work out a way forward.  It would be nice if she just sorted that out, meets someone and gets a life outside of the house, work and the children - it can't be me but I do hope that we can be friends and still meet up.

Inner Calmness - But Not All The Time :-)

Quite how you are meant to be able to maintain an inner calmness all of the time I have yet to master and I'm having some difficulty getting it right all the time but I am getting there.

Yesterday was a case in point and it took a good 15 minutes to stop thinking negative thoughts and dismiss them and get back on an even keel.  I do have the tools to do that now and that to my mind is the greatest thing I have in my armoury these days.  I can identify what is going on and deal with it.  The TV comes on and the bad news spills out - I take the headlines and turn over.  They start with "good Evening" and then proceed for 30 minutes to tell you why it isn't.  It's not that I am not interested in the news just that I don't need all the argument and conflict that they seem to believe is necessary - tell me the news but stop giving me a one sided view of it.  Just report what it is.

And so I deliberately switch off, change channel or go and do something else.  I don't need all that pain inflicted on me, who does?  Of course there's plenty of stuff going on in my life as it is and there are some reflections on that which lead me into bad places but I am stopping those too.  I think the hardest things to divert are those "regrets" and "things you can't have" I mean opportunities which came my way and either I didn't take them or let them slip through my fingers or perhaps they were just not meant to be.  Coming to terms with these which hold strong emotions and heart tugging decisions that may or may not have been made and may or may not have been in my ability to control has been difficult.  What if though cannot be entertained because it is pretty futile and these things have passed.  

Some of these experiences have been just wonderful, exciting, an emotionally charged roller coaster and then extinguished and behind me, or are they?  There's the problem, where there's hope!  I just have to work so hard to dismiss these thoughts and rely on the fact that if something happens then it happens.  I don't feel that I should pursue a "lost cause" that I should waste energy and emotion doing something that is not logical and may not actually yield anything.

So I have to work very hard to relax and breath and then dismiss these nagging little ideas that come into my head.  I found myself thinking about a wonderful time in my life and if I'd only had the strength to have done something about it but I didn't then, I can't know and so what it the point of it?  It's the brain tricking me and questioning me over why I'm leaving Mrs. F. and what if I'd done something some years ago and wouldn't life be so much better etc., etc.

These are the hardest thoughts I have to deal with these days because most of the other stuff is gone and doesn't come back - this is obviously to do with perhaps a fear in the back of my mind that I may not meet someone in the future or something like that and it's irrational but of course might happen.  I just have to repeat to myself that "This Too Will Pass" meaning it's got my attention but it can't hurt me and it is in the past and has happened and that it is no use worrying about whether something will happen in the future either.  That's the other phrase I use to myself "It Will Be What It Will Be".  Because I know what this is I can deal with it but it still doesn't always get you past that "what if" question :-) I hope I'll be able to stop thinking like that because it really isn't a fair question at all.

Preparing For The Storm

Lots of warnings about a big storm coming in from the Atlantic for us.  Gusts of 80 mph so they say and memories of the Great Storm of 1987 loom large when we lost fences and a lot of our trees and the widespread damage was in the millions of trees, local Sevenoaks ended up with just six of their seven Oaks standing.  

It is expected to come in overnight and into the early hours of the morning - so let's hope things are OK.  The wind direction might give us some problems as it is hitting the side of the house where I had the tiles come off in the last squall!  It has just started to rain and get very blowy outside so a wild night ahead no doubt.

I am recovering from the funny turn of yesterday - I suppose I'll get these occasionally the nagging doubt and the "am I doing the right thing?" sort of stuff.  Of course I'm doing the right thing but my brain doesn't always do logical things and so I just needed to fend that off.  

I do think I am in a good place but perhaps there is a little fear about what is coming but I somehow believe that it will be a new adventure for me and that I will be able to rise to the challenge. 

Blast It - A bad Afternoon

I don't get many of these but it was a sudden blip and I must have let my guard down and thwack - a bunch of confusing thoughts entered my head.  It was difficult because they were sad thoughts to start coupled with some really nice thoughts and then back to sad again.  It was in the past and so that's the silly thing, it had happened and there was nothing I could do about it now and I tried but couldn't get rid of them before they upset me.

I'm fine again it was a 15 minute struggle to just get the thoughts out of my head.  I reflected on a wonderful time in my life, it was a perfect summer day, insects buzzing around the heady perfume of flowers and in a secret garden and no one else around and it came flooding back to me in wonderful daydream colours and I could feel the warmth of the sun and the perfume of those flowers and the sound of the insects and I became sad because I suppose I felt that it would never happen again, that moment, those feelings, that moment in space and how it made me feel.  I'll let you fill in the blanks shall I? :-)

It took all of my concentration to not get all maudlin about it and I managed it but with some difficulty and it was brought on by the merest of memories and blow me took me by complete surprise.  However, in the past I'd probably have been upset for days about it but I'm OK, under control and whilst it took a little longer at least I did get it under control and was able to recall that it was in the past, that it can't be replayed and the sadness wasn't about then it was whether or not I would feel like that in the future and how stupid is that too.  So once you boil this stuff down and bring it under control it is just silly and to me that's what I really needed to reprogramme my brain about.  These triggers are all to do with my mind telling me things and using the situation to test whether I'm serious about what I'm doing and so on.  It's all a nonsense and should be treated as such.

Concern For Me

Isn't it interesting that people are concerned for me - possibly more so than when I had cancer.  Lots' of people are sympathising and "making sure I am OK" which is nice.  Of course I don't suppose they are quite expecting to speak to the new me and when I respond how well I am feeling and that I'm quite happy with my situation and ready to move on it takes many people aback.

I suppose the interesting thing is that I'm instigating the break up and so in many ways I've had all the difficulties and the problems up to and including the time of breaking the news to Mrs. F.  At that time, for right or for wrong, all my worries disappeared and all hers started and whilst I do feel sorry to inflict pain on anyone as I've said before, I offset that with the years of mini stabs I got for 15 years or more, the nights spent out in the garden staring at the sky, drinking a glass of scotch to simmer down as I don't do angry and yelling or physical violence I just take myself off somewhere and go calm down.  These days I can calm down in a minute in a past life it could take me days to calm down.  

Today, I am almost excited at the prospect of finding a place to live, starting my business up and getting to grips with living a life away from the house and Mrs. F.  

Tomorrow I have a large Lodge meeting and some of the people I know will be told that I am leaving Mrs. F.  Some already know but whatever it will be interesting to gauge reactions and see how many are worried about me.  I'm looking forward to getting a few beers down my neck I have to say.  I just fancy a few beers and a chat with some of my mates.

And Now The Discussion Point

Or not perhaps.  You see it was a long time ago that I spoke about whether there was some sort of plan going on here and well maybe there is and maybe there isn't.

I used to be what I'd call a religious person and when I was younger attended church and groups but after the age of about 20 none of it made any sense to me at all.  

I maintain a belief in a supreme being but I now think that is a oneness and connectedness rather than a "being" a universal oneness perhaps.  That's the best I can describe it as.  Like 'The Force' in Star Wars perhaps?  I think religion simplifies and allegories this oneness to make it explainable to the masses.

It's an interesting subject no doubt but not one worth arguing about but it does run through some of the things that have happened to me.  My attitude is that things happen for a reason or tend to but I don't believe they are planned as such not in a grand plan way.  I mean all that happened to me this year can be explained in logical terms except the meetings and the friendships and that sort of thing.  By that I mean that things happened in such a way that it all worked out for me but it could have been different the timings and the actual people and perhaps the books and programmes I saw etc.  It could have happened faster or slower.  It could still be going on now and when I looked back I could have thought the same as I think now that it was Karma?  

We distort what happens to us to fit sometimes?  Why did I survive cancer?  Well it was spotted early enough to do something about, I did everything I could to recover and changed my lifestyle to assist my treatment.  I wanted to live, I was fit and healthy despite everything else.  I didn't see any grand purpose at all.  In many ways it did do something to me to allow me to explore myself and get to grips with all that was going on.  I was never a paranoid, insecure, depressed person until I got cancer.  It ripped away everything that I'd built up about myself my character my 'Ego' was torn down and I was stripped bare and naked and humiliated in front of my peers.

Well that's what it felt like.  I prayed to be spared but I'm not certain that is where it is at at all.  There are some words that describe "the vital and immortal principle within us all" and it is within us that we need to look for it is there that the answer lies.  In many ways the concepts of state, residence, creed, colour and the like just need to be boiled down and removed, they don't exist except in the mind.  Are you really 'English' or are you the same as everyone else on the planet, made of the same stuff as them and every other thing on the earth, the solar system and the universe?  Take it all back down to basics and tear down the falsehoods of ethnicity, race, creed, nationality and what have you got?  

I like some of the words in Desiderata "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."  It's part of a greater thing.  I read this yesterday.  "What is life? It is the flash of a Firefly in the night. It is the breath of a Buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." -- Crowfoot 

That's the simplicity of it all it all comes down to the flash of a Firefly and the breath of a Buffalo, these are the signs that God, whatever you conceive that to be, is inside you and everything else but it isn't a person, it is the message that person brought that the immortal principle is in every cell of your body, every space between the components of the atoms that once they have left your mortal shell will go and become part of something else.  

I found that once I'd grasped that, everything started to fall into place and whether or not the events of the past were Karma or preordained something may have been at work but you just need to accept that it was the way it was, that was the past and that's the way it occurred and if it had been another way the results may have been different but that's it that's what happened.  In retrospect it looks planned because you can see it no other way :-)

So to me it is the connection of the whole system and the connection with every living thing in the universe that is the glue holding it all together.  I keep saying that reading 'A New Earth' will be useful because Eckhart Tolle can actually explain in his words far better than I can and has some far more powerful arguments too.

So Was The Cancer To Blame For Marriage Breakdown?

A tricky question is that one.  I'm going to say that it was a contributory factor.  I was already contemplating leaving before I got cancer but the girls were still young and I'd always thought I should go after the youngest was 16 (4 years ago).  So I was hanging on when I got ill.  

Afterwards there was a period when I really had no idea what I wanted to do, all I wanted was to get back to health and fitness and goodness knows it took a good long time too.  You do however get an insight into life and the universe going through something like that I have to say.

There is though something fundamental that goes on.  You do question your faith or your belief or whatever you believe in.  You explore your own mortality and you do wonder what it is all about.  Of course not everyone does, some treated their cancer like a nasty cold which I felt was pretty impressive!  There are many explorations to seek the knowledge of your self and here is the rub, I only got there recently through a series of disconnected (on the outside) events.

SInce June of this year it all came together a series of unplanned and unrelated events that finally pulled all the various thoughts and randomness I had together.  I met a young lady who spent lots of time with me and made me consider or reconsider everything.  My business partner and friend introduced me to the writings of Eckhart Tolle and particularly his book 'A New Earth' which together with the Oprah Winfrey shows interviewing him (on Youtube) and listening to the audio book afterwards finally drilled it into me to just get on and make all the changes I had procrastinated about before.  My good friend Flocky Bicep, bless him, has had his ear bent so far he could probably wear it as a scarf.  We discussed all sorts of stuff and for me, a control freak if you ever met one, I let all that go and went with it.

So being challenged and introduced to new thinking by various people all unrelated to each other but by happy coincidence all arriving and departing my life in a short space of time the whole thing came together.  It became obvious what I had to do, just thinking about it released my mind and gave me a freedom that I can hardly express to you.   

I discovered a world outside of my comfort zone here and I liked what I saw, I liked that I could get out there and be myself and not be held back, criticised, despised, made miserable and then like the click of a switch I knew that one of the actions that had to happen was to initiate leaving Mrs. F. 

Without doubt the cancer was a catalyst but it didn't start the process off that had been happening for a long while.  What it did was to consolidate the reasons but I still wasn't ready to go.  The girls are both over 20 years old now and that was a factor too.  SO ticks in the box were that I was now well, that I had finally joined all the strands together and realised what it was that was giving me all the problems I was having and I had avoided these and I suppose no one wants to do something as unsavoury as this but then there was an overriding need to go and DO SOMETHING :-) Not as I thought to make a huge difference although with Doddle we had wanted to do that for society but it wasn't that, it was to stop wasting my life stuck here in my office and trapped in this prison cell.  

I can get out and do something and today again, I made a difference in a few people's lives.  A smile and a good morning, a thank you an acknowledgement (my waiter from the Curry house walking to work) all that sort of thing - that's all it means to make a difference in this world, it doesn't need to be a massive thing, lots of little things.  Try and do it yourself, pay someone a compliment they weren't expecting, smile, be civil.  Someone messing around in the car in front, don't drill the horn, let it be, it won't hold you up as long as you think and what are you actually doing?  Does it make YOU feel any better?  Probably the opposite.

SInce early August, once I got past that awful moment of spitting out that I wanted out, I have fixed all the chores in the house I needed to and have waited for years in some cases.  I've moved things on with the business that I'd sat on for months and months.  I've been a far nicer person and I'm the person I always used to and want to be again.  It's great to be alive, it's good to go and do things and get out and enjoy life.  I have to pack some stuff for eBay - in the old days I'd be all het up about it and annoyed but now it's fun to pack it up and wander up to the Post Office and then pop into the coffee shop and have a natter and say hello to people up there, wander back and listen to the birds singing in the trees and the wind whipping around the tops of the trees.  Simple isn't it?  

So to answer the original question - yes without doubt cancer changed everything but it was one of the threads that needed joining.  Call it Karma but everything arrived at the right time.  My Angel as I call her or perhaps a spirit guide made me question just about everything in my life and woke up parts of my brain that had gone dormant and lazy.  Pulled out all the sad and awful stuff and eventually got rid of that.  Then reading the book reinforced that with chats with my business partner.that culminated in one night going to bed, doing some of the exercises to flush your mind and waking up the next morning as if someone had power washed my brain and body and removed about 5 stones of weight - I still feel very strange - empty and receptive and light and happy, it's great.  Flocky Bicep made me hold it all together and it hasn't been easy at all.  I've had all sorts of emotions massive highs and lows and then it all came together in early August when I finally broke the news but it wasn't over then, there was another couple of shocks to come but now I'm fine, I'm out the other side.  FInally all of these factors have re-built my confidence and where cancer stripped me off my self belief and confidence and stole much of who I was my friends through talking, introducing me to new concepts and supporting me have rebuilt my confidence and my self esteem and now I'm building on it day to day.  I really like the new me - I hated my old self quite a bit, despised myself even.  Once you get rid of the little voice in your head, dump your ego on it's arse and then stop all the fantasies and dreams that can never be achieved (unless you are doing this for fun) it all becomes clear, the road ahead isn't blocked nor is it dangerous, it's interesting, it's there to be taken and explored it beckons me to who knows where but I'm no longer frightened of it, it will be what it will be and can be no other way.  Living for the now is great and the past is the past and that's that too.  

I notice that the new me can still write and talk for England and if there were a gold medal - I might well win it!  :-)  

First appointment for the business in a short while

Off shortly for the first of a series of meetings about the business.  It is surprising how long it takes to actually get all your ideas together and to then actually go and set things in motion.  Today I'm meeting someone who owns a promotional business (printed gifts and the like) and hope to discuss getting some of my stuff from him and also to see if he can rent me his business address as I probably won't be allowed to operate a business out of rented accommodation.  I looked at getting a PO Box but I'm not sure people would actually send me stuff (like family photos) to that.

I've talked to my graphics man who did my last company logos and style sheets and will catch up with him later this week too.  Things are beginning to roll along nicely I just need to find a place to move to and then set up my office and systems in a new environment it's no use setting it all up here and then having to move on again.  

At least it is all keeping me occupied :-)

Stressed? Angry? Upset?

Not me surprisingly.  It was amazing to myself that I wasn't after telling Mrs. F. I wanted out.  It was the worst thing I have ever had to do as, let's face it, I had been thinking about it for years and the last few days almost brought me to a standstill, my throat constricted I could hardly talk so stressed out was I by what I was about to do.  My throat is better now after I saw my mum last week as that too was stressful especially being made to wait close to 10 weeks to say anything.  

Immediately afterwards though, after I'd managed to cut through the guilt I felt in upsetting her, for I've never upset her like that before in my whole life - in fact I don't think I've ever done that to anyone - caused so much misery to them.  I felt pretty wretched but once I'd reassured myself that I'd done the right thing - and goodness knows after all the years it was the right thing, the pressures lifted and the weight came off, the stress left my body and I was able to begin to breath properly and there was clarity of thought too.  Suddenly, I was going to be "free" of this burden and I was going to be able to work on getting my life back.

It's a complete role reversal now.  I see Mrs. F looking so sad these days and of course I feel for her and of course I sympathise but I'd felt like that for 15 years I have to keep reminding myself.  I wouldn't say that to her of course.  I just hope that she comes to terms with it as quickly as possible because she does look so very upset.  

So I keep getting asked am I stressed out? "This must be a difficult time for you?" and the answer is no it isn't really.  It feels no different from normal in the house, in fact we probably speak a bit more but only short sentences :-) When I actually get a place then it may be different but, whether it is wrong or not, I feel excited and charged up by the idea of moving on and then getting my own place, setting up my business and making a go of that and all those good things.  Yes I'm super charged up and ready to face the world and whatever gets chucked at me.

Very Poignant Bit Of Music

It's one of my favourite pieces of music at the moment. This, along with a number of others that made the soundtrack to my last 4 months.  I'll let you work it out yourselves here is the one that is playing around in my head at the moment....

Then there is this one which also resonates a fair bit too.

Stuff Happens

Things happen all the time and I catch myself in mid curse or rising anger because it's futile to get angry over things.  People are always going to do unexpected things like paying me too much money or wanting something for nothing.  It's all part of the journey.

I find myself being angry occasionally only because of the way people behave towards me and towards each other but then again it's just a matter of remembering why it is they are like that, they can't help it (you need to read Eckhart Tolle's book to get this).  I'm no where near good enough to stop my anger immediately but can recognise and stop it and take steps to check it.

It's refreshing to just keep out of the way of the pain and angst and baggage you get loaded with.  Last night one of the guys who is an attention seeker has finally run out of being Mr. Angry as I don't react to it anymore not even agreeing or making supportive noises.  He's actually turned out to be quite amusing when he wants to be.

I'm looking forward to setting up a few meetings this week and getting out and about and starting to pull together the plans for the business.  It should be an interesting week I hope and my eBay stuff is rolling along nicely.  It's more than paid for itself this past month and gradually my pile of rubbish is going down. :-) 

Shout it out

General Health Update

I am feeling great, my weight is just slowly going down and I'm the 14 stone of 15 stone now which is good.  I expect it to go down slowly for about another year now and I hope to be around 12 to 12 and a half stone and I'd be happy.  I am no longer having a cheat day as such but will occasionally have a beer or a bit of bread or piece of cake every now and then - once a week maybe.  That allows me to have a treat every now and then.

I feel very light and by that I mean I have no heaviness in or on my body.  All the tightness and weight I felt I was carrying around is gone, inside of my body it feels empty which I know sounds strange but it feels like there is lots of space inside me and that there is no weight left.  In other words all the stress and the baggage has gone.

My blood pressure has dropped as did my blood glucose readings but I haven't felt inclined to do anything about measuring these since I went to the doctor as that too hasn't seemed necessary anymore.

I feel remarkably fit and try and walk a lot these days if I can even though I could drive if I wanted to it feels to me that a good walk makes you feel better and clears my head.

So health is fine and I'm just waiting to hear when they want to get me in to do my 6 month check - I've a feeling it is early December but will wait and see.

I'm so miserable it's just like your're still here

So the saying goes - it's a bit cruel but quite funny and you have to maintain a sense of humour I think or you'd go bonkers.  

Have to say that since I've got back it's been pretty fraught around here.  I also feel terrible about things, I really hate hurting people and more so Mrs. F. she looks so sad and so hurt all the time.  Of course I suppose you can balance that with how I've been and the hurt I've had over the years too?  I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for her but I know it could never work or be repaired it's too far gone and it needs two to change.

I guess that I'm the one who has finally got it all off my chest and off my back and I notice that my throat has finally returned to being normal after being quite husky for weeks possibly months.  Stress no doubt and I was pretty glad that my mum was OK with this and wasn't upset which was the last stress point and worry.  Mind you I'm her son so I guess there's that to balance it all.  
Just had a catch up coffee with Flocky Bicep and discussed getting a House together as he too is separating from his wife.  That would work out well I think and allows us to get a bigger place for the same sort of money as if we were getting a single flat each.

I'm hoping that it will be pretty quick so I can move out and we can get used to being apart.  Until then I can immerse myself in work and get cracking with decluttering which is going OK at the moment.  It is amazing how much stuff you collect when you've been in the same house for 25 years!  I'm hoping to be able to spend some time this week to work on the business a bit further.  I've got the Accountant's stuff now and the Bank Account so things are lining up.

It is quite interesting being the "new me" because by now I'd have stuff organised and stuff in boxes, check lists and plans and I've got the square root of nothing :-) No plans, no ideas at all as until we find a place then it doesn't matter what plans I've got.  It is great just having that freedom of mind these days and not being trapped within the plans and outcomes.

In many ways I have a fortunate personality type as I can just walk away from this and move on and not dwell on it but I'm also so glad that I dumped all that past stuff too and also got rid of the voice in my head as well - it makes a huge difference and allows me to get on with it without any pressure now.  

All I want now is to get out of the house and let what will be, be.  People are thinking about Christmas and arrangements - I think I will wait until nearer the time to make up my mind on that.

What A Ride

I can honestly say that since June of this year it's been one hell of a ride.  I wonder whether you believe in Karma and that things happen for a reason?  One of my earlier posts I said that I gained a new friend and that they had shown me something about myself that I hadn't realised or known about or perhaps that I had forgotten about.  It was like the visitation of an Angel or something like that.  Appearing at the right time, making me question everything and then leaving me to work out the answer for myself in many ways.  Suddenly it all became clear and it was like the click of a light switch.  One moment it was life as normal and then it was the realisation that this was no life at all.  It offered me nothing and no future.

I pretty much knew that I had to do something and that I needed finally to stop the procrastination and to get on with my life and to get out of the rut I was in.  Good old Flocky Bicep was there for coffee and advice and off I went to start a journey that ended shortly after that in early August.  By the end of June I was in a different place altogether.  In that meeting in June I had walked in my local woods and fields and there had a vision of myself hanging from a tree and it shook me up.  I looked at the trees from the field and saw my lifeless body there in this waking dream and I began to really think about that picture.  It wasn't the first time I'd thought like that or the first time that I'd seen myself in some awful situation.  Of course, having known a few suicides in my time it wasn't serious it was a metaphor for my situation.

It signalled the end of the current life I had and the realisation that I wasn't the person I'd become.  I wasn't the person who's misery was actually caused as much by myself as by my situation and the downbeat life and existence I had fallen into.  I think deep down in my heart I knew it to be so, I tried to change it and it was easy to "let it be" but in early July I had the worst depression I can ever remember and around the 1st to 4th July it was very bad indeed.  My mum's birthday is 1st July, my anniversary of finding the symptoms of my Cancer was the 2nd July.  My dad died on the 3rd July and it is my birthday on the 4th July.  I remember being in a very bad place but I think it was a combination of many factors not least of which was that I had a couple of long meetings with my "Angel" and the walls came tumbling down.  

About this time I was reading Eckhart Tolle's book 'A New Earth' and suddenly the whole thing came together.  I knew in June what I had to do but it took me all of July to convince myself what I had to do and how I had to go about it.  It isn't easy asking yourself questions about Divorce.  I mean it's obvious but here are some:

1. You'll probably have to live in a smaller house in a different neighbourhood
2. Can you live on your own and look after yourself
3. You will have to split your pension and savings
4. Do you say 'We' or 'I' when talking about yourself

And so on.  These are all things that are material - I love this house it is great and I love living in the village but I think I'd be happy elsewhere.  I fancy living by the coast but let's see what happens?  My home life has, I admit, not been great for years and years.  I didn't really realise this as it gradually eroded over the years.  I have my own social life, Mrs. F. no longer has one and it takes a lot of convincing to get her to go to things.  This is accompanied by lots of negativity too and it was this that was gnawing away all the time.  It was, as my mother puts it, a Bachelor and Spinster living together both doing totally separate things.

I am glad we had children and they are great.  I'm glad that they don't appear to hate me and seem to be OK with what is going on.  I was going to leave when they were little but that didn't seem right to me and now they are in their 20s well they can handle this sort of thing and perhaps it can be a little alarm bell for them too.  

The agonies I went through to finally say to Mrs. F that it was over were pretty awful even though I was trying to work through the book and everything else.  Of course it wasn't finished there either.  Leading up to saying the words that I wanted out, Mrs. F. was extremely worried about me and thought I was going in to a serious meltdown.  I did go very quiet and withdrawn as it is easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  But she mentioned to me on a few occasions was it her and did I want her to leave?  So eventually she forced me to tell her what was wrong so I told her and it was a massive shock to her, absolute bombshell.  

Have to say I felt like sh1t telling her, still do as she is still hurt and shocked and upset and there's nothing I can do about it.  What is clear to me is that the misery I am getting at the moment isn't a hell of a lot worse than I've had before it just happens to be all the time.  I hadn't realised that until so many people, once I told them about the separation, told me that they'd "never felt welcome" and similar comments.  I know that and often I've made excuses but now it really is blindingly obvious.  It's not as if I haven't tried to sort this out in the past either and I see now those attempts were worthy and sensible but utterly futile.  I hope that when I get out of the way she sorts herself out and just cheers herself up.  Flocky came to my help once again and where I was saying how bad I felt about what I'd done he reminded me that I had been the one who had had this misery every day for 10 to 15 years and that the only difference now was that Mrs. F. now had all of it and that the "pressure" was now off me.  So it was.

I feel no pressure or upset anymore.  I feel a little bit bad for Mrs. F. of course I do but I feel free and I feel excited and I also have lost a lot of the angst and bitterness I felt towards myself.  I'm going to be moving out and building my business and be meeting with my friends more often and living a life that I owe to myself.  Sure I'm going to be poorer in terms of money but I'm going to be richer in terms of my friends and my future wellbeing.  I'm no longer the victim in the play of life.

My guardian Angel and I are still in touch which is great and I'm convinced this was no chance meeting and no chance conversations and explorations of who I was and what I am and all that good stuff.  I've suddenly got my interests back, I read and listen to music, I write (I have 5 or 6 private blogs), suddenly I've got my interest back in nature and getting out and walking out in the woods and fields again.  I've even written some poetry and started some serious creative writing.  I've explored spiritualism and got myself comfortable with myself again and I'm now confident that I am liked, that people will be interested in me and that I'm not some sort of freak or failure.

It seems a long time to be in embargo too but lots happened and much of it was that Mrs. F. didn't really accept the situation.  No one believes that this all happened at the beginning of August and it's now mid October.  My mum wonders how I've kept so cheerful.  Well I know this sounds bad but that's because I AM happy and I am pleased to be getting out of this marriage it was, after all, one of the things that was keeping me down and stopping me from being me.  I found it touching that when I told the girls they were more upset in case the cancer had returned than that I was leaving their mother..  Mrs. F thought the reaction might be quite different.  In many ways intuitively I thought that they'd know things weren't right.  They certainly must have guessed for after I had told Mrs. F. it was over suddenly I became free.  I started fixing all the things in the house.  I started to be me again and the veil dropped away and I was useful again, doing household chores and just getting on with stuff that had rotted on the bottom of my todo list as I just couldn't be arsed to do them!

I just want to get out now and go and be on my own or rather be away from Mrs. F. for a while.  At the moment the house is like an ice factory and we hardly speak to each other and circulate around in orbit neither of us staying in the same room together.  In fact she doesn't always answer me and just disappears off for the odd hour every now and then.   In fact it's just like things used to be but just a little more frosty :-)  It isn't nice living here at the moment but as soon as I get the opportunity then I'm outta here and whilst I know it will be strange and it will be hard for a while I have plenty of things to do and I can keep occupied and busy and that will make the break acceptable and bearable.  I need the time to take stock, adjust and move on.  I also want to build my business and just let that slowly evolve and I hope that it will see me through until retirement.

So what a ride indeed.  Lot's of people are worried that I may be stressed or upset and the opposite is the case.  I'm relieved, I'm happy and I feel great.  I haven't felt so well for years, my anxiety levels are way down, my depression is a thing of the past.  I don't have any axes to grind or debts to repay to enemies, I don't have all the elaborate plans anymore I have the day, the now to live and I intend to go and do that.  I have turned my back on being dragged down and to be affected anymore and a new life awaits.  As for companionship well that may or may not come, I have my friends and they will take me or leave me as I am and accept or reject the new me.  I'll have plenty of time to meet a new circle of friends too and to renew acquaintances old and new.  I have to make sure that nothing affects this mood and I think I am suitably experienced to realise that from now on.   More later

Deep deep breath and..... begin

I was trying to work out why I was so down and so miserable and it took me a while to discover what it was.  I met someone this year who turned my life around and came into and out of my life in a very short space of time but became the catalyst to finally add up all the numbers, stop denying the blindingly obvious and make me sort my life out and to finally ditch the past, stop worrying about the future and start living in the now, the present and not to yearn for the past or reach for things that were never likely let alone achievable.  

Suddenly I realised that what in my life was "normal" was in fact downright sad and I could hardly believe I'd let this happen to me.  All the things that I put down to me being depressed and paranoid about, all the stuff where I beat myself up and got downers on myself weren't to do just with me at all.  For years I'd lived in a house where everything was a put down, where any suggestion I made was subtly ignored, where there had been little love and where gradually the relationship went downhill.  It's pretty subtle and no doubt I'll write about it some more.  It was only after getting hold of the book a New Earth and realising that I was feeling pain and misery not because it was mine but because it was being meted out to me. 

After 32 years marriage and 40 years or more that I've known Mrs. F. I am leaving her and we are separating.  She doesn't want a divorce straight away and this gives us some breathing space to get some time and thought behind this decision.

It's the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do and it's been a long time until she was prepared to acknowledge it but now I've been up and told my mum and brother I'm happy to let this out now.   I'm happy, feel free and finally I've worked out why on earth I was so depressed and so miserable and it was without doubt that I was being dragged down knowing that I should have done something about this years (and I do mean years ago - like 15 or more).  I was in a position to leave 8 years ago but then got Cancer and everything changed once again and with that came hope that we would be able to rebuild and move on.

Now it all makes sense and having discussed it at length it is blindingly obvious to me what all these schemes were about.  They were attempts to make something of a hopeless situation.  Denial is one of those traits that blinds us to the "bleeding obvious" sometimes and I tried many ways to get the two of us to do things together, the B&B, the Tearooms, a business we could both share in and none of these were acceptable.  We have lived as two separate people in the house for about 18 years I reckon.  In all that time I've been working and getting the money to raise the kids and Mrs. F. has raised them - no problems with that but without going into too much detail - although if you've read this blog a lot you might notice - that there is very little support or joint stuff going on.  It's all about me.  In fact my life has been all about me because Mrs. F hasn't wanted it shared and it is not her fault but the way she lives turns out to just make my life a misery.  

So many people have said that Mrs. F. is pretty unwelcoming and not very friendly and I've noticed that recently in fact it was that which made me think about it all.  You see, when I'd come in she wouldn't acknowledge me, my friends weren't made welcome - she'd try but I've often felt it and apologised to my friends for her attitude or rolled my eyes.  It has come as "no surprise" to many of them.  She just doesn't want to do anything that I want / like to do and so anything I suggested wasn't done.  There's only so many times you can be rejected and whilst we have had this out a number of times and things change a little they soon revert back.  We are at the point now where no one comes around anymore as she can't cope or doesn't like it.  We don't get invited out (well I do).  

Anyway - I could go on for ever about all the reasons but the critical thing for me is that my girls still seem to be OK with me and whilst Mrs. F. is even more miserable than she normally is - me having made her so asking for a divorce, I feel free, alive, excited and like a huge weight has gone.  But I've got rid of my past, got rid of the worry, the concern about the future, worries about my health and it's like being a new me.  

I feel very sorry for Mrs. F. of course I do, I've spent most of my adult life with her but at the end of the day, whilst we've never argued or been at each other's throats or anything like that we have grown so far apart and I now feel sorry that she is so utterly miserable but of course she no longer has me there to dump all that misery on.  I feel I may buy her a copy of a New Earth for Christmas so she too might be able to sort herself out!  It certainly worked for me.

More (much more) later.  

Lifting The Embargo

The time rapidly approaches when I can lift the embargo and get to review what on earth has happened since June of this year.  It's been a journey I can tell you that and it hasn't finished yet indeed it may only just be starting.

I need to make some calls and do some emails and then the embargo can be lifted and I can get on with writing without beating around the bush.

I've been up to my mums for 5 days and seen my brother and his family too and that's part of the process I need to have gone through.  As usual I have come back weighed down with stuff from my mum!  My brother has lost loads of weight and his clothes are hanging off him almost.  He's lost 5 stone!  However, he now weighs 18 Stone so that gives you an idea of how he ballooned up.  He was about 18 or 19 stone last time I saw him and he just piled the weight on and got very depressed about it so I introduced him to the Low Carbohydrate, High Fat regimen and he's now 5 Stone lighter, happier, fitter, blood work is good and his blood pressure has dropped.  He is continuing on his journey and losing weight and continuing to do so.  His Doctor wants him at 11 and a half stone.  That was my "fighting" weight when I was 19 years old.  I'd be happy to get myself a further 3 stone lighter and be around 12 stone.  I think it is doable by this time next year as long as I continue to follow my LCHF lifestyle.

I was explaining to my mum the Eckhart Tolle stuff and she gets it.  It was funny but we both have similar attitudes to things like death and the past and indeed the future.  Of course, mine are more recent in terms of finally getting around to fixing my head back onto my shoulders but it was interesting to have a long time talking about the embargoed stuff, my dad who died last year was subject to some nostalgia and reminiscing but no sadness or upset as we both have the attitude that we had a great time when he was with us and remember him with great affection but we aren't all cut up and upset that he is no longer with us.  When your time is up, your time is up and that's it.  Being sad or unhappy about that doesn't do anything at all apart from make you miserable and he'd have hated that.  He didn't want monuments and certainly didn't want anyone visiting his grave or where his ashes were - he wasn't that sort of man.

So we had lots of fun looking back and discussing how things are.  The future is an interesting place but no longer holds any fears for me now.  Where before it was all planned out and mapped in my head now I have a general sense of direction and it will be what it will be and that's that.  It's so refreshing not to have the baggage of that anymore.  My new business is taking shape in my head and on documents.  I feel great and ready to leap into action but still need a few things in place.  I was adamant I wanted the business to be ready before Christmas this year to pick up some seasonal work and actually I'm now happy to get going in the New Year when I am ready and when things are properly in place to progress.  I don't need to rush I need to do this properly.

I'm glad I went to see my mum though - it should have been weeks ago but she got a nasty cold.  She's an interesting lady and whilst I disagree with her politics and some of her views on life we do agree on many things and that was good.  I really needed her views and her insight and in many ways her support.  Despite the fact I'm as old as I am I needed to go and talk to her about the major changes that have happened to me since mid June of this year.  I can't say it was easy actually getting to the heart of the matter and explaining what on earth had been going on but once I did all was OK and I've come back with my head in the right place and a renewed confidence and outlook which was just what I wanted.

Once embargo is over I guess it will all become clear.  I hope that it will be a little later today when I lift the lid on it all. 

A Long Day Out

It was a long day I left the house at 11:15 a.m and arrived back around midnight after a quite interesting day travelling to Bournemouth and seeing my old boss giving a talk to a Lodge.  I used to write some of these and also used to deliver some of them myself and so it took me back to heady days when I first started at the Charity and whilst I enjoyed it, I did find that I only enjoyed that side of it, being the "centre of attention" and selling the charity.

It was good today and nice to be driven there and back again.  Well I had to get up to London to start but that was OK.

I often wonder about getting back into the swing of things with the Trust - I'd love to be a Council member/trustee but maybe in a year or two?  I'd certainly find it worthwhile and it may help them drive into the 21st century.

But the main thing was I had a great time and I just enjoyed it, didn't get sucked into some of the conversations but fired a few starter questions off and just enjoyed the banter.  

Off to see my mother tomorrow so the blog will be neglected for a few days and I hope that when I return I can drop the embargo and let you know what the hell is happening here :-) 

Why Oh Why

The Public - they really are amazing aren't they - I've got a guy who's written War & Peace about how much I should charge him for Postage and Packing.  Frankly it is borderline as I did a deal for someone that ended costing me money and so I'm erring on the part of caution - as you do but this guys calculated out all the weights and charges.  So I shall let him sweat and luckily I am going to the Post Office in the morning so will check it out as I have another exactly the same parcel going as his.  I am away for a week so he'll get the I have to get back to  you next week so sorry but on company business called away the last minute and then I can perhaps try the one I tried before asking for their packaging instructions so I can get that right for them.  I'll do it all nicely of course but it does annoy the hell out of me that they were quite willing to buy these with the terms and conditions I dropped a fair bit off of the postage and they only want to pay the postage and not the labour, time and costs of the packaging and going up to the Post Office etc.

But I'm calm about it I will just take my time to sort it out and give him the one week delay in the morning and see where we go from there.

So, other than that - I'm getting ready to go out tomorrow up to London, then I am going to Bournemouth and getting a lift back home then on Tuesday I am going to my mother's and will probably come home on Saturday.  I hope to get some sort of work done on my computer during that time but only to conduct the endless arguing about 50p postage and packing with bargain hunters no doubt.

I am going to carry on decluttering but have to say I do find this trivial stuff annoying but then again, it can be quite fun reading the number of people who just cough up money without thinking or those that must have spent an hour trying to save a few pounds.  Had one guy tell me that I over packaged something once :-) Would have been different if it arrived broken I asked.  Never heard from him again.  Where do all these stupid people come from.

I'm Sure They Do It Just To Test Me Out

So had a conversation with a punter who wants all his lots for me to combine postage so I tell him to disregard what eBay say and let me know once he has won everything and request the price of postage from me.  So he pays the lot in one hit and then has the temerity to say that it is a bit expensive!

Well hold on, didn't you enter you credit card details into the system and then confirm payment?  
The second one of these I've had - I mean how am I supposed to second guess that if the guy pays me without asking me to the total that I'm wrong :-)  Oh well I will actually use a simple ploy and respond to his earlier email of a few days ago asking him whether he really wanted to send each item on its own or as we discussed he'd like me to send the stuff and then credit him.  But am I angry and yelling and annoyed?  Well no I'm not which is great.  3 or 4 months ago I'd have been seething about the stupidity and be spitting feathers and today, right here and now, what's the point?  It means that I'll have to go out of my way to correct it but I have a plan that will mean I can charge exactly what it will cost this way and then none of us is out of pocket.

Ho Hum :-)

Things stay much as they are with my news - I can only tell you part of it and I'd really like to say a lot more than that.  My life's really changed in the last 4 months and I'm pretty amazed at what's gone on.  Every now and then, like today, I get a tiny bit reflective and a little bit down on myself but realise that it's bound to happen and I can then make adjustments and do something about it.  At least now I have the toolkit to do something about it.  Before I could have gone off into a sulk or depression, anger or sadness and these days I just capture any reaction and turn it around.  

The future is going to be different without doubt and it is going to be fun too I'm sure.  After all why do anything that isn't fun?    

Away Next Week

I'm going to Bournemouth on Monday and then on Tuesday I am going to see my Mum which will be nice.  I'll probably spend the week there and might dig into the weekend too.  It all depends on how much stuff goes on eBay as I suddenly realised that people actually move a little slower than I'm used to so they may pay whilst I am away so I've written a holding email for them so that I can ensure that they know I will get onto posting their stuff when I return.

I see I have some from Russia and one from Australia - cool.  Let's hope they get their act together - I have a few more lots finishing tonight so I'm hoping that I can start to sort those out for Monday morning otherwise it is going to have to wait or be best endeavours  maybe Mrs. F. can do something with it?  Will have to see.

It is always going to be a problem I guess and I imagine people go away and leave stuff.  Oh well, it will be what it will be....

I'm hoping that embargo will be lifted within two weeks, gosh I hope so, it is quite restrictive having to dance around my situation :-)  

I suppose once that's sorted I can explain a bit more about what is going on and why June was a significant milestone in my life.  It isn't holding back the business or anything else at the moment and so it isn't important inasmuch as stuff is still happening and life goes on as normal.

I could do with a bit of a short break anyway - not to get my head into order, it's fine, not to destress, I don't feel stressed or anything these days.  I have to say that's a great thing - no stress, no anxiety, no claustrophobia last night either and no looking back, beating myself up about stuff, no silly impossible dreams and schemes that can never be achieved and just enjoying doing things.  Like all this packaging records - it is mundane work but you can actually put in a little effort and have some music on and just get on and do it.  Do it with a good heart or not at all as the old phrase goes and exactly so.  It needs to get done, moaning about it or doing it in bad grace just makes it unpleasant.  Doing it and gaining enjoyment from that is fine I actually do enjoy it, wandering up to the Post Office and sending them off and then enjoying a coffee at the cafe, keep it simple, keep it enjoyable.  Smile and say hello to people, cheer them up and just enjoy the moment.

I know I shouldn't gloat ...... But :-)

You may recall that a dealer came and looked at my record collection of around 1000 LPs, 10 and 7" disks.  Around 200 are pretty rare, collectors or of interest to collectors and the 800 are landfill or can fit into someone's basket somewhere I guess. 

I was offered a measly £220 which I thought was a bit low and I went back to point out some of the collection that they had overlooked including 2 White Labels some bootleg stuff and a number of picture disks.  They still weren't interested so I've decided to sell them myself.  The first 10 sold cleared the £220 mark, I'm now over double that and still have  only sold around 30 albums and singles at best.  Theres at least 140 more to go....  

Now the new me shouldn't gloat or have a big ego about it but I'd just like to blow a huge raspberry to the dealer and smile anyway even though I know I shouldn't :-)

pbbbt

 Which is how I believe it is written :-) 

Well it made me feel better anyway and I have less clutter and lots of people now have stuff they can enjoy.  Cool

Mesothelioma Cancer - Awareness

I've been contacted by Emmy and she would like help in spreading word about Mesothelioma Cancer.  Please read the note below and please share.  Thank you.  

"Hi David, thanks for getting back to me! I work as the Community Outreach Director for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Mesothelioma Awareness Day just passed and our campaign was a huge success! I am contacting bloggers like you in the cancer community to ask for help in continuing to spread awareness. Fortunately, because mesothelioma is a completely preventable cancer (caused only by asbestos exposure), knowing more about the disease and it's risk factors truly does make a difference. 

I've attached the mesothelioma facts sheet that I used for the campaign this year. I would love it if you'd be willing to share it on your blog for your community. With your support in raising more awareness, hopefully one day we can get asbestos banned once and for all."

Bank Account Opened - At Last

Finally I have the bank account open and can start to use it.  It feels like months since I tried to get it open :-)  I will at least be able to start trading soon and set up some other elements of my business.  

For reasons that will become clear later it isn't all nice a straightforward as it may seem but nothing is insurmountable.  As I was saying some days ago, things will be what they will be and will take as long as they take and that's the way of it.  I can't be doing with getting all het up from worrying about this or that was a day or a week late as I'd rather just plod on and things will happen but possibly not in the way I was thinking and I'm OK with that.  It isn't as if I need to start the business today or next week for that matter.

The freedom that comes from getting all those false milestones and dates out of my head is great.  I am though looking forward to getting started and shaking down the business.  I will just grow into the business rather than go for a big bang approach - I want to test it out and see that all the processes work and that I can achieve the right level of income and lifestyle from it.

In many ways I can see that I could get too much work so I am going to have to build slowly and carefully, the feedback I have had so far is that the work could come in in large quantities and that would give me some initial problems but again - that's not such a bad thing as long as I can cope with it.

I won't be starting the business for at least a month as there is still work to be done and lots of other stuff to be sorted out in between too.  In the interim eBay is going bonkers for all these Vinyl records I have.  I thought the dealer was "insulting my intelligence" when he offered me just £220 for the whole lot and I have about 1000 LPs and Singles.  I know at least 200 of these are collectors items but the rest are landfill.  Some of the records are going for over £20 and some over £40 - I only need to sell about 10 to hit the dealer's offer....  Enough said :-)

Decluttering is also quite liberating as this stuff has just been cluttering up my cupboards for years!  Crazy but one man's rubbish is another's treasure I suppose.  

Living In The Now - It's Quite Difficult

I found myself daydreaming this morning.  I was laying in bed and just dreaming away about all sorts of things that are totally impossible - I suppose dreams and fantasies are OK as long as you recognise them for what they are.  

It was a very pleasant set of dreams and ideas but they can never  happen and are unlikely to.  I realised that I had to wake myself up and stop myself doing this because no matter what you might think there are expectations set and these dreams are almost like real to me and that was always my problem in the past.  I can in no way achieve these things even if I really went for them and dedicated myself to trying to achieve them it would never be quite the same it certainly wouldn't happen in the same way or mean the same thing so best to put them to one side and choose not to take any more notice of them :-)

Having then got rid of thinking about the future I found myself drifting back to wanting to feel bad about something that happened to me years ago!  Again, the past is the past, it's happened and it can't be undone so another thought series was brought to a close.  So I can stop myself doing this stuff and then try and work in the now and for most of the day it was OK although I did meet a fair share of idiots on eBay today but suffered them - although one did get a one word response back :-)

The other trick to keep you in the now is to enjoy whatever you are doing.  Sounds pretty difficult I agree but actually I realised that I had to unload the dishwasher before lunch and that was OK I just thought to do it now, it will get done, there's no rush, you aren't missing anything by doing this chore and got on and did it.  It was pretty simple really and it's like many of these things these days, it will get done and it doesn't need to be rushed - what are you rushing it for other than to get onto the next thing you need to rush to do.  It's all very strange and also quite relaxing and liberating too.  I know I have lots of things to do but do you know what?  They will get done and things that need to happen will happen and it's no use worrying about them.  There's a list a mile long but it isn't going to get done any quicker with me worrying about it.  

The freedom it gives is marked and someone last night - who hadn't seen me for a while - just noticed that I was quite different - apparently I was also very amusing - probably because I'd had a beer and been cooped up for a while and was letting my hair down! Actually yesterday of course I just went out and enjoyed myself and made myself helpful and useful and delivered the talk and I just, once again, enjoyed walking there, meeting people, doing my talk, collecting the money (I'm the Treasurer) and just being part of the proceedings.  That's what it is good about being in the now - you can enjoy it for what it is and you become more alert to the things around you too.  Yes - it's very good but does take some time to get right and to maintain although I guess it gets easier as time goes on.

Went OK But....

When I joined some of the older members were my age or had even retired and where pretty sprightly and now, bless them, like my Father-In-Law feeling and looking their age.  My Father-In-Law called off and felt all of his 92 years and a bit more he said.  Another friend of mine said that he only goes out once a week now as he gets tired out, he's 84.  Another wasn't there, he's 94 and not well in Hospital with Pneumonia.  Another chap, not that old in his 70s I guess is beginning to get a sort of Dementia and is getting forgetful - I had to help him get his Regalia on.  And yet another 3 are walking wounded with leg and hip problems.

My co administrator in the Lodge was admitted to Hospital - he's had 3 lots of Chemo for Upper Tract Cancer and had a setback with a minor collapse sending him to Hospital mind you he can't be much older than me.  

It was a roll call for Emergency Ward 10 rather than a meeting but those who were there made the most of it and those who weren't there we all remembered but it dawned on me that it doesn't need much to decimate our little group and that hey, if I'm spared then in 30 years time (which is how long I've been a Freemason) I could too be having some of these ailments and be struggling to get about.  Mind you I didn't see anyone complaining and they also made the effort to get along which is good.

I know we all get old but it was certainly a sobering reminder.  I do hope I keep as well as I am at the moment - I don't have much in the way to complain about - I'm pretty fit although could be fitter I guess.  

The talk went down well so I was pleased with that and I had a nice walk there and back arriving home before midnight and it was such a pleasant night that I grabbed a glass of Red Wine and sat in the garden looking up at the stars for a short while before retiring. 

Looking Forward To This Evening

I am going to a Masonic meeting and I am giving a talk.  I was looking for something interesting to give a talk about and there was a web site where some kind soul had put up a series of talks all of differing length and subjects.  The one that took my eye is The Statue Of Liberty and Freemasonry.  The statue was the idea of French Freemasons who raised the money and their own members actually built it.  It's a good story and I'm looking forward to doing the talk tonight.

I will have to walk there and get a bus back or walk back - it's not a problem it isn't that far at all because L has left her car on the driveway blocking mine in :-)  Oh well - not a problem and I can enjoy a drink which will be good.  I also like walking there & back it gives me exercise and I can listen to my sounds and it gives me thinking time too.

I was going to book an appointment to see my Doctor but I still have some bruising on my chest from a week or so back and if they want to redo my spirometry test I imagine that won't help my cause :-)  It can wait until I get back home at the end of next week.

I'm still really quite calm and quite laid back about things.  It's great, life's good, life's not quite exciting but you know, give it time.  I was trying to think how to describe myself these days and in many ways I'm still the old me and in some ways that's good.  I carry around so much less baggage these days though - I actually feel lighter and I feel, strange as it may sound, hollow inside.  My body doesn't feel weighed down with all the nonsense I had and I've noticed that my breath is very different - it is shallower and not so rasping it isn't stress breathing it is relaxed and measured.  

I know I'm not fully in control of everything but I am able to notice when things are happening and then actually do something about them - stop myself getting angry - although the odd outburst is inevitable - I can stop it quickly and understand what it is and change it.  I can stop bad thoughts, I can stop thoughts from the past and also stop the impossible future planning dreams.  It's all good.

Will see a friend this afternoon who's had 3 lots of Chemo and Upper Tract Cancer - not sure what his prognosis is after his meeting with his Consultant last week but he is coming to the meeting which is good.    

Good Grief - 5 Stones

My kid brother, admittedly he did get quite large.  He'd been on fangled diets, weight loss pills, stuff like weight watchers.  What happens in all cases is that after you've dieted you go back to eating the stuff you used to eat and voila - bang goes on the weight again.

So I told him about changing his lifestyle (no not your diet - it implies that you can go back).  He's lost 5 stone.  His blood pressure has reduced, his blood work is good but he still needs to improve on that but he has dropped a hell of a lot - much more than I have but I suppose I was a few stone lighter than him well - quite a few stone lighter.  Anyway, he feels good, his health is good and the Doctor is happy with him.  If he keeps to this Low Carbohydrate High Fat diet he should continue to lose weight.  Me?  I'm still 3 1/2 stone lighter but again just hovering around the 15 stone mark - it's big but then I'm close to 6 foot and I'm pretty big anyway - you wouldn't want to run into me... :-)

I reckon I can lose about another 2 stone if not 3 and that should be it but like everything these days - it will happen and it will take time, no need to worry about it, force it or change diet.  That's the thing - stick at it and keep the faith it will happen and the weight loss will start again.  This week I've had two days where I couldn't really avoid carbs but I haven't gained any weight even though I've had some.  I think I've got to the point where the major loss has occurred and I'm happy with the odd carb here and there and I'm not going to live like a Hermit and if I happen to be out and there's a nice bit of cake on offer.... Well, why not.

So great news for my kid brother though and he feels and sounds great and the Doctors are happy so I'm really pleased because he was getting really depressed that he couldn't keep the weight off.  He is neither tired or irritable either because he is feeling full and not getting the carb and sugar problems he used to have.  Always feeling hungry, energy loss and so on.

That's The Cloakroom Finished what's next?

Ouch I do ache a bit - knew I would as having to fit tight fitting pipes together and using plenty of brute force to seat them in a cramped room are bound to put strains on places I didn't even know I had until they ached this morning.

At least that is now done and I'm reasonably happy with the results but how on earth could the plumber have left it in that state in the first place!  Naughty.

So I'm looking at what to do next.  There's bound to be something else on the list - there always is.  I think I will take myself off to see my mum later this week perhaps for the weekend - I have lots of stuff going on but do need to go and see her - whilst we speak frequently I haven't seen her since around April or May when she came down here.

It's funny that today I'm having a slightly off day - nothing major just getting some grief from my head that I really don't need - it's Ego and Pain Body sort of stuff that's just noise and I'm dealing with it.  It's distracting more than anything and I'm having wee flashbacks and prods about stuff that happened years back and of course, this stuff is just that, in the past.  It makes me smile as there's lots of what ifs happening.  What if this had happened or that had occurred and so on.  Well of course they didn't happen and I'm here so what purpose is it even thinking about it other than to depress, upset or confuse me?  

I am certain that there will be days like this and days where the past wants to come in and haunt me.  The trick is, of course, to identify what is going on and then rationalise it and deal with it.  In the not too distant future I'm going to get quite a lot of this - once we are out of embargo - I'm sure.  Whether it will be from people judging me, living up to the consequences of my actions or perhaps facing the future.  In many ways I only have to properly deal with the middle of the three.  It's my actions and the consequences that are my concern but once done - that's it, that decision (or decisions) is now in the past.  If other people want to judge me then that's up to them and the future hasn't happened so no need to worry or concern myself about that.

It still makes me laugh that people worry about me.  I mean what useful purpose is worrying about someone else?  People worry that I'm getting depressed, that I've changed, that I'm not the person they used to know.  I suppose we just have to accept this is the way people are.  

"I'm worried he isn't eating enough" well get a bag of shopping and drop in and see him.  That's practical and shows a different sort of concern surely?  Just worrying isn't going to fix anything and will probably make the worrier ill anyway :-)  Crazy but I used to do it.....

Who else saw that?

Not sure I should have gone to the party this evening but did anyway.   Arriving home late, I stuck on my MP3 player and grabbed a glass of wine and headed into the garden.  The stars were great, still spoilt by London's light pollution but still a wonderful sight to behold.

I saw 5 shooting stars and wondered, who else, this evening witnessed those same shooting stars?  Who else looked up and saw their headlong plunge into Earth's atmosphere?  After Billions of years, travelling across the Universe who else was there to see their change of form from a meteorite into something else?  After all that time who was there to witness the end of their incredible journey and the start of their next one? 

I enjoyed standing there looking at the enormity of it all - the awesomeness of the space and distances involved and every time a meteorite left it's trail of white across the sky I smiled a knowing smile and just acknowledged the journey of a billion years I had just seen.