Oh - it's a year today that we had Dad's Funeral

I realised that I was watching two films that I'd watched the night my dad died:

Koyaanisqatsi and Field of Dreams and that I was a bit of a mess in the last one.  It always "gets me" does Field of Dreams. It's a bit like the Shawshank Redemption in many ways and somehow it's like sticking peeled onions under my eyes :-)

It's a year ago since Dad's funeral and I guess that hasn't helped either but both films took on their other meanings tonight which is of hope and so I'm sort of OK that I watched them.

Later today I'm meeting up with my cousin from the US who is over here for a short while. I haven't seen him for about 22 years or so I guess.  It will be nice to catch up.  My daughter L is running in memory of her granddad in Race For Life at Hyde Park tomorrow.

I thought, as it's the anniversary of Dad's funeral - I'd just replay the words I said that day:

"Good morning and thank you for coming to support us today.  We hope that you will also be able to join us afterwards at the Crown Hotel 

Before I talk about Dad, both Mum and I wish to take this opportunity to thank T and S for their invaluable support.  They've been available at a moments notice around the clock when dad has needed attention at home.  They have provided mum with transport to and from the Hospital, which is a long way from the house, over many weeks, and on more times than we would have liked.  They've shared some of the most traumatic moments of this past year and have been by mum’s side supporting her during each and every one of them.  

T and S - Thank you for being there for mum and for dad.  We hope that you can now take a well earned break and not be on edge all the time waiting and wondering what the next phone call will bring.

I know that It goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, that mum, throughout dad’s illness, has been with him every step of this roller coaster journey and she has been at his side throughout and I know that dad appreciated that you were there being a loving and familiar face in scary, unfamiliar and sometimes unpleasant or bewildering surroundings.  Thank you for caring for dad the way you have and for being there for him.  I know that you would have had it no other way but we thank you nonetheless for that.

So what can we say about Dad?  You can't sum a life up in 5 minutes and I don’t intend to do so but perhaps I can just give you a flavour of what he was like and just a few reflections on what life could be like in the "F" household.  

Dad was a very private and in some ways enigmatic man, I doubt many of us TRULY knew him fully.  He worked hard, he had an encyclopaedic mind and was quick witted.  He was a very practical man a shrewd and intelligent business man.  He travelled extensively throughout the Middle East and the rest of the world and was lucky to escape from the Lebanon when the crisis kicked off there back in the late 70s and early 80s.  

Dad loved gardening as T and I can testify having been “encouraged” to help turn over and then double dig the clay sodden ground of the appropriately named Claywood Close, in Orpington when we moved there from London in 1967.  It was there that T and I hit, with a resounding and echoing thud, what we thought - with our over active young minds - must and could only have been a second world war bomb buried in the mud and it was dad who carefully checked and found it to be the submerged trunk of a large tree ploughed into the ground by the builders.  

We also spent many days creosoting the enormous fence around the garden for pocket money something that would have Health and Safety people going bonkers today. There was no minimum wage in 1967 but knowing mum and dad we probably got paid over the odds and it supplemented our pocket money very nicely indeed.

Once finished, Claywood Close was an amazing riot of colour and had a huge vegetable plot and mum and dad produced one of many amazing gardens there and in fact all their subsequent houses.  It was one of dad’s great joys and the floral arrangement on his coffin reflects his great love of flowers and of their wonderful colours.  He knew all the Latin names of the flowers, shrubs and trees and where they’d thrive best and his vegetables were amazing, it was like having your own Geoff Hamilton or Alan Titchmarsh in the house.  
T and I probably didn’t get the health benefits of all those home grown vegetables.  Back then T and I thought a packet of Rowntrees fruit pastilles would deliver your 5 a day and we probably still think that today.

Dad was a great lover of music and we have tried to reflect some of that today but with such varied artists as Queen (one of his favourites), the Rolling Stones, Status Quo, Country and Western and Traditional Jazz in dad’s collection to choose from it proved difficult.  We hope you enjoy the choices and that he would to.  I was going to explain, but you can ask us later, why we had the Acker Bilk songs.

The house was a happy musical place, although I’m not sure that all of T’s and my music choices were always fully appreciated.  If the music got too loud and we didn’t turn it down when asked, dad would pull the fuse out and all the power would go off to our bedrooms rendering our record players useless.

Together with my Trumpet, dad’s and my electric guitars, T’s drum kit and dad’s keyboard we must have been great neighbours to live next door to when we got together to make music (well we called it music).  

It’s not a widely known fact but my dad was the greatest cricketer in the world, he was also the best footballer, the fastest runner and the best table tennis player or at least he was in our back garden.  To us he was Freddie Truman, Brian Close, Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton and Gordon Banks all rolled into one and as every child knows, their dad is a superhero, indestructible and totally brilliant at absolutely everything.  

We learnt how to trap and strike a football, how to bowl an off break, why you polished the cricket ball on one side, how to play a forward defensive stroke, bowl a googly or thrash a loose ball to the boundary.  He was a demon at Table Tennis too and had a table tennis trophy to prove it.  He even built us a table tennis table which saw plenty of action. 

He played a mean game of cards and a shrewd hand of dominos too and like his dad, my granddad, he wasn’t averse to dropping a biffer in every now and then, you have to watch out for those "F's" I can tell you!

Not only in the field of sports was he proficient he also taught us woodwork, how to saw straight “let the tool do the work” he would say, how to hang wallpaper, paint, lay bricks, plaster, and he taught us electrics and plumbing too. 

Dad loved doing crosswords; he enjoyed Science Fiction books and got great pleasure from modern technology and what science could now do.  Often he would reflect on how things he had read about as a young man had come true especially Rockets and landing men on the moon, computers, mobile phones, medical advances and the like.  Dad was always well read and could talk to you on almost any subject you wanted to bring up.

Dad had a keen and shall we say “well developed” sense of humour.  We call it the "F" sense of humour, it can be pretty dark, it can be downright stupid and it can be witheringly funny too.  Even just a few weeks ago, when a nurse asked if she could take his blood pressure he said, as long as you bring it back again afterwards!  His sense of humour and stoicism and dare I say bravery saw him through these past difficult months.  He battled on and whilst there were some pretty bad days he kept courteous and polite and he tried to bring his humour to bear throughout. 

Always the joker, on one occasion he kept other patients amused by holding up two urinal bottles to either side of his head looking like an over sized Shrek character.  His final admission to hospital was due to a fall and even that became known as Dad’s “Del boy moment” as he crashed through the door of the bathroom.  He managed a wry smile when we told him that one.  

Dad adored the humour and sometimes silliness of films and shows like Airplane, Only Fools and Horses and Dad’s Army as well as comedians like Tommy Cooper, Eric Sykes, the Two Ronnies, and of course Morecambe and Wise.  We’d be watching these with him rolling around with laughter and it was even funnier if mum didn’t get the joke or see the funny side as that would make us laugh even harder.  It’s fair to say that we had lots of fun growing up with mum and dad.

It could only be him who on one occasion sent his sons off to the playing fields looking for Sheep’s feathers.  It kept us happy for hours and hours until we finally twigged what was going on.

As I said earlier, Dad enjoyed Cross words and puzzles of all kinds – he could normally complete the Telegraph crossword in around 10 minutes – it would take me that long to get just one answer – in fact it still does.  He was brilliant at doing things on Countdown and programmes like University Challenge.

He used to ‘wind up’ some of our fellow commuters on the train.  Sometimes, when the crossword was particularly difficult, he would make a large gesture of folding his newspaper early on in the journey and looking at the city gents struggling to fill in theirs, he would sit back and say “that was an easy one this morning” and smile.  

He was a bit of a rascal too as he would get us to arrive early at the station and he would sit in someone’s regular seat.  They’d spend the journey up to London rattling their newspapers at him or mumbling things like “I say Gerald, isn't that chap in your seat?”  T and I had difficulty keeping a straight face on these occasions and would set each other off trying not to laugh.  

On other occasions he would throw his voice and make cat meowing noises whilst people would be looking around searching for the poor non existent creature.

Dad used to drive mum to distraction sometimes with his japes getting an “Ern, get away with you!” or something like that.  Life was never dull in the "F" household.  He’d drive the car on the white line of the road when there were no other cars around to get mum to tell him to “Ern, get off the cats eyes”.  He’d carry on doing it to see just how far he’d get before getting a bash on his arm.  T and I would be scorned not to encourage him but that was part of the fun of going out on an expedition in the car and dad was always up for a laugh.

Dad was a man of promptness and celerity he would hate to be late and by now he’d be looking at his watch, shuffling his feet, lifting his eyebrows and rolling his eyes at me for making a long speech and he’d be horrified that I was saying nice things about him so I’ll end with this.

We remember Ernie, our dad, with a great deal of affection and with enormous pride.  We are very fortunate that he and mum were together for 56 years and we are grateful for their love and the solid family home and foundation they built for us.  He was a great dad, a fabulous granddad, a funny and a generous man and above all he was a really nice bloke and we will miss him dearly.

“So Long Dad” 
Be good 
Oh yes - And if you can’t be good, be careful."

Nuff said

Taking things slowly

I want my whole life to change now, tomorrow, straight away.  I want to wake up and have a clean slate, a new piece of paper and just remember (but not regret) everything that has happened before so that I no longer make the same mistakes or travel the wrong paths again.

Valhalla right?  Well of course it is - it just isn't possible to stop the world, I want to get off.  And then again, is it?  

I doubt any of us would not want to wind back the past, do things differently but we are here because we did those things.  It goes something along these lines:

Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.

I was watching a programme tonight about albums and single and how in the 70s they were king of the music business and what they meant to someone - of my age - growing up around that time.  I had a horrifying thought that from the late 70s to now had all been a mistake, that I'd missed something fundamental out of my life.  I hadn't had a drink by then either.  What it was, was indeed quite profound in my mind and that was that they played some music of the 70s and More Than  A Feeling buy Boston rang out.  I had my first senior job, was a junior manager, drove into London each day in a pretty new car with an 8 track and a cassette player and used to have that song blaring out in the car.  Life was brilliant around that time.  Crazy girlfriend, crazy working, late hours, regular concerts and parties, great clothes, I was as fit as a Butcher's Dog, had loads of hair and hardly any cares in the world.   

I suddenly yearned to wind back the clock again to that simpler age where music provided the soundtrack, where there were no responsibilities and we just enjoyed life.  Of course, that's not possible to recreate it even if you wanted to but the essence of that time, the underlying principles would be a start.  Today my life doesn't have any soundtrack to it.  There isn't that carefree life even though my children are grown up and no longer a responsibility as such.  Things are secured, there's no need to be living in a who finishes first race to the grave and yet strangely that's how I kind of see things these days.  Where's all the fun gone?  Where's having a life gone? Why is everything such a chore and so difficult?

That's part of the reason I'm breaking out of the prison of my mind and going out and seeking getting a life or getting my old one back or reinventing myself.  It seems completely bonkers to just be breathing air and consuming resources unless you actually go and do something with them.

I rejoiced in a couple of things yesterday - one was that I saw a Nuthatch (A Tree Creeper) bird which is very distinctive on the tree outside my window, I saw some Jays come over to the tree and grab some Mistletoe berries, Cycled past the local Church and as I got to the Lych Gate the sun was shining down the tree arched lane towards the church and the light was amazing.  It's progress for me to see such things, it's lovely, it's charming and it's a place I want to go to.  If not, what was the point of surviving if not to rejoice in what we have, what is around us and to start to live a little rather than to remain a prisoner of my mind and body and my house and my office?

It isn't going to happen overnight, I wish it would all be different tomorrow.  It will happen in it's own good time at a speed that is appropriate (I hope) for me.  It's hardly been 4 weeks and so progress is amazingly good yet also it could be said to be slow as well.  I've just got to keep the faith, keep plugging away, hold on to my dreams and go for it.  I just need to remember to keep things slowly and steadily and not to be impatient!  

Well I think it is working now

Whilst it has been a struggle to endeavour to change my life, I can see some green shoots and some changes happening to me.  It's painfully slow of course but I'm getting there even if it is in short bursts.  Grabbed a coffee with Flocky Bicep this morning at my local coffee shop.  A great friend to talk to, a real mate and is helping me very much to drag my sorry arse out of the place I've been in the last 6 or 7 years.  

It is always going to be a struggle when you are trying to change your life and your attitude and your whole being is trying to fight the changes you have imposed.  It's a comfortable but not a nice place and so I don't want to stay where I was up until a few weeks ago.  I have no idea where it is all leading - I only hope that I don't find I hate where I get to more than where I've come from.  Some say it is the journey not the destination so perhaps there is no destination in the future just a direction to continue along.  It's getting away from the material and the now and heading off to the non material and embracing the uncertainties and emotions of life I need to aspire to.  To let it happen and stop trying to somehow control it and try and bend nature and everyone around me to do my bidding.  

It is hard hard work to let go, to take that step off.  I always recollect starting my first business and the worst part was that first step off into the unknown in the hope that your foot landed on something solid but realising it was like an uneven staircase in the dark, you were just never certain how steep that next step was whether it would bring you up short and jar your leg or would be a longer drop than you expected.  That's what life is like, I've just got to get used to it that's all.  Learn to embrace it.  Vive La Difference... 

One in the morning

Internet is playing up, still a few sips of red wine left in my glass.  Today has been a good day.  I finally got to escape from my head for a short while and spent 45 minutes just not even thinking about my head, analysis - nothing in fact - just enjoying some company, a blue sky, a tranquil position in a quiet country garden and all that work paid off - even for that short while.  I wasn't calculating anything at all, not thinking about anything other than enjoyment and pleasure.  

Managed to cycle there and back too and felt even better for doing that as well.

A good day, a small turning point but nevertheless significant.  Here's to more small steps to returning to the human race in time :-)

Obesity - A Disease? Think Again

You can often think that the stuff on Dr. Mercola is slightly alarmist this article should convince you otherwise - the more I read and investigate this the worse it looks.  Have a read and see what you think?

I've already said that it appears strange to me that the cause of a problem are not addressed rather that we invent drugs (further non natural things) to combat a "disease" that we don't actually have in the first place if we ate properly and not to some fictitious and self interest driven agenda.  

There's not a lot of money to be made if we all ate like humans should. Rates of obesity, diabetes, heart problems and some cancers could all be reduced.  It's pretty obvious that there's money to be made from millions of unhealthy people.  Our hospitals and health systems are overloaded with these problems and yet a simple change of lifestyle and diet could save us billions of pounds.  Strewth I'm was over 3 1/2 stones lighter in 6 months - that's the bottom line. It never dawned on me that the food pyramid I was following, the 5 a day ethic and all the other food advice given were just sticking the weight on me. 

As soon as I changed my diet the pounds dropped off me and whilst things have slowed the trend is still downwards.  It's a big concern that all these sugary drinks, potato snacks and cakes, flour, potatoes, pastas and bread are just thumping the weight on to people and building up the very real possibility of becoming diabetic, obese, prone to heart disease and the like.  

And It Got Me Thinking

Yes - I know - what are the chances of that?  :-)  Every chance of course!

Watching the programme last night about becoming less anxious, less inside your own head, less analytical and to grow out of it and it really is beginning to feel as if that is happening.  I can't tell you how difficult it actually is though.  It is a continual struggle to stop yourself going back to where you were.  It's easy to fall back into the habits of a lifetime and go to that "happy place" in your head except it isn't a happy place at all, it's insular, it's self injuring, it's poisonous sometimes eating away at you, it's lonely and yet it is also comfortable and self fulfilling, familiar and my bolt hole from reality.  It's where I do all my thinking and planning, it's also where I mentally "self-harm" myself where I beat myself up, where my darkest thoughts gang up on me and so it isn't all that nice either.

I wonder if I struggle with mental health problems but I don't think so, I certainly have never felt that I have.  I do suffer from massive introversion and with the processing power of my brain - more so when it isn't doing anything other than looking at itself - it leaves me open to attack myself and if you've read this blog you know how bad that can be.  I have no doubt that I've had depression of some sort and that I have pretty low self esteem and low confidence levels although if you met me face-to-face you'd probably find that hard to believe, I'm pretty good on the outside just a little bit rotten on the inside. 

The Hippocampus region of the brain and it's there that some of the stress that cancer caused appears to have screwed around with my head was mentioned last night - a little too much to go through here.  I was thinking about how I've taken a long time to get to a position of taking a bit of control and to stop living in this spiral of introverted inward gazing, self mocking post cancer life that just didn't allow me to build away from what had happened.  How I envy some of the patients I met who took this all in their stride and cancer surgery was like popping down to Sainsburys for them.  They turned up, had their operation and went straight back to their lives.

Me?  It affected me pretty deeply and profoundly as mortality was presented to me right before my eyes.  I wanted to know all about it, how to cure it, prognosis, mathematical equations, odds and potential life expectancy.  To me, I needed to understand all this.  Not sure that it would be everyone's ideal.  

Let's leave the operations, treatments, side effects and physicals to one side apart from to say that these are challenging in their own right.  Apart from here in the blog and on the odd occasions when I did feel like sh1te, I hid that lot - no need to upset anyone else is there?  I struggled more with the mental side.

After all these years and quite suddenly it dawned on me that if I was to get out of here, get out of my mind - without the use of mind bending drugs that is! :-) - I needed to let go of how I live now (well then) and to start to live my life through a more emotionally driven way rather than the theory  plann, manage and direct way I have all my adult life.  To me it is a terrifying place to go because it does mean I don't have that control, it is also liberating and exciting and makes me feel alive as well.  It's only been three weeks and it's been anything but straightforward and it certainly hasn't been easy but I do have a couple of very close friends who are helping me through this transition.  I'm so glad that they are there because I struggle with it but I'll not be beaten.  

I'd say that my self esteem and self belief have improved, I feel good most of the time, I actually stand and walk tall when I'm out, I can feel that.  I do get attacks of confidence and doubt but I am dealing with those.  It feels like I'm struggling to shed off an old skin and emerge anew.  It isn't all happening at once that's impossible but day by day I am getting more confident, have a much better can do attitude and slowly the procrastination that has dogged me for so very long is beginning to melt away.  

Life's got good at last - life's also got frightening and big and time is going fast and slow and I feel great and worried :-) It's brilliant, it's all rather new, it's all rather scary and yet wonderful too.  I've a long way to go to change my head and to climb out of the cr@p place I've been for so long.  I've the opportunity to grasp it, I have good friends who are there to support me too.

The climb away from Depression is a long one but I've made a great start, my mind is now open to new possibilities and gradually I'm being pulled out of the prehensile strands that hold me back and of the shadows of my mind that aren't there to help but to wound me.  

What are the chances that there would be a programme on it

The BBC aired a programme tonight  it was all about being pessimistic and optimistic but it went a bit deeper than that.  Michael Mosley, who I have a lot of time for having seen some of his other programmes can't sleep well, has an over active mind, has a pessimistic view of the world and so on.  

Bang, I related straight away to what he said and could see myself in just about every step he took.  There's some interesting stuff in the programme and in the article in the link.

It's enough to say that he is taking a very similar journey to me - it's just I'm not using meditation and CBR to do it like he did.  The good thing is that it can be achieved and I almost could shout out aloud when he mentioned the hippocampus region which I was certain took a complete pounding in the treatment and the sort of post traumatic stress part of getting over cancer.

See what you make of the article.  For me it was interesting that they can change outcomes and you can train yourself to be more optimistic and positive.  Just what I'm doing at the moment although not in the same way.  At least I know it is now possible.

Progress

Small steps one foot in front of the other.  I needed to get on and sort some things out.  I managed to really get cracking and finished early this afternoon.  It's been a gas and finally, finally, I've sort of freed myself away from these invisible hands which were dragging back downwards.  Of course all isn't clear right now but I'm  I'm getting there and not having the black moments that have interspersed the last few weeks.

It is nice to be free of these periods of doubt and as I think it may be grieving or mourning.  I suggested that I never really did grieve or mourn for being ill or what it did for my life.  Looking back I've never really recovered from bladder cancer.  I'm not back to the place I was before I was ill.  Interestingly I don't think I want to be either now, in retrospect.  I now want something very different indeed.

I thought I wanted my old life back, it was pretty good, money was OK, life was OK, I had my work to keep me busy and out and about, I worked around Europe and the UK and we had a good enough life, I got my dream job and BAM Bladder Cancer exploded onto the scene and that was it, life got interesting.

I suggested that the only person who was truly affected and altered was me.  No one else was and I wouldn't ever want them to be but the outcome is of course that when you've all travelled through the trauma and the treatment and the recovery you all arrive at the same place at very very different times and unfortunately the person who started the journey isn't the person who finished it.  That person is me, I am nothing like that person.  I'm sure my friends recognise me still but there is a very different person there now. 

What it leaves is an awkward truth, physically I look the same (a bit thinner maybe), but mentally I'm scarred, damaged goods as I often tell people :-) I'm not the same as I was 7 years ago.  I'm very very different and even more so recently.  It's taken me a very long time to get out of where I was and to realise how I was trapped in my own mind and my own rhetoric.  All along I've really known the answer and was even making reference to collateral damage early on in the saga.   I have no idea how it will end but the thing is to let it happen now as it will and to stop suppressing my life in the meantime.  I made a rod for my own back in some ways - now I'm going to please myself and start to live my life.  After 6 or 7 years I've got some catching up to do no matter how frightening it is to me and no matter in some ways the damage that may happen as a consequence.  

Close Friends

They're a blessing aren't they.  They don't care how paranoid you are they pick you up, dust you down and set you on your way again.  Hopefully I do that for them too.  I've been having a really difficult time of it recently because I don't actually know how to cope without all my defence mechanisms in place and all my fail safes.  Where I go when I can't cope with the world or my situation or life is into myself, I retreat into my head and I used to be OK with that.

My head though is these days a not so good place to be as a few Monday's back will testify.  It is full of conflict and that's because I don't really speak to anyone in depth about the innermost stuff that's gone on, even this blog doesn't go into the depths of the stuff that can fester inside my overactive head.  Hence this whole change in me these past 3 weeks (yes that's all it is).  It has been unbelievably releasing and inducing great freedom of thought but precious little action.  I've explored letting my emotions loose and keeping my analytical self as far in the background as possible and its been brilliant and its been hell, ups and downs, highs and atrocious lows.  

The problem has been an almost overload of things happening to me that have been suppressed most of my life, strong emotional things just normal stuff to many I suppose but to an INTJ this stuff is just way off beam - it doesn't even come into the normal day to day experiences.  It's like standing on a breakwater during a storm, watching lightning and thunder flash and crash around you, the Aurora Borealis overhead, the reflection of a calm sea, the stars in the firmament and so many experiences all suddenly unleashed and thrown at me in a few weeks.  It's almost as if I haven't lived all these years.  I know that's not true but that is what it feels like.

I said many many times in this blog that I never really celebrated life and living and never really shouted about being clear or having survived.  I questioned WHY had I been spared, what was the plan and what was I going to do with this great gift?  

The very first thing is to start living and so it has proved, these past three weeks I have put in place all the steps to do that but - someone superglued my running shoes to the starting blocks.   Most probably my head - it doesn't approve of being frivolous or having fun too much it doesn't understand that concept and it doesn't compute in the rational world built inside my brain. Stuff has to make sense.  If it doesn't make sense it is discarded.  It can never see that sometimes it is what if, why the hell not, for the crack, for the rush, for the danger, for the thrill, for the beat of your heart, for the spectacle, for the experience itself, for the emotion for the love of it.

Today finally dawned after a chat last night with a very close friend and things were different for two reasons.  First another friend had sad news - he has upper GI Cancer he doesn't want to talk to anyone - so I've suggested he write emails to me and I've given him some words of mine.  This is particularly sad to me this morning but it suddenly spurred me on to then think about my own situation a bit more.  I had this chat last night and I realised that my friends are going to help me more than I thought they would.  They are on my side and they want me to pull out of this long period of mourning for myself and get the hell out of those bad places and into somewhere new and wonderful.  I said something wonderful is about to happen a few weeks back well it has or is happening now.

Today the gloom lifted a little and some of the mourning and grieving for the old me moved away.  My friend has cancer - I know exactly what that is like, I know the agonies that he is going through, the utter mental anguish and the fear and terror for that is what goes on inside.  Look at photos of me 6 years ago and you can see a drawn face, grey pallor and in my eyes you can see fear, terror and it is disturbing for me to go and look at those photos because I look sick.  It would be unfair on my friend or all other sufferers to survive and not somehow deliver on a covenant we probably all made at one time "If I survive this I'm going to........." (just add in whatever it should be).  Somehow I have an obligation to those who didn't survive to go and make more of my life and do something useful with it. 

For me I thought that meant go build something, go help someone and I worked at the Charity, I worked on big social ideas and ended up here wondering what the hell do I need to do?  I finally realised sometime ago that whilst it would be nice to have stuff and things, material things, money to go do great things or just to spend that in fact, there are very few material things that I have that I can't do without.  I like a few things but the remainder no longer mean anything to me. If I take Maslow's hierarchy of needs and suddenly, whilst it is a somewhat simple explanation, it sums up where I am.  If I can have these things then why should I want any others?  

I'm not saying that I've suddenly made a huge step overnight but I've got over the grieving for changing my life albeit in a little way.  Whilst it is great being an INTJ, an "intellectual" or a "Scientist" in terms of being alive, they don't come close.  Achieving a higher intellectual plateau is an interesting thing to achieve but surely not at the cost of your life, your experiences, love, happiness and just enjoying life for the sake of it.

I've already made the choice and hadn't realised it was going to be so difficult for me.  I'm blessed with some wonderful friends who I know are rooting for me to climb out of the huge rut I was in and emerge blinking into the light of the day.  Today is a small small step in that process but finally I don't feel so full of dread as I have these past weeks.  Today it feels right and I'm beginning to make some progress towards living my life once again.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Thank you Mark Twain.  Absolutely right - changing me has been a bloody nightmare and the biggest problem I've got now is I have no concentration and have to force myself to stop dreaming and just get on and so some work.  Easier said than done as opposed to antidisestablishmentarianism which is of course easy to do than say :-)

Freeing up my whole personality has taken such hard work to do, I can't believe how difficult it is and of course it is difficult because it flies in the face of who and what I am.  I have to say that I feel alive and feel a little better about myself - I'm working hard on beginning to like myself.  All of that is the upside, feeling good, great in fact.  But trying at the moment to sit down in this stifling hot oppressive humid heat is hard enough work as it is without my head not wanting to conform and do what I want it to do.

I suppose I've just got to plug away at this and just get myself into some sort of discipline to achieve the tasks I've set myself.  I've probably been working so hard at being the new me that this lot can all go to hell in a handcart :-)  But I need to do my tasks as well.  Maybe tomorrow I can just get a good day at it.  Such a hard thing to do though.

Maybe I should see if I can call a cease fire between my brain and my heart?  That might work! :-)

If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

How we laughed when we saw this in my days as a consultant.  There were plenty of these types of jokes going around and yet, as in these things, there's a modicom of truth in them.

I was thinking the other day about the Low Carb, High Fat diet or maybe I should say lifestyle?  It occurred to me that since the 1970s the world has seen a massive increase in obesity and diabetes and other diseases.  Is it that we are living too long?  Is it that we can detect these things better?  Or is it that our diet is wrong?  There's huge Bucks to me made selling heart tablets, Statins, Insulin kits and Insulin, tablets to help with Obesity and everything else but, in reality, if it was down to our diet and people knew that, they'd be yelling from the rooftops that this is the way to go, wouldn't they?

Add to this the cheapness of carbohydrates and their nature to be let's call it addictive shall we?  And now you have two interested classes both vying to feed and cure the masses.  Surely there can be no vested interest here?

All the above is written in my most cynical style because it is just so wrong.  I was in the Post Office earlier today and looked over the shelves, there were the sweets (candy) all lined up - not one thing nutritious in any of it I reckon.  On the grocery side there was bread, milk, cakes, processed foods like pies and the like.  We can go and pick up stuff that we are told is healthy and then be surprised as the weight piles on relentlessly.  It's so annoying to eat what we are told we should, for a "balanced" diet and find out that we still can't lose weight.  In many ways, the vast majority of people are ignorant to the basic facts out there.  

Stick to a low carbohydrate, high fat diet and things start to happen to your body.  After the first week it gets easier.  I've just gone into a slightly more high fat approach and already it is beginning to move my weight off after it having stalled ever so slightly.  Mind you I had 3 cheat days last week!  I'm planning on limiting cheat day to not have so much and also to just have the odd thing - like Strawberries or a beer (liquid bread).  I don't miss carbohydrates at all neither do I miss the 3 1/2 stone that I've lost nor indeed the next 2 or 3 stone after that.  Once you get back into some sort of shape, you find that you feel good, you look good, you are a lot fitter and you can begin, as is my case, to begin to rebuild some confidence and self esteem.

A Test that can Smell Bladder Cancer

This looks to be something useful for the future.  Link Here.

"Bladder cancer can now be detected long before symptoms develop - after scientists created a device that can smell the disease.
Responding to chemicals in a patient’s urine, the sensor is able to give an accurate diagnosis within 30 minutes.  Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2358366/The-test-smell-bladder-cancer-long-symptoms-develop-100-accurate."

Let's hope this helps detect it, I'm so glad that mine was detected reasonably early.  

It's Complicated

So the Facebook status says and it isn't wrong at all.  It is complicated - my whole life is a mashup of things at the moment and whilst I am happy to be all messed up it really doesn't help me getting things done.  

Life is going to get even more complicated I'm sure in the coming months and years.  Well Vive Le DIfference is all I can say, bring it on and let's see where it takes me.  Feel the roller coaster has already spun me around and is making me feel a little queasy inside but that's part of the fun of living I guess, needs to be some ups and downs and some danger...

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Diet Progress

I've entered a slightly new phase in my diet and it has made me strangely a little light headed.  My blood pressure is nice and on target but it hasn't been this low all the time I've been taking readings.  My blood glucose levels are also good - not as low as I'd like but low enough and I'm beginning to see some results and the weight is starting to fall away again which is good.  The exercise I'm doing (not in this 30 degree heat though) is I think adding nicely to the mix.  It isn't the main thing making me lose weight but I like to think it is helping me along.

Today, after yesterday's Wimbledon party here I haven't actually eaten anything since about 6 or 7 O'clock last night and it's coming up to lunchtime here.  I don't actually feel hungry at all.  My energy levels are good.  One of the girls commented yesterday that she reckoned she could see that I'd lost loads of weight.

It's all good stuff and I'm really enjoying the diet but not so much this light headed bit - I need to make an appointment to see my GP and get my Blood Pressure reviewed.  I doubt they would drop the medication this time but who knows in 6 months or a year perhaps we might be able to.  It is a problem with the diet because it does bring down your BP and so medications like I'm  on take it down too low after that.  

I'm not sure if I should have a target weight still - people keep asking.  I just reckon I'll keep dropping the weight off until I get somewhere steady.  It says that I should be around 166 pounds or 11.8571 stone.  

I think I was 11 1/2 stone when I was about 19 and about my fittest I'd be pleased if I could get near there.  I'd need to lose around another 3 stone to get near.  I think that is doable.

Communication

It can be a make or break thing and it's key to the work I've done over the years.  I like to think that I'm a good communicator - it is my  job after all said and done and yet, it's exactly this that I'm noticing now.

I can talk to only a very few people about my real inner most thoughts and what is going on with me.  This blog gets edited highlights and sometimes the grizzly crappy reality that my life can sometimes be like.  

In many ways - I see my future as being one of more open and constructive communication and the "new me" clearly needs it as it is hellishly difficult to maintain direction like this.

I've realised that it's a major past failing that communication hasn't always existed the way I'd like it to have.

Late Nights - Early Mornings

Doing a lot of that at the moment - up late, listening to music, working out where I'm going and just generally thinking stuff through and working things out in my head.  I'm trying to be careful not to do the analysis stuff too much, I can't help myself you know, it's what I am.

So far I'm not feeling too many side effects from it, not even tired really although I could do with giving my brain a rest on occasions as I am overloading that still.

Today is a wonderful day - very hot and a tiny bit too humid but hey it's the UK and so we have to make do with what we get.  Wimbledon weekend which will be good and Mrs. F. has decided to invite the holiday gang over for Wimbledon and for some food - most probably a BBQ which will be nice so I will have cheat day tomorrow mainly in terms of beer but if they happen to get some nice bread I may grab some with some Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar - sweet!  Hope I'm not turning in to Peter Griffin :-) yea you'd like that wouldn't you? :-)

Am a lot better today, have managed to tackle my emotions early on and relax today - have been on edge for a few days and no real reason to be.  Mind you I never ever want to have a day like Monday ever again.  Think that shook me quite badly as I really wasn't expecting it - I was expecting something on Wednesday the anniversary of my dad's death but no Monday was when the Tsunami hit me.  

So, moving on, as that is all you can do.  Today is a really good day, for one I got paid some money on account for some work I'm doing.  That's great and can finally start to re-build some sort of business life.  Secondly I need a spark and a kick up the arse to get going.  I'm just not moving things on as fast as I know I can do so I am going to make a concerted effort to do something about this next week.  In many ways, I've been holding back and not letting myself move forwards.  Things have changed and whilst life is a lot more complicated - that's actually what I want.  What I can do though from here on in is concentrate on building my businesses up.  Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will my businesses be so I just have to get started and take it a day at a time.

Life's Ups and Downs

STOP this roller coaster I feel sick :-)  Oh boy the light headed feeling I get these days as I continue to wean myself off being inward looking is utterly bizarre.  At once it can be liberating and then as fast as you like, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I am way, way outside of my comfort zone.  

My head just can't handle the signals and me stopping (or trying to) analyse them.   I am up and down sometimes for just minutes.  10 minutes ago I felt quite sick and it was that I am trying to do some serious work and my head isn't focussing and working properly - it is taking me hours longer to do than I first envisaged.  My typing skills have deserted me and there I am thinking this is a good thing to be doing to myself.  You know what, it probably is for I'm beginning to feel alive and that's part of the target.

I feel good about myself, I am getting thinner and feel better, fit, healthy, alive and the best I've felt certainly since before I had Cancer.  Emotionally though these recent days have wiped me out I've had the horrible, horrible lows of Monday to great highs as well but they flick from minute to minute even.  For a control freak it's disturbing but not unexpected I suppose.

There are bittersweet moments when I can see that things are great and yet look back and think it would have been far easier to be sitting on my arse and reflecting :-)  I'd still far rather being doing things that challenge me, slowly and a bit at a time that's what I'm doing.  The key to eating an Elephant is that you can't do it all at once you have to eat a bit at a time, that way you can eat it all.  I know this, it is after all what I've done for years but now I have to do it and virtually "Eat my own dog food" I find it so difficult even though I know it to be the thing to do.

I'm getting there - putting myself through the mangle every day and having huge highs and equally deep lows.  Patience is a virtue.  I like the one-liner "God, please give me patience, and give it to me NOW!" :-)

I'll just have to accept that I'm going to be messed up for a while yet and just try and work through it.

Emotions heightened and quite touchy too

I am still working hard to be less like me and to let my heart rule my head a bit.  It's strange territory for me but I can see that life is going to continue to be interesting.

The strange thing is that my senses are heightened somewhat and I don't particularly like how I react to things at the moment.  Emotional reactions aren't me at all.  I normally prefer to consider what is going on and then think about it and then react.  At the moment I find myself taken aback by strong emotional responses where perhaps before that would never have happened in fact I probably wouldn't have reacted at all.

A meeting I had earlier today looked like it would have to be postponed and whilst that's bound to happen I felt really disappointed and sad about it?  WTF!  That's just so not me.  

I took Flocky Bicep's advice and got on my bike and cycled locally to a nice spot where there are some lakes and quite a few fishermen go there.  I can get there through a bridle path way mainly and in 20 minutes I was there.  I'm certainly not in great shape but did well and then tried to find my way back on another route but couldn't find it so doubled back and came back the way I'd ridden in the first place.  Got quite a good sweat up and did some blood pressure readings and noticed that they were bang into the 120 and 80 mark so delighted about that.  My blood pressure is much better and continues to go down.  Not enough to come off the drugs I fear but getting there.  I reckon if I can keep thee diet going and exercise then I may try to get off these drugs in a year or so.  I feel occasionally faint and generally when I test do find I am low.  I checked my blood glucose and that was once again in the low 5s so that too is fine.

Life's good at the moment.  It isn't quite where I want it to be but it's only been 2 weeks since I changed things around and I still need to learn to be patient.

Whoa - What Living Is Like

I was on amazing form yesterday / last night.  Realised too late that I was full of nervous energy getting released.  Fitted into my old suit and shirt and felt on top of the world.  The "new me" is a complete explosive ball of fun but very difficult for the old me to handle.  Feel a little worried this morning about it all but that's just me being me.

I think perhaps a happy medium may be required - good old Flocky Bicep dropped me off home (that was nice of him).  He's a good friend and helps me out a lot - have to say it I've leaned on him a lot these past few weeks and may well have to into the future.

I checked out the route (part of it) that I will go on my bike later.  It looks as if I may be able to avoid cycling on the main road itself which is good.  The bridle path looks good too so am hoping that I will be able to start getting some training in with that.

Use up some of this store of energy - suddenly - I look good, feel fit, my skin feels better, my waist is wasting away I've lost fat off my stomach, my sides, my thighs and it is beginning to go from my neck too.  Really pleased that after 6 months I'm 3 3/4 stone lighter, 4" if not almost 6" off my waist, couple off my bum and thighs and a couple of inches off my neck too.  I need to check out what weight you are meant to be for a guy close to 6 foot high and try and get there.  At the moment though, if I can continue to eat like this and just have the odd cheat day I reckon I should be able to drop another stone or two by Christmas - that would be a nice goal.

But this energy thing is just amazing, new me, new life, new everything - really happy about that.  

Oh Dear :-) This Will Be Fun

My great friend Flocky Bicep recommends cycling to help keep fit and I thought you know at least you get to see stuff on the bike :-)  So I've dusted off my Mountain Bike - not that there is a oversupply of Mountains anywhere near here but some nice off road tracks within a few minutes ride.  So I've pumped up the tyres and tightened the nuts (not mine the ones on the bike - what are you lot like??) :-)

Had a quick tour around the block and will get myself off to tour the local area.  There are some quiet roads but more importantly there are huge tracts of fields and lanes nearby and some bridle paths so I shall make use of those and see how I get on.  I think I will be a fair weather rider though and the main road up here is a bit lethal so I will make sure that I won't head out on that.  This is going to be fun/different/painful * you can pick any two from three :-)

It will certainly make a change from my Cross Trainer which goes nowhere - so if I can achieve the same sort of distances I'll be happy.  I do actually feel a lot healthier too I wasn't out of puff doing a local circuit so that's great too.

Tomorrow I plan to take one of the local bridle paths and see if I can get to a local park with some lakes and have a push around there, then get back here - it's about 45 minutes to walk so what's that 2 or 3 miles? That's doable as a first go.

Flocky has also suggested I dust off my Golf Clubs and that seems too like a good idea - I would get massively fit at Golf as I'd walk about 4 times further than most people going to fetch my ball :-)

Hey I'm having a great day today and I know it is the anniversary of my dad's death but you know - he wouldn't want me to be moping around the house or anything like that - good on yer dad :-) 

As he often said to me - "you're a long time dead" and so you are.  All the better reason to get out there and live a bit.  Enough of the introvert inward thinking and get out there and make a splash - go on dare you! :-) 

Has it been just two weeks

It's been the longest and shortest two weeks of my life.  I feel like time has shot by and yet it is only two weeks since I changed my attitude and have started to try and life my life differently and with the one day's exception it has been a great success so far.  I find myself with good energy and having got past 2 weeks in, I find that I can now just try and throttle down and settle into "normal" if it ever can be normal again life.

Delighted that changes in my diet mean that I've started to lose weight again around 3 pounds in under a week and feel fit again also my blood pressures are now normal or below and constantly at that so that's good too.  Blood glucose levels are 4s and 5s so that too is good.  

Courage to continue and to be myself are what I need now, it's taken a long long time to get here and to decide that it is what I really wanted to do.  All my life in fact and I am impatient to be getting on with the rest of my life but circumstances won't allow that yet.  I have to be patient and I have to take things easy.  But with time going so fast and yet slowly all at once I wonder how I'll manage to keep a lid on it all but then that's just the thing isn't it?  I've moved away from being that person (as far as I possibly can) and should just let life come to me not plan and plot it out anymore.

Reflections on The Black Dog

Throughout his life SIr Winston Churchill suffered from clinical depression and he referred to it as his Black Dog and my friend and I early on after we had both been operated on used this phrase to cover the various visitations of depression that we got.  In many respects we used this term when it got really bad.

If you don't get doubting voices and thoughts in your head you may think what I say is strange but I'd like you to imagine that I do hear voices, I hear my (what I guess is) my subconscious all the time and it is an incessant companion and it works away at lots of things.  It does things like test jokes out whilst I am talking to people, it runs through scenarios and what if situations, it brings together loose strands and in everything it is there in the background running along very smoothly and is part of me.  I hear it as I type because in many ways it is me speaking these words.

I don't think this is unusual at all by the way - I imagine that everyone, if they stop and think, has the voice or the spoken thought there.  What happens when the Black Dog comes to visit is that a little dark cave at the back of your mind where all your innermost fears and hatreds, your foul mouth, your disgusting thoughts and your discriminations are exiled gets opened up.  The Black Dog can appear in many ways.

It's easiest way is to sow little seeds of doubt in your mind that it nurtures and cultivates and grows, weeding out the ones that won't work and looking after those that will.  Ideas are fertilised and brought to work against you.  These may be fears in meeting people, in stressful situations and they work my trying to make you do something against your will.  They eat away at you gnawing and getting under your skin, irritating and taunting you.

On Monday, I can only say that I was unprepared for the Black Dog's return.  I know I have on and off days quite regularly it is bound to happen as I'm still repairing my mind and my body from what I now see was a more traumatic event than I realised.  You rebuild on hope and a promise of better things and Black Dog takes away hope and replaces it with fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD).  

It was only my friend who has his own traumatic event at the same time that I did who recognised this for what it was.  That time of year - we both were diagnosed and operated on around the same time and so July holds dark memories for us - we ignore the signs at our peril.

My 'new life' or the new me is a work in progress.  I feel I've made some big strides forward these past 2 weeks.  The Black Dog can go to hell and whilst I don't think for one moment I won't get another visit for there are more challenges facing me in the next few years I will be ready and I've friends who I will pick the phone up and talk to.  I often feel that this is a battle of me versus it (the rest of the world maybe) and yet it need not be like that.  If I'd have thought for one moment about it I may have been able to put out a hand and have it held and my mind may have been able to have been defused in time rather than suffering the explosion it did.

Lock Stock

And Two Smoking Barrells makes me laugh every time and when Vinnie Jones says at the end of it all "It's been emotional" I can really get that.  This week has been a complete drain.  These past two weeks have possibly altered my life for ever or at least set a course of events in place that will alter my life for ever.

It's probably not too late to go and cry off but - nah - I'm not going to do that now.  I've resolved to tackle this stuff head on from now on and just see where the roller coaster finally takes me.

Way back in 2006 I suggested that I had no idea where I'd end up on this Bladder Cancer Journey and that I probably didn't have much control over it either.  Well that is true and here I am 7 years later and I'm nowhere near where I thought things would be.

It's the first anniversary of my father's death today.  In many ways it doesn't upset me as much as you might imagine it should.  He lived a long life and he looked after mum and my brother and me.  We all die, that's the truth of it and he died and we celebrated his life and mourned his death but he would have hated for us to be sad about it - we all die right?  He didn't want a memorial for people to go visit or talk to - he just wasn't that sort of man.  He was more like me or I was more like him than either of us ever let on :-)  That's our profile.  Of course I miss him and have fond memories but I don't feel the need to build a shrine, display his photo, put flowers down somewhere.  He would never have approved and I like to think it is his wishes I'm following.

For myself - I've had an early Birthday lunch and some cake and some beers and wine (I declared cheat day) and so I'm happy and mellow at the moment.

So glad I'm not where I was yesterday  - how bad was that ? Haven't been that down for years and years. 

Two Weeks In - Can You See the Real Me?

MInd out a bit of "adult" language in the clip!!! Then this clip came to mind.

After two weeks I can relate to this album so much and finally I'm getting my head around things.  It's hellishly complicated and what in my life hasn't been eh?  It wouldn't be me without convoluted issues and twists and turns going on.  I feel as if I've finally "seen the light" and not so much in a religious way although I'm certain that there is some underlying connection so let me expand.

Two weeks ago today I set off on a voyage of change and discovery.  All my life I've been a cold calculating machine of a guy.  I doubt that I was ever spontaneous or just did things for the craic as they say.  Sure I had a lot of fun but in reality I was the one keeping an eye on the rest and with few exceptions I'd dump them and go home rather than lose control of myself say for example we were out drinking.  I'd be the one scanning for any signs of trouble and keeping everyone safe and out of harms way. I'd do all the planning and organising because that's what I excel at (see what I did there stuck in the spreadsheet program!)

For years and years I've done the same thing and I can't help it, it's in my DNA, it's who I am.  My Psychometric Profile is that of an INTJ. Here is what an INTJ is like from this site.  

The INTJ personality type is one of the rarest and most interesting types – comprising only about 2% of the U.S. population (INTJ females are especially rare – just 0.8%), INTJs are often seen as highly intelligent and perplexingly mysterious.  INTJ personalities radiate self-confidence, relying on their huge archive of knowledge spanning many different topics and areas. INTJs usually begin to develop that knowledge in early childhood (the “bookworm” nickname is quite common among INTJs) and keep on doing that later on in life.

When someone with the INTJ personality has mastered their chosen area of knowledge (INTJs can find their strengths in several fields), they can quickly and honestly say whether they know the answer to a specific question. INTJs know what they know and more importantly – they are confident in that knowledge. Unsurprisingly, this personality type can be labelled as the most independent of all types. INTJs are very decisive, original and insightful – these traits push other people to accept the INTJ’s ideas simply because of that sheer willpower and self-confidence. However, INTJ personalities do not seek nor enjoy the spotlight and may often decide to keep their opinions to themselves if the topic of discussion does not interest them that much.

INTJ personalities are perfectionists and they enjoy improving ideas and systems they come in contact with. As INTJs are naturally curious, this tends to happen quite frequently. However, they always try to remain in the rational territory no matter how attractive the end goal is – every idea that is generated by the INTJ’s mind or reaches it from the outside needs to pass the cold-blooded filter called “Is this going to work?”. This is the INTJ’s coping mechanism and they are notorious for applying it all the time, questioning everything and everyone.

INTJ personalities also have an unusual combination of both decisiveness and vivid imagination. What this means in practice is that they can both design a brilliant plan and execute it. Imagine a giant chessboard where the pieces are constantly moving, trying out new tactics, always directed by an unseen hand – this is what the INTJ’s imagination is like. An INTJ would assess all possible situations, calculate strategic and tactical moves, and more often than not develop a contingency plan or two as well. If someone with the INTJ personality type starts working with a new system, they will regard the task as a moral obligation, merging their perfectionism and drive into one formidable force. Anyone who does not have enough talent or simply does not see the point, including the higher ranks of management, will immediately and likely permanently lose their respect.

INTJ personalities also often shoulder the burden of making important decisions without consulting their peers. They are natural leaders and excellent strategists, but willingly give way to others vying for a leadership position, usually people with Extroverted personalities (E personality type). However, such action can be deceptive and maybe even calculated. An INTJ will retreat into the shadows, maintaining their grip on the most important decisions – but as soon as the leader fails and there is a need to take the steering wheel, the INTJ will not hesitate to act, maybe even while staying in the background. The INTJ personality is the ultimate “Man behind the curtain”.

INTJs dislike rules and artificial limitations – everything should be questionable and open to re-evaluation. They may be idealists (impossible is nothing) and cynics (everybody lies) at the same time. Whatever the circumstances, you can always rely on the INTJ to “fill in” the gaps in the idea – they are most likely to come up with an unorthodox solution.

Generally speaking, INTJs usually prefer to work in the area they know very well. Their typical career is related to science or engineering, but they can be found anywhere where there is a need of intelligence, restless mind and insight (law, investigations, some academic fields). INTJ personalities rarely seek managerial positions – if they do, this is probably because they need more power and freedom of action, not because they enjoy managing people.

Every personality type has many weak spots and INTJs are not an exception. There is one area where their brilliant mind often becomes completely useless and may even hinder their efforts – INTJs find it very difficult to handle romantic relationships, especially in their earliest stages. People with this personality type are more than capable of loving and taking care of the people close to them, but they are likely to be completely clueless when it comes to attracting a partner.


The main reason behind this is that INTJ personalities are both private and incredibly rational – they find it very difficult to understand the complex social rituals that are considered part of the dating game, especially in Western societies. Things like flirting or small talk are unnatural to them; furthermore, INTJs (especially females) tend to see typical attraction tactics (such as feigning disinterest) as incredibly stupid and irrational. Ironically, INTJs are most likely to attract a partner when they stop looking for them – this is when their self-confidence starts shining again. There are few things that are more attractive than the unrelenting self-confidence that INTJs are known for.

If I were to write what I'm like I'd probably write that.  I find the last two paragraphs particularly interesting as I don't get any of that at all :-)  It at once tells you all that is right and all that is wrong with me.  I live in a world where my brain is in overdrive all the time and it never stops whirring and thinking and coming up with ideas, trying to sort out where I am, what I'm doing here and thousands of other computations.  I have great friends - they know this I think - I get "taken out" of this land on occasion and try and let my hair (what's left of it) down.  

What changed was that I found that I didn't want to live like this anymore.  I wanted a different life, to try and be the opposite of what I am, to act spontaneously without thinking too hard about it.  To do things without analysing why I was doing them.  A simple walk in the park is not a simple walk in the park for me.  I am reminded of the film a Beautiful Mind although I could only wish to have a mind like the one portrayed in the film.  

Here is the possibly the extreme of my particular problem and if you've seen the film you will recognise the torment that can be my head sometimes.   I think about everything and I research and strategize - I don't always get it right and I alter and adapt I understand my subject - even if it is new to me I will become a subject matter expert quickly and I will use that knowledge and build businesses or help someone that is my great gift and a gift I now recognise it is for it serves me particularly well and generally only lets me down occasionally but it doesn't let me live life, get on with life, enjoy life for life's sake, wonder at the glories of the world without wanting to capture and dissect the butterfly to see how it manages to fly.

Since bladder cancer came and woke me up to the fact that I was mortal - for I had not strategized on that much - I had no real idea of the outside world in terms of beauty and wonderment.  Niagara Falls when I visited it was a stream of huge numbers and statistics not a wonder of the natural world.  My eyes experienced things in a different way and I so much wanted to just experience these things for what they are wonders of creation and our world.  There's so much cynicism and anger in this world and yet beauty is all around us and I saw it as a science project not an experience to be savoured for the emotional reactions it made in your body - you see I almost started talking about the chemical balances and what happens in your body when you smell or sense or see something.  

So - hope you are with me so far?  I looked back at my blog and the "troubles" I've encountered and I've encountered more than I thought these past 7 years and it is 7 years today that it all started.  Through early guilt and trauma, dealing with staring at death, dealing with treatment and the shock and awe that regime meted out on me.  The post traumatic type stress and the utter fatigues afterwards and my aimless wandering in the employment vacuum.  Just some of the stuff I've endured and some I am sure is self inflicted some goes with the territory and I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy.  It is a devious pernicious disease that eats you up mentally and physically.

So I wanted a change and someone came along who spoke to me of a different world and a different life, different value systems and above all the simple things in life, those simple pleasures we all take for granted UNLESS you happen to be like me that is.  It sounded wonderful and I determined that is what I must do.  I must forget logic and plans, risks and issues, contingency plans, safety nets needed to go, it needed to be a concerted effort and a leap of faith to get myself out of where I was and get on the route to somewhere better.

It has been the most difficult transition of my life it's really hard work to keep to it.  I feel like I'm Mr. Spock being asked to play a parlour game.  There's no Logic to it and that's the thing isn't it, to throw all that stuff away and stop pulling the wings off flies and seeing everything like a scientist does.  

I had the most awful day I can remember for such a long time yesterday and finally dawned on me that today 7 years ago my life really did change in a big way.  I lost my dream job and I lost a huge chunk of my life really.  I lost my self confidence, my self belief, my ego, my self esteem.  I lost my dignity - you can't believe what lying down on a bed without your trousers and pants in and having instruments shoved up your Penis can do to you?  Maybe you can - must be more than 40 times I've had that done to me maybe more.  There's no dignity in cancer or its treatment, there's mental torture and there's pain, there's hope as well but mainly in just gets a big bat and beats you around the body and smacks your brain into porridge.  

So there I was wallowing  in my own head for all this time and now I've been shown a way out and this hand is extended towards me to pull me out of this pit of self made inward looking almost narcissistic behaviour.  It looks good and this hand of friendship is given without precondition.  Come and savour a new life, one without inward reflection, without all the analysis and theorising, come out into the sun and blink at its magnificence, come and meet new friends, enjoy their company (and they yours), walk upright into this brave new world. 

Then the most difficult thing for a scientist to encompass surely is love. For surely there has to be love and it has to be unconditional and it has to be true.  I struggle with this of course because it's all chemical signals and stuff but that's the point.  Instead of it being a load of chemicals and pheromones and stuff I need to rethink my ideas and let go and let everything in that I've batted away for so long.  I am trying to get to a state of mind where I will be able to be at peace with myself, to actually like myself (I hate myself at the moment) to build my self esteem, self confidence and self belief back up and to love myself for what I am not hate myself for what I am not.  Once I get that into my head I can perhaps open up to enjoy my life again and perhaps find a life and find love to go with it.

Here's hoping that I don't screw this up and can keep to the plan - arggggh there is no plan remember! :-) Oh yes it has to be fun and it has to be joyful as well .  Not much to ask!

In Blog Overdrive Today

What a day today has been since the moment I woke until now around about 10 pm my whole head has been in turmoil and in the most awful place.  It hasn't all been black and despairing like it was years ago but it shook me completely and it took me quite by surprise catching me fully off my guard.

It didn't start like that at all it started with a vivid waking dream that truly upset me and then it morphed into the blog posts you see below here.  I feel I've fought off the Devil and his hordes today.  I'm exhausted and found myself to be far more fragile than I thought I was.  I thought I'd toughened up a bit in the past 6 months.  I'm certainly physically fitter, another belt notch today and stomach is beginning to go flat - yay hay!  But for sure, my head isn't strong and then of course it became blindingly obvious what it was.  Was glad I kept writing and eventually found out what was bugging me.  I'm in for a full slap from my mate Flocky Bicep for over analysing but hey, I'll take what's coming, this is just a blip in the process but an annual one that I must get ready for next year - I never ever want to feel like I did earlier today it was awful.  

In many ways, you do live this stuff out yourself too - not too many people to help you.  I have a couple of friends who will help and one who had the same experiences as me at the same time so we really do "get it" and bless him he was also not in a great place today.  So July is my bogey month - just have to deal with that as time goes by.  Tomorrow I am being taken out a few days early for my birthday which is on the 4th - my father died last year on the 3rd so I had a strange birthday last year.

Had a very good friend text me this evening and that suddenly turned me around and I feel so much better and whilst I'm emotionally drained I feel that it is over now and the blog posts helped purge the soul and I can calm down now and just get over it.  

In effect there are some very poignant bits of those posts which I will leave as they are because they came straight out of my head as I was typing.  It shows that you may have to deal with some strange things going on in your head long after you feel you were cured.

I hope I have a good night's sleep tonight I don't need any horrific dreams or sad ones either for that matter.  

What a wobbly day

Phew what a bloody roller coaster ride today has been.  Could it be that simple that it is just that July holds bad memories for me and it's at the back of my mind?  Maybe it could indeed be that.  My friend who also had cancer at the same time as me tells me that he too isn't in a good place at the moment.  We both recall the warm weather and the operations we had.  We were lucky that we had each other to talk to during the recovery periods and we spent ages meeting up and having lunch and comparing notes.

I still feel I've never really let it all out after that.  I've never actually grieved for myself if that is at all possible or meaningful?  Maybe it's all locked up and needs purging at some point in time.  I've never really had a massive celebration either - remember saying how much I appreciated actually making 50 years old at my party as I didn't think I'd see past it at my 49th :-)

Would be nice to draw a line in the ground now and step over it and everything nasty in the past was erased and I could go and get on with my new life.  Would like to be that brave to throw off the old and just get on with the new. Brave new world often felt that it would come down to something like that and in many ways it may just clear down the past.

It would be nice if you could do what you do with a computer and clean out the cache - scrub out the 6/7 years and move on, nothing to see here, move along now come on.  

It's As If You Don't Want Me To Succeed

There's something not quite right about the way that my mind screws with me.  It's as if all the negative thoughts and negative vibes are stored away and neatly filed ready to undermine me at any time, in any situation and just hover like the sword of Damocles ready to strike.

For reasons that aren't apparently obvious to you the reader because I choose not to tell you I need to be at the top of my game now, I have been given something wonderful that has the potential to change my life from now on, to give me the direction that has been lacking (why did you survive etc) there's a bright future, I can see it, I can almost touch it it's just there just slightly out of reach of my fingertips.  It's like one of those movies where you are dangling from a precipice with thousands of feet to drop to your death.  Above you is your salvation hand reaching out but we don't know in the film plot whether or not they will offer their hand and we don't know whether, if offered, the hand will be taken by the person hanging on for dear life.

So there we are it's all being played out, there's survival, redemption, a happy ending waiting in the hand dangling down towards me, the sun is out behind that person I can't see their expression yet but I know I want to be rescued and go up there away from this danger.  Hanging on there I'm full of adrenalin and fear.  Just as I'm about to reach up and grab the hand suddenly I feel a huge weight on my legs pulling down on me threatening to drag me back down into the dark abyss.  I look down and it's all my demons unlocked from my head clawing at my legs pulling me down into their world.  

I'm in a middle ground here, I'm strong enough to hold on and stop being pulled down but controlling them stops me from reaching up to the hand that is there.  My mind plays tricks on me to the extreme, if I reach up will the hand be pulled away.  I trust the owner of this hand, they wouldn't do that.  But the demons taunt me and suggest and whisper and play to my innermost fears.  Does the hand exist at all they say, is it strong enough? Do you really know they will pull you in? In my heart or hearts it says reach up grab that hand for all you are worth.  Once you've grabbed it never let it go.

I can't hang on for ever I realise and I need to make a decision. The fear is that I don't make the decision at all or that I reach out and I miss that hand entirely. Sometimes it's not easy being me at all.  At the moment I can taste it - let's call it freedom shall we - breaking the bonds that hold me down, being free, cutting loose.  The demons are the manifestation of the extremes of the risks and the stuff I need to leave behind.  My head is a train wreck all twisted metal and dismembered parts.  

I think I can blame Bladder Cancer squarely for this and also the trauma of the treatment too.  I often said that the NHS (God bless them) treat the symptoms of the cancer and they do that well but it's just like anything else, a broken leg maybe, reset it, plaster it, few drugs, let nature take her course, off with the plaster, take it easy, good as new.  And so it is with many things I guess but cancer, that's different and they don't treat your mind.

Someone once asked me whether I thought I would die and I remember saying that yes I did - it was truly a moment of massive introverted thinking.  The dawning of what it may mean to leave everyone behind was a salutary lesson to me.  I've always looked at it that we all die but suddenly I didn't want to go then.  I think I remember wanting to see my kids graduate, perhaps get married or settle down and look after themselves was the main thing because 7 years ago tomorrow would be when I got ill.

NOW THERE YOU GO.... What do you reckon just happened there then????  7 years since I got ill - it must be plugged into my brain mustn't it.

1st July - my Mum's Birthday
2nd July - I get Cancer
3rd July - my Dad dies
4th July - my birthday

Oh FFS - could this be what it was all about all along?   Knew being able to blog today would be useful - bloody hell was it on the back of my mind all along?  Can't be it isn't the 2nd July yet.