To Follow Your Wallet Or Your Heart?

So Flocky asked whether I'd be upset moving out?  So I gave it some more thought as I'd glibly said that I thought I'd be 'a little bit' upset.  

In many ways I see it as turning the corner, opening a new page, a new start.  This is my 'new life' and so in that way it is exciting and of course a little scary too.  It's bound to be a bit scary because for the first time in 32+ years there'll be no Mrs. F.  No children (hardly children anymore) and thats 24 years so that will be a big difference.

I think that I've made the right decision but I could see that there is a wallet versus your heart situation here.  I suppose I could have blagged it out for the rest of my life - I was comfortable enough, I guess I only needed to make the barest of a living and I had the house and a good enough life but as I write this, I know that deep down inside now, it may have lasted a year or two but I'd be back at this decision point again.  Yes writing it down has answered the question.  this happens a lot of course when you are trying to resolve these things in your head.  I have a document that I write to all the time - more than this blog - and it's where I ask and answer these questions.  Am I doing the right things etc?

Of course, the question I posed at the start is important too.  I've halved my wealth and that of Mrs. F. too of course.  It doesn't mean that you are poor of course.  What it does mean is that suddenly, you changed from a large house in a nice area to a smaller place in maybe not such a nice area.  You aren't living where you wanted to live - and I do like this area, always have.  Unlike my parents I've lived in this house 26 years and before then lived in a place we knew we would move from for about 7 years.  I daren't even think how many times my folks have moved in that time :-)  So moving about (and I'm going to do a bit of that I reckon) will be new to me.  I have no idea where I will end up at all.  In my heart I feel it may be further out than here but what will be will be.

I'm following my heart, at last.  Following my previous course was OK but the only person who seemed to be unhappy about that was me!  

I will be disappointed to be going.  Disappointed that it ended up this way but I shouldn't be surprised as I had been paddling upstream for years trying desperately to get everyone to change.  Everyone but me that is :-) I maintained that I believe I did everything right for everyone except myself.  Now is the time to change that and I can imagine for a short while I will be upset - it will be saying goodbye to a life and a lifestyle that I became accustomed to but I wasn't, or don't think I was, ever going to be able to maintain.

Life goes on and change is perhaps the only constant we have.  The thing to do now if to seize the opportunities that lie ahead and not to fall into anymore ruts along the way!  Easier said than done I tarry.  

More On Diet

If we needed anymore on diet and the low fat regimen that has poisoned a generation or two then here is yet another blog that throws light on what is going on out there. 

In one place this heart surgeon states:

 "Let me repeat that: The injury and inflammation in our blood vessels is caused by the low fat diet recommended for years by mainstream medicine."

It should come as no surprise that we are all trying to eat what we are told is healthy food and yet piling on the pounds.  I disagree with the fruit comment especially if you are trying not to spike your insulin.  Today's fruit is particularly bad for you as it isn't naturally occurring - once again you may worry about genetic modification but breeders have been hard at it for a long time making fruit sweeter and therefore high in Fructose.  Think that glass of Orange juice is good for you?  You may as well have three or four tablespoons of sugar!  Man never had year round fruit, he didn't evolve on carbohydrates and a few thousands years of "progress" is not enough to evolve to eat the food that we conveniently pick up in a store.  Not sure how ancient man got his Pizza and Cola?  I like the fact that a Good English Breakfast is pretty good for you  apart that is from the bread and the milk in your tea or coffee :-)  All the worries about fat and frying (as long as it is in fat or a good oil) can go away.  If you use Sunflower or similar oils then you are introducing the problems there not in the fried food itself :-) 

It seems crazy but 100 years ago there were no cardiologists, no dietitians and nutrition experts, very few allergies etc.  Look elsewhere in the animal kingdom and you don't see many obese animals (except pets).  Yet since these new "healthy eating guidelines" were introduced in the 1970s obesity has rocketed as has Diabetes.  It wouldn't surprise me if other problems related to blood pressure and heart disease, allergies, intolerances and many many ailments are caused through diet.

The World Of High Finance

Well not so high really :-) I've been swapping stuff around and moving funds from one place to the next.  It's good fun but sometimes it can be a bit bizarre as you'd have thought that electronic transfer was a little faster than it sometimes is.  I've had to withdraw funds from one place today and it took a couple of hours.  I moved some money over in case we need to put a deposit down on the house tomorrow and it went across instantly :-)  

I'm quite enjoying all this moving money around but I'm going to enjoy it even more to set up my business and to start getting some cash rolling in.  It's a nightmare at the moment as I really want to get cracking but circumstances preclude me from doing that - it's only really that I can't concentrate on sorting the business out and give it full attention and that's because of the atmosphere here but I am pleased to say that whilst it isn't great, it isn't nasty.  It is business like I think it is fair to say.

I was in two minds whether to go out again tonight but once again, I need to put the brakes on that.  Going out is fine but it defeats two objectives - one is losing weight as beer just piles on the weight - liquid bread.  Additionally of course it also costs money and I'm already going out next Tuesday and I might be out on Saturday.  I just need to be careful that I don't spend half my leisure time down the pub.  I tend to spend most of my days and my evenings here at the computer - I leave the downstairs to Mrs. F and L to watch whatever they watch.  Occasionally I will  watch the idiot box.  

I don't need to rush starting the business either - it will take as long as it takes of course.  What I do need to do is to get in, settled and then to get the plan together and execute it.  I am actually planning and pulling stuff together now albeit in short bursts so that I can document it and be ready.

I think it is also just dawning on me the seriousness of the decision I've taken and I do feel slightly daunted but also quite excited too.  In many ways the adventure can get started and I can begin to rebuild my life and it's a strange feeling in many ways but not one that upsets me.  I think I will be upset in reality when I leave and don't need to keep coming back to this house.  But then again, I think that the break, the physical move away will also be the impetus to change and to live life the way I want to live it and under my rules.  I think perhaps Mrs. F. will also then free up a bit - it must be awful for her too with me in the house even though I try and keep out of the way she has a constant reminder of me in the house.  Once I've gone then we will see what her thoughts might be.

I surely hope that the girls will rally around her.  I feel that things aren't good all around but this has been dragging on for quite a while and now we have got past Christmas and the New Year - perhaps things are beginning to change a fair bit.

Alright - That Was Good

Yes - finally we saw a series of houses that were around the right ball-park and big enough, decorated enough and of the right sort of price for us.

We settled on two out of four we have looked at.  I think the one in the middle is a compromise between the three - it's a bit like Goldilocks :-)  Just hope that we hear that things are signed off for Flocky and we can get started and moving!  It really can't come too soon for me really.  I guess the biggest issue is going to be the Internet and utilities getting those sorted out.

I actually felt quite bullish once we'd seen them all - each was sufficiently different from the other to actually make it difficult to compare like for like.  But we aren't going to be there for a long time and we don't want to have a hugely luxurious place if we aren't going to call it a home. 

One of the nice things I like about the place in the middle is it is in the country and it is also only about 10 minutes away by car from my place.  It has access to country walks too so that looks good.  Two others are close to each other, near a station and in a quieter road but a bit further out maybe 20 minutes drive but not that bad.  

The other one is local to here but surprisingly we think it is further from the shops and train station than the others :-)

Anyway - I'm really charged up about them and there's good space and a good location - ideal.

A Little Thing To Make You Think

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” 
― Rumi

My music tastes have altered as I disengage myself from past friendships and disconnect associating certain music with certain events - it sounds strange but I can recollect what each tune means and how I felt is contained in the melody and/or the words.  Some still unsettle me and so I've shifted towards some of my progressive rock albums and I'm really getting back into stuff that I'd left behind years ago.  Also some new stuff  - this is Airbag and All Rights Removed.

It's quite an interesting 50 minutes of Progressive Rock - well more Neo-Progressive really.  I'm listening to this, Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree and Steve Wilson at the moment and I'm retuning myself entirely.  I've had to as I was finding sadness in the other tracks.  It is sad to move on.  I was talking to my friend about how I missed reading to the Children - all the books they had, all the fun of bedtime stories and how I miss that but you gradually grow away and the kids grow up and move on - that's the way of life.  We look back nostalgically to those key moments and we feel sad but in reality we shouldn't because that's the way of the world.  We all age and grow up and it's part of this circle of life.  

I felt I was getting somewhere today at last and it may well be just meeting that one person that I may never meet again but you suddenly see something about people.  Generally we are good and kind people.  I spoke to lots of people at the pub and this young lady too.  Everyone was kind and pleasant.  Life's not half as bad as the papers and the media make it, they play on our ability to beat ourselves up.  I think I just had my "faith in humanity" repaid last night.

I haven't heard back from this chap who wants me to pay him loads of money back on eBay and he hasn't responded to my last response which was for him to take his case to Customer Services.  Mind you it could take weeks to sort the damn thing out.   Not that I worry about that apart from it just means there are loose ends floating around as I move.  I'm sure it will all come out in the wash.

So off in the morning to go look at some houses and see where we stand with that.   It is half way through January now and I think that we thought we would have been sorted and in a place by now :-)  Maybe once we know tomorrow or Friday we can actually sort out and get the place and get cracking.  I was playing with some figures earlier and the hit this is going to make on my savings is eye watering - there the flat, bills and all that but of course, setting up a business all costs money and whilst I can slowly bring in some of the stuff - the key equipment is needed from day one!  Well week one perhaps.  

It's all a big adventure, a new start and a new life.  Whatever happens I just need to enjoy it and not forget that.  Quite how you measure your "enjoyment" I'm not sure but I do intend to make sure that I enjoy my freedom and actually do something with it.

Must Have Been A Good Day

There's nothing quite like getting a little boost and I must have because I spent today motoring on with my Operations and Sales and Marketing mind maps.  I have really not been able to tackle them because my heart isn't in it and the creative atmosphere I need just wasn't available.  Today, I guess my ego has been brushed up the right way, and I'm in a good place, really creative and firing on most if not all cylinders.

It is stuff I really needed to get out of my head but I still don't think I will be properly "in the zone" until I move out of here.  There's some maths I was trying to do last night and I really need to be clear of atmosphere to do that.  It's not so much complex as it just needs logic and thought applied and then to test what I've done.  I fear making a mistake at the moment through distraction.

So I was really elevated by that little encounter, made my day and who knows may be the catalyst to get me moving a bit more than I've been able to.

Off in the morning house hunting.  One of the ones we liked has gone we are seeing three which should help us to make up our minds in the next day or two.

Confidence Boost

I have been in a good place all day today.  Just that one meeting and chat this morning means that I can strike up a conversation and it was OK - I dread it but if I've learnt one thing this year it is that I'm not found abhorrent or disliked.   I am different to a lot of blokes so I suppose it may be that that is interesting about me?

Anyway, I certainly feel OK and suddenly the worries that nagged at me about meeting people aren't quite so stuck in my mind.  I should know this anyway! 

Oh well, she remembered me :-)

I wouldn't be much of an IT person if I wasn't able to find someone's name and address and find them based on a number of bits of information I had about them.  A hobby, their road, their name and surname and voila I know her address and then found her on Facebook and dropped her a note to see if she was alright.  I got a lovely note back this morning saying she was OK and that she hoped she hadn't made a fool of herself.  I assured her that she had not and then we proceeded to have a 10 minute exchange of texts so that's nice.

I like that she said that we got on well and so maybe we might get to meeting up - sober this time? :-)

She certainly is a nice lady. 

The Bad Days Are Behind Us Surely?

I find it interesting that Flocky and I both have similar feelings sometimes - he oftens says that as he listens to me or reads this blog it's just like his experiences.  I feel the same as I listen to him too.

So there's a time when you realise it is not a dream and it is actually happening and you look at your life and reflect and I think you feel some disappointment and regret and of course there's this stepping into the unknown.  In 1998 I set up my business and I stepped off into the unknown and it was a leap of faith - a huge leap of faith as I didn't know much about running my own business - I'd ran other people's businesses and been involved at high level in some household name businesses.  But it was different.  I had an 8 year old and a 5 year old daughter and whilst I had been pretty successful up until then I had existed in a corporate wrapper.  Now I was out on my own.  I had to work it out for myself, do my own billing, chasing invoices, timesheets, expenses and VAT and all that good stuff.  Mrs. F. was there doing the accounts (bless her).  I recollect that first day and my overwhelming thoughts were - as I sat on the train - I am probably earning 4 or 5 times what my fellow travellers were!  In a day I'd earn what they earnt in a week!  Now that may not be a good thought but I remember having it and being very worried about it but around that time I finally realised what my true worth was to major corporations and it was worth them paying me that sort of money as I was good at saving or making them millions.

That excitement and trepidation and in many ways being isolated from everyone as I started is kind of how I feel now.  It is like stepping off a dark staircase and not knowing where that next step is and your foot travelling further than you thought it would and you feeling you are going to fall when suddenly it lands with a shuddering bump.  That is how it feels like now.  It's all different, it's all exciting but also it is also very frightening too.  There's actually a fear of the unknown but also something slightly rebellious about this.  By that I mean that there are some 'habits' I've got into that I don't much like and I want to change those.  I want to cut loose of some of the commitments that I've grown used to (in many ways to get out of the house) that I don't need to do anymore.  I can just release myself from these commitments and go and do more rewarding things.  I like the fact that if there are three ages of man and I've done two of them - I ought to make the most of the last one! :-)

It is difficult moving away from the Status Quo and taking on a new life when comfort and normality and habit guided, regulated and monitored your life.  Imagine that we are now given an opportunity to put all that we have learnt in this past 56 years (in my case) into some context.  To use all that knowledge, hard won and we carrying the tattooed scars of our life to date to use all that to live a life less ordinary and to develop relationships that circumvent and erase common problems of jealousy and greed, that are loving and mutually beneficial, to make someone else's life better or more than that more than one person's life better even a tiny little bit.  That would be worth living for and expending your energy to do?  To make someone else's lot that little bit better.  To be a better friend, to be more tolerant.  To not make the same mistakes again and to use the experiences you had to  not repeat those mistakes and to talk and communicate better, to do good to one another to love and be loved in return.  

Surely a better life is out there beyond my mind's eye and current imagination?  I have to remind myself that no matter what emotions I am going through at the moment, how sad I feel for myself but more for Mrs. F. and my daughters A & L, it won't last forever.  It won't actually be as bad as if I stayed here - I still feel I would have just descended into a deeper depression and would have been no use to anyone.  

The key to this is to realise that the future (yes I know the NOW is the real thing) is going to be good because it is totally in my hands to have learnt from my past and to make sure that those lessons are used to make my life better.

It isn't how I imagined it to be, how could it be?  I wanted something different (well my ego did) and the reality struck home - "you can't have what you want!"  You can have whatever comes your way and that's it.  You make the best of what comes along and you do your best.  

I was lucky last year to have someone actually drag me up and talk to me seriously about my terrible lack of confidence (I know you can hardly believe it).  I was finally made to believe in myself in the most wonderful ways and even today they hold me in as high an esteem as I hold them.  I finally believe that I can be attractive, intelligent, funny, kind, affectionate, caring, loving, deep, intellectual, artistic, poetic, creative, musical and so many other things.  All of these things I was when I was younger and they got kicked out of me by a gradual process of erosion of my soul and who I was.  I doubt it was deliberate at all.   It just happened.  I like the story of the married couple and the wife who changed her man over a period of years and moulded him to her desires, clothed him differently, stopped him doing what he used to do and after 10 years he was so changed that she shouted at him one night "You aren't the man I married!" :-)

We all change, we adapt, we soften and we become compliant.  I wanted an easy life and I never wanted to argue or fight.  What was the purpose?  So here I am 40 years into a relationship unable to articulate to the woman I knew all those years ago what the hell happened and how we ended up here.  I hate that we hardly talk anymore but I have a short memory for we haven't talked for years.  I hate that we are here - but here we are - I can't do anything about that.  I like that many people I know are saying that it "isn't me" but I don't want blame and I don't want people to take sides.  I hope that this is a case where we are both equally to blame (if indeed blame is the right word to use - I don't think it is).  We aren't taught how to be good to each other or how to behave, how our lives will pan out and the stresses and strains of modern life are bad enough but no one tells you what you need to do - well not until it is too late.

But here is a new page.  There's a few chapters beforehand - that's inevitable for I guess I carry baggage with me that needs to be dropped or discussed or something done about it.  The new page is blank waiting for ink and a sentence to start it off.  It is too simple to say "Once upon a time...." but that could be it I suppose.  For now, there's the mitigation of the damage - there's the need to stop talking about 'the wife' and I suppose I call her the 'Ex' there's a point here that I shouldn't appear to be nasty about what's happened for I don't feel that.  I met someone who was really still badly hurt by her breakup.  I see that, I really do, but I don't want that damage on whoever I may meet.  

So many things could happen for me - travel, work away, go to the coast or whatever course may be set for me.  I really don't know yet and somehow I shouldn't worry about it but just do whatever takes my fancy.  Time to dream of the Canal Boat journey, the trip to America, New Zealand and Australia, Thailand and Singapore, Hong Kong and Dubai.  I love Paris and Brussels, Milan and Rome - who knows - there's the world out there.  Here I sit in my house of 26 years and whilst I have been blessed and honoured with travel and privilege, why not go and see this wonderful world of ours and just see what life may hold for me from now on.

I don't know if any of that may come true but in 2013 I dreamt of all sorts of lives I might have had.  None came true because the very person I wanted to share it with was unable or unwilling to commit.  That's not a problem either.  The problem I think is that of regret because when and if you are given an opportunity to reflect on your life, how many times would you look back and say "If only......"  I'd like to look back and say - wow what a ride, what a lovely world, what amazing people I've met, what great experiences I've had.   As Hunter S. Thompson said "Buy the ticket, take the ride."  Hell yea....

You only get one life (in this form) so we ought to honour that fact.  The problem being that not many people recognise it for what it is and the gift we have been given is squandered as we don't really appreciate it until our dying throb.  We wander through this life and instead of bringing joy we cause misery and injustice and hurt to others and they do this to us.  Surely there is another way?  Well I think that I will try and explore that in the near future once that page is turned.  I feel that I have brought pain and misery to my family - I very much doubt that it is ALL my fault but again I didn't tackle it earlier but hey we all make mistakes, misread the situation and let things go when perhaps we should have said something.  The same mistake will not be made again.  Well that's my promise to myself.

I will certainly try and be more 'in the now' and forget the past and don't let it haunt me.  You and I know that isn't easy, there's the utter regret of not doing things when I could have.  There's hindsight on decisions made that in those days were the right things and yet looking back aren't :-) and there's those magic moments that promised to lift you out from where I was that never materialised - that promised so much and held so much vision for a bright future that soared and then dropped me to the depths of despair.  That wonderful job, the meeting with my spiritual angel, the opportunities for great things and then the collapse of each one of them into heaps of ruin from sickness, timing, or just plain bad luck.  But I'm alive and despite financial loss, health worries and the despair and depressions that they caused - I'm out the other end and I'm still alive and I'm still breathing and I'm not poor and I have good health and I have lovely friends and so what is my problem?  I'm not in jail, I'm not really ill or anything like that.  I have warmth, food and clothes and shelter.  What the hell is my problem?  :-)  Of course, you and I know, there isn't a problem at all.

I know that the bad days are actually behind me.  I know that I will have to deal with the disappointment of my marriage, leaving this wonderful house and the surrounding countryside and of course my daughters but they are fledging from the nest anyway.  They are independent already - I made them so - they don't need me to be there for them until they want me to be there for them.  I just have to make sure that I am there for them when they want.  It is my covenant with them as their father after all.  There IF and only IF they need me.  As for Mrs. F. well yes - that hurts too but not so much now.  We've had the heavy conversations and it does hurt to discuss breaking up stuff but, do you know, she knew what the problems were and it hurt us both that there wasn't enough common ground to get back together again.  Interestingly, I'd say that may happen but I need the time to make sure it really could.  I won't say no but there's so big a gulf that it would take a miracle but they too can happen.

Blimey this has been a long winded post.  I suppose I needed to get this lot out of my head :-) 

Life and Lemons

Met a lovely lady tonight - full of fun and amusing until she had the glass of wine I bought her which tipped her from tipsy to wobbly drunk.  Lovely lady, lives around the corner from me.  I did what you should do and offered to make sure she got home.  We'd had a lovely 30 minutes although the conversation was somewhat repetitive - but I hadn't tuned in to the drunk bit.

I held her arm home and then she said she'd be OK and so I said goodnight and she toddled off down the road and landed against the fence three or four times.  I followed her and eventually said that I really wanted to make sure she got back to her house safely but - I suppose - rightly so - she didn't want me to know where she lived so I gave her a direct, in the eyes speaking to about making sure she went straight home and that I was extremely worried about her.

She appeared to be heading in the right direction.  I made absolutely sure but didn't round the corner where she lived - I think the stern talking to may have resolved that.

Oh my word she was lovely :-) Divorced, had kids of 11 and 16 but was so amazingly full of life and really quite good fun.  Anyway, she is home (I really hope she is) and will have a massively thick head in the morning to take to school.  I hope she remembers that I took her home and that all I wanted was for her to be safe and in her front door!

There are times when you really need to be a Gentleman - tonight was that night and nothing would have happened no matter what.  I'm surprised she even got to the pub in that state really and it worries me to see girls/ladies in a state of unbalance shall we say.

Anyway - fingers crossed - she's home and she'll just have the hangover from hell to live with in the morning.

Life is so interesting that you meet these lovely people on your journey.  It gives me hope that I will meet someone right for me - tonight was serendipity - it would be lovely if she were to meet me again but if not our lives crossed for a short while and we had a lovely 30 minutes of laughing and joking and sharing our life stories.  

Ugly Stories

Interesting - I wrote a long long long blog last night and had the wherewithal to save it to draft and not publish it.  I may review it and publish it at a later date - it isn't bad but it is very long and is almost a mandate for the future.

I am doing all sorts of financial stuff today and I've had to set up a new account to pick up that one of my ISAs (A tax free saving vehicle) has just dropped it's interest to less than I get on a taxed (after tax) savings plan!  So as they seem to have shot foot themselves I'm going to move it.  It's a not insignificant sum but what it does do is allows me to access to these funds - we were protecting them but there isn't a vehicle available that paid anything like we needed and so this frees this money up which is very useful for me for the future.  

We are being civilised about this and I want Mrs. F. to know the exact position we are in financially.  It is important when we come to sort out the house and everything else that we know where we are.  I've a need to speculate to accumulate and the investment I am putting in now into the business is a long term investment that I see returning in a year or two but it could be a little bit longer.

You hear of all these really messy convoluted divorces where someone just raids everything and makes off with it.  There's the ugly arguments about money and it is worse when there are children involved too.  I listened to the most distressing case recently where a chap just deserted his wife and kids - left them nothing and wanted 75% of the house and goods!  I think he might find himself struggling with that :-) 

I know it is difficult but I hope that we keep things civilised, like it is now.  It isn't easy for Mrs. F. I can see that - I've stripped her of half of what we had and there's that uncertainty about what life will hold in the future.  I can see that I'm going to be burning capital for the next year or two until we agree what we are going to do with the house and whether we are going for separation or a quicker route to divorce.  Whatever it is - I just hope that it can be done without this reverting to ugly scare type tactics that some people feel is required to further hurt and kill off a relationship.  It isn't necessary and we are injured enough surely.  The need to pour pain down on your ex is hardly a good excuse.  

Stuff To Do

I've got a lot of little things to do this week.  It's going to be one of those weeks where I need to just focus on clearing bills and changing accounts and all sorts of stuff.  My ISA has reverted back to paying me next to bugger all interest so need to change that, tax my car, do the Lodge accounts, do the Chapter accounts, transfer a series of standing orders, resign from some associations I'm in and probably won't use again.  

I've shut down all activity on eBay - and shutting it down entirely is being held up because this guy has a case against me - although he has shut right up now I've told him to take his complaint to the management.  I'm guessing now he's been called out and will have to abide by the Ts & Cs of the site he may not be so bold as he sits behind his keyboard.

I wondered whether it might be an idea to fall off the face of the planet by killing off my various social media accounts?  That would be a complete restart!  No one would know where I was or what I was up to :-) Mind you there would be some people that I'd not want to lose off there as it is the only contact I have with them.

Right - best get on with the cashing up and reconciling the accounts!  

Another Weekend Endured

It's a strain on all systems when we try and work out how we will interact with each other over the weekends.  In many ways it was a lot easier this weekend as I was out house hunting and then at a Lodge meeting and laid in until about 11 this morning.  I tend to make myself move away from the computer or try to over the weekend and I think I may instigate some sort of ruling when I've moved to stop working and go and enjoy some "me time".

But I have to say Mrs. F. was OK with me this weekend and I think having L back from Uni is good as she is lively and she is getting out and doing things more.  I'm pleased as I do still feel very sorry for her.  Of course whilst I mention that she is taking it badly I also noticed that I was today.  I think because it is getting nearer and nearer and we are close to getting fixed and me moving out of here and the waiting will be over and I will miss this house as it holds so many memories from us setting up here and having the kids and them growing up etc.  

It is only very recently that things have been bad and it's also not been a horrible time we've had or anything like it.  But I've noticed that I've been pretty awful for a couple of years and I also notice that whilst I still don't know what the hell goes on around here, who is in the house where people disappear off to etc   So not a lot has changed and I'm still in the dark about most things.  At least I won't have to worry about it when I've moved apart from keeping in touch of course!

A LONG Lie In

I have been going to bed late mainly it's avoiding tactics so that Mrs. F. and I don't keep bumping into each other.  The problem is that it catched up with you so I have a super long lie in bed this morning and feel better for it but, of course, half the day has gone by now!

It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining and the frost is melted from where the sun has reached but remains elsewhere.  I managed to gain a large blister on my foot from the walk there and back yesterday!  So I'm slightly hobbling around :-)  

I have to say that I'm in a good and cheerful place today.  I really could do with getting things happening and moving and spending some time organising my life and then seeing where we go from there.  

I had a good day though yesterday and enjoyed a night out with the lads.  A good long walk home with fireworks accompanying me home for part of it was also nice too.  I enjoy walking in this cold weather - I had my wooly hat on and was listening to music all the way home.

A lazy day today and I can get started again tomorrow - I do hope that we will be able to get the process started this coming week.

Mmmmm - not a peep

I really ought to go with my gut instinct sometimes.  Since I suggested to this rogue buyer that he ought to take up his grievance with the management, my guess is this chap is a bully and gets his way a lot.  The hassle factor is, for him., that he'd have to argue the basics of a contract and I think he isn't that stupid to go to war over 99p - at least I don't think he is. What I like?  Not a peep, none of his hyperbole and rhetoric and none of this start off nasty and slowly change your story nonsense to make it seem like he is a good guy.  

He did get me going though but I think that I've pushed the button and suggested he go and argue out the site's terms and conditions with the people that wrote them, he may have drawn breath and re-thought his strategy. I feel chilled about it now.  I was pretty steamed up about it a day or two ago = I just need to realise that it doesn't matter anyway in the big scheme of things.

We had a look at the two properties today and I have to say that they were both good but Flocky and I have slightly different tastes and so we ended up liking a different house but, the main thing here is that one is OK for his needs and I don't actually have specific requirements and so one actually is much better than the other in terms of fit.  Maybe on Monday we can review it and see what we want to do.

Either one fits my needs anyway and so that's fine.  We have also found that the places we saw on Thursday may also now be more "available" to us after a quick exchange of correspondence.

Well the main thing here is that both places suit the basic needs but one stands out and fits all the needs and isn't too far away and is reasonably priced.  It also looks as if the landlord is interested and is local and takes an interest which is also good!

It's been a long day  - I did walk there and back to the meeting listening to my music.  I'm pretty cold at the moment - the moon and stars are out there's a good frost and freezing fog coming in :-)  But a nice night to clear the head for sure.
  

This morning is better - thank goodness

I hate being down in the dumps and I hate idiots (I still can't deal with them even though I should just smile and move on).  I find stupidity (for the sake of it) extremely irritating but that's because I don't get it, like I don't get a lot of things like reality shows and the manipulation of the press to dumb down everything.  The inability for people to think and rationalise and then act rather than acting first - stupid as that can sometimes be.  

So it was nice to see today's moment in my inbox:  

“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. As soon as you honor the present moment, unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love - even the most simple action.”


- Eckhart Tolle

Easily said but quite hard to execute.  I always feel good in the morning because I haven't had time to let my computer of a brain loose on all the "problems" of the day.  My fault is that I see problems where there are none and I find that I don't ignore and move on fast enough.  I can actually do it but like yesterday, this idiot got under my skin.  Because he's a poor lonely Internet Troll, I should just ignore him and move on.  I didn't do that - he made me angry - or rather my brain told me to be angry and of course what on earth is there to be angry about?  Nothing at all, he's made up his mind that he is going to take a course of action and rather than me saying straight away - please take it to arbitration I tried to reason with him.  I suppose there is that in my favour when they come to adjudicate it.  I'm sure this will all be giving him a thrill up to the point where I said enough go take it to customer services who will explain what the word "used" means in context to his purchase (and he knows it and so did I!!!) 

So today, move on, look at some houses, a Lodge meeting to attend and in many ways, I should start to enjoy myself a bit more :-) I'll be away from the computer, amongst some friends and also will have seen a couple of houses that may be suitable.  We have only seen one place that was really suitable which didn't have a garage but there is a cunning plan to get over that.  I've dropped the Agent a note to see if it is an acceptable plan.

Today's houses both look to be exactly what we need but again one doesn't have a garage but we have a plan b for that too.  I hope that either of them are suitable - the second one looks nice and large and is in a very good location, so near to the High Street that you can be there in a few seconds.  It is next door to a club but hopefully it shouldn't be that noisy....  Famous last words.

So it's the morning, it is sunny so I will probably get myself out this afternoon and walk to the meeting (and back if it is nice).  A good walk there and back in the chilly air is just right.  It was funny because when I walked back on Thursday night there was hardly any traffic about.  It might be different tonight but let's see.  I like that after a few drinks, I can wander home and be relatively sober when I arrive :-) 

Is It Worth Worrying About

Gee this guy's persistent so I've told him to go and speak to eBay customer services if he feels he has a case.  He's asking for the postage and packaging back which is a bit rich.  I've told him I'm not doing that.  I've also told him to re-read the condition and review the photographs provided - he's now sent his own.  For the few pence that I may have made out of the deal I've left it for him to go through the eBay process which will deliver a sort of arbitration on this.  

Let's see what they come up with if the guy, who seems determined enough, wants to go ahead with this utter nonsense!  I've just called his bluff and won't answer anymore of his emails as they are very poor attempts to lay blame and frankly for a few pence is it really worth it.  Mind you the Internet makes you big and brave when you are sat at your keyboard.  Frankly if it were me I'd put it down to experience and move on.  

But there you go must be some saddo stuck in his office with nothing else to do but compose long meaningless dribble and send it out.  I don't suppose he likes my one line responses too much.  

It's been one of those bad days anyway - not helped by this saddo interrupting every hour or so with a stooopid email.  Off to see two houses tomorrow and then off to a Lodge meeting in the afternoon which will be nice.  Looking forward to that greatly.  At least I'll be out and amongst some friends.  Still have to be careful as some people know my situation and some don't and my Father-In-Law is there and some other that don't know and of course some do!  Apart from that I suppose it will be fun.

In a few weeks time I'll have to leave it to Carole to tell them that I'm no longer here and to give them my new number(s)!  Crazy times indeed.  I'm a bit annoyed with myself about this idiot upsetting me tonight I can feel my hackles up but I don't like being questioned about my integrity - it's the one thing I hold high above many others, I'm not the sort of person who does this - well not deliberately.  I could just have rolled over and done what he said but actually - you know what - it's a principle thing now.  Hence I've asked him to go direct to the Customer Services people if he feels he really has a case.  It's flimsy and it clearly states "Used" and there are plenty of photos with the item and it also says "no returns"  so in many ways - I think it is Caveat Emptor.  It isn't as if the record isn't playable and "in a certain light at a low angle" you can see this scuff.  FFS!  I wonder if this guy gets a lot of people to send him the P&P back I came across one of these some time ago who really chanced his arm with lost postage.  Interestingly he didn't keep good records so rang a few rings around him.

I have decided though that I'm not interested in doing this anymore - it is just full of hassle and people who want something for nothing.  The number of people who tell you what they are willing to pay for P&P despite the fact that you quote it.  

Oh well - let's see what happens and let's drop it and move on.  I have bigger fish to fry in my business - I'm sure I'll get some toss pots with that too but at least I will have the say about reparation and it's in my Ts & Cs.  It's late again - I don't like going to bed early here - it will be different at the new place - I will get back to business hours and that will bring its own discipline.

My eBay Buyer....

This guy that has a problem with a record I sold him has now come back and suggested that this "mark" on the record - which was originally a big graunch and across the whole surface is now hardly noticeable unless under a certain light.  I've not played this lot back to him as of yet.

I'll wait until both sides of the story are played out and then show how the big problem, is a little problem and is now not much of a problem.  for 99p purchase is taking up a lot of his time he wants the postage back - I don't think so.  Will be interesting to see where it goes - I'll just shut the bloody thing down I get fed up of dealing with people like this.  

The Ups & Downs Of Splitting Up

It's a real roller coaster of emotions and reactions.  Yesterday was a case in point.  We looked at a number of potential houses to rent.  That's OK?  Sure it is.  But your mind races on to what will it be like and how will it work out.  Not that worrying about it will help but it just makes things any easier.  

I think I may just disappear off the radar for a short while and close down stuff that I don't use.  eBay being one that just p1sses me off.  You do get some stupid things on eBay and everyone wants "something for nothing" which appears to be a disease of the Internet connected world.  I find that these sorts of people drain your energy and bring you down.  So that can go now, it served its purpose and so that's fine.  I have some other similar accounts which I intend to go through and cull.  My email address will be changing too soon and so that will also help as if I miss any to shut down, the email will bounce too.

I really cannot get going on the business planning - I need space, time and inclination and to be in the "right mood" to do it.  The atmosphere here can easily be cut with a knife :-) The place is also cluttered full of packing boxes, bubble wrap and is untidy which doesn't suit my organised mind one bit :-) I think the move will resolve that as I will be in a space that's peaceful and tranquil without the dread of bumping into Mrs. F.  It's painful to both of us to be in each others presence.  So sad really that it's come to this, I feel sad writing this because I think it's a shame that as I know look back I did try a number of times to repair and change all this and it never succeeded.  How I hope that she gets over it and gets to the other side and moves on.  

Getting out of here will free her up as well as me I have no doubt.  To me it is one of those things that has been coming down the line like a slow motion train wreck - it was inevitable and the nearer it got the greater the feelings of dread, the depression and the angst and I realise now that so much of the problems I had after my brush with Cancer were additionally caused through, I suppose, the realisation that this would be the end point.  It was certainly in my mind that things had changed and that life wasn't going to be the same and that collateral damage had and would be a result of it all.  I had to be at home more often, I couldn't get away with working away or working all sorts of long hours.  It truly is, in hindsight, amazing the lengths I went to not to tackle the problem. 

It's all day by day stuff as people say it is and that time will heal and all these things are true but there also a point where it's a matter of, if you are changing your life, then you might as well go and change lots of things at the same time.  I can't be doing with lots of the things that I have in the past that now feel like baggage and so I'm sort of thinking that I may as well cut these loose too and move on.  It's a funny thing to say but I've wasted a lot of time avoiding the issues by signing up to internet sites and distracting myself.  They are time wasters and drains on me so they've got to go as has anything that doesn't actually do anything for my quality of life..

People?

Sometimes you can't get people.  So I've received a complaint about a record I've sold which was sold "as is" and Caveat Emptor.  The guy got it for 99 pence plus P&P and wants his P&P back because he tells me the record is ropey and scratched.  I have suggested that it wasn't and that he had adequate opportunity to ask before bidding and that the photos show the condition.  Frankly I don't give a toss and so I decided to shut down all my accounts with the company as they really think that it is worthwhile pursuing this line of enquiry.  

From my point of view - everything will be locked down tomorrow - all bids have been taken off, all items taken off and they can go sing for their money.  I will shut down that and all accounts after being a customer for 10 or more years.  I don't really give a toss over 99p anyway but what it did was just say to me - why bother...  You get all these money for nothing types and low lifes on there.  Frankly for the price the guy paid he may as well have gone down the road and bought a pint of beer.  Dick!

I'm actually thinking of really limiting my internet exposure and all my social media stuff soon anyway.  Just use what I need to use and be done with the rest of it.  It's just too much hassle and I'm sure it will be easier to simplify my life than make it complex - or any more complex than it ought to be.

Viewing - Such Diverse Places

Having not gone house hunting for years and years.  You tend to forget that you see all sorts of houses in all sorts of states.

Funnily enough Mrs. F. chose this present house - I was working away and came to see it with her after she had seen it first.  It really is a nice place and I will be sorry to leave it.  At one time I thought that I'd live the rest of my natural here :-)  

I recollect us seeing some pretty appalling places when looking for our first house but being put off buying a lovely old Victorian Town House which today is worth millions :-)  Such are the cards we are dealt.  I'd have had to do it up but I was "in the trade" at the time so no real problems...

This wind and rain is certainly sorting out the properties though.  The damp patches we have seen must be due to the rain being blown under flashings and I'm guessing it's three or four houses we have seen like that.   

The very first place we saw was great but no garage.  The next place we saw was way out in the country but very cold, old and didn't quite fit our needs.  The next place was quite nice but couldn't quite work out what was wrong with it - it didn't seem right although the place was pretty nice inside and out.  On a busy road but again it wasn't too noisy.  A real nightmare to get out of the drive though.  The next place was nice, but difficult to get our heads around because it was fully furnished.  It was an interesting property nonetheless and could work for us.  So of the 4 we saw only the last one fitted our needs.  The First one if it had a garage would have been perfect!  What a shame.  We are meant to be viewing one tomorrow although I've not heard back on it and 2 on Saturday.  

It's difficult - as with all of these things - to get precisely what you need of course but hey ho a few more to see and then we may need to make our minds up fast.

Places To See

We have three places to go see tomorrow and at least one on Friday and two to go see on Saturday.  That should give us a good look and some idea of what we can expect - there's a spread of properties and values and hopefully we can get a feel to go forward.

I've started my checklist of stuff to do and it's a long list of change of address, new phone and so on.  I'm going to take my friend's recommendation on an upgrade to my phone when that becomes due in a month or so.  It knocks my current contract into a cocked hat and I might as well use my phone until it falls to pieces :-)  It's not as if I need a new one even though this is a bit temperamental.

It's very difficult to concentrate on the business at the moment and I find that I spend long tracts of time thinking through the business and making notes but not actually progressing with it.  It's OK I've had plenty of time to think, test and change my ideas - it's been quite interesting as I've thought through the processes and as I've bought things from complex back to making them nice and easy to start with :-)  It's a matter of taking each idea and challenging it and testing them.  For example DVDs - I was going to get them printed and then write on them.  I realise I can print these in house and they'd look just as good but also they would have nice printing on them not some old permanent marker :-)  The Jewel case was similar.  Now I plan to just get paper covers and the customer can make up their mind what they want to do.  If they want Jewel cases that's fine they can do those themselves.  From my point of view I don't have big storage issues as there is little bulk with the paper cases, lower space, cheaper P&P and handling and this is the way I'm working things through in my mind.  It also saves a bucket load of money too.

Mrs. F. is out tonight.  I'm meant to be at the Jazz but my friend isn't going.  I'm in two minds - the last time I took myself down there but there was no Jazz but I had a "good drink" with the Steward.  I might just take myself up the road here for a few beers and take my business folder and go and develop the web site and the pricing that would give me something to do!  I could do with getting out of the house.  It's difficult to understand why unless you live with this sort of sadness that pervades the place.  It really feels like a Funeral Director's parlour. :-)

Anyway there we go.  I also get the chance to go out tomorrow afternoon which, if it is nice, I will walk to the meeting and back.  It's a bit of a trek but I like the walk and it gives me some exercise, stretches my legs and allows me to stroll with some music playing through my MP3 player.

An Evening Sat Working On My Computer

As we were playing musical rooms again I decided that I'd come upstairs and I had some messing around to do.  I thought my collection of music was missing some albums.  I found out that what has happened is that albums with the same name (greatest hits of, the greatest hits of, hits of and so on). appear as one album (in the album listing) not against each artist.  I've found about 50 missing albums and have had to go and alter the name subtly on each so that it now shows the album title and the artist so presenting me with an obvious choice now.  There are a lot of other examples and I am still coming across them  Who would have thought there were two albums called 'Green'?  So that kept me occupied for a while.

Then I got talking to me 'angel' 'spirit guide' or whatever else we want to call her.  Had a lovely conversation with her and then my cousin from NZ and then another young lady I know and so the evening flew past in idle chit chat.   Mind you - I was pleased about that to some extent as it was getting a bit boring.

I feel in a good place after these chats, I feel like there is someone I can talk to.  It is particularly difficult at the moment here and I understand that.  I'm meant to be out Wednesday night but my friend has cancelled as the weather is bad.  I don't know whether to wander down there anyway - last time I did it had been cancelled anyway and I ended up drinking some pretty powerful Beers / Porter!  Maybe I'll think of something else to do but I will try and get out even if only for a short while.  I could I suppose see if anyone else fancies a few beers.

I'm out at a Lodge meeting on Thursday representing my Lodge - it will be good - I think the rain will be gone and so I might walk there and back for the exercise if nothing else.  Saturday is my mother Lodge meeting and so I'm looking forward to that.  I will probably see if I can walk there and get a taxi back I think.  It doesn't make sense to drive as I do enjoy a few beers and why risk it.  It's better to grab a taxi and not your licence.

I can see that things are getting close now - Flocky is close to signing and exchanging contracts and we are seeing a number of houses on Thursday and Friday with a view to getting in as soon as.  For me it cannot come too soon.  I really need the time and the space and to take away the 'pressure' that surrounds me whether real or imagined.  I can really cut loose and move things on then and that's the important thing to have the freedom to be creative and to work through my business without this constant "atmosphere" that pervades the house.  In so many ways it just will allow me the creative space and the freeing of my mind to let me launch the business free of any incumbrences.  It doesn't matter if I work 15 hours a day on it either because it is all to do with the new me, the new business, the whole thing is that fresh start that needs to happen.

I thought it was strange that my friend doesn't look at the new year as a changing point - it is after all just a date in the calendar.  But of course you can use it as a milestone of sorts and work away from it.  I feel 2014 is going to be a good year eventually once I've moved on and got this fresh start and a new routine and a clear vision of where I want to go.  I know that I can't plan too hard and need to live for the day but I'm sure I can let myself have a clear view of where I'd like to go as long as I don't expect it to be real.  Too often I was let down through not obtaining the various dreams and plans I had.  

That Was Interetsing

I spoke to one of the Estate Agents - well I popped in as it was next to my Doctor's Surgery.  The place we had seen and I spoke to them about had been on the market for ages and ages.  I explained the state it was in and that there was no room for negotiation and that the landlord wasn't going to do any of the work.  She said that it was now with every Estate Agent in the area and for the same price and she'd be surprised if anyone would rent it.

That's interesting but Flocky came up with an even more interesting thing wondering if the guy just didn't have the money available to do it.  That would fit too.  It's interesting that the place is without doubt the worst condition we've seen!  It appears that the Estate Agents also view this property with suspicion and rightly so.

We've found some more places to visit and hope that these might prove useful.  One is in a really nice area and road that I've known for a long time and I can't remember why I've been down there as it is a dead end road.  Also another on the old main road - a bit further out than planned but again, not a million miles away.  Let's see what they bring.

Was surprised that some Estate Agents haven't got back to us on some properties.  Makes you wonder why they market them online if they aren't going to send you the details or call?

Spirometry OK

Well that was a relief.  My readings aren't bad bad.  They are expected for someone who used to smoke and has given up.  Interesting that I don't tend to get chest infections or anything like it thank goodness but the guidance was to get straight to Doc if anything lung wise was wrong, so I know that if I ever do get anything what the advice is..

My blood pressure was off the chart but it did come down on a second reading - weight was down which was good and near target so even better but I intend to go down a couple of stone this year if I can too so that will also reduce things.

Now to get bloods done and go back for a review.  I will see if I can actually sort that out in the next few months - should be fun.

Surviving Cancer

Back on the subject of this blog.  Cancer and the journey.  In many ways I'm pretty comfortable where I am on my health front. I have to go see the specialist nurse tomorrow as my Spirography tests weren't great and so I'll go and see what she has to say and get my blood pressure done at the same time.  It appears the doc wants to see me for a review and they want a blood test too.

I hardly ever get ill - feel quite fit although I know I've put on a few pounds over Christmas I know that after this weekend I will be able to concentrate on losing that and once I've moved I just want to have the basic foods I eat available and not all these other things lying around the house :-) 

As for my Bladder Cancer, I don't think about it half as much as I used to do.  I know that I'm eating properly and I'm not doing absolutely everything I could do as I don't do the FOCC and heavy juicing of green vegetables I used to but I am eating well, losing weight and as far as I can tell I am a lot fitter and healthier than I was this time last year.  Occasionally I think about it and it crosses my mind how lucky I am.  Another chap I knew died last week and you hear about Cancer all the time and people are diagnosed, undergoing treatment and so on all the time and likewise some recover, some get some quality of life, some of course are not so lucky.

I suppose in some ways I have a "respect" for the disease and now I'm hoping that the next test is negative and that I can gradually see my Bladder Cancer sailing away into the far horizon and it just be a very serious illness I once had.  A nasty dream, now long gone.  OK that isn't going to happen as they will keep their eye on me for a long time but again that isn't too bad I suppose as long as it doesn't result in more visits for false positives! :-)

Whether it is the immunotherapy, my diet or that I rarely get colds and the like I do appear to have been very healthy this past year.  I haven't been really ill for about 6 years - this time 6 years ago I was in a right mess with a horrible cold, ear infection and I was stone deaf - that left me with tinnitus which I suffer with to this day.  Since then I've had the odd cold but otherwise all is fine, most of my troubles were mental rather than physical and it looks to me as if most of that was caused by my failing marriage and the shock of having cancer, the treatment and the recovery.  I tend to underplay it but there is no doubt about it - it is challenging and it is life changing.  Surviving it allows you to question everything and perhaps reevaluate your life and to be pretty honest about things I find.  Sometimes you can be a bit too honest.

I found a lovely quote yesterday and sent it to a very special friend of mine this morning:

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

Albert Schweitzer  

I got a lovely note back saying that I did that for them.  I sent it because I felt that they had done that to me!  Funny we both thought the same about each other.  I'd never thought that I may also be someone's spirit guide too :-) Made my day did that! :-)   I tend to not see that sometimes I'm capable of being the change and being there for other people.  I tend to see myself receiving and I don't see myself as a giver particularly.

House Fun

Blimey - the landlord of the place we looked at that could be compared to a Pig Sty isn't accepting any offers and yet out in the market there are plenty of places far nicer than the example we had presented to us.  In many ways it is a surprise because the amount we offered  would mean he would get tenants almost straight away.  I doubt anyone will touch the place until it is cleaned, warm and brought up to standard.  That could take a month or two and by then he'd have lost two months revenue.

I never quite understand people who say they are entrepreneurs or businessmen / women who don't grasp the basic concepts of money.  We were paying up front and in advance allowing the landlord to invest that money - it's certainly worth more than paying it in bits.  It's like you see people fannying (that's a technical term) around with the odd penny here and there.  By the time you've done all that messing around it's cost you more than you are likely to gain.  We had simple rules to turn our cash around 13 times a year (every 4 weeks) and I recall having one of the biggest rows of my life when I was summoned to Manchester - 5 hours away and when I arrived got a dressing down from some little Clerk Oiik over a 50 pence anomaly on £30,000 pounds worth of invoices.  I threw the 50 p at him hitting him extremely hard told him there was his F*****g change and stormed out.  My MD and I had an interesting conversation the next day :-)  I kept my job and got admonished with a few words - then a smile and a "Don't do it again".

It is one of my major failings I'm afraid, I do not have any time for amateurs, people who act like children, people who are unprofessional or obstructive and jumped up clerks - well they are my favourite as many people will testify.  Want to be humiliated in public and made to show just how stupid you are.  Pick on me.  It really isn't nice when I cut loose as the lady in the Orthodontists who ignored me for 5 minutes whilst talking to her friend on the phone, that meant that arriving on time for our appointment we were then late.  I could go on but the row that erupted after we had seen the specialist was spectacular and left the woman reeling and those in the waiting room I hope were amused as I tore into this woman's rudeness and how I was checking if she was on work placement or on probationary period.  Best of all the specialist had to come out and tell her that I was only conveying his wishes and to carry them out.  My daugher however was not amused and I never accompanied her there again.

Anyway - it's a shame that the house isn't going to be the one we will live in, I can't see him shifting it in that state, not unless someone is absolutely desperate to live there.  I think I'd be warmer and cleaner camping.  Not to worry either as we are seeing three properties this week.

The Stigma Of Divorce

It appears to me that Mrs. F. feels that there is some sort of "Failure" on her part for the predicament that we are in now and that it is somehow shameful or a failure or some other such heinous crime that she can't tell anyone.  Really?  I mean do people still judge it like that.  In these days of living together and children out of wedlock I'd be surprised if anyone looked upon it as anything other than what it is.  It's sad and regrettable but surely, if you can't actually live together then why go on pretending that you can to give the appearance and to pander to some one else's opinion.  In my mind that's just plain wrong and surely we can get away from worrying about what other people feel about it?  

I remember a time where it was all said in hushed tones about someone being divorced and it was almost always associated with infidelity and spoken of accusingly.  In my own lifetime these opinions and ideas have changed completely.  

I've got a feeling that I may not be the best person to discuss it with either because I just see it for what it is and it's time to move on.  I can see I've upset everyone in my family because I've turned their world upside down but I have to measure it against my own sanity and my own life.  There was no way I could have tried any harder to change things nor could I get anyone to change with me either.  That's the tragedy if you like.  The warning signs were there for a long time and I'd tried all sorts of ways to make those changes and do something about it.  I'd even prepared myself to make us work together (job wise) so that we could get closer or have a common interest.

Oh well, it wasn't to be and time to move on and in many ways, moving out of here will settle things down a bit I expect.  I am not sure if the girls will want to see me or not?  That too will be something that I expect will evolve a bit.  It feels like they are on their mum's side and I'm OK with that because frankly, she needs as much support as can be given to her.  I'm not particularly worried about that in the short term, I just hope that somewhere along the line we can meet up for a coffee or lunch or dinner or something when they are over.

A lot will change after a short while I am certain of that.  I can see that the dynamics need to move on.  It's a bit like I was on the phone to my mum and she said where was everyone and I said I didn't actually know, they were out.  Of course, I've hardly ever known where everyone is for years and it started to hit home to me that it has always been like this or has for a good while.  No one talks to me or tells me anything - it all comes as a big surprise to me.  Another reason I did put to Mrs. F. about why I was going, there are more like that.  I don't know why I beat myself up about it really.  

This week should see some positive moves anyway as we get to look seriously at some places and then go back and see if any progress is made on the property that looked like a bomb had hit it.  I hope that they may have done the right level of work on it so that we can say yes and get in ASAP.  The sooner the better in both our cases really.  I'd like to start moving stuff over and get in over the course of a few days and do a number of runs with my stuff to gradually get myself eased in.  As Mrs. F. is out during the day it makes it easier for me to come and go Monday to Friday.  I now need the impetus to get cracking with the business - it is taking longer than I wanted but in reality, I will just be a month or so later than I expected and I have time and inclination to get working and sorting stuff out.  

Declaration of Independence

I wonder if I ought to set out a Declaration of Independence or a Bill of Rights to put me on the right road to my Independence? :-)

We already uphold the 5th Amendment in the house anyway. LOL.

But seriously I was thinking along the lines of making sure I enjoy myself and get out and about.  I was having a series of dreams about actually getting out of the house and "doing something".  It's all too easy to be sat inside and do nothing and it would cost very little to get out and go for a walk around my local area here.  It's one of the best things - I have so many choices of walks and all within a few minutes.  I think I shall try and make sure that I do actually get out and about again like I did in the Summer of 2013.  The fresh air and just getting out of the house being the thing.

It depends on where we eventually end up too I suppose.  If it is the place we are asking them to negotiate for us then I think there should be some footpaths and walks around there too.  It's only 5 minutes from here by car so I can always head back and park up and go for a walk.  It isn't going to be that difficult.

I find myself looking forward to getting out of here and on a miserable day like today to be getting on with something even if it is the household chores.  I don't want to be working all the time, although I will have to put quite a bit of effort in at the beginning to build the business.  

I'm transitioning over the financials to my control - it's having a few interesting moments as I go through and change standing orders and direct debits, credit and debit cards etc.  All good fun.  There'll be loads of silly things I'll need to sort out like licences and vehicle registration, voting forms and so on.  Luckily some of these can be achieved on-line but my driving licence that I have managed to go without changing for 20 or more years now needs to be one of these new fangled EU type credit card ones - nightmare - another money spinner as you have to update it (like your passport) every 10 years and if you don't they fine you.  This country lives on sodding fines - they don't reward you for doing something but they are happy to wield a big stick in the other direction.  Bunch of faceless bureaucrats :-)

So - it's a boring Sunday, quiet at the moment but yet another storm coming in to add to the gales and rain we've had for about a month now I suppose.  I should be getting on with some accounts but my heart really isn't in it and I think it will be much better to target doing that tomorrow.  I know I have the whole day to do it with no one around to distract me.  Not that I get interrupted except by the imposed silences in the house.  :-)

Oh well - another quiet night in

It's like a game of Risk in some ways.  I came down from the office around 5 pm I wanted to watch the Ski Jumping (4 hills) and sat down watched that and a bit of the Luge World Cup, cooked some dinner and obviously I'd claimed the Living Room for I was undisturbed all night.  The place was quiet by 09:30 and the lights were out so just me then!  :-)

It's a funny old place here and the sooner I get out the happier I'll be because this is no life at all at the moment.  I'd like to go do some work on the business but my head isn't clear enough.  I make lots of notes and jot down ideas but only sporadically.  I note that I stay up late as well and it isn't helping.  I'll fall into bed again close to 2 am but I really should have been in bed before midnight.

I see the GP wants me to have a blood test and go see them.  I always used to have my test just before Christmas as it is the only time when you can actually get it done I find.  I shall see what sort it is - if it isn't fasting then I might go and do it but the fasting one is a farce and you can sit there for 2 or 3 hours and not get done.  They also want a review - that's OK but I'm already going there next week so I'll sort that out afterwards. I have 6 to 8 weeks to do that.  Actually it might be better to move it out a bit as I should be far calmer when I go.

I suppose we all have to deal with situations in our own way.  I was chatting to the Estate Agent who asked what the situation was like and she said she could have popped over to the house but I said that my wife was in and it was probably a good idea that I went to see her rather than she come around to my house.  Interesting - she saw the Jag and said "I knew you were rich".  What a funny thing to say!  The only thing I'm rich in and soon will be free to revel in that, is in life and in my friends.  Whilst I'd like the idea of having some more money - the bottom line is that I really want to live in a nice place and be happy.  That would be great.  I have enough money to be happy, I guess I could work on early retirement too if I wanted but still the bottom line is that as long as you are happy and comfortable, have good health and can feed yourself then your going to be OK.  Good old Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs.

The key to this is to work from the bottom upwards.  You need to have the bottom layer in place before you can build on that with the next one and so on.   You can see that in many ways Mrs. F. and I may well have the bottom part of the Pyramid but safety isn't there and neither are the others built on that.  Here lies Mrs. F.'s problem in that all of the top 4 have been ripped away.  For me I realise that I can rebuild this once I've moved our and on from where I am.  I can rebuild the safety side and then start to work on the others.  It's not all as easy as this but you can see how things can feel utterly desperate when at one time you had everything and now you know that all of that has, or will soon be, gone.