Friday, January 10, 2014

The Ups & Downs Of Splitting Up

It's a real roller coaster of emotions and reactions.  Yesterday was a case in point.  We looked at a number of potential houses to rent.  That's OK?  Sure it is.  But your mind races on to what will it be like and how will it work out.  Not that worrying about it will help but it just makes things any easier.  

I think I may just disappear off the radar for a short while and close down stuff that I don't use.  eBay being one that just p1sses me off.  You do get some stupid things on eBay and everyone wants "something for nothing" which appears to be a disease of the Internet connected world.  I find that these sorts of people drain your energy and bring you down.  So that can go now, it served its purpose and so that's fine.  I have some other similar accounts which I intend to go through and cull.  My email address will be changing too soon and so that will also help as if I miss any to shut down, the email will bounce too.

I really cannot get going on the business planning - I need space, time and inclination and to be in the "right mood" to do it.  The atmosphere here can easily be cut with a knife :-) The place is also cluttered full of packing boxes, bubble wrap and is untidy which doesn't suit my organised mind one bit :-) I think the move will resolve that as I will be in a space that's peaceful and tranquil without the dread of bumping into Mrs. F.  It's painful to both of us to be in each others presence.  So sad really that it's come to this, I feel sad writing this because I think it's a shame that as I know look back I did try a number of times to repair and change all this and it never succeeded.  How I hope that she gets over it and gets to the other side and moves on.  

Getting out of here will free her up as well as me I have no doubt.  To me it is one of those things that has been coming down the line like a slow motion train wreck - it was inevitable and the nearer it got the greater the feelings of dread, the depression and the angst and I realise now that so much of the problems I had after my brush with Cancer were additionally caused through, I suppose, the realisation that this would be the end point.  It was certainly in my mind that things had changed and that life wasn't going to be the same and that collateral damage had and would be a result of it all.  I had to be at home more often, I couldn't get away with working away or working all sorts of long hours.  It truly is, in hindsight, amazing the lengths I went to not to tackle the problem. 

It's all day by day stuff as people say it is and that time will heal and all these things are true but there also a point where it's a matter of, if you are changing your life, then you might as well go and change lots of things at the same time.  I can't be doing with lots of the things that I have in the past that now feel like baggage and so I'm sort of thinking that I may as well cut these loose too and move on.  It's a funny thing to say but I've wasted a lot of time avoiding the issues by signing up to internet sites and distracting myself.  They are time wasters and drains on me so they've got to go as has anything that doesn't actually do anything for my quality of life..

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