Moving On

 Reflecting on the past.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad really.  My daughter is running for CancerUK tomorrow - I've only just found out.  Super proud of her and have made a donation as she is running in memory of my dad. her grandfather and me.  That's touching. 

I spent last night and this morning listening to a playlist of music I made remembering 2013 and what it all meant to me.  The TV seemed to remind me that Sir Andy Murray won Wimbledon for the first time in 2013.  It was a year of two halves and mixed emotions as well as a seminal year as I met and lost the "love of my life" split with my wife of 32 years not related incidents BTW.  The latter had been on the cards for some years but I had waited until the children were grown up, ready to leave the nest so to speak and that I would not disrupt their University or Schooling.

The music is quite a thing as all the tracks are specific ones that she and I shared at the time and a few that reminded me of that time.  It is strange how I'm both emotional about that and appreciative if that makes sense.  I would have dropped everything to be with her, everything and my head was full of plans for the future but the main thing wasn't that it was how she made me feel, how it changed my life, how things could have been, what was important and in some ways I can look back with both a tear and a smile at the same time.  Imagine, if you will, a warm summer's day, near a river, a weeping willow tree, a picnic rug and two people lying there in the warmth of the day.  The temperature is just right, the insects are buzzing and humming but not near you, the river is smooth and just the odd fish surfacing.  Just a perfect day, the sort that you dream of and that is how it feels both then and now.

For that alone I should be thankful and not sad and yet, how perfect things would be if the outcome had been different?  It's all very Mills & Boon but that's exactly how I felt and when I look back how I remember the feeling.  For many reasons it could not be.  How I cursed my luck that having found someone that I'd give it all for, I was unable to complete the journey with them.

Oh well, poor me 😄 onward and upwards as the saying goes.  BUT, I'd give it all up right now if I could, love conquers all.  Somewhere else we are together, deliriously happy and living our best lives.  Lucky man, lucky couple, head over heels...

Eleven Years Today

The Hotel, the emotions, the symbolism, the love (yes the love).  Eleven years on and it didn't turn out the way this old romantic wanted it to.  It never could have, well I say never, perhaps in a parallel universe we are together.

It's nice, every now and then to reflect and remember with great fondness a magical time in my life when I was going through hellish times.  

I found the Cancer journey more of a mind problem and the 28th June 2013 was a brief release from all of that.  A chance of escape and dreamer that I am, it all looked so rosy and wonderful - a future of proper shared love and genuine interests shared but it was not to be.  

I was both elated and destroyed at the same time. Genuine connections and proper love but it was not to last through circumstances beyond my control.  I would have done anything at all to be with my Angel for the rest of my life.  However, not at their expense and it's best that the right thing to do was to part.  Very hard thing to do.

Do I?  Yes of course I do.  Reminiscing is lovely and painful.  Like today, a little anniversary of a very special time and it could have been like that forever. Yet, here I am reflecting on that wonderful time (for that's what I remember - not the disappointment) fully knowing it could and can never be.  I have another live now and that's where I am, in the now. 

Ugh The Claustrophobia Dream Again

 I know that it is a "learned" phobia but I've had this since I was a child, hate getting on crowded trains and buses and the Underground was a necessary evil; I abhorred that!   Crowded rooms, concerts, cinemas and sometimes it's fine and others I get panicky and sometimes I can breathe through it.

It was hot last night so I got permission to put my cooler on - it makes a bit of a noise I have to say and around two in the morning, there was one of the recurring dreams.  It isn't me going into a crowded space, it is this chap who has done it for years and squeezes himself into this cave system.  Startled awake it was very difficult to control the panicky feelings so I went downstairs to the big room and got a fan and slept fitfully in my chair.

It is pretty horrible having these dreams but I'm sure it was to do with how hot the room was on this occasion.  Having worked in temperatures around 19 C all my life (control rooms and computer rooms and offices) I keep my car A/C at 19 or sometimes lower and so that could have triggered things.

I didn't get treatment for this from my hypnosis friend and he's not around anymore so I might see if I can find someone to just deprogramme me.  It worked for smoking and also my fear of Hospitals and all the procedures (you may recollect I did this early on in this blog).  Here is the link https://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/hypnotherapy.html

I am hoping to work around it tonight somehow - if I'm not comfortable the big room beckons! 

Well I did it

 Interestingly, it was half forced as everyone arrived early so left before I thought I would.   The roads were pretty much quiet and I arrived to get the car washed and I was the only one there.  An interesting time, I've not done a car wash where the car is pulled through before.  It looks nice and shiny.

I'd calmed down by now and went an collected the cake I had made for my partner, it was in a nice quiet road and it looks great.  It also tastes great too.

Then off to the supermarket.  The car park was rammed and so I doubled back and went to the other big Supermarket - some idiots were trying to work out where to park and instead of driving around just blocked the entrance.  Undeterred I managed to get the party food and drinks, got into the car, headed back and was home in an hour.  

As usual, I didn't need to be that anxious and as long as I just take it as it is I'm sort of OK.

I cannot say that this dread feeling is anything other than my feeling down and also that I tend to be organised whereas everyone around me just seems not to plan anything (and they sort of get away with it).

Anyway, I got through it, we had a nice party and that's what matters. 

The strain of getting out of the house

 I've got two errands to do today.  I've got to pick up my partner's birthday cake and then get some party food.  Now it's about an hour to go before I set off and I feel queasy and a little bit anxious about going out.  It's strange I know but that's been a problem for a while now.

I really am having a bit of a strange time of it all.  I know I was seriously down last year and it is beginning to feel similar but not the same now.  It's a feeling of dread and uncertainty and if I am honest about it, I've started to question all sorts of things recently.  The whole lot you know, life, the universe, relationships, past stuff (which I know I shouldn't but the flashbacks aren't helping here) and mortality and so on.  

It's because nothing has changed in the past few years, nothing has moved on and I'm still where I was 7 years ago when we moved in to this house.

Anyway, when I get back I can organise this party and perhaps move on a bit.   I also wish I wasn't drinking so much again.  Got to keep that in check. 

Flashbacks, Fantasies, Meaningless Recollections

 I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been "quite right" this past year and possibly since April 2020 if I think about it.

Strange things are happening which I can attribute to my Ego a bit and to a strange feeling about my own morbidity.  I've realised that I am now OLD or so they say.  I see people of my age around me dying and suddenly to the front of my mind comes an acknowledgement that indeed, I've lived longer than I'm going to live and I am then haunted by these flashbacks and fantasies.

They are in general fond recollections of relationships I had and they are vivid memories, things I'd long forgotten but here's the strange thing, in those are regrets and what ifs.  By that I mean that I didn't do specific things then that I perhaps could have.  These take form all at once and then they stay with me for some days, the same scenario played over in various ways with the how I wanted it to be at the beginning then how it is at the end and also all the permutations that could have unfolded. 

Example:  A friend of mine that I have known since I was 15 or so.  She married another friend of mine and then divorced and is now married again.  When we were young she was very special to me and on one occasion we spent an innocent day where we just held hands and strolled in the summer sun and life was lovely and that's it.  Nothing else happened.  We all hung around together and she was involved with my friend and that was it.

The dream sequence goes along the line that we are at an unidentified friend's funeral.  She and I are chatting and quite suddenly she turns towards me and sees my (quite clearly affectionate) expression and asks "how long have you felt like this?" I look rather shyly at her and state "Since that day we held hands when we were teenagers."  What goes on from there varies from finally we get together to her being unable to leave her husband to a series of what if scenarios about maybe I should have just said something at the time.

Example: A daydream will flash before me and it is my girlfriend and I in our white clothes (you have to be a 70s couple) going out to the beach and she and I are great together.  Both of us are fit, thin, healthy, young and we've got great skin and the world at our feet and it all fell apart a few months later - work circumstances and so we went separate ways.  You can't unfix life but things would have been different if we had different circumstances.  She was lovely, very sweet and the odd dreams then play around with timelines and what ifs.  I go back to some of our adventures, the car I had the journeys and the fun times but why is this happening?  What on earth does it achieve?

None of these things can ever be, there's no chance of me getting back together with something that happened more than 40 years ago. So what is my brain trying to achieve with all this stuff.  It isn't just the dream it's the feeling - I can feel the sun on my body, the breeze, the exhilaration and so on.

Each dream moves on to make room for another after a few days or up to a week in some cases.  My recent one about my "Angel" is vivid, romantic, tearful and sad and exhilarating at the same time.  She made a huge impact on me, perhaps of anyone I've ever known.  Such intensity of feelings in such a short time, so madly in love and yet the whole relationship was doomed from the start.  Being human and not a calculating machine makes you overlook the impossibility of the situation but yet it happened and it was amazing.  INTJs are rubbish at that sort of relationship normally.  So I flash back to the music, the wait to meet each other, the melding of our minds and bodies.  The days were fantastic, I was transported to a place where I was completely connected to my surroundings and I spent ages in the golden wheat fields and then the shady woods.

This is happening now, it is as if I am replaying these moments and then regretting that things turned out like they have.  You can't go back, things cannot change from the way they are.  What would I do if they could change?  Would we get back together and what damage would that cause to life today and there is the whirlpool in my head smashing all these relationships, feelings, ideas, fantasies and outcomes together mashing up a thousand outcomes to every possible nuance saying "what if" this or that happened.

So I don't really get what is going on.  I think that I am having some sort of sorting it out moment.  I'm not sure things are good at the moment.  I am certainly not in a great place for sure.  Maybe it's something that is deeper, maybe my brain/body know something and I'm just too stupid to have figured it out (another INTJ issue BTW).  Yes, maybe it's something that the rest of me has worked out and my head just hasn't caught up with.

Embracing Life After Beating Bladder Cancer

I thought I'd us AI to write this for me.  It's pretty good.... 

A Journey of Resilience and Hope

18 years ago, the world turned upside down when the diagnosis of bladder cancer was confirmed. The road ahead seemed daunting, filled with uncertainty and fear. Every day was a battle, a constant struggle to face the challenges that came with the diagnosis. But today, 2 years on from receiving the all-clear, there is a sense of victory, a feeling of freedom and gratitude that fills the heart.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

The journey through bladder cancer is not just physical but also emotional. The initial shock of the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown, and the grueling treatments can take a toll on even the strongest of souls. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, with moments of despair and hope intertwined, creating a whirlwind of feelings that can be overwhelming.

Finding Strength in Resilience

Despite the challenges and the uncertainties that come with battling cancer, there is a strength that emerges from within. It's the resilience to keep fighting, the courage to face each day with a positive outlook, and the determination to never give up. It's this resilience that propels individuals forward, pushing them to overcome the obstacles that come their way.

Cherishing Every Moment

After facing the darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis, every moment of normalcy feels like a blessing. The simple joys of everyday life, the laughter shared with loved ones, and the beauty of the world around us seem to shine brighter than ever before. It's a reminder to cherish every moment, to live fully and embrace life with open arms.

The Power of Hope

Hope is a powerful force that can light up even the darkest of days. It's the belief that better days are ahead, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem. Holding onto hope can provide the strength needed to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and to never lose sight of the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

Looking to the Future

As the journey continues beyond the all-clear, there is a sense of optimism for the future. Each day is a gift, an opportunity to create new memories, to pursue dreams that may have seemed out of reach before. It's a chance to live life to the fullest, to savor every moment, and to find joy in the little things that often go unnoticed.

In conclusion, the journey of battling bladder cancer is filled with challenges, but it is also a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's a journey of hope, of strength, and of embracing life with gratitude and joy. Despite the obstacles that may come our way, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, waiting to guide us towards a future filled with endless possibilities.

Time Wasting

Maybe I've earned a gold medal in procrastination! I have these cycles where I'm a productivity machine, and then...well, let's just say my couch becomes super comfy.

The good news is, I know the antidote: baby elephant bites! You can't conquer a giant task all at once, but you can chip away at it bit by bit. Today, I took that first bite by getting a haircut (long overdue!). It might seem small, but it's a win!

My goal? Tackle a quarter of my to-do list each day. That feels achievable, and progress is motivating! Here's to slaying procrastination, one small step at a time!

Here We Go Again

 After a week of activity I once again find myself sitting here, at my PC doing the square root of sweet Fanny Adams!  I cannot get myself motivated to do things, I'm organised and disorganised all at the same time!  I want to do something but I can't

Went out yesterday to a pub, had a beer or two then promptly on the way home picked up a load of beer and had a few more and now I feel bad about that as I sort of promised myself not to do that.

I've a list of things to do but I am just not getting round to doing them.  I've done the house things I said I'd do but now there's a list as long as my arm to do.  I just feel like doing nothing once again.  It's annoying as this procrastination is just getting me nowhere.  I'd really, really like to get off my arse and do something but cannot be bothered.  Then I reflect late in the afternoon about the things I could have done and beat myself up for not doing them.

So, I'm going to see if I can pop out of this rut, the biggest rut you have to get out of is the one you are in as an old friend once told me.

Well lets' see how it goes - I know there's the problem and I'm just not dealing with it! 

Glimpsing My Angel

 Of all the loves of my life, one shines through.  My life was turned upside down and indeed, I'm where I am today because of the experience.

It wasn't to be, it probably never was to be but it happened and it freed my mind and broke down the pretty awful place I was in back then.  It's eleven years ago now, about this time of year and we had an intense yet brief time.  I don't want to say too much about that except how it made me feel.  For once in my life I was able to shake off all the crazy stuff in my head and just enjoy life.  Walking through the golden corn fields near my house a little later on in the year it was as if I was connected to the fields of gold (cue Sting song LOL).  

I walked through the woods and around the country park a lot, through the fields, through the tunnel of trees, past the church, had coffee at the local cafe and a cheeky beer or two at the village pub.  It seemed that the sun was always out and when we met, the magic was amazing.  Just thinking about it now tingles my senses and I get quite emotional remembering those precious moments we had together.  The intensity of those moments was amazing.

But it wasn't to be and within 5 months it was all over and the pain was awful.  It didn't help that I'd decided to leave my wife and start divorce proceedings and yet that wasn't a result of one thing it had been on the cards for years but I just hadn't done anything about it.

I randomly saw a post yesterday with her in it, looking exactly as I remember her.  She had a way of looking directly at the camera as if only looking at me.  My heart raced and I flashed back to our times at the "secret garden" and the lakes, the country park, the country pub we met in and the messages and phone calls and the amazing time we had.

I think she is happy and I content myself that having met this amazing woman, having spent just a short time with her, loved her unconditionally and shared more of myself than anyone else has experienced, that she will continue to do so.  That she will continue her journey free and full of life.  I'd like to think that she thinks about me once in a while.  I think about her quite often when I reflect on how lucky I was to meet her, share a little time with her but it is her humanity and goodness that I love more than anything.  She has the most engaging smile, she has a keen sense of humour but behind those wonderful eyes (you have to see them as to me they twinkle) is someone who you can feel being in the presence of, who cares deeply and who loves life and everyone in it.

I really miss her and I often wonder whether those romantic dreams of country living and carefree wind blown seaside walks would ever have come about?  

Still Coughing Away Here

 I've had this cold for almost two weeks now.  It's just one of those strange ones, possibly a Covid type thing as I keep coughing and its like I had in 2019 it just doesn't go away.

In other news, I am working on changing my lifestyle a bit more as I really need to get out of the rut I'm in at the moment.  I was in a bad way last year and I came out of that but I'm really not firing on all cylinders although I am getting things done around the house.

Diet I know is one of the things I need to change and I've started that now.  I need to change all sorts of habit including drinking.  I was having a beer or "just having a beer" a little too foten - only in the evenings but even so - it was getting a little out of hand and so I've packed that in altogether for now and I'll work on strategies to minimise drinking - the problem is, I do enjoy a beer but they are full of carbs and liquid bread as they say.

Hopefully I will start to see improvements in weight loss and feeling a bit less sluggish.

And, Just Like That, You're Old

Today, I suddenly felt old.  I got Bladder Cancer in my late 40s and it wasn't until I was in my mid 60s that they signed me off.  17 Year it was and it flashed by when looking back on it.  So much happened and here I am, divorced now with a new partner, new house and it just hit me that I no longer have the energy and stamina I once had.  I look old.  A look in the mirror sort of provides a shocking image back to me.  My hands have started to shake, not all the time, but occasionally and  this cold I caught is still here, over a week later.

I now really think things through before I do them.  I've been active this week in between coughs but I need to take more breaks, be more aware of health and safety. Going up and down ladders, picking up heavy objects that sort of thing.  

Then you have friends dying, celebrities dying younger than you and you're more aware of your own mortality.

Strangely enough, I don't feel any older I just notice it more that's all.  I recollect my father's words to me "Don't get old, son"

But here we are, nothing I can do about it except accept it and just get on doing my thing. 

Cold - A Little Unusual

 This is the strangest of colds.  I felt fine late yesterday afternoon and watched some TV and then went to bed.  10 minutes in I started coughing and it was the sort of cough, cough, cough that never clears your throat. Neither was it the sort of thing that could be called tickly although it is today!  I had a bad night's sleep and blow me, after an hour of feeling rough this morning I felt better!

Now, this afternoon I've started coughing again and have a nagging little headache thing going on too.  For someone who rarely (these days) suffers from such things it is a bit annoying.  

I'm going to give it another try tonight and do some Lemsip before bed and see if I can shift it.  It will be a week today that I've caught it and it just hasn't gone away but fades and gets worse in random ways.

Cold From Hell? Thank Your Grandchildren

Something "going around" they say. Indeed.... well I have it and it is most unpleasant as it has those traditional Flu type symptoms mixed in with a cold, sore throat, sneezing, coughing - in fact just about every symptom you can imagine including the headache, muzziness and brain fog.   

"A Ha!, Covid!!" they exclaim but it isn't like that at all as far as I can tell anyway and I'm not buying a lump of plastic to tell me I've got a cold either - when did you ever need a test for that FFS.

So I'm not impressed as I've had this for about 5 days now.  It's bad in the mornings and then late afternoon I feel fine, I go to bed but then I'm coughing, breathing through my mouth as my nose is blocked and every now and then a bout of sneezes to top it all off.

I'm going hot all over as I write this so will take off my fleece because I felt cold this morning.  June is surprisingly cold for summer so far.

Anyway, whoever had a winter cold in summer?  It could remotely be Hay Fever but not with so many symptoms and whilst my eyes feel a bit tired they aren't sore like I sometimes get.

It is also debilitating - trying to do anything physical is exhausting and I'll need a break after writing this.  My hands ache and staring at the screen is also tiring.

Anyway, I know who to thank for this cold although he has no real signs of it apart from the cough.  Also, he's far too sweet to blame him LOL! 

D-Day 80 years ago

 I have just written an article about someone I knew who never mentioned he was involved in D-Day.  It was not until we attended his funeral that it was mentioned in his eulogy.  As a young man aged just 19, he piloted a landing craft running men and equipment into the beaches on the momentous day.

He never spoke about it.  Just imagine what bravery you'd need to do that and how being so young, what horrors and images you saw.  

Amazing, brave men all of them and our they fought for our future.  It's a pity that today's 19 year olds would give it all away without thought. 

Election Incoming

 The late Labour MP, Tony Benn, had a very good observation about politics:

"In the course of my life I have developed five little democratic questions. If one meets a powerful person--Adolf Hitler, Joe Stalin or Bill Gates--ask them five questions: “What power have you got? Where did you get it from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable? And how can we get rid of you?” If you cannot get rid of the people who govern you, you do not live in a democratic system."

So here we are, a snap election and the main parties are lying through their teeth, putting up smoke and mirror type arguments, coming up with totally unworkable policies and talking about POWER.  They don't want to do what they are meant to do they want, and they openly state it, POWER!

We, the public do not seem to realise what Tony Benn's words actually mean.  The answer to every question he sets is US or ME.  It only works because we let them and these people are meant to be our servants.  It's only that I don't want to sell my soul to become a politician that I vote for someone else to do it.  They think they have a right to govern over me but hold on, that's not how it is meant to work at all.  But here we are, again and again.

Why we put up with this two party system, these useless managers who would never be able to hold down a real job is beyond me.  To quote Edmond Blackadder, "I wouldn't trust any of them to sit the right way up on a toilet!".

The great British public perhaps do not understand that these "Politicians" govern BY CONSENT that's the deal and if you take away your consent, en masse, then what will they do?  We need to become ungovernable and we need to beak the system so it does what we want it to do.

I like that most of my friends think that I am a Conservative and yet whilst I lean towards those principles I find that we live in a world where the tail wags the dog so to speak.  The minority have a major say in how the majority live and that, is not the way it works although it does at the moment.  There will be a reckoning as I recollect the bullies at School all got their comeuppance in one way or another.  There's always a bigger fighter and revenge by victims make take many years but it often times occurs.  I'll leave that there but eventually karma has a way of resolving these things.

In business too, the incompetent and useless managers get found out albeit some wiggle their way up and out many will eventually (not fast enough for me) be rewarded for their bad deeds.  It takes just one of their charges to expose things but it can't be done in the way I'd like but by stealth works well generally and the satisfaction to see the mighty fallen is emblematic of "revenge is a dish best served cold." 

Where am I going with this?  The "people" whinge and moan and yet they perpetuate the state of politics and do not have the courage (or the wit perhaps) to do something different.  I have in the past few elections.  If everyone withdrew their consent it would be interesting - I cannot for a million years imagine it would happen as people are terrified of a labour Government and would hold their noses and vote for Conservatives.  The Greens and Lib Dems have shown themselves to be two sandwiches short of a picnic with bonkers plans made to make us all poorer.  Socialism the way they operate it would soon bankrupt us all.

You can spoil your ballot paper - it gets counted as a spoiled vote and so when they state the results these are also noted.  I see one other person and I did this in a recent council election!  It's not enough of us.  There maybe a protest vote available to Reform party but we wait to see whether this will happen.  Unfortunately there are no charismatic leaders and nothing inspiring at all in these corrupt, worthless, morally bankrupt people.

Perhaps the great British public will awaken from their slumbers and actually do something. I doubt it though.  

The Hokey Cokey. What if that really IS what it is all about?

SO, what's it all about?  Funny isn't it?  Life that is.  I wondered about this as we had a Dog attack on the Sheep in our field at the back of us on Monday night and a Sheep died, leaving a couple of Orphan Lambs and my neighbour went up to confirm what had happened, I rang the Shepherd to tell him the bad news.

The dog owner disappeared.  She let her dog loose and it killed a sheep - I'm sure it is the same dog as the day before that scattered the Sheep all over the place.

People sometimes p1ss me right off.  It's the dog's nature but people, who own and look after dogs, are complete arseholes to let their dog off a lead when livestock are about.  Their dog can get shot for bothering livestock too.  I think the owner should be shot (I know we aren't allowed to) but it is hardly the dog's fault now is it? But they'd be the one destroyed if found.

So this person has run away almost certainly knowing that they have caused a fatality and the Shepherd has lost a Sheep, has two orphaned Lambs to do something with and has the expense and trauma involved.  My neighbours and I also have some trauma to deal with too.  They didn't stop to talk to the Shepherd as they knew that their dog could be destroyed, no compensation for him and all the trouble he's had to breed and look after his flock.  UTTER GITS these people. 

If I see the person again I will take a photo and challenge them.  It's not the first time this dog has run through the field.

These are probably the same people who, by law must pick up their dog's faeces and place in a bag but instead of taking it home or putting it in a provided dog bin decided to flick the bag into the Hedgerow where perhaps some animal might ingest it and die painfully (horses are particularly prone to do this I understand) and what posses these people to come into the countryside and do such things?  Have they no idea what they are doing.  I'm getting fed up of picking up plastic water bottles and cans, crisp packets, MacDonald's packaging, removing dog poo bags and so on.  

I want to yell "WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!" at these pitiful excuses of human beings.  You just know these are the one preaching "Environmentalism, Electric Cars, Solar Panels, Save the Whales" and all that sh1t.  Proselytising virtue signalling WANK*RS the bloody lot of them.  

Anyway, why are these people allowed to exist in this world?  Why do they do so much damage to the environment around them whilst virtue signalling everyone else that they are the planet's custodians. Hypocritical Bastards!  

World Leading Health Service

 Yes, I kind of owe my life to the NHS (National Health Service) BUT, since COVID it's all turned to sh1t.  I was speaking to a number of older gentlemen last week and one went to the Doctor who sent him directly to A&E.  He spent 18 hours and then overnight in a chair there.  He's had tests and scans and has been back three times each time lasting more than 8 hours.

So why didn't the Doctor's surgery deal with it?  I don't know.  Then another chap was stating how long he waited and it's a recurring thing.   Only the Press think we have a world class service.  If you criticise them you get pilloried and then you hear the Politicians stating that they are "investing" more.  It takes £1/2 Billion a day to run now!  1 in every 22 people in the UK works in the health service!  Throwing money at it doesn't work and no one wants to tackle what's at the bottom of it all.  

They don't actually concentrate on patients at all.  They say don't privatise it but perhaps if it were it would run properly.  Whenever I've been to a private hospital the difference is amazing.  Unbelievably you get seen on time, greeted with a coffee or tea and looked after, kept informed and it's almost like being in a hotel!  Totally different.  It's been decentralised and because previous administrations played a little blinder by selling off the premises and renting them back to the NHS it costs a fortune to run.  Little stock control and appallingly bad management have meant that they concentrate on navel gazing and spreadsheet management and are not "customer focused" that is where the problem lies.  Too busy making sure the planet isn't boiling over - 138 climate change senior director/managers, inclusion officers, HR types and all that malarkey.  There's jobs for the boys everywhere.  

Add to that the waste and incompetence displayed and the useless systems that don't appear to work properly (remember they sent me to the wrong Hospital and then had the temerity to strike me off the list for non attendance at an appointment - knowing full well as I spoke to them - they had sent me to the wrong place).  When you get there, there's no where to park, you have to pay to park and it's a bit rich if you don't know how long you will be, if you get delayed you get a fine for overstaying your allotted parking time.

Having worked there and been a patient, I have seen first hand the level of service and it needs to change but no one has the balls or the inclination to change it.  All the time they spend out money making the mistakes and out money trying to put those right whilst programming in even greater failures to come.  

I really hope that I will not need these people.  It is ludicrous that we have to settle for such poor service and it is getting worse and not better. 

Stranger Times

I'm thinking that I am going through some strange things at the moment.  I am steering clear of TV and limiting Social Media exposure as much as possible.  I have caught myself having too much to drink and so I've stopped that altogether.  I love the taste of beer, always have done but I think having 2 or 3 pints a night isn't perhaps really that good for me.

The Sheep have arrived in the field behind us.  Nice to see new life bouncing around and joyful.  I need to remind myself to be more like that if possible.  I'm actually in this sort of waiting for God stage.  Friends dying, mortality staring me in the face and I suddenly realise that if I pop my clogs now, there'll be a bit of a mess to clear up with all these accounts and things so I need to go a bit morbid and make some sort of arrangements to make things easier.  I don't think that will be soon but you never know.  There are people younger than me dying all around me and it sort of gets you thinking.

Then there's stuff.  All the stuff lying around that I have no idea what it is doing here.  Will I ever use it?  Is it ever going to be useful?  Can I do without it?  That sort of thing.  It's a strange old thing having a reflective period, looking back on my life, for no especial reason but listening to certain songs takes me right back to various times in my life and things I did etc.  

In all of this the one thing that seems missing now is the wonder, the excitement, the life I had back then.  Getting a house, doing it up, my first car, going to gigs, girls, playing in the band, going out, having fun, College, the jobs I did and all that seemed so much more alive and exciting back in the 70s.  Ho Hum.  I need to recapture this for my retirement and do things that I always wanted to do if I had the time. Now I have the time, it is filled with banality and hum drum maintenance tasks.  The couple of granddad trips I did recently were perhaps the right things.  Days at the Zoo, Steam Trains, Diggerland and so on.  

I wonder if I actually need to work on these.  I don't feel much like doing them until I do them and then it is alright.  

Strange Thing That - I Cannot Remember

 This is strange - 2021 and 2022 weren't great and 2023 was pretty bad for me - I think it was all the Covid Sh1t frankly.  I was on and off not well although I only had Covid the twice (I think).

Strange is that I am doing some accounts for two separate entities and there are payments I have made into those accounts that I can find no records for at all.  I see I have made payment from my personal account into the club accounts but not why.  In all other cases I can see my usual notes and records showing what payments are made, who they are for and so on but in three cases now in 2022 are payments with no tag on them, no data at all!

I know they were bad years as I let go the reins on a few things but my mind is a total blank on what these payments were for.

It's got me worried as I have a very good memory and I'm also relatively good at keeping tabsl on things.  I'd better watch what I'm doing I think.  .  

A-Ha!  Well a good night's sleep and a quick look at my calendar revealed that I banked the payments for an event we attended (charity raffle) and for me having a guest at a meeting but unusually I had not entered it on to the control sheet but onto the dining plan!  DOH!!!  So all is well, I just didn't put the information where I usually do! 

To Social Media or not?

 I actually think it has been good for me not to be on Twitter (X) or Facebook for a while.  I am feeling a lot better than I was - Twitter can be a very dark place and can lead you into some pretty unpleasant things although it's not all like that of course.  Facebook is a bit of a cesspit likewise and so I only go on there to see how my close friends and family are doing and wish happy birthday, anniversary and so on.

I was asked to go back on mainly because of my jokes and the like but I think I will do that intermittently.  I'm keeping clear if I can of TV too and the news is - I am sure - designed to make you feel down too.

But here's the thing.  I posted this yesterday and suggested people take a break from Facebook etc.

This short film by Steve Cutts excellently demonstrates why to give your tech a rest.  Also it has Yann Tierson's excellent Amelie soundtrack running throughout.

It's worth considering just giving yourself a break or limiting your time on Social Media if you start to find, like I did last year, quite desperate and down about things.  Dark times last year and I'm gradually getting out of it but I'm still not really feeling great about going  out and doing things.  Forced myself to go to some things that I'd rather not do.  

I have found that doing three or four projects around the house has helped me to feel better about myself and also added to a sense of being useful and productive.  

Active Therapy

 Had some ups and downs this last week but I have found that getting on and doing something has helped quite a bit.

I re-did the electric gates with new improved arms and control panel albeit it's never straightforward is it?  The Post has got a little slanted due to all the wind bashing against  the gates.  So I had to wedge that and I'll need to keep my eye on it.  I've strimmed the whole back lawn - just the front and side to do to complete.  The new LED Lighting is ready to be installed in the snug.  The mirror film for privacy has also been installed and the Bow Window repaired and added support brackets (Who puts in windows and doesn't put in the support brackets FFS?).

I've made an illuminated back box frame for the Stained Glass Window we had spare and used levelling feet but horizontally to fix it into the Chimney Alcove.  It looks great.

So I have been busy as you like which has stopped me doing the inward thinking that's been going on.  I am running through bits of my life that may have turned out differently.  My Angel from 2013 was on my mind then someone from the 1990s who I knew very well and just lost touch with.  There's I suppose the everything happens for a reason or that sort of thing but I don't know about that.  The mind likes playing "what if" and some of it is I suppose to do with the ego trying to get back in control.

I dreamt that I met with a girl I knew when I was 16.  She went on to marry a friend of mine, then they got divorced and she married again.  I don't see her often and perhaps exchange a message once a year or so.  In the dream we meet at some event Wedding/Funeral that sort of thing and she looks me directly in my eyes and her face changes and she says "Oh no, how long have you loved me?"  I say "Since that first day I met you and you held my hand on that late summer walk."  

That my friends is the ego trying to get control of me.  Recognising it as such will stop the pain but the underlying element of truth in that dream is real.  

Getting Out and About

 I is a difficult thing to explain if you've not experienced it but being an INTJ type doesn't help in the first place, getting ill when I did, pushed me further towards not enjoying things (like driving my car, going on a train, going inside crowded places) and last year's out of nowhere Black Dog episodes didn't do me any good at all really.

I much prefer my own company and doing introvert things.  I lack certain empathetic traits.  Someone asked me how my other half was and I said OK but totally forgot to ask how their other half was.  I'm like that all the time.  I'm not being rude but it isn't in my programming to ask such things.  It isn't really relevant to me. 

This week I have actually been out twice and tonight makes it three times!  That's more than I would do in a month.  In fact we are also going out on Sunday too so four times in a week. It's almost unheard of.  Driving into South London was interesting not having done that journey for at least 20 years I'd say.  It's changed beyond belief and is fraught with strange road layouts and crazy London Drivers.  As I was one years ago it was easier for me to drive and my passengers didn't want to drive themselves.  I don't blame them it's sh1t for cure.  Anyways, a good day out and one I enjoyed seeing some superb Victorian engineering at Crossness Engines Trust . It was of great interest to me as I worked at Kempton and Chelsea Pumping Stations when I was a junior project engineer installing electric pumps to supplement the diesel ones they were using.  The Victorian architecture and engineering are staggering in their beauty and functionality.

It's cost me extra money as the Mayor charged me for the privilege of driving in the Sh1t hole that London has become under him.  IN fact twice this week I've had to stump up £12.50 to take my car over some imaginary fairy land border where as you cross it the air quality somehow changes!   It's utter bollocks but there you go.  It's annoying that I can't vote in the mayoral elections.  Taxation without representation indeed.

Anyway, onward, I'm out again tonight and Sunday and what's good about that is I'm not sitting at home in front of my PC and I'm meeting people again.  That helps when you are trying to get away from having your head invaded by the Black Dog(s) and it helps to bring some normality back to me life.  I am accepting invites but don't really want to but I realise that it will do me good just to get out and about so I'm forcing myself to do things.

I've a lot of projects to complete too which will keep me busy around the house and stop me slipping back into my inwardly reflecting natural mode of operating.

If you are feeling down, do try and get out.  It actually helps once you get past the "con't be bothered" stage. 

Anger - Where it gets you?

 Nowhere.  You knew that didn't you?  I've just been explaining to someone that I've got a problem with a supplier and they have had delay after delay.  I could get angry or accept that it is what it is and deal with it.  What would me getting angry actually do?  A momentary release of pent up annoyance I suppose but would it help the situation?  Probably not.  The supplier might just refuse to sort things out or walk away.  That's not what I want, I want my goods.

So get rid of your anger, think it through and approach it in a way that they will feel that they will be able to finally deliver for you.  They aren't being obviously obstructive, they are sorry that things haven't worked out as expected and so I can work with them or we go and have a fight.

It;s easier to make your point and then solicit cooperation to actually get to where you want to be.  Both parties "win" so to speak, a Win/Win situation.  Whilst it isn't ideal, it promotes good will and what do you ever get by being angry or having some sort of altercation?  You just get entrenchment and disillusionment, resentment and the like.

Getting Stuff Done

 I don't know if you have trouble getting stuff done?  I never used to but for perhaps 10 to 15 years now I have let procrastination into my life and as a Project Manager / Programme Director type it is pretty awful.

I often wonder what I am doing sitting at my PC when I could be out or doing something and breaking the social media cycle seems to have helped a bit.  Today I managed to get a number of web articles finished that I started two months ago.  All I needed was 30 minutes and the job was done.

Getting stuff done around the house is the main problem I have.  I just don't seem to get myself charged up enough to begin with but slowly it is turning around. I got stuck into repairing and stabilising my Bow Window - put in without proper Gallows Brackets that I have now installed and I've repaired most of the wood and treated it.  

There are lots of things to do and the key thing is to get started on them and then I can work through it. I'm retired no FFS so should have the time to do these things.

Anyway, as the cycle of procrastination breaks down stuff begins to get achieved and success breeds success as they say so let's see how it goes. 

Should I Go Back To Social Media

 Yes, OK, I'm doing Social Media here I know but what I meant was do I go back to Twitter (X) and Facebook?

Spoke to a friend who says they miss me not being on Facebook and all my jokes and the like.  I'm having a think about it.  I found that I got "Involved" to much and it actually affected me - especially Twitter and all the stories on there.  Neither are real reflections on life though, are they?  What do you reckon, 10% maximum I'd say are on there and I'm sure the rest are trolls and bots.

I think I'll bide my time and might test the water and limit myself to a once a week login.  

Tinnitus Update

It is strange that the Tinnitus disappeared and now is back again but it comes and goes now.  If I do the exercises I can make it vanish for a while or even days at a time and sometimes, I only notice it when I think about it, like right now as I write this.

It sounds very strange if you don't suffer from it I guess.  Overall though the volume of the high pitched screeching in my head is much lower now and so there's quite a relief that I was able to finally find something that worked, albeit intermittently.

I am hoping that I will continue to have this reduction in the sound and volume and the periods of quiet are to be treasured.  There's nothing quite like trying to get some quiet time without thought to just relax than to have the high pitched screeching in the background preventing you from doing so.  

I Don't Know, I Don't Watch It Anymore

 Apparently lots of Programmes and People (Actors/Presenters etc) are getting "called out" for wokeness in their programming and it's becoming quite prominent now for headlines to say "people" are outraged, switching off, boycotting etc.

I don't know because I gave up watching these programmes when they turned into preaching mouthpieces and spouted bollocks as truth.  Living in the country the programme Countryfile has as little to do with the country as is possible these days.  What used to be an interesting watch has now become awful from what I understand.  I gave up when every other sentence was climate change this or climate change that and it was total bollocks and no once was it substantiated.  Sure they say that some animal population decreased by x% but didn't actually give the study that was made by (I don't think you can rely on pressure groups to give you accurate figures as they too are woke and have self interest).  So you can add Spring Watch, Summer Watch, Autumn Watch and Winter Watch which are likewise presented as informative programmes but once again, misleading data is provided.   The nature programmes, your David Attenborough's and the like are interspersed with gloom and doom and so on and whilst I appreciate that habitat is under pressure, you are more interested in blaming humans than actually doing something about it.

If they spent time sorting out those problems rather than trying to work out how to dim our star or reduced the 420 parts per million yes 412/1,000,000 of CO2 then we can see someone is actually wanting to do something about it.  

My dears, electric cars and all that Heat Pump crap will not solve the problem if indeed there actually is a problem.

So I gave up watching these programmes and only choose a very few to watch now and even those are getting less as these complete idiots seem to appear forcing their opinions onto me as fact and the tail wagging the dog strikes again.

They wonder why people are switching off their TVs - I did so a long time ago and so it makes me laugh when the newspapers state that so and so has been accused of being "X" as I haven't got a clue who these people are and that's great - it kills a conversation off nicely when you hear some sort of whinge and you just say "Who?" 

I am glad I no longer watch the TV any more - it looks like it infested with people who probably have to be told which way to sit on a toilet!

Some People

 Don't react like you'd think they would.  I've done a big favour for someone and I've asked to review what happens next.  Favour was meant to last a year, it's now 16 months and I'm still doing whatever it is I'm doing.

You'd have thought that I was some sort of evil mastermind the way I got treated.  It's the wrong time, look at what I've done for you (yet I'm the one doing the favour) and so on.

It's irritating for sure and makes me question helping people out but that's what I do and I've done it before and no doubt will do it again.  I can't help but feeling that as has happened in the past, I get the kick in the teeth for being kind and helpful!  You can't win and it is just so disappointing that we cannot have a grown up conversation and deal with it, it's not as if I'm asking for the favour back!

These Things Happen

 Accidents happen, things get broken, humans make mistakes and it happens to everyone.

It's a fact of life that things go wrong, perhaps service isn't quite up to standard, things break and delays to deliveries happen.  But is there any need to get angry and annoyed and stressed out about them?

We had an incident with a meal at a restaurant where there was a dead Slug in one of our dishes.  We got the staff member to come over, don't rant and rave about it, point out the obvious issue with the food and then see what the resolution will be.  The Manager was horrified (rightly so) and took the meal away, offered a replacement free of charge and also not pay for the spoiled meal either.  Let's face it, they had one job, they failed to deliver and they sorted it out straight away.  We dealt calmly with the situation, they dealt professionally with it and they apologised and offered a speedy resolution that we were happy with.

This is exactly the way to deal with all such things and we would have got nowhere by making a big fuss in the restaurant in front of other customers and neither was that have been necessary because things like this happen despite our best efforts things do go wrong.  So why do some people explode into a rage when the smallest thing goes wrong?  Well, I'll let you read about that in 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle who witnessed one such problem when he was out once.  

I imagine Chef got a bollocking for turning out a Vegetarian Dish with "protein" in it LOL.  I also imagine that they would have looked to have a process in place to resolve the issue in the future.  It was a costly mistake and can have repercussions on the reputation of the establishment.  When I paid the bill I also made sure that I went to see the manager, thanked her for resolving things quickly and gave a tip to the staff who served us - it wasn't their fault and they dealt well with a situation I doubt happens a lot.  If you are dealt with properly, it is only courteous and good manners to recognise their actions (and their obvious embarrassment) and reassure them that all is well.

I remembered "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and to my mind, not enough people stop, take a breath, count to 10 slowly and then open their mouths.  You often hear people ranting on and getting all heated and about what exactly?  What did they resolve?  Often they make themselves look ignorant, stupid, thick idiots they truly are.  

Yelling and shouting never leads to a satisfactory outcome in these cases.  Calmness and logical discussion will resolve it and when you are calm you can actually formulate good cases for problems to be resolved in your favour.  Some equipment I had has gone wrong and I was offered (because it is just out of warranty) a replacement at a discount.  The question was though, if the item I had now failed just outside of warranty, what guarantee would they provide that replacing it with an identical item would return a better outcome than what has already resulted from using identical equipment?   So now I have a different resolution by asking a quite obvious question that in the heat of the moment may have been missed by me.  I've now been offered upgraded items at a much greater discount.  I could argue about the Specification and all that but it is just out of warranty and that wouldn't get me anywhere.  

Sh1t happens as they say, all we need to do is to deal with it rationally and thoughtfully and also realise that we are dealing with a fellow human who (if it is there fault) may be embarrassed about it.  Always put yourself in their shoes and treat them how you would want to be treated.  

Make up your mind

 Tinnitus that is.   It's back, not loud but back but then I've not been well for a few days and it is possibly because of this weird head cold.   I'm pretty certain I got it like a chill as I was outside enjoying a sunny afternoon when a squall came through and dumped rain and then hail onto me and with it a bitterly cold wind for around 10 to 15 minutes and I wasn't anywhere near shelter so just had to ride it out.

Once I'd dried out, driven home and gone to bed then I really had a bad night's sleep, a dry throat requiring lots of liquid and a deep around-your-eyes sort of headache.  Getting up, I went downstairs and I slept for two days and didn't eat for almost all that time and just sweated it out with some Lemsips and plenty of water.

Just about OK now but the tinnitus has returned albeit it in the distance, nowhere near as loud as it used to be.

Note to self if going out enjoying the riverside and spring sun, remember that this is the UK and it's as likely to be four seasons in a day as it is to be fine!

Letting YOur Guard Down Unsteady Progress

 Mmm, Tinnitus came back last night and this morning and whilst I've sort of half fixed it, it isn't responding to the treatments for some reason.  It could be that I am a little uptight again today and I shouldn't need to be but things just happen like that occasionally and you've got to just work your way past them.

I find that the silliest things can throw me off course and then I have to settle myself down and reset my mind and I can move on from there.

I have a problem with stupidity, nonscientific people and lying, especially the bare-faced stuff that politicians and the media do.  I should just ignore it of course.

When people ignore data and try and ram stuff down your throat to suit their point of view, it isn't particularly a good thing.  How we can kowtow to a small minority who think that men are women and women are men is frankly bizarre.  If you watch any programme where archaeology is involved and they dig up a Skeleton guess what?  They have never said oh this is a woman's skeleton but it was actually a male!  There are huge differences and the pelvic area should give a clue.  But no, someone got all bitter and twisted yesterday because it was pointed out that they were biologically male or female, I don't recall now which it was.  SO I use the word "pretend" in place of "identify as" as it means pretty much the same thing.

And don't you find that someone who pretends to be something else, like an actor, wants me to change the way I behave, live my life and wants me to address them with their particular pronouns?  Back in my day that would get you a right lumping.  I just want all these people to leave me the f**k alone so I can get on with my life and I want the press to stop placing these 1 percenters front and centre on TV newspapers, no wonder so many of us are switching off, which I now do regularly and leave the room when the "news" is on.  It's all utter crap and the reporting is pathetic and so obviously one-sided.  Whatever happened to presenting me with facts I make up my own mind.  Now you are presented with their facts and opinions and you need to subscribe to their point of view only.

So, enough of that.  I've come here to rant and get it off my chest.  I now need to get on with something, anything really as I'm afraid today has just gone west and I've got little achieved.

The Trouble With Accounts

 Damn, I hate doing the accounts for the clubs I am Treasurer of.  It's easy enough doing the banking and all that good stuff but creating the end-of-year Accounts Balance Sheet sometimes leaves me cold.  I can never get it to balance (that's a good thing as it shows you've missed something or your calculations are incorrect) but by the time I've spent a day or two pushing around figures I'm usually number blind.

I used to do well with contract accounts and working out S curves for my projects and programmes but it doesn't work for me as my mind, whilst I understand the principles, cannot always work out what side of the equations something should be on.  

Anyway, I have enlisted assistance as I have a small anomaly and there accounting brain is better at it than I am.

The Tinnitus has returned in one ear, quietly but returned nonetheless and I need to go through the exercises again to get rid of it.  YOu really notice the difference and the ability to hear other things is amazing - I can hear birds' songs in the garden which I'd never really heard before above all the noises in my head.  

It really makes a huge difference and when I stop and listen I really can listen now.  

Hearing Progress

I am amazed that the video I posted in the previous post has turned my tinnitus around and I now only have it occasionally very faintly in my ear!  The exercises are easy enough to do and  so I perform them a couple of times a day as needed.

Interestingly I saw that one of my FB chums has now got COVID-19 for a 4th time!  Well, I noticed that last week he had a cold and over the weekend he used a test kit to turn it into Covid.  Shall I tell him that it's highly likely to be a cold and what on earth has happened to his immune system?  Generally if you get these things you have antibodies to fight them but no, nothing and after having what is it now?  With six jabs, you can still get it.  Is no one smelling a Rat yet?

I've smelt the Rat since day one and yet here we are people complaining that they've "got it again" and not questioning the efficacy of the Billions and Billions of pounds that have gone into "protecting" us all.  

Oh well, mustn't gloat, must I?  Why have so many people lost their minds?  The Government imprisoned us, took away my business and destroyed the economy and this year they are asking for us to vote them back into office.  The cognitive dissonance of our "Ruling Class" is off the scale, they have no idea of the damage they've caused because it happened to other people, the very same people whose lives they have destroyed.  Tossers!

 

Steady Progress

Well, things are improving and I am feeling so much better than I did 6 months ago.  I've been able to put the issues I had behind me (again - for it has happened several times before) and to really move on.

To top that, I found a video on YouTube yesterday that seems to have almost fixed my tinnitus which I've had for around 15 or more years now.  Here is a link 

https://youtu.be/fFccMcU-ooc?si=CVR_4P0C3aob-qtG 

I've had a high-pitched screech in my ear since I had an infection on both ears way back when I wasn't well.  This seems to have reduced the volume considerably and although I can still hear it occasionally it isn't at the front of my consciousness and affecting everything.

I am going to continue to see if I can get rid of it entirely but this temporary relief is huge and allows me to keep my mind clear.

I am pleased that the crap I was dealing with turned out to be only in my head.  By that I mean that everything that I dreaded and worried about wasn't anything to worry about.  I like the idea that right now, at this moment, I am typing this and it is the only thing I am thinking and doing.  It is liberating and so anything that does happen will happen whether I worry or dread it anyway.  If it arrives then I can deal with it.  The Power of Now if you will.

It's good to be free of emotional and constant thought battles and just to be doing whatever it is I'm doing.  It takes some work to realise if I am slipping off into the realms of thought and ego but as soon as I do it's like all these "things" just fall away from me and I'm back to being right here, right now. 

Another Funeral - End of an Era Almost

 Yesterday we said goodbye to my Auntie.  Ninety Six years old but the last 4 or 5 years were hard for her family and her in many ways as dementia took her away from them.  They did really well looking after her and the grandchildren and great-grandchildren who were all close will miss her albeit she drifted away from them some time ago but she was always a kind lady with a ready smile.

I was OK until I got to the Coffin at the end and dropped a flower on the casket. I really realised it was the end of an era.  One of my uncles and my mother are still with us but it's all changed now. We went back and had a drink with my Uncle who passed away in the Covid bleeding stupid nonsense when we could only meet with a few of us and no wake!  We raised a glass and there was a photo of my Uncle holding a glass of beer so we had our last drink together.

We used to be close - 50 or 60 years ago but things move on, people move away and you see less and less of each other it's just deaths and weddings as they say.  They are nice people bt whilst we get on fine we don't really do that much socialising anymore.  Shame.

I'm reminded of my own mortality these past few weeks with my friend's funeral last week and my auntie's yesterday.

On a lighter note, I used my Sat Nav to get to the funeral and to the wake I looked at the rear of the Order of Service, dropped in the Post Code (ZipCode) and after some convoluted driving down narrow roads was informed that "You have arrived at your destination"  Only to find that it was the Funeral Directors / Undertakers shop!  I imagine that might be my Final Destination but not yet :-)

Sad Day Today

 Yes, it is sad, My Friend's funeral is today a little later.  It's sad as he was full of life and deteriorated over a year I suppose.  The last time I saw him was about a year ago I suppose.  I spoke to him but then his hearing and his sight went downhill and he was able to go for respite care in a local home but contracted Pneumonia and passed away.

It's a shame as he was full of life and laughter.  He made us all laugh and he really was a lovely person.  It was the unexpected demise which is so upsetting.  One minute we were all laughs and fun, then he wasn't particularly well and was beginning to forget things and the next thing was he was in the hospital for a long time and we didn't know then I managed a couple of calls but he wasn't his happy self he was stuck in the downstairs room with a specialised bed, losing his sight and hearing and there you go.

We will remember his happy and smiling self today.  Then it is my Aunt's funeral on Monday and whilst she lived to a ripe old age, dementia carried her off some years ago.  She was reasonably OK when I attended her husband's funeral in 2020 under the horrendous Government's stupid rules.  What utter bollocks that was and their draconian hard-nosed absurd rules did nothing for something that when looked back on proves the hubris of man thinking they can control a virus - the pratts.  

Anyway, mustn't digress from the message that it is the funeral today and next Monday and we will pay our respects and feel happy to have known them and sad that hey are no longer here.  Let us hope that they find peace on their next journey.

You Never Know When It's The Last Time You See......

 Somewhat strangely these past six months or so I've been getting random flashbacks of things I did, people I knew, places I've been to and so on.  Names sometimes fail me or if I remember them, they take me right back to events long since forgotten about.

There were some photographs online of places in London from the 70s and 80s and I recognised them as being, of that time and they feel as old to me now as say 1940s photos felt to me as a child.  The thing is that the last time I was there, these places looked completely different to now.  Of course, they will but then I realised, for example, that I hadn't been to Farringdon for about 25 years or more and places like Barbican also 30 years ago and of course, things will have changed.  It's been the blink of an eye but when I remember back it has been 30 or more years and suddenly it just seems strange to me that I never really knew when the last time I visited these places was.

So by that, it means that we never know when it's the last time, do we?  I recall driving to my parent's house and knowing that it was the last time I'd drive along that set of roads and to that particular house but when my father died I hadn't really worked out that it was the last time I would see him.  A friend of mine and I were chatting at a bar just before lockdown and again, that was the last time I saw him he was tragically taken at a young age and we had only seen each other days before.

So it is with travelling and so on.  I saw some photos of when I worked in Brussels and Paris, again, over 30 years ago now and realised that I'd probably never be there again (where I worked) I've been back to Paris and Brussels since but then I realised that was still some time ago!  

When you unlock your memories of these times and places and indeed people you worked with it presents mixed emotions.  Mixed in that I had various levels of relationships with them and they've just disappeared into nowhere.  It's strange that I have very few connections back to those days and in some cases, I just lost touch and one day I was working with them closely and then I never saw or contacted them again.  A couple of close people to me also went the same way and it disturbs me a bit that things just disappeared like that.  How could it happen?

So it was really a strange thing to remember people and places today and over the past months.  I'm not sure why this is?  Regret maybe?  Getting older and reflecting on that?  The march of time maybe?  Whatever it is, I do find that I regret that I didn't keep in touch with certain people and keep up friendships with a couple of people who really meant a lot to me.  I don't know how I dropped them but a career change 32 years ago into an almost entirely different industry probably didn't help matters and I think getting ill 17 or 18 years ago also changed the landscape.

I still have friendships from 55 years ago with my old school chums and I need to work on that as I've drifted away over the past 6 months or more.  Now I'm feeling on the up I hope that I will get back to some sort of "normality" if that is what it is.

It makes me think hard about these things as for instance, will I ever go back to Canada, Mauritius, Venice, Milan, Madrid, Paris and so on?  I enjoyed them when I was there but did I ever think as I travelled away from these places that it would be the last time I'd see them? 

Drama - Not Me

 Well, this is interesting and the news is that I've gone past the Drama in my life stuff now and returned to a quiet equilibrium.  By that, I mean I am no longer tense, stressed or anxious.  It's great, and I am back to where I was perhaps 5 or 6 years ago.

There's still "stuff" of course there is but it isn't bothering me any more.  Things will take their course and the universe will unfold at its own pace, I am sure.  What is interesting is watching other people's stress and daily dramas unfold.  There's always a story, someone who did something, who looked at me a strange way and that sort of thing.  Sure, people do the strangest things around here and I had some weird things going on but these weren't aimed at me, these were just humans being stoopid as they often are!  Things that would upset me back in the day.  At the shop someone leans right across you to get something, not following the one way in the car park, walking in front of you and stopping dead.  Car drivers not obeying the rules of the road pedestrians in our lane walking in front of the car or otherwise trying to walk behind you when reversing, that sort of stuff.

I would, not so long ago, get annoyed about it but these people who don't follow Darwinian theory are only alive because people like me stop their car in time or actually think on their behalf and don't run them over  LOL.

So rather than having multiple dramas when I'm out I just let it all happen and try not to let it bother me.  I gain nothing by getting irate and they wouldn't notice anyway.  I still rant at the pathetic politicians and so-called scientists on the TV but I try and spend as much time away from TV as possible only watching what I want to and not leaving the distraction box playing to itself.  

With this newfound freedom, I have taken to reading books again and actually reading three at once as I have to constantly cross-refer between them to work out what is going on in the main book!  It's fun but also quite a challenge to have a 20th-century book and refer to Plato at the same time :-) 

It takes a bit of practice to try and stop the anger rising and to blank out the "voice in your head" but you can do it.  I like the fact that I am now at ease with myself although I need to find useful things to do to fill the gaps left by no TV.  

Head Clearing and Time Management

 I forget that I am retired now and so occasionally I'm aimlessly thinking about what I have to do today!  That's right, not a lot really, my time is my own and after 50+ years of working it has come as a bit of a shock.  Once again, I find myself here late afternoon looking at what I have accomplished today.  Funnily enough I did something constructive this morning but otherwise, I am sat at my PC playing a couple of tedious games to pass the time.  I really ought to go do something but I cannot be bothered.

There's something very strange about this as I have plenty of things to do including catching up on my reading, sorting out some accounts and the like but I just don't feel like it and this has been a problem for a couple of years and one of the hints that something isn't quite right.  

I know this and I am coming out of the depression that I had last year but there's still something niggling away at me.  Apparently my better half tells me that I am not as bad as I was in 2020 when I was really down in the dumps - probably because I knew what Covid lockdowns would mean to my business and to the future.  Hey ho, that prediction was pretty much spot on, killed my business and a cost of living crisis and things are really beginning to look as I predicted with large chain shops closing down now and the awful service that work from home has promulgated.  Bad management of those working from home doesn't help either I  suppose.  

Anyhow, that is what it is and I am OK in myself and getting a clear almost empty head is great as I am not constantly worried about stuff or fretting about things which is great.  Back to where I was perhaps 10 years ago maybe.  Things take time and I am just going to have to work through this like I did with the other stuff.

Normal Service Will Be Resumed Shortly

Or at least, I hope it will be.  There's something strange about suddenly freeing your body and mind from all the troubles that have been causing you to be stressed especially when you realise that it is you causing your own stress. 

It is something that, unless you've felt it yourself, isn't easy to explain.  I was massively stressed before Christmas, so much so that I said to my friend who I met for breakfast, that I was stiff with all sorts of anger, stressed out and fearful all at once.  Of course, there was the idiot we were dealing with who didn't approach negotiation with anything but his own best interests at heart and other similar things. Yet, at this very moment, nothing is causing me stress.  You see he'd have to be standing next to me being an idiot or actually physically hurting me and he isn't.  At this moment I can only be present and the past and the future have no bearing on things.

Easy to type that isn't it?  The upshot is, as I'd practised before, to not let your own brain take over and overthink, overanalyse and frankly make your own life hell!  You don't need it.  The idiot will do whatever he will do next and when he does that I'll be able to respond in kind.  I can't do anything about what he will do nor will worrying or getting uptight about it do anything that will affect it.  It's coming up two months since he made his last stupid remark and so perhaps he's overthinking things?

Then there's all the other things in life that were winding me up.  They aren't important at all really.  Stupid people will do stupid things and it isn't any of my business what they do.  They might be untidy or lazy and so on but that's no reason to let my brain beat me up for that either.

It's interesting to hear the voice in my head start up some sort of memory or regret from the past and I'm getting used to stopping it dead now.  Past romances and encounters that didn't lead anywhere (but little voice says they could have) that sort of nonsense.  Nothing in the past matters because it is in the past and cannot affect you at this very moment.  Likewise, something in the future cannot affect you as it hasn't happened yet.

 Catch your mind (little voice) and stop the thoughts, think about something else in the present, the sound of the birds outside, the smell of some flowers, doing a task, give it your undivided attention and you'll find that all the noise goes away.  

Where I used to react to other people's dysfunction I can now stop myself (not all the time) and be present and not let my own ego try and sort the situation out.  It is difficult but getting rid of all the crap really clears your mind and you can then just be yourself and enjoy your life.  

I'm getting better and better at this.  Hopefully, I can get back to being a bit like my old self again  Soon.  

Yikes - Getting Old

 I was in my 50s when I got Bladder Cancer and had around 17 years until they discharged me saying I was more likely to get a new cancer than a recurrence.  

I've mentioned before how sceptical I have become about the NHS and how it is driven by suppliers I feel they treat symptoms and don't actually do anything holistic and there's this cross-over between "Government Advice" and other advice, and it's not a service anymore - it's pretty awful unless you get something done.  Anyway, that's me ranting again about it LOL.

So, getting old and my concerns over the Covid vaccine.  Here's the thing, I don't have a lot of friends but...  Let's look at my vaccinated friends for a moment.  Nearly all of them are BTW.

70-year-old, Vasculitis, treatment, survived and his 50-year-old son, heart attack, died.  His wife also passed away suddenly.  He's receiving all sorts of treatment for it.  

In his mid-50s died in his sleep.  Another, in her sleep, late 50s. Another, heart attack, died. Yet another heart attack died. Another, bleed on the brain, seizures, strokes, died.

60s stroke survived. 

Myocarditis in another ongoing treatment - seems to be OK but who knows?

Last month a friend diagnosed with 'turbo cancer' died within a month!

My close friend requires a new heart valve replacement, had an operation yesterday.

Another two have heart problems requiring restarting and some sort of laser treatment.    

Finally and ironically, the chap who poo-pooed that the jabs caused blood clots and that I was making it up.  You guessed it he's got DVT which has stopped him from flying abroad for at least three months.  

It's of course natural that people die and you kind of expect it but this is in the last 18 months and of the small close-knit group of five of us three aren't well with heart problems and DVT.  I find it either a massive coincidence or it's just getting old.  Of course, I've nothing to prove otherwise.  It just seems strange that of my close friends and acquaintances this is happening and I seem to be the only one connecting it like this, everyone else thinks its getting old! 

Straight & Narrow - I'll Let You Know

 Gosh it's been a long time getting back somewhere towards normal.  I'm not there yet unfortunately but I am quite a way along the right road now.  I am signing up to do things and going out a little more, I've plans to do some things like Quiz nights and visiting places so that's progress as I'd rather be sitting at home doing nothing.

My head is clearer for sure and emptier as I'm not constantly having to listen to the little voice in there telling me all sorts of random sh1t.

What to do next is the thing really.  I just have to keep working at keeping this clear head and trapping the ego and pain body before they start to overwhelm me again.  I know stuff is going to arrive but it's not my problem and it's not under my control so it will be what it will be and that's even more progress.  I know, for example, that the idiot is going to do something stupid but no use worrying about what that might be until he does it, can't worry about it now, in the past or in the future, I'll just deal with it when it comes.

I now need to get myself working in the now all the time and I can I think move on a bit further if I can achieve that.  It is actually far more difficult than I remember from 11 years ago when I suddenly got to a point where I was free and clear of stuff.  Of course that then led to the divorce and all that but that's OK too I think.  Again, no use in worrying about what's happened is there as, well, it's happened and there's nothing I can do about that is there? 

So getting there, bit by bit, slowly slowly catchy monkey as they say. 

Catch yourself and stop it

 Now that's interesting,  I'm beginning to catch myself (my ego/pain body) diverting attention away from what I am doing.  So far I think I've been able to catch it most times.  It's trying hard and dragging up memories from the past, some that I've only just remembered through this fight in my head.  The crazy thing is that there isn't any pattern to the daydreams and memories at all.

There's some interesting stuff that I've not remembered very well, the insides of buildings for example, I recognise some of the people and recall some of the situations but I'm realising what these are and stopping them.  What they are, are an attempt to divert me and drag me back to having all this stuff going around in my head.

What's good is the emptiness and space I feel at the moment - like things have been lifted away and long may that continue.  It's taken a while to get here and I just need to make sure I work at it and fend off my mind's attention seeking - lets see how I do?

On the up!

 Well, that is good, things are on the up and I feel much better than I did leading up to Christmas and the New Year - I'd been down for 6 or more months by then even and so it's nice to come out of the other side.  Mind you, two deaths in as many days, My Auntie who, bless her was 96 and had been suffering dementia for some years and a friend who I spoke to in December and really wasn't well who passed away overnight, he developed pneumonia and the drugs just couldn't save him.  Sad in that he was such a live wire until a year ago when he developed this illness that has eventually took his life.

Another friend in a faraway country is also down on his luck so I've sent him some money, not that I can afford, to alleviate his sufferings.  I hope that he will be able to turn things around.  Abroad is nice but no welfare system like we have to help if things go wrong.  

As for me, well I spent some time in my Eckhart Tolle books and some YouTube things he has done and I've gotten back on top of my brain!  There's no one inflicting pain on me physically and the idiot I have to deal with will always be an idiot and do stupid things and so it shouldn't anger me or cause me any pain and I know how to deal with him now as well.

I can feel my ego/pain body wanting to fight back as they lose control over me and raking up old affairs and situations is a way that they do that.  It's a matter of realising what is happening and stopping yourself from reacting.  It's not easy to do this I grant you but part of the solution is knowing what is going on and realising that your reactions are what they want to get from you.  Once you realise you can stop it and bring yourself back into the present moment, the now if you will and that pushes these things away for a while.  

I've found that leaving Social Media alone has helped and I am trying to disconnect from all social media as well as State broadcast news and so on.  Again, try to work out what the "programming" is - try counting the times that a news programme or documentary mentions, for example, Climate Change, Man-made carbon emissions, Sea Level rise, Extreme Weather, Environmental impact blah, blah, blah.  When I watch it (if at all) I can almost predict the script.  There was a programme about the London flood of 1928.  That was due to huge snowfields melting, persistent rain and a High Tide / Storm Surge.  It happened again on the 1950s and in the 2000s - they managed to get the lot in here a full house of environmental impacts caused by man, Climate change, sea level rises and extreme weather - so this happened 3 times in one hundred years.  I doubt in 1928 many of us had SUVs!   If they'd bothered to look further back into history they'd have found more floods and generally around the same time of year when we get high tides sweeping up a narrowing estuary, heavy rain and so on.  We get it every year, we live in a maritime climate - that's what happens.  

It's all very predictable, the country programmes are made by people who live in the city and not in the countryside and they have an agenda of their own, they haven't really got a clue what happens out here.  If these people had a few more brain cells they'd be stupid.

So anyway, I'm better than I was, still battling the ego (as the rant above will show you) and the problem is just that.  I need to disconnect away from all these utter bollocks that are happening out there, the crazy psychopathic headlong charge into wars, destroying our food and fuel for some crazy theory that hasn't even been proven and the data doesn't support.  It sounds harsh but I feel I should fight all of this and rage against the machine and yet in reality, I and my fellow citizens need to wake up and withdraw from it, take away these crazy people's power and focus on living ignoring all the noise and nonsense around us.

Easy for me to say and very very difficult to actually do.  I can only be alert and present in small bursts.  I was better 11 years ago when I could get out of the house and just feel at one with the world.  The catalyst then is not available now.  I need to recreate what it felt like and learn to dismiss all the crap around me.  When you get it and feel at one with the world it really makes you mind and body sing, go light, rejoice and all the day-to-day rubbish is banned for as long as it can last.  At the moment it is short, more seconds and minutes, years ago it was longer perhaps tens of minutes.  It's hard going given the way our brains are programmed but I intend to get myself there in the end.