Someone suggested that it might be Hay Fever - a bit strange as it is damp and wet and has been for days so surprised if it is. It hasn't got worse but I definitely have a sore throat and that horrible back of nose / throat feeling. I've washed down a few paracetamol to see if that will help - it feels eased and at least it isn't getting any worse at the moment.
I think I may cancel tonight's trip out so I don't give this to the lads. Today is perhaps the first of the run down to closing the business. I've made up the accounts and submitted them and that's about the lot I have to do this week apart from a few emails. I'm recovering my files from my cloud storage and synchronising software (thank goodness I did that). I'm a bit worried now about my music files so may "invest" in storing those off site too.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Signs of a cold
The more observant of you may know that I don't get many colds or illnesses. I've thought this was part of the regime of Immunotherapy that I had. RIght now though I've got that back of the nose/throat dry sting that sort of suggests a cold is on its way and a very feint headache (again something I don't normally get). So, I've had this all day and thought it was the journey or the party but maybe I've picked this up from someone at the wedding?
I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.
I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.
Not Just Me
It is an interesting thing that my co-founder of the business is likewise feeling "very strange". It's not surprising really; we wanted to move on the idea and make a difference in people's lives and our objectives can only be achieved now if we can raise significant finance. That isn't about to happen any time soon in many ways because the will and the money isn't around. It's actually the right time to invest but the markets are so badly affected that many are like wounded animals - some fatally so we think as their returns are abysmal.
We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again. It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team. It is going to be a difficult transition.
We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights. We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on. Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!
I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet. Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it. Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all. I'm still here and I'm well.
We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again. It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team. It is going to be a difficult transition.
We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights. We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on. Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!
I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet. Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it. Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all. I'm still here and I'm well.
Not a nice place to be
Inside my head at the moment. Feel a little bit down and a little bit indecisive, not quite myself at all. It feels as if dad's situation has caught up with me, the realisation that a little later today we will prepare to shut down the business or take steps to close down the effort and so there's a number of things that need to be done. I suppose it has an "end of life" feel to it so inevitably there'll be some sort of grieving going on and there's a lot to do. Write to all the interested parties (the relatives), some sort of event (the funeral), some grieving first followed by some sort of celebration and then reflection. Given the current situation with my dad, the parallels are marked.
Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go. But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there. It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up. It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found. Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving. But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.
The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast. This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next. For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision. For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process. These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between. It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.
Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.
On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago. I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me. I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.
Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go. But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there. It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up. It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found. Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving. But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.
The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast. This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next. For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision. For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process. These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between. It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.
Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.
On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago. I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me. I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.
Wow - mixed feelings
A few days away, saw dad - he's his usual cheery self but there's some loaded comments when we chat. He does look grey and drawn which isn't a surprise really. I managed to speak a bit to Mrs. F. about "futures" and that was interesting. We even discussed selling the house and moving off somewhere if necessary.
Then it was my cousin's wedding - very nice affair and everyone had a good time and then back here in time to see the re-run of the Chinese Grand Prix which was excellent.
However, I have some serious mood problems tonight - very moody and dark thoughts and stuff passing across my mind about dad and work and life in general. It's all obviously connected and it is just a matter of spending some time resolving these issues and working them through. I really wished that I'd have had a few days to sort out the accounts too and fear that they may prove to be a little too difficult to get resolved for later in the week. I just must get around to doing things on my to-do listing like go to the Doctors and so on. At the moment I'm in a bit of a not doing rut - so just need to snap myself into action.
Then it was my cousin's wedding - very nice affair and everyone had a good time and then back here in time to see the re-run of the Chinese Grand Prix which was excellent.
However, I have some serious mood problems tonight - very moody and dark thoughts and stuff passing across my mind about dad and work and life in general. It's all obviously connected and it is just a matter of spending some time resolving these issues and working them through. I really wished that I'd have had a few days to sort out the accounts too and fear that they may prove to be a little too difficult to get resolved for later in the week. I just must get around to doing things on my to-do listing like go to the Doctors and so on. At the moment I'm in a bit of a not doing rut - so just need to snap myself into action.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Off to see dad
On my way to cousin's wedding will pop in and see dad and see how he is getting along. It's probably going to be a shock for me as I haven' seen him for a while and no doubt I'll see a big change where those around him will have seen a more gradual change.
Will probably only spend the afternoon with the folks before heading off towards the Lincoln / Louth area and staying overnight in a Hotel there then heading on for the wedding another 20 miles or so north of that. At least it will be cheat day on the wedding day so looking forward to being able to indulge on that day.
Will probably only spend the afternoon with the folks before heading off towards the Lincoln / Louth area and staying overnight in a Hotel there then heading on for the wedding another 20 miles or so north of that. At least it will be cheat day on the wedding day so looking forward to being able to indulge on that day.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Diet Update
I've been sticking to the diet but this last week or so don't appear to have lost as much as the first few weeks - which is, I guess, par for the course. There's only so much you can lose. I'm 2 stone lighter than at Christmas and about 1 1/2 stone lighter since I started the diet.
I've lost inches off my waist and my neck and I feel a lot better. I'm doing well and am not tempted by any need to cheat on the diet apart from cheat day itself. This cheat day I will be at a Wedding so can have plenty to eat and drink there. I'm not getting too hung up on the weight day-to-day as it doesn't always work out like you'd expect and the main thing is that I'm well, I'm losing weight gradually and feeling better for it.
Off to see my dad tomorrow, he can't keep weight on at the moment and so that is a worry. I'll see how he is tomorrow but I imagine it will be a bit of a shock as I haven't seem him for a while. He's 3 months past his 6 month diagnosis so we will have to see how things evolve.
I'm waiting for my piano to arrive - a family heirloom and it will replace my existing one which will go on to another family member (thank goodness). There aren't many of them in the world - perhaps 10 or 20 that I know of. I hope that I'll be the custodian of this one for a short while - it's already had 3 owners from new that I'm aware of. Which reminds me, I must write up the history of this piano for future generations.
I've lost inches off my waist and my neck and I feel a lot better. I'm doing well and am not tempted by any need to cheat on the diet apart from cheat day itself. This cheat day I will be at a Wedding so can have plenty to eat and drink there. I'm not getting too hung up on the weight day-to-day as it doesn't always work out like you'd expect and the main thing is that I'm well, I'm losing weight gradually and feeling better for it.
Off to see my dad tomorrow, he can't keep weight on at the moment and so that is a worry. I'll see how he is tomorrow but I imagine it will be a bit of a shock as I haven't seem him for a while. He's 3 months past his 6 month diagnosis so we will have to see how things evolve.
I'm waiting for my piano to arrive - a family heirloom and it will replace my existing one which will go on to another family member (thank goodness). There aren't many of them in the world - perhaps 10 or 20 that I know of. I hope that I'll be the custodian of this one for a short while - it's already had 3 owners from new that I'm aware of. Which reminds me, I must write up the history of this piano for future generations.
Useful Chats
My Nephew turned up tonight and we went out for a drink - yes I know - I can only have red wine.... and did!
It's nice to get an alternative view fro a younger person. He and I go way back and we have a great relationship (even if I don't know it). I don't get that I've been there for him for years and have been a surrogate dad and that's nice but also a bit worrying too. He's a bright lad, in a world leading business and has done well for himself.
Tonight was a mixture of discussing what life has to offer and the various stages in the journey - it wasn't as heavy as that sounds but it helped me to formulate some ideas that I need to discuss with Mrs. F in the coming months. It is funny that I've been interested in the journey - by that I mean - building the business, tackling all the elements that were needed especially after half the team disintegrated and faded into the distance. I'm not entirely clear about what I want to do with myself after this is ended. I see many paths and many outcomes and some are philanthropic and some are more capitalistically based! :-)
It's a difficult time - I'm a little past that mid life crisis unless I live to 110 when in fact I'd be right in it :-) I'm torn between greed and hermit dom. A bit of me says "sod off to Spain and enjoy yourself" and another bit says "Use all those skills you've learnt and do something useful with your life!" There's the commitments of family and friends and there's the security of where you've lived most of your adult life. The house we've built our family around and the (limited) social life we have here. All of these things are in a big see saw balance along with relationships and family, friends and social life, proximity to London (let's face it - whilst I may scorn it - I live in one of the best cities in the world) and then there are things like health and well-being and security and travel and other things that need to be resolved.
Nothing needs to be sorted out right now and decisions like this need some time to think through. I have my own ideas and I'm certain that these don't suit everyone - so compromise is on the cards but what compromise would I come to? What would suit everyone? Do I suit myself or try and do a United Nations on it? Time will tell I guess.
It's nice to get an alternative view fro a younger person. He and I go way back and we have a great relationship (even if I don't know it). I don't get that I've been there for him for years and have been a surrogate dad and that's nice but also a bit worrying too. He's a bright lad, in a world leading business and has done well for himself.
Tonight was a mixture of discussing what life has to offer and the various stages in the journey - it wasn't as heavy as that sounds but it helped me to formulate some ideas that I need to discuss with Mrs. F in the coming months. It is funny that I've been interested in the journey - by that I mean - building the business, tackling all the elements that were needed especially after half the team disintegrated and faded into the distance. I'm not entirely clear about what I want to do with myself after this is ended. I see many paths and many outcomes and some are philanthropic and some are more capitalistically based! :-)
It's a difficult time - I'm a little past that mid life crisis unless I live to 110 when in fact I'd be right in it :-) I'm torn between greed and hermit dom. A bit of me says "sod off to Spain and enjoy yourself" and another bit says "Use all those skills you've learnt and do something useful with your life!" There's the commitments of family and friends and there's the security of where you've lived most of your adult life. The house we've built our family around and the (limited) social life we have here. All of these things are in a big see saw balance along with relationships and family, friends and social life, proximity to London (let's face it - whilst I may scorn it - I live in one of the best cities in the world) and then there are things like health and well-being and security and travel and other things that need to be resolved.
Nothing needs to be sorted out right now and decisions like this need some time to think through. I have my own ideas and I'm certain that these don't suit everyone - so compromise is on the cards but what compromise would I come to? What would suit everyone? Do I suit myself or try and do a United Nations on it? Time will tell I guess.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Dead PC
Thank goodness for Sugar Sync - I'd have lost all the files I was working on if I hadn't of had this little programme working away in the background.
I realised tonight that I was out trying to reach something I can't have. My youth. I'd actually like my knowledge and my youth together but I can't have those. I see things a lot differently and seeing my dad being in denial (not the river in Egypt) but also seeing the issues he is having with knowing exactly what is wrong with him, what is coming down the road and fully realising that he can't do even the simplest tasks now because he gets out of breath then I begin to realise just how lucky I am that I'm no longer in that position.
The cancer is wrecking his body but his mind is still just as sharp and informed as it ever was. I realise too that we've never had anything other than a working relationship between us. I mean that nicely, we aren't prone to emotional hugs, kisses and all that, never have been. I'm very much like him and it's not a way of communicating I feel comfortable with at all. I may pat you on the shoulder but it is highly unlikely you'd ever get a hug off of me. It's just not something we have ever done. I find it almost embarrassing when meeting close friends and kissing - again - very rarely done in the family.
I don't feel close enough to my dad to have much more of an acquittance's conversation, almost a work mate rather than a father son (as depicted in film and novel available from all good outlets). Don't get me wrong, I've no reason at all to dislike my dad or anything like that. It is just that the relationship may well be one that involves the sorts of personalities we are. I'd hazard a good guess, in fact I'd probably lay money on it, that he and I are both Myers Briggs INTJs which explains a hell of a lot about why we would both find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk on any level except the pragmatic and we do that fine. I've never really had to take "a problem" to my dad, preferring (by far) going to talk to my mum who I have the most open and honest discussions. Relationships are strange things indeed and I see it with my own children and their different personality types. In fact, what surprises me is that they seem to be reversing the types I originally gave them. A, who was always the quiet one, is far more fiercely independent and a very strong character whereas L, whom I thought had the outgoing personality and attitude has, this first year at University, retreated into her shell a bit.
Such are the nature of relationships and I am sure that whilst I will beat up on myself about the "professional nature" of the relationship I have with my dad, I can't imagine he or I are in a position to be comfortable to change it. Intuitively we know that there is a lot of respect for each other and I have no issues to raise with him now. Whatever I may or may not feel about the past is the past and so cannot be changed so why worry about it?
Mum reminded me that it is now 9 months (give or take) since dad first went into hospital. I don't know where that time went to and whilst it is nice that he is still here, I wonder sometimes how this knowledge of his terminal illness plays with his head. He isn't stupid and I can only begin to guess, given my brief knowledge of the subject, what it must feel like.
I realised tonight that I was out trying to reach something I can't have. My youth. I'd actually like my knowledge and my youth together but I can't have those. I see things a lot differently and seeing my dad being in denial (not the river in Egypt) but also seeing the issues he is having with knowing exactly what is wrong with him, what is coming down the road and fully realising that he can't do even the simplest tasks now because he gets out of breath then I begin to realise just how lucky I am that I'm no longer in that position.
The cancer is wrecking his body but his mind is still just as sharp and informed as it ever was. I realise too that we've never had anything other than a working relationship between us. I mean that nicely, we aren't prone to emotional hugs, kisses and all that, never have been. I'm very much like him and it's not a way of communicating I feel comfortable with at all. I may pat you on the shoulder but it is highly unlikely you'd ever get a hug off of me. It's just not something we have ever done. I find it almost embarrassing when meeting close friends and kissing - again - very rarely done in the family.
I don't feel close enough to my dad to have much more of an acquittance's conversation, almost a work mate rather than a father son (as depicted in film and novel available from all good outlets). Don't get me wrong, I've no reason at all to dislike my dad or anything like that. It is just that the relationship may well be one that involves the sorts of personalities we are. I'd hazard a good guess, in fact I'd probably lay money on it, that he and I are both Myers Briggs INTJs which explains a hell of a lot about why we would both find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk on any level except the pragmatic and we do that fine. I've never really had to take "a problem" to my dad, preferring (by far) going to talk to my mum who I have the most open and honest discussions. Relationships are strange things indeed and I see it with my own children and their different personality types. In fact, what surprises me is that they seem to be reversing the types I originally gave them. A, who was always the quiet one, is far more fiercely independent and a very strong character whereas L, whom I thought had the outgoing personality and attitude has, this first year at University, retreated into her shell a bit.
Such are the nature of relationships and I am sure that whilst I will beat up on myself about the "professional nature" of the relationship I have with my dad, I can't imagine he or I are in a position to be comfortable to change it. Intuitively we know that there is a lot of respect for each other and I have no issues to raise with him now. Whatever I may or may not feel about the past is the past and so cannot be changed so why worry about it?
Mum reminded me that it is now 9 months (give or take) since dad first went into hospital. I don't know where that time went to and whilst it is nice that he is still here, I wonder sometimes how this knowledge of his terminal illness plays with his head. He isn't stupid and I can only begin to guess, given my brief knowledge of the subject, what it must feel like.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Boring
I'm pretty bored. I've been writing down my options - what I'm going to (or want to) do next. Watched the Moto GP and the Masters last night which was good. Mrs. F & L have gone out. A is on holiday. I'm sat here using the big "server" PC in the house. At least I was able to rescue the back up files and have made that connect to this one. That's a relief.
A few more tweaks to make sure I can use this down the week and that will mean that I can at least sort out the Accounts that I should have done down the week!
However, there's nothing to do business wise. I'm waiting for the diagnostics and repairs to run on the laptop but I'm not hopeful. It is taking a very very long time to run so that doesn't look promising. I think I can partially sort the situation out with a new hard drive and might even try to perform a rescue from the back ups I have - we will have to see I suppose. Of course, setting these PCs up takes days as well which is also a nuisance.
The Piano needs to be sorted out as well sometime this week - but other than that - nothing is happening and so I'm left twiddling my thumbs :-)
A few more tweaks to make sure I can use this down the week and that will mean that I can at least sort out the Accounts that I should have done down the week!
However, there's nothing to do business wise. I'm waiting for the diagnostics and repairs to run on the laptop but I'm not hopeful. It is taking a very very long time to run so that doesn't look promising. I think I can partially sort the situation out with a new hard drive and might even try to perform a rescue from the back ups I have - we will have to see I suppose. Of course, setting these PCs up takes days as well which is also a nuisance.
The Piano needs to be sorted out as well sometime this week - but other than that - nothing is happening and so I'm left twiddling my thumbs :-)
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Amazed how losing the PC
Makes me feel lost without it. I'm amazed how much I use it on a day to day basis, just looking things up, firing off the odd email and so on. How peculiar. Of course it is also a bit strange not being able to get to my files not because they aren't saved but because they aren't on the PC I'm using which I haven't set up for remote access yet :-)
Back on the diet today - feel a lot thinner these days and my stomach is noticeably smaller and I no longer have the "love handles" around my waist either, my neck size is down a 1/2" too so all in all, things are going in the right direction. I hope that this week will see a similar improvement.
Back on the diet today - feel a lot thinner these days and my stomach is noticeably smaller and I no longer have the "love handles" around my waist either, my neck size is down a 1/2" too so all in all, things are going in the right direction. I hope that this week will see a similar improvement.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Cheat Day
Was quite good. It was Easter Egg Hunt day and I had a proper breakfast and then we had the hunt which was good and it didn't rain thank goodness. It was cold but we had around 50 kids there today which is up on previous years. I had one small egg there and when I got home got stuck into cheese and crumpets and hot cross buns and had my Easter Egg a day early so I could gorge on that. I feel wiped out after ll of that I have to say and a few beers have made it quite a binge. This time next week we are at a wedding so I expect a similar outcome!
My computer remains looking terminal. It is in intensive care and the diagnostics are still running a couple of days after I started them. It doesn't look good. I suppose I ought to bite the bullet and get an new hard drive and re-build the machine. What a bloody nuisance.
So, off to bed now - my 16th Easter Egg hunt over and done and time to relax, watch the Masters and enjoy the weekend.
My computer remains looking terminal. It is in intensive care and the diagnostics are still running a couple of days after I started them. It doesn't look good. I suppose I ought to bite the bullet and get an new hard drive and re-build the machine. What a bloody nuisance.
So, off to bed now - my 16th Easter Egg hunt over and done and time to relax, watch the Masters and enjoy the weekend.
Friday, April 06, 2012
Conflicting Reports
Running more diagnostic software it appears that there are indeed a lot of problems with the PC. At worst it is a hard drive fatal error. Running some special software that may repair it but I doubt it.
Have spoken to Mrs. F. about the very real possibility of shutting down the business now and having to decide what I'd like to do next. There's no rush at the moment but I'm just feeling the "loss" I guess. So I'm not in a good place but neither am I morose or downhearted. It's like losing a friend if you know what I mean? I'm just a little sad and wondering what best to do to fill the gap that's left. In fact it's almost like losing your first girlfriend :-) Being dumped I suppose. There's some soul searching going on but it certainly isn't a case of being wrong or right. We specifically had a process to deal with this and having followed that through we are 99% sure that the result couldn't be any different. The 1% we will tackle but that's a case of covering the ground and making sure that it we didn't miss a trick.
So no PC is driving me mad and also with me not too sure what I'm doing means that I'm wandering around without purpose. Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 16th year I've done that. Goodness knows where the time has gone. Looking forward to doing that but I can't help but believe someone younger might want to take it on.
Have spoken to Mrs. F. about the very real possibility of shutting down the business now and having to decide what I'd like to do next. There's no rush at the moment but I'm just feeling the "loss" I guess. So I'm not in a good place but neither am I morose or downhearted. It's like losing a friend if you know what I mean? I'm just a little sad and wondering what best to do to fill the gap that's left. In fact it's almost like losing your first girlfriend :-) Being dumped I suppose. There's some soul searching going on but it certainly isn't a case of being wrong or right. We specifically had a process to deal with this and having followed that through we are 99% sure that the result couldn't be any different. The 1% we will tackle but that's a case of covering the ground and making sure that it we didn't miss a trick.
So no PC is driving me mad and also with me not too sure what I'm doing means that I'm wandering around without purpose. Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 16th year I've done that. Goodness knows where the time has gone. Looking forward to doing that but I can't help but believe someone younger might want to take it on.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
The Cure for the PC - NOT!
Well I found a way of repairing my PC, I ran overnight tests and that did indeed last 10 hours or more - all clear, I then followed some new instructions to remove the problems and it seemed to work but then threw up another more serious error. The last thing you wan to see an imminent hard drive failure. Now call me old fashioned but a newish PC that's just passed a Hard Drive test (that was running all night) really shouldn't happen when it is a software issue!
But that i what it is showing and so I am re-running the tests again. Talk about depressing. Whilst all of my work is backed up off line, it will now probably take me a few days to repair this PC or a few days to set up a new one (and the cost). I'm pretty pissed off as I am meant to be sorting out the accounts today and over the weekend. That looks a far off possibility now though.
My business partner has been here today and we have been talking through shutting the business down. It's sad and all that but if no one will support it then it's no use blindly going on. we know that but needed to settle the requirements for those actions and what we would do in terms of the IP and all the other good stuff we have produced. It is difficult because of the merit of the idea but detaching all emotional attachments and allowing us to move on are the next important steps and that means getting closure on this in some way.
But that i what it is showing and so I am re-running the tests again. Talk about depressing. Whilst all of my work is backed up off line, it will now probably take me a few days to repair this PC or a few days to set up a new one (and the cost). I'm pretty pissed off as I am meant to be sorting out the accounts today and over the weekend. That looks a far off possibility now though.
My business partner has been here today and we have been talking through shutting the business down. It's sad and all that but if no one will support it then it's no use blindly going on. we know that but needed to settle the requirements for those actions and what we would do in terms of the IP and all the other good stuff we have produced. It is difficult because of the merit of the idea but detaching all emotional attachments and allowing us to move on are the next important steps and that means getting closure on this in some way.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Oh Dear PC Woes
I cannot believe that a company would send out an update that just froze my PC. An auto update has fist of all frozen my PC and wont let it start properly (or restart). Just another frustration with modern technology being too clever by half. It is a known issue has been happening on and off for years by the looks of the fora on this.
I can completely rebuild the system or fiddle around with the registry settings and hope that I can make it work again. I've a scan going at the moment to make sure it isn't anything more serious which promises to be complete in 834 minutes! So I'm on the main PC in the house, the server I guess you'd call it. thank goodness that I had already printed out my speeches for tonight or I'd have been in a little bit of do do. Actually I could have gotten around it as these are at least backed up and I could access them from another PC.
It is SO annoying that something that is meant to protect my PC has actually completely knackered it. Remember that I know what I'm doing with PCs and even this has got me scratching my head. The PC wont recover either by itself or with me intervening which is unusual. It doesn't look to be a virus or a trojan it does look to be a crap piece of code that needs to be sorted out. Of course, how a mere mortal is meant to do this is beyond me.
Had a good evening delivering a certificate and a talk about the charities and got £50 donation for charity and a free meal and wine to boot. Also nice to bring back a raffle prize of chocolates for Mrs. F! :-)
I can completely rebuild the system or fiddle around with the registry settings and hope that I can make it work again. I've a scan going at the moment to make sure it isn't anything more serious which promises to be complete in 834 minutes! So I'm on the main PC in the house, the server I guess you'd call it. thank goodness that I had already printed out my speeches for tonight or I'd have been in a little bit of do do. Actually I could have gotten around it as these are at least backed up and I could access them from another PC.
It is SO annoying that something that is meant to protect my PC has actually completely knackered it. Remember that I know what I'm doing with PCs and even this has got me scratching my head. The PC wont recover either by itself or with me intervening which is unusual. It doesn't look to be a virus or a trojan it does look to be a crap piece of code that needs to be sorted out. Of course, how a mere mortal is meant to do this is beyond me.
Had a good evening delivering a certificate and a talk about the charities and got £50 donation for charity and a free meal and wine to boot. Also nice to bring back a raffle prize of chocolates for Mrs. F! :-)
Monday, April 02, 2012
Monday Night
Not much better than earlier on really. Just had the most stupid response back from someone I've ever seen. Flabbergasted hardly covers the complete ineptitude of this person who having got the initial request totally wrong (having being delegated the task by the person I want to talk to) has now got it even more wrong on the second pass, in fact rather than setting up an appointment with the person who has all the answers they have passed me outside of their organisation to a competitor to speak to them. The competitor neither has the ability or the power to speak on their behalf. We are in the land of the surreal here - what were they thinking?
Without actually cutting loose on this imbecile, which is being unkind to imbeciles, I actually need to talk to these people to plan my next move. They've handed my competitors our idea on a plate! I feel that there will be some sort of pain to be felt. I'm not certain if my sarcastic and caustic sense of irony will go down too well so we are just holding back for a short while, draw breath and then "have words".
So that didn't end my day well at all. Additionally I'm feeling hungry but think that is to do with getting up late and not eating straight away. I will get back to routine tomorrow. I also hope to stop the procrastination and get on with these accounts I meant to do.
Without actually cutting loose on this imbecile, which is being unkind to imbeciles, I actually need to talk to these people to plan my next move. They've handed my competitors our idea on a plate! I feel that there will be some sort of pain to be felt. I'm not certain if my sarcastic and caustic sense of irony will go down too well so we are just holding back for a short while, draw breath and then "have words".
So that didn't end my day well at all. Additionally I'm feeling hungry but think that is to do with getting up late and not eating straight away. I will get back to routine tomorrow. I also hope to stop the procrastination and get on with these accounts I meant to do.
Monday - let down
I tend to find getting back to work on a Monday an enjoyable thing I can concentrate on things I want to get done and plan out my week. Not this morning though. I didn't want to get out of bed and just lay there for an hour or so and finally got up and got going but it was just one of those days. I haven't actually done much either. I've made three or four phone calls and that is just about it.
I have a lovely yellow and purple bruise on my arm to remind me of Friday and I'm over a pretty rough Sunday. It's all very quiet at the moment. There's a few things going on out in the ether but for now, no one has come back to us. It is a shame really but that is the way it is. The intensity of working towards this point is diametrically different to what is happening now.
I decided to do my accounts and yet I just cannot be arsed to do them. This is typical I find with me, I know I have to do them and I'm just ramping up the pressure to make sure I do do them and I know that missing today will be OK.
The next problem is sorting out all my paperwork which I think I will tackle this afternoon and get rid of all the accumulation of detritus on my table. Then I can get onto the accounts with a clear desk/table to layout the accounts on.
On Wednesday we will hold a meeting about where we go from here in terms of the business. I am already working on what I want to do. Even though there are some options out there, I need to plan for afterwards as I cannot continue to hold onto something that isn't going to go anywhere at the moment.
So things are low but things that are good include my Blood Pressure - that is pretty regular now in the 130 over 85 range which is much better than I expected. Time to call the Doctors and go get my BP measured I feel. The diet seems to be working well and I'm around 16 stone at the moment. That's varying and will do after Saturday's excesses :-) Back on the diet yesterday and for the rest of this week should, I hope, drop me below 16 stone and towards where I was 5 or 6 years ago. I have a meeting tomorrow to go to and I am delivering a talk on the 4 Masonic Charities in the England and Wales, that I should know a bit about as I used to work in there. They have also asked me to present one of the members of this Lodge with his certificate, a very rare honour indeed for someone not in the Lodge to do this. I hope I do well with that, I've developed a particular way of doing this that many people say they like so tomorrow I'll get to do my party piece to a new audience. It will be a bit one sided I'll be providing most of the entertainment! I think I may end up having to break the diet a bit - but will try not to if possible.
I have a lovely yellow and purple bruise on my arm to remind me of Friday and I'm over a pretty rough Sunday. It's all very quiet at the moment. There's a few things going on out in the ether but for now, no one has come back to us. It is a shame really but that is the way it is. The intensity of working towards this point is diametrically different to what is happening now.
I decided to do my accounts and yet I just cannot be arsed to do them. This is typical I find with me, I know I have to do them and I'm just ramping up the pressure to make sure I do do them and I know that missing today will be OK.
The next problem is sorting out all my paperwork which I think I will tackle this afternoon and get rid of all the accumulation of detritus on my table. Then I can get onto the accounts with a clear desk/table to layout the accounts on.
On Wednesday we will hold a meeting about where we go from here in terms of the business. I am already working on what I want to do. Even though there are some options out there, I need to plan for afterwards as I cannot continue to hold onto something that isn't going to go anywhere at the moment.
So things are low but things that are good include my Blood Pressure - that is pretty regular now in the 130 over 85 range which is much better than I expected. Time to call the Doctors and go get my BP measured I feel. The diet seems to be working well and I'm around 16 stone at the moment. That's varying and will do after Saturday's excesses :-) Back on the diet yesterday and for the rest of this week should, I hope, drop me below 16 stone and towards where I was 5 or 6 years ago. I have a meeting tomorrow to go to and I am delivering a talk on the 4 Masonic Charities in the England and Wales, that I should know a bit about as I used to work in there. They have also asked me to present one of the members of this Lodge with his certificate, a very rare honour indeed for someone not in the Lodge to do this. I hope I do well with that, I've developed a particular way of doing this that many people say they like so tomorrow I'll get to do my party piece to a new audience. It will be a bit one sided I'll be providing most of the entertainment! I think I may end up having to break the diet a bit - but will try not to if possible.
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Not a great start to Sunday
I was in a furious mood - apoplectic almost. Nothing to do with BC or anything like that (or I don't think so), no, just the normal thing of being treated like I'm invisible. So I stomped off for a 3 mile walk around the woods and fields here - very nice, early morning, birds chirping, sun highlighting dappled areas in the woods and so on - all very nice but I missed breakfast and when I got in I thought to have my pills and stuff, didn't eat until lunchtime and have been a bit bear with sore headish all morning.
I'm pretty p1ssed off with this behaviour and went to cool off as it does annoy me occasionally, this is the usual stuff like no one talks to you or they go out and don't tell you and many other such things.
I really didn't feel like eating and I don't really even now - I forced some lunch down but I reckon I probably could have lasted until this evening as yesterday's cheat day loaded me up with lots of forbidden foods and I feel full up with them. It was OK yesterday apart from no beers. I did fancy a beer in the garden but there you go. Had plenty of cheese, bread, pasta and the like to munch on during the day.
I'm spending time weighing up my options and trying to think what I'd like to do. It's a difficult thing really as I also have an option to go back to doing what I used to do and making some serious bucks doing it or to get out of that altogether and just live a simpler and (hopefully) more rewarding life. That also added to my anger this morning as I would question whether what I end up doing is compatible with what everyone else wants. In a way, I've spent a lot of my life doing stuff and building my life using the money that I've produced and now, I'm not sure that is what I really want to continue to do. I'm writing down pipe dreams if for no other reason than to get them out of my head. Then there are those that are possible but affect how near I am to hospital review and that sort of thing - do I have access to the services of a Hospital as good as the one locally to me? All of this is also having an affect on my thinking and my demeanour and some of it is also bound to question how people (family more especially) relate to these.
If they fail to fit in on a day-to-day basis now, what chance to go and do something else? Perhaps the road ahead is a single lane carriageway - just one person wide? That's also part of the thinking, it has to be if I'm to explore all possible things that I want to do.
I'm pretty p1ssed off with this behaviour and went to cool off as it does annoy me occasionally, this is the usual stuff like no one talks to you or they go out and don't tell you and many other such things.
I really didn't feel like eating and I don't really even now - I forced some lunch down but I reckon I probably could have lasted until this evening as yesterday's cheat day loaded me up with lots of forbidden foods and I feel full up with them. It was OK yesterday apart from no beers. I did fancy a beer in the garden but there you go. Had plenty of cheese, bread, pasta and the like to munch on during the day.
I'm spending time weighing up my options and trying to think what I'd like to do. It's a difficult thing really as I also have an option to go back to doing what I used to do and making some serious bucks doing it or to get out of that altogether and just live a simpler and (hopefully) more rewarding life. That also added to my anger this morning as I would question whether what I end up doing is compatible with what everyone else wants. In a way, I've spent a lot of my life doing stuff and building my life using the money that I've produced and now, I'm not sure that is what I really want to continue to do. I'm writing down pipe dreams if for no other reason than to get them out of my head. Then there are those that are possible but affect how near I am to hospital review and that sort of thing - do I have access to the services of a Hospital as good as the one locally to me? All of this is also having an affect on my thinking and my demeanour and some of it is also bound to question how people (family more especially) relate to these.
If they fail to fit in on a day-to-day basis now, what chance to go and do something else? Perhaps the road ahead is a single lane carriageway - just one person wide? That's also part of the thinking, it has to be if I'm to explore all possible things that I want to do.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Cheat Day is here
After protein rich breakfast I've tucked into a cup cake that A made for me - I could feel the hit of the sugar immediately, now having a coffee with a sweetener and milk. I normally only have black unsweetened these days. I'm ready to commence eating forbidden stuff so here I go.....
Friday, March 30, 2012
CT Scan - That went OK
30 minutes wait - then they hadn't gotten me to have a pint of water - which I then had. Get changed into a gown and insert cannula into my arm - not my favourite thing of course. Into the scanner - easy as you like - hold your arms above your head through the scanner, connect you to the dye that they use to "light you up like a Christmas Tree!" apparently but then there was a slight problem.
Did the first set of scans which show up things like Kidney Stones and stuff but they had to give me ml of contrast first and make me wait 10 minutes for it to get through kidneys and into bladder. Having done that I had to roll about 3 or 4 times - yes full 360 degrees whilst on the flat bed! This is to coat the bladder. Then another set of scans. Then there was another set of scans after they'd put some more contrast in. On this occasion I got the side effects - hot flush around the body, metallic taste in mouth and the uncanny feeling that you'd wet yourself. I have a feeling that this lot of contrast dye was no where near what I had before for the Pyleogram which I was x-rayed for about 20 or 30 minutes overall to show the progress of the dye through my Kidneys and tubes etc.
Anyway - all was over and done with quite quickly - I felt fine so walked to the Cafe and had 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, Mushrooms and Tomatoes washed down with a large black coffee. Went via the sweet shop and got myself a 100g bag of Wine Gums for cheat day tomorrow. I see I have cakes and things lined up in the fridge (Yay!)
I needn't have been that worried about it I suppose. It wasn't that bad but I think the experiences I had with the contrast before were when I was quite ill and so made all the worse. I suppose at that time I wasn't even sure if they'd caught the cancer early enough and whether I was going to live or die so I doubt I was in a very good place in my head.
Did the first set of scans which show up things like Kidney Stones and stuff but they had to give me ml of contrast first and make me wait 10 minutes for it to get through kidneys and into bladder. Having done that I had to roll about 3 or 4 times - yes full 360 degrees whilst on the flat bed! This is to coat the bladder. Then another set of scans. Then there was another set of scans after they'd put some more contrast in. On this occasion I got the side effects - hot flush around the body, metallic taste in mouth and the uncanny feeling that you'd wet yourself. I have a feeling that this lot of contrast dye was no where near what I had before for the Pyleogram which I was x-rayed for about 20 or 30 minutes overall to show the progress of the dye through my Kidneys and tubes etc.
Anyway - all was over and done with quite quickly - I felt fine so walked to the Cafe and had 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, Mushrooms and Tomatoes washed down with a large black coffee. Went via the sweet shop and got myself a 100g bag of Wine Gums for cheat day tomorrow. I see I have cakes and things lined up in the fridge (Yay!)
I needn't have been that worried about it I suppose. It wasn't that bad but I think the experiences I had with the contrast before were when I was quite ill and so made all the worse. I suppose at that time I wasn't even sure if they'd caught the cancer early enough and whether I was going to live or die so I doubt I was in a very good place in my head.
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