That is the one thing that is taking up my grey cells these days. Uncertainty about whether or not the Insurance will pay out - my rep seems to be very nervous about it, perhaps it is me picking up the wrong vibes?
The uncertainty of the effectiveness of the treatment. In 4 weeks time I'll have finished the treatment and I'll have to wait 12 weeks (3 months) for the operation and biopsies, then perhaps 2 or 3 weeks for the pathology tests and then go and see what my future holds. It is obviously the quickest that it can be done in but, that means that from now, it is unlikely to be less than 5 months until I can really know whether this has worked, if it has, what happens next and when - then if it hasn't what we do next?
Of course I know what treatments are available and that there are combinations of these but, it is not my choice and the results will drive the next steps.
Then there is the other uncertainty side of things. I have to get back to work in the New Year. It will be particularly strange and there will be a lot to catch up with. I feel these days to be much slower than I was - my brain is not so sharp and it takes longer to do things. Will I be able to pick up long term projects or will I have to manage as if everything will be over by Easter?
I think that Cancer affects you physically (although I only feel ill in the background) and mentally because it makes you think about all the negatives first and the positives second and of course it affects those you love which in its turn affect you as well. Coming to terms with these is, of course, the difficult part of the journey.
You also have to face the facts that not everything will come out the way you want it. That will change your plans and perceptions and make you re-plan and move on.
I haven't come to terms with the fact that this is with me for the rest of my life, albeit that it may be that in 10 years time, all things working out well, I will only have to attend the Hospital once or twice a year! Mind you - do I fancy a Cystoscopy a year in the future? I may have to have one - but again it is too early to deal with that as it hasn't happened yet.
I don't think you can deal with the uncertainty in the way that you can deal with other day to day things you can plan. I reckon that as things progress the day to day existence that it is now will become week to week, month to month and year to year. When it starts to get to the point when I no longer need to blog each day, then the first step will have been taken. When the blog gets to being fortnightly or monthly you and I will know that acceptance has been reached and the new normality would have settled in.
That is enough of that sort of heavy stuff, I'll hurt my brain if I think any deeper than that for the rest of the day!
