Holding back

On calling too often at the moment and will have 'normal' phone call with my Mum tomorrow morning. Will see what they've been up to and see what I can or cannot do at this time. I think that keeping things like they normally are is probably better than calling every day etc.

It's a bit strange dealing with someone in my family being ill - the last major illness before mine was my nephew and niece who both got Diabetes but hers was pretty serious as she almost died. That's got to be about 15 years ago now I suppose. Anyway, what I mean is my immediate family because I'm the sick one really. 11 Operations when I was a kid, rushed in sometime ago with possible heart attack (which proved not to be), a couple of A&Es when I got my nose broken in a cricket match (not by the ball but when the idiot let go of the bat!), once when I fell down some stairs and once when I got my lip split. And of course the 30 odd times I've been in and out in the past 5 years. So dealing with someone else being ill should be easy for me :-)

I doubt it will be. I'm 110 miles away and at least a 2 1/2 hour journey from them which makes for an interesting problem about going up to see them and when etc. So whatever happens in the next however long it is going to be isn't going to be particularly easy to sort out logistics wise - I just need to wait and see.

I also realise that I know a lot about my particular subject matter and I'm also not certain that I will actually be of any "help" at this time, time when they need to work out for themselves what they want to do and also time to get their thinking right about it too. I've got to tread a careful path between their needs and mine. No one got involved in my illness and so I need to make sure that I don't get involved in theirs. That's sounds a bit awful but all I mean is that as well intentioned as I may feel my help may be, it's not my place to do that uninvited and unwanted. I also have to be very careful about my own health in getting that involved.

On a happier note L arrived home after being away for a week and she had a good time away. She is growing up really fast - it's most strange that suddenly she isn't a school girl any more and she will soon go to University, she just appears to have grown from one to the other in a few weeks.

Impressed

With the level of professional results the three artists put on tonight and the evening shot past. Thanks to Flocky Bicep for turning up and supporting the evening. I think it was a great success and it's great to see young artists displaying challenging work. I was most impressed to see some of As larger photographic work and also some of her original life work in charcoal - I'd never seen these before.

It's a shame that we don't value art as much as we should. We came back home and ended up having a curry which went down very well. We also have a few bags worth of food and drink to use up over the weekend :-)

The Exhibition

I've just dropped A off with a boot (trunk) full of food for the private viewing. I've sponsored the food and drink although they haven't told me how much it is yet :-) I'm looking forward to wandering down there in a couple of hours and seeing what they have done - I haven't seen her work in the new frames or how they've laid it out and so that will be interesting.

At least she will have some intern work in her portfolio and this exhibition. She has another exhibition in the central library later on this year too so that all adds to her experience. You can see some of her work here and the gallery information is here. You may glance some of her painted furniture work on this site.

It looks a hard life being an artist but that's what the intern-ship is all about - she can reflect on this experience. We hope to get her some work experience with one of the major newspapers (not the News of the World obviously) later in the summer so she can experience a week of being a journeyman photographer for the newspapers.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how they've worked out how they are going to present their work and run the exhibition.

Your Thought Process

I remember going through the thoughts - wild as they were between "I'm going to die" and "hang on - they haven't even staged it yet!" It was a horrible time I recall and in a way I just had a couple of days to think about things. I was diagnosed on the Friday and I was in the operating theatre on the Monday! Now that's fast. I had, of course, a relatively high grade cancer and the tumour was of moderate size (whatever that may be). So I can understand what Dad and my Mum are going through.

I can actually feel a heightened level of anxiety in my body - I'm feeling for them - I'm going through the process - reliving my own experiences. I can't make decisions for them and in a way, I'm a bit loathe to get involved unless asked. Dad's got to work through the ups and downs and decide what to do. I mean the crazy thing is we don't actually know that it IS cancer. The signs are reasonably good - very small tumour, could be a cyst but they need to do the investigative work and his first reaction was no. Then again, he's never had surgery etc in his whole life so the shock of all of this must be far worse and at 80 years old he isn't thinking clearly about it. He has the weekend to think things over and they have the phone call on Monday.

I've said to them that until you actually get the results, you'll not know where you stand. If it isn't then there'll be some sort of action to take. if it is, then they'll have something to say about it and a way forward. It isn't great - of course it isn't but inaction is not an acceptable strategy. I'm sure he will come around to a decision based on some logic over the weekend. It is all very raw to him I expect and I doubt his head is "in a good place" at the moment.

Late

Or early as it is really Friday morning. I'm sort of sitting around in a state of light shock I suppose. Poor old dad is probably having a pretty torrid time and will do of course as he comes to terms with what he's been presented with this week. I see a lot of me in him but I'm not entirely like him but in some of the stubborn areas and needing a certain amount of order about things I'm exactly like him and getting more so each time I see him.

I'm not going to second guess what is going on and will wait it out until I hear what the results may be. I'll just have to deal with it the way I normally do I suppose - I've always been the rock steady non emotional one in the family and I suppose I've some experience in these things.

I felt that maybe I should drive up and see Dad but it's A's opening night of her first exhibition tomorrow and I really want to be there. A lot of her mates who've known this is going on have decided to go elsewhere for the weekend and I want to make sure she gets my full support. I'm not sure what I can actually do going to my parent's place this weekend and perhaps it may be better suited a little later on when we know what is happening and when I can do some good.

I was only whinging last week or the week before about how no one ever came and saw me when I was ill. In fact not once in 5 years has anyone bothered but I'll arrange to see them when they need me up there.

Irony, it's ironic isn't it?

5 years ago this very day I was diagnosed with Cancer and today my dad goes home after them having discovered a tumour on his Pancreas. It's very small, you can hardly see it on the scan and so he is home now. He's obviously not feeling good about stuff at the moment and neither is my mum really but they'll hopefully be able to come to terms with this in the next day or two. I'm a good example of what they can do these days but dad sounded a bit defeatist but then I remember being very much like that until good old Mrs. F. told me to "Pull myself together!" :-)

They have a pow wow on Monday and he goes back in Wednesday (even though he says he isn't) for them to do an endescopy and to unblock things so he can get rid of the Jaundice (probably a stent). They also want a scan of his chest as well. I'm leaving him to rest and hope to speak to him over the weekend.

I hope he gets a bit of rest and has some time to think things over. I don't like tone I heard tonight but he's only just been told the news so I imagine it's like I was - hit by a truck!

Dignosed 5 years ago today

I knew by this time of day 5 years ago that I had Cancer and it was and wasn't a shock all at the same time. I knew that I'd need an operation and fast and I remember the stinging following the flexible cystoscopy which I realise now was due to the blood in my urine more than anything else and I guess that I'd never been scoped before. These days I'm an old hand at it having had in excess of 37 of these things shoved up my urethra.

So another milestone reached and in a way it's quite a bizarre coincidence that my father may be diagnosed today after his scan. I hope he hasn't to deal with the sort of shock I did those 5 years ago.

He has had a further scan or XRay this morning and so we hope to hear something today about what is wrong with him.

Something Else that Afffects Your Bladder

I never really got drugs - alcohol and cigarettes and cigars - yes but I never ever liked or even fancied a go at anything else.

Here is a sobering story - I hope you can catch the video here.

"A review into the horse tranquillizer ketamine by the Independent Scientific Committee on Drugs is to say that recreational use of the drug appears to be a growing problem.

Although it is not calling for ketamine to be reclassified, the committee is suggesting that the drug is wrongly classified as being less harmful than ecstasy and cannabis.

Ketamine is now the fourth most popular recreational drug in the UK and in extreme cases, use of it can lead to severe bladder damage.

The lad in the story/video had his bladder removed at 18 years old and replaced by a bag for around a year. The worse the symptoms got, the more he took the drug.

Goodness knows what problems will come along after that - if it hit your bladder it's bound to have an affect on kidneys and elsewhere.

Phew - yuk, ohhh, turned me over just listening to it. The stuff some people shove into themselves is just bizarre.

Christopher Francis is currently serving time in Ford Open Prison. Here he explains how his use of ketamine led to his bladder having to be removed."

All about Dad at the moment

The scan was inconclusive (it that's a real word) and apart from a possibly enlarged gall bladder - they cannot see anything. It looks as if the want to do another scan tomorrow and check the back of that area, no endoscope (for now) which I imagine will please him :-)

Doing well as are my mum and my brother and sister-in-law have stepped up to the plate too which is good. Spoke to mum and she is sort of OK about it and even Dad seems resigned to it now - he is a "little confused" but then he is 80 and has never been in a hospital before (as far as we know) and so it's all a little new and a little bit uncomfortable for him. I know I hate it and he is far more sensitive to this stuff than I am.

I'm a bit more relaxed about things now having had a very bad night on Monday I've managed to sort things out. Tonight my Nephew came along and took me out for a beer which was really nice. I haven't seen him for ages - he's been jetting between here, New York and Tampa for months but looks as if things have settled and he is back here for a while now.

A good chat with him and my business partner about dad has also helped me sort myself out. I feel a bit sorry that I may have burdened them but then again, they've both done that to me in the past and a year ago you may recollect I was pouring said nephew out of a bar in London and into a cab after a night on the town that I'd really like to forget.

Oh well - all is well and it's time for bed - dad is OK and tomorrow we may find out what's wrong with him. I pray it isn't what I worry that it is and that it is something a lot simpler to sort out. Let's hope so.

Good Spirits

Well - dad's in good spirits - laughing and joking with nurses and mum so that's good. I just spoke to her and she is all OK at the moment - or sounds it and they'll go off and see him. I've done the hospital check list for them and all is OK there. He awaits his scan later today.

He's not in pain and seems to be and feel fine which is good, not been losing weight or appetite. Mum says in 57 years she's known him this is the first time she's seen him give blood or been in a hospital. I'd say that's a result as I said to my kid brother - having been in 10 times in 5 years and perhaps more than 20 times in my life, I'd say he was overdue for a trip in.

Also found out that he's been looking a "bit yellow" for more than a week - typical bloke - don't go and speak to the Doc until he looks like a human banana!

I'm sort of feeling stressed for him as I know what he is like - hopefully though, as long as they aren't pulling him about too much he'll be OK - I doubt he will like the blood draws and he wasn't amused that he'd probably be in for 3 days (at least).

Well - let's see how he gets on and what they find - no good second guessing them.

Good Sleep

Unfortunately - my brother was trying to get me at midnight but I wasn't answering emails or text messages. Dad was taken in overnight to hospital on the Doctor's orders after they got the blood tests back and he had to wait until 11 pm to get a bed and sit around in A&E none of which I imagine would have helped his state of mind - he hates hospitals and doctors more than I do and if you felt reading my blog that I have high anxiety sometimes, spare a thought for him as he really does have the most awful time and gets very stressed out - bless him.

So the thing that kept me up on Monday night has happened and he is in hospital and I just know how much he hates it. He wants to go home but, frankly, he needs to have these tests run and they need to find out what it is. I have my own theory but I'll keep that to myself.

I might as well be a million miles away for all the help I can give - I suppose I'd better prepare myself to be able to drop into the car at a moment's notice and get up there. Luckily my brother lives locally and his wife is predisposed to running the folks about as mum no longer drives and the hospital is a fair old way away from them.

Will have to see what challenges are coming his way later on today or tomorrow I guess. I just know how much he will be stressed our by all of this and so I'm really beginning to feel for him.

See how tonight is

I feel dog tired right now and after writing this I'm going to see if I can get to bed early and catch up on all the sleep I deprived myself of yesterday.

I can't do anything about what is going to happen and neither can I second guess it either! To bed :-)

Bloods Done

No problems - they took a whole armful by the sounds of it - 5 phials worth and results on Friday - he feels fine so that's good I suppose. Obviously not knowing what's wrong is a problem but he will find out on Friday and I imagine they'll scan him soon after that. It depends what the X-Rays and Blood tests show I guess.

I feel a bit better myself hearing that he's OK and actually managed to have a blood test. No use worrying I tell myself and we won't know until Friday and neither will he so - no use pre-empting things. I hope not to be worrying about it tonight and get some sleep and no doubt I'll be tired from being awake half of last night.

Mind you - it is my Dad I'm talking about - and I've only got one....

Horrible Night's Sleep

I was worried about my dad and his blood test today - my kid brother reckons it's the first time he's ever had his blood taken but I somehow doubt that very much - I think I remember him having it done about 9 or 10 years ago. However Jaundice in old age isn't a great sign and of course all it did for me was remind me of the terrible time I had and just brought back my memories.

I don't think I'd ever want anyone to go through what I did least of all my folks. I'm young enough to have gone through a lot of it but at 80 I'm not sure I'd be quite so resilient.

So first of all I couldn't get to sleep and then as I was dropping off I was having visions of hospital beds, drips, end of life scenes, funeral - it was awful. Sometimes I wish I could turn my head off - it launches into huge leaps of fantasy and into places I don't want it to go. I tried to think of other things and all it did was bring back the terror (I use that word on reflection) of some of the early days I had when I was ill and facing the unknown and potentially the thought that goes through every cancer diagnosis (I guess) - I'm going to die. I'm going to die horribly and all the baggage that goes with that sort of mentality. Luckily Mrs. F. told me to "get a grip" early on and I did. So I was haunted by all that and have had a couple of hours sleep. I feel reasonably OK actually - I thought I'd feel worse. I can't do anything about it and it will be what it will be.

My poor old dad though hates hospitals and doctors more than I do and I can just imagine his stress levels going through the roof. I suppose I'll just have to wait and hear what is happening and I have my scheduled call with my mum tomorrow so no doubt she'll update me some more.

Not Good

Had an email from kid brother. Apparently Dad isn't well and looks a bit jaundiced. Has been for X-Ray today, Bloods tomorrow (that will please him NOT - he hates all of that). Then I believe he will have to go for a scan.

I'll find out a bit more tomorrow or Wednesday I guess. I have to say that I felt dread as soon as I saw that. I guess I'm always on edge about these things knowing what I know. Of course it can be a number of things. Let's hope that it isn't what I'm thinking it might be.

Weekend Off Blogging

And good job too. Not much to say other than the dreams of the last few days have been amazing - I can't remember any of them except crashing my car which looked great in full technicolour complete with Mrs. F. in full stereo surround sound saying "I told you so" :-)

I'm still into my FOCC diet but I've changed it slightly. I now use 4 Tablespoons of Cottage Cheese to 2 of Flax Seed Oil and 1.5 of ground Flax Seeds. I then add a probiotic yoghurt into it to give it some fruity sweetness and then pour that over crushed weet-a-bix or over Cheerios. I toned it down as it is quite filling and quite fattening and I wanted to give myself a regular shot of this without sticking the pounds on. I've lost half a stone in the past 3 weeks or so which is encouraging and I'm beginning to be able to stick to a diet without interruptions like a few weeks ago when I vistied my local curry house 3 times in one week and the pub 3 times too! Doh! I also decided against using the soft cheese quark as it was quite a tart flavour. Whilst the cottage cheese does have salt in it, it is about the only thing that I eat that does and the falling off a cliff that my blood pressure measurements kind of tell me that salt, which I gave up years ago, isn't having the blood pressure issues I felt it might do. Long may that continue.

Work is getting a real pace on now - a few difficult days this week will see us on the home stretch - we have some serious figure work to resolve and some of the calculations aren't making sense to us. Once they are done the cork is out of the bottle because we've done most of the work.

What a Week it has been

I've worked pretty hard and I'm pleased with this week's work. Had a funny old evening on Tuesday and a bit of a wobble what with the chap with terminal bladder cancer all because he didn't go when he first got the symptoms. Then the anger when it came out in conversation that none of my immediate family had actually ventured down to see me in the 5 years I've been ill. I've made the pilgrimage to them when I can.

I'm sort of over that now but realised that there's a number of "demons" that I need to exorcise now that the 5 years are here. Not like "getting my own back" that isn't what I mean - it's more a case of getting angry about them and then moving on. I'm not planning to dwell on anything too long either as it's happened and it's in the past. What I need to do is get the monkey off my back and move on - I don't actually think I need to understand it or why it happened.

Looking forward, I'm pretty much happy that we have gone as far as we can with the business for now and that it needs to be tidied up and thrown out to see if anyone else believes what we do. This is not going to be easy - great idea that it is, it requires a sack load of cash to achieve it. If we go ahead it will be another huge change in my life but one that I will relish. The trouble would be how much time and commitment it will take to build the business but, then again, whilst I'm doing that I can't dwell on other stuff :-)

Productive Week

I have just finished a series of documents - the last one is close to 400 pages (yes 400). It surprised me as I've been building it for the past 4 years and it relates to all the sources of information that I've used to build the business and so it represents the provenance of how the business has been built this way.

It's 3:20 pm and my business partner has been lucky enough to go to the Open Golf this afternoon which I'm sure he'll love - I remember it being just amazing to watch the best golfers in the world thumping their way around Sandwich. I used to work there as well once upon a time - Sandwich not Royal St. George's :-) Pfizer had their huge place there until recently when they closed it with the loss of 3,500 jobs :-(

I think as he has gone there and I've finished 3 huge documents this week that I can take the afternoon off and go and watch the remainder of the day's golf.

Gosh - I was tired this evening

Have been thrashing away at a document for 3 (yes three) days and finally finished it. It was very detailed and needed a lot of concentration to ensure I'd got it all properly listed. Phew :-) I decided to tackle the most difficult jobs first and then work towards the easier ones - that way I'll get the boring and tiresome stuff out the way first and accelerate towards the finish post on the more enjoyable bits.

All that hard work made me feel pretty tired I can tell you. So I'd better get off to bed and be up ready to get on to the next area in the morning.

Sad News

My friend last night was telling me that his friend has been diagnosed with metastatic Bladder Cancer. He had blood in his urine and ignored it and continued to do so for some time. That's sad, really sad as I imagine if he had seen a Doctor straight away then it may have been a different story.

This has finally fixed in my mind something that I've known about for a long time. I'm extremely lucky to be here today and there is no doubt about that. I'd left it a few weeks but I wasn't absolutely sure what I had.

If you have blood in your urine or it is a strange colour - go to the doctor straight away because you are a long time dead! This poor guy has been given 6 months. I imagine there's a fair amount of "what if?" going on. I can't imagine what he is going through with this - it doesn't bear me thinking about but it does scream at me that early detection is the way forward.

A bit angry last night

I was a bit angry last night - unusual for me. I intend to get over that in the coming days and move on. It's been gnawing away at me for a while and I wonder what it would take before I could get my immediate family to come and see me. Probably I'd have to be on my death bed - and I'm not kidding either.

So I think I'll be a little bit seething for a while - I haven't "addressed it" until now preferring to think of it as an idiosyncrasy that my immediate family have - it's like allowing them their eccentricities and smiling about it but in reality, that's not it. I'll not be able to change them they are far too entrenched to change and in reality I am a million miles away from them now. It's sad but it's not one of those family feuds - we speak regularly a couple of times a week at least.

So there you go - I'll just have to move on and pull another monkey off of my shoulder.

Feeling a little bit bitter

Now forgive me for this, especially those of you who know me but, I was out tonight with my school chums. It's a lovely evening out and it is a strange evening as it dips back into our youth - when we were 10 or 11 years old and moves with some speed between then and now. My three friends have all lost their fathers and one has a mother who is not very well at all. We are all 54 (ish) years old.

We grew up together and I had a great dream about us all a few nights ago cycling and making dams and being crazy kids during our summer holidays - around the corner from here - in Sparrow's Wood. All summer we were out of the house, on our bikes, at the Lido, just out all the time - the sun always shone and we always got into and out of scrapes and just had the most wonderful adventures. There were no creepy people, no paedophiles, no drug lords and all that sort of shit. We just went around catching frogs, damming rivers (well streams really), riding bikes at break neck speed, leaping around the playground swings and slides and getting a great tan! I look back and think what a great time we had, no mobile phones, PCs, iPods, MP3 players, Sony Play-stations blah-de-blah......

I was so happy tonight - my friends and I drank my health - we remembered my friend's dad died at the time I was ill... Sad enough that I couldn't attend but all is forgiven especially as they now know how ill I actually was. 5 years...

But things got a little sadder because I recollect that on my birthday (and my friend and I shared as you may recall - our 50th in 2007) no one from my immediate family came. My Aunts and Uncles did and my cousins but not my parents and not my brother and his family. I wondered about this - I know my Mum would cut off her arm or leg to come but she was bound not to come along. I find it now with my daughter's birthdays. None of my immediate family have come to A's 21st or L's 18th but my wider family have and for that I am very grateful. My mother is truly mortified by this - I know that as I speak to her. My kid brother has always been a self centred person who has taken much but given back little.

My family, such as it is, is spread over a large geography and I don't expect anyone not local to be able to turn up - I couldn't get over to the US or NZ without lots of planning but you'd have thought, given 6 months notice your local blood could have? I mean 2 hours drive FFS!!!

I suppose that I must acknowledge that I am different to most of my family in that I would put myself out and go (even if it isn't my 'scene' to be there and make the 'best of it'). I could see the hurt in my friend's eyes tonight when one of them asked me why my parents and my brother weren't there at my 50th considering the shit year I'd had recovering from Cancer?

I write this as it arrived in conversation tonight - until I got home it hadn't really struck home what they said but you'd have to ask yourself why your parents didn't make the effort? As I said before - my Mum's not happy about it at all and I can hear it and I don't make a fuss about it. The thing is - and it does nag - what does it say about what my folks think about me that since I was diagnosed - no one has ever come down to see me at my home and my locality. I've always had to drive up to see them?

I'm living with it - well I've had to live with it. But only now 5 years on is it coming home to me that no one even came to see me when I was in Hospital or Recovering or did they put themselves out to do so. I had friends fly over to the UK to see me. Now you may see why I feel a little bitter about this. I mean I could have turned up my toes and died - I wonder if they'd have even come down to my funeral if I had?

Bitter? You bet, my friends and brethren from the Lodges I'm in have been top class as have my extended family but my kith and kin - perhaps through the horrible shock and trauma I have delivered at their door, perhaps not so. I can't be that pissed off as they are my family and I love them dearly but - sometimes you have to wonder....

As for my own little family unit - I am surprised that they have put up with me. I really am strengthened by A and L who have their mother's pragmatism and - I like to think - my sense of humour. We've had some good holidays since I was diagnosed and the girls really work hard and are rewarded in results from School and University. They have a good work ethic and are both socially responsible - giving to their community as youth leaders, I cannot want for a better family unit. I just feel that when I said I'd lost friends along the way that I'd also lost some of my family too. I don't blame them nor will it be a wall driven between us - that isn't fair either - I just find it hurtful that I defend my family's non-show all the time.

Sometimes I feel that getting Bladder Cancer made me but just f**ked up the rest of my life. I lost and made friends. I got great insights and lost other vectors on life. I became a better and a worse person all at the same time dependent upon how you knew me. I became humble and passive where before I may have been aggressive and assertive. If you knew me as one of those I probably became the other. This was my survival mode - I needed to be the way I was to survive and beat this pernicious disease that was coming to kill me. It was as if a nasty dream was being realised in real time, some scroat with a gun coming to kill me. How was I to react? Lay over and die? you don't know me then if you think I'd do that - I'd fight and I spoke like I was fighting and came out of my corner all aggressive - against my disease - not against my friends and family! Those who haven't had cancer don't get that. If you wish to live you fight you scramble, you claw, scratch and bite - live is worth hanging onto and sometimes - sod your friends and family because it's all about YOU - you need to survive you need to live - it's all about you and it's all about survival.

Well I'm going around in circles and not answering my own questions and statements - I'm so confused as I don't "get it". I don't understand why my immediate family are so distant - maybe they thought I'd die - maybe that would be OK for them. My poor old Mum who I speak to all the time is taking so much sh1t it isn't true probably would come see me at the drop of a hat but she is bound to my father and the local family. Honour :-)

It cuts me to the bone and yet I have so many good friends who spoil me and always wish me well - I just wish that my family would do something - I feel that they'd praise me to the rafters when I was dead. They just have no idea how to deal with me when I'm alive.

This is one of my rambling on blogs - I apologies to you for that. It's what it is like though - I remember watching the film Philadelphia with Tom Hanks - the one where he had Aids - it was tremendously powerful and portrayed the bigotry that a Gay Man suffered way back then. It is somewhat similar in tha cancer world - there's me - little miracle - still alive - no one understands that - as survivors - it is far more likely you'll meet people like me now - survivors and - wow - you can even talk to us too.

A joke from years ago:

A chap was driving along when he got a flat tyre. Stopping outside the mental institute he proceeds to take off the wheel nuts - putting them in the hub cap so as not to lose them. He takes off the flat tyre and brings the new one from the boot. He knocks the hub cap and the nuts roll down a drain and are lost. The driver is full of woe and holding his head wondering what to do.

An inmate suggests that the driver takes one nut off the remaining three wheels and drives to the local garage - obtains 4 more nuts and adds one to each wheel and he can be on his way. The driver is amazed and asks "how come you can think of that when my mind was a blank and work out that sort of logic when you are incarcerated here?"

The inmate looks at the driver, looks to the sky and says "look here my good man. We are mentally unstable not stupid!"

May I say I know just how he feels. I really love my kids - I'd be mortified if anything happens to them and I'd be there if anything happened. In the 5 years that I've been ill - I have had to be there for my folks - they've never got off their arses and come and seen me. It's all arse about face - for God's sake I was the one who was ill...

By The Way (BTW) it's great having Cancer because you can be really aggressively angry and everyone let's you :-) Let's go for it then shall we?

5 years I've been ill. I've been unable to drive my car, I've had 10% of my working life recovering from shit! I've had pipes shoved up my penis I've had all sorts of stuff happen that you would hate and not once have my parents or my sibling got off their bums and driven the 100 or 120 miles south to see me. NOT ONCE in 5 years. Angry? of course I'm bloody angry.

If I was your child/sibling would you have come and seen me once in all that time? Just once. They've never ever come and seen me. I suppose I should be beside myself but, as they are my "flesh and blood" and that I share the same genetic sh1t as they do I actually understand them - I don't get off my arse and do stuff sometimes - being a lazy git =- however, if my brother had of had this I'd have been up there offering to do driving and whatever his family needed. That is where we differ so much.

Bitter? Yes and No. I am and I'm not - I lived with these guys all of my formative years so I know what they are like. I look back and I'm just amazed that the only person who took any of this seriously is me!

Nuff said!

Seve

I missed the tribute to Severiano "Seve" Ballesteros Sota and so watched it on the BBC iPlayer this evening. He was a wonderful golfer as I'm sure you are aware and his fight with Brain Cancer played out in a programme not so long ago.

He was just a few months older than me. That brought me up short. Just a few months older. Somehow I never see myself as being that old - I mean 54 is no age to die is it?

The affect such things have on me isn't one of sadness or luck but it does make me consider how fortunate I am. His words were something along the lines of "don't feel sorry for me - I have had a wonderful life and had so much - many people are worse off than I am." That's the measure of the man and it was sad to see him in his latter days. However, you can't take away the enjoyment he gave to millions of fans around the world.

Sunday

Up late - spoken to the folks - decided that FOCC can wait until lunchtime and had some bacon, eggs and mushrooms as a treat and very nice too - forbidden stuff but tastes just great :-)

On the FOCC side I have no taken to adding my pro-biotic yoghurt into the FOCC mixture to dilute it before putting the whole mixture over some cereal. This makes it a little sweeter and adds a light fruit flavour to the mixture and that really makes a big improvement over just releasing the thickness with milk.

Today is a sports fest - the delayed Scottish Open is under way (I think) it will be a full on day as they have to complete Friday's second rounds - they've had localised flooding, landslips and all sorts to contend with. It is Davis Cup Tennis, Tour de France and Silverstone Grand Prix and if that wasn't enough there is Super Bikes on too plus GP2 and Porsche Super Cup. I feel a sit on my arse day coming up :-)

On the good news front A has sold one of her photographs (she's already sold some of her stunning painted chairs). Finally the photo of Brighton Pier has sold - I think it was a £50 one and there had always been a lot of interest in it. I'm sure Brighton Pier has many photos taken of it but she captured the complexity and beauty of the construction it looks as if it is a black and white shot when in reality, when you look closer it is a colour one. That's why photographers are different to most of us they have an eye for showing us something we didn't see when we looked at an object. Her exhibition work is packed up ready to go - it is interesting as she has spent quite a bit of money on the frames which are double sided glass so that you can see the work behind the photograph (these are the photos that have needlework on them). It is all encouraging stuff for her as an artist - I'm really pleased for her - she works so hard that she deserves to be rewarded and perhaps she can make a few more sales... She'll be able to keep her poor old ageing dad in his dotage :-)

Sometimes you just can't make it up

So L wants to sell her iPod and we put it on eBay and get a reasonable price for it and send it off. Punter drops us a line saying it doesn't work. We write back suggesting that it may need rebooting and that you don't push hard on the controls they need a light touch and also that you have to be a bit careful that you are pushing in the right area.

We get a half hearted apology back saying that he's bought it for his 5 year old who can't operate it and so wants a refund - which we arranged today and got the goods back. How on earth can a 5 year old operate something that is lightly touch sensitive and surely to goodness they aren't going to have the patience required or the good sense to look after it properly! Good grief. I hated doing eBay trading as so many people just didn't play by the rules or did things like this. We won't sell it again now as we can't be arsed frankly. Who wants to deal with idiots like that?

It is very good that I don't say what I think to these people :-)

Back Ache

Completely gone and normal service is resumed. A good day yesterday and lots of progress on the business front. Now to just buckle down and sort the business plan out.

As usual though I'm sat at my computer and really shouldn't be. I also realise that I should also be doing some other non business work too but have left it sitting in a pile by my desk - oooppps.

The fun of it all :-) Anyway a good day - Silverstone Grand Prix today and tomorrow so will look forward to that and try not to be computer bound all weekend.

Good News

Yep - my bad back is just a twinging reminder when I get up or down from a seated position. So far so good. We had a full on business day ending at 6.30 pm but all sorts happened before then it was a bit fragmented but we got out of the day what we needed to and that's great. It wasn't as tough as I expected it to be but I'm always well prepared and I'm always surprised that I'm surprised that I am properly prepared :-) Stupid but there you go.

We retired to the pub and back to the Indian - which was great - all 6 of us had the food and my business partner and I paid for the lot of us because they had given up their time for us it was only fair.

It was my third time there in 5 days!!!

I intend to have a good weekend now - I have no more appearances or meetings until September and so it is also my beloved Silverstone (home) Grand Prix (one day I WILL go) and the Tour de France is on and the Open down at Sandwich. Mrs. F. and I were there 18 years ago. Just before L was born. Mrs. F is somewhat vertically challenged and stands 4' 11" in her stocking feet and is quite small so when she is pregnant - well you notice it. It worked ever so well for us as we walked around the Open and she was often offered a seat by gallant people. Bless them all for that I was worried the whole time she was about to give birth at a moment's notice. I had "earned" the weekend away and we had 4 fabulous days of Corporate Hospitality and the most fantastic Golf. Greg Norman won and I saw John Daly driver the 8th (I think) he was really (and I don't use this word often) Awesome. The standard of Golf was just amazing and Nick Faldo lost to Greg Norman. I think that the experience of an Open (especially the last day) is one of those things you can only dream about and when you are actually there it is so easy to get caught up in the moment. Mrs. F. seeing Andy Murray the other day was another such thing. We tend to forget how very fortunate we are to do these things.

I remember saying last year that a friend of mine invites me to a meeting at the Guildhall - it is fantastic, a wonderful occasion and how privileged that I've had that opportunity (and more than once). I need to remind myself of my very great fortune. Some people never get to do that - how fortunate then that I do? Yet I know - I'm certain that some would moan about it.

Those in Sudan and Ethiopia and Kenya at the moment are once again suffering the most awful privations and horrendous problems and for the want of a few pennies the West can save them. They'll never have the privileges that I enjoy, their privilege will be to live and to have their children live. Their daily harsh reality is their privilege. What an awful world we live in that this biblical famine/drought has once again come to pass on these noble people. I wish that I would always be the sort of person who considers this at all time but I don't. I don't think about them when I throw away some food or enjoy an excess of drink or restaurant fare. I'm not a bad person - it's just that I take my life and my situation for granted.

Well enough of this and where it's going tonight - I really feel that I could write a complete book about it but that won't help. I saw the news and wanted to do something but that won't help as I too have dependants on me so it doesn't scan. As I say that's enough for now....

And bang - your energy is gone

As a Cancer survivor one of the things I notice most is the lack of energy I have - I've spoken about the fright or flight problem that is associated with cancer and it's similar outcomes to post traumatic stress disorder. You have nothing left in the tank. You energy is limited and that's a bit like it is now. I've worked really hard tonight to be the sounding board to someone who has a "few" problems. OK it isn't life threatening but it isn't great and so he has family, business and other problems and is getting it in the neck from his wife who doesn't understand the complexities of the problem.

I can understand this as I am no automation going to work 9 to 5 to collect a pay cheque and neither am I your basic single task automation. Here is the issue then. Does he sit down and waste his talent just to bring in the dollars or does he do what he is good at. Can he exercise his judgement in terms of his ethics and beliefs and move away from the job as it is abhorrent to him?

As attentive listener and therefore arbitrator - replaying his scenarios back to him and trying to get him to come to his own decision using logic it has been a busy night. We ended up going for a curry - the same one I went to Monday and will go to tomorrow!!! How we laughed :-)

At least I think he has gone away with a thought through series of answers and actions. He is also turning up tomorrow being one of my key people - I nearly lost him tonight and I don't want that to happen as he is a key member of the team - I think he has also gone away with that message which I have not told him before. He's important to our success so perhaps there is something afoot here to make it so.

I say my energy is gone and so it is - I'm exhausted as I've been sorting out someone else's problem again. It is also exactly a year ago since I had one of the worst nights of my life when my Nephew got what I can only attribute to being alcohol poisoning and I had a bit of a meltdown trying to sort out someone who was in terrible distress. I didn't say it in that post (maybe in another) that I went to pieces as it was family and I just didn't know what to do or how to sort it out - I was on the phone to Mrs. F. and just blubbed up and then did a "get a hold of yourself" talking to and was then able to sort it out. I reminded him of the fact tonight just to get my own back if nothing else :-)

These things just drain you as you are on your guard and having to react to things and be balanced. Anyway - things are Ok and I'm off to bed. My back is giving me some jip at the moment and rightly so but I hope that tomorrow will be better again.

As I may often say to myself "Why me?"

Back problem

Is easing today and I can actually move around without hunching over :-) The pain of getting up and down is also going away which is a big relief I can tell you. For someone who rarely got ill and has only had a few odds and ends go wrong in my life it sounds as if I'm always ill these days - which I'm not. I hate being ill and having a bad back really has been a nuisance this week.

Big meeting tomorrow with the whole gang for a business review. We really hope that we can put the last areas of the business to bed. We have some really good guys involved and with a bit of luck we can nail these final bits and then do a two or three week burst of activity to finalise things.

I'm off out tonight now as I need to go help someone who is feeling pretty deep in the dumps. Luckily it is local so no worries about walking or travelling and screwing up my back. I've cancelled today in London as I was worried about that to start with. This though sounds like it needs my attention. you know when someone is telling you something and they go quiet on you? Well that's what I heard in the call and after waiting and then asking the 'bleeding obvious' "are you OK?" realised he wasn't and offered the meeting as he and I go back a long way and have some 'history' about such things. Anyway, that's to happen later. I could have done without the 3 hours of no internet access which remains an unexplained fault yet the 2nd time in 24 hours it has happened. I know it isn't a fault at this end as my network monitor indicated exactly where the fault was. My supplier isn't admitting anything so three hours lost with me doing my customary tracing and re-booting to find it wasn't me at all :-)

Better get on with a little light clearing up as the office needs to sit 6 of us tomorrow :-)

That makes sense

A friend suggested that this may be down to the compensation I was making for my incredibly bad leg last week. Goodness - it sounds like I'm an old crock but I feel fine apart from my back giving me jip! I guess though that's possible I walked about 4 miles with the bad leg and was favouring it and walking all sideways.

I cancelled tonight's meeting and have just taken it easy with watching a couple of DVDs I got for my birthday. I've cancelled tomorrows trip to London for the same reason. It feels a little easier right now - and I'm off to bed to get a good nights rest.

It's amazing how these odd things keep cropping up. Anyway - things could have been a lot worse - they might have found something when they checked me out a few weeks back. I need to keep a sense of perspective :-)

Not good

My back isn't right and it's making my leg buckle every now and then when I put weight on it :-( It's OK when I sit or when I stand but transition between those steady states is accomplished with ooohs and aaahs!

Discretion being the better part of valour etc I have cancelled going to tonight's Lodge meeting and tomorrow's lunch in London. I'd like to go but I know I'm just going to make my back worse if I do.

I can't imagine that this was just doing exercises as I was pretty careful to be quite gentle about it.

Oh well - take it easy I suppose and see how I get on.

Well that's unusual

I don't often get a bad back. I wonder if it was the exercises I did yesterday - I wasn't particularly vigorous with the stepper or the dumbbells but I suppose not having done any exercise for 2 weeks may be a contributory factor? It is very unusual for me to have back troubles - occasionally of course I suppose.

I've cancelled my Wednesday and Thursday outings as I'm not certain that I'll be OK for them - its a lot of up and down stuff and it is a nuisance but I need to be ready for Friday as we have a big team meeting here at the house with most of the team here. We are really quite close to the end of the road now and after this meeting which will set the direction for the last part of the business plan we can pretty much get on and complete out work.

It's taken well over a year - hardly believable - but not entirely unexpected especially as we lost half the team along the way! :-) It will be interesting to see what the summer now holds for us in terms of moving things forward.

Let's hope my back holds up - I'm being very careful sitting and getting up. Sitting more especially is quite painful and so I really hope that I can keep it rested and get rid of the problem before Friday. What a nuisance!

It's my birthday

4th July - it's the same day every year :-) Another year older and a lot happier than I was last year. I was alright and a lot lighter than I am now but I hadn't had operation No. 9 at that point and was just about scheduled for a pre-assessment. Little did I know they were going to give me the worst of all 9 operations then :-)

Today though I'm really upbeat and quietly confident that I'm going to have a good July - no hospital for me. No more treatment just an inspection in December. I just need to work on my weight and getting back to do my exercises once again. It has been a difficult week this week but I feel that 2 weeks after the Operation is a good time to restart. My diet is OK but I need to beware of snacking but this week is a pain as I have two big meals coming up and I'm out on the beer on another night too. Oh well - after that there's isn't anything for the foreseeable so I should be OK to get back to my diet and exercising.

Glad I'm still here - 5 years on and beginning to enjoy myself a bit more at last.

Depression the D Word

I was reading another blog and a fellow sufferer has just gone through one of these dark troughs of despair and is coming out of it. Stuff like "the world without me" and other subject matter was almost a precursor to a very quiet blog and the need to be cheered up but not lectured to.

These days the Black Dog doesn't come visiting me much anymore. I used to get huge swings and ups and downs and I don't tend to get that bad. It's pretty horrible and also debilitating you feel physically bad as well.

Today, perhaps the most obvious (to me) fall out is the emotional response I get to seeing anyone hurt, physically or emotionally and it doesn't even need to be real - I can feel it in fictional characters too.

I don't ever think that I was "hard as nails" in the way I was but lots of stuff bounced off me and I wouldn't be affected by it. Now I'm a blubbering wreck sometimes (when I'm on my own) but can also still be pretty effective at the logical, calm sort it out person to start with. It depends on what that was I was sorting out depends on how I feel afterwards.

Anyway - it is difficult to describe it other than more emotional than I ever used to be but additionally a lot better than I used to be too.

So depression? It was an unfortunate part of the process of getting better and one that I imagine you probably have to go through I can't imagine that many would consider it has an upside but I think to go through it you appreciate quite how debilitating it is to others and can therefore empathise with them and it can give you insights into yourself that you probably didn't have before. It's scary as hell sometimes and it's black and dire and not at all a nice place to be. It leaves you tired and weak and emotional and it stops you being you. When you get out of it and that's scariest of all (what if you don't get out of it) things look a lot better but there are lessons you can learn about yourself along the way. You just need to analyse them and to act on them.

I was considering some of the other areas that suffered too. Relationships, friends, family, work colleagues. Then there's my Claustrophobia which has really gotten bad now although I can "manage" it - I do find it still causes me trouble. Getting in a lift on Tuesday was a case in point but luckily they had people managing the process which was good. If I can avoid trains and the tube (underground/metro) then I will too. I've always had this but never had it as bad as it is now.

I find hot places / rooms difficult as I am still feeling these "hot flushes" or I just feel hotter generally. Stick me in a hot place and I really dislike it.

Sleep patterns are still all over the place but that could also be work - as I work from home you can merge work and home and also the mind is racing when doing this level of planning.

Fear - there's a constant nag that every ailment you get is cancer. Don't ask me why, it just happens like that, ouch twinge in knee (cancer), sore mouth (cancer), cough (cancer) etc. Now I'm not sure but I wouldn't be surprised if this a direct reaction to having had cancer? It does appear to me to be a bit of a strange thing that happens.

I suppose though that the bottom line is that I'm pretty much fixed now and that this roller coaster of a journey hasn't just been about finding, diagnosing, staging, removing, treatment and following up the cancer I've had. What you don't get to realise is that there is another experience that you get along the way which includes a physical and mental one that runs in parallel. Add to that the way that relationships change and who your friends really are, who go, stay and new ones and then how people treat you. Then there's your family and their reaction - some good some bad to deal with and perhaps after all of this you realise that there is far, far more to getting cancer than dealing with that on its own.

It's not surprising that every now and then you'd get a little depressed now is it?

5 - it's a magic number

Yes - 5 years - the 5 year survival rate and here are the UK survival rates - suffice it to say that age, prognosis and other factors also play a part in all this. I don't suppose I really knew that much early on and so like many who are diagnosed wondered just how long I'd last and early on, faced up to death - stared it in the face and decided that I'd say "no thanks". I was almost 48 and on the eve of my 49th birthday. So age was on my side, I did have a high grade cancer but it hadn't gotten outside of the bladder so in reality, as long as they could cut that out and control it so it was contained then they'd be able to save me and that they did.

The main thing is that I'm here now and thanks to the wonders of modern medicine and science and the skill of my Consultant and her team. I look back on 5 years and I'm amazed how far I've come and let me tell you how pleased I am to be here still! :-)

5 Years - it hardly seems possible....

5 Years

A bit of fun after 5 years. The first one may have been my outlook 5 years ago and the second one is how I feel now :-) The first is quite a doom laden gloomy outlook - basically in 5 years, that's your lot sunshine and the second one is a far better outlook in 5 years.

Here are a couple of online videos to watch unfortunately they aren't embeded!:

The first is 5 years by David Bowie a bit down beat :-(

http://youtu.be/louXPUW7tHU

The lyrics are:

Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought Id need so many people

A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't a-pulled her off, I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm, fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest, and a queer threw up at the sight of that

I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour, drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine, don't think
You knew you were in this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk

We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, what a surprise
Five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
Five years
Five years
Five years
Five years

The second one is 5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale

http://youtu.be/T8YCSJpF4g4

Here are the Lyrics - far more uplifting I think :-)

Oh, well, in five years time we could be walking round the zoo
With the sun shining down in every me and you

And there'll be love in the bodys of the elephants tool
I'll put my hands of your eyes, but you pick through

And there’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our bodys.
And sun, sun, sun
I’ll die in next
There’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our faces
And sun, sun, sun
So, what the hell

‘cause I'll be laughing around your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we use to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes and drinks to put wine
‘cause it’s what we need to have good times

But it was fun, fun, fun
When we were drinking.
It was fun, fun, fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun, fun, fun
When we were laughing
It was fun, fun, fun
Oh, it was fun.

Oh, well, I look while you’re saying: “it’s the happiest that I've ever been”
And I'll say: “i love to feel that i have to be James Dean”
And you say: “yeah, and I feel a pretty happy too, and I'm always pretty happy when I'm just thinking about with you”

And will be love, love, love
Love through our bodys.
Love, love, love
All through our minds
And will be love, love, love
All over her face
And love, love, love
All over our minds.

And I'll remember all these moments suggesting my head
I'll be thinking about then and there's lying in bed
And I know that you believe that might not keeping come through
But in my mind I'm having a pretty time with you

Five years time
I might not know it
Five years time
We might not speak
And five years time
We might not care about
Five years time
We might to prove it along

Oh, there'll be love, love, love
Wherever you go
There'll be love, love, love

01:15 Friday morning

What on earth am I doing sitting here at that sort of time for goodness sake! I'm charged today - I was flashing back through some of the work I'd done and was mightily impressed with what I'd achieved to date. You forget quite how much ground you've covered when you are working on your own so much.

I pulled out some quite large documents and just needed to top and tail them and issue them. Tomorrow I'll tidy up some of the others and we should soon be ready to get towards finishing things off in our business plan. A big meeting next week to settle and finalise numbers for the next phase and we will probably be in a good position to really leap forward.

I'm feeling OK and the only thing I've noticed is not having done my exercises for a week and a half or so - I'm feeling now that I ought to get back on track so I intend to do that tomorrow. My diet was brought to an abrupt halt yesterday as I forgot we were going out for a meal. The beer was excellent so I just had to have a couple and added to Tuesday's drink and food I'm feeling somewhat guilty but I've gone back to basics today and tomorrow should see me back on track.

Leg Cramp

I'd forgotten - until Tuesday that is - about how they must stick your legs in stirrups - how do I know this? Well I did a fair bit of walking perhaps 4 miles in total getting to an event up in London (which was rather good). My leg just hurt like hell - right at the base of the calf muscle and it was only looking back on the blog I noticed that I'd had leg trouble before. It was bad yesterday - it felt like it was totally stiff as if in a cramp tye seizure - I used one of the DVT stockings from the Hospital and have worn that since last night and it appears to have helped a bit. I am also making sure I get in and out of my seat on a regular basis to move it.

I went to Altitude 360 on Tuesday as my business colleague and I were invited to celebrate the company we are partnering with who received the Queens Award for Innovation - the 2nd time they've won it and Dr. Liam Fox the current Defence Secretary was there and many others from other walks of life, hence I didn't mention it at the time. It's quite an interesting venue as you get to see a lot of London from the Tower's 28th Floor - unfortunately it wasn't the nicest day but we still managed to see quite a lot and had an enjoyable time.

We met some good people there and no one thought that our proposition was barking mad so that was a good sign and we were introduced to some very interesting people.

What it looks like in a plan

Click the image to enlarge it.

I decided I'd map out what the last 5 years have looked like in terms of Operations and Treatments and Flexible Procedures and the one IVU. I added some traffic lights (it's not my fault - I'm a Program Manager and I need these things to show I can do my job! :-) ).

It's a busy old time and if you consider that in 2007 when I was trying to help set up that other business - I was having BCGs and 2 operations. In 2008 I started at the Charity and even then my schedule was pretty bad - good grief I had no idea it was that disruptive. If you consider that for 24 hours after BCG you really can't do anything and even a day after that you are unlikely to be at your best you can see how quickly time off work would accumulate. There are a total of 24 BCGs so that's close to 24 days off but quite likely to be close to 36 in total as it would be a half day on the Monday and most of Tuesday. Each operation and there have been 10 would have meant around a week off but in two cases it was close to a month (the first TURBT), 2 weeks (Re-TURBT) and last years Operation took me out for about a week and a half. That's 4+2+7+1.5 = 14.5 weeks in terms of operations and time off. Add to that 10 out patient appointments of half a day (5 days) and the IVU (1 day) and then the 3 flexis at half a day (1.5) and that adds up to around

36 days + 72.5 days + 5 days + 1 day + 1.5 days = 116 days or 23.2 weeks. If you add the days that I didn't go to work because of Post Cancer Related Fatigue - it could easily top 25 or 26 weeks - around about half a year in total. In 5 years, 10% of my time has been used up in some sort of procedure, treatment or recovery.

It will be 5 years this Saturday since that fateful day in 2006 when my life altered for ever. What a Roller Coaster Ride. I'm actually pretty glad I made it to the 5 years - I didn't think that was going to happen - or I wasn't sure it was is probably the right way of looking at that.

It hasn't all been a negative experience though. I'm a quite different person now and I have different values and a different outlook on life. It's not quite been an epiphany but it has changed the way I look at material things and life in general. In a way I wished there had been a more painless way of finding this all out :-)

Bladder Cancer may be a bit different to other cancers (but I don't know). You would find it difficult to know you had it - you can't actually feel it as such. However, the treatment they give you (and I'm sure this is pretty much the same for other cancers too) is the thing that makes you ill, fatigues you, and dare I say it makes you feel ill (of course it is making you better - therein lies the great irony of treatment - it DOES make you better but at the same time makes you feel ill).

So I'll leave you with the chart to ponder. Now work out what all those visits must have cost? 10 Operations, theatre staff, anaesthetists, nurses, cleaners, caterers, porters, drugs, equipment, heating, lighting, back room staff etc. 24 BCGs, the drugs, the throw away equipment, the nurse(s), the bio hazard precautions and the disposal costs. That's why bladder cancer is the most expensive of them all. I could be being monitored for another 25 or 30 years - I'm in my early 50s so it is possible, now think of the cost? I'm rather glad that I'm not paying directly for this myself, rather my NI payments over the years are.

Stage and Grade of Tumours etc

I re-read some of my notes today and had quite forgotten one phrase that rattled me which I'll repeat below.

Here is a list of stage and grade from Cancer Research UK

My first diagnosis was G3pT1 with earlier invasion. That's:

G3 - Grade 3 cancers have cells that look very abnormal - they are called 'high grade' or 'poorly differentiated' and are more quickly growing and more likely to spread.

p - I'm not sure if this is papiliary or pathological state

T1 - the cancer has started to grow into the connective tissue beneath the bladder lining.

It was described as "moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him"

That was in August 2006!

By October 2006 I had CIS which is Carcinoma in Situ which is also high grade.

CIS - very early, high grade, cancer cells are detected only in the innermost layer of the bladder lining.

This is when I started BCG Immunotheraphy Treatment. I had 6 rounds of BCG

In May 2007 there was one small area of CIS and I had a further course of 6 BCG instillations.

In November of 2007 I was clear no evidence of malignancy.

I then had 3 maintenance instillations of BCG

In May 2008 I was once again clear no malignancy or CIS and had a further 3 maintenance instillations of BCG.

In total then 18 instillations of BCG.

In January 2009 there was mild Atypia but this could have been caused by the procedure itself - I was told I'd need more maintenance but this was not needed.

In October 2009 I was once again clear and no evidence of malignancy or CIS.

In May 2010 I had a small recurrence which was a G2pTa

G2 - Grade 2 cancers have cells that look more abnormal - they are called 'medium grade' or 'moderately differentiated' and may grow or spread more quickly than low grade

p - as above and

Ta - the cancer is just in the innermost layer of the bladder lining.

I had to go back in a month or so after this and was warned that "if he continues to get recurrences he may require some more invasive treatment in the future". Don't tell me that isn't chilling? Now I've re-read it it surely is but this was written by the Registrar not my Consultant this time :-)

In August 2010 I was clear and could go onto Flexible scopes.

I had a scope in December 2010 which was clear as was my urine cytology. As you may be aware in April 2011 they saw something they didn't like but in June when I had yet another operation nothing was found there at all.

I look back on this lot with amazement - I'll have to map this out somehow to make sense of it all. What I recognise now is quite what a journey I've been on so far. I hope that I continue to remain clear and that I don't get any more recurrences small as they may be :-)

Monday - Inspiration

And perspiration as we get a really hot day up in the 30s and humid too. Expecting a big storm tonight to finish that off and a fresher day tomorrow. All hell breaks loose in the household tomorrow. A goes of to Uni with Mrs. F. driving her to the station and then goes off to Edinburgh. At the same time L's boyfriend J arrives driving himself around the M25 in the morning rush hour - brave boy :-). My business partner arrives late morning when we will "do lunch" and then we are back here for a couple of hours then off to London to celebrate one of our (hope to be) partner companies getting their Queens Award for Industry - a prominent cabinet minister will be there and we will be at an interesting location overlooking the Thames with a wide view around London. More on Wednesday.

I finished off filing my medical stuff today - it looks pretty incredible all stored together in one place filling a whole Lever Arch File already. Although that does include a load of stuff that I might throw away as I get paperwork each time I go in.

I wonder what they;ll say on the letter to my GP this time?

That's Better

A much better day - I got more done this morning than the whole of last week! What an improvement. I just didn't get anywhere last week at all. I now see that! I shouldn't have wasted time doing anything last week really and I know that - like many - I just felt I should be doing something but I was probably completely counter productive!

Putting order into my illness

I have 5 years of paper, leaflets, appointments, notes made about the BCG treatments, Operations and Pre-Assessment notices and lots of other correspondence that were in a drawer just being stored ready for today when I filed them. I need to do a final chronological sort as it was getting dark outside when I finished getting the paper work into years and into order.

Such a lot has happened, there were so many dark days in those papers, so many deep dark black dog type depressions and do this reminded me of how far I've come along this particular journey. I dearly hope after last week and the clear I got there that much of this is behind me now. If I can continue to work hard on keeping well and eating properly etc then perhaps I can keep bladder cancer away and ensure it never comes back - that would be a good goal I think.

Talking about something that makes you feel alive this from Glastonbury was perhaps the performance of the weekend - it was amazing - such energy.

Actually sat with the family for 10 minutes

Had a barbecue and a few glasses of wine but that's the lot everyone has disappeared off to their respective space in the house. I've left Mrs. F. watching some detective type programme. I've watched my Grand Prix and the only thing that's on TV is Glastonbury Festival - not certain if there are enough good bands on tonight that I like to stay up and watch - they had U2 and Coldplay on Friday and Saturday. Nothing against Beyonce - but that's not quite my scene I'm afraid.

I think I might go sit outside - it's nice a cool out there and perhaps I can do something constructive whilst there.

It's a beautiful day

It's getting up in the high 20s and reaches the 30s tomorrow. It's hot as you like outside, I've finished watching the GP in Valencia and there's nothing left to do really. I've just wandered past the PC and thought I'd drop a few notes down but no one is around both A and L are at work. Mrs. F. Is vacuumming upstairs somewhere and I'm sort of home alone.

Perhaps I'll just fix up a drink and go sit outside for a while - why not?

Which reminds me

That I've had a funny old week really. I don't suppose that this time last week I could have hoped for any better news than I actually got. I mean clear for goodness sake - how good is that? I'm really made up with the news but I totally forgot how shitty I'd feel after the General Anaesthetic. I've got a tasty bruise on my hand too and I have no idea quite why the rest of hand feels so sore?

I've tried to get back to working but decided against it really after two or three miserable failures. Next week - and I mean starting on Monday I will get back to normal (or try to). I am going to restart my exercises which I was planning to do this week but thought that I'd just harm myself rather than help.

We are so close on the business front that I just want to get stuck into that. I know we can't rush this last and vital piece, which is a shame so it too has to be taken slowly and steadily. I don't want to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and so it is all about taking things a little slowly at the moment and making sure that everything is spot on. Then it's time to see if we have a business or are just barking mad :-) If it is the latter then we have to go and think again, or move to the US and go talk to the Palo Alto guys.

What you forget is people die of this

And here is a one such story - Nick Charles of CNN - probably far better known to my American Cousins than known over here but another victim of Bladder Cancer. He only had it 2 years.

Sometimes I want to get to the point of saying - "do you realise I could have died of this?" but I don't. A lot of the time that's stored away out of mind - it's not good to dwell on such stuff apart from the occasional "There but by the grace of God go I" moment. I tend not to think of it too much but occasionally a story like this comes along and it just pulls you up a bit, enough to make you stop and think and reflect.

A lot of people thought I was going to be fine, a number weren't sure and a number (I think) thought I was going to die. Luckily for me then that I am where I am right now - I guess remission isn't the right word but Cancer Free is.

Spare a thought for the Charles family and all who have lost loved ones through this pernicious disease but also celebrate the many of us who survive through the wonders of modern medicine, the dedication of researchers, nurses and medical staff.

I perhaps need to remember that people die of this and pay a little more respect to my condition than I sometimes do. I'm a lucky guy, I'm alive, I'm healthy and I've survived Cancer in my Bladder.

Oooppss

Well it's 01:20 and I'm sat here at my computer compiling my birthday list and time has run away with me. I see that all I have on here are DVDs. There isn't much that I actually want these days. It sounds sad but I have most things I ever wanted and I have my health and my house is paid for, I have my car and things, such as they are - home comforts I suppose you'd call them and so it's only things like films and music that I'd like and enjoy. Books - well I have hundreds and hundreds and many still need to be read so adding to that burden isn't going to help.

I'd like some luxury foods but I'm dieting and beer and alcohol will only add more to my figure. It's quite strange really that I don't really "want" anything at all. I'd like some day to own a nice watch and so on but that can wait until I have sufficient disposable to do that. I have a nice watch now but not a gold or an antique one for "best" :-)

In a way, things don't much matter any more - even photography which I used to enjoy so much is no longer that interesting. I guess other things are more important :-)

I suppose I'd better get to sleep although to tell the truth I've already slept for about 2 hours during the day.

Body Shock

As described to me yesterday by my colleague. It isn't just the chemicals they pump into you, it's that your body has been invaded by plastic and metal objects, you've been attached to machines and goodness knows what they do to you once your under. I have the usual shaved thigh where they attach the grounding strap - when they cut away a piece of your bladder it's done electrically and the connection on your thigh makes the circuit. It cauterises as it goes - clever. One shaved thigh takes a bit of explaining though :-)

Then there's the stress of going in and the stress of anticipation about what they'll find. I was sure it was precancerous or very low grade beginnings of a tumour. That was answered very quickly but even so, you are probably a lot more stressed out that you think you are and you have also spent time managing that stress and managing the situation - I had music that I'd chosen and spent some time loading onto MP3 players, charging electronic gadgets, getting ready to go in and possibly stay in and so on.

The only person who is surprised that I'm not really firing on all cylinders and that dear reader is me :-) Only I don't get it and that's just typical. I suppose that's just me - I make no allowances for myself and perhaps I ought to. I barely realise how ill I must have been these past 5 years. Poorly, I'll grant you but gravely or seriously ill - is something I've tried not to think about or allow into my thought process. It's actually caught up with me a few times. A bit like now how I feel and how I am are two entirely different things.

A little better

I took my colleague's advice and gave up trying to work and had a bath and then came downstairs and watched a DVD - Gettysburg - a long one but very interesting to see that particular battle unfold and some of the characters in it.

Wimbledon was on later so watched some of that and feel a little better about things now. I'll see how I am in the morning. I do find that I feel particularly guilty for not being back at work but if I'm not actually producing anything because I can't concentrate then quite what AM I doing :-)

Had a few phone calls congratulating me on my results but a little disturbed to get a sort of half facebook message from a distant relative who has a brain tumour (probably benign). Have dropped an email over to see if I can help in any way. It's a shock, he's about my age or maybe a bit younger.

I think I'll head off to bed and get myself an early night and see if that helps things.

The Roller Coaster

It never ceases to amaze me how often I go from a high to a low in quick order. I have to remind myself that I only had an operation 3 days ago and that I should be resting instead - I've tried to get back to work and I feel pants for it.

I beat myself up because I'm "letting the side down" and yet I'm not really, it's a work ethic thing and I feel pretty bad that I'm not pulling my weight this week but a chat with my mate sets me right about that and I'm ordered to stop trying to work (basically because I'm getting nowhere and getting nothing done and frustrating the hell out of myself). He's been through similar things to me and so we agree that this is a good move and I bow to his commands.

It's pretty much a case of how much cr@ps been pushed into my body and the trauma involved, even if they didn't actually take any biopsies.

I have decided to potter about, do a bit of filing and tidy up my desk then go and have a bath and then come downstairs and watch a DVD or something resting.

Now I'm feeling tired

I do try not to overdo things but last night a friend called up and we don't see each other much these days and so I went out and had a couple of beers and a lovely long chat with him. There was a band playing in the other bar - it was a bit loud and so made conversation "interesting".

Got home gone 11 and just felt flat - and this morning I continue to feel quite low. Not about results just in myself I feel out of salts.

My cousin (in-law) in the US has a phrase about "just the occasional tumbleweed passing through" - which pretty much sums up my brain at the moment. It is sunny so I might just go and invest 20 or 30 minutes in the sun and see if that assists me, it is a bit breezy out there too so perhaps the old tumbleweed will move on out somewhere else.

Now I'm feeling happier

It's had a little time to sink in now. There's nothing there, nothing at all, I'm clear - still. That's great news and it's just fab, I'm finally getting there and finally beginning to believe that it is possible that I can continue to make this a common occurrence.

With two conflicting pieces of information I'm not certain how to call the FOCC diet but, as far as I'm concerned - I've seen an improvement in my physical and mental well-being with it and even if it helps a little in terms of helping me keep my blood pressure down and it looks to have done the same in terms of cholesterol too - then who's to say it isn't performing little miracles elsewhere?

I'm just amazed that it's only been a few weeks and I'd sort of expect a longer term effect but there you go.

Of course, I could just be a little too excited by it all and it is nothing really :-) I doubt it but there you go.

I really am feeling chipper about this - it's probably the best news I've had for a long time and to know that the summer can now be free of Hospitals and treatments is just great. Let's see what long term FOCC will do for my health.

I don't often let myself loose with a Yippeeeee - but there you go - you just got one.

What a little miracle that was - I am really liking this feeling at last.

Mrs. F. and L are happy

As they have tickets to Wimbledon tomorrow - Court One and Andy Murray is second match on. Much excitement as we've just found that out and so L is getting slightly hyper :-) It's a nice treat for her to go after her exams and they'll both be very excited - they are choosing bright clothes so I can see them on TV - they'll be a couple of rows back near the scoreboard apparently. As we didn't luck out on any of the Olympic tickets this will have to do I guess :-)

I have placed my beers in the fridge and intend to do some work in the morning and then take the afternoon off sit back and have myself a little celebration and why not watch the match at the same time?

I'm feeling OK, if still a little sore, but that should ease down in the next day or so and I've done next to nothing today to make sure I don't mess up my recovery.

I am so pleased that Mrs. F. and L will get to see Andy Murray as long as it isn't raining I guess. L deserves a day out after finishing off her exams and getting her Uni place in Cambridge.

Scar Wars X - The Red (or Pink) Dwarf

A long, long time ago,
In a Galaxy far, far away
Our hero Dave-Sky-Nando, Jedi Master, Cancer Survivor and all around good guy
Re-visits Darth Urologist and her evil henchmen as they attempt to discover what devilry is at work
An Empire Probe discovered, on the planet Bl'dar, that a hitherto unknown raised red spot has appeared.
Now - with an eye watering sized probe, Darth Urologist attempts re-insertion to ascertain the secret of the raised red spot.

I'd prepared for the long haul this time. I had no less than 3 MP3 players, loaded with music, batteries charged at my disposal and my trusty Kindle, loaded with books both audio and ordinary as well as some more MP3 tracks. I wasn't going to get caught out this time.

I had my early morning breakfast, now a habit of Flax Seed Oil, Cottage Cheese, ground Flax Seeds and poured that over some Weet-A-Bix and Cheerios. That together with a coffee was the last I'd have until after the Operation. I was allowed water which I continued to drink up until 11 just before I left.

I did 30 minutes of exercise on my orbital trainer and then did 5 minutes with the dumbbells which is pretty much my usual work out but this time I did this to some music by Camel which meant I didn't freak out and over do it - lesson learnt is not to exercise to AC/DC or other band of that style :-) I measured my Blood Pressure and it was OK - it was certainly the highest it's been for a while - not surprising I suppose. Next a shower and after that I continued to make sure I was hydrated. I sat around playing Solitaire and Mah Jong and made a note or two on the blog and by and large that was all I did. At 11:05 I left the house and with Camel still playing in my ears had a stroll up to the Hospital arriving at about 11:30.

Having arrived at what used to be Surgical Admissions I then spent 5 minutes looking for it's new location. It didn't matter, when I got there they said everything was on schedule for 1:30 start and that they'd let us know if different. Whatever pencil pusher decided to locate the new Surgical Admissions in a corridor and a small room in the old Private Hospital area should work out that we aren't allowed anything to eat or drink and so situating us outside of the kitchen where food was being prepared and served was cruel indeed. We have to sit together on a bunch of chairs waiting for our anaesthetist and Consultant (or Registrar). I decided that the seats in the corridor area were better as there was a slight breeze there. I had to move shortly after as a man in a wheelchair and his son turned up and it was easier for me to move than try and rearrange things. I turned on my MP3 player and was only disturbed three times - anaesthetist, Consultant and the Nurse to get me ready. Why on earth you should have to be there 2 hours early for the 2 small meetings is beyond me - I could understand the old way as it got you ready, in the zone etc. This way was like the old way and isn't great for your nerves. Each of you waiting to be called for your operation just before it happens! Mmm, I don't like it at all.

I was called in 2nd to get ready and this also corresponds with where my name is on the list - good that makes sense to me - they always say that where you are on the list doesn't count but there you go. Actually that more or less always happens I'm normally first or second to go.

I was taken to a room that I'd been in to twice before and got changed into Operating Gown and sexy DVT Stockings (I've quite a collection of these now - ideal for flying BTW). I heard a lot going on about lack of beds due to high A&E activity at the weekend.

It wasn't long, say 30 minutes, and they came and took me to theatre. They forgot my notes so had to go back and get them. I met the anaethetist and other prep person who got me ready and stuck the cannula in - this time on a different vein to the usual one towards the index finger side of my wrist.

That's all I remember - I could feel myself go out like a light and then I woke with a real start - quite a shock or jolt to see the same two guys - who told me it was all over and that I was fine. They wheeled me out to recovery - just across the way and I had some of the most wonderful tasting water yo can get. The stuff is ice cold and tastes brilliant after not having had a drink for some time. As they stuck an Oxygen Mask on me I did the first set of checks. Was there a saline drip in my hand - No. Was there a Cathether? No. Anything else - nope - all looked good and the Oxygen brought me out of my drowsiness in minutes.

Perhaps 10 minutes into the Oxygen, they came and asked whether I'd like a sandwich? Well yes please and I didn't mind what it was - I eat anything and would be grateful for whatever they had. So in pretty quick order they came with some orange juice, a cheese and tomato sandwich and some strawberry yoghurt which I carefully ate remembering from past experience trying to eat too quickly post operative isn't clever.

I then got transferred to the less serious end of the Recovery room - this was unusual but I had had this before - I'd actually been prepared in this room once before but generally they get you out to ward but again I heard the nurse stating that there were few beds and to be honest, I was the only one there who wasn't particularly groggy or connected to various pipeworks. Not nice seeing all the pipe works connected to these guys as I had that myself last time and on a couple of other occasions. The Nurse who came to attend to me was my own Princess Leah, in fact she looked more like Tilda Swinton than Carrie Fisher but with the most piercing blue eyes. Anyway enough of that already :-) She told me that as soon as I had managed to "have a pee" - that's pass water to some of you :-) I could go home. So she plied me with more of their fabulous cold water and after about 15 minutes I suggested that I could give it a go. With a little initial pain (it's stinging rather than anything else) managed to almost fill the bed bottle they gave me. Well it isn't a bottle anymore it is some sort of moulded cardboard and amazingly they drop some powder into it that solidifies the urine and just throw it away - amazing.

At this point my Consultant came and saw me. She is brilliant, I trust her and I like her straight talking a lot. She told me that once "I'd passed urine I could go home". I told her I had so she was pleased with that. Then she told me that she'd been "Unable to find anything in the bladder and all was clear". As all was indeed clear she "Wouldn't have known where to start taking biopsies and therefore decided that it wasn't necessary". So that meant that I was clear and that she wouldn't need to see me for 6 months. When they saw me in 6 months it would be for a check flexible cystoscopy. She did say to me before the Operation that these things fade and can be transitory and if so she would still cut it out to test it and take some biopsies locally. Obviously that didn't happen. She felt that there was a possibility that as the flexible scope was inserted last time it may have hit the bladder wall and that may have made the red raised area they saw.

That done, another nurse took Mrs. F's telephone number whilst I texted her mobile to come and get me. She was given unusual instructions and her work allowed her to come straight over and pick me up. She asked reception to ring recovery (which is very rarely done) and then a porter came and picked me up (they won't allow me to walk in the Hospital) and he deposited me with Mrs. F. at the reception. She had been allowed to park right outside the doors and she took me home.

So what does all this mean? I suppose we need to rationalise what we know.

• A visual inspection about 4 or 5 weeks ago showed a red/pink tiny raised area. This was sufficiently different to raise some concerns and that it needed to be operated on and biopsied

• This red raised area could be caused by:

• The instrument hitting the bladder wall on entry during that inspection
• Some sort of anomaly or growth
• The potential result of treatment

• I commenced FOCC about a week after this result
• There is nothing in the bladder now - it's clear

Without the additional note offered by my Consultant about the possibility of the instrument hitting the bladder wall which provides a possible explanation and the fact that it is possible for these areas to fade, I guess it would be difficult not to discount that FOCC played some part in this? It's wonderful news for me. I was most upset that they'd found even a small area that could be a recurrence but of course now I'm really pleased that it isn't.

I now progress from 4 monthly check ups to 6 monthly also adds to the pleasure. I'm very, very pleased, it's what I'd dared to dream the result would be. Again, I'm surprisingly flat about the results in another way, perhaps because I'd prepared myself for them to find something and that they might cut me about a bit like the last time so this great news didn't make me leap up and down but it did bring a stupid smile to my face which I continue to wear when discussing my good fortune.

Here endeth Scar Wars X. I sincerely hope that there will be no Scar Wars XI - we live in hope. I am particularly pleased that it will shortly be 5 years since onset (2nd July 2006) and 4 years and 11 Months since Diagnosis (21st July 2006). 5 years is the "magic" number in terms of Cancer survival statistics - how am I going to celebrate it? I have no idea but it's good to still be here and it's good to have come through this. The Bladder Cancer Journey continues - Live Long and Prosper - as someone stuck on my Facebook Page. I'll try very hard to live up to that mantra.

So how do we call this one?

Well - that was a turn up for the books:

They took me down to Theatre and knocked me out -when I came to my Consultant said there was nothing in there - it was all clear and she "Wouldn't know where to start to take any biopsies". As such she didn't take biopsies and I came home - still a little sore of course.

She doesn't want to see me until December when I have my next scope - yes 6 months!

She had said earlier that these marks can be transient and that they can fade - if that was the case she was going to take it out and do a few biopsies around the vicinity.

The only explanation she had was that the flexi scope may have touched the bladder wall when it was inserted.

So did the flexi scope touch the bladder wall causing the red/pink mark or has the FOCC been at work and cleared away the little devil?

My goodness - what a quandary and what a great result - my little miracle. I'm obviously a bit tired and sore at the moment and so not really leaping about at this news but it's pretty impressive nonetheless.

15 Minutes to go

Just drinking my last water until the operation and getting tidied up ready to go.

I'm OK but I can feel that fluttery nervousness coming on - it will settle down once I am settled and back into my comfort zone and in a way as I go to Theatre - it tends to be a done deal and it will "be what it will be". It will probably be OK once I'm plugged into my MP3 player and walking up to the Hospital.

Ready but

Still 1 hour and 45 minutes to go. I've done my exercise, I#ve read my blood pressure which is semi amusing (well to me not a professional). The Systolic is a bit high and the Diastolic is fine - pulse is a little higher than normal at just over 100. All within acceptable limits and I hope once I've done a bit of deep breathing at the Hospital and plugged into my music that it will be as good as it can be for me.

Drinking water, answering a few emails and generally pottering about at the moment. It tends to drag waiting to go and I'm taking the opportunity to do a bit of reflecting and not too much worrying. I am also just playing with games on the PC like Tetris, Solitaire and Mah-jong - they keep my mind off things and are about all I can manage in terms of attention span.

I realised that I probably cannot do my exercises for a week after the biopsies. I did go back to it too early once and started myself bleeding. Perhaps I'll go for walks around the village to keep active and not do the strenuous stuff I've been used to doing on the cross trainer. On Saturday I actually programmed one myself on the cross trainer and nearly knackered myself doing it. On Friday I did the Mountain setting which is great except as you get towards the end the high drag on the pedals really stretches your calf muscles and you need to cool down. these days I do a series of push ups using my legs to stretch my calf muscles and also work on my upper body. I then go onto the dumbbells and do a bit more with those so my exercise routine has gone to around 40 minutes now from 30.

So here I am again - for the 11th time (if you count the time I got sent home as there we no beds). Ready to go into Hospital - I'm an old hand at this now and so I know what's coming, what's expected of me etc. I'll see if I can ask to go out today if possible but I'm prepared for an overnight stop if needed. It's a good thing that I'm tired too as I can try and get some sort of dozing done whilst waiting for the Operation itself.

Morning

All a bit rude - up at 06:30 but have had a terrible nights sleep. I thought I'd make myself tired out but appear to have stoked my head full of imagery (I watched Master and Commander and Contact on DVD last night). The dreams and nightmares were pretty bad.

I've had FOCC breakfast - it tends to fill me up nicely and just having a coffee - I have 24 minutes to finish that off and then it's water only until 11 as instructed or 11:30 as shown on the instructions. I'll defer to what I was told and stop at 11. I'll probably leave here at about 5 or 10 past and stroll up - it doesn't pay to be there early and I'm sure that just after 11:30 will be fine and I can get myself off into the zone.

After writing this I'm going to spend a short while messing around on the internet. Then I'm going to do some exercise, have a shower, pack my bag and then get myself ready to go. It's meant to be a sunny day - it's actually drizzling at the moment. Mind you, it is the start of Wimbledon so anything can happen.

Oh well - let's see how things pan out :-)