So - Cancer - How Does It Change You?

I wondered whether I should introduce this now and of course it is probably appropriate to examine again how life changed after the diagnosis.

1. you're going to die.  Whatever you may think about this is the one that materialises right up there at the very beginning.  I recollect being upset that I may not see the girls live to become married, graduate, have children etc. 
2. It will hurt.  Yes it did but not in the way I was expecting.  The cure hurt more than having the Cancer - which didn't hurt at all really.  It was yukky and nasty but it didn't actually hurt me.  Having the treatment afterwards was a severe trial but grimacing through it meant that it was probably doing me good :-)
3. Self Esteem - forget it - gone - smashed up and thrown outside in the rubbish and cast aside as useless :-(  Absolutely wrecked and pulled down leaving no signs of the original
4. Confidence - yes destroyed and smashed up and generally trodden into the ground as 3 above...
5. Relationships - tested to the very edge and in my case over the edge.  A great seeker out of character of your friends and family.  Those you though were closest disappear - unexpected help comes from those you least expected it.  

These were the quick ones I could think of.  Looking back I took such a pounding I can hardly believe it.  Only now, recently, do I feel physically and mentally able to deal with it and move on.  You can only imagine that the physical shock to your body can be immense but it's dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress that really takes it out of you.  After you get through this and find you are drained of all energy (mentally and physically) you need to recharge yourself.

It has been 8 years now - and finally I am getting back to some sense of normality.  I don't have a problem with fitness and I don't feel sick anymore.  I don't feel as if I need to lie down and take it easy and I don't feel like I'm a victim.

The major change is that I finally got to a point in my life where things mean nothing anymore.  Life is what it is all about and that's where I'm heading in the next few months.  It will be an interesting journey no doubt. 

Meltdown - Was Near It Today

It was one of those things - I really had a huge wobble yesterday and found myself in all sorts of trouble in my head about it.  I live in my own world of certainties, logic and common sense.  When it is disrupted by Mrs. F. as badly as it was over the weekend I really find coping with it difficult.  I already hate the fact that I've hurt her.  I still like her very much and perhaps it is because I am being "nice" all the time that she is finding it hard to deal with me.  

It crossed my mind to think seriously about a reconciliation but then that would always have an edge to it, but I hate to see her feeling so hopeless and emotional and I am trying to be practical but of course, that isn't what she wants to hear.  I don't do this stuff particularly well I believe - I just kept calm and discussed each objection but the melt down really does come from those throw away statements "I'd be better off dead" and that sort of stuff are seriously disturbing but of course they articulate how she is feeling not any intent.  

But that played on my mind all day and it was one of those crazy things that happens - my head went off and did it's usual calculating and scheming and I wasn't able to halt it quickly enough before it then entered my dreams and gave me a fitful night's sleep too.  I look dreadful this morning.  I actually haven't eaten anything all day - I just don't feel up to it at all.  I've had a few coffees and some water but I actually feel as if I couldn't put any food inside me at all.  Strange but there you go.  I will have some tea though and we have our AGM meeting tonight and then perhaps a few beers with Flocky and the lads afterwards.  

I've made a concious decision now not to carry on with any more eBaying before Christmas just let what is up run its course.  It could be that we will know about the house in the next week or so and that will give me something to concentrate my efforts on.  I hope that Flocky and I can find a place and that it will finally give me the time and space that I so desperately need at the moment.  The atmosphere here is awful and I can understand why that is so.  I do feel so very sorry for Mrs. F.  her whole world has come crashing down.  At the moment, it's all my fault and I imagine she despises and hates me for that.  Her own future isn't clear and it must be frightening for her but she isn't speaking to anybody again and I keep asking her to do that but once again me trying to help has the opposite reaction and I don't know how to help her out with that.  Most people have told me to steer clear of that and not to get involved.  From my point of view though, she needs to talk it through and to see something positive out of this.  

I'm slowly beginning to feel better this afternoon and it's one of those things I know it is, where I am realising myself the enormity of my decision.  It's a big decision to have made but, and here's the but, it couldn't have been any other decision.  I feel bad because I don't like hurting people.  That's the be all and end all of it.   

I hope that Mrs. F. gets it soon.  She looks so lonely and helpless and I just can't help her I feel very sad about that, very sad indeed.  

Back To Peace And Quiet

I suppose that I should have expected there to be some rough times.  I do though have to stop beating myself up about it quite so badly.  Going out again last night after having been out most of the day was not ever going to solve anything but it got me out of th the house but going to the pub really wasn't the ideal solution.  A long walk may have been.  

I have a number of events coming up and I just need to be certain to pace myself for them - it was OK yesterday no one really asked where Mrs. F. was - a few did and I explained the situation.

So now the house feels quiet and there's just A and myself here.  I have a lot to get on with today and tomorrow which I hope I can just work my way through and then just get things back in to some perspective.  I am out tonight and tomorrow - I am meant to be up in London on Wednesday but I might not go - I just don't trust myself out at the moment and I am going out again on Saturday so in many ways I might be overdoing it.  It is a bit of a problem that sometimes I have which is I tend to self-destruct occasionally, it is something to do with being an INTJ and not being able to deal with stuff or get rid of stuff bottled in.  

Of course, I can get rid of these things if I know I'm doing them and it I identify it in myself early enough.  

So Let Me Get This Straight

You've invited your folks around for Christmas Day and Boxing Day and you haven't told them or only a few of them (who are sworn to secrecy) that we are splitting up.  Now it's my fault and despite you not wanting me in the house which I am doing something about now you are leaving the house and threatening "might as well be dead" to me.  Well it has been just the most unpleasant weekend I can ever imagine so far but actually I'm still OK with it.  

I cannot remember where in the Kubler Ross cycle this is but it is back to where we were 5 months ago and I know that it sometimes happens.  It's just an emotional tirade and I try and tend to manage to be calm and controlled about it.  I just repeated back what we had agreed before hand and that it was me that was moving out and that "the money" isn't a major point - she's prattling on about the fuel bill and having to work all hours but that really isn't the point.  Then we are off on she has no friends and she doesn't want this to happen.

I've tried asking what she thinks should happen or how does she want to fix it especially as she agreed with me that it wasn't repairable but I'm all ears and will listen to a reasoned proposal but it isn't reasoned.  She "hasn't done anything for Christmas" yet I know she's ordered the food to arrive - I've seen the order.  It's probably not helping me going off to this do tomorrow or even explaining that I've actually brought in sufficient money to pay for the fuel bill or anything because logic and reason and calmness are not working.  

Saying you don't want something to happen doesn't make it so.  It's just crazy as I'm sort of commited to leave, start a business and do loads of stuff because that is what we agreed and now she's exploding about me spending that money - when it is clear that if I don't go and actually earn a living then there's little I can actually do other than just take the money and not pay it back into the system. 

I can only guess at the turmoil that's going on in her head - it must be awful but I have to balance this with that's what I've been living with for 10 or more years myself.  I'm not expecting to stay or be "won back" because I know it will not work and in fact that the damage is done and whilst we may indeed be able to paper over the cracks that is what we've done for far too long.  I don't want to head back in to the dark depths of my depressions again and I don't see anyway that it could be anything other than that.  Why do people think you can get back together again when it's broken that bad?  Had a couple of people giving me the can it be repaired talk and at the end of the day - no it can't well I cannot see it - it would have to be an  immense effort on her part, would give me way too much "power" in the ensuing relationship and whilst I can imagine that would suit her I don't think it would suit me.

The one thing I want more than anything is to finally be at peace with myself, get rid of my demons and just spend the next 10 years making a living and then see where it goes from there.  I still feel very sorry for Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about this.  If I look at reconciliation then I know that I will probably regret that and it would be mean of me and wrong to let her hold out hope.  Now she loves me, can't live without me, and so on.  It's a shame that we are in a situation like we are now and after perhaps 15 years she finally plays that card long lost many years ago through circumstances that perhaps were beyond our control or I think things were bad and I deliberately found all those jobs where I worked away from home or spent long hours away.  Who knows?  

It was certainly very upsetting tonight for the second night to have this nonsense fired off at me from the doorway for she didn't seem to want to sit down and actually talk it through.  I try to remain calm and impassive as it would not do for me to raise my voice or get aggressive over this - it won't help and I don't need to hurt her anymore than I already have.   It's just there is no logic, it's denial and negotiating going on, disbelief, then realisation and anger all rolling into one.  They are all defined and obvious stages to go through but I can't help but worry that unless I take a bit of control over the next few days, we aren't going to get this sorted out in time for Christmas.  

I thought it was telling that she said that I was getting what I wanted out of this.  I did explain that it wasn't what I wanted at all but that this is the way it ended up.  I think that confused the issue. She doesn't get that there's if she wants something different - like a different outcome then there needs to be something to put on the table other than bemoaning the facts we went through and she agreed were at the heart of the problem and that she said she would be unable to change.  There's the answer, clear to me but not to her.

Of course it is all one-sided here on the blog.  It's my view of the world and I need to move on and be me, I can't live this half-life I've lived all these years this Oscar winning Actor role I've developed so that many people think we have a great relationship when in truth it was OK but not great.  

Oh well - I've spouted on enough tonight about it, this blog is turning from Bladder Cancer to Marriage Bloody Guidance at the moment - sorry.  

Talking of Bladder Cancer - I wonder if I hadn't of had Cancer whether I would have been here now - I don't think I would have been I was ready 7 or 8 years ago to go and was in a similar mini slump when I landed the best job I'd ever had only to have it robbed away from me 7 months later...  I think I would have just left then if it wasn't for Cancer.  Cancer did start this off though because sometimes you have to have things to live for, whether it's the kids, your family or yourself and I wanted to live for the kids and myself.  That seems wrong but it probably is true and yet for some years I had in the back of my mind that I'd be better off dead than leave my family - terrible thoughts to have but back in the day I didn't like the idea of splitting up and in those days I made several attempts to get things back on track.  

It was again telling that Mrs. F said she no longer had any friends and that all her friends were my friends.  Well she let her friends go one by one and I never did with mine.  But she can talk to my friends I'm sure many of them still think she is a friend but she seems to have conveniently forgotten all of that.  She has other friends and I don't know why they aren't helping at the moment?  They did at the start.  I just can't get involved in this that's the trouble, much as I'd like to make it less painful for her - I just feel that I will have the opposite effect.

It could be a very interesting few weeks - she says she cannot cope and I've said I will step up to the plate as of Monday - I will indeed do that and next week I will take it on myself to sort the house out and get everything ready as I don't want it to be a melt down which it appears to be at the moment.  She cannot see any way out of this and that IS a shame.  I only see today, now and the future as the past isn't hurting me anymore.  The pain I inflict on my wife hurts me, the way she talks to me recently is very painful bit it is her way of dealing with it.  For me it will not last long and once I am away from here then we can start to heal and deal with things one bit at a time.  For the moment everything is darkness, doom and gloom and no matter what I do to demonstrate that it isn't the less she listens and that's a problem.  I can't reason with her and I can't demonstrate that financially she is relatively secure, some people have nothing.  I've put so much into the coffers that there really isn't a problem she can live for 20 years on the capital excluding any income from that capital.  She just isn't thinking straight and me showing her just throws up another objection.

So long winded I know but needed to kick this lot out of my head.  I was so upset that she was talking so negatively again and just not listening or dealing with it.  "It's not what I want" she repeats over and over.  I don't say that back but in essence of course it isn't but she's done nothing in the past 15 years to prevent this train wreck.  Even to the point of mentioning to me that we might split up on a number of occasions all this still came as a bolt out of the blue!

I am out for much of tomorrow - I hope she doesn't start on me when I get home as I will have had a few drinks and don't like to discuss stuff with booze in me - I won't be drunk but will have had a nice drink.  It's all very very painful here at the moment.  I hope that she doesn't decide to walk out because that will mess up everything I've been sorting out for the last 4 or 5 months when she originally was going to go and then wanted to stay.  The whole business is currently looking at being moved out of here.  It is OK if it stays here but I need to know sooner rather than later as it affects arrangements I've been putting in place and totally alters the way I need to tackle the business.  Mind you those plans can be altered but I need to know.

I love the bit about "the money" when this actually costs a bucket load to change tack.  Oh well it's only money and it will be what it will be.  I really don't mind either way what the outcome is as long as it is sorted out fast as I'm in mid plan to be out of here (was meant to be out of here by now) and it materially affects lots of things, plans and people.

Deep Breath Old Chap Deep Breath

It's gone lunchtime and we haven't uttered a word to each other all morning.  No pleasantries, nothing at all.  I will try in a few minutes to break the silence but not sure if I'll manage it.  I've heard about this from other friends who are going through the same thing and I really, really want to be out and away from all of this.  I'm out tomorrow which will be good.  Looking forward to getting up late, hitting the shower, grabbing a good breakfast and then heading off for some drinks and a Christmas Lunch with people I know.  It will be interesting as it will be the first that many people will know that I am not with Mrs. F. - it will be difficult as they will have Christmas Cards written to use both but - no problems I will bat my way through that.

I'm out Monday and Tuesday so that too will get me the hell out of here.  It really is difficult at the moment.  Mrs. F. appears to be spreading the misery widely and I just can't help the situation - I fear I just add fuel to the fire.  So I just disengage and take a deep breath and work out whether to try and reason the thing through or just to let it go.  Many times I just let it go.  I can't make her tell her family and friends, even though it has been 5 months you'd have thought that a few more people would know who would help her out a bit.  Not telling anyone and bottling it up can't be great.   There's going to be no miracle here and her behaviour now just re-enforces my decision to go.

I just want to get out of here and to get some time to myself.  I think I will spend Monday finishing off eBaying and then tidying all that away for a while.  I can always do a filter through what is left and make a decision about what can be thrown and what can be kept and can sort out stuff to be dumped, can go to charity or can go to a home of my choosing.

I will then concentrate on making Christmas work as best as I can.  Perhaps do a tidy of the house from top to bottom and get things as ready as they can be.  Mrs. F. isn't wanting to do anything for Christmas - I think I can probably at least make the effort for the girls, their boyfriends and Mrs. F's family who are coming over for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. 

Oh well - let's see how it all settles out I guess. 

That WAS Nasty

Poor old Mrs. F. - really went off on one tonight.  I'd done the Ironing and done the washing and the dishwasher was on and all was clean and spotless and then she opened up with a few salvos.  Not stuff we haven't been through before but just crazy stuff about how she'll never be able to live locally and she couldn't afford to keep the house and can't afford to live anywhere and so on.  

I've done some calculations for her a few months back showing her that she could actually live in this house for the next 20 years if she wanted to but yes she would have to go to work for the next 10 years.  Apparently she misread that the budget statement is increasing the retirement age so she would have to work longer then she wasn't going to send Christmas Cards and after reading my annual newsletter she wanted me not to send it to a group of our friends although some already know what is going on.  So I did ask what not telling people that we were splitting up would achieve and how come she was playing fast and loose like that? She has told her mum but not her dad and neither of her siblings but I've told our Nephew - but did swear him to secrecy about it.

It's completely crazy and then I got yelled at when I asked if she wasn't sending cards to people did she want me to sort that out?  When I got a couple of the silly responses back after I tried to explain the financial situation to her I wondered whether I should have shot the retort of "And you wonder why I'm leaving you" but I didn't, I drew breath and just tried to go through it again.  

She then explained why I don't see her much as she can't stand being in the house and now she wants to move out.  This is of course completely back to where we were in August when that was what I thought we had agreed to do and it would have made more sense in some ways for that to happen but afterwards it was decided that I would go and she would stay here. 

It's all pretty nasty but you know what?  It just made my decision the right one really because there's no way back when you think like that.  I thought one of the other curious statements about having a place for the kids to stay was also completely bonkers too.  Just because they can't afford a place of their own doesn't mean they are going to stay in this house indefinitely. I would have thought the atmosphere here at the moment would make that particularly difficult in the extreme.  Then the argument was if L ever got a job?  WTF!?  I mean this is a girl who is majoring in Accounts and Finance and has a maths brain and she won't be able to find a job after coming out with a Degree! 

I know it is emotion talking and I think I will change tack early on next week - I will kill off all this eBay nonsense.  Pack all the stuff away in some boxes and then think about what to do with them later.  maybe I'll stack them in my wardrobe and I can get rid of them later - I'll clear down the house of all the junk I've got and then do a preparation for Christmas and just get the place ready for that.  I can clear down the office and see where things go from there.  

I imagine me being pretty calm and not reacting aren't helping things at the moment either.  I am amazed at the ability I had to just keep batting back the arguments with logic.

Trying to explain that the value of the house, the savings and the pensions and everything else she could quite easily live on that for the next 20 years perhaps even 30 years didn't seem to work and I suppose if you aren't thinking clearly and haven't come to terms with what's going on you won't understand it anyway.  I love the bit that she doesn't earn enough at this job and doesn't really like the job (working with children which she chose so because she enjoyed it).  I wouldn't mind but it was meant to be a lifestyle job and now she doesn't like it, it doesn't pay enough money and all sorts of nonsense.  

Anyway - I'm letting rip here - it's as good a place as any to vent my annoyance.  I'll rub salt in the wounds on Sunday as I'm going to the Christmas lunch that this time last year she and I hosted.  I suppose she feels betrayed by me as she supported me through the last year as Master of the Lodge but she never actually wanted to go to that or the do in May.  The more I look at it the more I "made allowances".  I spoke to a friend the other day and was talking about the number of times I'd apologised to him for my wife's behaviour towards him when he used to visit the house.  I wondered if I'd imagined it and he'd been too polite to mention it until I spoke to him.  

So I found myself fighting a losing corner tonight for whatever I say I'd be wrong.  It is difficult to understand how I can see half of the assets of the marriage being OK for me to live on until I retire in 10 years time and she not see that.  It's basic maths that I could rent a place for the next 20 to 25 years and survive until my pensions kicked in.   I'm choosing to set up a business that will provide the money for me not to have to do that.  I don't think Mrs. F. gets that at all.  Many marriages end up with no money and kids being dragged between parents and far worse than this.  

Oh well maybe it is just me.  I had been feeling quite sorry for her and I suppose after this evening I feel sorry that she isn't coping with it at all well.  You'd have thought that after almost 5 months now it would start to hurt less and a more pragmatic view would appear.  I fear that she has always had a very pessimistic view of the world and it's probably even worse now.  The copy of the book has arrived - not sure quite how I'll work that in to the conversation if indeed I should.

Nelson Mandela - Oh To Be Quite Like Him

Or the Dalai Lama and other spiritual people.  They give off great power / aura and seem to be at peace with themselves and talk and act calmly and speak reason.  With his passing a great light has indeed gone out today but at the same time, as an example to us all let's hope that it isn't just words that people use but actions too.  RIP Mr Mandela - surely someone who made a massive impact for his country and continent and the world.

Strange Night

Well - it was all very strange indeed from the unexpected contact and bizarre conversation through to deciding I would go to the Jazz.  When I got there though there was no one there apart from the Steward, his wife and the barman.  Well I thought, I was early and so bought some rather nice Raspberry Porter - my goodness it was lovely and at 7.3% I just had two of those then some Hoppy beer from Surrey at 5.5% and then took my leave ending up at my local for a beer just before heading off home and some more bizarre moments online...

Oh well - that's just the way it happens I suppose.  But I'm a little confused and confuddled but I guess it will all work out well in the end.  If it isn't alright it isn't the end!  Anyway, I suppose it is just me wondering why suddenly this turn of events but again I actually just need to let it ride and see what transpires.  

Saw Flocky for a brief coffee this morning and I he thinks that we won't be moving this side of Christmas which is good as I can plan to get stuff done next week - cards, presents, newsletters and all that good stuff.  Hopefully we might get an idea of when as I am thinking about taking myself away somewhere for the New Year or at least thinking of doing something.  One of the ladies I know suggested that I might like to go the New Year's Eve Ball but she is working there and I said that I wasn't certain I'd like to go on my own really.  I will have a think about what to do but I might need to be around if we are looking for a flat/house by then - I imagine I can play it be ear whatever happens.

Life and the Curve Ball

My friend said he can't make Wednesday night for the Jazz night (1st Wednesday).  I decide at the last minute to go.  I get there and no one there at all.  So I just do the "let's have a beer" bit and I chat to the Steward and his wife who are good people and we get stuck into the Real Ales - the first one is 7.3% goodness sake - I have three of those, two of the Hop beers at 5.5% and decide to head home where I get off the bus - drop into the local who give me two free rolls because they are going to get thrown away otherwise. 

Bad news... I decide to have a small cigar....  I know - WTF!!!  But to be honest it is to do with having stood outside with a load of people all smoking and do you know what - I hated it and smoked - well ran around my mouth - about three swigs and then stuck it out!  No it isn't for me - I stank afterwards.  I wonder if I do things to hurt myself sometimes or shock myself.

Before I went out things got complicated.  My Angel, whom I have distanced myself, reappeared and I'm back to that strange no man's land again.  I don't understand what is happening because she was trying to work out whether Mrs. F. and I can repair it all.  

That really created a stir.  I mean why would she be interested in that?  We both had to leave the conversation at that point but it was all a bit strange, surreal and not helpful because I thought everything was closed down and had gone away and now it's all back here again.  Life is never ever nice a simple but then again, would we ever want it to be?

I Like The Status/Term "It's Complicated"

For complicated it sure is.  I am not in on of these amazing tortuous breakups with all sorts of stuff crawling out of the woodwork, I doubt I'd get a line in the tabloid press for the whole thing is a sad and very slow train wreck that had been coming for years and I find it difficult to contemplate that Mrs. F. didn't see it coming but she said she didn't.  Yet all the warning signs and danger signals were there and it isn't as if I wasn't doing anything about it.  It's all too late now though I can't see a way back but had a waking dream that it was all resolved and all was OK.  

Maybe, some time away will resolve it for me as my mind still plays tricks suggesting it will all be OK and it will be new and wonderful - and of course it can never be like that because it was never like that.  It cannot be some romanticised version of events and it can never be like your dreams which is one of the things I've reigned back in.  The Walter Mitty moments are about as real as me living on the moon.  

I finally started to feel some regrets this morning as I  surveyed the stuff I'll move out with and finding the house quiet and sad where it was a place of happiness and fun for so much of the time here.  I was humbled to realise that the children and Mrs. F. actually were very upset about me being ill.  Maybe I never saw it, I don't recollect anyone ever showing anything though.  Maybe I was too blind to it :-)

It's complicated sort of sums it up at the moment because there are regrets and I am "feeling it" far more now than I have but I think that is because it isn't easy living here and I am trying to come to terms with Christmas (they sell if for families don't they) and all these adverts for the happy family all together for Christmas and I can't help feeling that I may be responsible for a pretty flat Christmas in the house although I am sure that A & L will be able to cheer the place up they can be pretty nutty and with my Crazy Sister-In-Law it could be OK.

I think I will have a chat with Mrs. F. about not getting anything for her Birthday or Christmas - not that I don't want to but it is just not going to be received very well and what would I get anyway?  I'm hoping that the book is here for her because I really want her to get out of the sad and lonely place she is in now.  Ideally I'd like her to go talk to people and resolve it.  I suppose I can want all these things but it isn't down to me.  I feel helpless to help her.  If I try it may be misconstrued and I don't want to build false hope or send mixed messages.  I'd love to go give her a cuddle and hold her but that would be wrong.  Poor thing - she looks so very very sad all the time.

Early To Bed FAIL :-)

Oh well that didn't work - I did go out for a few beers which was nice.  Booked for next Tuesday for the Quiz as it is Lad's Night Out!  Normally there is nothing doing but we can have a quiz sure it will be fun.

I managed to do some work sitting there having a beer, came home and the film The American was premiering on UK TV so watched that - not bad I suppose.  Then Family Guy came on and so I had to watch that but American Dad followed and I'd seen that so came up here and thought better write something.

Cheered up from earlier.  I do find some music quite depressing at the moment.  I love music and Mrs. F. doesn't particularly so I'm the person who listens to it the most but it just seemed to me to be a string of sad songs one after the other.

I'll put a few below so you can see what I mean :-)  They are all lovely songs but oh dear - one after the other - and there were more too :-)

See what you think - I really love everyone of them but how they remind me of this last 5 months. I can only tell you that the words of each mean an awful lot.  

Heavy Afternoon

My mate needed his light fixed so I trotted off there to do that - thought shall I get the bus or walk - well it is crisp and cold so decided a 30 minutes there and back would be good.  Stuck the MP3 Player on and blow me every bit of music was a sad one - Adele, Coldplay you bloody well name it on it came and they are really sad - lost love, won't see you again, fix you, oh bloody hell what a succession of tunes and it meant by the time I'd got home I was in a sad old place indeed.  Just music of course but it does conjure up stuff and paints a story that of course doesn't really exist but hey.  Home now and just going through some odds and ends - I did fancy a pint on the way home but I might just have tea and take myself out for a few beers later - it is normally quiet on a Tuesday up the pub so perhaps just go and have a few beers, take my book with me and spend some time chilling out.

I need to also get to bed earlier - I am getting later and later and need to stop, get to bed and try and sleep.  It's been a strange old day all around today.  I hope tomorrow turns out better.  

The Phoney War

Not that it is a war as such.  No it feels all in limbo at the moment.  Like the World War where nothing happened for months and months.   Something is going to happen, we all know that but we don't know when.  In some ways we don't know what either.

It's a funny feeling, not disturbing almost like being lightheaded perhaps slightly tipsy a middle world half way between one thing and the other.  The atmosphere here isn't great but it isn't nasty or threatening or anything like that.  It is a place of sadness and you can feel it as you walk around here and heaven only knows what it is going to be like when I take my stuff and move out.  I hope that it will settle down but I can see that Mrs. F. wouldn't want to stay here.  I just need her to think this through as initially she was moving out and I was happy to stay here, in fact, had I got the job I would have secured a mortgage and bought her out as I'm happy enough at this house and it would have suited my purposes all around.  She then changed her mind so I'm moving out - there's no way we could live here together for much longer - even now it's 5 months too long.  

I have been looking at my stuff and it's going to be sort of interesting as I haven't really thought what I am going to take and what I am going to leave.  In some ways I can get away with taking very little but then started to list all the "stuff" I have like Lodge stuff - that's a box full of stuff on its own - files and the like.  I've got rid of most of the old stuff but have to keep 6 years records for financials.  I have quite a few clothes and so many books = but do I take my shelving units to house them?  I've some, not a lot, of ornaments and nick knacks that I may just have to box up and leave here.  I have loads of stuff that I doubt I'll use much until I finally settle wherever I finally settle :-)  Then I can imagine it being settled and can all come out and gather dust again!

I am still decluttering as best I can - the problem now is that with auto re listing feature I may end up having stuff for sale in 30 days and that's January so maybe I will switch that off on this lot and see where it gets too.  I suppose I could always just switch it all off at that time.  Mind you it is slowing down now compared to the beginning but I suppose this stuff isn't as desirable or collectable.  I have some stuff that can go up which is Christmas related which needs to go up now to have a chance of making it.

That's another consideration I don't want to be doing too much trading over Christmas - I'd prefer to be sorting stuff out ready to get a real launch in 2014 for the business.  

What To Do With Myself

I wonder if I actually go out on my own this week a few times to try it out?  Sounds strange well why not, I'm going to be on my own and perhaps a wander down to the pub on my own and just have a few beers - I can take my paper work with me and work on the business.  Perhaps I can take myself down to the Jazz on Wednesday despite my friend not being there - who knows who I will meet?  It isn't rocket science after all.

Of course I'm actually a pretty shy person and so that will be interesting but I'll just have to get used to it.  I'm sure it will do me good to start to recognise how I feel about things and what I can do about them.  My local pub is after all well know to me and they know me a little so that's OK too.  The Jazz again they know me - after all I've been going there for 25 years!  

Maybe I'll just take those steps and just give myself that stretch out.

Much Better Day - Weekends Are Pants

It is a much better day today and it is because weekends are a drag and difficult and very awkward indeed.  It isn't hate it is just massive sadness and the house reeks of it.  Luckily I'm out tonight.  I was going to be out on Wednesday but that isn't going to happen now as the chap I go to the Jazz with has an Hospital appointment and so won't feel up to it.

Maybe I should arrange something else for that evening?  That could be a plan - or just take myself off there on my own?  I imagine that would be a bit sad though.

This weekend sees the Christmas Lunch that Mrs. F. and I hosted last year - I'll be going on my own - she thought we both might go but I didn't think it was appropriate.  It is interesting that it was at that do last year I realised how big I had gotten.  I was 3 1/2 stones heavier than I am now and didn't fit into my suit.  I'd put most of that weight on in that year and a lot whilst going you and down to see my dad.

It will be interesting as it will be the first time that many people will realise that something has happened and that Mrs. F. and I are no longer together.  I hope it will not be a bad occasion for all that.  

Weekdays are much easier to deal with I find and I'm able to just focus on getting on with this de-cluttering exercise which in 2 months has raised close to £2,000 which means I can contribute to the house a bit more than I was before.  In fact more than I've contributed in about 2 and a half years or is it 3 and a half years - I forget.  Whatever it is, I need to remind myself that after the distraction of the business I just couldn't get going and now I know why that was and it was interesting/academic in some ways that I the longer I went without a job the more isolated I was made and then became.  Mrs. F. doesn't get it at all or I don't think she does.  It just became an ongoing day-by-day withdrawal of services - if that doesn't sound too crude - bit by bit my life just shut down.  Terribly sad I acknowledge but there you have it.

At least things are changing now and I'm sort of free to get on although it is difficult to just sit down and concentrate on the business at the moment.  I think I might do one more large push now on eBay and then have done with it after that.  It is getting to be hard work now and whilst it makes a bit of cash all the high value things are, I believe, gone.  It is also coming up towards Christmas and so I need to work out what I am going to do about that too.  That said it is getting nearer the time where a potential move may be on the cards and I don't need too much stuff cluttering up my life and I can bring the curtain down on the de-cluttering for a while.

Diet - Haven't Mentioned That For A While

It is going OK and I've stalled a bit I'm hovering around 15 Stone - a bit lighter some days a bit heavier some others but pretty much held firm at this weight for a while.  I have been having a few more carbs of late but I'm not back on them - it's just that I don't stick to the 6 days and a cheat day anymore.  My weight is pretty static and so I tend to perhaps do like this week where I was out three or more times to have had some carbs - some beer too etc.

What I have noticed is that my stomach is pretty much flat now and there is no "love handles" to the sides of my stomach.  My thighs are smaller as are my arms and around my chest.  I'm changing shape and I'm now firmly on the last notch of my belt so - something I haven't been since I got ill - 7 years ago!  So stuff is beginning to fit me.  I hope that I can lose plenty more in the New Year and have a feeling that a new place and a new life will do this for me.  I should have the time and inclination to do some more exercise and maybe I can get the exercise machines somewhere in the new place and can get back to using them during the day.  It would make sense.

My brother has lost 6 stone so far on the Low Carbohydrate High Fat regime and he looked good when I saw him and I'm told he is really getting to look fitter and all his numbers are working.  I suppose I ought to go to the Doctors and get my BP done and catch up on this Chest thing I did.  I wonder if it will be different now considering it was done a day or so before I asked Mrs. F. for a divorce?  I'm guessing I was pretty stressed out when I went there and hopefully I won't be this time.

I'm going to carry on with the lifestyle changes - I don't feel anything but fit and healthy I have to say.  Long may that continue and let's hope new scenery will help me get to losing some more weight in the New Year.

Another LONG Weekend

It is hard work rotating around each other - luckily I was out Saturday afternoon / evening and Mrs. F was out most of the day.  I lay in bed for a few hours this morning to keep out of the way and we have been revolving around each other all day.  I leave her to watch her TV programme and I'm in the office - I can wander down in an hour.  Luckily I have stuff to do and so that's OK by me.

I wonder whether my Eckhart Tolle book will arrive soon.  I've bought a copy for Mrs. F. - I think it will help her come to terms with her sadness - it worked for me.   I've had to come to terms with more than just separating from Mrs. F.  I had to shake myself out of my depression, move on and stop being a victim and more over deal with the intense pain of losing someone at the very moment that I'd finally got myself sorted out :-)  Life can throw some cruel curve balls at you.  

I had to deal with the whole lot but of course so much of it was of my own making in the first place.  That was what it boiled down to of course, owning up to and taking charge of the situation.  Removing the things that were giving me the pain, the depression and the sheer inability to be able to affect any of it.  For years I had used avoiding tactics and finally I took charge and moved on.

That book 'A New Earth' arrived at just the right time.  It didn't stop what was happening from happening - but it helped me make sense of and to deal with it.  The loss of my 'angel' was the hardest thing to deal with.  What matters though is that at that time it was what I needed and you can call it Karma if you will but it all happened at the same time and for what I humbly believe to be for the right reasons.  I can't say that I truly understand the reasons or the timing or why some things happened the way they did but that's what happened and that's the way it was.  

It's not as if my 'angel' is dead and it's not as if we won't meet again, it's just that for a short period of my life, through perhaps the toughest time (excepting having Cancer) there was someone there who made me think differently, who made me think differently about myself, who introduced the concept of Karma and who became the catalyst of many actions or at least suddenly allowed me to actually look at myself., take control and to make some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, to face up to and acknowledge what I needed to do about it and to start to truly understand and appreciate who I am and to focus on being me and not beating myself up about it.  

I appreciate that in a month or two I'll be out of this situation and into something completely different and it will then be a period of adjustment, perhaps a bit of quiet contemplation and then a rebuilding phase.  

I suggested that Cancer knocks all of your confidence away and strips you of your self esteem and so many parts of you are undermined not just your health but your personality and your human nature your humanity and so many aspects.  My 'angel' finally made me realise that all that was locked up in me and just needed to be seen and appreciated for what it is.  Made me feel good about myself, able to go and meet people and not be worried.  To see good in others, to be good to others, to not (or try not) to judge or prejudge, to use patience and empathy and to just be what I was all along but was locked in through fear of opening up and being hurt again and again.

But hurt I was and painfully so but I realise now that it could be no other way that there needed this earthquake of a disturbance in my life for if that had not been there I believe I would be so deeply depressed now that I would be on medication and probably the complete opposite of how I find myself today.  So now, I look back and can only ever think of the most remarkable summer I can ever remember for I finally connected with it all and still do.  I walked along last night to my "Hot Date" and took in things like the leaves falling and noises of animals and birds as I wandered. People going about their lives and it all just felt great.  That feeling is great and long may I continue to just enjoy being in the now - it is a good place to be.  

Yay - Good Night - No Facebook No Hangover

I actually switched my Laptop to hibernate.  I then went on to the night out.  Drank little, ate well, behaved myself, came back, didn't even come into the office, went to bed.  It can be done.

I am now very wary of my own actions - I am a little more affected than I think I am sometimes and know that the answer is not found at the bottom of a glass or bottle.

Anyway - it was a great night out, really enjoyed the company and even managed to remember everyone's names properly this time (long story).  

A Hot Date :-)

Probably not but the phrase was coined sometime ago.  Flocky and I meet up with a couple of the girls from the centre and go out once or twice a year for a few drinks and some food.  

I am so looking forward to getting out again.  It's a good evening, great company and that's the important thing.  

Mrs. F. has gone out and the house is all mine this morning.  I've done some eBay stuff and I'm about to go post those and then just work out what I can do for the rest of the day leading up to this evening.  I will probably walk to the restaurant it is about 45 minutes walk but it is quite enjoyable - last time I did it - it was in the summer so I imagine in the cold and dark it may not be quite so enjoyable as I found it before.

I must remember not to drink anything like the amount or type (Sake) that I did last time I went out.... :-) 

La Vie En Rose

Another film to wipe you out when you are slightly running on the edge :-)  It's a difficult film to watch in many ways - I can't say there's anything uplifting about Edith Piaf's life - well not that I could see anyway.   It is certainly a painful film to watch but you can see why it won a few Oscars and a handful of BAFTAs too.  It certainly left me a little weepy because in the end it was a tale of so many maybes and tragedies in her life.  

Oh well, I am back up in my office and I don't think I will do much more tonight - I was going to get stuck into some figure work but later nights, spreadsheets, maths and trying to sleep are not good bedfellows with me anyway.

Perhaps I'll listen to some sounds - slightly quietly - charge up my MP3 player for tomorrow and turn in early (for me).

The house isn't a great place to be in and Mrs. F. and I have hardly said a word all night.  It's sad and it's a shame.  Tomorrow I am out in the evening with some friends for a few drinks and a meal and I am so looking forward to getting out and just enjoying a bit of laughter.  I certainly could do with that.  I've been lucky to have been out a number of times this week and so things haven't been too bad I suppose.

Well looking forward to the weekend and see if that cheers me up - sure it will.

Christmas and Birthdays - Decisions To Be Made

This is a real wrestle.  What to do about Mrs. F's birthday coming up and Christmas.  I've been advised not to buy anything but certainly to do cards if nothing else.  It feel dreadful to not buy her a present for either her birthday or for Christmas but I can see all sides of this and it feels wrong whatever I do about it.  If I buy her something she may not like it because it comes from / reminds her of me.  If I don't it stops something I've done for 38 or more years :-(  How difficult it is to know what to do.  

I actually feel a little queasy thinking about it.  How difficult all this is for us and on one hand if I buy her something it sends out wrong signals and if I don't it does too. 

Oh well - next year it probably won't be so bad I hope.  

I spend more of my days being happy and content these days.  I get these little niggling doubts of course I do, bound to I'm sure.  I just  have to go and replay my reasons why and then I am OK with my decision.  It's such a big thing of course and there are doubts on all sorts of things.  Of course, I like the idea that I can turn a new page and just move on.  I worry that Mrs. F. still struggles with the pain of it all and then I think to myself that I cannot do anything about this as much as I really want to help her and make things right and make her feel better - it isn't me who can do that.  I'd like her to understand it all and I'd like her to learn and meet someone and for her to be happy.  In fact that's something I really want for her - to be happy again especialy after I made her so sad.

Don't Make The Same Mistakes I Made :-)

Suddenly I know all about it!  Don't spend all of your time out doing Masonic stuff and spending time away from your wife I heard myself say tonight!  

Mmmm - hindsight such a great thing I suppose but I find that the one thing I'd change is being more attentive and spending far more time "working at it" than I ever did.  Now here is the thing  though - do you think anyone listened?  No I don't think they did and I don't suppose I did years ago either.

I think that I would spend a lot of time in future building the relationship rather than running away from it.

Here is a wonderful little bit of music - just invest 10 minutes and watch the rather sad video that goes with it.  I love it... :-)

That Was Fun

I substituted for a friend at his business networking breakfast and as these things go it was good enough fun.  It's interesting watching people and I managed to chat to some interesting people and just watch behaviour.  I did manage to isolate myself for a few moments to have some coffee and they wouldn't have that - which was rather nice of them.

It always amazes me that you get people come to these events that are only after business and don't make the effort.  I made the effort twice with two people that had business propositions that watching paint dry was a far more interesting venture but I stuck with it.  Who knows, I could help.  I did a little about my new business and so managed to briefly tell people what I was planning to do.  It was early - phew!  But it was nice to get out, take the car, drive opposite the hoards driving to London :-) just enjoy it and not worry about it although I did feel a tiny bit nervous before I got up to speak but then again - it's what I do well and so it all worked out fine.

It's a very interesting setup and I can see why my mate uses it - lots of leads and referrals.  For me, at the moment, it's too early to start that but if there is a local chapter then perhaps it is worth looking at.  For £12 a week roughly I imagine it can pay you back pretty quickly.

So I'm back home now just gone 9:30 and relaxed and ready for the rest of my day - I'm off to London this afternoon for a Lodge meeting - a Centenary and I know quite a few of the people there so it will be good.  Again, it will just be a nice day out and I've forced myself to do it.  I should do it more often too.  Once I get past the obstacles I put in my own way and go I really enjoy it - I hope that the obstacles will get less and less in the future in fact I'm sure they will.

Today is a good day - let there be many more please... :-) 

Different Day - Different Perspective

I don't know what it was about speaking to my Nephew last night but another layer of "worry" shall we call it peeled away.  I'd also had a long chat with my business partner and once again it really is good t chat things through and to find out that it "isn't just me" who feels a certain way etc.

I found on waking this morning that another weight had gone from me and I'm really pleased about that because it dragged me back a few weeks ago - I wrote about it not so long ago too.  It was about something in the past that I really wanted to recreate in my future and suddenly it was very important to me to do this.  It is pretty much an impossibility but there were chinks that this crazy plot could see the light of day.  Thank goodness this morning that's gone, it wasn't helping and it's gone and it's dead and that's fine by me now.  It should hurt but I did all the hurt sometime ago and it's in the past and all that's happened now is that with some regret up until yesterday I knew I had to let the thought(s) and that person go.  No regrets this morning, a new reality is here and I'm at one with myself about it, comfortable and resigned. 

It all sounds obscure and so it should be but I discussed this last night and realised overnight that it was just my mind trying to get back in control and my ego and also my pain body all trying to edge their way back in.  No sir, not again and that's the thing - if you retake control you can get past this.  

Not much else happening today, I need to now work out what to do about a business address as the chap I spoke to isn't interested.  That's OK I know what I think I need to do.  Just got to go and investigate it.

Nephew Is OK With It All

My Nephew whom I've known since he was born is very special to me.  He was born just a few months after Mrs. F and I were married and his father left I suppose when he was only a year or two old and they moved back near us and so we have grown up with him since then.  We took him to University, we looked after him after school and so many things we shared as if he was our own son.  He and I have been very close for all these years and so it was with some trepidation that I found myself apologising to him that Mrs. F. and I were splitting up.

Yes - it was a shock. No, he knew something was up - he knows me well enough to get the tone of my emails :-)

 It was a good evening although we couldn't find much to eat as the local football club had taken over the curry house!  So we ended up with a few bags of nuts and extra beers and I supplemented that with a fried egg sandwich on my return home!

He's almost a third child to us I suppose and so it was only appropriate that he knew but not his mum or his uncle!  Mrs. F. please sort this out!  

Anyway it was a good evening all around and apart from having to give out some bad news I found it very cathartic to speak to him - having two daughters doesn't always make a heart to heart conversation easy.  

It was nice of him ( but not unexpected) that he stepped up to the plate - bless him.... 

Nice Surprise

My old business partner dropped by unexpected and we went out for some coffee.  We discussed Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' book which I've actually bought for Mrs. F. as I feel it may well help her a lot coming to terms with things.  It certainly has made a profound affect on me and I feel so much better, so much more 'in control' and no longer sucuumb to the huge swings of depression I used to get - or at least so far that is.  I rarely get angry now or if I do it is fleeting and I bring myself straight back under control.  I am having quite a few episodes, as you would expect, about leaving my wife, starting a new venture, sadness and excitement and all sorts of emotions but and the BIG but is that I can recognise and bring these under control too.

We both had traumatic events happen in our lives and this year has been bad for both of us with tragedies and sadness, false hopes, unlucky in finding employment and all sorts of things but it was nice that neither of us are in a 'bad place' which is good.  The book helps without a doubt to move me forwards and him too.

Mrs. F. has just gone out and my nephew is about to arrive and we are going out for some drinks and for a curry or something like that.  I hope that the news won't be too much of a shock to him in fact I am sure I've told him in the past about it so maybe not.

So a day of taking it easy which I was pleased about and it's nice that I've just taken some time off to have a think about things.  I need a little space for a while to concentrate on the business and to get my thoughts together on that.  Interestingly enough knowing that things may just be taking a little longer until getting out of here will be good as I can take it that little bit easier and take my foot off the gas.

Slowing Down Now

I could make a further push on decluttering but feel a rest is as good as a change :-)  Or something like that! :-)

I've just slowed it a pace because I am spending lots of time on decluttering and not much time on myself at the moment.  It's OK because I pulled in sufficient funds to contribute to the household and I've got some of the new business stuff sorted but I think I need to now concentrate on the business rather than on decluttering and also just take a breath as I threw myself at this rather and whilst I've made some cash and made a hole in the pile of stuff I had - it's getting a bit OCD and it really should be fun.

Flocky tells me that things are slightly held up on getting contracts exchanged as they want to do another small survey.  It's all very well but that won't happen until the end of next week and that would be another week nearer Christmas and with the best will in the world trying to arrange to find, agree contracts, pay for and move in before Christmas is going to be difficult so perhaps just afterwards might be possible.

I therefore need to prepare myself for Christmas possibly being at home.  That's probably OK but I imagine it will be "atmospheric" but not in a great way.  :-)  At least I can work on how I'm going to approach that and what it means.  I can also use the hiatus to perhaps prepare to write back to family and friends letting them know what is going on.  

I feel that I should now also be starting to work on the new me.  By that I mean that things have already changed and I have quite a bit but once I'm out of here I will be able to lead and live my life differently and I can get back to my music, books and social life.   I have a nice circle of friends and I'm looking forward to getting to know them a bit more next year outside of the confines of my present situation.  It's like getting out of jail I guess.  I've got to adjust to the outside world and then slowly get back to "normality" whatever that may be.

Late Night AGAIN

I've got to stop this late late night stuff - I've been working all day and then went out for a meeting came back and started working again.  Crazy but there you go I keep doing this and making my head spin until the early hours.  I suppose I'm trying not to be around and not to clash with Mrs. F. too much but actually it's really blowing away my sleep patterns.

I'm going to stop now - finish this post and head off to bed and try and switch off - I should be able to do that using my meditation exercises.

Have a meeting with my Nephew tomorrow - need to lay the bad news on him and swear him to partial secrecy too.  Gee Christmas is going to be difficult and Flocky seems to think that we may not get into the new place until after Christmas the way things are going with his exchange of contract.  It will be difficult to see someone wanting to get a rental sorted so as to move in around the 22nd December!!!  Doh.  Oh well - in that case I'd better prepare the ground for an early move in 2014....  Oh the fun of it all :-)  Of course it will be what it will be no matter what.  It could be interesting one way or the other....

Busy Day - How I Like Them

I didn't earn a huge amount today but did a lot of packaging and posting labels - the Post Office was rammed full of people and interestingly enough there's another chap there who is selling records.  I actually pre bought the labels so that I only had to get a few done - it looked amazing with a huge bag full.  Was good being busy as the day has flown by.  

My next door neighbours have moved by the looks of it - the removal van was there earlier and the cars are gone.  Ho hum, a new era has begun.  The village is a lot quieter I imagine :-)

As for me well I really want this false dawn to be over and to get the hell out and on with my life.  I lay awake last night until gone three and that's not the first time this week.  I have been doing a lot of "business" thinking into the evening so I have a head full of facts and figures but Mrs. F. and I did have some more discussions yesterday and I think that slowly she is accepting that I will be moving out and that there isn't much to stop that happening.  I kind of worry about her but was told that it isn't helping for me to be like this.  I do feel rather helpless in this.  I so want her to accept it, to move on, to feel it's the right decision for her as well as for me.  

Here's another take on things for you to consider.  I was almost immobilised living here, I didn't actually need to do anything at all I could have ended up being a couch potato but I did not do that.  I could have just sat there being depressed and it was the gradual sinking down into this pit, this rut that finally made me make a decision.  I wouldn't wanted to have continued being like that and for Mrs. F. to be running around after a lazy, depressed old soak.  In many ways, that person died when I made my mind up to leave her.  I've tried really hard to be as independent as possible since then and try and do my bit in and around the house, finally fixing all the things that have been outstanding for years.

It should never have been that way in the first place but it ended up like that.  I kick myself because she did "nurse" me through being ill and was there for me but of late I've taken to taking myself into hospital for checks and for operations which also says something I think?  

Wanting to move on is also tempered by the fact that Christmas is a month today!!!  I've done nothing about it really.  It also Mrs. F's birthday soon and I've done nothing about that - some say don't buy anything - I feel sad about that.  Perhaps a card maybe at least?  I suppose a gift wouldn't mean anything at all to either of us.  I shall check with her and see what she wants to do I feel terrible about that.  It's not as if I've fallen out irretrievably with her or any other such thing.

Such are the quandaries of the ground I step on at the moment I suppose.   I feel a little bit vulnerable because my real desire to make this as painless as possible for Mrs. F. may be sending the wrong signals and I'd be doing all the right things for totally the wrong reasons.   

This time next year I guess things will be very different indeed and maybe we will be able to meet up and be friends because she really is a friend.

A Week To Go Out More

I don't know why I'm on this "guilt trip" at the moment - or well I probably do.  I've decided that I ought to go out a bit more and get used to it.  It is too easy to sit here and mope around and I got an invite out and thought hell why not let's just go and do it.  So I'm now out Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday night too so pretty good by my reckoning.  

I plan on enjoying myself and in many ways just enjoy getting out and about - I am actually doing some form of work at the moment and on top of decluttering and selling off most of my stuff I am also writing the new business web site and a load of other things to do with that too like research and pricing matrix and so on.  It will be hard work for sure but I'm pretty determined that once I get moved and settled that I want to launch the business and really make a go of it.  It should be really exciting and I'll have new business cards and be able to launch the business to friends and family as well as to shake down my processes and procedures.  Yes - I sound excited when I talk or write about it I can hear myself and the enthusiasm.

I am tending to stay in and not go out as I haven't got a job - funny isn't it yet I made enough cash from selling my stuff that I quite earnt more than Mrs. F. these past two months!  It is coming to an end but I have another few boxes of stuff to go sell and see how I get on with those then the charity shops can have a dig but I will offer some to people I know first so they can have first dibs.

It will be interesting trying to run a separate household on our same bank account - somehow I feel we may change that around at some point in time.  My savings earn more than Mrs. Fs so it actually I need to use the savings she holds for the interim and then we can work out what to do later.  As I said to her it is a little complicated but I'm sure we can sort it all out it's just a matter of running a balance sheet between us and we do quite well now and she knows exactly how much I spend as I tell her and we balance it all at the end of the month.  Mind you the savings will take a hit as I will probably have to pay 6 months (possibly 7) rent all out in one go and then there are moving costs and on top of that the cost of setting up the business.  I hope that in 3 months I will be bringing in sufficient to stop the money going out and then make it money coming in and start to rebuild the balance.  Mrs. F. owns half the business and as I said to her it's only fair and once we get to the divorce then she can take half of that as well - she doesn't like the idea nor that she is raiding my savings and pension but as I said to her, it is only fair that this happens.  She is worried about the size of house she can move to and whether she can take the dining room table and I keep saying to her does it matter?  This damn thing is wonderful, an antique can seat 14 people or 4 when collapsed - if it doesn't fit the new place or my new place then we can sell it.  Like my piano - if it comes to it I will find an owner for it.  

These are insignificant things to be worrying about I think.  I mean they are things we all worry about I suppose but in the overall scheme of things - what on earth will either of us do with a massive antique 14 seater dining room table?  It's lovely, it's functional but ....  Surely other things are worth worrying about?  I don't know, maybe it is me and I'm just not that interested in 'things' anymore.  I want my comforts, to be happy and that will do me.  I kind of fancy a small comfy home and I don't need a huge amount of space either and there's stuff lying around that's - well - a little bit old and of no 'value' and it's like keeping stuff from years ago - what's the purpose?  I have books that are 20 or 30 years old that aren't current but were my College books - they have no use at all in the modern world - they aren't going to get read or used by anyone most of all me.  They too will soon see a new use as a fuel source or they can head off to a recycling bin.  

So - where am I going with all of this?  Heaven knows!  Goodnight....

Weekends Are Hard

Coffee with Flocky - bless him - sort of sixth sense and knows that weekends are difficult.  They are difficult because Mrs. F. and I are in the house together it certainly is difficult as we tend to fall over each other trying to be helpful and trying to be nice.  Mrs. F. looks sad and there's a 'miserable' atmosphere in the house.  I try my best to lighten the atmosphere but it isn't helping and making light and being in a good sense of humour obviously doesn't cut it if you are feeling as upset and depressed as Mrs. F. is.

I can see what he meant and bless him, Flocky's had a lot of this much longer than I have.  I wont miss this at all, not one bit, but to me it isn't unusual as it has often been heavily oppressive in this house.  I am looking forward to moving out so that I can actually do something with myself at the weekends and in the evenings.  Reading a book, listening to some music, going out, like this morning for a coffee or a lunchtime beer.  Going for a walk etc etc.  In some ways I feel obliged to show that 'I'm suffering too' at the moment but when I'm out of sight and out of mind I feel it will be OK to allow myself to rebuild my life away from any disapproving gaze.

I hope that getting away from here will also allow Mrs. F. to get some time to get over the shock and to start to rebuild too.  I think the way she was speaking the other day perhaps the reality of selling the house - as she doesn't want to stay here - is beginning to sink in.  As I said though, we don't need to rush into a decision we can get on and decide later.

An afternoon of sport, last F1 of the season and Rugby Union and League on and later Snooker so I can happily stay engrossed in TV for the rest of the day and keep out of the way. :-) 

No - Actually I Don't Have The Problem

I find it quite interesting that I'm expected to be all cut up about what's happening to me.  I'm sad, of course I am because it is the end of an era but this is the 'new me' I'm finally feeling very good at last.  I've felt bad about myself for years and it's been (not all of course) down to the way I've been treated here.  For years and years it's been chipping away at me and that's one of the things I just wont miss - no way.

The problem has always been that gradually over a period of time it's been an erosion of confidence and a loss of doing anything together anymore.   It doesn't happen overnight it's happened over 15 years or more I think.  Many things we used to do together don't happen or even exist anymore.  Gradually we lost meeting up with our friends and going out and it's almost like joining a monastic order - in more ways than one! :-)

So to me, it's like being let out of prison, it's casting off all the negativity that's existed in my life.  It's not as if all this not going out and not doing things meant we spent more time together either, the opposite is the true level.  

So that's the bottom line, I'm going out on Parole now and I get set free sometime in the next few years.  I get to be free and many people don't quite get it.  I suppose if they have a good marriage for them you could imagine it would be a shock to them if it happened to them.

I have some minor worries - but they aren't going to upset me or give me any problems and I have to look forward to these challenges.  Fending for myself, making sure I manage the house for example, making sure my business makes enough cash to clothe and feed me.  I feel that I should take a good few months to think things through before taking any next steps.  

I do feel sorry about the situation but not for myself, for Mrs. F. who really is suffering and I don't like to see that.  If I was allowed to wish for something it would be that she quickly gets over this and can move on with her life.  I'd like her to learn something from this.  She knows what is wrong and whilst it hurt like hell to tell her she just needs to move on and perhaps can rebuild and find someone - that would be nice - I'd like her to be happy and not to dwell and be as upset as she is now.

And Yet - What Is It That You've "Lost"?

It's an interesting word is 'lost'.  What exactly do you lose when you've lost something?  I've lost a number of years of my life, I've lost my self esteem, I've lost a watch, I've lost money on this or that venture.  Strange how we've lost things and yet in reality it's what makes us what we are - everything leading up to now that is.  It's all part of the journey.

I don't recollect who it was but someone was saying that it's how you get to where you are going rather than where you are going that was important?  I look back at the moment - even though I know I should not - and I see opportunities missed but of course others taken.  I see things I've lost including the opportunity to have sorted my predicament out a long time ago.  I see other things lost, great friendships lost and then again others made and so does it all balance out in the end?

I love the saying "It will all be alright in the end.  If it's not alright, it's not the end"  how good is that? :-)

It's Saturday morning, Mrs. F. has gone out somewhere and I'm in here on my own.  I'm doing some work on eBay and I've got plenty to do this afternoon with the company web site which I am writing now.  However my mind keeps turning to what was lost and in many many ways it is negative to think like this because what possible good can it do it is in the past and remains so.

I've "lost" one of the greatest opportunities of my life I think but it wasn't my decision that it was lost so I can do nothing about it and still cannot no matter what my head may think.  I've lost my 32 year marriage and the opportunity to grow old with the person that I grew up with and all the great times we had together.  At the moment I guess both of us are only looking at the negative things and I still go back and wonder if we've actually lost anything or whether we've gained something?  Physical loss just means that - it's gone but everything you own is only transient anyway.  

There's regret and this feeling of missed opportunities and the road not taken but what on earth can you do about it unless you use those experiences to build on.  Perhaps the art is not to continue to make the same mistakes again?  I find that these things surface a lot at the moment and then I just have to bat them back into touch and ignore them.  It's all happened and regrets and concerns over something you can't actually change is just so counterproductive and destructive that you don't need to think like that.

I'm pretty glad that I managed to get prepared for all this - 6 months ago I'd probably have been a wreck about it :-)