Cheat day reprised

The problem with cheat day is that you indulge all your forbidden foods and that's fine - you can see why but I also wonder whether it also makes you not want to do it eventually.  This morning I woke up and the very last thing I wanted to do was to eat.  I forced myself to have breakfast and lunch too.  This evening I had a bigger portion of vegetables and legumes as I'm pretty certain that eating these larger portions is better having now re-read the book.  Counter intuitive, well yes, but the stuff you are eating is much lower in terms of calories than you are used to so filling yourself up is more a matter of getting close to what you are used to.  


Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim.  On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess.  They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.


I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future.  I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room.  There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property.  It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work.  Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too.  So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on.  This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too.  On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies.  So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds.  You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.  


Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable.  For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too.  I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).

Prolonged Cheat Day

It was a bit difficult to get out of it really.  Last night was my friend's and my Christmas present - a meal at a Gastro Pub and very nice it was too - a bit quaint and they were mobbed out but the food was excellent as was the beer.  Today is official cheat day and I "suppose" I could have stopped last night and had yesterday as a cheat day but I'm out again tonight so decided to just go over by the extra meal allowing me to recommence tomorrow.  


I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist.  I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging.  I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-(  I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week.  Probably best to write it off and start again the week after. 


I'm still coughing for England here!  Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out.  I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough.  I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it.  It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc......  Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.

Coughing for England

If it were an Olympic sport I'd be chosen.  It sounds as if I am on 60 cigarettes a day at the moment, hopefully the meds will kick in soon.  At least my head is clear and I'm less bunged up.  I actually feel pretty good too so that is a plus.


I thought I'd stopped loosing weight but I notice that I'm around 15 stone 12 or thereabouts at the moment which is another good drop.  It's funny but I felt I'd lost some weight this week - it is difficult to quantify how I could do that but I guess it is feelings of looseness of clothes and also my face has changed the flabby bits around by neck appear to have gone.  I imagine being ill curbed my diet a bit too.


Anyway, at least I'm on the road to recovery and also losing weight continues which I am pleased about.

Getting There

I'm glad I didn't go to the meeting this evening - I'd have been coughing and sneezing and sniffing and spluttering and you know what it is like when you try not to, you just make it worse.  A good sleep in the afternoon set me up and some more meds means I'm now ready to hit bed and see how I am in the morning.


I have to say that I've found this cold quite debilitating mainly because of the headache that is going along with it!  


Tomorrow I hope to be feeling a bit better as it is the day of my Christmas treat/gift from the girls and they are taking me to a Gastro Pub.  So that will mean I will need to have an early cheat day unless I can find something that suits my diet.  I kind of doubt they will have anything like that and we are also out Saturday so the diet will just have to take a back seat for a day.  In a further weeks time I have a major problem.  I'm out for 6 days out of 7 at various functions one after the other with little choice over menus and so will very probably just have to abandon the diet for that week.


I'm doing quite well on the diet and have managed to maintain it pretty much these past 4 or 5 weeks.  I'm hovering around 16 stone though and need to work on dropping some more.  I think I must be doing something wrong at the moment and so will re-read the FAQs and see what it may be.  Mind you I can see big improvements in my blood pressure and general well being (except this cold) so it seems to be working well up to a point.

Yuk - I hate colds

I suppose we all do but I really could do without one right now.  I've cancelled tonight's meeting and I'm meant to be going out tomorrow and Saturday as well.


I can at least feel the cold "coming out" now so that's something but could do without the coughing and sneezing and sore throat.  Another day of rest and cold and flu drugs should, I hope, clear this up as I have work to get on with and this isn't really helping matters.


All I really want to do is to lie down and do nothing.  That sounds like a plan to me.

Yuk

Oh great - I had a reasonable night's sleep and lay in as I felt so tired but forced myself up and had breakfast, flu powders and I'm in full mode, sneezing, coughing, sore throat and nose, headache from hell, you know the sort of thing.   Sneezing feels like my head is coming off and half the contents are about to come out :-(  I've made a decision to just go down stairs at lunchtime and take the rest of the day off.  I've also made a decision to not go to a meeting tomorrow (why give myself the pressure) and pass on my apologies and some instructions to the team to sort things out for me.


There's isn't anything left for me to do on the business front until Friday and so I can just keep a watching brief over things.  Whoever had this cold on Saturday - and gave it to me - I'd like to thank them for it!  What a nice gift!  Talking of which, I must write up something about my brother and the wedding one day.  Family events bring out the very worst in families.

Oh Great - a cold

I don't often get a cold but this has been coming along since probably picking it up on Saturday at the wedding - it really came out this evening and so I'm feeling not so great and sore throat, sneezing and coughing.  I hadn't realised quite how bad it was until I spoke to a friend who mentioned how rough I sounded.


Blast it - I really don't need this right now I can tell you.  I certainly don't need the headache that's going along with this either.


I've taken plenty of meds during the day but to no avail and so I'll see if the last lot will do anything overnight.  I certainly hope so.

Strange Cold Like thing

Someone suggested that it might be Hay Fever - a bit strange as it is damp and wet and has been for days so surprised if it is.  It hasn't got worse but I definitely have a sore throat and that horrible back of nose / throat feeling.  I've washed down a few paracetamol to see if that will help - it feels eased and at least it isn't getting any worse at the moment.


I think I may cancel tonight's trip out so I don't give this to the lads.  Today is perhaps the first of the run down to closing the business.  I've made up the accounts and submitted them and that's about the lot I have to do this week apart from a few emails.  I'm recovering my files from my cloud storage and synchronising software (thank goodness I did that).  I'm a bit worried now about my music files so may "invest" in storing those off site too.

Signs of a cold

The more observant of you may know that I don't get many colds or illnesses.  I've thought this was part of the regime of Immunotherapy that I had.  RIght now though I've got that back of the nose/throat dry sting that sort of suggests a cold is on its way and a very feint headache (again something I don't normally get).  So, I've had this all day and thought it was the journey or the party but maybe I've picked this up from someone at the wedding?


I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.

Not Just Me

It is an interesting thing that my co-founder of the business is likewise feeling "very strange".  It's not surprising really; we wanted to move on the idea and make a difference in people's lives and our objectives can only be achieved now if we can raise significant finance.  That isn't about to happen any time soon in many ways because the will and the money isn't around.  It's actually the right time to invest but the markets are so badly affected that many are like wounded animals - some fatally so we think as their returns are abysmal. 


We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again.  It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team.  It is going to be a difficult transition.  


We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights.  We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on.  Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!


I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet.  Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it.  Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all.  I'm still here and I'm well.

Not a nice place to be

Inside my head at the moment.  Feel a little bit down and a little bit indecisive, not quite myself at all.  It feels as if dad's situation has caught up with me, the realisation that a little later today we will prepare to shut down the business or take steps to close down the effort and so there's a number of things that need to be done.  I suppose it has an "end of life" feel to it so inevitably there'll be some sort of grieving going on and there's a lot to do.  Write to all the interested parties (the relatives), some sort of event (the funeral), some grieving first followed by some sort of celebration and then reflection.  Given the current situation with my dad, the parallels are marked.


Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go.  But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there.  It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up.  It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found.  Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving.  But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.


The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast.  This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next.  For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision.  For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process.  These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between.  It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.


Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.


On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago.  I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me.  I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.  

Wow - mixed feelings

A few days away, saw dad - he's his usual cheery self but there's some loaded comments when we chat.  He does look grey and drawn which isn't a surprise really.  I managed to speak a bit to Mrs. F. about "futures" and that was interesting.  We even discussed selling the house and moving off somewhere if necessary.


Then it was my cousin's wedding - very nice affair and everyone had a good time and then back here in time to see the re-run of the Chinese Grand Prix which was excellent.  


However, I have some serious mood problems tonight - very moody and dark thoughts and stuff passing across my mind about dad and work and life in general.  It's all obviously connected and it is just a matter of spending some time resolving these issues and working them through.  I really wished that I'd have had a few days to sort out the accounts too and fear that they may prove to be a little too difficult to get resolved for later in the week.  I just must get around to doing things on my to-do listing like go to the Doctors and so on.  At the moment I'm in a bit of a not doing rut - so just need to snap myself into action.

Off to see dad

On my way to cousin's wedding will pop in and see dad and see how he is getting along.  It's probably going to be a shock for me as I haven' seen him for a while and no doubt I'll see a big change where those around him will have seen a more gradual change.


Will probably only spend the afternoon with the folks before heading off towards the Lincoln / Louth area and staying overnight in a Hotel there then heading on for the wedding another 20 miles or so north of that.  At least it will be cheat day on the wedding day so looking forward to being able to indulge on that day.

Diet Update

I've been sticking to the diet but this last week or so don't appear to have lost as much as the first few weeks - which is, I guess, par for the course.  There's only so much you can lose.  I'm 2 stone lighter than at Christmas and about 1 1/2 stone lighter since I started the diet.


I've lost inches off my waist and my neck and I feel a lot better.  I'm doing well and am not tempted by any need to cheat on the diet apart from cheat day itself.  This cheat day I will be at a Wedding so can have plenty to eat and drink there.  I'm not getting too hung up on the weight day-to-day as it doesn't always work out like you'd expect and the main thing is that I'm well, I'm losing weight gradually and feeling better for it.  


Off to see my dad tomorrow, he can't keep weight on at the moment and so that is a worry.  I'll see how he is tomorrow but I imagine it will be a bit of a shock as I haven't seem him for a while.  He's 3 months past his 6 month diagnosis so we will have to see how things evolve.


I'm waiting for my piano to arrive - a family heirloom and it will replace my existing one which will go on to another family member (thank goodness).  There aren't many of them in the world - perhaps 10 or 20 that I know of.  I hope that I'll be the custodian of this one for a short while - it's already had 3 owners from new that I'm aware of.  Which reminds me, I must write up the history of this piano for future generations.

Useful Chats

My Nephew turned up tonight and we went out for a drink - yes I know - I can only have red wine.... and did!


It's nice to get an alternative view fro a younger person.  He and I go way back and we have a great relationship (even if I don't know it).  I don't get that I've been there for him for years and have been a surrogate dad and that's nice but also a bit worrying too.  He's a bright lad, in a world leading business and has done well for himself.


Tonight was a mixture of discussing what life has to offer and the various stages in the journey - it wasn't as heavy as that sounds but it helped me to formulate some ideas that I need to discuss with Mrs. F in the coming months.  It is funny that I've been interested in the journey - by that I mean - building the business, tackling all the elements that were needed especially after half the team disintegrated and faded into the distance.  I'm not entirely clear about what I want to do with myself after this is ended.  I see many paths and many outcomes and some are philanthropic and some are more capitalistically based! :-)


It's a difficult time - I'm a little past that mid life crisis unless I live to 110 when in fact I'd be right in it :-)  I'm torn between greed and hermit dom.  A bit of me says "sod off to Spain and enjoy yourself" and another bit says "Use all those skills you've learnt and do something useful with your life!" There's the commitments of family and friends and there's the security of where you've lived most of your adult life.  The house we've built our family around and the (limited) social life we have here.  All of these things are in a big see saw balance along with relationships and family, friends and social life, proximity to London (let's face it - whilst I may scorn it - I live in one of the best cities in the world) and then there are things like health and well-being and security and travel and other things that need to be resolved.


Nothing needs to be sorted out right now and decisions like this need some time to think through.  I have my own ideas and I'm certain that these don't suit everyone - so compromise is on the cards but what compromise would I come to?  What would suit everyone?  Do I suit myself or try and do a United Nations on it?  Time will tell I guess.

The Dead PC

Thank goodness for Sugar Sync - I'd have lost all the files I was working on if I hadn't of had this little programme working away in the background.


I realised tonight that I was out trying to reach something I can't have.  My youth.  I'd actually like my knowledge and my youth together but I can't have those.  I see things a lot differently and seeing my dad being in denial (not the river in Egypt) but also seeing the issues he is having with knowing exactly what is wrong with him, what is coming down the road and fully realising that he can't do even the simplest tasks now because he gets out of breath then I begin to realise just how lucky I am that I'm no longer in that position.


The cancer is wrecking his body but his mind is still just as sharp and informed as it ever was.  I realise too that we've never had anything other than a working relationship between us.  I mean that nicely, we aren't prone to emotional hugs, kisses and all that, never have been.  I'm very much like him and it's not a way of communicating I feel comfortable with at all.  I may pat you on the shoulder but it is highly unlikely you'd ever get a hug off of me.  It's just not something we have ever done.  I find it almost embarrassing when meeting close friends and kissing - again - very rarely done in the family.  


I don't feel close enough to my dad to have much more of an acquittance's conversation, almost a work mate rather than a father son (as depicted in film and novel available from all good outlets).  Don't get me wrong, I've no reason at all to dislike my dad or anything like that.  It is just that the relationship may well be one that involves the sorts of personalities we are.  I'd hazard a good guess, in fact I'd probably lay money on it, that he and I are both Myers Briggs INTJs which explains a hell of a lot about why we would both find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk on any level except the pragmatic and we do that fine.  I've never really had to take "a problem" to my dad, preferring (by far) going to talk to my mum who I have the most open and honest discussions.  Relationships are strange things indeed and I see it with my own children and their different personality types.  In fact, what surprises me is that they seem to be reversing the types I originally gave them.  A, who was always the quiet one, is far more fiercely independent and a very strong character whereas L, whom I thought had the outgoing personality and attitude has, this first year at University, retreated into her shell a bit.


Such are the nature of relationships and I am sure that whilst I will beat up on myself about the "professional nature" of the relationship I have with my dad, I can't imagine he or I are in a position to be comfortable to change it.  Intuitively we know that there is a lot of respect for each other and I have no issues to raise with him now.  Whatever I may or may not feel about  the past is the past and so cannot be changed so why worry about it?


Mum reminded me that it is now 9 months (give or take) since dad first went into hospital.  I don't know where that time went to and whilst it is nice that he is still here, I wonder sometimes how this knowledge of his terminal illness plays with his head.  He isn't stupid and I can only begin to guess, given my brief knowledge of the subject, what it must feel like.

Boring

I'm pretty bored.  I've been writing down my options - what I'm going to (or want to) do next.  Watched the Moto GP and the Masters last night which was good.  Mrs. F & L have gone out.  A is on holiday.  I'm sat here using the big "server" PC in the house.  At least I was able to rescue the back up files and have made that connect to this one.  That's a relief. 


A few more tweaks to make sure I can use this down the week and that will mean that I can at least sort out the Accounts that I should have done down the week!  


However, there's nothing to do business wise.  I'm waiting for the diagnostics and repairs to run on the laptop but I'm not hopeful.  It is taking a very very long time to run so that doesn't look promising.  I think I can partially sort the situation out with a new hard drive and might even try to perform a rescue from the back ups I have - we will have to see I suppose.  Of course, setting these PCs up takes days as well which is also a nuisance.  


The Piano needs to be sorted out as well sometime this week - but other than that - nothing is happening and so I'm left twiddling my thumbs :-)

Amazed how losing the PC

Makes me feel lost without it.  I'm amazed how much I use it on a day to day basis, just looking things up, firing off the odd email and so on.  How peculiar.  Of course it is also a bit strange not being able to get to my files not because they aren't saved but because they aren't on the PC I'm using which I haven't set up for remote access yet :-)


Back on the diet today - feel a lot thinner these days and my stomach is noticeably smaller and I no longer have the "love handles" around my waist either, my neck size is down a 1/2" too so all in all, things are going in the right direction.  I hope that this week will see a similar improvement.

Cheat Day

Was quite good.  It was Easter Egg Hunt day and I had a proper breakfast and then we had the hunt which was good and it didn't rain thank goodness. It was cold but we had around 50 kids there today which is up on previous years.  I had one small egg there and when I got home got stuck into cheese and crumpets and hot cross buns and had my Easter Egg a day early so I could gorge on that.  I feel wiped out after ll of that I have to say and a few beers have made it quite a binge.  This time next week we are at a wedding so I expect a similar outcome!


My computer remains looking terminal.  It is in intensive care and the diagnostics are still running a couple of days after I started them.  It doesn't look good.  I suppose I ought to bite the bullet and get an new hard drive and re-build the machine. What a bloody nuisance.


So, off to bed now - my 16th Easter Egg hunt over and done and time to relax, watch the Masters and enjoy the weekend.

Conflicting Reports

Running more diagnostic software it appears that there are indeed a lot of problems with the PC. At worst it is a hard drive fatal error.  Running some special software that may repair it but I doubt it.


Have spoken to Mrs. F. about the very real possibility of shutting down the business now and having to decide what I'd like to do next.  There's no rush at the moment but I'm just feeling the "loss" I guess. So I'm not in a good place but neither am I morose or downhearted.  It's like losing a friend if you know what I mean?  I'm just a little sad and wondering what best to do to fill the gap that's left.  In fact it's almost like losing your first girlfriend :-)  Being dumped I suppose.  There's some soul searching going on but it certainly isn't a case of being wrong or right.  We specifically had a process to deal with this and having followed that through we are 99% sure that the result couldn't be any different.  The 1% we will tackle but that's a case of covering the ground and making sure that it we didn't miss a trick.  


So no PC is driving me mad and also with me not too sure what I'm doing means that I'm wandering around without purpose.  Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 16th year I've done that.  Goodness knows where the time has gone.  Looking forward to doing that but I can't help but believe someone younger might want to take it on.  

The Cure for the PC - NOT!

Well I found a way of repairing my PC, I ran overnight tests and that did indeed last 10 hours or more - all clear, I then followed some new instructions to remove the problems and it seemed to work but then threw up another more serious error. The last thing you wan to see an imminent hard drive failure.  Now call me old fashioned but a newish PC that's just passed a Hard Drive test (that was running all night) really shouldn't happen when it is a software issue!


But that i what it is showing and so I am re-running the tests again.  Talk about depressing. Whilst all of my work is backed up off line, it will now probably take me a few days to repair this PC or a few days to set up a new one (and the cost).  I'm pretty pissed off as I am meant to be sorting out the accounts today and over the weekend.  That looks a far off possibility now though.


My business partner has been here today and we have been talking through shutting the business down.  It's sad and all that but if no one will support it then it's no use blindly going on.  we know that but needed to settle the requirements for those actions and what we would do in terms of the IP and all the other good stuff we have produced.  It is difficult because of the merit of the idea but detaching all emotional attachments and allowing us to move on are the next important steps and that means getting closure on this in some way.  

Oh Dear PC Woes

I cannot believe that a company would send out an update that just froze my PC.   An auto update has fist of all frozen my PC and wont let it start properly (or restart).  Just another frustration with modern technology being too clever by half.  It is a known issue  has been happening on and off for years by the looks of the fora on this.


I can completely rebuild the system or fiddle around with the registry settings and hope that I can make it work again.  I've a scan going  at the moment to make sure it isn't anything more serious which promises to be complete in 834 minutes!  So I'm on the main PC in the house, the server I guess you'd call it.  thank goodness that I had already printed out my speeches for tonight or I'd have been in a little bit of do do.  Actually I could have gotten around it as these are at least backed up and I could access them from another PC.


It is SO annoying that something that is meant to protect my PC has actually completely knackered it.  Remember that I know what I'm doing with PCs and even this has got me scratching my head.  The PC wont recover either by itself or with me intervening which is unusual. It doesn't look to be a virus or a trojan it does look to be a crap piece of code that needs to be sorted out.  Of course, how a mere mortal is meant to do this is beyond me.


Had a good evening delivering a certificate and a talk about the charities and got £50 donation for charity and a free meal and wine to boot.  Also nice to bring back a raffle prize of chocolates for Mrs. F!  :-) 

Monday Night

Not much better than earlier on really.  Just had the most stupid response back from someone I've ever seen.  Flabbergasted hardly covers the complete ineptitude of this person who having got the initial request totally wrong (having being delegated the task by the person I want to talk to) has now got it even more wrong on the second pass, in fact rather than setting up an appointment with the person who has all the answers they have passed me outside of their organisation to a competitor to speak to them.  The competitor neither has the ability or the power to speak on their behalf.  We are in the land of the surreal here - what were they thinking?


Without actually cutting loose on this imbecile, which is being unkind to imbeciles, I actually need to talk to these people to plan my next move.  They've handed my competitors our idea on a plate!  I feel that there will be some sort of pain to be felt.  I'm not certain if my sarcastic and caustic sense of irony will go down too well so we are just holding back for a short while, draw breath and then "have words".  


So that didn't end my day well at all.  Additionally I'm feeling hungry but think that is to do with getting up late and not eating straight away.  I will get back to routine tomorrow.  I also hope to stop the procrastination and get on with these accounts I meant to do.

Monday - let down

I tend to find getting back to work on a Monday an enjoyable thing I can concentrate on things I want to get done and plan out my week.  Not this morning though.  I didn't want to get out of bed and just lay there for an hour or so and finally got up and got going but it was just one of those days.  I haven't actually done much either.  I've made three or four phone calls and that is just about it.


I have a lovely yellow and purple bruise on my arm to remind me of Friday and I'm over a pretty rough Sunday.  It's all very quiet at the moment.  There's a few things going on out in the ether but for now, no one has come back to us.  It is a shame really but that is the way it is.  The intensity of working towards this point is diametrically different to what is happening now. 


I decided to do my accounts and yet I just cannot be arsed to do them.  This is typical I find with me, I know I have to do them and I'm just ramping up the pressure to make sure I do do them and I know that missing today will be OK.


The next problem is sorting out all my paperwork which I think I will tackle this afternoon and get rid of all the accumulation of detritus on my table.  Then I can get onto the accounts with a clear desk/table to layout the accounts on.  


On Wednesday we will hold a meeting about where we go from here in terms of the business.  I am already working on what I want to do.  Even though there are some options out there, I need to plan for afterwards as I cannot continue to hold onto something that isn't going to go anywhere at the moment.  


So things are low but things that are good include my Blood Pressure - that is pretty regular now in the 130 over 85 range which is much better than I expected.  Time to call the Doctors and go get my BP measured I feel.  The diet seems to be working well and I'm around 16 stone at the moment.  That's varying and will do after Saturday's excesses :-)  Back on the diet yesterday and for the rest of this week should, I hope, drop me below 16 stone and towards where I was 5 or 6 years ago.  I have a meeting tomorrow to go to and I am delivering a talk on the 4 Masonic Charities in the England and Wales, that I should know a bit about as I used to work in there.  They have also asked me to present one of the members of this Lodge with his certificate, a very rare honour indeed for someone not in the Lodge to do this.  I hope I do well with that, I've developed a particular way of doing this that many people say they like so tomorrow I'll get to do my party piece to a new audience.  It will be a bit one sided I'll be providing most of the entertainment!  I think I may end up having to break the diet a bit - but will try not to if possible. 

Not a great start to Sunday

I was in a furious mood - apoplectic almost.  Nothing to do with BC or anything like that (or I don't think so), no, just the normal thing of being treated like I'm invisible.  So I stomped off for a 3 mile walk around the woods and fields here - very nice, early morning, birds chirping, sun highlighting dappled areas in the woods and so on - all very nice but I missed breakfast and when I got in I thought to have my pills and stuff, didn't eat until lunchtime and have been a bit bear with sore headish all morning.


I'm pretty p1ssed off with this behaviour and went to cool off as it does annoy me occasionally, this is the usual stuff like no one talks to you or they go out and don't tell you and many other such things.  


I really didn't feel like eating and I don't really even now - I forced some lunch down but I reckon I probably could have lasted until this evening as yesterday's cheat day loaded me up with lots of forbidden foods and I feel full up with them.  It was OK yesterday apart from no beers.  I did fancy a beer in the garden but there you go.  Had plenty of cheese, bread, pasta and the like to munch on during the day.


I'm spending time weighing up my options and trying to think what I'd like to do.  It's a difficult thing really as I also have an option to go back to doing what I used to do and making some serious bucks doing it or to get out of that altogether and just live a simpler and (hopefully) more rewarding life.  That also added to my anger this morning as I would question whether what I end up doing is compatible with what everyone else wants.  In a way, I've spent a lot of my life doing stuff and building my life using the money that I've produced and now, I'm not sure that is what I really want to continue to do.  I'm writing down pipe dreams if for no other reason than to get them out of my head.  Then there are those that are possible but affect how near I am to hospital review and that sort of thing - do I have access to the services of a Hospital as good as the one locally to me?  All of this is also having an affect on my thinking and my demeanour and some of it is also bound to question how people (family more especially) relate to these.  


If they fail to fit in on a day-to-day basis now, what chance to go and do something else?  Perhaps the road ahead is a single lane carriageway - just one person wide?  That's also part of the thinking, it has to be if I'm to explore all possible things that I want to do.  

Cheat Day is here

After protein rich breakfast I've tucked into a cup cake that A made for me - I could feel the hit of the sugar immediately, now having a coffee with a sweetener and milk.  I normally only have black unsweetened these days.  I'm ready to commence eating forbidden stuff so here I go.....

CT Scan - That went OK

30 minutes wait - then they hadn't gotten me to have a pint of water - which I then had.  Get changed into a gown and insert cannula into my arm - not my favourite thing of course.  Into the scanner - easy as you like - hold your arms above your head through the scanner, connect you to the dye that they use to "light you up like a Christmas Tree!"  apparently but then there was a slight problem.  


Did the first set of scans which show up things like Kidney Stones and stuff but they had to give me ml of contrast first and make me wait 10 minutes for it to get through kidneys and into bladder.  Having done that I had to roll about 3 or 4 times - yes full 360 degrees whilst on the flat bed!  This is to coat the bladder.  Then another set of scans.  Then there was another set of scans after they'd put some more contrast in.  On this occasion  I got the side effects - hot flush around the body, metallic taste in mouth and the uncanny feeling that you'd wet yourself.   I have a feeling that this lot of contrast dye was no where near what I had before for the Pyleogram which I was x-rayed for about 20 or 30 minutes overall to show the progress of the dye through my Kidneys and tubes etc.


Anyway - all was over and done with quite quickly - I felt fine so walked to the Cafe and had 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, Mushrooms and Tomatoes washed down with a large black coffee.  Went via the sweet shop and got myself a 100g bag of Wine Gums for cheat day tomorrow.  I see I have cakes and things lined up in the fridge (Yay!)


I needn't have been that worried about it I suppose.  It wasn't that bad but I think the experiences I had with the contrast before were when I was quite ill and so made all the worse.  I suppose at that time I wasn't even sure if they'd caught the cancer early enough and whether I was going to live or die so I doubt I was in  a very good place in my head.

Well here goes nothing

Listening to one of my favourite bands from YEARS back.  Boston - the sound track to a couple of those great summers you look back on when everything was great, had the car, the girlfriend (whoops not current Mrs. F.) and just were young and crazy.  My car was a great, a few years old, automatic and went like something thrown off a stick.  We went all over the place, we were always out, the sun always shined (well I think it did!).  Great memories taking my mind off the scan.....


The sun is shining out here and I'm pretty much OK with things.  A little nervous, not quite as bad as going for an operation but just a little - of course, not having eaten for 4 hours can make your stomach feel like that anyway :-)  So - let's go off into the void and see what this experience is like.   I've just got to get there and do what they tell me and (of course) it will be what it will be and will take the time it takes.  I'm hoping to be able to get to my cafe on the way back and have some  good protein but doubt that I'll get the legumes - will have to fill up on those back here.


Ciao

4 Hours to appointment

No more eating from now on but can drink normally.   Will head off for a shower and leave the house at 12, I can easily get there by 12:30 when the appointment is.  I have my music with me and my Kindle reader so if I get bored I can read at least.  It is a lovely day, nice and sunny so I hope to just have a pleasant stroll there.


I dislike Hospitals at the best of times but I'll get along and go for this - it is going to be a check up mainly and so as long as they don't find anything then I probably wont need another one.  I've given myself a reward and that is to come home via the cafe and have a meal on the way home - I will be pretty hungry by then.  If I don't feel like that then A can come and pick me up and drive me home.  We will see. 

Well here we go

CT Scan a little later today so getting ready for that.  A had her interview - I do hope that she did OK and of course getting the interview means that you are half way there.  I've arranged for the Piano to be delivered and my old piano will now go to a new home too.  I hope that they will be able to spend a bit more time on it and bring it up to speed.


I'm in a neutral place at the moment with the scan - it will be what it will be and hopefully I can get that over and done with and then get home and get some food as I'll be starving by then!  I need to spend the weekend catching up on accounts as they must be done soon.  I suddenly realised that I had started but not completed them.


More in the morning no doubt as I prepare to go off to Hospital.

Interview

Well A is of up to London for her interview and good luck to her.  Me I'm checking out my MP3 player for tomorrow.  I need to look up the details for the CT Scan and I would have thought by this time tomorrow things will be almost complete.  I certainly hope so.


I've chatted to my business partner today and we will be discussing where we are going with the business next week.  That will be good as I can have the Easter break to sort things out and chat through the options.

A bit happier this morning

I think I managed to get stuff off my chest last night and published two blog posts which were a little too honest and a little too intimate and so I pulled those this morning.  What it did was it freed up what was on my mind and that certainly seems to have emptied my head of the rubbish that was there.  


I am impressed with this diet.  I was worried that things were slowing a bit but today pulling on my trousers and putting my shirt on was encouraging as my trousers are very loose and my shirt just hangs on me (and not my stomach which is no longer protruding out).  That's a big improvement but I still need to loose some more.  I did a Blood Pressure check and I'm back down to normal as well so that too is encouraging.


Not much is happening but I am dropping A off to the station later as she goes for her interview up in London.  I'm probably more on edge than she is.

The "D" Word

I don't suppose that anything could have been like it was those almost 6 years ago when I learnt I had cancer and just had no idea what to expect.  The ups and downs of that time were pretty horrible and black and terrifying and so what I'm going through today ought to be small beer to that.  I've had one of my "emotional" days today.  It sounds pretty silly and in a way it is but in other ways you have to understand that this is where a lot of people start off from, something silly, something small, something that to you or I may be inconsequential and yet in so many ways it isn't minor at all.


Today is a series of things really.  My dad isn't getting any better - well you wouldn't expect him to but he's getting weaker and frailer by the day and we all know where it is heading and perhaps it is finally sinking in for me?  Then there's the work situation which is depressing of course as it appears no one these days has any vision and no one wants to invest and yet they are all "mouthing off" about innovation, next thing, multi million pound businesses etc and yet they don't really mean it.  Then there's the "what am I going to do next" scenarios and then it begins to start gnawing away at me.  "What if!"  0 that should be banned from the language :-)  You can't do anything about history - it's in the past and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and yet I beat myself up over my past but that's happened - logically I know this, it isn't important and yet there it goes and it is upsetting.  Then there's the bit about what do I want to do and once again that's in the future and hasn't happened yet and I know that too.  Sure I can make plans and think about it but to what effect.


So I find myself in this sort of trough of depression and yet I know that I shouldn't even be there.  It's lovely here, the sun is out, it is beautifully warm, I'm going off to meet lots of friends and have a good evening and yet somehow my brain won't let me enjoy it.  It will be forgotten tonight but I think I might need to tip Mrs. F. off that I'm not in a good place at the moment just in case she hasn't worked that out for herself.  It could of course all be down to Friday's CT Scan but I doubt it.


Anyway - I recognise these things and just work on a way to get through them and that tends to work itself out in the end.

It can't be that difficult

I'm sure that I'll be quite upbeat about this after Friday and say how easy it all was and how I worried about nothing :-)  And that's the thing really, I mean how bad can this be for someone who's had a catheter shoved up you know where without anaesthetic :-)  That's the thing, I've had far worse things than lying in a big moving X-Ray machine.  I'm probably more worried about the dye than anything as I didn't particularly react well to that last time but as I keep reminding myself I'd just had major surgery no more than a week or two before and I was still very weak and although I hate to admit it, I was pretty poorly too.  


So I am not so anxious today - I have no idea if it was this or speaking to my mum - as dad's not particularly great at the moment.  He's still doing well but getting weaker and it is all just hard work for him to get up and around.  His mind of course is as sharp as ever and so he knows what is going on.  Perhaps it was that?  I'm going up to see him in a couple of weeks.


Added to that is the knowledge that we are also getting towards the end game for the business too.  No matter how good an idea it is, how well thought through and documented, if no one will invest then it will be consigned to the pile like many others before and no doubt afterwards.  It was always an option and we have planned for it but the disappointment and inability for people to get away from traditional ideas is frightening.  People are also not great listeners or readers which is shocking considering that their job is to think laterally, think differently, read and absorb information quickly etc.  In fact, it shows how conditioned people must become if they can't grasp some simple truths and realise there is another way to tackle these.  Ho hum...


So whilst that looks to be coming up on the horizon, we have been seeking funding for 6 months and our cut-off is at the end of April.  We initially envisaged a one year time frame but that was before just the two of us were left as half the team bailed out.  So two years effort, a significant investment of our time and perhaps little to show for it, other than the idea and the name :-)  Oh well, it had to be done to confirm the idea and to see if it would see the light of day.  Without doubt that is playing away at the back of my mind a bit.  Anyway - let's see what the latest contacts will be able to do for us. 

Trepidation

I was going to say it was unlike me but in fact it is exactly like me to be a little concerned over Friday's CT Scan.  I suppose I'm only a little concerned because of the previous experience.  I've decided that I'll sort myself out on Thursday with some music and bits so that I can chill on the way there and I'll take my Kindle to read too.


I'm somewhat surprised about the costs I'm receiving to move the Piano but then again, things have gone up a bit since the last time I did it.  Indeed it looks to be about double but then I think I've had this Piano for about 10 years now so that could be about right :-)  It is a fair distance to move it.


I'm going to turn in to bed early again tonight as I really need some sleep and to just chill out.  For some reason I'm a little on edge tonight and I can't for the life of me work out why that should be.

Butter Beans and Exciting News

I soaked the Butter Beans overnight and cooked those up this morning - all now put away in the Freezer ready for my meals.  Not sure if I'll do the Haricots tomorrow or later on in the week.  Have been having some twitchy moments about having the scan on Friday but not enough to get too worried about it.  It can't be anywhere near as bad as the IVU thing I had which truly was the lowest moment of my diagnosis but, to be fair, I wasn't very well when I had it done and so that had a lot to do with it.


So exciting news.  What could be so exciting?  Well, you may recall I used to have two pianos but had to give one up as Mrs. F. didn't want two in the house - I can't blame her really.  I kept the family heirloom, a piano Made by my Great Great Uncle's company it therefore has A Ferdinando on the key board cover and inside on the frame.  However, this is no musical instrument and was in a bad state when I got it.  We have done our best but it will never truly function as a musical instrument and would never have made concert pitch ever.  


This next bit is sad and exciting.  My 2nd cousins who are descended from Great Great Uncle Arthur were the first to show me a Ferdinando piano, one passed down through the family and it is in great condition and still playable.  The sad news is that their mother recently died and the house has to be cleared and none of the boys has room for it.  I've spoken to Mrs. F. and as long as I swap it for the piano I have now, we can bring it here and continue to look after it as a lasting heirloom of the family.  So it is sad that it is no longer going to stay in their family but I'm excited to be the custodian of it for a little while.  I can write up that Piano's history and ensure that its providence is documented and it can hopefully continue on as a piece of history, a nice piece of furniture and as an instrument as this one actually plays.....

So, I am excited about this as it allows me to have a fully functioning Ferdinando piano in the house and use the other one as spares or to pass on to someone else in the family.  I will be able to look after this one on behalf of the family and for future generations.

Overdone food

Oh dear - I completely over cooked the Turkey and A's was like crispy bacon :-(  Ooopsss.  Oh well, there you go - I've been told NOT to grill it next time.  I should have done it in the oven in some foil....


That's the trouble.  I'm cooking for 3 of us and I'm having something different to them - doing it myself I'm fine but having to cook other stuff at the same time is a nightmare.  Normally I'm OK doing this but I wasn't prepared and my mate was delayed getting here.


I managed to stuff down plenty of beans with my meal so am back on the straight and narrow now.  Have put some butter beans in soak for tomorrow so I'll prepare those and freeze them.  

And Another Thing

Which I just realised was that I forgot to add some legumes to my lunch which is a minor disaster now - half way through the afternoon... I feel slightly hungry now and I don't normally and it was one of those "moment" that you get when you try and work out quite what you've done wrong and then I saw the container with the black eye beans and realised!  Doh...   Oh well I will have to have them all at tea time.  I am cooking a rather nice looking bit of Turkey which will go down well and just need to make sure I get that all prepared as I'm cooking for three tonight and of course, my meal is subtly different to theirs.


I'm sitting here reviewing what I want to do should we be unable to raise funds for our venture.  It's looking more and more likely that that will happen and so I'm working on a mind map of my options, my dreams, my needs and so on.  It has been interesting so far because there are some interesting things coming out of it including the wish not to want to commute - believe me commuting in and out of London each day really is the pits and I'm blowed if I'm going to do that without a significantly good excuse.    Also interesting that I'm not particularly bothered about going back into any of the high powered jobs I used to hold.  There's a reluctance to get back into the high stress lifestyle I used to have.  Interesting exercise developing the ideas, reviewing the dream things (or are they) and reviewing the options.  It is nice to look at living and working on a Canal Boat or things that I could do associated with that - except that the nearest canals are the other side of London to here or indeed further afield.  Interesting life but not certain that it will be as idyllic as it looks or is made out to be.


Like many things in life, the stuff that looks to be fun and rewarding probably aren't :-)  It is good though to go through this process and list all these things out and start to get some ideas formulated I find. 

Notes to Self

Do not weigh yourself for a few days after a cheat day!  It only depresses you.  It shows a gain of around 3 pounds (give or take) and that was a shock but I did hit those carbs.  SO this week, back on plan as far as I can possibly go.  I have a meal out on Wednesday, I will just have to take it easy - not have the bread roll and just pick at what I can have.  I think that I'll make sure I've filled up as much as I can during the day as there probably wont be any carbs I can have.  I can always have some when I get home if I find myself in trouble.  I can substitute water for beer and can have some red wine.


I managed to tweak my back once again over the weekend (probably Friday night when doing my exercises).   I have to learn not to get carried away and over do the exercises.  I feel good and go for an extra 5 minute burn workout and I'm sure that is when I managed to do this.


So a few notes to self are needed on the exercise, measurements and just to be patient and to moderate things.

Well that was strange

A day of eating things that I wouldn't normally eat anyway.  I really filled up with sugary and carb filled things yesterday and butter and chips and a doughnut, chocolate mousse, a pack of Wine Gums and lots of things that didn't actually make me feel that great in all honesty.   I did enjoy some beers though and that was a pleasant diversion.  At one time, after having toasted sandwiches with Cheese and Tuna and then grabbing the Doughnut afterwards I did feel a little sick :-)


Things are back to normal at the moment this morning and I'm feeling glad to be back on familiar territory and whilst this diet is a little bland it does at least show some great results already and for that reason alone I'm sticking with it and I just hope that over the fullness of time it gets me back to a good weight.  It would be nice to be a stone or more lighter than I am now - 2 stone lighter would be good too.  However, that's speculation at the moment.  Continued dieting and taking the cheat day once a week will show results in the tape and scales.


I'm around about 16 1/2 stone and perhaps a little lower than that but these things aren't (and don't need to be) pin point accurate.  If it is a pound either way I'm sure it doesn't matter it is the overall effect I'm after.  I'm not going to worry about the odd pound but the odd stone - now there's a different thing.  


This week ahead is interesting, my business partner is off until Wednesday evening so I am also off in reality.  We are just waiting for either an email or a phone call and so I'm trying to consider what is my best use of this time.  I have accounts that I can do, I have some chores that I can attend to and I suppose I need to consider what I should do if we don't get funding, which is, I am afraid looking more likely.  Of course we wont give up entirely but neither will we chase things that may not realistically be likely to happen either - no matter how good an idea it is.  I just need to think things through and to set out what I actually want and what I actually need for my future.  Maybe some more thoughts on that as I think them through.

Don't Cheat on Cheat Day

So I'm not - have already had sugary and sweet things, have bought a bag of Liquorice and a bag of Wine Gums and I am busily devouring them after having had a high protein breakfast.   I feel like I'm force feeding myself and the sugar rush is pretty strange.  I decided I'd get right into it with coffee and sweetener and milk, toast, butter and marmalade and now some sweets.  Mrs. F. is going out later and so doughnuts and pastries are on the menu.  I've some fruit nicely frozen to make some sorbets with later and at the same time I am trying to distract myself so as not to see the results of the F1 qualifying from Singapore - I have to wait until 1 pm for that.


I think they may have to peel be down from the walls after all these sweets.  Actually it all tastes very strange indeed as I've had none of this all week and so going from relatively bland food (it isn't all that bad really) to this is an amazing shock to the system.


Oh well, it might be a terrible thing to have to eat all this high carbs, sickly sweet stuff all day but someone's got to do it!  :-)  Might as well be me.  

Bit of a rest coming up

Yes, my business partner is off for a short while playing golf and we met up for a coffee this morning.  Not a lot happening unfortunately - we just need to sit back and see what our emails bring us.  It is always a bit of an anti-climax and things happen in waves.  There's nothing for me to do but sit back and wait :-)


So I need to sort out what to do for 3 or 4 days and next week is actually pretty busy.  I'm out three nights next week and I have my CT Scan which is uncharted territory for me on Friday - in fact this time next week it should (in theory) be all over!  I have no idea when I'll get the results of that - I suppose not until July unless they find something......  which if they do I'll be called up I guess.


So - I've a few odds and ends to work on but perhaps I'll take some time off away from the PC and just relax a bit?  

They grow up so quickly

So A asks me to choose which outfit she should wear and appears in a power dress grey skirt and jacket suit followed by a black trouser and jacket combo.  I'm amazed at the transformation.  Art students, by their nature, aren't suit people :-)  She looked totally different and "all grown up".  So I asked what is the occasion?  She has an interview at one of the top galleries in the UK.  So she has gone out and "invested" in these two suits - her own money - and is preparing herself for her interview next week.


I'm always impressed by her planning and attention to detail and we spent some time crafting her cover letter.  It isn't even a permanent job and covers the summer but, she suggests that if she can get the job, do well etc. she will have it on her CV as a minimum and will be asking for any future opportunities to work there.  I'm most impressed.


Also this morning was also most impressed to take in another notch on my waist line belt :-)  That's impressive, that's two notches in two weeks.  Long may that continue.  

I'm quite impressed with this diet

I'm feeling good and I'm losing pounds and can see it and my belt is now fully in one notch (not pulling) so there's at least an inch of not more of my waistline, my face and neck look thinner and my stomach is shrinking nicely.  I have to say that I'm impressed with the results of this almost counter intuitive diet.   If anything I don't tend to eat enough in the evening but tonight I think I put that right by upping the number of legumes I normally have and that really seems to have removed the hunger pangs I was getting around about this time of night.  


Amazingly I ate early around 6 pm but that's OK I think.  I just maxed out with 15 oz of Red Kidney Beans and about 4 oz of Chick Peas to go with my chicken breast, Spinach and Tomatoes.  I am looking forward to cheating on Saturday and this time I will go a bit crazy I think as I just fancy celebrating lasting this week and keeping away from booze and banished foods.  Tomorrow I will once again raid the Freezer and set free some of my Stilton Cheese and perhaps on Saturday I'll make some of my banana ice cream with my juicer/blender.  That has only had two uses this week which I'm disappointed with.  I ran out of carrots earlier in the week and really I should have got off my arse and gone and got some more.  Tomorrow looks to be a very nice day so perhaps I will go for a walk down to my local supermarket and have a bit of a spend up and also get myself some treats for Saturday.


I really ought to go see my doctor as well I suppose - I keep putting it off.  I'll walk right past the place so maybe I could take my diary and call in for an appointment?  


Work was slow today and I suppose if I did an hour over the whole day I did a lot.  I hope that I'll be a little busier tomorrow but I doubt it!  Perhaps a call with my business partner and that will do.


Anyway, happy with the diet, getting the hang of eating enough and roll on Saturday!

Considering what to do next

I'd probably say that the workload is diminishing by the day now.  We are waiting on people getting back to us and there's not a lot we can do (apart from print the money maybe!) and so days have suddenly become long and every email arriving is pounced on as if something wonderful is going to happen.  It isn't of course and the way things are going it is unlikely that the next 4 to 6 weeks will throw up anything new or exciting.  So it gives me time to consider what I want to do next and that's proving a problem really.  When you've been involved in something that has the potential to change so many people's lives and it remains unfulfilled anything else is a bit of a let down really.  An anti climax and in a way I suppose it cannot be anything else.  It was never going to fade away because we planned for a test point to be reached and we are coming up close to that and if things don't happen then the test point is proven and we take the next course of action in our plan.


What is "funny" is that there's some obvious disappointment in this but no real anger or resentment (apart from understanding some of the more inside working of the finance industry).  There's not a feeling that we've been hard done by as in reality, if we have done this properly then those people who should be interested would have been but they are not.  The economic, political and world climate just isn't here at the moment.  We've either peaked too soon or not soon enough and perhaps we might be listened to later on?


There's a bit of a hole opening up as it is something I've done now for close to 2 years - I hadn't planned 2 years but there you go.  You can't think about what to do next if you are working on what  was in front of you so it can only happen now at this time.  It's difficult to know where to start except that the holiday cleared my head and whilst I have some negative thoughts I'm in a better place than I was before going away - I did feel that we weren't doing enough but perception is very often much different to reality.


So, tomorrow I'll take a walk up to Costa for breakfast and meet with Flocky Bicep and we can have a chat about Lodge and so on and then also about life in general...  I'm looking forward to that a lot.  I hope he is :-)  He will have me bending his ear for half a morning!!!!  

A Bit of Respect Please

This goes out to the spammers and mindless morons (which by default means they will be unable to read and comprehend this) who post blatant adverts and links on my blog in the hope that it will increase their SEO and promote their web sites.  If you are going to do it here are a few rules:

1. Don't do it on a blog where I discuss my father's terminal illness 
2. Don't do it on a blog that discusses useful stuff for sufferers
3. By all means comment on my flippant stuff and my trivia (it probably deserves that sort of attention)
4. Any comment with a URL that I don't like will be deleted
5. I review all comments - I report those that are inappropriate - I also put a small incantation learnt from a martial arts specialist in Nepal that will mean that in a month or two you'll be walking along the street and your arm or leg will drop off - you have been warned 

So to remain safe - don't comment unless you have something meaningful to say, some question you would liked answered or something else useful to bring to the party.  

But don't be disrespectful to my father or my family, you really really really don't want me to change from being the nice guy that I am, remember that the nice quiet ones are the ones to be worried about.  As Wednesday Addams so eloquently puts it "Be afraid, be very afraid"  :-)

Update on the CT Scan

Due on 30th March at lunchtime so that was a bit quicker than I was lead to believe it would be.  I've read the basic stuff it looks as if I'll be there for a few hours so MP3 and Kindle reader are up for an outing.  I guess it will require gown and all that stuff so best take my sandals and sort that out.  


I can't say I'm particularly looking forward to it but will just make the best of it.  I can call the Doctors up afterwards and do my BP the week after as I wouldn't want to measure what my BP will be like leading up to it.  Like all these things it will all be over and done with pretty quickly and so I'll just grin and bear it and can then move on.  Of course there's always the worry that they'll find something :-(  Anyway - I suppose that should be a reason to be thankful that they'll find something if I do have anything.


Anyway, at least it is only 10 days away so that's something.  After sorting it out I went shopping but only got enough to stick in the bag I was carrying I could have got completely carried away with all the food that was there and the seafood was really tempting there was some nice Mackerel there but I resisted and only got some bits and pieces that I wanted to try out.  Some Cod Roe, some Butter Beans and Haricots plus some Mushrooms, Fish Sticks and some Chinese Leaf - they also had Pak Choi but I thought I'd never get that home.  I managed to find some Egg Whites in a carton too and got another 18 eggs.  I get through 3 eggs a day at the moment and so thought I ought to use the Egg White and just one or two eggs with it.   Not sure yet will try and resolve that.  I took one look at the Turkey Bacon and decided against that :-)  It was about £2.40 for 6 rashers :-(  So I'll be making do with the nice stuff we froze at Christmas time which is very good quality.  I was being suspicious of Bacon but I am now having it occasionally as it is allowed in the diet.


On the day of the CT Scan that is going to get hit as there is no eating for 4 hours and I'm going to be there at lunchtime.  They will want to fill me up with water - well I'll already be full with the amounts I drink so I'd better moderate it that day.  Hmmmm, at least I'll be ready to eat heartily when I've finished - I'll be able to have lunch and tea all at the same time! 

CT Scan

"Hello, I've been told to call you to book a CT scan."  "Ermm, do you have a form?"  "Why yes I do." "Well, we are meant to have the form" "I see"


So I have decided that the very best thing I can do is actually go to the Radiology department tomorrow and take my diary and book this up.  I can also chat to someone (and maybe see the Scanner). "They" (whoever they may be) say that if you are claustrophobic that it can be difficult, well maybe they'll let me have a peek and see it - I'm sure it should be OK, I've been inside a large X-Ray thing before so perhaps it is like that?  Anyhow, at least they sounded OK about me turning up to make the appointment and also that I'm over 42 (I think) which means that I'm OK to have the scan without some sort of assessment being made.


Maybe whilst I am out I can pop into the shops and get some food for my diet.  I'm being a bit demanding on what I'm able to eat so I can perhaps do a bit of shopping myself and so make the main shop a bit less arduous.  The Supermarket is right next door to the Hospital so it shouldn't be a problem and a bit of exercise will go down well after breakfast.

Very Quick

Traumatic but very quickly my friend died and it was a sad evening.  I feel sorry for my friend who I go to the Jazz night with as this is both of his friends in a very short space of time :-(  Parkinson's and now this Pancreatic and complications (Gall and Liver problems).  It has been pretty quick I guess 2 weeks start to finish and I only saw him myself about 6 or 8 weeks ago I suppose.  I only meet him 8 or 10 times a year but have done that regularly over 10 or more years I suppose.  


So a sad day really but here's something interesting at the same time another friend of mine was posting that he had a 220 mile round trip to come to Bromley tonight.  As things happened one of the Brethren stopped breathing and this chap stepped in and got his heart beating again sufficiently to get help there and that's just amazing so now he knows why he made the round trip - he did that to save a life.  Fantastic job.

Dad

Well dad is stable I guess you'd call it.  He surprises me my being still very cheerful although he has his days - don't we all.  He is still hanging on in there but quite weak and needs to take his time and get his breath and that's the thing - his mind isn't going but his body is and he knows it.  I just heard that a friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer whilst I was away he is in hospital and not so good.  In and out of conciousness and not likely to last too long.  It is a shame as he and I were only talking about Dad in January (or was it February) and he was complaining about a few minor ailments and bang, that's arrived and within weeks he is seriously ill.


In some ways I'm surprised my dad has made it this far, he wasn't expected to at all although his prognosis of 6 months to 4 years gives plenty of room for the health specialists.  I'm planning to go up soon to see the folks, I ring everyday really just to make sure mum has somewhere to off load what she is going through.  My brother isn't "good" at that sort of listening regime.  I'm a lot better at hearing the words that he doesn't want to hear.  I think that there's a lot to be said for looking after the carer a little more, they have to be there all the time and live with the consequences.  


Anyway, he's as well as can be and still doing well despite what is actually happening to him.

New Week New Outlook

I've been in a funny old place since being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer way way back in July 2006.  It really has completely thrown my life into a different place and all that period up until diagnosis of sacrifice at the altar of capitalism changed in a very swift way.  The funniest thing was that I thought, back then, I had direction something that I'm not absolutely certain I had then or have now.  Since diagnosis I've been struggling coming to terms with what it all means, how I've been affected, what I want to do and so on.  It's a long old "mid life crisis" and for much of that time I've been trying to weigh it all up.  I'm not saying that I've succeeded or that I'm anywhere nearer answering the questions I'm posing myself but that I'm now in a comfortable place with myself.


This morning, for once in a long time, I've sat down at my PC without the anxious drive to do something and by that I mean that I generally sit here and feel guilty if I'm not doing something constructive and yet, today, there is nothing to do - all my actions are done, my work here is finished and I'm waiting for someone to get back to me, a call to arrive and nothing else.  The day is my own until something else happens.  Close to 2 years work is now over and things will be what they will be, there is a plan and things will happen today and down the week but there is nothing I can physically do to make it happen it is out of my control.  


What to do with the time now available?  Well some tidying up and getting my desk cleaned up.  Throw away all the old rubbish and recycle all the paper around here :-) I've some things to do in terms of sorting out accounts and also I have to update my diary with all my commitments in it.  Arrange to go see my folks and generally start to consider what to do next in terms of a job, career or vocation.  


Of course, that could be considered defeatist and I suppose in a way if you look at it without my knowledge of the situation it could be.  In fact it is proper risk management in action as I can see the possibility of a train wreck in the distance and I'm mitigating it.  It would be amusing to get to the end of the journey and find that we can proceed no further and not have a Plan B :-)


It is a beautiful sunny spring day outside and I'm feeling good and positive, I'm losing weight, I feel well and the holiday was the right thing to do to get my head back in the right place and to calm me down and level off the anxiety I was beginning to feel. 


I have to also get in touch with my GP and get my BP reading done - maybe next week will be good for that with this amount of weight lost and also the pressures gone.  Also need to call to arrange my CT Scan.  Anyway, things have slowed right down now and hopefully that will allow me the time to reflect and consider my situation fully.  I certainly hope so.